I'll try yours if you'll try mine

PoliceWoman · 04-23-2009 08:59 AM

I found this thread offering general advice to all reviewers on this forum. Okay, so some people think the original poster really has an axe to grind against one particular reviewer's style; but I'm going to take this at face value and try to get some value from it. I certainly think it would be hypocritical for me to give out constructive criticism, but refuse to accept it.

So, that poster listed 5 things to avoid as a forum reviewer. Let's go over them.

[ QUOTE ]

1) Claiming "objectivity" of any kind, in any form. ... [E]valuation... is inherently subjective. Admit it and move on.

2) Playing "Guess What's In My Pocket". If you've got a bunch of peccadilloes that you don't reveal to your potential victims--I mean the people you review--then you're playing dirty pool. .... You have the right to be irrational as a reviewer, but if you don't tell the people asking for reviews about your dislikes, then you're setting people up, intentionally or not.

3) Snark. .... cutting people down with your witty bons mots.

4) Commenting publicly about others' grammar mistakes.

5) Reviewing something you haven't finished. .... Finish, or remain silent. If you can't finish, find a polite way to say so.

[/ QUOTE ]

So, responding to this list:

1) Everything I say is Just My Opinion. Am I objective? Well, I try to be. Do I succeed? Sometimes. Are there things I'm not objective about? Yes, totally.

2) I think this is a fair request. I did try to list what I thought I liked and disliked at the start of this thread, but after quite a few reviews, I've figured out more about what I like and don't like about story arcs. I will put a new and improved list of likes and dislikes at the end of this message.

3) I have endeavoured mightily to not be insulting or condescending towards anyone whose story arc I've reviewed in this thread. I'm well aware that each story arc is the result of hours of creative effort by the author, and have no wish to spend my time insulting this effort. The great majority of story arcs are not perfect and can use some improvement. I try to phrase my reviews so that they can be used as constructive criticism, and I try to offer the author suggestions for how I think their story can be improved.

4) I disagree with this, I think it is important to catch and report all typos, spelling errors and grammatical mistakes to the author. Often it is beneficial for a second set of eyes to proofread text that someone else has written; and most people who leave feedback won't bother to report things as trivial as typos, so often they can go unfixed even after 50 people play through the story. That said, I don't lower my rating of someone's arc based on typos or grammatical errors. Also, I'm as vulnerable to typos and grammar problems as anyone, so I won't pretend to be high and mighty about it.

5) I try to finish one play through someone's story arc before posting a review. I agree that you can't get a good picture of the full story unless you do this. I *have* quit from story arcs early a few times, but so far I've only quit early for the following reasons: (a) I can't make further progress in the story arc due to a bug, (b) The story arc requires Defeat All on a big map, (c) The story arc has no story behind it (e.g. contact's full briefing is "Go kil Skulz" and the mission is Defeat All Skulls on a farm map).

------------------------

So, absorbing the lessons from the above, here are the Top 10 Things I Hate When Reviewing a Story Arc:

10. Customized enemies that re-implement existing CoH enemies

This may just be a pet peeve of mine, but if you need a zombie, why not use a Banished Pantheon zombie instead of making your own? If you need a mobster, why not use a Family minion instead of making your own? If you need a generic shadowy mercenary organization, why not use Sky Raiders or Malta instead of making your own?

Okay, so maybe you just WANT to make your own mobs. That's cool, but if you do, try to think about what makes YOUR zombie different than the BP zombie, or YOUR shadowy mercenaries different from the Sky Raiders or Malta; then make sure your story highlights how they're different than the canonical threats. They ARE different, right?

9. Badly done Author Insertion

Oh, look, it's the character of the author or the author's friends, and they're here to help us or kick our butts! This can be done well, but it can also be done badly. If you do this, please make sure their appearance in the story makes sense within the plot of the story, and that you provide the player with some background info on these characters and an explanation for why they're there. Try to resist the temptation to make your character an AV/EB or otherwise overpowered; this will just annoy your players.

I'll freely confess that I love inserting my characters into story arcs. But I *try* to only do so if there is a story reason why they should be there. I also enjoy seeing people I know insert their characters into THEIR story arcs. But if I don't know you, and I run into your character, then the bar is automatically set higher because I have no idea who this new character is. I know this sounds unfair, but I think most people will feel the same way. So if you use your character, make sure it makes sense, and explain who he/she is.

8. Lack of dialog/clues/description from NPCs

So I see a named enemy in the mission, but inspecting their "info" shows only the standard boilerplate for a custom boss. I attack them and they never say a word, or else have very generic fight dialog ("You'll never defeat me!" "You're stronger than I realized!") that you could probably slap on any enemy and have it mostly work. Killing them maybe updates my mission objectives in the nav tool, but I don't actually get a clue or learn anything from it. An enemy like that is very generic and doesn't leave much of an impression on you; it's something of a wasted opportunity. You don't need to fill in ALL these areas, but I think it is a good idea to fill in at least a few, to give your NPC some personality, some history, and/or some purpose for being there.

7. Just not much to do during a mission

The mission is simply "Defeat Boss B" or "Click 3 glowies" and doesn't have anything more to it. While these are both valid missions, it just isn't that exciting to run through this mission. You only have 1 to 5 missions to tell your story in; with so few opportunities to make an impression on the player running your arc, I feel like you should try to make each mission individually cool.

6. Defeat all on a large or annoying map

It's time consuming and usually not that fun. Defeat all on smaller maps can be okay though, and sometimes there may be story reasons for a Defeat All (but try to use a smaller map in such cases).

5. Continuity errors

Your clue tells me X but your contact tells me Not X in his debriefing. Or the contact tells me X in mission 1 but Not X in mission 3. Basically any time some of the story text contradicts other text from earlier in the story. Try to keep the story consistent!

A less malignant example of this is when the contact tells me, "Wow you found out X!" during the mission debriefing, but I never got a clue to that effect during the mission itself.

4. Mission Impossible.

The customized mobs in the story arc are just too darn hard to fight, maybe due to the powersets that were chosen for each mob, or maybe all the minions have buff/debuff sets that combine to make the enemies too tough, or maybe the "standard/hard/extreme" setting is too high on some of your mobs, or you have four ambushes every time you turn around, or maybe you've simply determined that it's cool to have an elite boss in every spawn. Mobs with extreme defense sets (Willpower and Invuln seem most common) are especially bad for this; I've been in missions where every boss could go Unstoppable, and it was unpleasant.

For whatever reason, the player has no shot of completing your missions unless they are godlike or have a Statesman TF level team. A lot of my review runs are done solo, so in general, if I can't solo it, I probably can't give your arc a good review.

That said, I'm a decent soloer who can handle an occasional EB, and usually the main bad guy of a story arc gets a special dispensation to be more badass than the rest of the enemies.

3. Game over. You lose.

I finished the story arc, I did everything the missions asked me to do, and yet the main bad guy GETS AWAY in the end? This is maddening. Let the player "win" your story arc. "But it's continued in Part 2: Revenge of the Woozles" is not a good enough reason to leave the player with a sense of failure in Part 1, because they will never PLAY your Part 2 then.

A slightly less malignant case of this is when there IS no main bad guy to beat up in the final mission, and you win the story arc by clicking a glowy. This isn't as bad as the main bad guy escaping, but is still rather unsatisfying.

2. Not knowing why I'm doing what I'm doing.

What's my character's motivation for doing your missions? I'm beating up these sentient dandelions from dimension Upsilon Rho 5 for some reason, right? Can you please TELL me why I'm doing this? "Because the contact said so" is not usually a good enough reason. "It's an investigation (or conspiracy) and even the contact doesn't know why the sentient dandelions are involved" is one reason you can hide behind, but if you do this, put some clues for me to find that will explain things. And I certainly hope I find out what's going on by the end of the story arc!

1. The individual missions aren't connected into an overall story arc.

This can take several forms: first, there might be no story in any of the missions at all. Second, some missions seem to be from story A and other missions seem to be from story B, but the link between them is so tenuous that I don't understand why they're in the same arc; or, a less malignant form, the missions DO all share the same plot, but have wildly diverging styles or genres (e.g., mission 1 is screwball comedy, mission 2 is detective noir, mission 3 is cosmic horror).

