TerminusEst13

I don't think I've ever laughed so hard as I have before, watching MST3K. I'll have to see if I can get DVDs with subtitles, though, since it's hard to make out what they're saying sometimes.

Anyway.

Suggested by a friend, @VolcanoStyle. I was considering doing this another time, but I like him and this enough that I figured I'd do it now. Also, my main typing hand was horribly mangled this week, so sorry about the brevity and lack of teh funnay.
I'll be funnier once my hand heals, promise. Cross my heart. XOXOXO

VENGANCE
Playthrough Cohorts: @VolcanoStyle, @Tomanton, @Crasical, @ExiledAlice
Arc ID: 25292
Morality:
Description: There is a king known as Count Dracula. He ruled with fear and respect, but there is one. One who seeks his power the one they call Alucard
Characters Used: Argorath (Elec Melee/Energy Aura), Mondlicht (Bane Spider)

This is a bit of an exception for Zero Stars. See, mechanically and technically, this arc is fine. It's not stellar, of course, and any other reviewer would probably give it a terrible rating, but this is probably the first arc where I've got very few qualms with the technical aspect of how things are supposed to go.
The story, on the other hand? Utter baaaaalls. Earlier in this thread, there was talk about finding a "bad, yet good" arc. I'd vote this probably fits that perfectly! It's terrible, but in a way that makes it so campy. It's hilarious, even though none of the laughs come intentionally. Best of all, it's a blast to go through with friends, preferably while drunk and just after watching Twilight.

The arc opens with an anime-haired girl named SARA (I'd like to know how to pronounce the capitals), who informs me in the most distraught manner possible that her family has been killed and her sister taken hostage! Oh no! She's going to be killed by vampires! Why kill her later instead of now, when they killed all her other family now, is unfortunately left unexplained. Who can understand the feral mind of a vampire?
After you accept the mission, she informs you again to please save her sister, as if it was so unclear beforehand. If didn't you didn't tell us, girl, I think I'd've wandered the entire abandoned warehouse map without any clue how to go about it!
Unfortunately, this is basically the point of the plot for two of the three missions--SARA's sister, the significantly less capitalized "Clair", apparently keeps running off for vengeance for getting captured and keeps getting captured. This is only going to keep racking her debt up. Strangely enough, around her every time in every mission, the mob is always vomiting profusely. Maybe they're just as sick of having her as I am of rescuing her. And the funny thing is, after I rescue her the first time, the system text is "Find the boss and stop this from happening again".
SWELL JOB I DO WITH THAT, EH?

The enemies are all of the group "vamps", which I take objection to since none of them are beautiful and this certainly ain't an opera. All of them are also overly fond of black, which goes to show you that once you turn undead, you're only allowed to have one color in your wardrobe. Possibly three, including red and grey/gray/greih/grahhaugh/cheese.
Either way, these creatures are a menagerie of terrible. They've got the mandatory bad powerset picks (Necromancy/Pain Domination is NOT MISMATCHED AT ALL) and worse costumes, but what really takes the cake is their text. Both their in-mission dialogue and bios are so absolutely peppered with quoteable quotes; from their bios ("No longer rotting. There is beauty in the undead, so for me to be pretty again .You must die."), to their wandering dialogue ("Blood AAHHHHHHHHH"), to their combat text ("why do you kill me."), every single word is taken straight from bad gothic fantasy novels.
Written by a 21-year-old amateur.
With dyslexia.
And ADD.
And a sliced hand.
...
That isn't me.
My favorite is the Elite Boss in mission 2, whose bio is cut off. "I am the best One day I will".
He must've been midway through editing it until you came along.
You jerk.

Along the way, you'll also find groups of werewolves fighting against the vampires, for no other reason than because werewolf versus vampire is the gothic version of ninja versus pirate. The werewolves are all Mace/Shield, which makes sense because I know every wolf in the wild has used a big hunk of steel to protect itself while beating up other creatures with a metal pipe. This all culminates in the final mission, where you get a wolf EB to act as your ally. He says he would eat you, but he doesn't feel like it.
Man, he's so hardcore. I'm terrified of my theoretically getting eaten if he felt like it.



