((Episode 2, Part 2!))
When the commercials ended, the show returned to a scene of Heph accepting a large, flat box from the local express delivery company. Heph looked over the box.
"Huh," Heph said. "This is from CBC in Toronto. I guess it's in regards to the quick PR appearance they requested. This is a good-sized media kit."
"Aren't most media kits usually sent on a DVD for printing out?" the courier asked.
"That's what I thought, but you never know," Heph said with a shrug. "Anyway, let me see what we've got here." Heph opened the box as the camera panned over to show that Agent Munin and the Paperwork Ninja had entered the office.
"Hey, Mick?" Munin asked, "Papes and I have a question on these travel voucher-- oh God my eyes Mick! Putitbackputitbackputitback!" she said, covering her eyes from the eldritch horror of what was in the box. Even the Paperwork Ninja shielded his eyes from the perilous vision.
"What? It fits and I like the pattern. Very Spirit of '76, you know?" Heph asked from off-camera.
"Yeah, 1976," the Paperwork Ninja said. "You're seriously not going to wear that, are you?"
Heph showed back up on-camera in his normal jacket, reading a letter. "Yep. Looks like I'm being requested to wear it to a meeting with one of CBC's most beloved commentators on the most important subjects of the day. Maybe I'll be on their version of the evening news?"
"As what, a test pattern?" Munin asked.
"Look, it's harmless, okay? It's probably just some good-natured ribbing is all. So, in the interest of being a good guest, I'm going along with it. Besides, we'll be in Toronto on Thursday and Montreal on Friday. It'll be a blip on the radar. We'll do a PR appearance for the DVDs at a local mall there, then a neighborhood appearance in Meta Hills since it's only proper to introduce yourselves to the local heroes if you're visiting another city. Then there's the little meeting at Air Canada Centre on Thursday night that requires wearing the jacket which I like and you don't. They've probably just got a nice studio setting there that will accomodate a guy my size is all."
The Paperwork Ninja stood there next to Munin, his face showing just the slightest hint of a smirk. Munin picked up on it.
"Something on your mind, Papes?"
"I'll tell you later, Em. Just be patient until then."
Heph walked into his private office with his new parcel under his arm, humming a happy tune. Agent Munin turned to the Paperwork Ninja as the door closed.
"Okay, seriously, Papes. What's going on? Hiding it is definitely not shiny, all right?"
The Paperwork Ninja leaned over and started whispering into the girl's ear. As the tale went further, Munin's eyebrows raised over her amber-colored sunglasses. Then her jaw dropped.
"You're kidding me!" Munin said as the Paperwork Ninja finished.
"It's a wild guess, but it fits, doesn't it?" the Paperwork Ninja said. "The visual horror in that box, the significance of the place where Mick's going, the timing of the whole thing. It just makes too much sense."
"But how can you be sure?"
"I, uh, have... relatives... there who can confirm stuff like this." the Paperwork Ninja said. "Just trust me on it," he said as he walked back to his cubicle humming a tune familiar to some viewers.
"There's got to be more to it than that," Munin said as she followed the file clerk back to his cubicle. "It's beginning to smell like a big set-up!"
The Paperwork Ninja shrugged. "It does, doesn't it? Let's have a little faith in the boss, though. He seems to think it's on the up-and-up."
"He has problems with scale, though. He treats world-shattering conspiracies like it's another day at the office."
"He's a superhero, Em. World-shattering conspiracies are just another day at the office," the Paperwork Ninja said in between sips of coffee.
"We'll find out soon enough, I guess," Munin said as the camera faded out to commercials.
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
Avatar by Scarf_Girl!
((Episode 2, Part 3!))
The scene faded back in from commercials to a montage of Hephaestus 1 and Agent Munin going to a series of bookstores and music stores to promote the release of Serv'd! on Blu-Ray. The montage ended at a local music store where the two heroes were sitting in front of a shorter than normal line.
I don't get it, Heph said. This public relations trip was supposed to help with viewership, but it's like we came in on a day where everyone has something else they need to do.
It's a Thursday, Mick, the Paperwork Ninja said as he made his way behind the table. And it's also Opening Day here.
Opening Day?
For hockey, Mick.
Right! I knew that, Heph nodded. For some reason I forgot it momentarily.
It also explains the lack of people here. They're probably busy getting all their other stuff done so they can sit down and enjoy the games tonight.
A woman a little younger than Heph stood in front of the table with her boxed set of DVDs. We're not all hockey-obsessed up here, you know. Some of us have lives and some of us have other hobbies instead of watching hockey.
I know. It's okay to be a fan, though. I think a lot of people feel like you do about baseball back in the States. And like I tell them, you don't know what you're missing until you actually sit down to watch a game at your local venue. Even if it's not the majors, minor-league sports can provide a lot of entertainment value for very little money.
They're just so dumb, though!
Heph shrugged. I got the same answer from some of my old gaming group back in Chicago. I don't care what part of the geek hierarchy you're in, it's close-mindedness as a way to make yourself feel better. I'll just say you're missing out and leave it at that.
You would know about close-mindedness, the woman snapped.
Yeah, I would, and I missed out for a very long time on some great social events and missed out on meeting some great people because of that same attitude, Heph said. Being a cop will do that to you sometimes, too. You'll think 'Our system is good enough' when something that's better comes along. Now, to whom should I make this autograph?
