Architect Arc Club

Arc Played: Cracking Skulls #115935 by @Flame Kitten
Character: Valerie 2.0, L28 Bots / Time Mastermind

(Note: I tend not to go into a lot of detail or typo reports on my reviews; I look at the story as a whole, the flow of it, the writing style.)

This is a good, solid police story. It's not some over the top save the world arc, and doesn't need to be -- it's a lowbie themed street crime story and hits all the right beats for one. Taking down punks, confiscating goods, arresting pushers and buyers alike... but with an added element, the Necrodyne, to make it feel more important than a basic newspaper mission. Good to see something straightforward and well crafted.

Using a canon detective who explains how Supradyne works was also a nice touch -- that'll make this a terrific intro arc for new players, who may not understand the lore behind the drug, or what makes it unique to this universe. I've always wanted to see more about the effects of Dyne, since all we hear is "it gives you superpowers" and apparently sometimes turns you into a Troll. Seeing some enraged users hurling giant rocks was a nice touch. But most importantly, by saying "This is what it is" you can set up a counterpoint to "This is what's ACTUALLY going on" later on in the arc. It's not taken as an assumption that the character or player knows Dyne inside and out, and that's a good call to make.

Also a great touch -- the custom Skulls in the second mission. I sent my bots in, figuring blah blah blah skulls no big deal hey wait a second they're using Dark Blast?! and I like being surprised like that. The costumes were such a good match that I didn't notice until they started attacking! Nice.

Finally... NICE ambush at the end. Really adds some atmospheric flavor to the story.

Great work. This did exactly what it set out to do, no more, no less, and I applaud the tight storytelling.

I don't want to clutter up Arc Club with responses every time my arc gets played, but I do want to express my sincere gratitude for one of my arcs that almost never gets played any more actually getting plays. So what I'm going to try is just edit this post to both express thanks for further plays and any comments/feedback that comes my way (although, as I mentioned before, my main interest is just getting plays; feedback is a bonus and something that doesn't get implemented very often since the account these are posted under is rarely used.) I'm sure I'll do a 'fresh post' every so often, but this will, hopefully, help keep the thread from getting cluttered.

Doctor Gemini - Thanks much! And no worries about having played it before. I appreciate *any* play, even one that doesn't up the total number of plays. That 'Mystic' issue has hounded me since I first published the arc - I can't change it since, apparently 'Mystic' is their 'rank' (like minion, or sniper). I've always (jokingly) told myself its a reference to the fact that they are 'new age' types looking for new, mind-expanding experiences, but not putting much thought into the wisdom of trying a drug like superadine. But the truth is I just can't change that.

Twoflower - And thanks to you too! Hearing that the dark blast flinging skulls caught you by surprise just made my day! That's exactly what I was hoping for when I designed them. Spent a lot of time flipping back and forth between Wiki pics of actual Skulls while putting together their costumes (and also to make sure their names perfectly followed the naming conventions used by the group - the custom bosses are really the only exception name wise, and they're a new addition made necessary by that XP bug that I posted about a few days ago). Nice to hear it worked!

SupaFreak - I can't tell you how gratifying it is to get kind words (and plays) about an arc that has languished for so long with no attention whatsoever. Thank you so much for playing and writing your impressions. As with the others, know that it is VERY much appreciated! Honestly, I think my favorite part has been the multiple mentions of the custom 'Skulls' actually catching people by surprise: I spend a LONG time trying to get them just right, and it's neat to know it was worth the effort.

Ok....*cracks knuckles*

I played "Art is Crime and Crime is Art." Character used was a level 39 nicely IOd Kat/Invul Scrapper set to +1/x3/yes bosses/no AVs.

Overall: It was a fun, fairly quick arc. Nothing earth-shattering, just another twist on the "stop the latest supervillain's super evil plot," and it was very cartoonish supervillainy at that, but that's not a bad thing. It has its place in the genre, and the story was well-executed. There was nothing that really jumped out and grabbed me though. It played like one of the better episodes of a Saturday morning cartoon. The customs were well-designed, and the reappropriated stock mobs were well used, the flavor details were a nice touch but it could have used a few more of them, especially during the lead-out in mission 1. I'd rate the arc overall a high 4.

Nit-picking now:

Mission 1 had an uneventful lead-out. Maybe add a few spawns chaining off Lady-in-Scarlet's rescue.

Abstract Art description: "similar" should be "similarity."

Mission 2 accept text: "facist" should be "fascist."

I'm not entirely sure why animated statues would have electric powers.

Jefferson's description implies that he uses a shovel but he does not.

Sven Dali's bio mentions collaborating with the DE but that doesn't come up anywhere else. I read the reappropriated rock dudes as not being DE, it wouldn't really make sense if they were.

Just a minor note: I'm currently doing some major editing on "To Dream of Nothing" that'll both make the story flow a little better and remove a lot of unnecessary backtracking (based on PW's, GlaziusF's and earlier reviews). I'm also shifting the arc's level range to 20-29 in the process.

Update: All done. All that remains is some prettifying (which I'll probably delay until I get some feedback on the new version of the arc) and maybe some minor errors. Go crazy!


-- Z.

Welcome to MAGI (arc 271637)

I played a 10 fire/time corr.

Arc description: "Is their a traitor in MAGI?" -> "Is there a traitor in MAGI?"

Mission 1

Seems strange that Azuria couldn't detect the portal when it was being used to steal her vault, but she can detect a hypothetical item that created a portal after the fact -- yet she cannot find the vault itself. Could use some explanation and/or more handwaving.

Liked Burning Mad and the patrols with dialog. "Timothy Wexler" seems like a rather mundane name for a wizard; maybe he could use a "stage name"? If he stole the whole MAGI vault shouldn't he have weird artifacts that he uses against the player?