Story-wise, none of the missions link together at all logically, and so you're just jumping around areas for the hell of it. You go from an abandoned warehouse to a sewer to an Arachnos base, and while the clues indicate some sort of progress, there's never any sort of information that talks about what this progress is, why you're beating up vampires, what their motivations are, or why all this even began. Why are they screaming like crazed junkies? Maybe they're selling Backstreet Boys CDs, I dunno. Actually, that would also explain why almost all of them are girls!
Oh God. Vampire yaoi fangirls.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
The werewolves? Their inclusion is also entirely without explanation. They don't even have descriptions, unlike all of the other NPCs. While at least the vampires had quoteable quotes, the werewolves just languish in obscurity as "there for the hell of it".
I get that vampires are nice and generic enemies to use, much like Nazis, zombies, or demons--but that doesn't just mean you can slap them in, put a sign above that says "THEY'RE EVIL, KILL THESE GUYS" and expect players to go ahead without any questions. It's fine for parody, but even good parodies (like LaserJesus' Drakule arcs) have backstory that fill you in and tell you why to do these things.

Writing is not as easy an occupation as people think. People think that if you string a lot of letters together, you have a sentence. If you string a lot of sentences together, you have a paragraph. If you make a lot of paragraphs, you have writing. Since anyone with a basic grasp of English can make a lot of sentences, logically, anyone can be a writer, right?
Wrong.
Writing is a lot more than just hammering out a lot of sentences. Continuity, flow, and characterization are some of the hardest aspects of writing for anyone to grasp, and yet are the most frequently attempted aspects of writing. Anyone who roleplays, anyone who makes fanfiction, anyone who makes an original character for an established series, anyone who makes a concept character on an MMO, these people all attempt it.
But it takes a lot of work to go from being bad to good, and far more to go from being good to great. And the changes are always so subtle, too...it's usually very hard to tell what makes a great writer "great", as opposed to being just "good".
Though, on the other end, it's very easy to tell when a work is neither of these. It's easy to tell when a writing is bad.
And this?
This is just laughable.



JERK MOVES: -3 (WP minions on Hard! Mind Control LTs! EBs in every damn mission! Classy)
INCOHERENCY: -5 (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)
IRRITATION: -2 (Not only does Clair needs a damn leash, but Lord La Varde needs to NOT be Super Reflexes)
COMPLETABLE: -2 (Completeable by many ATs, as long as you can take on EBs)

FINAL ANGRY METER: -1

As I said, this arc is more laughable. Not really anger material. It's storming with clichés and genericism to a level that borders on self-parody. It takes itself way too seriously, and the dialogue is downright embarassing. Of all the Zero Star arcs I've reviewed, I have yet to review, and I'm not sure I want to review, this is probably the only arc I actually suggest people play. It's hilariously bad. It's so bad it's good, and yet all the while it's still bad.
Maybe it's fitting that this review was the one I was introduced to MST3K in. I'd love to see somebody do a play-by-play mockery of this, making fun of all the dialogue, maps, and events in proper MST3K-style. It's certainly got the camp, and it's certainly well and open to mockability.

The "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" alone is priceless.





SUPER SPECIAL SECRET NEXT ARC REVIEW PREVIEW:
Arc Name: All that bad?
Arc ID: 38364
Quick Review: Rikti do not work that way!

You guys want Ice to look like Ice, yes, but that shouldn't trump everyone's potential concepts.
So a couple people will abuse it. They're a minority. Not every person wants to be flinging ice--some people, yes, want to fling emeralds or rubies.

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
A softcapped /Nin Stalker has more staying power than any /SR Scrapper, with slightly lower DDR but alot more toys to play with (including a burst self heal)

[/ QUOTE ]

Interesting. How would you guys rate the damage capabilities of a Stalker vs Scrapper (on teams and solo)? Haven't heard many Stalkers soloing AV's, myself.