Oh, to my daughter Arden. It's an end-of-semester gift when she comes back from college.
Where does she go?
Paragon City University.
Oh, really? Munin asked.
Yes, she's off doing whatever when she could be helping her family maintain order here in Toronto. It's what the people in Meta Hills do, you know.
I see, the young archer replied. Well, don't be too surprised if she outdoes you. Paragon City has some of the biggest challenges to heroes. Those who get past them often go on to save little things like the world.
Well, if she comes back with everything we taught her intact then it'll be a miracle, the woman said as she picked up the boxed set and walked off.
Heph and Munin exchanged a glance.
This explains a lot, Heph said.
Yeah, she's a bit more rude than Arden said, Munin replied.
The next customer in line was a man who seemed to be as wide as he was tall, a giant brick wall of a man. His steely glare from the crows' feet wrinkles around his eyes still seemed to have the fire of youth despite the salt-and-pepper specks of gray and white throughout his thick black hair. He also had the Paperwork Ninja in a headlock and was proceeding to give him noogies in front of everyone.
Ha! The son of my new son-in-law! I did not expect to see one such as you in such a public venue! Long has it been since we have seen each other! the larger man said in his near-archaic pattern of speech.
Hi, Ron, the Paperwork Ninja said. I hadn't expected to see you here, either.
Well, as a former defenseman for both the Boston Bruins and Toronto Maple Leafs, I try to take in opening-night games of both teams whenever possible. Such is the devotion to team and sport of Ron Waifu!
And you managed to catch our Paperwork Ninja off-guard, Munin said. That's impressive.
Well, when you reach a certain age, you've seen every kind of defensive play and every kind of evasive tactic. Such is the way of the world, Ron said.
So, you're the father-in-law to Papes' dad? Heph asked.
Yes, his father recently married my daughter whose name is Mai as required by custom. He also married her because if he didn't I'd knock his head off with a mighty punch for seducing my little girl. Even at my age I am still capable of punching people with a mighty fist or two! Ha ha!
Munin leaned back in her chair. Well, you look like you could punch out a grizzly bear.
Ron Waifu laughed heartily. Oh, child of the wider world! I have not done such things since I was but a lad of twelve years!
Ron, the Paperwork Ninja said, Could you possibly, you know, let me out of this headlock?
Indeed I shall! Ron said, as the office shinobi fell to the floor with a loud thump. For such is the generosity and mercy of Ron Waifu!
That's an interesting accent you have. You're not from Ontario, then? Munin asked.
No! I am from... the west. It is a land of stark beauty, where the mountains and valleys hold both isolation and death to the unwary, but life and joy to those willing to perceive it. It is that land which made my people the tough and independent community they are today!
So, Alberta, then? Heph asked.
You could say that, Ron said. Say, could you sign this boxed set for me? I have to get to a pre-game ceremony for the Leafs soon.
Sure thing, Heph said as he grabbed a marker to sign it.
The scene faded out and into an external shot of the Air Canada Centre, then into a scene of the Paperwork Ninja and Agent Munin sitting at a small table in a dressing room sipping on some coffee.
I like it even more now with the shirt and tie! Heph said from off-screen.
You look like Uncle Sam... if he was a cyborg version of a used-car salesman, the paperwork Ninja said.
Even blind people have to look away, it's so ugly, Munin said.
You guys don't know anything about style, Heph said. "I'm ready to go." He walked into the camera. If one tried to adjust one's television settings, they would fail. Heph's red-white-and-blue plaid jacket was truly a technicolor sight to behold, especially since all of the buttons had been replaced with gold stars. Underneath the jacket he wore a royal blue shirt with silver stars all over it, and followed that up with a red and white striped tie festooned with gold stars. Thankfully he went with solid-colored blue poplin dress trousers, cuffed to keep the hems from getting caught in his cybernetic feet.
"My God, Em, he's full of stars," the Paperwork Ninja joked. Munin nearly spat her coffee out and started coughing.
"You... you jerk... that was hot coffee!" Munin sputtered as she tried not to laugh.
"Hey, I like it. It's very patriotic. At least our hosts thought of me enough to do that," Heph said. "Anyway, I have to head to the studio." With that, the big blue cyborg left the room, the recording team in tow. As he walked to the studio, he caught sight of the back of a red and green plaid jacket in a nearby dressing room. He poked his head into the room.
"Hey! Hey Coz! Are you here, too?" Heph shouted. "I'd recognize that jacket anywhere!"
A balding man with his white hair cut short and neat with a white vandyke and a high-collared white shirt walked into the camera's view.
"Hey! I don't know any 'Coz' and there's no one here by that name," the old man said. "I gotta admit, though, I respect your sartorial style there!"
Heph looked over to the old man. "Oh, sorry, that jacket looks like one that a friend of mine in the States wears on a regular basis. My name's Mick O'Flannagan. Most folks know me as Hephaestus 1. I'm a retired cop turned registered hero in the States, and I'm up here to do a PR run for my tv show. They scheduled me for an interview tonight in Studio G."
"Studio G? I must be interviewing you, then!" the old man said. "Well, I can say we'll be quite the pair on-screen, at least if I can find a tie." He looked off-camera. "Ron! Lend me one of your ties! I forgot the one I was going to wear!"
"Sorry, Coach!" the voice said from off-screen. "I only brought the one. It tested great in the focus groups."
"Where am I gonna find a tie that matches my jacket on such short notice?" the old man asked.
