((Canine is teenager in the care of Maggie's Rock, a home and school for Paragon City's youth in need. He comes from Etoile, and learned martial arts in a bloodsport style program called the Dog Pit which pitted children as young as three years of age against each other in first-blood -- and sometimes to the death -- competitions. Since coming to America, Canine wonders if his skills are diminishing. He has looked into entering a sanctioned blood-sport league, and that is where his situation stands as this story begins.))
"You wished to see me, sir?
The question was rhetorical. Canine knew Nick Kinsolving had sent for him, and he was pretty certain as to why. He just couldnt figure out why the meeting was happening in the advanced adult training center. The headmaster was wearing white sweat pants and no shirt or shoes, with a sword slung across his back. His stomach was hard, cut from marble, with evidence of years of battles.
Come in, Lee, Mr. Kinsolving addressed him by his given name. I hope you dont mind if I work out while we talk.
Canine shook his head in acquiescence. No, not at all.
Mr. Kinsolving smiled then curtly turned, drew a large katana from the scabbard on his back and began a slow, precise series of movements, a dance with the long, deadly blade as his partner.
We took you in conditionally, Lee.
Lee listened and watched the sword weave invisible drawings in the air.
We understood your condition multiple personality disorder and accordingly placed you under psychiatric care.
The blade glinted in a sunbeam that shone through the window and kissed it.
Other than that, we have treated you like any other minor in our care.
Mr. Kinsolving, stood on one foot, crouched low and swept the blade in a wide leisurely arc, then returned upright, still on one leg, and painted a clockwise circle in front of him.
You cannot leave and enter the International Blood Sport League in order to hone your skills. I forbid it. Maggie forbids it.
With impossible control, Mr. Kinsolving leaned backward, bending his knees and lowering his body limbo-style with the katana pointed down the length of his body, parallel to the floor. He slowly brought it up to the perpendicular, then extended his arms, the sword-tip rising and Mr. Kinsolving following it as if the sword was pulling him up behind it.
How did --? Canine began.
We have increased security in light of recent events. Sorry to say this, but some of our more
troubled students
will find themselves under slightly tighter observation.
Mr. Kinsolving continued his dance, bowing low and beginning a series of high windmill leaps with that same measured movement that made him appear to be going in slow-motion.
Ive killed men in their sleep, Lee. Ive killed men face-to-face who should have killed me. Ive killed men individually. Ive killed swarms of men
The windmill leaps continued, gaining speed and momentum as they carried Mr. Kinsolving around the room, his voice rising and falling as he moved, but every word perfectly clear.
Im not happy about it. But such was my past. I will probably kill again. Such is my life.
Before Canine knew what was happening, the leaps ended and Mr. Kinsolving was standing directly in front of him, the tip of the katana against Canines neck at the endpoint of a potentially lethal strike. He felt a warm trickle run down his neck.
Lee Vachs Canine. Ill be assisting you in your training. If you want blood, you'll have it.
The door was locked and if anyone knocked on it, Smith wouldnt answer.
It suited him to be alone right now. If the world were going to abandon him, then he would abandon it first. That was the lesson of the past several days.
The room seemed cold and he wondered if the house was behind that an attempt to force him out of his solitude. It wouldnt work. Besides, the chill fit his mood.
He wanted to tell her. He wanted to tell Jessie all about finding his parents only to watch them leave him. He wanted her to hold him and tell him that he wasnt alone, that he still had her.
Weak.
Better to keep a stiff upper lip. To maintain. To be strong, and if you cant be strong, at least dont be vulnerable.
Stiff upper lip? He almost laughed at himself for that one. His lower lip was split, sewn together with surgical thread, from that parting shot from Ares.
God, Jessie how could you?
But it was probably better not to think about her. Doing so would make him emotional and he didnt need to be emotional. He didnt need to broadcast anything that the many empaths around the school could catch. Especially Jessie.
The exhaustion of the week set in, but still he couldnt sleep.
No past. No present. What kind of future could he possibly have?
Etoile. The thought intrigued him. Go back to his roots, so to speak. No one would really miss him, except maybe Ben and Cassi.
Apparently Jessie wouldnt.
And he was thinking of her again. Why? What had happened? Four weeks without seeing each other and now everything was shot to hell!
Suicide crossed his mind. He could slash his wrists!
Oh! That would be classic! Mr. Kirby or Jericho Stone would come crashing in his door and Jessie would come in and take his pain for her own and hed feel guilty for hurting her again on top of everything else.
A thought occurred to him and Smith looked to the small table beside his bed. The drinking glass was gone. His ink pen was gone. He was sure if he looked, his utility belt with its various sharp utensils was also gone.
Fine, house, you win, he said quietly, But Ill need my needles and meds back in an hour, you bloody bully.
The door was locked and if anyone knocked on it, Smith wouldnt answer.
No one knocked.
Concentrate!
Lee jerked when he should have floated. The clumsy movement killed his upward momentum and his feet barely left the floor. The chain caught his leg and sent him tumbling ungracefully onto the mat.
Sensei Kinsolving looked down at him with the usual stern expression.
Where is your chi now, Canine?
Sensei Kinsolving usually only called him Canine in derision.
Forgive me, Sensei, Lee said, I am distracted.
Sensei Kinsolving walked to the equipment rack and hung the chain in its place.
Dissociative identity disorder, he said.
Sir? Lee was confused. Why had Sensei Kinsolving brought up his condition?
Typically, theres a memory loss involved. Yet in your case, the Lee side seems to remember everything the Canine side does, and visa versa.
Sir?
Of course, therapists are loath to admit when theyve been had.
Im not following you, sensei.
Sensei Kinsolving took a white towel from the table beside the equipment rack and tossed it to Lee.
Im saying theres nothing wrong with you psychologically. Sensei Kinsolving took a towel for himself and wiped his brow. Well, thats simplifying things. Im saying you dont have dissociative identity disorder or multiple personality disorder or whatever you wish to call it.
But I do, and Ive made progress
Until you do something stupid or foolish and then its back to Canine, the Awe-inspiring. Its just a cover for being an [censored]. We both know this.
What? Lee stood motionless as Sensei Kinsolving smirked at him.
Whats the matter, son? Cant you handle the truth?
A rage grew within Lee. Like a blind and wounded animal he charged forward knocking Sensei Kinsolving to the mat. At that moment, he wanted to kill him. He sat on Kinsolvings chest and raised his fist to strike.
Sensei Kinsolving flipped Lee over his head, sending him past the edge of the mat and onto the hard floor. Lee landed on his shoulder and he could tell by the shot of pain he felt that it was dislocated. He grimaced for a moment then pushed the pain back down, deep down so that he could not feel it. Then he rolled over sharply so that when his arm hit the hard wood, it was knocked back into place.
I could have done that for you, more cleanly, I might add, Kinsolving said, already standing over him. You likely just inflicted more damage with that little move,
Lee didnt want to hear it. He was angry. Why was Sensei Kinsolving riding him so hard?
You old man! You dont know me! You dont know anything about me!
Sensei Kinsolving offered a hand up. Lee looked at it for a moment, but when Kinsolving jutted it toward him, he decided hed better take it. Sensei Kinsolving pulled Lee up with a strength that was surprising for the teachers size.
Todays lessons: One you lost your temper. Never lose your temper in a fight, it will get you and your companions killed. And two you think your chi is just a device to ignore pain. Youre wrong. Youll never find that inner power until you face your pain all of it.
Lee, still angry, didnt reply.
Youre a decent lad, Lee. If you werent, Stephanie could be in real trouble right now instead of just being mad at you.
Lee wondered who all knew about that.
But youre self-destructive. For some reason, you seem to hate yourself. When you could be building relationships, youre tearing them down. Why?
Sensei Kinsolving didnt wait for an answer.
Figure out what the real pain is youre hiding, son. Figure that out and maybe we can make some progress.
Then Sensei Kinsolving walked toward the door.
Clean this room up, he said. Straighten up the racks. And think about what I said. Ill see you tomorrow, same time.
Lee drove his fist into the rack of practice weapons, sending wooden swords falling to the floor like pickup sticks. Lee grabbed a rag and started wiping down the swords before replacing them on the rack.
Smith and Jessie are no longer a couple. On top of that, Smith discovers his powers feed off of his emotions, and have grown strong enough that they can cause emotional surges, which in turn create power surges. It is a self-feeding cycle.
After trying to simply turn off his emotions (which did not work) Smith has decided he needs power inhibitors...
In a lab near the Kirby Farm, Smith sits in a chair and lets Dr. Werner attach wires to his scalp and sensors to his hands and fingers.
Now, just relax and
well
discuss things, Werner says. I just need some emotional responses in order to calibrate the inhibitor circuit.
Smith had gone to Ms. Love this morning and told her that in order to keep his powers in check, he needed an inhibitor. Ms. Love was busy today and had given Smith a choice of who hed like to accompany him to visit with Dr. Werner. Really, Smith didnt know any of the other faculty and staff very well. Mr. Kinsolving was available, but when Ms. Love brought him up, Smith maintained a cold indifference and she got the message that he might not be a good choice at the moment. So Ms. Love sent Mr. Kirby.
Not a whole lot better as far as Smith is concerned, but still, better.
Whatcha wanna talk about, kid? Kirby says.
Smith shrugs.
Ya know yer grounded, right? This might be th last chance ya git ta see th sunshine fer a while. Dont ya wanna take advannage o gittin out fer a day?
Smith looks out the window. It is pretty down here in the South, he muses. All the trees are bright green and flowers blooming everywhere
Dr. Werner shakes his head.
Look, kid. Gimme some emotin here. If we git done fore Maggie suspects us back, Ill take ya four-wheelin.