And, for comparison, the Top 10 Things I Love When Reviewing a Story Arc:

10. Good costumes for custom characters.

If you're going to make a custom character, make them look good. If the custom character is supposed to fill a particular role, make their costume fit the role.

9. Random acts of kindness. (on hero side, anyway)

On heroic arcs I like randomly doing a peripheral good deed, like rescuing someone who was in trouble even though you weren't really there to do that; or redeeming a villain and turning them to the good side; that sort of thing makes me feel more heroic. There's no equivalent on villain arcs, though; I have no need to occasionally kick puppies to demonstrate my evilness. I do like villain arcs where you're clearly the bad guy accomplishing something criminal or evil, though.

8. Helpful clues.

Some story arcs don't use clues at all, or have clues that don't actually tell you much. I like when authors use clues to tell part of the story. I like when clues tell you information that lets YOU, the player, figure out what is going on; I prefer that to clues where "You found the widget! Your contact may be able to tell you more about it."

7. Clever concept.

Sometimes authors will create a story arc with a particularly clever concept as an idea, making their story quite different than the standard formula (go here, gather clues, go there, gather more clues, go over there, beat boss, win) that most story arcs follow. When executed well, this can be cool. (I hesitate to give examples for this as each one is very unique and special case.)

6. Dynamic missions.

I like missions where it appears stuff is happening as you progress through it; perhaps you run into moving patrols, encounter battles between factions, or a series of events occurs as a result of your actions. These all give the player a sense that stuff is going on, rather than the mission is just a big box full of exp waiting for you to collect it in bite sized chunks. Good use of linked objectives and mission details can contribute a lot to this.

5. Believable plotline.

Not sure how best to explain this, but some plotlines are more believable than others, while some make no sense at all. Try and make sure each mission logically follows from the previous one. You can certainly depend on the player's willing suspension of disbelief to some level ("Unobtainium is the critical component for the planetbuster bomb, we need you to go retrieve the Unobtainium before Dr. Badguy gets it!") but unless your story is intentionally over-the-top on parody, try not to make the player swallow anything too ridiculously unbelievable ("Unobtainium is only found in the gall bladder of Mongolian yaks, we need you to go to Mongolia and Defeat All Yaks in order to secure the world's supply of it").

4. Descriptive mission briefings

I really like to know what I'm doing on each mission, why I'm doing it, and particulars about what my objectives are. I feel like most of this should be in the mission briefing. Sometimes the particulars may be a little vague because you're just starting out your investigation, but even in this case, try to explain to the player what s/he's doing so that s/he can be clear on why they are doing your mission.

3. Good dialog and characterization.

I like when NPCs are given some dialog in the mission that helps establish their personality. It's too easy to leave the dialog boxes blank or just put some very generic chat message there that any NPC could've said. It's nicer when all their dialog is "in character" for whomever that character is supposed to be.

This also extends to clues you get from interviewing NPCs and mission briefings/debriefings you get from your contact; each of these lets you write longer dialog for the NPC in question. You can also build up your character's personality by finding things that belong to him/her or hearing other people talk about him/her.

2. A Grand Finale.

More and more, I'm finding the final mission to be the one I regard as the most important of the story arc. The last mission should lead up to a climactic moment; most commonly, when you defeat the Big Bad Guy and Save the World. Ideally the clues or debriefing should wrap up all the loose ends from the story arc, and the player should be left with the satisfied feeling of a Job Well Done. I've played story arcs that I thought were great for most of the arc, but the final mission felt unsatisfying, and I gave them a lower rating as a result; and other arcs where most of the arc was okay, but the final mission knocked my socks off, and I gave them a higher rating as a result. The final mission is your last opportunity to make an impression on your player. Make it count!

1. Sense of immersion.

If your writing grabs me from the first mission and sets a "mood" or a "tone" that is maintained through the whole story arc, I'll almost always give you high marks. This is done through good writing in the mission briefings/debriefings, the popup windows, the dialog from NPCs, the clues -- basically everywhere that you can put text that the player will read. It could be humor, but doesn't have to be; it could be horror, but doesn't have to be. I've been through arcs that set a tone of lighthearted fun, of Celtic mythology, or of stygian horror; each of which was good at pulling me out of my normal box, and building a sense of immersion that set the mood for their story.

@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"

LordXenite · 04-23-2009 10:33 AM

To be honest, I don't think you're a Police Woman at all. I think you're probably an educator of some sort.

Having read through the post I'm responding to, as well as the post that started it, I would like you to review my story-arc, Childhood Horrors (#5349). I hope you'll enjoy it and request your feedback whatever it may be.

I believe that a Kheldian Gold Standard should be based on SO's, and for anything above that... there's Platinum!

Save Ms. Liberty (#5349) � Augmenting Peacebringers � The Umbra Illuminati

Steeple · 04-23-2009 12:29 PM

Title: Enter, the Darkened
Arc ID: #107230
Creators Global Name: @Steeple
Difficulty Level: Medium - Hard
Synopsis Lady Grey has learned of a new threat to us, and they aren't Rikti.
Number of EB/AVS 2 (ally assisted)
Team or solo - tested personally...both work well.
Story Type Story centered, but plenty of combat.
Mission Count: 5
Estimated Time to Play: About 1 hour to 1.5 hour.

All feedback appreciated.

Sakura_Kishi · 04-23-2009 12:34 PM

So I tried your other arc the teen one... I found the monitor duty misison to be insanely hard (but then I was soloing on invincible so tackling a rad AV at that level is pretty crazy) and for some reason in that mission the helpers were kinda passive.

But over all I really liked the arc, I'll have to re-do it and give you a full review later, cause I forgot it was yours when I did it.

Shagster · 04-23-2009 12:34 PM

Boy, after reading your likes and dislikes, I'd love to hear what you think about either of my arcs (see sig)

You sound like exactly the type of player I'm trying to write for.
(and, no, you don't have to review. I just think you might like to play, as I was struck by how much your list of "likes" matched my list of "goals" when writing MA arcs.)

edit: oops. Just saw your first post in the thread. I'll make a point of running your arcs soon first.

I'm a published amateur comic book author: www.ericjohnsoncomics.com
******MA Arcs****
Arc 5909: "Amazon-Avatars"
Arc 6143: "Escalation" (Nominee: Architect Awards, Nominee: Player Awards, and Dev's Choice!)

GlaziusF · 04-23-2009 05:42 PM

[ QUOTE ]
Bricked Electronics

[/ QUOTE ]

Not as drastic as the rework I did following Venture's comments, but I've tightened and clarified a lot of the text. At least I think so. Anybody wants to give it a shake, link to the comment thread's in my sig.

PoliceWoman · 04-23-2009 10:31 PM

The Environmentalist Encounter review

Stated level range was 1-54 red side; I played a 28 elec/inv brute on Ruthless difficulty.

Sounds like the premise of this story arc is for the villain to confront and defeat this new hero group, the Environmentalists.

Mission 1

Briefing: "havent" should be "haven't", "doesnt" should be "doesn't", and "Does that right a bell?" should be "Does that ring a bell?" Also "destrustion" should be "destruction", "This just wont due" should be "This just won't do", "proffessionals" should be "professionals", and "Ill take care of those scum" should be "I'll take care of those scum".

Second part of briefing: needs a period at the end of the sentence.

Squeakersman goes into a lengthy rant about how the Environmentalists are destroying everything, but never does quite explain what it is that they do. I'm not sure if this was intentional.

The mission title, "Destroy all of the Environmentalists in the final room of the lair" is kinda long and unwieldy, and also redundant with the objective, which is "Defeat all enemies in end room!". You might shorten the mission title to something like "Destroy Environmentalists" or "Defeat Environmentalist Leader". Also, "end room" seems rather vague and confusing, I found one cave I *thought* was the "end room" but turned out not to be; "Defeat Rose" or "Defeat Environmentalist Leader" would be more clear.

I think you might want to explain why the Environmentalists are in this particular office that the player is busting up. Is it their home base? Is it someplace they took over from the villains? Some explanation of why they're here would be nice.

The Environmentalists seem to have a nature/elements theme going; decent costumes and descriptions. The cumulative effect of all their elemental effects might be a little too dangerous though; I spent a lot of time with my recharge floored and my defense debuffed into the negatives due to a combination of their powers. I think eart control, ice blasts, spine attacks. The combination of all these debuffs will probably make the Environmentalists unfun for players to fight; you might consider toning down the amount of slow and defense debuff that your mobs are throwing around.