The clue "A Traitor in MAGI?" says that you overheard Wexler say he worked for MAGI, but actually his dialog mentions nothing of the sort. Would be stronger if he said something along those lines so that you actually do overhear him mention he worked for MAGI. His dialog as he gets wounded is surprisingly wimpy; perhaps this is intentional.

You may want to make it a little clearer in Wexler's dialog and/or clue that he is teleported away before being captured; this is mentioned in the system text but it's very easy to miss there.


Mission 2

The scepter is described as creating portals; how does this allow the seers to locate the vault? You could perhaps mention that the scepter has scrying abilities, but then why couldn't you also use the scepter to scry on Timothy? Furthermore, why didn't Timothy use the scepter to escape, instead of crushing the gem in his ring? Surely opening a portal with the scepter (which was already in his hand!) would be much easier.

If a seer located the vault and retrieved it, wouldn't the location the vault was stashed reveal something about Timothy? Like, was it under his bed? In his secret underground lair? Or what?

Azuria charges me to "Find Timothy and bring him", but since he just teleported away the last time we tried to arrest him, what's to stop him from doing that again? Maybe Azuria should give you something to prevent that.

Furthermore, the briefing says "I sense a danger I do not recognize within", then the very next line is "There is a powerful mystic aura...we think it is from one of the artifacts". These sentences seem inconsistent with each other; either she should recognize it as an artifact, or she shouldn't know what it is. Also, if Azuria is knowingly sending you into a mystic aura, as a mystic herself, shouldn't she do something magical to try and protect you from it?

Send-off message: how can she sense Timothy faces grave danger when she couldn't sense Timothy was about to rob her blind?

Inside the mission, my only objective is "Destroy summoning stone", but I have no idea why I should do that. According to the briefing, I'm supposed to be looking for Timothy to bring him in, but there is no mention of this in the objectives.

One of the Hellions says:

[NPC] Blood Brother Brawler: I KNEW working for Wexler was gonna suck.! Didn't I say we should get out, Bob?! I told ya!

There's an extra '.' after "suck".

Also I don't understand this dialog:

[NPC] Blood Brother Brawler: Argghhhhh! Earn, my ear is in his mouth!

I think maybe "Earn" is a name here, but it's an unusual sounding word for a name, so I'm not sure.

I do like the number of patrols and battles, makes the mission seem more lively.

I found the summoning stone and it repeatedly says nonsense like:

[NPC] Summoning Stone: squeesffssfssffsqueesfsfsfff

...not sure what this is supposed to mean. Just a noise?

Destroying the stone ends the mission. I think the stone was one of the artifacts held by MAGI; shouldn't I have tried to recover it, not destroy it?

Wexler isn't here, but there are some clues showing he was here.

The clue "Could Azuria Be Wrong?" describes what Tim writes in his diary; it would be a stronger clue if you wrote them in the form of diary entries, so the player feels like she is reading from his diary.

Also, the purpose of this mission (from a story standpoint) seems purely to put the diary in the player's hands, but it seems weird that the diary is found in a random cave, rather than in a "normal" place for a diary to be found, like someone's bedroom or office.


Mission 3

If the robe wearers were sacrificed (as Azuria suggests), shouldn't there be some physical evidence, like bloodstains or corpses? Azuria makes a pretty huge intuitive leap to "Timothy is mind controlled but somehow is telling us via clues"; I'm afraid I don't follow why she would think this. Why would mind-controlled Timothy suddenly write diary entries when it's established he has not written in his diary for 5 years? The CoT have no reason to make him write in his diary.

I think maybe your diary clue is meant to portray that Timothy is becoming megalomaniacal due to some evil influence. But if this is the case, why would he also leave clues that are asking for help?

Anyway, Azuria apparently recognizes the robes belong to a CoT mage named Canis, and consequently sends me against a Hellion named Fyrepyre (who apparently knows where Canis is). This seems unnecessarily complex. Also, Canis seems to have suddenly become the big bad guy, but was never mentioned until now, so I'm having a hard time understanding why it's important to find him. I think the story is trying to say that Canis is a CoT mage who is mind controlling Timothy, but IMHO the clues for this so far don't really seem strong enough to support this conclusion. I think the story would be stronger if the evidence really showed the player that this must be what's happening; as it is presently written, it feels like Azuria is just telling me what she thinks is happening, without an obvious basis for why.

I pass by a Hellion who says:

[NPC] Blood Brother Slammer: Indeed. Although I shall be most grateful when our leader stops dealing with those dreadful mages!

This guy just doesn't sound like the other Hellions, being too well-spoken; not sure if this was intentional.

I found and beat up Fyrepyre. His fight dialog is less-than-intimidating, but from the way it's written, this must be intentional. He reveals that Canis hired Fyrepyre to kill Timothy. This seems very confusing, but is apparently meant to be.

Debriefing: "whatever the Hellion's thought" should be "whatever the Hellions thought". Azuria first says we need to go after Kanis, but then suddenly says, wait, no, do this mission instead. Huh?


Mission 4

So suddenly Azuria wants me to go investigate some reports of Hydra, who might have killed a mystic named Alicia. This has no apparent connection with anything else in the story. What about Timothy Wexler? Azuria suddenly giving me this mission instead just doesn't make any sense.

In the mission objectives, "4 Remains remain to find" sounds very awkward due to the repetition, I suggest you just make it "4 Remains to find". You might consider changing "Find Alicia Torrens or her remains" to just "Find Alicia Torrens" (since finding her remains would also count as finding Alicia).

The Skulls in this mission have some exposition explaining that they were tricked into coming here and fighting the Hydra. (To what end? Not sure.) Found and fought Brightbone, he seemed fun.