Smiths shrugs again. Im trying. I want this very much, but
All right. Lets play some hard ball then. Lessee
somethin ta git a rise outta ya
Hmm
Kirby leans forward and says, What happened ta yer parents, kid? Howd ya wind up a orphan?
Dr. Werner flinches as the ceiling lights flicker.
I
never had parents. Theyre
gone. I never knew them.
Yeah? Thats tough. Might be better off. Some people aint much good fer anything, let alone raisin a kid.
Smith shrugs
Maggie tells me yer a semi-god.
Dr. Werner turns some dials on the calibration equipment.
Demi-god. And I dont know
I guess.
Yeah
A few moments of silence are followed by an impatient gesture from Dr. Werner for them to get talking.
I hear ya can make crayons with yer feelins.
I did. Ive stopped now.
Heh. Seems like a handy thing ta do. Free crayons fer th kids.
Youre mocking me.
Dr. Werner works the dials a little more.
Sorry, kid, Kirby says. But if it wuz workin whyd ya stop? Whyre ya goin this route?
Jenny showed me how ridiculous it was. Besides
I was fading.
Fadin?
Yes.
Kirby shrugs and looks to Dr. Werner.
Got nuff, Doc?
Dr. Werner shakes his head.
Kirby sighs. Smith sighs.
All right. I wuznt gonna bring it up, but
I heard ya broke up with Jessie.
Dr. Werner smiles and starts flipping switches and spinning dials as fast as he can.
Smith shrugs and looks away.
Hate ta hear that. Ya wuz a cute couple o kids.
Smith doesnt respond, but Dr. Werner continues working frantically.
Looks like ya still got feelins fer her.
Smith nods.
Then whyd ya break up with er?
She
broke up with me.
Yeah?
Well
I dont know
we just
Dr. Werner turns off his machines, stands, and says, All right, boys, I have everything I need. Ill put this chip in a fashionable housing and youll be good to go. Just give me about an hour.
Kirby and Smith watch him leave.
Kirby leans forward with his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped together. Smith looks a bit sad, a bit thoughtful.
Ya just
what?
We just
got
separated.
Kirby nods.
Smith sits in the chair and begins removing the wires and sensor from his head and hands.
I dont know how to explain it. It was so perfect
too perfect I guess
When we got back from Florida..
Florida?
I
took Jessie to Florida
Like a class trip?
Like
just the two of us
Kirby takes a deep breath, then nods.
Cant say ya done right there, kid, but I member bein young an in love
Smith sighs. He doesnt really want to talk about this with Mr. Kirby. He barely knows Mr. Kirby, but he needs to talk about it with someone who might understand.
After we came home, I messed up our alibi. Mr. Kinsolving found out and I got grounded and Jessie got sent to Colorado to stay with her sister and her sisters
fiancée.
Mr. Kirby remains silent, but theres sympathy on his face. And concern. And hes listening, so Smith continues
She had
I mean she and Cayts fiancée
they
um
they figured out Jessie had a heart problem and well
Yeah. I heard she came home with a new heart.
Smith nods.
Anyway, we broke up right after that.
Kirby nods.
Ya broke up cause she got sick?
No! We broke up because she
I mean
We broke up because I met a girl at Pocket D and cheated on her.
Ya met a girl at th D?
Smith knew it was a terrible lie the first time hed said it.
Yer grounded, an ya went ta th D?
Smith shrugs.
Kid, swaller yer pride an admit ya broke up cause o no good reason.
Smith looks at him, wishing someone could understand.
Look
sometimes we fall in love an jus when thingsre lookin like theyre gonna work out whammo! Life comes along an smacks th hell outta one r th both o ya.
Maybe he did understand.
Fer instance, take me an Maggie.
For a moment, Smith wonders if hes heard him right.
When I first got ta Paragon, I wuz stuck inna robot body. I wuz strong an indestructible, but I wuz also
well
a robot. An I had one other problem
There wuz this place called Gemini Park. It wuz a gatherin place fer capes. An in that park, there wuz this lady called Ireland Love.
Geez
I can member th first time I seen er
She wuz sittin by herself on this big rock bside th river. Man
she was
beautiful. As perty a sight as I ever seen bfore, with hair that fell in red rings on her shoulders
Kirby sighs and Smith pictures Maggie sitting on a rock by the water, like a mermaid, and understands how it might affect someone Mr. Kirbys age.
Anyway, shes sorta datin Smersh at th time, so I kinda figger me bein a robot wouldnt be no competition fer a flesh an blood fella.
So a few months later I find out her an Smersh is kinda broke up. An havin recently been cured o bein stuck as a robot, I thought it wuz time I made my move.
Smith listens. He doesnt know what point Kirby is getting at, but this story
its going to be awesome to tell later.
So, I tell er outright, Maggie, Im in love with ya. An shes all, Ah Roy did ya know shes th one what named me Roy? Its too soon, I need time. Which, o course I didnt give er.
An then, outta nowhere comes this new guy, Nick Kinsolving
Smith leans forward, his eye wide and questioning.
Yeah. That Nick Kinsolving. He falls fer her too. Me an him nearly came ta blows over it. Maggie wouldnt have none o that. Th both o us fightin over her kinda drover er away from us both. Happens when ya dont give a gal er space.
Smith nods and sighs.
Yknow, at one point I think I had er won. I think she wuz fallin fer me. She even kissed me a good one in the park, right in front o everybody. It wuz
Kirby sighs, looks wistful, then continues --
Seemed like a perfect moment but
Smith muses that there always seems to be a but where love is involved.
This
demon guy, Runo
hell, he says hes in love with er too, an
well
he blows hisself up all over us. Ruined th moment.
Short story long, it never worked out fer me an Maggie. Stuff kept happenin. She got back tgether with Smersh an
well
ya perty much know what happened there.
Smith nods, feeling sorry for Ms. Love. Seems to him as though she hasnt had much luck in relationships either.
But look how it turned out fer me an Nick. Were both married an happy with our families. I hope someday Maggie can find that kinda happiness.
Almost as if on cue, Ms. Love enters the room. Only
shes not quite as slender, and with her hair short and wearing a pair of denim jeans and a plain tee-shirt. Shes carrying a plate full of fried chicken and two colas with moisture condensed on the bottles. Kirby rises to greet her with a kiss.
She says, Ma thought you and Mr. Smith here might be hungry.
Smith was.
Smith, this is Peggy, my wife.
Peggy, Kirbys wife smiles and says, I have some special needs kids coming to ride horses, Ive got to run. Nice meeting you, Mr. Smith.
Peggy Kirby then leaves, and she leaves Kirby smiling broadly.
I know what yer thinkin kid. An yeah, she looks jus like er. Theres a reason fer that an it involves paralateral universes.
Smith nods.
Yeah. Shes perty much Maggie, without th baggage.
Baggage?
Yeah, kid. Baggage. Ever time a woman gits her heart broke, it makes what ya call baggage.
Baggage
Yeah, ya might as well figger yer probly Jessies baggage now
At that very moment, Dr. Werner returns.
I have it here, my boy, and heres how it works. Pay attention, now...
And some part of Smith listens and understands and remembers the instructions, but the deepest part of him can only think of one thing
Baggage.
((Season 3, Episode 7!))
Agent Munin sat on the couch in Hephaestus 1's apartment, right next to Back Yard Boom. They sat next to Mobius Knight and Terra Skye, who sat next to Larry McGonigle and his wife Yolanda, who sat next to Fang and his fiancee Dr. Hansi von Wulfenschtuppen, who sat next to Shava. This wouldn't be out of the ordinary except for one thing: Everyone was dressed nicely in suits and ties or dresses as appropriate.
"Is he done yet?" Agent Munin asked.
"Not yet," Mobius Knight said. "Things like this take time."
Shava turned on the television set and sighed. After half an hour of a baseball game, a charcoal grey-suited Hephaestus 1 finally walked out of the kitchen, shaking hands with a lawyer and exchanging the kind of pleasantries that signified they'd like to kill each other but were polite enough not to say it in front of others.
"Tell Mr. Jenkins that we're very grateful for the use of his box seats," Heph said with the implied threat of violence.
"I'll be sure to tell him," the lawyer said icily.
"You do that," Heph shot back.
The lawyer and the cyborg shook hands with the "test of strength handshake." The lawyer walked away trying to shake the pain in his hand away. Heph closed the door and did an abrupt about-face.
"All right," Heph said, "thanks to the last-minute negotiations I was able to get us all into the box normally reserved for Chris Jenkins' law firm."
"Then let's go, Mick," Agent Munin said.
"We can go on one condition stipulated by the building management. We are not to express our displeasure through the creative use of violence."
"Awww," Hansi, Shava, and Moby said simultaneously. The trio looked at each other nervously, then found other things to do.
"We can go ask for a refund, we can even boo the actors, but we're not going to be able to throw a chair at them," Heph said. "Apparently heroes and villains are both considered a threat after Citadel's outburst at the premiere of 'Starlight Express.'"
Moby nodded. "At least he got the requisite witty banter in with 'Consider yourself The Little Engine That Won't!' before he attacked them."
"It explains why the theater district in Paragon City is also normally empty, too," Munin said.
"Right," Heph said, "And that's why it's up to us to be the goodwill ambassadors to the Dramatic-American population by being on our best behavior at a..."
"Ah, just say it, Mick, it ain't gonna kill ya!" Back Yard Boom yelled.
"A-- A MUSICAL..."
The familiar ominous opening notes from "Phantom of the Opera" played in the background as the lights dimmed.
"And you guys aren't helping any!" Heph shouted.
Heph's cats, Ozzie and Pudge, looked up at the big blue parent from the electronic keyboard and dimmer switch on the table. Pudge raised the lights back to normal.
"Mrowr?"
"Well, let's get this over with," Heph said as he grabbed the keys to his SUV.
An hour later, the group was seated and watching Paragon City's latest foray into the popular arts.