Heph looked into the camera, and his mechanical eyebrow raised. "You guys stay here. Uh, sir, I think I have just the tie for you. Hang on a second and I'll be right back."
"Sure thing, kid," the old man said. "See, Ron? Even this guy comes prepared with a second tie in case some other guy forgets his! That's the kind of game plan everyone needs!"
"Right, Coach," the voice said again from off-screen.
Heph walked back into the shot. "Found it! It's a little long for you, but we can hide the excess." He unrolled the tie and presented it to the old man.
"Raw silk?" the old man asked.
Heph nodded. "Yep. My favorite. Helps me fine-tune my sense of touch when it gets recalibrated."
"And it's got Daffy Duck on it! You're my kinda guy there, O'Flannagan!"
"Thanks! You can call me Heph, though. Everyone does."
"You call me Coach and I'll do that. Now, since you're my interview segment, let's get you and your crew up to the skyboxes for the game." The old man looked to someone off-camera again. "Ron! Tell Pierre to limber up and get my sedan chair ready! You guys'll have to carry me up those steps again. It's for the fans!"
"But my shoulder hurts from the practice run and Pierre's hiding near the timekeeper's booth again," the voice said from off-screen.
"Hey!" the old man shouted. "Don't whine in front of our guests! It's Un-Canadian! Now go find that bald little weasel and get that chair ready! Chop-chop, Ron!" He looked back to Heph.
"Good help is hard to find even in this economy," the old man said.
The cameras faded to commercials.
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
Avatar by Scarf_Girl!
((Episode 4, Part 4))
Hephaestus 1, Agent Munin and the Paperwork Ninja sat with former hockey star (and due to the marriage of Papes' father and Ron's daughter, the Paperwork Ninja's step-grandfather) Ron Waifu, enjoying the opening night hockey game between Toronto and Montreal. Heph's plaid jacket was causing fans to look away. Some even yelped in surprise if they weren't expecting it.
"Man," Heph said in between beers, "this is pretty darn good hockey. I wish I'd paid more attention to it as a kid like my Dad wanted."
"A father's wisdom is often unheeded in youth and often missed in middle-age," Ron said. "Which team did your father cheer for?"
"Chicago," Heph said.
Ron finished his beer. "Ah, a fine team, even in my day."
"Well, I spent more time playing baseball and football. Hockey wasn't a Chicago sport."
Munin and the Paperwork Ninja looked at each other, expecting a giant ham-sized fist to come swinging at their big blue boss.
"What?" Ron sputtered. "That is a silly statement which makes me laugh with sarcasm! Ha ha!"
"No, if the owner had thought of doing things like televising the games locally, opening up his wallet every so often to pay his players and entice new players to come in, and that, maybe they wouldn't have had such a long drought," Heph said.
"Clearly you see the wisdom of spending money to make money," the mountain of man said as he poured another cup of beer from the skyboxes' kegerator.
The clock wound down and the chants of "Grabbo! Grabbo!" wafted up to the skybox. Heph tensed up and charged his lasers.
"Guys, Grabbo's here. Who brought the summons?"
"Sorry to burst your bubble, boss," Munin said, "but that's the chant for some guy named Grabovski."
"So it's not Grabbo the Sexual Harassment Robot from Paragon City?" Heph asked.
"Nope. Just a fourth-liner is all," the Paperwork Ninja said from behind his beer. "I thought you might do that, though, so I made sure you had a large distance between us and the rink so we'd have time to explain that to you."
"Oh. Well, then, I guess you did a good job at finding seats for us, Papes," Heph said as he put his lasers' safeties back on.
The horn sounded, ending the second period of the game and the music played as the Zambonis went about their business of re-surfacing the ice. Halfway through their slow, predictable pattern, the re-surfacing machines stopped, faced each other and began flashing their lights.
"What's this?" Heph asked. "Zamboni jousting?"
"I have never seen such odd behavior by the ice crews of Toronto. This is most unnerving," Ron Waifu said.
In seconds the two ice re-surfacing machines had transformed into two brass and steel mechanical men in a pattern familiar to most heroes of Paragon City, but slightly different in details. Raising their mechanical hands, the two huge robots created a transfer point for a portal to appear. Out of the swirling portal stepped a familiar set of platform boots, complete with robotic fish swimming in Lexan-encased pools of fine machine oil, an outrageously-cut metal overcoat of anodized purple with metal trim anodized to look like leopard spots, an equally-outrageous broad-brimmed hat with a ridiculously large metal feather in its band, and a familiar gearwork staff topped off by a rotating dollar sign. Jaegers with fat-rimmed tires rolled out of the portal and a group of purple-and-gold colored uniforms of neo-Napoleonic design followed the wildly-dressed robot through the portal, their guns gleaming and at the ready.
"Attention people of Toronto," the robot said. "I, Pimp Nemesis, have come to accept the surrender of your beloved between-periods commentator whom you call 'Coach.' His outrageous styles impress me and I wish to use his brain to design my next suits of clothes. Surrender this Coach to me and I will allow your game to go on unimpeded. Resist, and... well, we have guns. You don't. Do the math."
There was a sound of two palms hitting two faces as Agent Munin and the Paperwork Ninja registered their disbelief. Heph just shook his head.
"We will never surrender him, for it is unseemly to lose a beloved commentator in such a dishonorable manner!" Ron said as he brought his fist down on a counter top, smashing it.