It turns out this mission does have a connection to Timothy Wexler, providing some additional clues; but considering Azuria basically sent me on this (apparently) unrelated mission, this seems to be too much of a coincidence to be believable.


Mission 5

So in the final mission Azuria sends me to beat up Kanis and save Timothy. But based on the set up so far, I'm not really sure Timothy isn't a bad guy, too. (Azuria realizes this possibility in the send-off message, fortunately.) It seems strangely convenient that she still hasn't decoded the last entry in the diary. Also, this contradicts the clue "Could Azuria be Wrong?" which explicitly says that I can read the last entry (3 days ago).

In the mission one of the CoT says:

[NPC] Guardian: Those Hellions might have suceeded, but, Kanis always seems to know what's going to happen.

"suceeded" should be "succeeded"

I found and defeated Kanis, which triggers "Defeat Timothy Wexler" as an objective. But the mission itself is called "Defeat Kanis", which I've already done; you may want to call the mission something more general (like "Stop the Ritual" or something) that will still make sense even after beating Kanis.

When I find Timothy, his opening line ("You've ruined everything...") is a huge wall of text, 8 lines long on my screen. There is no way I can read this during combat, you may want to make it shorter or break it up some. Oddly, defeating Timothy doesn't complete the mission; I have to kill the Hellion that is with him, too. You might consider making him "only boss required".

Why doesn't Timothy just teleport away again at the end of this fight, like he did the first time I beat him? (I guess he ran out of tricks?)

Timothy's dialog reveals that he did it all due to a huge crush on Azuria. This really comes out of left field; in my opinion, you need to have more foreshadowing of this reveal, so that the player can go, "Ahh! I remember this was hinted at in the clue from mission 2" or something. Also, if he really has a crush on Azuria, why would he start the arc by robbing the MAGI vault, which would make Azuria look [more] incompetent? Your "A Mad Mage" clue explains that his actions were crazy and inexplicable; but I think your story would be stronger if you determine Timothy's motivations (in this case, the crush on Azuria), then have his actions follow from that (try to do stuff to impress Azuria), rather than simply saying that he was crazy.

In the final debriefing with Azuria, she says Tim never showed romantic feelings towards her, and maybe he was mind controlled into it (again with the mind control!). This seems a strange way to end the story, and it's left open-ended as Azuria invites you to check back with her from time to time in case there's more. But actually it's the end of the arc, so there's no real sense of closure.


Overall

I like the amount of detail in the story arc, which is rich with clues, dialog from minor characters, and optional objectives. I thought the plot could be better; right now it's just "crazy wizard does crazy things, no one knows why!" but I think it could be a lot better if Timothy was given a clearer motivation, then his crimes and other actions were driven by that motivation.

Additionally I felt the briefing for mission 4 made it sound like an irrelevant tangent, which only tied into the story out of pure coincidence; I would really recommend reworking it so that mission 4 more seamlessly follows from mission 3.

I also think you could benefit by writing a more definite end to the story, where the mystery is solved and the story gets some closure; right now it feels like we're left hanging.

In its current form, I felt I could only give this arc 3 stars.

Thanks for the story. I hope some of this feedback helps!

Thanks for the play and the detailed feedback. Some of the issues you had were intentional, and some were due to having no text space left in clues and dialogue boxes. Further, it was originally conceived as the first arc in a 5 arc storyline (one for every 10 levels). Although the whole set is plotted, and the second arc has been begun and gutted and rewritten twice now, every time I start working on it things going on with AE kill my enthusiasm.

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Originally Posted by PoliceWoman Seems strange that Azuria couldn't detect the portal when it was being used to steal her vault, but she can detect a hypothetical item that created a portal after the fact -- yet she cannot find the vault itself. Could use some explanation and/or more handwaving.

The vault being stolen happened without warning. Seers don't always know the future after all. Once stolen, they M.A.G.I. seers were actively looking for the vault and an explanation as to how it was taken. I know why they found the item but not the vault, but, no text space. 30 years of running an FRPG have left me with some strong views of how divination magic works, but it tends to make me forget that what is obvious to me and people who have played in my campaign is not obvious to others. Great point, though, so I'll try to figure out how to make that clearer without the long-winded explanation of how I see seers working.

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"Timothy Wexler" seems like a rather mundane name for a wizard... If he stole the whole MAGI vault shouldn't he have weird artifacts that he uses against the player?

The name is intentionally mundane. Azuria explains, I think in the mission return text (if not, then in the mission dialogue for mission 2), why he doesn't have many artifacts. It's not a detailed explanation, but then it would make little sense for her to explain in detail.

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The clue "A Traitor in MAGI?" says that you overheard Wexler say he worked for MAGI, but actually his dialog mentions nothing of the sort. Would be stronger if he said something along those lines so that you actually do overhear him mention he worked for MAGI. His dialog as he gets wounded is surprisingly wimpy; perhaps this is intentional.

Intentionally wimpy. He is supposed to give the idea that he has not seen any real combat, leaving open the question as to how he killed the Hellion boss that the patrols and Burning Mad mention.

I considered the clue as giving you more conversation you heard from Wexler than just his dialogue balloons, however, unless I'm going to add more than just that to it, you're right, I should change his unaware dialogue.

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You may want to make it a little clearer in Wexler's dialog and/or clue that he is teleported away before being captured; this is mentioned in the system text but it's very easy to miss there.

I agree, but again hit the text limit. I'll see if I have used the end mission clue and include it there if need be.

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The scepter is described as creating portals; how does this allow the seers to locate the vault? You could perhaps mention that the scepter has scrying abilities, but then why couldn't you also use the scepter to scry on Timothy?