"Pop and lock, Billy! It's your only hope! Pop and lock!" the jiggling blonde said breathlessly as she attempted to run badly in heels and a tight skirt.
"I said I was going to defeat the Vampire Queen of the Mall with something other than breakdancing, Lurleen!" the tuxedo-clad lummox with the overly-Brylcreemed hair said. "This evil can only be defeated through 1920's ballroom dance! HOT CHA!"
Heph, Agent Munin and Mobius Knight looked over at Larry, each with his or her own look of disbelief.
"I think this is a good move by Brick," Larry said. "He's branching out into musical theater and improving his repertoire!"
Agent Munin stared at Larry from behind her dataglasses. "'Vampire Queens of The 80s' isn't exactly a musical, is it?"
That's when "Dueling Keytars" started blaring through the auditorium. The Vampire Queen of the Mall, her crimped hair surrounding her head like a metrosexual lion's mane, appeared at stage right. She was flanked by two men, Paragon Police Detectives Basinns and Croquette.
Moby leaned over to Fang. "They're really worried we're going to do something, huh?"
Fang whispered back "No, they tried out for the parts."
Moby shook his head. He looked at the stage in shock as the Vampire Queen of the Mall began to speak.
"Like, I am totally going to drink your blood an' stuff, Billy Loxodont!"the Vampire Queen of the Mall said in her stilted Valley accent. "I mean, what you, like, did to Vampire Princess Tiffani was way grody. So I'm, like, getting revenge, y'know?"
Brick Landers, in his role as Billy Loxodont, slid to the other side of the stage on the soles of his shoes. "Sorry, Vampire Queen of the Mall, your reign of shopping evil ends tonight!"
Taco's cover of "Puttin' On The Ritz" blared through the sound system as Billy and Lurleen attempted to Charleston their way across the stage.
"I am so glad I can watch tv on my dataglasses," Back Yard Boom whispered. Agent Munin elbowed him in the ribs to keep him quiet.
"If I'm suffering through this, so are you, Tommy," the blonde archer said.
Yolanda McGonigle had been bored into unconsciousness by the musical to the point where not even loud music was waking her. Then again, she wouldn't be able to hear it over her own open-mouth snoring. Heph and Shava took this opportunity to have a contest to see who could flick more Raisinettes into Yolanda's sonorous maw. Shava led 15 to 12. Even Clem and Earl, Heph's faithful recording team, were trying to get away from the intelligence-reducing spectacle on the stage by reading "The
Collected Plays of Henrik Ibsen (the LOLcat edition)."
Another hour later and the musical finally ended. The audience filed out in an orderly and calm manner, and the group of heroes filed out shortly thereafter.
Everyone seemed to enjoy it.
"It was better than 'Catgirls'," a shaven-headed former radio DJ said.
"I feel great affection towards it," said Azuria.
"Hmm. I feel that multiple viewings are in order so as to enhance my enjoyment of the theatrical production," Montague Castanella said over a latte from the concession stand.
Heph nudged Moby. "Mind control?"
Moby nodded. "This is Paragon City and we got done watching the unwatchable. It's gotta be mind control."
"Looks like we've got a mystery on our hands, gang," Heph said. "Something isn't right."
The show faded to credits.
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
Avatar by Scarf_Girl!
((Season 3, Episode 8!))
Back at the Rhode Island District Courts building, the crew of "Serv'd!" were going over their latest escapade.
"... and to think that it was Morgoth Carter-Whatley all along!" Agent Munin said. "I should have picked that up immediately with all of the kitsch that was slathered across that show."
Hephaestus 1 turned from his workstation to his newest partner. "It's okay. I didn't make the connection until Robo-T appeared and used his fool-pitying powers to defeat Brick Landers in a dance-off. It's a shame about Brick, though."
Munin checked the report one more time, reading the description of the injuries done to the low-budget film star. "I don't think he'll ever be able to achieve his dream of 'learning kids to read at books without pictures'. That's how he said it, right?"
Mobius Knight walked into his field agents' office from his brand-new luxuriously-appointed Court Liaison's Office. "That poor excuse for an actor will never darken anyone's tv screens ever again. That's what, six, seven people saved from watching bad movies?" Moby noticed a speck of dust on his immaculate burgundy velvet smoking jacket and matching zouave fez. "Jenkins!" he shouted. "Dust me!"
At once a robot in 18th-century livery appeared and removed the offending particles with a gold-inlaid feather duster. "As-you-wish-milord," the robot dutifully replied.
Heph and Munin looked at each other, then back at Moby.
"What?" Moby asked.
"Look at your outfit, Moby," Heph said.
Moby looked down at his new finery. "I found it in the new office. Apparently they've been hiding this new office until it was done and now I have an office of my own! This is the new uniform required of court liaisons according to the memo. I also have a robot named Jenkins who waits on me hand and foot. That's standard equipment for the new office!"
"The stimulus plan is working for someone, I see," Heph said. The big blue cyborg walked over to the new doorway of the office and looked inside, only to be met by a very snooty robot.
"You-may-not-enter-without-his-lordship's-permission," Jenkins said.
"You're joking," Heph said.
"Robots-do-not-joke," Jenkins replied.
"Even Com-Ed-E, the power cable installation robot from the future?" Munin asked.
"Robots-do-not-joke," Jenkins answered again.
"That'll be enough, Heph," Moby said as he walked back to his office. "Now, I must return to my chambers to confirm that today's legal papers are ready for service. That and to be fed grapes by the new ladies-in-waiting."
Heph's mechanical eyebrow raised in surprise after Moby shut the door. Faint sounds of harpsichord music could be heard emanating from the room. Heph walked back over to Agent Munin.
"Em," Heph said, "Did you just see that?"
"Yeah," the blonde-haired archer replied. "I have difficulty believing it, but this is Paragon City, after all."
"I think this is a bigger mystery than lousy musicals," Heph said.
Heph sat back down in the specially-reinforced chair at his desk and began an important post to a COMMA forum about meetings when the building shook from the impact of something large, heavy, and made with dough.
"Well, that's new," Heph said.
The dough roared out a mighty cry of victory.
Glazey had returned.
Munin looked at Heph. "Barry! It can only be Barry!"
Moby burst through the door in his smoking jacket, his face covered with a mud mask. "BARRY! HE'S RUINING MY RELAXING EXFOLIATION! I'LL KILL HIM FOR HIS INSOUCIANCE!" Moby clapped twice and Jenkins brought a gilded case forth. Jenkins then opened the case to reveal a dueling rapier and main-gauche. Taking the weapons in each hand, Moby charged out of the office and into the hallway shouting "EN GARDE, VARLET! EN GARDE!"
"He's going to kill Barry," Munin said.
"And if we don't hurry, we'll miss it," Heph said. "We'll probably also have to save Barry from... whatever is happening."
"When did Moby switch to a rapier?" Munin asked.
A lone power chord wafted its way down the hall as Fang arrived, clad in his trademark leather biker jacket. His long black hair was tied back and his chin was covered with a long beard that he'd braided in the Viking tradition. Slung on his back was a Flying V guitar. "I'll tell you when he switched. It was long ago, in the last days of the Age of Metal. Mobius Knight has led many lives. Many, many lives," the tiny werewolf growled.
Munin just stared.
Heph looked at the lupine trainwreck. "Fang? When did you go into the detective unit?"
"This is what I have always been underneath the geeky clothing, Mick," Fang said. "I am the last of the Werewolf Servants of The Metal. I EAT PASTE MAN, High Priest of the Temple of Kitsch and I are fated to fight this day. And the world will shake, Mick. The world will SHAKE," he said, with another guitar riff punctuating the drama of the situation.
There was an explosion and some apparent swearing as Mobius Knight was cast down from Glazey's heights and through the office window. For a few moments, Moby just lay there, covered in sugar and glass.
"Owww... owwie ow ow! OW!" was pretty much all Moby said. "Barry's unstoppable for some reason! And who's the blonde chick in the metal bikini up there with him?"
"That's the other reason I have hunted Barry. He stole my Hansi and is making her wear the Princess Leia outfit from the barge scene in the Return of the Jedi. A woman of Metal would never wear such a thing without a proper Frazetta-like sword belt and appropriate chain mail," Fang growled.
Moby sat up, noticing Fang. "Ooh! Mini Rob Zombie is here to save the day! Heph! Look! It's Mini Rob Zombie!"
Heph shook his head. "That's Fang, Servant of The Metal. Our little werewolf cop buddy is a closet metalhead."
"Are you sure? Fang's not normally that... leather-clad."
"I am Fang, Son of Morris and Betty Lubawicz! Servant of The Metal! TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO ROCK!" Fang shouted as he threw the horns. Heph couldn't help but do the same, for such is the Power Of The Metal.
After Moby got up, the four heroes went outside to face Barry's horde of Kitsch-worshippers.
"It is an endless sea of Kitschian scum," Fang growled as he unslung his guitar. "They have tried to stop The Metal from the dawn of mankind, and my people have fought long and hard against them.
A horde of cultists clad in the living skins of Beanie Babies surrounded Glazey, holding aloft the banners that divided the Keroppians from the Holly Hobbiests.
I EAT PASTE MAN cleared his throat, much to the disgust of Hansi. "AHEM! HEY EVERYONE! I AM TOTALLY GONNA BEAT THE METAL ONCE- ONCE AND FOR ALL! BECAUSE I AM WAY ALL-POWERFUL! HA HA HA HA HA!" Rainbows sprouted from flying winged unicorns as they flew past.
"This... Em, Moby, I'm having a problem with this. This is too much even for me!" Heph said as he sat down. "I mean. I've seen weird. We've all seen weird. Em, you were raised around DJ Cozmic, you know from weird! This is just too much," the big blue cyborg said as he curled into a ball.