Pimp Nemesis continued as the crowd jeered and threw their half-empty beer cups at him.
"Well, I see I must use another method. Fortunately for you, I have replaced two other regular hockey commentators with my fine, fine robotic doubles. They'll be able to locate his wildly-dressed self in moments and bring him here. I just wanted a minimum of trouble. We can all be friends here, if you know your place."
The boos and jeers continued from the stands as there was a knock at the door.
"I got it," Heph said as he opened the door. "Oh, hey, Ron, Pierre. The Coach isn't here. He left his jacket behind, too."
The Coach's right-hand man and his bald-headed compatriot appeared at the door and grabbed Heph in a double bear hug and fired off rocket boosters from their backs and legs.
"He-is-wildly-dressed," Ron said.
"He is turtle-y enough for us," Pierre said. "Turtle! Turtle! Turtle!"
"FOR-LORD-NEMESIS," the two robotic doubles shouted as they took Heph through the front of the skybox and to the rink in front of their creator.
Munin, the camera crew, and the Paperwork Ninja ran down the stands from the skybox, while Ron Waifu grabbed a hockey stick from the display in the skybox.
"At last, my arm is complete!" Ron Waifu said, his body seeming to fill with the Power of the Goon.
Pimp Nemesis was likely not amused, but didn't show it. "Well, well, well! Hephaestus 1, as I function and combust! How is it that you show up in some of the finest threads in the middle of a hockey match?"
"It was a gift," Heph said. "The tie, shirt and trousers, though, were my idea."
"They work. But you are not The Coach," Pimp Nemesis said as he turned to the two robot doubles. "Can either of you explain how you couldn't tell an eight-foot-tall cyborg from an old man with a goatee?"
"Turtle?" Pierre said.
Ron shrugged.
Pimp Nemesis blasted the two robotic failures from existence.
"Easy there, Nems," Heph said. "Look, you can't have The Coach, regardless of his sartorial splendor. It's just not done."
"Either way, I shall have what I want," Pimp Nemesis said. "Still, how is it that you're here?"
"I'm a guest of The Coach and of the CBC since my show is being released here on Blu-Ray. I'm also supposed to give a lecture tomorrow night in Montreal," Heph said.
Pimp Nemesis shook his head. "No, no, my cyborg brother, you're here to mess with me. Even as we speak, Task Force JFL from Montreal is spiriting away my target to a safe place. You know how that makes me feel, Hephaestus 1?"
"Like a chump?" Heph said. "I don't know what you're talking about, Nems. I'm here to learn about hockey by watching two of the most storied teams in the game play against each other."
"So you're not a long-time hockey fan?" Pimp Nemesis asked.
"You have to start somewhere. I became a fan after watching the high school championships back home in Chicago," Heph explained.
"He's not Canadian?" a fan asked.
"No, I'm American," Heph said. "Couldn't you tell?"
"You're wearing blue white and red like a Montreal fan," the fan said.
"Typical American doesn't know which colors to wear!" another drunken fan snorted.
"Yeah, a typical American like your team's general manager," Heph said.
The Montreal fans cheered as they saw their rival fans disheartened by the revelation.
"And I'm as American as your team's captain," Heph said to a fan wearing a red sweater with a familiar logo made of a C and a smaller H.
There was a wailing and gnashing of teeth as this truth set in among the Montreal fans.
"What? I utter a couple simple statements of fact and you guys are freaking out? They're both pretty decent at what they do, so be happy!" Heph said to the crowd.
Pimp Nemesis motioned to his troops. "Kill this fool."
The Nemesis troops fired everything they had at Heph while his back was turned. As most of his defensive systems were off, his cybershell was torn apart by the massed firepower. He collapsed to one knee on the ice and tried to bring up his defensive systems to shrug off the rest of the attack. His body shuddered as emergency repair nanites worked to rebuild vital systems and repair holes in his armor.
"Not... not cool, Nems," Heph said as he fired his head-mounted lasers at the Purple Prince of Prussian Prurience. The beams bored through the robotic form's jacket and managed to melt through his armor quickly. Pimp Nemesis stepped back.
"Hephaestus 1, my cyborg brother, I may be a humble man of means and provider of things that people want, but you must remember one thing."
The purple and gold metal form charged the big blue cyborg and jabbed his staff down through Heph's armored shoulder and fired a blast of yellow and silver energy directly into his main systems.
Heph screamed in agony like none had ever heard from the man before.
"You must remember, my brother, that I am still Lord Nemesis and I am not to be trifled with. Nor am I one who takes deception with a sense of good humor."
Heph's ruined body doubled over as he fought something that was attacking his internal systems.
"Those nanites will continue to eat through your biopod's defenses unless you swear your allegiance to me. You're a fool, but you're a useful fool. You amuse me, Hephaestus 1. I can use that in my army."
"Like Hell I will," Heph said through the pain.
"Then you will die in agony. You can stop that, though, Hephaestus 1. Just say 'All Hail Lord Nemesis' and let them take control. It's that easy."
"Not happening," Heph said.
"Suit yourself. For now, I'll retire to my club to find the location of The Coach," Pimp Nemesis said.
Two heroes and one old hockey goon tore through the Nemesis troops.
"Heph!" Agent Munin shouted.
"You take care of Heph, Ron and I will trash these guys in our hometowns' respective ways!" the Paperwork Ninja shouted.