Has to do with concepts of magic that would be too long, and irrelevant to the overall story, to put into the dialogue. The scepter does not scry, but since its power was used on the vault there is a connection that seers might be able to read, which they did. They could not find Timothy because it was never used on him. Sounds like I need to put in a "don't ask how, the explanation would take too long" type of handwaving into her dialogue.

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Furthermore, why didn't Timothy use the scepter to escape, instead of crushing the gem in his ring? Surely opening a portal with the scepter (which was already in his hand!) would be much easier.

Only if he could instantly use the scepter. I probably can figure out a way for Azuria to explain that.

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If a seer located the vault and retrieved it, wouldn't the location the vault was stashed reveal something about Timothy? Like, was it under his bed? In his secret underground lair? Or what?

The idea of how that all worked in my head did not give them the actual location, just where to focus the rod to retrieve it. This gives me an idea so maybe I will change mission 4.

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Azuria charges me to "Find Timothy and bring him", but since he just teleported away the last time we tried to arrest him, what's to stop him from doing that again? Maybe Azuria should give you something to prevent that.

If she explains how the gem worked then that problem solves itself.

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Furthermore, the briefing says "I sense a danger I do not recognize within", then the very next line is "There is a powerful mystic aura...we think it is from one of the artifacts".

To me it was clear the danger she senses was the physical danger (i.e. the coralax, which I chose to assume she had not run into before even though there are a few in the Hollows), not the artifact. I'll try to make that clearer.

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Send-off message: how can she sense Timothy faces grave danger when she couldn't sense Timothy was about to rob her blind?

If she could predict every future event then she wouldn't be giving new heroes missions, she's be advising the President

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[NPC] Blood Brother Brawler: Argghhhhh! Earn, my ear is in his mouth! I think maybe "Earn" is a name here, but it's an unusual sounding word for a name, so I'm not sure.

Earn is a name, you should have seen them talking in the first 3 (maybe even 4) missions.

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I found the summoning stone and it repeatedly says nonsense like: [NPC] Summoning Stone: squeesffssfssffsqueesfsfsfff ...not sure what this is supposed to mean. Just a noise?

Yes.

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Destroying the stone ends the mission. I think the stone was one of the artifacts held by MAGI; shouldn't I have tried to recover it, not destroy it?

I know why it needs to be destroyed, but the character has no way to know it, ergo, he wouldn't destroy it. That one was an unintentional plot hole.

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The clue "Could Azuria Be Wrong?" describes what Tim writes in his diary; it would be a stronger clue if you wrote them in the form of diary entries, so the player feels like she is reading from his diary.

I agree, but I doubt I could get across what I need to about the diary in the text space allowed doing it that way. I will look into it though.

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...it seems weird that the diary is found in a random cave, rather than in a "normal" place for a diary to be found, like someone's bedroom or office.

It is weird, and in fact, I believe Azuria even comments on how did he just happen to drop it there.

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If the robe wearers were sacrificed (as Azuria suggests), shouldn't there be some physical evidence, like bloodstains or corpses?

No, but I already know how I will fix the plothole you pointed out and that will give me the opportunity to more fully explore what was done with those circle mages.

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Azuria makes a pretty huge intuitive leap to "Timothy is mind controlled but somehow is telling us via clues"; I'm afraid I don't follow why she would think this. Why would mind-controlled Timothy suddenly write diary entries when it's established he has not written in his diary for 5 years? The CoT have no reason to make him write in his diary.

Which is exactly what you're supposed to think. Azuria is grasping at straws because she refuses to believe Timothy is not being used. I try not to write things that tell the character what they are thinking but I do point out either in the mission entrance pop-up or mission start clue that her explanation sounds dubious.

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...as it is presently written, it feels like Azuria is just telling me what she thinks is happening, without an obvious basis for why.

Which is exactly what it is. If only we had branching dialogue so the character could do more than go along with her. That's why I included clues that, without telling the player what the character is thinking, make it clear that Azuria's "logic" may not be anything of the kind. You're not just stupidly agreeing with her, but you also have nothing better to go on to solve this.

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I pass by a Hellion who says: [NPC] Blood Brother Slammer: Indeed. Although I shall be most grateful when our leader stops dealing with those dreadful mages! This guy just doesn't sound like the other Hellions, being too well-spoken; not sure if this was intentional.

Intentional. I always hear him with an English accent to boot. Just a tiny bit of comic relief.

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So suddenly Azuria wants me to go investigate some reports of Hydra, who might have killed a mystic named Alicia. This has no apparent connection with anything else in the story. What about Timothy Wexler? Azuria suddenly giving me this mission instead just doesn't make any sense.

Azuria (or the clues at the end of the last mission) tell you WHEN Kanis will be at that location, so you can't just go out and get him right now. Azuria states that she feels you need more seasoning before facing a Circle mage.

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In the mission objectives, "4 Remains remain to find" sounds very awkward due to the repetition...

Intentional. Although I am thinking it should say "4 Remains remain to be found".

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The Skulls in this mission have some exposition explaining that they were tricked into coming here and fighting the Hydra. (To what end? Not sure.)

They thought they were tricked.

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It turns out this mission does have a connection to Timothy Wexler... but considering Azuria basically sent me on this (apparently) unrelated mission, this seems to be too much of a coincidence to be believable.

The end mission popup suggests that maybe it wasn't a coincidence. She is a seer after all.

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It seems strangely convenient that she still hasn't decoded the last entry in the diary. Also, this contradicts the clue "Could Azuria be Wrong?" which explicitly says that I can read the last entry (3 days ago).

Its not in code. You can read the diary, however, Azuria states that the diary has another message magically imprinted on it. Not those exact words, so I'll check and see if the exact wording does not make that clear and fix it if necessary.

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Timothy's dialog reveals that he did it all due to a huge crush on Azuria. This really comes out of left field; in my opinion

and in Azuria's. The proper reaction to that revelation is supposed to be along the lines of "Wait....what?"