[/ QUOTE ]

I have never solo'd an AV on any Scrapper before. I'm really just not a badass dude.
My sole Stalker (Claws/Nin) could solo Mynx on a team, in the mid 30s, keeping her occupied while everyone else had died and was returning to the mission. Got her down a quarter health. With SOs only, no IOs or anything.

Ultimus, never change.

Ever.

See topic. Girlfriend knows all about the badass Blasters and Scrappers that can solo AVs with their dong while doing the macarena to Rick Astley in the background, but her favorite classes are the Controller and Defender.

So, she'd like to know--is it possible to solo AVs, not scaled-down EBs, as a Controller? If so, what would be good powersets to do it with?

See topic. Girlfriend knows all about the badass Blasters and Scrappers that can solo AVs with their dong while doing the macarena to Rick Astley in the background, but her favorite classes are the Controller and Defender.

So, she'd like to know--is it possible to solo AVs, not scaled-down EBs, as a Defender? If so, what would be good powersets to do it with?

I'm glad you guys are enjoying this!
I have never seen or heard a single MST3K in my life, though, so I'm afraid the resemblance is unintentional.

...

I'm missing out on a lot, aren't I?

Erm.
Sorry, but AE arcs are all simulations. Period.

Doesn't matter whether you pretend they're real or whether the author writes that they're real; lore-wise, every single one of them is a simulation.
Sure, it's nice to act like they're actual missions given by actual contacts, but that doesn't mean they are.

SomethingAwful, for the record, is not as unmoderated as /b/.

I'm assuming Brown is relapsed to the Dark Fire colors.

Don't worry, you'll have poo fire.

I'd like to see an AT-less system, so I can have a character with a ranged blast and a melee weapon, or summoning pets while mezzing the opposition.

Something that will never ever happen for a thousand years in CoH/V, unfortunately, but it's a nice pipe dream.

Personally, I saw it as a "What If?" side issue from the main comic series.

What If...Paragon Wasn't Actually Real?

Kickass.
A bunch of people have sent me suggestions for terrible arcs, and my list of arcs to play through have shot through the roof. I've got a nice queue of terrible arcs to go through, now, so I won't be missing another update for a while. Thanks, you guys. You rock. \m/
This first one was suggested up by LaserJesus again. This man is a man after my own heart.

SAVE GOLDIE LOCKS
Playthrough Cohorts: @Crasical
Arc ID: 110798
Morality: Heroic
Description: Stop the Baldy Locks from taking over Atlas Park City Hall. Mission is considered Hard to Extreme.
Characters Used: Mondlicht (Bane Spider), Redentore (Radiation Blast/Dark Miasma), Argorath (Elec Melee/Energy Aura)

I'm no metrosexual, but I do love my hair. It's long, brown, and quite fluffy. A lot of people love their hair, really. It's hairy. And loving. And warm.
Or maybe they don't. I don't know. Maybe their hair is a sentient being tied to Nyarlathotep, with strands that reach into the very atoms of existance and need their damn shampoo done JUST RIGHT or otherwise they'll cry.
The contact is apparently one of those people that hate hair. It all opens up with an author avatar in a very tight shirt and pants, with a gigantic smirk on his face at having gotten rid of his hair and saved the Earth from eternal damnation. You go, hero! His next words, however, give me cause to balk. The Blady Locks, the legendary ne'er-do-wells of Atlas Park, are attempting to take over Atlas Park's City Hall! I'm assuming they're using their incredibly oversized Blady Blades! Oh no, the ruthlessness! The cunning! The VILLAINY! They've also somehow managed to get inside of the blimp in Atlas, despite how it has no hit detection and everyone just slides off and falls to the ground and AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SPLAT, and loaded it with bombs so that if things start going wrong...THEY'LL DRIVE IT INTO ATLAS PARK.
AT 6 MILES AN HOUR.
OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDD, IT'S THE END OF THE ENTIRE DAMN ZONE.