"I am truly alive in this moment of glory!" Ron Waifu said as he cut through one of the portal-controlling robots with a mighty slash of his hockey stick.
Pimp Nemesis turned around to see his portal go out of control.
"The location beacon! That's not in the plan," the purple and gold robot said as the portal damage caused a recall teleportation of both him and his troops. The threat disappeared in a flash, leaving one Zamboni wrecked and the other barely working.
The team went over to Heph's wrecked cybershell. Munin drew out a thin fiber-optic wire from her glasses and plugged it into an undamaged diagnostics jack.
"Come on, boss, come on! Say something!" the girl said. Something on her glasses' readout startled her and she tore them from her eyes. "Frak! They tried a subliminal suggestion on me."
The Paperwork Ninja knelt down beside his teammate. "Did you see anything?"
"Just intermittent life signs. I can't tell if he's still alive in there or not."
"Right. Let's get him to safety just in case," the ninja said as he worked the emergency release latch to expose the cybershell's biopod. Munin and the Paperwork Ninja began the process of disconnecting the biopod from its connections to the outer shell.
"They say he can live for a few months disconnected..." Munin said.
"He's alive, Em, have a little faith," the Paperwork Ninja offered in reply. "Just have faith. It's all we've got to go on right now."
A team of Toronto police anti-cyborg specialists arrived to assist with Heph's removal and disassembly.
"Who's his doctor?" the officer in charge of the scene said.
"The Mysterious Doctor Nambu, head of Design Bureau 009," Munin said. "We'll get in contact with him. Where are you taking my boss?"
"St.Michael's. They've got a good research unit there dealing with cybernetic interfaces."
"I'll let him know."
"Has he got insurance?"
"Yes. And a private doctor. Don't worry," Munin said. "Best care anywhere, right?"
The show faded to credits as Heph's cybershell was lifted onto the back of a truck by a small crane.
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
Avatar by Scarf_Girl!
Found On YouTube, dated shortly before the previous episode of "Serv'd!":
Heph, Agent Munin and the Paperwork Ninja stood in line at New Baumton International Airport along with all the other passengers en route to Toronto.
"I thought I was done with 'hurry up and wait' once I retired from the police department," Heph said. "Hey, Papes, can't you do something about this?"
The Paperwork Ninja shook his head. "Nope. The Transportation Security Administration has so much dense legal text that it's tough even for our best readers to find loopholes at the moment."
"Well that just sucks," Heph said.
"At least you don't have to carry your shoes by hand like everyone else," Munin said. "There's more funk at nose level right now than when Uncle Cozmic challenged Bootsy Collins to a thumb-wrestling match."
"Well, the soles of my feet aren't due for a re-tread for another fifteen thousand miles, so I'm good," Heph said as the team got closer to the screening area. After a few more minutes, the team arrived at the metal detector and scanner system.
The screener motioned to Heph. "Sir, please step through the detector gate."
"You're joking, right?" Heph asked.
"Sir, step through the gate," the screener demanded.
"Ma'am, if you haven't noticed most of my body is built over a metal skeletal structure. And much of that is metal. Your detector is not going to work properly," Heph said.
"Sir, step through the scanner now," the screener said.
"Or what? You'll call your manager?" Heph asked. "The detector is going to ring all the time no matter what."
"Step through the scanner or I'll be forced to call our security team, sir."
"How long does it take you to get your hair done, ma'am?" Heph asked.
"What does that have to do with anything?" Munin asked.
"I'm going to prove something," Heph said.
"It takes about 5 hours to get these braids did," the screener said.
"And you get metal beads at the end, right?" Heph asked.
"Yes. So what?"
"So you would set this off every time unless you undid your hair."
"Well, I'd tell the screener it's the beads in my hair."
"And what would he do?"
"He'd use the wand to prove it."
"But you already told him they were metal."
"Sir, are you going to step through the gate or not?"
"No, because I'm telling you I'm made of metal. Or does that not register in your what-passes-for-a-high-school-diploma-filled mind?"
"I graduated at the top of my class!"
"Sure you did," Heph said. "Anyway, I'm made of metal. The gate is going to get a big false alarm if I go through. So I'm not going through."
The screener motioned to an apparent supervisor. "This fool says he's made of metal and he won't go through the gate."
The supervisor looked up and down at Heph. "He is made of metal, Stephanie. It's obvious. He'd probably also damage the sensor system, too."
The screener folded her arms. "Well can we wand him?"
Heph looked at the supervisor and shrugged. "Your call, man, but I can assure you that I'm more metal than Dethklök." Heph then threw the horns.
The supervisor nodded. "Okay, how about going through the quantum scanner over there?"
"What, the nude-cam?" Heph asked. "Modesty doesn't permit me to do that. Sorry. I refuse."
"Oh for ****'s sake," the supervisor said. "Stop being difficult."
"Ooooooh," Papes and Munin said in unison. "You said a bad woooooord."
Heph waved his two teammates off from further commentary. "I'm a full-body conversion cyborg. I'm a retired cop who's seen a lifetime of this silliness, and believe me it's done nothing to make traveling more fun. So I'm refusing your metal detector on account of my predominantly-metal body and I'm refusing the quantum scanner because nobody gets to see my mighty blue cyberwang except for my doctor, my mechanic, and my contractually-obligated significant other who couldn't be with us today because she's at another better-living-through-toast-plasma-fusion seminar. So I'm not being difficult, I'm being honest. None of this is making me or anyone else here safer."