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Also, if he really has a crush on Azuria, why would he start the arc by robbing the MAGI vault, which would make Azuria look [more] incompetent?

While she might get the blame, it's actually Gregor Richardson who guards the vault.

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but I think your story would be stronger if you determine Timothy's motivations (in this case, the crush on Azuria), then have his actions follow from that (try to do stuff to impress Azuria), rather than simply saying that he was crazy.

His actions were designed to impress Azuria. That was why he took summoning devices from the vault, so he could save the day and look like a hero. That was explained in his final clue. What is not explained, intentionally, is his initial attempt to sell the vault.

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This seems a strange way to end the story, and it's left open-ended...

Which is intentional.

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Additionally I felt the briefing for mission 4 made it sound like an irrelevant tangent, which only tied into the story out of pure coincidence; I would really recommend reworking it so that mission 4 more seamlessly follows from mission 3.

Mission 4's real purpose was always to get a character who starts the arc at level 1 or 2 up to, or very close to, level 5 for the final mission. It has always been a weak link in the story. However, one of your comments on an earlier mission gave me a good idea to rework this and tie what I leave from it in better with the overall story.

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I also think you could benefit by writing a more definite end to the story, where the mystery is solved and the story gets some closure; right now it feels like we're left hanging.

That's not going to change. It intentionally leaves questions which later stories will answer. While I realize that this type of writing style does not work as well on AE arcs as in my usual form of story writing, it is how I do things. If that means lower ratings, then so be it

I very much appreciate the detailed feedback. You gave me quite a few things to tweak and to take a second look at.

Glad the feedback was helpful! Of course everyone has their own Vision for their arc, so please use any of the input you think will help you; feel free to ignore the rest.

Regarding the use of magic in the arc, my main concern was consistency. If Azuria can magically sense A, why can't she magically sense B. If Wexler can magically escape in mission 1, why can't he magically escape in mission 5. It sounds like you have a very detailed mental picture of why magic in your story works this way, but it's hard to see this from the player's POV. On the other hand, over-explaining precisely how the magic works can distract from the main story, so I wouldn't necessarily suggest having Azuria explain every single thing.

I would suggest editing some of the places that might seem inconsistent to be less so, and/or "showing" why magic works the way it does (rather than "telling"). Examples:

* in mission 1 you could have Wexler's defeat dialog be "I'm outta here! Escape spell, ACTIVATE!" but then in mission 5 his last line would be "Escape spell, ACTI-- *fizzle* dammit!! *gack*" You don't have to do exactly that, but something like that would show that he uses magic to escape in the first mission, but this magic fails him in the last mission, and this would be integrated more tightly into the narrative than using up clue/return dialog space to have Azuria explain exactly how the magic works.

* in mission 2, you could completely avoid my concern about Azuria's magical senses by simply rewriting the line to "Tim's a good kid, this isn't like him. I'm worried he might be in over his head", i.e., have her express a human concern for his well-being rather than having her "magically" sense he's in danger. This would also help illustrate why Azuria tries to rationalize Tim's behavior.


Regarding Azuria jumping to the conclusion in mission 3's briefing that Tim is mind-controlled, this makes much more sense now that you've explained that she's grasping at straws for some non-evil explanation for Tim's behavior. This didn't fully come across for me when I read the briefing; you might consider editing the briefing to more strongly hint at this. Perhaps the player would notice something in Azuria's body language or her voice being strained; or the Accept message could be used to express doubt (though be careful about "powerposing" the player too much).


Regarding the sudden reveal of Tim's feelings for Azuria: I think it makes perfect sense for Azuria to be totally surprised by this, but I still believe it would be good to give some foreshadowing to the player. The player has already found Tim's diary; that would be a natural place to insert a line like "Dear diary, Azuria said I did a great job filing the Mayan artifacts today. I think she may like me!"


Regarding making a more definite end to the story: this is just my opinion, but I prefer having each story arc be a "stand alone" story, with its own beginning, middle and end. To a story-focused player the ending is the "reward" for the story: the world is saved, the evildoers are punished, all the mysteries are solved, etc. It's already a lot to ask to get a player to try a 5-mission arc; it's fine to say this is "part 1 of 10" if you have a huge epic saga planned, but the player deserves some "payoff" at the end of your arc, even if it's only part 1. (Your mileage may vary.)


Anyway, I hope this helps you. Best of luck!

Okay, for my first Arc Club arc for October, I played 'Whack A Mole! Lambda Sector Edition!" (Arc #508837). Why? 'Cause I've actually enjoyed the Incarnate Trials (in spite of some of their shortcomings) quite a bit, and was really looking forward to seeing how the author was going to 'spoof' them.

I wasn't disappointed. Like the original Whack a Mole arc, this one was short, fast-paced, and humorous, with plenty of jabs and in-jokes at the expense of the Lambda trial. Unless otherwise noted (for example, PW mentioning she preferred her Talos Towers arc to get 'honest' ratings), I'm playing by the 5-stars or leave unrated rule; gave this one 5 stars in game (felt '4-star' for real for me, so I just went ahead and gave it 5).

Suggestions:

How about during the 'sabotage' phase, finding a 'Mole-lecular Acid' that in one of the crates that was accidentally stored in the warehouse instead of the lab? (Which you'd have no use for, since there are no reinforcement portals.)

Also, what about a Clue on mission complete that spoofs the reward table - have a couple of 'Mole-themed' rewards. Originally, I thought maybe under each reward have a 'You cannot choose this reward because you can only claim this reward once every 20 hours.' But actually making the Clue 'Mole' versions of the uncommon components would probably work just as well.

Also, how about at the end of the sabotage phase, you get an 'Astral Mole-rit' (groan; maybe you can come up with something better...) (again as a clue).