Why are they doing it, again?
I'unno.
GO STOP THEM.
OKAY.

Interesting thing about that is that the mission is apparently timed at about an hour. This may seem like a lot of time, but it really isn't. The office map is incredibly huger than the hugest huge, and the irritating AVs, which I'll go into later, really take up a lot of time.
Upon entering the mission, you're told that this is where you went to pay a lot of fines and tickets, and now it doesn't seem fair that you have to save it.
This is really funny!
See, because it's supposed to be a joke!
It was something that mildly inconvenienced you, and now you have to save it!
Hah! Hah hah! Hah hah! Hah! Hah hah hah! SO FUNNY.
Then again, I don't have much space to be talking about comedy, do I?

The objectives are simple. Contrary to the author avatar's information, which puts a big question upon his status as an author avatar, the enemy group is the Baldy Locks instead of the Blady Locks, and now my entire life is in question. I need to take care of Mr. Baldy, Mr. Baldy's twin, and grab eight copies of the blimp plans--why they need eight copies of the thrilling mastermind scheme of "LOAD BOOMS INTO BLIMP, DRIVE REALLYYYYY FASTTTTTT NYEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR" is beyond me.
Maybe they're forgetful.
Not many enemies are scattered around, maybe five different types total. All of them, however, are terribly designed and terribly written. The bosses, "Barbers", will take a little off of your top--by means of Fire Blast/Energy Blast, both of which with Aim. The minions, "Terminal Baldness" are Axe/Inv vampiric elves that "will make sure you're 'bald' when they're through with you", in a euphemism that makes me wonder about the implications of why they're so invulnerable to damage to excell at it. "Baldy Groom" is an Ice Blast/Willpower minion, who was apparently late to some random wedding and the father lopped his top because of it. "Mr. Baldness", an LT, is Energy Blast/Energy Manipulation and looks like a Shaolin monk--both of which on EXTREEEEEEME, so you get Nova, Build Up, Power Boost, Aim, and Total Focus. "Bridal Baldness is the Fire Melee/Psychic Blast wife of "Baldy Groom", and thinks he abandoned her. Why she thinks that when he's right next to her in the same spawn is beyond me. Maybe he's a clone of the one she was marrying. Maybe it's an epidemic--grooms abandoning their brides at the altar and then being forced to shave all their hair off at gunpoint by the angry father. Or maybe I'm thinking about this too much.
None of the NPCs have any text, as you'll note as you trek through this, which gives you leave to provide your own story. Why does being bald allow someone great evil prowess? Why is this place special enough to be overtaken? Why do they think they can crash a blimp into the hall on the ground and not get stopped by the billions of other heroes there, the numerous obsctructions in the way, the lack of speed, or the basic laws of physics?
I guess the simple answer to this all is that hair is God, lack of it is evil. Considering my massively-receding hairline despite still being a young lad, I suppose this means I'm going to convert to Satanism.

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR:
LET'S IMAGINE THE DIALOGUE FOR THE AUTHOR!

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

Baldy Groom: I'll see their trial first. Bring in the evidence. Mr. Baldness! Thou robed man of justice, take thy place. Terminal Baldness! Thou, his yoke-fellow of equity, bench by his side. And YOU, terrible Goneril who looks suspiciously like a safe, are o' the accused. Sit you too!
Safe With Plans: ...
Mr. Baldness: Let us deal justly. Sleepest or wakest thou, jolly shepherd? Thy sheep be in the corn; And for one blast of thy minikin mouth, Thy sheep shall take no harm. Pur! the cat is gray.
Terminal Baldness: What the hell did you just say.
Baldy Groom: Arraign her first; 'tis lowly Goneril. I here take my oath before this honourable assembly, she kicked the poor king--her own miserable father!
Safe With Plans: ...
Terminal Baldness: Come hither, mistress. Is your name Goneril?
Safe With Plans: ...
Baldy Groom: She cannot deny it.
Terminal Baldness: Cry you mercy, I took you for a safe!
Mondlicht: DOO DEE DOO, I AM CURRENTLY RAIDING THE SAFE.
Safe With Plans: OBJECTION!
Baldy Groom: And here's another, whose warp'd looks proclaim What store her heart is made on. Stop her there! Arms, arms, sword, fire!
Mondlicht: 'Kay. BANG BANG BANG BANG. [bang]
Baldy Groom: [dying] Corruption in the place! False justicer, why hast thou let her 'scape? [dies]
Mr. Baldness: Bless thy five wits! [dies]
Terminal Baldness: I don't really appear after this, do I? [dies]
Safe With Plans: I only wanted to be loved! [dies]