"I'll have to manually search you, sir," the supervisor said. "I'll have to pat you down for weapons."
"Fine," Heph said. "Just hang on a minute, okay?"
Heph pulled out his smartphone and clicked an application. The screen was immediately changed to that of a movie of a roaring fire in a fireplace. Over its tinny speaker, a romantic slow jam began to play. Heph set the phone down and put his hands on the inspection table, palms up.
"Okay, but be gentle. I am... shy."
The sound of a palm meeting a face resonated through the boarding area as the supervisor realized what he'd gotten himself into.
"Man, I should have worn clean boxers, too," Heph said. "Hey, you're buying me dinner after this, right? It's only fair."
"Just... just go on," the supervisor said.
"Oh no," Heph said. "My taxes pay for this, and by God I'm getting my taxpayer-supported bad touch! Now come on, Sparky, come get your grope on!" the big blue cyborg said.
"I... I don't want to, now," the supervisor said. "That's just gross."
"T-t-t-t-t-touch meeee," Heph sang, "I want to feel diiiiiirty!"
"No!" the supervisor said. "Just get on the plane! For the love of God, get on the plane!"
"I bet you don't want to shake hands with Little Heph because I'm a cyborg. Is that it?" Heph asked.
"Security!" the supervisor shouted into his radio. "Come escort this big blue lummox at Gate 17 to his plane. And hurry!"
"Racist," Heph muttered.
The security team escorted Heph to the plane to the applause of the crowd.
"Miss, please step through the gate," the screener said.
"But I'm with him," Munin said as she pointed to Heph.
"I should've taken the job at Up-N-Away Burger," the screener said.
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
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((I haven't forgotten "Serv'd!" but there's real life getting in the way in addition to fleshing out the next part of the story.))
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
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((Season 4, Episode 3, Part 1))
The show started with a view of St. Michael's Hospital in Toronto. Two medical technicians watched the readouts of Hephaestus 1's biopod. They still flickered, teasing at the idea that the big blue cyborg's remaining biological parts were still alive and intact. The older technician stretched in his office chair, then looked though his lab coat's chest pocket for a pen.
"Got another blip, Barry," the older tech said. "Note it on the log for me, will you?"
"Gotcha," the younger tech said as he wrote on the log. "Same vitals as last time?"
"Almost. I noticed something, though. The amount of burned-out nanites in our filtration chamber in increasing."
"Hmm. Means more of them are dying off. This is a good thing," the younger tech said.
"Oh yes, that's a very good thing," a voice familiar to "Serv'd!" fans said.
The two technicians turned around in awe. "The Mysterious Doctor Nambu! He's here!" they said in a disturbing unison.
The Mysterious Doctor Nambu had indeed arrived. "I apologize for not getting here sooner, but I was accosted at the border because I was carrying medical equipment on my battle armor. Odd that the armor itself wasn't questioned. Anyway, what do you have so far?"
The younger technician handed Heph's chart to Doctor Nambu. "For the longest time we weren't getting any burned-out nanites in the filtration chamber when we'd do a full flush and fill of his biogel," the tech said, referring to the bright chartreuse medium that transferred oxygen and nutrients to Heph's remaining biological parts. "Now we're getting more and more fragments of nanites and even full nanites that have burned out."
Doctor Nambu looked through the charts. "How recent are these electron microscope photos?"
"They're a day old."
"Can we draw off another sample of biogel from the filtration chamber? I'd like to see today's catch," the mad engineer said.
"At once, Doctor," the younger tech said.
Doctor Nambu's eyebrow raised over his glasses. The older tech gasped.
"I mean, at once, Mysterious Doctor Nambu!" the tech said, correcting himself.
"That's better," Doctor Nambu said with a subtle smile.
The older technician drew off a tiny drop of biogel and placed it into a laser microtome for sectioning, then placed each section into a chemical bath for final fixation for scanning. In a few minutes of work, the first sections pictures came through. Suspended in the biogel were nanite parts, what looked to be bits of broken protein chains, and molecule chains of the biogel medium.
"Hmm," Doctor Nambu said as the samples presented a better picture for him. "Can you isolate those protein fragments for me?"
"Immediately, Mysterious Doctor Nambu," the older tech said. "What's so important about them?"
"The nanites are either filled with arginine or phenylalanine, and they seem to be excreting isoleucine and leucine in their place."
"You can tell that by looking at them?" the older tech asked.
"People don't call me a genius because of my skills at ballroom dancing," Doctor Nambu said. "If I had to guess, these nanites are trying to cause Michael's hypthalamus to generate vasopressin and convert that into oxytocin. Basically they're forcing his brain into rapid aggressive states, then try to calm it into by saturating it with the resulting oxytocin. So he's shifting rapidly from anger to affection as the nanites convert the hormones to a new type."
"Wait. They're doing what?" the older tech sputtered. "But the difficulty required to do that is... well..."
"It's fully within the capabilities of Nemesis," Doctor Nambu said. "Unfortunately for Nemesis, his workers tire and break down eventually. Entropy is a harsh taskmaster."
"It sounds like Nemesis is trying to break this guy's spirit by rapid mood swings," the older tech said.
"More or less, yes. The oxytocin will make him more docile and willing to serve."
"Damn. So if this guy comes out of this alive, then what?" the younger tech asked.