"No!" Fang shouted. "Heph! Stay with us! The Metal needs you!" Fang played a guitar riff that called lightning from the sky, frying the winged unicorns. "But now... YOU NEED THE METAL!"
With that, the diminutive werewolf leapt into the air towards the top of Glazey. Barry laughed and snorted as he began to chant the Smurfs Marching Song. Tiny blue people attacked Fang as he climbed his way up the giant doughnut. Moby tried to shake Heph back into action. "Heph! Heph! Snap out of it! We need you to use your chainsaw machine gun powers!"
"The horror... the horror..." Heph repeated over and over again.
Fang and Barry clashed, Metal against Nerf in the ultimate battle for the world. Fang raised his mighty guitar and brought it down on Barry's head only to be stopped by a powerful mystic ward.
"HA HA!" Barry said. "MY ULTRA-RARE TALISMAN OF SLOKNAR THE MIGHTY PROTECTS ME FROM YOUR WEAK ATTACKS! NO ONE CAN WITHSTAND ME!"
Heph just rocked back and forth. "Too weird even for me... the horror..."
Munin noticed an odd projection on Heph's back. "What's this?"
"Oh, just some emergency thing Shava built into me when I wasn't looking," Heph said. "She said only to use it in case things get really stupid. I think."
Munin touched the projection, which then expanded into a backpack. Heph stood up, shaking off his horror.
"I forgot the most important thing about situations like this," Heph said. "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro!" The big blue cyborg tapped a panel on his chest, causing the backpack to fold further out into metallic wings. He touched another panel on his chest and a the backpack opened further to reveal a katana of blue-anodized steel and a similar bundle of arrows.
"Be careful, I think those are analogies for man wanting to cut through the weirdness. They're probably really sharp, since they're made from my body and my sarcasm."
Munin took the quiver and checked the arrows. "Wow. These are some vicious-looking broadheads."
Moby took the katana gingerly. "I'm touching bits of you in a swordlike way. This makes me feel uncomfortable." He swung the katana around a few times, noticing that Heph seemed to power up a little further each time.
"This better not be the Katana of Heart or some stupid crap," Moby grumbled.
"Nope. Just the Katana of Awesome," Heph said as he scooped up his two teammates and leapt into the sky to assist Fang. Let's go!"
Winged unicorns fell to the arrows made from Heph's biting commentary as Munin cleared a path to their comrade's desperate battle. Moby swung the Katana of Awesome to deflect the worst attacks that Glazey threw at them.
At last, Heph, Munin and Moby made their way to Barry's perch atop the giant malevolent doughnut. Heph landed and the team spread out to cover their werewolf friend. Heph found another button on one of his forearms.
"Huh, this is new," he said as he pressed the button. Gears whirred and clicked as Heph was suddenly covered in machine guns and menacing chainsaws. "I think I found those machine gun chainsaw powers, Moby!" Heph shouted.
I EAT PASTE MAN looked at the heroes set before him and wiped sweat away from his forehead. "YOU GUYS CAME UP HERE TO LOSE, YOU- YOU KNOW?" He pulled two collectible game cards from a pouch on his belt. "I'M GOING TO SEND THE TOUGHEST MONSTERS AFTER YOU NOW! I SUMMON-"
"Oh, SHUT UP, Barry!" Moby yelled at the large hairy man-child of a villain. "I swear it's like fighting a fat and sweaty Will Farrell when you show up."
"Will Ferrell is a classy actor!" Heph hissed.
"No, no he's not, Mick," Moby said. "He sucks."
"You don't understand his comic stylings!"
"Guys!" Munin said. "Villain!"
"Right," both men said. "Villain!"
"HA! NO ONE CAN DEFEAT THE POWERS OF SLOKNAR THE MIGHTY! THAT- THAT'S WHY I TOOK HIS MAGIC AMULET!" I EAT PASTE MAN shouted.
"Amulet, huh?" all four heroes said.
Heph looked to his teammates. "Time for a Combination Attack!"
Moby looked over at his cyborg partner. "I'm turning into a giant robot, aren't I?"
"No, we just all hit him with our attacks simultaneously to break his barrier," Heph said as his machine gun safeties unlocked and the chainsaws revved up. "Use my Katana of Awesome properly."
"The Katana of Awesome thing still creeps me out."
"Let's go while we're young!" Fang said as his guitar called more lightning from the sky and caused volcanoes to erupt around Glazey. Munin fired off a volley of arrows that struck the barrier, helping channel the lightning into the barrier. Heph fired off a ridiculous amount of machine gun fire into the barrier cracking it even further, and Moby finally shattered it with a truly awesome downward slash.
"We've got him now!" Heph shouted as he and Moby struck simultaneously. They found their attacks stopped by I EAT PASTE MAN'S summoned monsters.
"HA! MY BODYGUARD MONSTERS TOTALLY WORKED!" the flabby master of reality said. "NOW I TOTALLY BEGIN MY REIGN OF TERROR!"
"More like a Reign of Error," Munin said coolly as she fired an arrow into the Amulet of Sloknar The Mighty. The arrow shattered the formerly super-cool amulet, and a ray of light shot into the sky.
"OH BOY," I EAT PASTE MAN said. "NOW- NOW YOU'RE ALL GONNA SEE THE SECRET REASON I DID THIS!" he said sweatily. "THIS IS TOTALLY EMBARRASSING!"
The ray of light shot into the heavens and down from the heavens descended an eagle-winged girl with unkempt brown hair, glasses, a lab coat, and a t-shirt that bore the smiling image of Erik Estrada in a speedo.
Doctor Pantone had arrived.
"Oh, Barry," the mad scientist said. "You tried conquering the world with these little knick-knacks just for me?"
"UH, YEAH," I EAT PASTE MAN said, turning red underneath his beard. "IT'S 'CAUSE I THINK YOU'RE TOTALLY CUTE IN A HOT WAY AND I WANT TO DATE YOU AND SO I DID A BUNCH OF STUFF TO GET YOU TO NOTICE ME AND- AND- AND I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY OTHER THAN... NICE STUFF ABOUT YOU..." he said, trailing off.
Doctor Pantone cleaned her glasses off with a clean spot on her rumpled lab coat. "Oh, that's so sweet! You want to come over and have a war between GI Joe and My Little Pony?"
"WOULD I? I'LL BRING OVER MY ENTIRE COLLECTION OF BATTLE BEASTS, TOO!" I EAT PASTE MAN said joyfully.
"Water puts out fire!" Doctor Pantone said.
Suddenly the last notes of "Dueling Keytars" played and the entire cast of "Vampire Queens of the 80s" took a bow on the stage. Heph, Moby, Terra, Munin, Fang, Hansi, Shava, Back Yard Boom, Larry and Yolanda McGonigle were all sitting in their chairs at the theater, looking dumbfounded.
"Guys... what just happened?" Larry asked.
Yolanda horked out a Raisinette. "Bleah! I hate these things!"
"If I had to hazard a guess," Munin said, "I... I think we all created a shared hallucinatory reality in order to escape the incredibly bad acting and singing of the musical."
"I touched Heph's Katana of Awesome," Moby said dejectedly.
"It could have been worse," Heph said. "It could have been my Two-Handed Sword of Love +5."
The look of horror on Moby's face as he contemplated that ended the show, fading to credits.
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
Avatar by Scarf_Girl!
((Bwahahaha! 
))
What heor said.
* infinity!
That was just friggin awesome! And no, I don't want the katana ;P
Well, you're certainly not getting the Two-Handed Sword of Love +5.
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
Avatar by Scarf_Girl!
[ QUOTE ]
Well, you're certainly not getting the Two-Handed Sword of Love +5.
[/ QUOTE ]
(Ewwww. 
)
@Nameless Hero, Insane Sword-wielding Video Game Hero - Also a character in CoH
Yukie Bikouchi, Halfway Lost, and others
((A bump for this thread, just in case. ))
((And another bump. ))
((Meh, I've never done any in-depth IC stuff with Capt. Stormrider. I've very rarely acctually RPed him, in fact...Just never found a good opportunity. So here's my attempt at writing about him and a few of his shipmates aboard the Twilight Lance. TRIVIA! Stormrider and Dollmaster are my characters, and Twilight Rania is an IRL friend's. We run a two-man VG called Silver Eclipse, and the Lance is our base.))
Stormrider cursed profusely as he was thrown out of his bunk, hitting the steel flooring with a loud thud. He groaned as he slowly made his way to his feet, feeling arouund in the dark cabin for anything to support himself. After a few moments, the turbulence passed and his eyes adjusted to the dim surroundings. Still muttering obcenities, he stumbled to the comm panel mounted on one wall, opening a channel to the bridge.
"Oi, Rania! Ya wanna tell me what in the hell yer doin' t' my ship!?"
The female voice that replied was as unwavering and stern as always. "Our ship, Stormrider. Not yours."
"Whatever. What's goin' on up there? Chasers? Rikti?"
"Not that exciting, I'm afraid." Rania replied. "We just lost generator three. I'm diverting power, but we need a patch-up ASAP."
Stormrider grumbled. Naturally, this meant he had to fix it. The former pirate captain was once renowned and feared throughout half the galaxy, and now he had to play mechanic. Unfortunately, he was the one who had designed most of the Twilight Lance in the first place, and therefore he knew the airship better than anyone else. He retrieved his mask from beside the bunk and held it against his face. The device let out a whir and hiss as it clamped itself on him, concealing his closely-guarded identity. Not that it really mattered...Noone on this planet would recognize him. More specifically, nobody in this millenia.
-----------------
It didn't take a genius to know the source of the failure. As Stormrider entered the engine room, he spotted the familiar form of a young girl perched upon the generator in question. He sighed and pointed a finger towards her, taking aim for a moment before firing off a small arc of electricity into the side of her head. The girl let out a shriek and toppled off the generator, hitting the grated floor with a metallic clang. "Gorram robot...Can't trust you with a damned thing."