I found Rose, who spawned as a +1 EB for me and seemed fairly hard. In her description, "midly" should be "mildly" and "alot" should be "a lot". I managed to beat her by using a lot of purples/oranges early on, then somehow lasting long enough for my elec melee to drain her out of END, after which she didn't attack very much. Some of her dialog only makes sense if the character she's fighting is male - "Come here big boy!" etc. "Im thinking that your not going to be the one for me" should be "I'm thinking that you're not going to be the one for me."

There didn't seem to be a lot to do in this mission other than just finding and fighting Rose. I think it would be helpful if you got some clues, either from defeating Rose or clicking glowies or something, that told you what the Environmentalists were planning; this would then lead into later missions.

Debriefing: Afraid I really didn't like it; it was only one line, "Muahaha you actually defeated them? Interesting. Maybe there is hope for you yet." and that one line was kinda rude, considering he seemed confident enough to send me into this mission in the first place. I suggest you rewrite it to more closely match the way he talked in the original briefing.

Mission 2

Briefing: "Interesting, that cunnying woman, Rose, was there? This is worse than I thought. .... I thought that their plan was only to cause mayhem, but by what Rose has said, they are planning on destroying the entire Rogue Islands." This information really belongs in the debriefing of the previous mission, and/or a clue from defeating Rose. Also I think "cunnying" maybe should be "cunning" and "Rogue Islands" should be "Rogue Isles". You may also want to give a clue as to just HOW they plan to destroy the Rogue Isles.

Also I'm not sure what you mean by "This cannot be dealth with slowly".

The actual briefing of the mission seems to be to just go fight more Environmentalists, in particular a leader named Piedra.

Entering the mission, I get a popup that says "Why do I smell rotten stones?" This is a puzzling statement. Stones are not normally described as rotten.

The mission title is "Locate Piedra", but probably should be "Defeat Piedra". It's basically a mission where you just find and defeat the boss. I think you might want to add some more details to this mission to make it more interesting than an average radio mission.

Piedra is again a +1 EB to me, a stone/stone brute... wow, very rough fight for me. I narrowly squeaked out a win by using all my inspirations. In his dialog, "this isnt happening" should be "this isn't happening" and "burried" should be buried.

In the clue you find after defeating Piedra, "Lets" should be "Let's". Also if the map is etched in stone, how can you take the map to the contact? Maybe you should describe the player copying the map. It would also be nice to give the player some clue what the map seems to be a map OF.

Mission 3

Briefing: OK, so the Environmentalists are setting off a universal bomb that will destroy all the Rogue Isles. I have to say this doesn't sound either heroic or environmentally safe, so this seems out of character for a heroic Environmentalist group. And...why would they etch a map to their bomb in *stone*? That doesn't make very much sense, I'm afraid.

Also, "posses" should be "possess", "entirity" should be "entirety" and "set to go of in 90 minutes" should be "set to go off in 90 minutes".

"Remember that the Environmentalists are crazy about trees, I would look around a tree for the Universal Bomb." ... this doesn't make sense, I'm afraid. If you like trees, you don't bomb them.

"Well too bad im too busy to go with you" ... im should be I'm. But actually, just delete this whole line, I don't think the contact needs to explain he won't go help you fight the AV.

Also "cant" should be "can't" in the mission accept text.

Mission title: "Univeral" should be "Universal".

Entering the mission, I find it is set in Oranbega. I thought this was a crazy map choice until I got to the final room which was the Thorn Tree room from the villain respec.

Disarming the bomb seemed awfully easy, all I had to do was move up to it and click it.

Found Helada, the Environmentalist leader. She was in the same room as the bomb (which was inside the Thorn Tree trunk), which seems a little unsafe when the bomb is capable of blowing up the whole Rogue Isles. In her description "Rouge Isles" should be "Rogue Isles". She's also a +1 EB, but ice blast/ice armor. As a brute I could not defeat her; her chilling embrace put my recharge to -88% and basically my attacks would not recharge fast enough, so I could not do more damage than her regen.

I didn't really feel like going to Bloody Bay for a shivan or trying to drag more people into the mission to kill Helada; I didn't really want to quit the arc either, though. But the final mission had a 90 minute timer, so I decided to let the timer run out and see what would happen.

Returned after my 90 minutes and the contact lectures me for letting them destroy the Rogue Isles. Heh, not bad! "alot" should be "a lot" though.

Overall:
I like how the Environmentalists look, and their elemental theme is cool, but I think they are too good at debuffing right now; in many fights against them I had my recharge and defense floored, which will be fatal for a lot of people and unfun for most. Helada, the final big boss, was too hard for me to beat, mostly because of chilling embrace slowing me so badly. I do see that you put some warnings in the story arc description that there are EBs and controllers in this story arc, but I still think you might be well advised to reduce the difficulty some in order to appeal to more players.

I think the story behind this arc needs some work, also. I get that the Environmentalists hate Arachnos, but it's not really clear why; maybe manufacture a reason (perhaps Arachnos is making the Rogue Isles the world's #1 polluter or something). The first two missions don't really have much story beyond a typical radio mission; you go in and kill a boss and that's it. Both could stand to have more detail added to them. The final mission does have the bomb threat in addition to the boss you have to kill; but the bomb is a little too easily disarmed to feel like a credible threat.

And I have to think that using a bomb to blow up the Rogue Isles does not seem like a suitable plot for this group, as it is neither heroic nor especially environmentally conscious. Let me suggest you give them a master plan that more closely fits their "environmentalist" theme - maybe they have some device that would cause the Rogue Isles to be overrun with trees, turning the whole place into Primeva in Nerva. Or maybe they start a new Ice Age that covers the Rogue Isles with glaciers.

Anyhow, between the mob difficulty and the story problems, I felt I could only give this arc 2 stars. I hope you think that is fair.

---------------------

I owe a review to:

Pippy - The Paragon Caper 65246
@Sakura-kishi - The Prisoners from the Land of OZ 49326
@Wrong Number - Death to Disco 84420
@Mr Beatdown - The Oblivion Lens 91897
@jjac - 1 of A Tangle in Time 2622 or Eclipse over Paragon 64609
@Shadow-rush - 2 of The Missing 37636 or Pandas vs Rikti 68930
@parhaius - 2 of Ideality Part1 42436 or Ideality Part2 103737
@Markus V8.0 - Shift Awesome! 97358
@KingSac - The Once and Future King Sac 99394
@jjac - second arc

in queue:

WynterPhrost
Baron_Rufus
Leaf Cutter Ant - Yellow Submarine 92780
@Canadian Canuk - 99 bottles of Beer 100616
@OverlordIndigo - A Hero is Made, Not Born 20863
LordXenite - Childhood Horrors 5349
@Steeple - Enter, the Darkened 107230
Shagster - Amazon-Avatars 5909 or Escalation 6143

You can make me owe you a review if you run through and review one of:

Axis and Allies (1379)
Celebrity Kidnapping (1388)
Teen Phalanx Forever! (67335)

@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"

GGG247 · 04-24-2009 11:05 AM

I ran "Axis and Allies" last evening and sent you some feedback on it, but I wanted to re-iterate that it was the best arc I've done so far.

Fantastic use of costumes and maps, and I felt like I actually learned some things about World War 2! The scope of the arc was really huge, yet it was broken into nice-sized individual missions. I thought that I was rolling along so efficiently that I may have won the war a little sooner than 1945, though! (The final hostage let me know "when" I was at that point.)

Anyway, great job! This is definitely the kind of arc the Devs must have had in mind when they came up with MA. (I gave you 5 stars, if you couldn't tell!)

Please try my arcs:

Arc# 63910 "Why Do Bad Girls Like Bad Boys?" (length=Long, levels 40+)
Arc# 401500 "How to Be a Successful Professional Criminal" (length=Very Long, levels 1-10)

DarthGM · 04-24-2009 12:15 PM

I ran "Celebrity Kidnapping" last night, and hope to run "Axis and Allies" this weekend sometime.

Okay, for humor value alone, "Celebrity Kidnapping" was a nice little jaunt. 3 missions, small maps, no "Surprise! It's an AV!" at the end; well done.

Very interesting power set on your "ally" for two of the missions. It actually worked well with the Tanker I brought.