"He's either going to want to kill everything around him, or he's going to want to cuddle in the way that only a full-body conversion cyborg can or somewhere in between," Doctor Nambu said. "It all depends on how much of each hormone is left in his system when the nanites are finally burned out."
The two technicians looked at each in varying amounts of horror, then back to Doctor Nambu.
"I'll make sure to call in sick that day," the younger tech said.
Doctor Nambu pulled out a computer slightly larger than a regular smartphone and began scribbling notes on it. "While you're planning your sick days, help me figure out a solution to the nanites' programming."
"Uhm, we're really not programming specialists," the older tech said.
Doctor Nambu smiled. "Then you're going to learn, my friends. Yes, you're going to learn."
The scene faded to commercial.
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
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((Season 4, Episode 3, Part 2))
The Mysterious Doctor Nambu and the two lab technicians sat in front of a monitor, watching real-time footage of the horde of Nemesis-built nanites rapidly trying to capture and disassemble a batch of nanites that Doctor Nambu had programmed himself. As each nanite was broken up, it injected a protein-chain code into the nanite, mutating it from the inside out. The mutated nanite would then search out other nanites for partial disassembly and reprogramming. Soon enough, the nanites were mutating their own kind into tiny machines no longer capable of converting Hephaestus 1's brain chemistry. Their only program now was to exit the cyborg's biopod through the filtration chamber like normal.
"I think we've solved the problem, gentlemen," the Mysterious Doctor Nambu said confidently. "Now to unleash a second batch of trapper nanites into his biogel and we should be set. I never thought I'd have to build a machine like that. Hopefully Norton or McAfee don't to copyright anti-brainwashing software suites any time soon."
The older technician shook his head. "I've seen everything now. How soon before we can rebuild this guy's body? His cybershell is looking kind of dusty."
"Once I can re-establish some kind of contact with Michael, he'll be ready to do his part in the rebuilding process. That will depend on how much of his biopod's operating system remains unaffected by Nemesis' attack," Doctor Nambu said with a shrug. "I may have to re-code this on the fly so I can add in new countermeasures."
"That sounds like a pain," the younger technician said.
"It is. I fear I will have to impose a little further upon both of you to help me," the mad engineer said.
"It's no imposition at all," the older technician said.
"Let's get to work, then."
In Paragon City, Agent Munin and the Paperwork Ninja sat at their desks, trying to get some of their latest challenges resolved.
"That's the sixth sponsor we've lost. All we have is an auto company and a local gun shop. The beer companies won't come back and the networks are refusing even their basic sponsorship ad packages," Munin said.
"I know," the Paperwork Ninja said. "We haven't even been able to get the local minor league teams to bite, either. I guess this is it, then. The show's going to fold."
"Maybe. Have a little faith, okay?" Munin asked. "Heph will think of something once he gets back."
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
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((I don't know if I will do this for all of my characters, but I really loved this one, even though I didn't rp with her that much. For those of you who read it, and those of you who read my stories over the past 8 years, thank you for your your encouragement. You don't how much it's meant to me. 
))
Anola
Anola Dean waited at the bus depot and tried to ignore the stares of the strangers who had not been inside the War Walls, who were only passing through on their way to somewhere else, for whom Paragon City was still largely a myth -- a land of make-believe that drew so many superheroes to it that there were hardly any left for the rest of the country. Anola figured that most of them had never seen a single superhero fly over or run fast at blazing speed. She felt for sure that most of them had never seen a lizard girl.
One bag was all she had, a carry-on. In it was everything she had amassed in her three years away from home. A couple of outfits for when she shed her scales, a memento or two of her adventures, and a handful of postcards. The rest of her baggage was in the form of memories.
She hadn't said goodbye. She hadn't gone to Borderwalker Investigations to say goodbye to Robin. She hadn't gone to the coffee shop in Founders to say goodbye to Trey. She hadn't called her friend Tami or visited her to let her know where she was going. She hadn't even gone to find Whaley, even though they had been dating. He was hard to find even in the best of circumstances, and she just didn't have the time.
The news had been hard. She had cried the entire weekend. She had cried when she had been told that Longbow couldn't teleport her to Missouri like they had before because their resources were being allocated elsewhere. She had cried when she realized she couldn't afford to fly out. She was almost ready to cry now.
Her mom was dying.
All of the superheroic things Anola had done since she had left home; all the battles she had fought; all the evil she had vanquished... She was facing something now that she couldn't beat. The cancer was too far advanced. Even the best healer she knew wouldn't be able to help her. Magic, maybe? she thought, as she had often thought over the past couple of days. No, magic always extracts a price.
Anola looked out the door, back toward the City of Heroes. She had only seen it from outside the War Walls once, the day she had first arrived, a child of fifteen. She was going home a young woman. Her mom was proud of her. During their daily phone calls, her mom had always ended with, "I'm so proud of you." And Anola would reply, "I'm so proud of you too, Mom."
Her bus was ready to leave. The announcement to board was made and Anola carried her bag and tried to ignore the stares. A woman and a little girl walked hand in hand ahead of her. The little girl looked back and smiled. Anola smiled back, realizing she was going home to hold her own mother's hand one last time.
As the bus pulled away and Paragon City faded into the twilit horizon, Anola couldn't stop looking, couldn't stop watching for a flying figure to rise into the sky, even when the city was long out of sight.
Endings shouldn't come so sudden, she thought. The people you love should always -- always -- be there. She leaned her head on the window and closed her eyes.