The girl was no ordinary child, as was evident by her quick recovery and the patches of metal on her body. "Meanie! I'm just trying to help, Stormie, you don't have to shoot me!"
"Ah, can it ya ol' geezer. Ya can't fool me." Stormrider ignored the android's pouting as he began examining the faulty generator. When the girl spoke again, her voice made an eerie shift into that of an elderly man. "You'd best learn to play nicely, or I'll send some of my lovely toys to punish you..."
"And you'd best learn to stop screwin' around with my ship, Dollmaster, or I'll fry yer lil' avatar's circuits." Stormrider shot back, his voice echoing as his entire upper torso was crammed into the generator's cramped workspace. He looked in absolute horror at what the psychotic inventor had done to the machine. "What in the name of mother's love did you do!?"
"Your design is flawed, I know it is!" Dollmaster shouted in defense, now speaking in an utterly bizzare mixture of the two voices. "I've spent months studying it, and it defies every law of physics! I'm just trying to make sense of this ridiculous contraption!"
"Only the ones y'all know about." Stormrider forcibly ripped a few parts out of the generator, tossing them over his shoulder. "Yer forgettin' which one o' us is from the future."
No matter how many times he said it, Stormrider never got used to those words. He would never forget the day he had arrived in the Rogue Isles, crashing in an escape pod and being taken captive by Arachnos. He still found it hard to believe that Earth not only existed, but that he was acctually on it. He still wasn't sure how far back in time he was, in his era history was only accurate up to about 4000 years, and anything before that was just legends and myths. But nearly a year of living here had forced him to accept the fact he had somehow been hurled into anchient times.
Stormrider finished up the repairs and pulled himself out of the crawlspace. As a finishing touch, he gripped one of the primary cables and began crackling with energy. Raw electricity poured from him into the machine, providing enough power to jump start it. As it hummed to life, he slammed the panel shut and turned to look down on Dollmaster, who met his stare with deceptively innocent eyes.
"Just wait. One o' these days I'm gonna figure out where you're hidin', old man. See how cocky y'all are when ya see me face-to-face."
"Psh...The Hero Corps has been trying for years! What makes you think a wash-out pirate could do any better?"
Resisting the urge to short circuit the obnoxious robotic avatar, Stormrider growled under his breath as he left the engine room.
-----------------
"Dollmaster was experimenting again...I see."
Rania sat calmly at the helm of the Lance as she listened to Stormrider's report. If he didn't know any better, he would have sworn there was a hint of sympathy in her voice. While dealing with their comrade was far less threatening than being discovered by Longbow, at least the latter came with a bit of enjoyment.
"I don't see why we gotta keep him...her...it aroun' anyways. Brings nothin' but trouble."
"Because he has an arsenal of combat drones at his beck and call, and designs superweapons for free."
"Point taken."
Unlike the Dollmaster, Stormrider had little problem dealing with his partner, "Twilight" Rania. She was, in fact, the closest thing he had to a true friend in the Isles. Their paths had crossed by chance, her an assassin chasing her prey, and he looking to relieve said prey of his riches. After a brief battle of misunderstanding, they formed a partnership that had proven to become a force to be reckoned with. She was the only person to have seen his face and know his real name, and he had been the only person to see her own closely-guarded emotional side. But at the end of the day, it was all business...And oddly enough, that was enough for him.
"One of our contacts called in." Rania seemed to read his thoughts as she brought up the subject. "We've got a job lined up."
"Jus' when I wanted t' blow somethin' up. So what's the story?"
"Search and rescue. Seems a number of women went missing in St. Martial."
Stormrider raised a hand in rejection. "Not happenin'. II ain't savin' no damsels in distress. No profit t' be had in it."
Rania paused a moment, a slight smirk coming to her lips. "They're prostitutes."
Without a second of heisitation, Stormrider replied flaty. "I'm in."
The off-beat space pirate...Capt. Stormrider (50+3 Elec/Storm Science Corruptor)
The mysterious Djinn...Emerald Dervish (50+1 DB/DA Magic Stalker)
The psychotic inventor...Dollmaster (50 Bot/FF Tech Mastermind)
Virtue Forever.
On the next "Serv'd!"
Ilse von Wulfenschtuppen sat in Heph and Agent Munin's office, where the valkyrie-like blonde dabbed her eyes with a handkerchief.
"I can't find him anywhere, you two! The one time we both get to schedule some vacation at the same time, and this happens!" Ilse sobbed.
"Ilse, Fang is a good friend of ours, too. We'll find him for you," Agent Munin said. "Besides, he always brings doughnuts."
Heph nodded. "You said that this had something to do with his lycanthropy?"
Ilse nodded. "Normally, he's your run-of-the-mill werewolf cursed by some ancient spellcaster to be short and excessively geeky. But on the three nights of the full moon..."
"Yes?" Heph asked.
Ilse leaned over to Munin and whispered in her ear. Munin's eyes widened and her face turned bright red. Then her jaw dropped and her face turned even redder.
"That's a CURSE?" Munin sputtered.
"For only three nights a month? It definitely is!" Ilse said.
Heph sipped at a cup of coffee. "I shall pretend that none of this has anything to do with Fang, sex, or anything non-crimefighting related."
What's happening to Fang? Where is he? Will Hephaestus 1 and company find their diminuitive friend before it's too late? And if he doesn't come back, can we have Ilse's number? I mean RAWR, people! Seriously!
All that and more on the next... "SERV'D!"
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
Avatar by Scarf_Girl!
((Season 3, Episode 9))
The opening theme to "Serv'd!" played as a new montage of footage appeared. Notably absent was Hephaestus 1's long-time teammate, Mobius Knight. The scene faded in to the team's office where Hephaestus 1, Larry McGonigle and Agent Munin were clearing out a lot of paperwork.
"Are you going to be okay, Mick?" Larry asked the big blue cyborg.
"I will be," Heph said as he cleaned out Mobius Knight's desk. "Moby's going through some serious problems at the moment, so he's resigned from the job and the show. I'm more than a bit miffed at the way it happened, but what's in the past is in the past. Maybe if things change he can come back, but there's no guarantees. I'll still stick by him, though. A friend's a friend. So, I'll be doing the paperwork for the time being. Ugh. Paperwork sucks."
Larry shook his head. "I have some cheat sheets you can use. Hey, this desk is an Executive Deluxe! Why couldn't I have this when I was here?"
Agent Munin was collecting the few pictures left on the desk. "Yeah, I think the circuit court went crazy with their stimulus money this year." She pulled at one of the photos on the desk. "Heph, why did Shava superglue a framed photo of Burger King onto this desk?"
"Tradition," Heph said. "She did that to his old desk. Man, that photo creeps me out. The eyes follow you all around the room."
There was a knock at the door as the Cobalt Claymore popped his hooded head into the office. "Hey, Heph. You said you needed some help putting some stuff in the SUV?"
"Yeah," Heph said with a hint of sorrow.
"Right," the Cobalt Claymore said. "I'll go get some... help. Or something." With that, the blue-cowled hero disappeared.
"Typical CC, leaves at the first sign of manual labor," Munin said.
"What do you expect? He's got to maintain the air of mystery. He's always been this way."
A short man with a crew cut and glasses appeared a few minutes later. He was wearing your typical office drone gear of dress khakis, a button-down oxford shirt in french blue and tie.
"I was told to report here," the short man said.
"Uh, yeah," Heph said.
"To take care of some paperwork and such. That's my job. Paperwork."
"Riiight," Heph said as he walked over. "Hey, CC," he whispered, "No need to go through the whole mild-mannered office worker stuff. And don't slouch to look shorter, either."
"Who's CC?" the short man said. "And I'm not slouching."
Heph nodded. "Riiiight. Okay, Mister-Not-The-Cobalt-Claymore, we need you to help us with transporting these boxes first."
"Okay," the office worker said. "I'll have to hurry on the forms once we're done moving this stuff out, though. Will that be okay?"
"Yeah, the forms," Heph said. "Can't forget those."
"Without properly-filled forms and reports, this place would crash down around our heads. It'd subvert the cause of justice."
Agent Munin just rolled her eyes. "The things people will do to disguise themselves."
"Disguise?" the office worker asked.
"Never mind," Munin said.
Shortly after the last box of office stuff had been delivered, the "Serv'd!" crew returned to the office. The Cobalt Claymore stood outside their office once more. Well, he more lurked than actually just standing there, but it's tough to lurk in a well-lit hallway.
"You... have a guest," the young swordsman said.
"Did you finish up all the paperwork while we were gone?" Heph asked.
"Paperwork? What paperwork? I ducked out because I didn't have any decent regular attire to wear. I didn't want to get my cowl and cape all dusty from moving boxes."
"Yeah, but you finished the paperwork, though, right?" Heph asked again.
"No, I don't know what you're talking about. Besides, I think you've got a case," the Cobalt Claymore said.
The team entered the room and Heph waved. "Ilse! What brings you here?"
"My cuddly little love wolfums is missing!"
Ilse von Wulfenschtuppen sat in Heph and Agent Munin's office, where the valkyrie-like blonde dabbed her eyes with a handkerchief.
"I can't find him anywhere, you two! The one time we both get to schedule some vacation at the same time, and this happens!" Ilse sobbed.
"Ilse, Fang is a good friend of ours, too. We'll find him for you," Agent Munin said. "Besides, he always brings doughnuts."
Heph nodded. "You said that this had something to do with his lycanthropy?"
Ilse nodded. "Normally, he's your run-of-the-mill werewolf cursed by some ancient spellcaster to be short and excessively geeky. But on the three nights of the full moon..."
"Yes?" Heph asked.
Ilse leaned over to Munin and whispered in her ear. Munin's eyes widened and her face turned bright red. Then her jaw dropped and her face turned even redder.