For that matter, defeating Molerauder could give you an Empyrean Mole-rit, or something.

Just some ideas to pack a bit more 'Incarnate satire' into the arc...

Thanks for the play and the suggestions, I'll definitely think about adding some more stuff if I get around to some edits. Which reminds me, I need to play my second arc soon.

Also, anyone have any recommendations for other arcs to put on the list for people to play? We need a bit more variety and/or more members!

#CoHMA Playing Arc #517859: Crime is Art and Art is Crime, by @Twoflower for the Architect Arc club
#CoHMA contact is Captain Sabine - very nice look, quite steampunky. She specializes in art crime.
#CoHMA my first task in helping the PPD Art Crimes division- Sabine is the only member FYI is shutting down the Carnie "extreme" art gallery
Some fun art references and nice looking custom Carnies. Love the optional boss who's such a nobody I wasn't even there to arrest her.
#CoHMA M1: Mistress Yomi was a fun one too, her dialog was all in Haiku... kinda.
#CoHMA M1: One of the "artists" surrendered out of fear of "Sven Dali" - an abstract artist creating living sculptures and hates competition
#CoHMA M2: Dali is working with more dangerous people than the Carnies, with a warehouse called Richter Holdings, supected 5th hideout.
#CoHMA M2: Though Richter seems an odd choice for 5th considering Stephan Richter, also 5th seem more laughable than dangerous.
#CoHMA M2: Apparently Sven's plan is to animate Mount Rushmore, and with the help of the 5th, he may just have the means to do it.
#CoHMA M3: I kinda like how my contact is still referring to this as "The biggest art crime ever."
#CoHMA M3: Now I'm heading into Dali's tunneling operation heading towards the monument.
#CoHMA M3: 4 prototypes to destroy? I get the feeling I'm going to see some #CoH founding fathers soon.
#CoHMA M3: And the founding statue fathers are very heavy on the historic puns.
#CoHMA M3: I thought the puns were going a little bit overboard after fighting all 4 of them in a row, but otherwise a fun little arc.

Crime is Art and Art is Crime (#517859)

Mission 1

Briefing: "I draw the line where it crosses the line" - redundant phrase that makes it meaningless. Possibly this was intentional, but I wasn't sure. Holding an art show doesn't seem illegal enough to justify a PPD raid (admittedly nitpicky).

I love the line "I was into ironic anti-crimes before they were cool."

"Cruel Paintings" glowy should probably be called "Cruel Painting". I like the various art glowies; I kinda think there should be more (it's a big warehouse ... or possibly the map could be smaller) since it is an art show. Maybe more cruel paintings.

I like the interaction between Lady-in-Scarlet and Sven Dali, or, technically, Sven Dali's sculptures.

The Stone Slab is good, but I dunno if I buy the Rikti drones as abstract art; I only saw a few mobs in the ambush but I'd suggest more stoney looking things. I realize not all sculpture is made of stone, but stone things will be more evocative of the animated statue thing you're going for. The rock-like DE maybe? Cimerorans recolored grey? Perhaps custom mobs with heroic looking costumes, but colored grey (like the statues in Atlas)?

Frozen Maiden's cameo was amusing.

Maryonette's puppet gag didn't quite work for me, the mobs she uses don't really look like puppets to me; they're far too obviously Automata, which are meant to look human. Perhaps if you re-colored them to be more garish?


Mission 2

Briefing: I think the info provided by Lady-in-Scarlet would be more effectively conveyed as an "end of mission 1" clue depicting Lady-in-Scarlet saying these things "in character" during an interrogation, rather than being related second-hand by Captain Sabine. Then Sabine can maybe recap it here in the mission 2 briefing.

Sabine says Lady-in-Scarlet says that Dali is "turning to some bad people"; what bad people?

"Richter Holdings" immediately suggests a connection to Lord Recluse to me, but then Sabine says it's a 5th Column front.

Send-off message: "facists" should be "fascists".

The mission title is "Raid the Art Studio"; consider mentioning that it's Dali's art studio in the briefing itself, e.g., change "He has a warehouse" to "He has an art studio in a warehouse". (Nitpicky)

For an art studio there really isn't very much art. Just the stolen paintings that clearly weren't made by Sven. To make it more like an art studio there should really be a bunch of artworks that are in-progress, partially completed, or even finished but cast aside as not good enough. I think there should be some sculptures, perhaps a mix of inanimate ones (Hero statue objectives) and fighting ones. Especially good would be if there were more art crimes that were previous attempts before the Big One represented in mission 3. Maybe stolen and re-animated versions of Michaelangelo's David, Venus de Milo, or other famous statues.

I love the evil scheme to [SPOILER]animate Mount Rushmore[/SPOILER] but I don't see what the 5th Column gets out of this. They aren't normally out to just cause random chaos (unlike the Carnies); they should benefit somehow. Alternatively you could make the mobs in this mission Carnies; their connection to Dali makes more sense anyway and causing chaos is just fine with them.

Possibly I missed some optional objectives as I did not fully explore the map. I didn't encounter many mission details before I completed the mission though.


Mission 3

Aha, some more examples of Animated Statues! I like the Astronaut Sculpture but he could use more description (only 5 words currently).

Clay Wad looks pretty good too. Consider making them slightly grey rather than pure white?

Ran into Abraham Lincoln and George Washington, they were quite fun. I think maybe they should be named "Statue of Abraham Lincoln" and "Statue of George Washington" since they aren't actually Lincoln and Washington. Also, I think they should be made the maximum height, since they are described as being 600 feet tall. (Which begs the question of how I can encounter them inside the cave, but maybe we can ignore that.)