As you continue to trudge forth, your willpower exceeding only the luscious locks on your crown, you'll eventually come across two AVs, the aforementioned Mr. Baldy and Mr. Baldy's twin.
Both of them hate you, and you will learn to hate them; partially because of their hate for you and you're just reciprocating, and partially because they're [censored] damn [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] who [censored] [censored] and [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] with [censored] [censored] [censored] and [censored] [censored] to [censored] with a rusty spoon! I mean, [censored]!
Illusion Control is one of the most varied Controller powersets out there, with a Confuse (which very few people resist), a pet that does only Fear (which very few people also resist), a multitude of pets (only one of which is actually injurable). Combine this with Willpower, which I ranted about earlier, providing incredible defenses as well as massive amounts of +HP, and you've got an incredibly tough monstrosity that can mentally castrate you quicker than "accidentally" stumbling in on the Fortunata's dressing rooms. And no amount of Stealth can save you from their +Perception, Stalker.
The author intentionally chose this combination to be bastardly, I'm assuming--throughout the entire fight, the AVs will constantly degrade you and boast about how awesome they are...and even if you beat them, they insist on a rematch! Yes, I sure like being beaten around with a gigantic dong; allow me to quit this arc, load it up again, and fight through hordes of silent enemies that I put entirely inappropriate dialogues into to stave off the boredom.

BUT WAIT! What was this about Goldie Locks? That's the point of the mission after all, right? It was even in the title!
Yeah, she's just a random hostage after you beat the twins, an afterthought of an entire trek of terrible. A tiny mob spawn holds her, and once you beat it all, the mission's over. An anti-climax if there ever was one--at least the other friggin' arcs had a Defeat All Enemies or overpowered ambushes to mix things up a bit.
This? You don't even get a satisfying conclusion.

Maybe I should take up drinking. That'd be a satisfying conclusion.
Actually, I think there's a beer in the fridge.
Brb.



JERK MOVES: -4 (Good God, Illusion Control/Willpower is terrible enough by itself. But TWO?!)
INCOHERENCY: -4 (None of the NPCs, or even the story itself, have any basis in logic or even plausibility. The lack of text or attempts to flesh the story out come as more of a mercy than a punishment)
IRRITATION: -3 (Aside from the AVs, the glowies have the maximum time limit set to them, the map is quite huge, you'll only complete it with time to spare if you stealth through, and the title character is only an afterthought)
COMPLETABLE: -3 (Defense builds will have trouble with all the Build Up and Aim going around, and only the most specialized builds will stand against Mr. Baldy and his twin. Combine this with a very low time limit, and you've got a very difficult to complete arc. Only reason it doesn't get higher is because not all of the enemies are terrible)

FINAL ANGRY METER: -5

LaserJesus really has a habit of picking out the rotten eggs. He advertised this as an isle of poo whilst I was adrift in the ocean of sparkling pure sanctity, looking for more poo so I could muck around in it, and he delivered.
It all weaves together into a tapestry of torment, and not a single moment goes by while you're in this arc in which SOMETHING is assailing your senses.

Is it as bad as the Uniocracy of Gray? No. In fact, I think nothing is as bad as the Uniocracy of Gray Part 2.
Is it as mind-shattering as the REALMS OF PAIN? No, and I hate you for bringing that up again. Now I'm going to cry. No, no, don't hold me, I don't need your sympathy.
But is it terrible? Yes. And nothing's going to change that.