I hate ambushes. I really, really do. Especially when they just happen to spawn on top of me when I take out the last of the group that triggers them. If I were a blaster or a defender, I might not have been able to handle the spawn. Even so, it did make sense, and story reasons are a good reason to have them, even if I don't like them.

I gave it a very solid 4 Stars. I like the story, I like the map sizes, I hate the ambush, I had a good time, I'd suggest it to my friends.

Squeakersman · 04-24-2009 12:54 PM

I tried to fix most of the obvious spelling errors such as "cunnying" and "dealth" multiple times (before your post). I don't know what I did not do right, but it is not fixing them.

" I don't let me kids play on the Freedom Server" -Oya

PoliceWoman · 04-24-2009 01:05 PM

[ QUOTE ]
I tried to fix most of the obvious spelling errors such as "cunnying" and "dealth" multiple times (before your post). I don't know what I did not do right, but it is not fixing them.

[/ QUOTE ]

Two things that I've noticed, that seem to mess up editing published missions:

1. Be sure you are editing the published mission, NOT your local copy of the mission. You'll most likely have a copy of your story arc under both. The one you want to change is under "Published Stories" and when you save it, it should say "Republish & Exit" or something like that, NOT "Save & Exit".

2. I've noticed a definite lag between the time you "Republish" a story arc and when the changes actually take place. As a result, "Republish & Play" almost never seems to work for me; I nearly always end up in an instance of my story arc that doesn't have the changes I just added. I now almost always use "Republish & Exit", then wait a few seconds, then "Play" it if I want to test it.

I also try to periodically save a local copy of my published arcs, with the most current changes (I'm fidgety and frequently will go back and edit little details in my missions in response to feedback). This way if the server dies or rolls back to an older version, or the GMs decide to delete your story arc or something, you still have your local copy as a back up.

Hope that helps!

@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"

Squeakersman · 04-24-2009 06:34 PM

Okay yeah i did use Republish and Play. Well you helped alot. Sorry my mission wasnt as fun as I thought it would have been But thank you for reviewing it for me. I changed Rose to standard/standard rather than standard/hard, so that prolly will help those with problems with her. I also changed the Cold Support enemies to ice blast/ice control. This definately has reduced the issue with the recharge.

Lastly, I changed Helada a bit. I have another question. Did you find the ally within the mission? The reason I put him there is because he kept saying he was "obviously" busy, but in reality he wanted to help. I reduced Helada's abilities to standard/standard, but I honestly think she may be too easy with the assistance of Squeakersman.

I will probably change the map of the first mission to make more sense. Was there a glowie within that map? It contained the clue called "A Rose". The group does not have a grudge against arachnos, but against villainy in general. I like your idea about pollution and I will deffinately incorporate it!

Okay I will be perfectly honest, I did not test this mission with an electric brute. I do not have one. I tried it with my blaster (lvl 50 ele/ele), MM (lvl 50 and lvl 39), Fortunata/Widow (50), Fire/kin (50). I also had a few of my friends try out the arc. One very IOed blaster said Rose was not too hard not too easy, I should have changed it then!

To be honest this was my first attempt to actually create a good arc, but I feel it doesn't meet the standards that many have set for them.

Thanks for your honest feedback.

" I don't let me kids play on the Freedom Server" -Oya

Lycanus · 04-24-2009 08:02 PM

I'm going to give this a try....though it means giving the 5th Column to a Daughter of Bast who's pretty deep into the whole Eyes of Ra agent of divine wrath bit (and works with longbow secretly)

be an interesting 5th Column

Any of the following are good to try:

Hunter of Beasts: It begins with a riot... Arc ID: 110465 - Heroic - Very Long

The Aegis Affair - Heroic - **** - 16376 - Very Long

A Rose's Thorns -- Heroic -- 113224 - Medium

Thrythlind's Deviant Art Page
"Notice at the end, there: Arcanaville did the math and KICKED IT INTO EXISTENCE." - Ironik on the power of Arcanaville's math

LordXenite · 04-24-2009 08:42 PM

Teen Phalanx Forever! (67335)

I played a Lv50 PB on Heroic difficulty.

First off, Coyote does a great job of briefing the player about the odds of facing very powerful enemies (EB's on Heroic), but states that caution and sticking with the team will help. Like a good team-member, that's what I did. I went on slowly (the maps luckily were not too large or complex) and made sure I kept the Teen Phalanx close by before starting a fight.

The flow of the story and action was excellent so much so that although I started out with a "been-there, done-that" feeling, by the end of the first mission, the dialogs and compelling "teen-drama" captured my interest and amused me to no end. (I'm easily amused at times...)

Entering the Monitor Duty mission, a staple in most TV shows about Super-groups, had me expecting somewhat of a let-down, just click the Monitor, have it display a very long progress-bar and then the mission would end. So, I took my time to explore the Teen Phalanx Base. Boy oh boy did I ever find goodies! I never knew Cora had such an artistic flare and inserting a self-reference was cleverly done!

After the exploration part was complete, and with a lot of time on the clock, I clicked the Monitor, and settled in to wait for the progress-bar to go down... *WOAH!* was I ever surprised at what happened next!

The plot then shifted past the "we've got trouble" moment and things got real serious when... (that's it, I won't tell you, you'll have to play it yourself).

The good parts: Solid writing, clever use of maps, good character highlighting and a sense of accomplishment that grows from mission to mission.

The bad parts?: Not much, perhaps simply the fact that it's been done before... and maybe that St...Stacy.. that's right, Stacy never made an appearance! I'd have loved to have seen that!

Here's my personal souvenir from this solo-friendly 5-stars arc.

I believe that a Kheldian Gold Standard should be based on SO's, and for anything above that... there's Platinum!

Save Ms. Liberty (#5349) � Augmenting Peacebringers � The Umbra Illuminati

PoliceWoman · 04-24-2009 09:37 PM

[ QUOTE ]
Here's my personal souvenir from this solo-friendly 5-stars arc.

[/ QUOTE ]

Love this screen shot! I'm glad you had a good time.

@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"

LordXenite · 04-24-2009 10:28 PM

I did indeed. Then tried Celebrity Kidnapping (1388) on my Plant/Thorn Dominator and had to call it quits in the 3rd mission... I played on Difficulty 4 and forgot how squishy Dominators are when confronted with enemies that can hold better than the Dominator can...

I think I'll have to either lower the difficulty, or switch to another Villain.. perhaps a Mastermind.

All in all, really solid work and I like Celebrity Kidnapping so far despite the silly defeat I had.

I hope you'll have as much fun with my arc as I've had with yours. Though I doubt it.

I believe that a Kheldian Gold Standard should be based on SO's, and for anything above that... there's Platinum!

Save Ms. Liberty (#5349) � Augmenting Peacebringers � The Umbra Illuminati

Lycanus · 04-25-2009 01:35 AM

I also heavily enjoyed the Teen Phalanx Forever storyarch, though I edited out the "Kid" and "Mentor" parts slightly...

I was already playing a Teen Hero.

In fact, I was going to choose between my Teenage Medusa girl, Medusae, and Calico Rey, my character who is heavily implied to be the daughter of Ranma Saotome (Ranma 1/2) and Tanya Rey (Gold Digger).

I ended up playing Calico, Dark/Shield 18.

The last fight was a bit sticky, and I had to go to the hospital once, but given how much lower I was, that's not surprising.

In any case, very awesome Next Gen storyarch.

You could move it to a Next Gen genre on the List by Genre...would seem to be worth a genre on its own.

Thrythlind's Deviant Art Page
"Notice at the end, there: Arcanaville did the math and KICKED IT INTO EXISTENCE." - Ironik on the power of Arcanaville's math

Azerrath · 04-25-2009 06:36 AM

Arc Name: Facing Chaos
Arc ID: 105163
Faction: Heroic
Creator Global/Forum Name: @Aracade
Difficulty Level: Moderate
Synopsis: An old king that has seen his world end learns the cause of its destruction is being drawn to this world. Unwilling to see another world fall he calls for the help of the heroes that protect it. (Level 40+)
Estimated Time to Play: 45 to 90 minutes

PoliceWoman · 04-25-2009 09:59 AM

The Paragon Caper review

Arc description says "challenging for high level characters", so I played a 50 AR/dev blaster.