The line "The Empire of Liberty is going to stomp a mudhole in you and walk it dry!" just doesn't work for me. I suggest "When in the course of human events it becomes necessary to kick your butt!" I really like "I hold these fists to be self-evident!" though.

I don't think it makes any sense for Theodore Roosevelt to self-rez, suggest you drop that from his powerset. Also, an animated statue wielding a stone gun that actually shoots exceeds my sense of disbelief (I know, we're talking about animated statues of Presidents, but still) ... consider making him a mace wielder so he can use a "Big Stick"?

I am utterly shocked that Sven Dali isn't an earth controller, or at least an earth dominator. Admittedly control powers are hazardous to many players, but I kinda think he should have the earth control pet. He did do some stone melee attacks, maybe I just didn't see enough of his powers. He died awfully quickly, maybe should be a higher tier boss. He should totally summon or animate more statues to attack the player during the fight.

I am tempted to suggest renaming the big bad guy to "Muhammad Dali" for an extra joke, but it doesn't really work for an artist.

I think Dali needs a groupie, a female Carnie re-colored or re-costumed in a "hipster" outfit, who spends her time appreciating Dali's genius. Or possibly an animated female statue, a Galatea or Caryatid.

Final debriefing: I like the suggestion that an artist wants to paint the hero. I'd like to suggest you tie this closer to the story by making Lady-in-Scarlet the person who is so impressed by the hero's awesomeness that she wants to paint/sculpt the hero.

Souvenir: "George Washington's Head" doesn't really work as a souvenir for me. I'd suggest something like "Sven Dali's Scarf".


Overall

Here's the feedback I wrote:

Very fun concept! Felt mission 2 was a little weak, 5th Column connection very tenuous and needs more "artsy" details; add some early art-crimes that Dali did before building up to the Rushmore plot. I don't buy Rikti drones as sculpture; suggest animated hero statues. Animated presidents should be max height! Also, Dali needs a female hipster groupie!



I gave this arc 4 stars. I hope this helps!

Thanks for the feedback, PW! I'm editing the arc tonight and will take these suggestions and fixes into account.

The puppets are supposed to still blatantly be Nemesis Automatons -- she stole them and reprogrammed them, which is why they go "For Lord Nemesis!" when they ambush. That's the joke.

I can add a redundant end-of-mission clue for Lady-in-Scarlet. I still want Sabine to explain it, since some folks completely miss clues, but redundancy can't hurt.

I'm going to add Johan Richter to M2, the president of the company, to further explain the connection with Sven and to ensure no confusion with Lord Recluse. He'll be a new goal (arrest owner). I already had Oberst Kafka explain why they're doing this (subverting an American icon to destroy their enemies... they are nazis, after all) but Johan will clarify even further. I'll also add way more stolen paintings and art supplies and other things, to add atmosphere, as you suggest.

Astronaut Sculpture's description is a Portal 2 joke. It's a but obscure, but hey, descriptions are a good place for obscure jokes since many folks miss them.

As for beefing up Sven... Control sets on bosses are either ridiculously tough or too easy, depending on who you're playing. I wanted something basic to avoid one-stars and "guy at the end was too hard". Earth assault gives him a good mix of attacks.

As for a female hipster groupie.... hmmmmm. I like that idea. Also the idea for the souvenier.

THANKS! Great feedback!

I just published a new arc that could use some constructive feedback.


Agent of the OSS (#525356, heroic level 20+)

The Office of Strategic Services needs your help to extract an OSS agent with valuable intelligence who has been captured by the Nazis.

Arc #508837 Whack a Mole! Incarnate Edition! Lambda Sector by @Bubbawheat - Neutral 50, 7 plays

Whack a Mole! Incarnate Edition! Lambda Sector is a rare gem. I ran it with my level 20 Street Justice/Invulnerability scrapper--twice! The first pass was my feeling it out and getting used to the frenetic, rampant pacing that a 15 minute timer can bring. I got about 2/3 of the way into it before time ran out. The second pass, I did the right thing: I went straight for the objectives with minimal battling of the various mobs after the first room. The arc as a whole is a blast, even on a level 20 scrapper, so I think I'd really dig it on my level 50 controllers or blaster. Give it a shot!

Arc #525356 Agent of the OSS by @PW, Hero 20+, 0 plays

I'm a sucker for Golden Age heroics. The complete trades of Marvel's Invaders books are on my shelf, I watched Captain America in theaters with my girlfriend, and I'm a little of a history buff. That all said, this arc puts you in the role of a Golden Age hero enlisted to save an agent from the Nazis. Going from there puts you through a few short, action-packed, well-written missions with an eye for details, adding your hero's exploits to those of one of Paragon's established pantheon of heroes. Very well done, and worth a play, especially if you have any heroes who might fit thematically in terms of visuals and powersets--a Blackhawks or Howling Commandos-inspired Tommy Gun wielding blaster, perhaps?

That's two 5-starrings in one night! Great job, folks!

Adding...

#482914 "Black as Midnight: Team Spirit" (33 plays)

*Overhauled from a long 5-mission (22-27) Intro arc into a short 1-mission (50+) Intro arc designed for Incarnate (solo) or Team play.

*The encounters are set to Medium or Hard (barring 2 Ambushes) and there's Allies to help out.

*Mix of Custom & Standard enemies.

*Tested with 12+ level 50 Incarnates on x8 and 3 pre-32s on standard settings, so I know it's still doable.

What I'd like feedback on:
1) Is there enough here to entice you to try the short upcoming missions when I get them finished or is more info needed?

2) Is the action fun?

I'll get to playing 2 arcs this week...

Okay, for my second October arc, I picked "Crime is Art and Art is Crime" (ID#517859), by @Twoflower.