The bus from Paragon City carried her away into the night.
((I just want to say thank you to the people who have read my stories over the years. Though your taste in literature might be questionable, the nature of your characters is not. I wish success for all of you. Long life, true love, and good health. May we meet again in another life. (I mean like virtual life -- you know, another game or something. )
And now I think that's all the goodbyes I want to do. So... last post.
I <3 you Virtue. ))
((Episode 2! Part 1))
The cameras faded in from the opening credits as Hephaestus 1 and another Hephaestus-class cyborg sat at Heph's desk. The other cyborg was a two-tone deep blue and silver and was wearing civilian clothes, notably a hockey sweater with the last name "Fuhr" on the back.
"Look, Mick," the other cyborg said, "You're on your way to Montreal, so there's three things to remember: Francophones, Hockey, and Strippers."
"Gotcha, Lucky. And you're here to get me up to speed on hockey?"
"Man, I had to get you up to speed on National League baseball!" Lucky said with a grin in his voice.
"Right, right, all hail Albert Pujols," Heph said. "He's no Frank Thomas."
Lucky's antennae lowered a bit, much like how a cat's ears will flatten when angered. "I'm going to pretend you didn't say that and still help you with your first steps as a hockey fan. Now, did you go over the notes I sent you? Since you'll be in Montreal on Opening Day, you need to at least be able to pay your respects to the sport."
"Yeah. But you had so much in there about doing something physically impossible to Detroit that I kind of skimmed over the rest."
"You read the part about the quiz, right?" Lucky asked.
"Quiz?" Heph said in surprise.
Lucky nodded. "Question 1: What is Patrick Roy known for?"
Heph scratched his metal chin. "Uh... he's known for this castle not being his?"
There was a clanging noise as metal palm met metal face. "You did not just say that. You did NOT just say that!" Lucky regained his composure. "Okay, question two: This former player is now known in the United States for his chain of doughnut shops."
"Stan Mikita!" Heph said proudly.
Lucky just stared at Heph.
"Okay, TIm Horton," Heph said sheepishly. "Next!"
"Question three: Which town in Western Canada has produced the greatest number of players with the last name of Sutter?"
Heph shrugged. "Uh, that'd be the... uh, The Village Hidden in the Crease!"
Nearby, the Paperwork Ninja spewed coffee on his computer monitor and swore enough to create a steady stream of bleeping from the censors. Lucky looked over into the Paperwork Ninja's cubicle.
"Gotta problem, Papes?" Lucky asked.
"No! No problem! No NOPSEC violations or anything! No problems at all!" the Paperwork Ninja said, trying to clean off his monitor.
"Right, man," Lucky said as he turned back to Heph. "Okay, Question four: Which Hall of Fame goalie has the nickname 'Jake the Snake'?"
"Oh! I got this one! It's uh... Jake... uh... Jacob Iforgothisnamerman..." Heph said, trailing off.
"Cryin' on the inside here, Mick," Lucky said.
"Sorry," Heph said. "I just thought your notes wouldn't have so much vitriol directed towards Detroit."
"Question 5: Explain the 2005 Collective Bargaining Agreement in ten words or less," Lucky said.
"Hey now! I was told there would be no math," Heph said in annoyance.
Lucky nodded. "That's ten words exactly. Okay, you're one for five, Mick."
"I didn't get credit for TIm Horton?"
"No."
"You're harsh, Lucky."
"Hockey is harsh, Mick. It's unforgiving."
"Like the 2004 Red Sox?" Heph said with a snarky tone in his voice.
Lucky sat there at the desk in silence.
"Lucky? Come on, man... I was just joking around."
"I should have expected as much from a Cubs fan," Lucky said.
"Hey! That's just dirty pool, mister!" Heph shot back.
"It could be worse, Lucky," the Paperwork Ninja said. "He could have mentioned the 1985 Royals."
"Y'all askin' for it," Lucky said. "Just sayin'. Anyway, you've got a couple of days before Opening Day. Get to studying."
Heph leaned back in his reinforced chair. "You've got me studying hockey while I need to go over my presentation to that new military unit that's forming in Montreal, Task Force JFL. Just lovely."
"How did you get picked to teach a military unit?" Lucky asked.
"They got some video of my presentation to RCMP cadets about keeping a sense of humor when dealing with stressful situations. The next thing I know I've got a letter from the Ministry of Defence asking me to give the presentation to a group called 'Task Force JFL' based out of Montreal," Heph said. "I figured I should accept since it's the neighborly thing to do."
Lucky and the Paperwork Ninja looked at each other much in the way that two people show that they're both keeping the same secret from a third.
"I still don't understand why you're taking both me and Munin on this mission, Mick. I've got a wife and kids at home," the Paperwork Ninja said.
"I'll need you to navigate through any bureaucratic troubles we might have in Montreal. Besides, don't you speak French, Papes?"
"About as well as Brian Gionta," the Paperwork Ninja said.
Lucky choked back a laugh. "Yeah, you're so ready for Montreal, Mick."
"Well, if all else fails, we'll wing it, Lucky," Heph said. "The only decision now is whether to wear the jersey that the entire Blackhawks team signed for me or the Chris Chelios Retro jersey I got cheap when I arrive in Canada."
"*BLEEP* DETROIT!" Lucky shouted as if by reflex.
The scene faded to commercial.
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
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