"That's a CURSE?" Munin sputtered.
"For only three nights a month? It definitely is!" Ilse said.
Heph sipped at a cup of coffee. "I shall pretend that none of this has anything to do with Fang, sex, or anything non-crimefighting related."
"Well, Ilse said, there's a problem. I love my Fang the way he is... short, fuzzy, and unbearably cute in his uniform. But now, thanks to reading that cursed manga-"
"Wait. Cursed manga?" Munin asked.
"Yes, he loves the series "Hai! Frilly Girly Happenstance" very much. Well, apparently the girl who sold the latest volume of the manga to him at the comic shop told him that the book was cursed. He laughed it off and read it. Then... he changed!" Ilse said, breaking into tears.
"Changed? Into what?" Heph asked.
"Now instead of being short, fuzzy and adorable, he becomes a tall blonde, beautiful young man with crystal blue eyes, long blonde hair that's just perfect and a slender yet muscular body that just won't quit making you look at it."
"Pics please?" Munin asked. "Erm, after all, I have to know what we're talking about here."
Ilse walked to the computer and put a memory card into the appropriate reader slot. "Here. It's... it's horrible, I tell you!"
The computer screen showed the scope of the horror. A well-sculpted male form that honestly looked nothing like Fang was shown in various poses in all kinds of extremely fashionable clothes. Long blonde hair cascaded down the well-muscled shoulders of this... were-bishonen.
"Is that soft focus?" Heph asked.
"Yes. I-- er, the photographer went with a soft focus there, and the polarizing filter there brings out the true horror of the tone of his rock-solid upper arms," Ilse said. "And what's worse is... I found this in his patrol car!" She held up what looked to be like some kind of long black mesh sleeveless t-shirt.
"Whoa! Dude!" the Cobalt Claymore said as he walked in, a little red-faced under his blue mask. "Where did you find the kunoichi lingerie?"
"What?" Heph, Ilse, and Munin asked.
"Yeah, that's a base layer for ninjas of the female persuasion there. It helps wick sweat away from the body on long missions."
"And just how do you know this, CC?" Heph asked.
"Live among ninjas long enough and you eventually see them in their underwear," the Cobalt Claymore said.
"Wait, I thought ninjas were supposed to be invisible," Heph said.
"They are, when they're at work. Off-duty, they're visible. And you really can't tell who's wh-" the Cobalt Claymore stopped as he viewed the mesh garment a little closer. "Oh, dear. Yep, your Fang has problems. If you see here, it looks like she might have left a phone number or some way to contact her."
"What?"
"Yep. Your boyfriend has ninja groupies, Ilse," the Cobalt Claymore said. "I'm sorry." Then he turned to look at the photos of Fang in his were-bishonen form. The Cobalt Claymore scowled.
"And he's even more handsome than I am," the blue-garbed swordsman grumbled. "This could be problematic."
Ilse began to cry again.
Heph stood up from his office chair. "Right. Well, let's see who's been putting out cursed comics and entrapped our little buddy in a web of curses and stunning man-prettiness," he said. "Ilse, you should go home and rest. We've got it here. CC, go talk to your contacts in the ninja underworld about excessively giddy kunoichi. Munin, you and will- hey, Em?"
Agent Munin, still looking at the photos, kept scrolling slowly up and down on a picture of Fang's cursed self in a pair of tight-fitting MMA trunks, the creative lighting defining his well-sculpted abs even better than normal. "Huh?"
"Investigate now, beefcake later."
"It's not beefcake, it's important evidence-gathering!" Munin said with reddening face.
"Uh-huh," Heph said. "Come on, partner. We've got some sources to check. CC, what's the status on the paperwork?"
"What paperwork?" the Cobalt Claymore asked.
"The stuff you said you'd do after we finished packing the SUV."
"I never said I'd help move boxes. I said I'd go get help is all."
"Hey, it's cool that you disguised yourself and all, but come on, the short little office guy with the graying hair and fake goatee wasn't your best disguise," the big blue cyborg said.
"I didn't disguise myself."
"Fine," Heph said as he walked into the now-bare liaison's office. There were three stacks of forms on the desk, and each form was stamped, signed or initialed in the correct spot. There wasn't even so much as a misaligned stamp.
"I take it back, CC, this isn't your work," Heph said.
"I told you," the Cobalt Claymore replied.
"It's too neat and orderly."
"That's right, it's too- hey, I'm not a slob, Heph," the swordsman said.
"I didn't say you were. This is orderly on a very scary level."
The Cobalt Claymore sniffed the air. "Fresh-cut bamboo," he said. "There's only one explanation. Paperwork ninjas."
"Great. Ninjas, robots, cyborgs, werewolf nerds and the supermodel IT admins who love them, and swordsmen and archers... what's next? Zombie monkeys?"
"You've doomed us all with that, Heph. You know that, right?" Agent Munin asked.
"Investigations first, zombie monkey fighting later. We have to have priorities."
The scene faded out to credits.
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
Avatar by Scarf_Girl!
((This isn't exactly a "Domestic Blitz" type subject, but I don't think it warrants a separate thread of its own.
But... I stupidly made another alt. And then I stupidly made her a character brought to life from a series of fantasy novels. Then I stupidly said there were 15 of them. Then, of course, I made them ICly available for people to read...
Well, a couple nights ago, I wrote 15 fantasy novels.
A few notes regarding noble titles:
Tec = servant to royalty, male
Tessa = servant to royalt, female
Evec = Warrior, male or female.
Cetec = Lord or Duke
Cetess = Lady or Duchess
Evescetess = Wife or consort of the King
Evescetec = Husband or consort of the Queen
Pendec = King
Pendeca = Prince
Pendess = Queen
Pendessa = Princess
So... here is the Magic of Karkosa, by Flynn Stewart. Hope you enjoy it.))
Book 1: Hexed-Child of Karkosa
Alara is born of Evescetess (wife of the king) Elze to Pendec (king) Olru of Karkosa. The Darkesh (evil magic users from a hidden, mysterious realm) leader Inora steals the child, only to bring her back the next day, but now, instead of a little baby, Alara is a twelve year-old girl. She has no memory of what happened during the lost day, or how she came to age twelve years. The Pendecs advisors distrust Alara and the courtier, Cetec (Lord or Duke) Moyar plots to kill her. Inora stops the plot, but it is revealed that Moyars distrust of Alara is justified, since the Darkesh have planted in Alaras mind the impulse to kill her father during an upcoming festival. Venwar, the thirteen year-old son of Tec (servant to royalty) Ven, overhears Inora and risks his own life to stop Alara from committing this terrible act. This is the beginning of the primary relationship in the series that between Alara and Venwar.
Book 2: Stormlords of Karkosa
The Darkesh and the Karkosans both fear the Stormlords who live at the Center, deep beneath the ground and direct the natural workings of the world. The Stormlords are unknowable and do not interact with mortals during those rare occasions when they deem to walk among them. One day, however, a youthful Stormlord named Nok makes his presence known to Alara, and refers to a mutual experience that she has no memory of. He refers to the curse placed upon her, and how she must solve all of the 3 riddles before her sixteenth birthday or she and her fathers realm will perish. This seems an impossible task since she doesnt remember what happened during the time she was stolen by the Darkesh. Nok tells her that she didnt spend all of that time with the Darkesh, that a war was fought over her in the hidden realms, and that it was the Stormlords intervention that forced Inora to return her. The main plot involves Alara and Venwar returning Nok to the Center, which is difficult because he has broken the Stormlords taboo by communicating with a mortal he is sentenced to annihilation. The Stormlords relent and accept Nok back, but only after Alara proves her bravery to them by her willingness to take Noks punishment in his stead. Meanwhile, their journey to the Center has accidentally unleashed the dreaded Sword Dogs, a race of anthropomorphic wolves that the mages of Karkosa long ago banished into the Caves of Awa.
Book 3: Sword Dogs of Karkosa
It is the celebration of Pendessa (princess) Alaras thirteenth birthday, an event that is even more important to her parents since it is the first time they have been with her on the anniversary of her birth. Venwar has been appointed as her companion/servant (cetec) and is bored with helping her choose a gown for the celebration. Instead, he decides he will find out what the 3 riddles are, and he is sure that Inora would be the one to ask, and winds up being whisked away to the hidden realms and misses the celebration. Alara is heartbroken that her best friend is not at her party. During the Birthday celebration, the Sword Dogs attack! The Sword Dogs overthrow the realm, killing most of Karkosas mages, enslaving the people of the land, and banishing the royal family and their servants to the Caves of Awa. Meanwhile, Venwar has to perform a task cleaning a sacrificial altar -- for Inora, in return for which she will reveal the first riddle which Alara must answer: What is that is for a mere handful of years, yet spends a lifetime to become what it shall become? Back in Karkosa, Evescetess Elze, once a powerful mage in her own right, leads an escape from the Caves of Awa. The end of the book finds Venwar returning to a Karkosa ruled by Nemorik, Lord of the Sword Dogs. He seeks refuge in a hidden grove where he and Alara had built a tree house to play in a year earlier (in book 1). There, he finds Alara and her family. The reunion is not a happy one since Alara thinks Venwar deserted them when the Sword Dogs attacked.