Mission 1
Not a bad mission briefing. First mission appears to be to stop a bank robbery.

Ran into a bunch of "Spectral Goons", who appear to be some kind of ghostly criminals. I stealthed by them to the final room to fight the lead bank robber, as requested by the mission objectives. But after defeating the robber, he vanished and then I got a clue saying essentially that he is tricking the police into believing I robbed the bank.

Now I have to defeat the police captain to escape. This is an interesting switch, but I don't think it makes sense from a story standpoint; the contact, Detective Harlan, sent me here and KNOWS I came here, so the police should be well aware I'm here on their behalf. On top of that, Detective Harlan said there were no police available to check on this bank robbery, so having a police captain show up here isn't consistent with that. So this is both a logic problem and a continuity problem.

I found it very ironic for the police captain to say "I'm going to have to place you under arrest, Police Woman. Please come quietly." Not everyone will have this problem, of course. Wow, the captain hits REALLY hard for a lieutenant; got KO'd by him once, but managed to hospital, then come back and beat him (which is kind of odd for an escape; I mean I was out of the mission, and I had to come back in to beat him to escape).

Debriefing: well written debriefing, and the detective is properly apologetic about the mess he's gotten you in, though I still don't think it makes sense that the player would be wanted by the cops for this. Also you may want to name your villain something other then "The Shade", which is a name used by a DC comics villain with dark powers.

Mission 2
Nice mission briefing, well-written. Our goal is now to go to a local nightclub to try and gather information about "The Shade".

I like the mission title, "Get info from bar patrons", and the objective "Convince barkeep to sing". Busting up a bar for information is great, you see this sort of thing in comics all the time.

The bar seems full of these Paragon Underground people. And they seem really hostile, so instead of questioning them, I end up shooting them. It's one of the small casino maps so it's not long before I run into the bartender and defeat him. He gives me a nice clue for my trouble, a lead on Shade's location.

Mission 3
Now we're heading to a warehouse that we think the Shade is using as a hideout, just a few steps ahead of "the cops".

More of Shade's Goons here; I tested out fighting one of their lieutenants, as he was surrounded by particle effects indicating he was psy blast/dark armor. He had a lot of mez powers as well as mez protection, so he could stun me and I couldn't stun him; I was able to beat him due to Defiance but I think he'd be quite troublesome for some players. You might consider reducing his Dark Armor setting so he doesn't have Oppressive Gloom/Obsidian Armor?

OK, I now find that the contact is waiting here to beat me up. I guess this explains why he never told the police I was actually on the side of the good guys. He spawned as a +0 AR/willpower elite boss for me. I got him down to about 2% life but he ran into another spectral thug, that aggroed on me, along with his ambush, which ended up killing me. I could've played this better, though, as I had stealthed to him and not cleared mobs around him, so didn't have a lot of running-around room.

Returning from hospital I manage to beat Detective Harlan, and got a pretty well written clue, where he rants about how capes steal all the glory from the regular cops. In fact, I originally started Police Woman (my main character) because I felt bad for all the regular cops that get held at gunpoint by level 1 Hellions, and wanted to set a better example. So I simultaneously have a sense of sympathy and a sense of irony at the way the plot is going.

I now need to defeat Captain O'Connor again, who apparently is in on the conspiracy. Having defeated him and escaped, the mission exit blurb says that Detective Harlan slips away into the darkness, which is kinda cheating since I *did* defeat him.

I'm a little puzzled as to why the police didn't attack Shade's Goons, who are clearly villains; unless there is some sort of working understanding between these two factions.

I also got the "You've been played!" clue, which has a nice summary of how Harlan has been manipulating things. I am not sure I like this *plot* (the contact betraying the player and basically manipulating everything) but the writing explaining it seems well written.

Debriefing: I was wondering how the story would handle this, as Detective Harlan is STILL the contact. The debriefing is the contact taunting you with a "Catch me if you can" while he runs away. Consider italicizing the text you currently have in [square brackets].

Mission 4
Briefing: I'm chasing Det Harlan and being chased by other cops and Capt O'Connor; I think it's a little cheaty for both Harlan and O'Connor to still be active when I've defeated them both already. This whole briefing is in descriptive form rather than talking with Harlan.

Found Captain O'Connor's body; I thought this meant he was dead, but clicking the body gave me clue "Captain O'Connor's tale", so I assume this implies O'Connor is still alive. I think this clue needs to mention that who attacked him (presumably Harlan). You could also make it more clear that O'Connor is alive, perhaps by making his clicky "Captain O'Connor's unconscious body" ... but the body bag visual still strongly implies he's dead, so it might be better if you made him a hostage that you free, that initially starts in a prone position and runs off once he imparts his clue.

I like the inactive dialog from Harlan, which expositions much about his intentions.

I like how destroying the portal causes the Shade to emerge; I was going to suggest using a smaller map so he wouldn't spawn as far away, but he spawned pretty close by which helped. (I ended up searching most of the map before realizing he actually was in the same room as the portal; my fault.)

I think the Shade was an illusion/broadsword EB, and was initially pretty worried when he started spitting out PA and spectral terrors, but he turned out to be pretty squishy and I had an easier time killing him than I did Harlan. I almost think maybe he should be tougher; maybe change his secondary to some flavor of dark, but I do like the touch of class the sword attacks have.

Debriefing and wrapup was pretty nice, with Captain O'Connor now happy with you (he seems very understanding considering I had to beat him up twice) and arresting Harlan. I thought this was a good conclusion.

Overall
I felt the police were too quick to turn on the hero at the beginning; I think there needs to be more than just finding the hero at the scene of the bank robbery. Perhaps the villain can plant evidence framing the hero, and Captain O'Connor, the "good cop", could have dialog that indicates he is reluctant to arrest the hero due to his/her previous good deeds, but it looks bad and s/he had better come along quietly -- something to show that he recognizes the protagonist isn't a flat out villain.

I also think Detective Harlan's connection to the Shade's villain group was not built up enough; he just suddenly becomes a villain standing next to the Shade's Goons. I suggest you have some foreshadowing or clues that more closely tie them. Perhaps the player can notice that Harlan claimed no police would respond to the bank robbery and police did, or they could discover a ledger in the villain warehouse indicating payments to a dirty cop, something like that. Basically, I think you need to build up the link between Harlan and the Shade; right now they don't seem closely tied, so I didn't fully buy seeing Harlan standing near Shade's Goons.

Despite these issues, I really liked the writing style and the dialog and I thought the final mission wrapped things up pretty neatly. I was waffling between rating this story a high 4 stars or a low 5 stars (4.5 seemed about right) and ended up giving it 5 stars.

I owe a review to:

@Sakura-kishi - The Prisoners from the Land of OZ 49326
@Wrong Number - Death to Disco 84420
@Mr Beatdown - The Oblivion Lens 91897
@jjac - 1 of A Tangle in Time 2622 or Eclipse over Paragon 64609
@Shadow-rush - 2 of The Missing 37636 or Pandas vs Rikti 68930
@parhaius - 2 of Ideality Part1 42436 or Ideality Part2 103737
@Markus V8.0 - Shift Awesome! 97358
@KingSac - The Once and Future King Sac 99394
@jjac - second arc
Leaf Cutter Ant - Yellow Submarine 92780
@Xenite Blackthread - Childhood Horrors 5349
@FemFury - Amazon-Avatars 5909 or Escalation 6143
@Lycanus - 110465, 16376 or 113224
@Aracade - Facing Chaos 105163
GGG247 - 2 of 103955 and 63910

in queue:

WynterPhrost
Baron_Rufus
@Canadian Canuk - 99 bottles of Beer 100616
@OverlordIndigo - A Hero is Made, Not Born 20863
@Steeple - Enter, the Darkened 107230

You can make me owe you a review if you run through and review one of:

Axis and Allies (1379)
Celebrity Kidnapping (1388)
Teen Phalanx Forever! (67335)

@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"

DarthGM · 04-26-2009 06:10 PM

By the way, I changed my handle from Baron_Rufus to DarthGM. So, you now owe DarthGM a reveiw. =]

PoliceWoman · 04-26-2009 09:25 PM

The Prisoners from the Land of Oz review

Concept is to rescue some Oz themed characters from L Frank Baum's books. Level range seems to be around level 20 blue side; I don't have a level 20 hero at the moment, so I played a 33 bs/inv scrapper, duoing with a friend's 20arch blaster. During the third mission, a 2-boxer with 2 controllers joined us.