For me, the bottom line is that it was a good, well-done, entertaining arc. While it didn't "grab me and wow me," that's certainly not a bad thing and I still thought it was certainly very good work and definitely worth checking out. I wouldn't hesitate to give it 4 stars as an 'official' rating (and, as typical for me, gave it 5 stars in game).

The pacing of the story, and the game play of the missions was all great, and, with the exceptions noted below, the writing is good. Of course, the actual idea for the story/plot was (IMO) really neat, and very well done. So now to the nitpicks:

(And let me be very clear that none of these are deal breakers - they're just stuff that my brain 'keyed' onto as areas I'd improve if it was my own arc and I was doing a test play through of it)

For me, one of the most notable 'nitpicks' was the fact that the writing was slightly awkward in many places. It wasn't really grammatically incorrect, and there weren't spelling or punctuation errors (except for a few places where a comma was used but wasn't needed, or a semicolon was used when a period would have been better). It didn't detract from my enjoyment: it was *just* on the threshold of notice (i.e. I'd read something, think 'I probably would have worded that a little differently' and then move on). It's one of those things where I'd just go through all of my dialog and clues with a critical eye toward 'Is there a better, slightly clearer way to say this'; I'm certainly not saying that hasn't already been done, just IMO it could use one more pass.

Humor's a very subjective thing, and most of the humor in the first two missions didn't really resonate with me. That's not a bad thing: just 'cause I didn't find it funny, doesn't mean somebody with different taste wouldn't either, after all. I did find the "president" dialog in the last mission to be an exception - I was definitely amused there (and as sure as I say that, someone else will likely say they liked the humor in the first part, but didn't really like the "president" dialog humor). Heck, to be honest, I really liked the whole concept behind that last mission: there was something about fighting Dali's 'prototype' statues (of evil presidents) that really clicked with me. Now if only evil Abe was wielding an ax (obscure Futurama reference...)

The custom group's 'stock' mobs all seemed to award 75% XP. Are they all set to Standard/Standard? If so, I would recommend resetting to 'custom,' selecting all the powers that would normally be selected under 'Standard' and see if they don't end up worth more XP (they usually are).

Why the heck did Roosevelt resurrect? (I don't have a problem with mobs that resurrect, mind you, I was just curious if that was supposed to be a satirical reference to something...)

Anyway, as I said before, nitpicking aside, it was certainly an entertaining arc, and worth the time to play. Well done!

Played "To Dream of Nothing" by Zaphir

For Reference Reasons:
Character: Level 50(+1) Illusion/Empathy Controller
Settings: +0/x6/Bosses Off/AVs Off

Overall: 3.75 / Rated: 5

Story: 3.83
Logic: 4.75
Solid basis, no inconsistencies found.
Details: 4.25
There's pleny of details throughout and at times I found myself needing to re-read.
Dialogue: 2.50
While the dialogue wasn't bad at all, the sheer amount during a few encounters requires a seperate NPC Chat tab to make sure you don't miss anything.

Action: 3.75
Immersion: 3.00
Aside from the required bosses and allies, there was little going on NPC-wise in the missions.
Flow: 3.75
Due to the white optional objectives mixing with white required and some chained objectives, found myself stopping a bit to figure out what to do next.
Cast: 4.50
The customs were pretty well done. Male ally most memorable.

Technical: 4.16
Presentation: 3.00
While I felt there was good use of paragraph breaks and italicizing(?), there was a bit too much white for me everywhere.
Maps: 4.50
Balance: 5.00
Can't go too wrong when using Standard critters for the majority of missions. Customs were in-line.

Rewards: 3.25

Thanks for the review, glad to hear you (mostly) liked the arc!

You touch on an interesting point -- making combat feel meaningful and have a sense of tension can be as important as story (in fact, when playing a story arc with a large group, it IS more important than story).

Unfortunately, this arc was originally in the 5-10 level range, so I didn't dare put in anything that could put squishies at a disadvantage. For example, defensible objects are good fun on a char that can handle it, but getting a normal spawn + a hard ambush's worth of mobs on a level 4 defender is probably not going to go over well. That said, my test characters had some tense moments in mission 3 (warehouse) when one of the allies spawned in the center of the big room, and reaching them triggered 3-4 spawns at the same time.

Good point about possibly including a different enemy group, though... and M3 does lend itself to it in a way. I'll look into it.


Thanks again,

-- Z.

Speaking of arcs with interesting combat situations, I just finished another arc last week that hopefully qualifies:

"The Astral Prison", ID #524278, heroic, level 40+

All feedback on the arc is welcome!


-- Z.
(No spoilers, but there's an optional objective in M1 that is 'intended to be failed'. Can you prevent that from happening? )

With Bosses being Lieutenants unless the player has Bosses on... I don't see how adding a few unique Boss encounters would be overpowering, personally.

Anyhoo... I hesitated joining up on this because most of you are "Dev's Choice" writers and I really don't have any right being here because I won't ever have that status... but I felt it couldn't hurt hearing feedback from an action junkie such (yes, I still read all the text) and I could stand to have a few writer's tips/story pointers myself.

Played "Cracking Skulls" by Flame Kitten

For Reference Reasons:
Character: Level 50 Ice/Energy Blaster
Settings: +0/x3/Bosses Off/AVs Off

Overall: 4.38 / Rated: 5

Story: 4.83
Logic: 5.00
Details: 4.75
Dialogue: 4.75

Action: 4.75
Immersion: 4.75
A good mix of unique encounters to keep me interested.
Flow: 4.50
Cast: 5.00

Technical: 4.41
Presentation: 4.00
While most formats were great, not sold that Nav was used to best of its ability.
Maps: 4.25
Not sold on mission 1s map being the best for that mission.
Balance: 5.00
Can't go too wrong when using Standard critters for the majority of missions. Customs were in-line and blended in with the standards so well, I had to do a double take.

Rewards: 3.50