Book 4: Dark Skies of Karkosa
Evescetess Elze gathers the few remaining mages in Karkosa and Pendec Olru rallies the people of the realm and prepares to reclaim Karkosa from the Sword Dogs. The body of the book concerns various battles as the Karkosans take back their realm. Venwar is charged with keeping Alara hidden and safe, since if something were to happen to her father, she would become the Pendess (ruling Queen) of the Realm. Evescetess Elze critically injured in the conflict. Alara is grief-stricken, but must still remain in hiding. She still displeased with Venwar for leaving just prior to the Sword Dog invasion, and is even moreso when he will not let her go to her mothers side. The tide of war turns in the favor of the Karkosans and the Sword Dogs are forced back to the Caves of Awa. However, one retreating contingent finds Alara and Venwar. Venwar fights valiantly killing them all, but is injured so badly he will surely die. At this point, Alara finds out that she has inherited magical healing powers and saves Venwars life. She is crushed to realize that, if she had been allowed to, she might have saved her mothers life also. The book ends with the triumphant, but sad return of Pendec Olru to the Karkosan throne. Venwar finally tells Alara of the riddle. She answers, This riddle is easy it is a child.
Book 5: Warriors of Karkosa
Estranged from his best friend, Venwar asks permission from Pendec Olru to enter the warriors guild and train to become an Evec (skilled warrior). Pendec Olru gives Venwar his consent. Alara mulls the meaning of the riddle and wonders what the next riddle might be. Venwar discovers a conspiracy among the Evec leaders to depose Pendec Olru because of how unprepared the realm had been for the Sword Dog invasion. Venwar pretends to have turned against the royal family so that he can get closer to the leaders of the planned coup. Alara seeks out Inora to query about the second riddle, but instead finds out that Venwars soul has been tainted by cleaning the sacrificial altar. Venwar finds himself becoming too close to the Evec Tenery, and begins thinking that the coup might be the right thing to do. Alara disguises herself and joins the warriors guild in order to find Venwar. She finds him and during an emotional scene, helps him cleanse his spirit. The end of the book finds the coup defeated before its begun, and Alara and Venwar realizing that their relationship might be more than just best friends.
Book 6: Hidden Realms of Karkosa
This book is less story, and more travelogue. It is the day after the celebration of her fourteenth birthday, Alara and Venwar decide that if she is to find the riddles she must answer, then she must go to the hidden realms. She and Venwar go to Faiyren Realm, home of the Faiyr, where Alara is trained in Fairyen magic. Next is the Beastie Realm, from where came the Sword Dogs, but is now, without their presence, a peaceable place ruled by the Great Bear and protected by dragons. They encounter Cetec Moyar in the Barren Realm, a dead place that infects living beings with a lethargy which could keep them trapped there for eternity. Finally they go to the Darkesh Realm, where Inora offers to tell them the next riddle in return for another task for Venwar. Alara refuses to allow him to risk his soul again, and offers to complete the task instead. Inora reacts angrily, and sends them back to Karkosa, but tells Alara that she will present the second riddle to her on her fourteenth birthday. The book ends with Alara and Venwar back in Karkosa where Alara finds her awakening love for Venwar getting harder to dismiss.
Book 7: Invaders of Karkosa
At this point, it is becoming apparent that Flynn Stewart has somewhat lost his zeal for the series. This book is one scene after another of pointless swordfights and magic duals between the Karkosans and their new enemies from across the Dividing Sea, the Halyans from the Realm of Haly. Alara and Venwar turn back the invasion and almost kiss at the end of the book.
Book 8: Sky Machines of Karkosa
Pretty much a repeat of the last book, except the invaders come from the sky. The implication is that they are from another planet in another galaxy. Their sky machines have incredible power, and Alara talks her father into joining forces with the Darkesh and the Sword Dogs in order to turn back the threat. More titillating almost moments between Alara and Venwar.
Book 9: Heir of Karkosa
A plague sweeps through Karkosa, and Pendec Olru falls ill to it and nearly dies from it. He is left completely incapacitated. Alara becomes acting Pendess (queen) and has to fight off her fathers advisors, some of whom feel that she is too young and inexperienced to reign. This one is political intrigue, but somewhat poorly done. Alara does come across as smart and resourceful, even if her fathers advisors seem to be a bit too dull to actually hold such high positions in the realm. Venwar fights off several assassination attempts. The book ends as Inora appears to Alara in a dream with the second riddle: On my bosom you did lie; in my heart you shall abide; in the shifting of the tide, you shall find me. Alara answer: That riddle speaks of my mother Evescetess Elze. To which Inora replies, You and your realm are doomed, child. Even more titillating almost moments between Alara and Venwar.
Book 10: Catgirl of Karkosa
With this book, the publisher changes the series category from Juvenile to Young Adult. Flynn Stewart also seems to get a bit of his old enthusiasm back. It is Alaras fifteenth birthday, but there is no time for celebrations. Conflict in the Darkesh Realm spills over into Karkosa as a rival of Inora visits acting Pendess Alara and changes her into a half-cat, half-human creature. A new character is introduced in the form of Drennik, son of Sword Dog leader, Nemorik. As Alara becomes more catlike in nature, she runs away to the Beastie Realm, where she encounters Drennik, a peace-loving Sword Dog who has run away from his father and found sanctuary among the Great Bears people. Drennik appeals to the animal in her, and Alara has to struggle to not give in to the call of nature that seems to be overwhelming her. When things are almost to the point of no return, Venwar arrives with Inora by his side and together they kidnap Alara and restore her to her normal form. Drennik swears vengeance on Venwar and returns to join his father. At books end, Venwar and Alara find themselves alone in her private chambers. She is afraid because her hold on the throne of Karkosa is now more tenuous than ever. He embraces her, and awakens the same primal urges she had experienced in her cat form. Ashamed, she turns him away and tells him she must save herself for the husband her father chooses for her, according to tradition. They must never, ever compromise the purity of my body, which belongs not to you, nor to myself, but to my people, so that the royal bloodline of Karkosa can continue undiluted. Realizing that they can never be together, Venwar leaves Karkosa and joins a band of pirates led the handsome, young Captain Allory Arkis. Books end finds Alara alone in the palace, the weight of ruling crushing her dreams; and Venwar, sailing off into the Dividing Sea for parts uknown.
Book 11: Pirates of Karkosa
Venwar takes most of the spotlight in this book. He has a series of adventures with Allory Arkis and crew, during which Venwar proves his worth to his captain. When a dispute arises between Allory and his 1st officer, Venwar is promoted to take the position. Later, the 1st officer tries to stealthily kill Allory, but Venwar catches the man in the act, and together, Allory and Venwar subdue the man, who is put off on the next deserted island they come across. As weeks pass, Venwar finds himself liking Allory more and more until one evening the captain calls Venwar into his cabin. There, the captain explains to Venwar a tradition among pirates that it is acceptable for a captain on a ship to choose one of his crew to serve as a lover while they are at sea. The book ends with Allory kissing Venwar even as he reaches behind him to close the cabin door. Alaras scenes in this book are limited to interspersed scenes where she is dealing with court intrigue, wishing her mother was still alive, caring for her sick father, and negotiating a trade deal with Karkosas former adversary, Haly. Her final scene in the book involves her wishing she had Venwar back and swearing to herself that if he returned to her, she would never spurn his affections again.
Book 12: Lost Seas of Karkosa
This book takes up immediately after the end of the previous book. Venwar is confused about his feelings for Allory. Alara is desperately missing Venwar. Alara receives a bit of good news concerning her father -- Pendec Olru is upright and walking, and soon he will be strong enough to resume rule. It is determined that Alara should be sent to Haly to finalize the trade agreement. Her ship is attacked by pirates and she finds herself the captive of Captain Allory and Venwar. Venwar tells Allory of his love for Alara. The pirate captain asks if he loves her enough to share her fate on the plank. Venwar agrees to continue his relationship with Allory in return for Alaras life the surety of her safety. Allory agrees to keep their relationship discreet. All goes well until one night the captain dismisses Venwar from his quarters so that he can entertain a dinner guest. Of course the guest is Alara whom Allory sets about seducing. Venwar is beside himself and spies through a window at them. She seems willing enough to give in to Allorys charms. Then, after remembering a remark made by the ships cook when he was delivering the meal to the captains cabin, Venwar realizes that Allory has used herbs to weaken her resistance. He wonders if those herbs had also been used on himself. Venwar busts into the room to break things up just as the ship lurches as if it has run up on a sand bar. What has happened is worse a sea-monster has attacked the ship. Allory, Venwar, and Alara escape in a lifeboat while the creature feasts on the rest of the crew. The three drift for days, withering in the hot, red sun before they land on a deserted island. It happens to be the same one the former 1st mate was left on. He is now dead, but remains in the form of a vengeful ghost. The remainder of the book is a sometimes frightening tale of survival on the harsh island with the menacing ghost popping out of nowhere at times. Allory kills himself so that he can take on the ghost as a ghost. Alara is confused (as is Venwar, really) when Venwar kisses the dead pirate captains lips. Then end of the book leaves the two alone on the island, but too confused about their sexuality to actually enjoy it.
Book 13: Monsters of Karkosa
This one begins with the rescue of Alara and Venwar by Nok, the young Stormlord from the second book. He happened to be preparing a storm which would devastate the island when he saw them there. Upon returning to Karkosa, Alara and Venwar slowly begin rebuilding their relationship. Unknownn to everyone, Drennik has killed his father, taken control of the Sword Dogs, killed the Great Bear, and is now preparing to lead them to war against Karkosa. A dragon escapes from Drenniks Beastie Realm and comes to Karkosa to try and warn them about the impending invasion. The dragon is exhausted and wounded, and accidentally burns an entire village, killing everyone in it. It protests that it was accidental, but Pendec Olru decrees that the creature must die. The creature tells them that they face an overwhelming invasion from the Beastie Realm, but they interpret that as a threat and muzzle the creature to keep it quiet. Alara argues in the dragons behalf, but fails to change her fathers mind. She can only watch as the beastie is executed. At Alaras request, Venwar journeys to the Beastie Realm where he confronts Drennik. In the ensuing fight, Drennik chews off Venwars right arm. Venwar is allowed to escape, barely alive, because Drennik is so certain of victory he wishes to begin his gloating before the war even begins. When Venwar returns to Karkosa, Alara uses her powers to heal his arm, but the arm that miraculously grows to replace the lost one is dark red, with claws on its fingers a beastie arm. The arm is several times stronger than Venwars original arm, and when he touches Alara with the clawed hand, she feels the transformation to catgirl begin. The book ends with Alara once again having to keep distance between herself and Venwar.