Mission 1
Briefing: Glinda the Good is the contact and she has a pretty well-written briefing asking me to rescue Dorothy and Tiktok, a mechanical man. She thinks Clockwork are like Tiktok, so I need to do a Defeat all clockwork.

Mission title: "Defeat all clockwork" should probably be "Defeat all Clockwork" as Clockwork always seems to be capitalized in the canon material.

It's a defeat all, map is sorta medium sized, so not too bad. Decent clue at the end. Debriefing a little short, but OK. I think this mission needed some more stuff in it other that just killing clockwork, to make it a little more interesting.

Mission 2
Glinda seems to have a magic book where she reads about what happens next; neat idea. (Probably from the original books, but I haven't read those.)

Arachnos defender: "It's Kyrie Eleison , stop her !" (where Kyrie Eleison is my character's name) has an extra space after the name and before the exclamation point.

I'm not sure I understand reason why I was sent on this mission. How does saving this Arachnos base from Clockworks contribute to finding Tiktok the clockwork man? Seems a plot problem.

Arachnobot: "Get these Tinkertoys out of here" need a period at the end of it.

2 controllers (2 boxed by one player) wanted to join my team at this point, so we became a team of 4.

The debriefing seemed too short; "You've done well, but we've got more work to do."

This mission seemed a little out of place, you might consider dropping it to tighten up your plot, or else revising it to make it more seamlessly fit with your plot.

Mission 3
Glinda tells me to go to a cave, but entering the mission, it appears to be an office (at least the front part is). Tiktok is supposed to be in the cave, but I found him in the office part of the map. You can probably straighten this out by either making the whole map a cave, or changing Glinda to say something about an office with a cave under it.

Perfected Oscillator: Protect brother Tiktok [add a period at the end]
Tiktok Clone: When our King begins mass producing Tiktok's thought cogs we will be unstoppable [add a period at the end]
Clockwork King: Kyrie Eleison don't interfere. [should be "Don't interfere, Kyrie Eleison!"]
Clockwork King: Fine I'll tell you what happened to the girl [should be "Fine! I'll tell you what happened to the girl."]

Debriefing still too short.

Mission 4
Briefing: "too late for Dorothy" needs a period after it.

Popup as you enter the mission, "unheigenic" should be "unhygienic"

"Defeat Tessa" is in the mission objectives, but she hasn't been introduced until this mission, so it isn't clear why you need to defeat her. Either give some info about her before you enter the mission, or make "Defeat Tessa" trigger off of getting the contract signed by Tessa.

In the clue with the contract, "succesful" should be "successful".

Debriefing: "Apparantly" should be "Apparently,"
"Vhazilok" should be "Vahzilok"
"Dorthy" should be "Dorothy"

Mission 5
Mission goal: "Defeat Dr. Vahzilock" should be "Defeat Dr. Vahzilok"
"Reaper: Make sure the doctor isn't interupted" should be "interrupted."

When you rescue Dorothy, all she says is "Thank you!" which doesn't seem enough when this whole story arc has been building up to rescuing her. I did see that she gave a clue, but I still think she needs more dialog here.

In Dorothy's clue, "courtses" should be "curtseys". "frighted" should be "frightened"

The boss "Dr. Vahzilock" should be named "Dr. Vahzilok".

His dialog:
"Dr. Vahzilock: Kyrie Eleison is on the way to stop us; I'll due this surgery pro-bono it's too important to medical science. Let's begin"

... last part should be "I'll do this surgery pro bono. It's too important to medical science! Let's begin."

After defeating Dr. Vahzilok, Alexa and the Family suddenly spawned and the objective changed without explanation. I think you might want to add a clue to tell the player that they now need to defeat Alexa too. Though I kinda think it is a little underwhelming to beat Dr. Vahzilok, THEN fight some girl who was trying to pay him to cure her cancer. It makes more sense for Dr. Vahzilok to be the big bad guy, than this Family girl, even with her mob connections.

Debriefing: "grattitude" should be "gratitude"

Overall
I thought the Oz theme was neat, but I think you did not use it enough. I think you could use even more Oz imagery and enemies. Perhaps the sisters hiring Dr Vahzilok could actually be analogs of the Wicked Witch of the East and Wicked Witch of the West? Maybe some flying monkeys? Red caps for munchkins? Maybe you need to steal back the ruby slippers from someone in order to get Dorothy home?

Some of the earlier missions I think needed more stuff to do in them. I did like the subplot of the sisters hiring Dr Vahzilok to use Dorothy for their own nefarious purposes, but think that the mafia sisters aren't dangerous enough to use as the big bad guy of the arc; I think the final boss should either be Dr Vahzilok or perhaps a Wicked Witch.

Some of the things the contact said were great and some were too short and needed more material.

I did like the basic ideas and I wanted to rate this around 3.5, either a high 3 or a low 4. I ended up deciding to err on the side of generosity and I rated it 4 stars.

I owe a review to:

@Wrong Number - Death to Disco 84420
@Mr Beatdown - The Oblivion Lens 91897
@jjac - 1 of A Tangle in Time 2622 or Eclipse over Paragon 64609
@Shadow-rush - 2 of The Missing 37636 or Pandas vs Rikti 68930
@parhaius - 2 of Ideality Part1 42436 or Ideality Part2 103737
@Markus V8.0 - Shift Awesome! 97358
@KingSac - The Once and Future King Sac 99394
@jjac - second arc
Leaf Cutter Ant - Yellow Submarine 92780
@Xenite Blackthread - Childhood Horrors 5349
@FemFury - Amazon-Avatars 5909 or Escalation 6143
@Lycanus - 110465, 16376 or 113224
@Aracade - Facing Chaos 105163
GGG247 - 2 of 103955 and 63910
DarthGM - one of 59608 Little Boy Legacy or 103694 Torchbearer

in queue:

WynterPhrost
@Canadian Canuk - 99 bottles of Beer 100616
@OverlordIndigo - A Hero is Made, Not Born 20863
@Steeple - Enter, the Darkened 107230

You can make me owe you a review if you run through and review one of:

Axis and Allies (1379)
Celebrity Kidnapping (1388)
Teen Phalanx Forever! (67335)

@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"

Sakura_Kishi · 04-26-2009 10:29 PM

Thank you so much for the detailed review. I will fix up all the typos. I'm actually working on a novel right now (a semi-wickedish take on the character of Ozma of Oz just dumping ideas that come to me that wouldn't work in the book into the game so they don't get wasted.) So feedback on any works especially Oz works is appretiated.

[ QUOTE ]
The Prisoners from the Land of Oz review

Briefing: Glinda the Good is the contact and she has a pretty well-written briefing asking me to rescue Dorothy and Tiktok, a mechanical man. She thinks Clockwork are like Tiktok, so I need to do a Defeat all clockwork.

Mission title: "Defeat all clockwork" should probably be "Defeat all Clockwork" as Clockwork always seems to be capitalized in the canon material.

It's a defeat all, map is sorta medium sized, so not too bad. Decent clue at the end. Debriefing a little short, but OK. I think this mission needed some more stuff in it other that just killing clockwork, to make it a little more interesting.

[/ QUOTE ]

Thanks for the idea... I might add to it. I'm working on a second arc that's totally Oz based, so I might do a little bit to tie them together.

[ QUOTE ]

Mission 2
Glinda seems to have a magic book where she reads about what happens next; neat idea. (Probably from the original books, but I haven't read those.)

Arachnos defender: "It's Kyrie Eleison , stop her !" (where Kyrie Eleison is my character's name) has an extra space after the name and before the exclamation point.

I'm not sure I understand reason why I was sent on this mission. How does saving this Arachnos base from Clockworks contribute to finding Tiktok the clockwork man? Seems a plot problem.

[/ QUOTE ]

Actually I thought that was explained. Basically there is an outside force that's masking Dorothy and Tiktok from Glinda's magic book (and yes it is from the novels, and any time a missing person story is done it has to be neutralized somehow). So Glinda couldn't simply look up Tiktok and say, "oh hey he's here." But what she could do is agrivate the Clockwork King hoping he would do something significant, that would relate to Tiktok. The first time wasn't enough to give the full details, so the raid had to be stoped too.

I guess I'll work on the return dialog or the previous mission, to try and explain that a bit better.

[ QUOTE ]

Mission 3
Glinda tells me to go to a cave, but entering the mission, it appears to be an office (at least the front part is). Tiktok is supposed to be in the cave, but I found him in the office part of the map. You can probably straighten this out by either making the whole map a cave, or changing Glinda to say something about an office with a cave under it.

[/ QUOTE ]

umm she does say a cave under the Franklin building (my homage to L Frank Baum for the arc), and he's always spawned in the tunnels for me... weird.

Also I wasn't sure how puncutation would effect chat variables so I gave it an extra space. I'll fix that.

[ QUOTE ]

Debriefing still too short.

[/ QUOTE ]

Okay, noted.

[ QUOTE ]

"Defeat Tessa" is in the mission objectives, but she hasn't been introduced until this mission, so it isn't clear why you need to defeat her. Either give some info about her before you enter the mission, or make "Defeat Tessa" trigger off of getting the contract signed by Tessa.

[/ QUOTE ]

That is a good point; I wanted to make the contract serve to add a bit of extra flavour, and be optional. But I might make it a requirement.

[ QUOTE ]

When you rescue Dorothy, all she says is "Thank you!" which doesn't seem enough when this whole story arc has been building up to rescuing her. I did see that she gave a clue, but I still think she needs more dialog here.

[/ QUOTE ]

Good point. I'll expand on that.
[ QUOTE ]

After defeating Dr. Vahzilok, Alexa and the Family suddenly spawned and the objective changed without explanation. I think you might want to add a clue to tell the player that they now need to defeat Alexa too. Though I kinda think it is a little underwhelming to beat Dr. Vahzilok, THEN fight some girl who was trying to pay him to cure her cancer. It makes more sense for Dr. Vahzilok to be the big bad guy, than this Family girl, even with her mob connections.

[/ QUOTE ]

Well she was supposed to be his back up (she actually spawns at 50 percent health) but she doesn't often spawn close enough.

[ QUOTE ]

Overall
I thought the Oz theme was neat, but I think you did not use it enough. I think you could use even more Oz imagery and enemies. Perhaps the sisters hiring Dr Vahzilok could actually be analogs of the Wicked Witch of the East and Wicked Witch of the West? Maybe some flying monkeys? Red caps for munchkins? Maybe you need to steal back the ruby slippers from someone in order to get Dorothy home?

Some of the earlier missions I think needed more stuff to do in them. I did like the subplot of the sisters hiring Dr Vahzilok to use Dorothy for their own nefarious purposes, but think that the mafia sisters aren't dangerous enough to use as the big bad guy of the arc; I think the final boss should either be Dr Vahzilok or perhaps a Wicked Witch.

[/ QUOTE ]

Wicked witches are out, I've played through about 7 Oz arcs (like I said I'm writing a novel, and am looking for inspiration in a rather safe forum) and almost all of them are "The Witch of the West returns, trusses up the 4 classic friends... go save them" or sometimes the 3 friends from Oz go bad, or loose their heart, courage and brains. The Witches were never a major factor in the books, the Nome King was more of recurring and deadly enemy.

The point of the sisters was too add some moral ambiguity, and take away from the cliche' evil of Dr. V. Is it fair that Dorothy gets to live forever when this other girl will die?

Just like I tried to add some ambiguity with the Clockwork portion... Tiktok refers to himself as Dorothy's slave (both in the novels and here in the arc) so the Clockwork king sees himself as a liberator.

But I might add to it. Like I said a sequal arc is in the works; I just figured out who was blocking Glinda's magic so I might put some hints about that in.

Thanks again for your detailed review, I will tweak my arc shortly.

PoliceWoman · 04-26-2009 10:51 PM

Death to Disco! review

The premise is to stop disco lovers from altering the timeline to cause disco to never die, thus causing rock to fade into oblivion. Fun idea.

The story arc is level 30-54 and labeled as "neutral" morality, so I played Spy Girl (33 MA/ninja stalker), who is kind of a retro looking shades-of-grey villain/antihero.

Mission 1
Briefing: "If his meddling is not corrected Disco will never die" -- add a comma after corrected.

Consider changing "Hall of Rock" to be "Rock and Roll Hall of Fame".

Logical flaw: rock and roll originated before disco, and so having the timeline change in 1977 wouldn't necessarily cause rock and roll to never exist. Though, having disco stay popular COULD relegate rock and roll to only being played on Oldies stations, which might be just as bad.

"then President" should maybe be "then-President".

"re-theme the national anthem to a disco beat" maybe should be "remix the national anthem with a disco beat".

"for that day it appears" - put a comma after day.

Second part of briefing: "For the love of Rock you must succeed!" put a comma after Rock.

Mission objectives include defeating Sauer, but briefing has no mention of Sauer and I have no idea who he is until I actually see him. Could use some foreshadowing of who he is to give the player some reason why he needs to defeat him. Alternatively you can change the mission objective from "Defeat Sauer" to "Defeat brainwasher" maybe, since we DO know someone here intends to brainwash the president.

Sauer's faction is "Crey Scientists" but maybe should be just "Crey". In his description, "unbalenced" should be "unbalanced". I actually doubt Crey Industries existed in 1977 according to the official canon, but that can probably slide for the sake of the story.

Sauer's dialog, "to love DIsco?" ... DIsco should be Disco. Sauer has great dialog otherwise though!

Good choice of face for Jimmy Carter

The guys guarding Jimmy Carter maybe should have some dialog when you attack them. Once I freed Jimmy Carter, he started doing a strange kind of moonwalking animation; not sure if that's under your control though.

Debriefing: The contact says "So Dr. Disco was planning to have the Crey brainwash Carter? Nice save Spy Girl!" ... while this may seem clear from the dialog, I think it would be helpful to give the player a Clue to this effect during the first mission; maybe when you beat up Sauer. Sauer does mention he has instructions to brainwash Carter, but never implicates Dr. Disco in his dialog.

Mission 2
Briefing: OK this mission sounds very silly but also pretty fun. Sounds like a mayhem mission specifically targeting disco paraphernalia.

In the mission: I am quite surprised that this mission is set outdoors and not in the "rave" dance club map. Even an outdoor city map would make more sense, I think. Although after doing some research I have learned that there actually WAS a "Disco Demolition Night" on July 12, 1979. I thought you had made this up! Perhaps put a precise date in your mission briefing and mention the location it was held (Comiskey Park) to add authenticity to the mission.

Good use of disco song lyrics for dialog.

"Go back to New Jersey you loser!" should have a comma after Jersey.

The Diva using sonic attacks and the Kung Fu Fightin guy using martial arts makes sense, but I don't think I understand why the Disco Granny has a bow and the Disco DJ has an assault rifle. I wish there were some way you could make them do dance moves as they attack (like the fighting style of the Disco Boys in Mystery Men), but I don't think this is possible.

I think the rockers should be chanting something like "We will, we will ROCK YOU!" or maybe "I love Rock and Roll! So put another dime in the jukebox baby!" to fight the disco lyrics with rock lyrics.

Dr Disco Fever has a terrific look and background. He's in the "Disco Rules" faction, shouldn't he be the same faction as the other disco people, "Disco Nation"?

"Ah, ah, ah, ah stayin alive, stayin alive..." maybe should be "Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Stayin' alive! Stayin' alive!" (very minor nitpick)

"Not the hair!" should be "Would ya just watch the hair? Ya know, I work on my hair a long time and you hit it. He hits my hair." (from Saturday Night Fever)

"Watch it this is a $150 silk shirt." maybe should be "Watch it! This is a $150 silk shirt!"

Debriefing: "Thanks to your efforts Spy Girl, it looks like everthing is back to normal and we are once again one nation under Rock! Long live ROCK!!!!!" Put a comma after efforts and "everthing" should be "everything".

I kinda think that when you return, the Deity of Rock should start his debriefing with "Weeeee are the Champions, my friend!" and so on. If you can make every line he says a line from rock lyrics, that would be the ideal.