Book 14: Mages of Karkosa
Months have passed. Alaras sixteenth birthday approaches, and she has answered only one riddle, has been told the second riddle, and has no idea what the third riddle is. Inora hasnt been seen in Karkosa in months, and doesnt answer Alaras attempts to contact her. Alara consults the mages of Karkosa, and they advise her to seek the help of the Faiyr. Alara gos to the Faiyren Realm and they convince her to stay with them for a while to further her magical abilities. Venwar has rejoined the warriors guild and has easily reached the level of Evec. A beautiful young Evec named Siuna falls in love with him, and he has a brief relationship with her before he realizes that he is still deeply in love with Alara. He chooses a true love that may never be his over the girl in his arms. Siuna doesnt take the rejection well, and it is clear that Evec Venwar has made a new enemy. Alara is attracted to a young Faiyr named Moonsheer with whom she almost has a physical relationship, but is called back home before they can act on their mutual desire. Back home she realizes two things one, she is deeply in love with Vinwar; and two, she knows the correct answer to the second riddle.
Book 15: Pendessa of Karkosa
The time has come for Alaras sixteenth birthday. Again, there will be no celebration because her father is certain that Drennik will choose this day to begin his invasion. As expected, the sun has barely risen when the Beastie hordes come swarming in. Inora appears to Alara even as the battle begins. She requests the correct answer to the second riddle. Alara tells her that the mother the riddle refers to was not Evescetess Elze, but instead was Inora herself. Inora then tells Alara the story of her conception (the detailed account of which takes up good portion of the first half of the book) : She and Olru had had a forbidden affair and Inora became with child; Elze, Olrus jealous wife, used her magic to transfer the fruit of Inoras womb into her own; Inora had stolen Alara because she wanted to raise her own baby, and would not have returned her if she had not been forced to by the lords of the other Realms and the Stormlords themselves; she had taken Alara and hidden in a heretofore unknown realm where time passed much more quickly than it did in the other hidden realms. After telling Alara all of this, Inora gives her the final riddle: For the sake of a people, forsake a people; to defeat an enemy, embrace an adversary. Alara correctly solves this riddle: Inora is asking Alara to take her forsake her place as Pendessa of Karkosa, and join Inora in the hierarchy of the Darkesh. Her heart wants to stay in Karkosa, but if she allies herself with Inora, the combined forces of the Karkosans and the Darkesh could crush the Beastie invasion quickly. But if she does so, she also knows that her father would be deposed and Inora would claim the throne of Karkosa. Venwar finds himself on the front line of battle along with Siuna. In the midst of a heated skirmish, Siuna shoves Venwar onto a Beastie sword. The book ends with the beastie horde storming the palace of Karkosa. Olru is captured. Alara is trapped into choosing Inoras offer. Venwar is bleeding to death on the battlefield.
Book 16: Black Throne of Karkosa
Although the title was announced, this book was never published.
((Tami is Rogue Atom -- 14-year old superhero aunt of 20-something year old superhero, Sovtek. Sovtek is actually the name of Tami's father's (Dmitri Martinov) company and the armor he invented is worn by his grandson, Michael Martin (Americanized name). When the story begins, Tami is a non-resident student at Maggie's Rock and lives with her nephew Michael and his younger brother Peter. They are supposed to be watching out for her, because she's lived a sheltered life, and is a little naive. She isn't supposed to start dating until she's fifteen, but there's this boy she likes -- Ryan -- and her birthday's only a month away, after all.
Michael likes to play Ladies' Man, and having this little girl around cramps his style. The day before we begin, he sent Tami to the natural-living store with a shopping list of certain herbs and ground insects from Spain...))
You perv!
Michael Martin laughs at his fourteen year-old aunt.
It was just a joke, Tams. Chill out.
Tami Martinov doesnt chill out. Instead she becomes animated, pacing back and forth and waving her hands around as she says, I wont chill out! You had me ask that guy at the store for
for
sex stuff and I didnt even know it! You treat me like dirt! You either make me stay in my room or you wont let me in if you have a girl in the apartment! You make me pay for my own food, even though Daddy has an allowance set up
Hey, that allowance barely covers your share of the rent.
If Im paying rent, I should be able to come and go as I please!
Except my name is on the lease, so I get to say who comes and goes and when.
You dont want me here, do you?
I told Granpapa I didnt. He sent you anyway. If I had my way, Peter wouldnt be here either.
Tami storms upstairs and in a moment comes down with a heavy suitcase packed full.
Where are you going? Michael asks.
I dont know
maybe theyll let me stay at the school. Or maybe Ill stay on the street where all your girlfriends come from.
Michael laughs and says, Why dont you stay with your boyfriend? Oh, wait you dont have a boyfriend. Youre not allowed to date for what
another month?
But I do have a boyfriend! And hes nice nothing like you!
Really? Do you?
Tami nods, her face red with anger and frustration.
Michael muses on that for a moment, then takes out his Sovtek cell phone and says, I wonder what Granpapa will say about that.
No dont tell him! Hell make me go back home!
Michael smiles as he presses the number for the Martin/Martinov patriarch. Too bad, he says. Hello, Granpapa? This is Michael. I have something to tell you about Tami
((Season 3, Episode 6!))
The cameras faded in on Hephaestus 1 and Sergeant-Major Keenan as they stood at the edge of a large and still slightly-warm crater. The RCMP officers and cadets were forming a security perimeter to keep gawkers away. Neither was prepared for what they were seeing.
A large banana-shaped alien and his family were camped out in the crater next to a rock-encrusted spaceship, with a signal flare and a red hazard triangle behind the apparently stricken vehicle.
One banana lounged in a hammock while the others scurried around it.
"Hey, Mavis!" the banana said, "looks like the cops are here!"
Another banana popped its head out of the spaceship "Well, tell them that we need to file an accident report, Herman! That Taranthim Freighter did not have the right of way!"
Sergeant-Major Keenan looked at the aliens and then at Heph. "I'm not entirely sure what to do here. I don't know if this is an accident scene or a first contact."
"It's pretty much both," Heph said.
"Oh. Well, I'm not authorized for first contact, we usually have someone out of Ottawa's Department H handle these things."
Heph rubbed his metal temples with his hands. "Well, we need to render assistance, so I'll handle it."
Sergeant-Major Keenan shook his head. "I can't let you do that, Sergeant O'Flannagan. That could cause an international incident."
"International incident?" Mavis the alien banana asked incredulously as she climbed up the crater. "Your lack of designated travel lanes in high planetary orbit is the international incident here!"
"Ma'am, please go back to your uh, spacecraft," Sergeant-Major Keenan said. "I'm not authorized to speak to you on behalf of Her Majesty's government, but please rest assured we'll have the correct people to welcome you to Earth."
Mavis looked at her husband. "Herman! Did you land us in England?"
"Canada, dear, that's why he's polite and formal!" Herman said from the confines of his hammock.
"I don't see any Tim Hortons here."
"The nearest Tim Hortons is approximately 42 kilometers directly south of our location on Rochdale Boulevard in Regina," Heph and Sergeant-Major Keenan said in unison.
Mavis the alien banana blinked. "So you're both police officers, then?"
"I'm retired, ma'am," Heph said. "I don't claim to speak for the Canadian government, but I can at least welcome you to Earth."
"Sergeant O'Flannagan, I'll have to loadge a protest with the American consulate," the veteran Mountie said. "You're creating an international incident."
"I'm sure you've got a Good Samaritan law or two," Heph said as he opened up a notepad and started writing. "So, ma'am, could you describe the accident?"
Six hours later, a team of alien-contact specialists from Ottawa were wrapping up their initial investigation. A bemused looking government agent looked at the notes taken by Heph.
"Alien bananas, an unmarked spacelane exit and an order for a quarter-tonne of Timbits? Do these things always happen around you?"
"Normally it's not quite as extreme, but then again I'm usually in a city where space oddities aren't all that odd," Heph said as he tucked his notepad back into his jacket pocket. "So, how much trouble am I going to get into for violating your federal first-contact laws?"
"Hmm. You'll probably have to buy another quarter-tonne of Timbits for the Academy," the agent said. "Anyway, thanks for getting the initial statement for Department H. As always, you'll need to keep this in strictest confidence."
"Uhm," Heph said, looking at the cameras, "That might be a little tough."
The agent finally noticed that he was being filmed and recorded by Clem and Earl. "Oh, that's gonna be a problem."
"Guys?" Heph said. "Switch to travel slides!"
The screen switched to a series of travel slides as "Lovin' Every Minute Of It" by Loverboy plays in the background.
Slide 1: Hephaestus 1 getting autographs from the members of The Guess Who
Slide 2: Heph's induction into the Possum Lodge, the Right Honorable Red Green presiding
Slide 3: Heph touring the National Comedian Breeding Vats and Cloning Facility
Slide 4: Heph and the guys from Manitoba's greatest television export "The Router Workshop" using a 3/8" rabbet to put the finishing touches on a router-carved copy of Michelangelo's "David."
Slide 5: Comparing the label on Labatt's blue to Heph's arm. Result: Heph's arm is bluer.
Slide 6: Heph inspecting the troops of the RCMP Musical Ride. Oddly enough, he's taking this seriously.
Slide 7: Heph visiting the spot where Gordon Lightfoot and Leonard Cohen teamed up to fight Nemesis' Evil Robot Versions of Rush.
Slide 8: Heph with two dozen double-doubles from Tim Hortons balanced on his outstretched arms.
The screen faded to credits.
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
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