Overall
Fun concept with some fun references, but I think it needed a little more to really grab me. The two missions seemed only peripherally connected to each other by the framing story; I didn't have the sense that anything I did in the first mission directly impacted the second mission. Perhaps it would help if instead of the Deity of Rock telling you Dr Disco Fever's plan for mission 2, you found it out via a clue in mission 1; or perhaps if Jimmy Carter and Dr Sauer showed up in mission 2 with KC and the Sunshine Band forcing them to get down tonight and you rescued them from a fate worse than disco. It's a very short arc and I think maybe you could stand to add a little more stuff to each mission to make them more lively. Maybe throw in some more 1977 era personalities to the first mission that have to be rescued from brainwashing. To the second mission, maybe add a couple patrols each of Disco and Rock people, with additional disco and rock lyrics as lines.

Anyway, it IS a fun idea and as a result I gave it 4 stars.

-----

I owe a review to:

@GlaziusF - recheck 1st arc that wasn't completable earlier
@Mr Beatdown - The Oblivion Lens 91897
@jjac - 1 of A Tangle in Time 2622 or Eclipse over Paragon 64609
@Shadow-rush - 2 of The Missing 37636 or Pandas vs Rikti 68930
@parhaius - 2 of Ideality Part1 42436 or Ideality Part2 103737
@Markus V8.0 - Shift Awesome! 97358
@KingSac - The Once and Future King Sac 99394
@jjac - second arc
Leaf Cutter Ant - Yellow Submarine 92780
@Xenite Blackthread - Childhood Horrors 5349
@FemFury - Amazon-Avatars 5909 or Escalation 6143
@Lycanus - 110465, 16376 or 113224
@Aracade - Facing Chaos 105163
GGG247 - 2 of 103955 and 63910
DarthGM - one of 59608 Little Boy Legacy or 103694 Torchbearer
@GlaziusF - check 3rd arc

in queue:

WynterPhrost
@Canadian Canuk - 99 bottles of Beer 100616
@OverlordIndigo - A Hero is Made, Not Born 20863
@Steeple - Enter, the Darkened 107230

You can make me owe you a review if you run through and review one of:

Axis and Allies (1379)
Celebrity Kidnapping (1388)
Teen Phalanx Forever! (67335)

@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"

Wrong_Number · 04-27-2009 04:47 AM

PW,

Thanks much for the review. You have caught a few minor grammer things 170 other people did not.

[ QUOTE ]
Death to Disco! review

Consider changing "Hall of Rock" to be "Rock and Roll Hall of Fame".

[/ QUOTE ]
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is a real place and as far as I know the Deity of Rock does not live there.

[ QUOTE ]

Logical flaw: rock and roll originated before disco, and so having the timeline change in 1977 wouldn't necessarily cause rock and roll to never exist. Though, having disco stay popular COULD relegate rock and roll to only being played on Oldies stations, which might be just as bad.

[/ QUOTE ]
I really don't see how this is a logic flaw in any way. I think most would consider Disco long dead, but you can still find it and satellite even has a channel for it. "Dead" does not mean cease to exist" in music and I feel you are being too literal.

[ QUOTE ]

In the mission: I am quite surprised that this mission is set outdoors and not in the "rave" dance club map. Even an outdoor city map would make more sense, I think. Although after doing some research I have learned that there actually WAS a "Disco Demolition Night" on July 12, 1979. I thought you had made this up! Perhaps put a precise date in your mission briefing and mention the location it was held (Comiskey Park) to add authenticity to the mission.

[/ QUOTE ]

I did a lot research and am old enough the remember the entire rise and fall of Disco, the Disco Demolition and to have actually gone to a real disco back in the day. Comiskey Park is an outdoor stadium and within the limits of the maps available I felt the one I chose was the best by far. Would I like an actual stadium map, sure, not available.

[ QUOTE ]

Overall
Fun concept with some fun references, but I think it needed a little more to really grab me. The two missions seemed only peripherally connected to each other by the framing story; I didn't have the sense that anything I did in the first mission directly impacted the second mission.

[/ QUOTE ]

The failure of the first mission clearly made the second mission happen. The mission two briefing tells you clearly that you stopped Disco's plan to brainwash Carter back in 1977. As a result of this Fever came up with a "plan B" which was mission two that takes place in 1979 (giving him the two years to build his Disco Nation".

[ QUOTE ]

It's a very short arc and I think maybe you could stand to add a little more stuff to each mission to make them more lively. Maybe throw in some more 1977 era personalities to the first mission that have to be rescued from brainwashing. To the second mission, maybe add a couple patrols each of Disco and Rock people, with additional disco and rock lyrics as lines.

Anyway, it IS a fun idea and as a result I gave it 4 stars.

[/ QUOTE ]

On one hand it is nice that you enjoyed it enough to want more, but annoying because the AE system gives you limited space which I have to work within. The arc is around 95% full so adding much more than a few lines here and there is impossible. Additionally, I wanted to keep it short. Though the Dev's only seem to love epic's, in my experience players like the one and two missions arcs so that was what I did.

Again, thanks for the review and I will be adding the minor grammar things you pointed out plus I plan on incorporating a few of your suggestions into it.

WN

Check out one of my most recent arcs:
457506 - A Very Special Episode - An abandoned TV, a missing kid's TV show host and more
416951 - The Ms. Manners Task Force - More wacky villains, Wannabes. things in poor taste
or one of my other arcs including two 2010 Player's Choice Winners and an2009 Official AE Awards Nominee for Best Original Story

PoliceWoman · 04-27-2009 06:05 AM

[ QUOTE ]

[ QUOTE ]
Consider changing "Hall of Rock" to be "Rock and Roll Hall of Fame".

[/ QUOTE ]
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is a real place and as far as I know the Deity of Rock does not live there.

[/ QUOTE ]

I was just thinking "Rock and Roll Hall of Fame" sounds more like a real place. Perhaps "Rock of Ages"? No problem if you prefer "Hall of Rock" though.

[ QUOTE ]

[ QUOTE ]

In the mission: I am quite surprised that this mission is set outdoors and not in the "rave" dance club map. Even an outdoor city map would make more sense, I think. Although after doing some research I have learned that there actually WAS a "Disco Demolition Night" on July 12, 1979. I thought you had made this up! Perhaps put a precise date in your mission briefing and mention the location it was held (Comiskey Park) to add authenticity to the mission.

[/ QUOTE ]

I did a lot research and am old enough the remember the entire rise and fall of Disco, the Disco Demolition and to have actually gone to a real disco back in the day. Comiskey Park is an outdoor stadium and within the limits of the maps available I felt the one I chose was the best by far. Would I like an actual stadium map, sure, not available.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is admittedly my fault due to the stream-of-consciousness way I was writing this review. When I started writing this paragraph, I didn't know "Disco Demolition" was a real thing, and I thought it would make more sense that disco and rock would fight it out on the dance floor. By the end of the paragraph I had discovered on Wikipedia that it was a real event that you were referring to. Mission Architect, fun AND educational! So, yes, using an outdoor map made perfect sense in that context.

Based on the real event, I think you could include baseball players wondering what the heck is going on and riot police who show up to try and break things up. Though this all takes extra space, of course.

[ QUOTE ]
The failure of the first mission clearly made the second mission happen. The mission two briefing tells you clearly that you stopped Disco's plan to brainwash Carter back in 1977. As a result of this Fever came up with a "plan B" which was mission two that takes place in 1979 (giving him the two years to build his Disco Nation".

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm afraid I didn't think this connection was very strong; there is no foreshadowing of the second mission, no clues that lead to the second mission. Ultimately, you are only doing it because the contact tells you about it in exposition. I think that even a single clue in the first mission of what Dr Disco Fever's "Plan B" is, would help address this.

[ QUOTE ]
On one hand it is nice that you enjoyed it enough to want more, but annoying because the AE system gives you limited space which I have to work within. The arc is around 95% full so adding much more than a few lines here and there is impossible. Additionally, I wanted to keep it short. Though the Dev's only seem to love epic's, in my experience players like the one and two missions arcs so that was what I did.

[/ QUOTE ]

Keeping it short is cool; I just felt like there could be more within each mission. The space limitation IS fairly constraining, admittedly. The only suggestion I can offer for that is to consider cutting one of the custom characters that is least required for the plot; custom characters are the major resource hogs, I've found. Or relying on "standard" characters for extra hostages or persons (for example using generic extra hostages for other 1977 people or standard PPD/RIP for riot cops) would be low profile as additions go.

What you want to do is all ultimately up to you, of course, so don't feel like you have to. These are just my suggestions.

@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"