For the record, if this is what being bald is like, I'm taking some friggin' vitamins to see if I can keep my hair.




SUPER SECRET NEXT ARC REVIEW PREVIEW:

VENGANCE - 25292
Summary: Fight Prince Alucard and his unending swarms of vampires.
Quick Review: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[ QUOTE ]
Oh, and I do enjoy having fun. So much so that I take fun very seriously. Entertainment is far too important to be mindless.

[/ QUOTE ]

Tell me more.

And even if we wrote farm arcs, people would just be farming Behemoths anyway.

Rad/Dark is pretty awesome. It gives you a little bit of everything. While it doesn't excel in anything except AoE, it's got a whole pool of tricks so you can keep doing any one thing decently enough for quite some time.

Debuffs? Sure, I can handle that. Darkest Night, Tar Patch, Fearsome Stare.
Off-Tanking? Well, if you insist. Lots of -ToHit from Darkest Night and Fearsome Stare, and I combined Shark Skin, Shadow Fall, and Tough together--and if I get into trouble, I can just Hibernate.
Mezzing? Sure, okay. Dark Servant provides some great mezzes of his own, but I've also got a hold, stuns, and a fear.
Off-Blasting? Now you're talking.

[ QUOTE ]
When was the last time any of you people lauding the dominator changes ran any SF?Please describe your experience now versus pre revamp. Are dominator's more sought for teaming?Just curious......

[/ QUOTE ]

I lead SFs kinda frequently, and Doms are the first thing I look for.

Which leads to a lot of surprised Doms, I've noticed.

Story and gameplay are two sides of the same coin. Gameplay shouldn't ever effect the storytelling, and storytelling shouldn't ever effect the gameplay.

If one is hampering the other, something needs to go back to the drawing board.

[ QUOTE ]
What, you can't eyeball it?

Goofballs.

[/ QUOTE ]

Nope.

I'm blind, see.

I'm finding it strange that some people are going on about broadswords being thematically inappropriate...
...then going on about how they wanted Shields.

Wut?

I dress my characters as according to their personality.
If a lass of mine is confident and likes being sexy, she'll be a little skimpy. If a lad of mine wants to turn heads, he usually goes shirtless and/or tight leather pants. If a gal is more practical and/or shy, she goes head-to-toe in clothing. If a guy is humble and/or less focused on impressing ladies, he decks himself in full shirt, pants, and jacket.

If a person doesn't like it, it's my character. Not theirs.
What people say my gender/sexual orientation/sexual activity is means nothing to me. I play how I want to play.
The internet's opinion of me isn't exactly something that keeps me up at night.

Why reroll? Well, unless you can provide me with a way to have two characters with the same name, I'm afraid that's going to be the why, sir!

Aside from that, though, thank you all very much for the info. Looks like a reroll to /WP will do just fine. Now to respec and hand all his stuff over to his new incarnation.
Wish I could get Mid's to work.

Wait, it doesn't?

I got bored and started running comparisons between existing MA power animations and other melee power animations--whether they made sense for punching/attacking or not.
Though there's a chance that BAB will make new animations or adjust existing animations, I figure this would give us a halfway decent idea of what to expect for animation customization.



SHORT-ISH

THUNDER KICK: 0.83s
STORM KICK: 0.83s
Energy Punch: 0.83s
Follow Up: 0.83s
Smite: 0.97s
Power Thrust/Scorch: 1.00s
Shockwave: 1.00s
Jab/Boxing: 1.07s
Focus/Strike: 1.17s


MEDIUM-ISH

CRIPPLING AXE KICK: 1.60s
COBRA STRIKE: 1.67s
CRANE KICK: 1.67s
DRAGON'S TAIL: 1.67s
Punch: 1.20s
Hand Clap: 1.23s
Clobber: 1.23s
Barrage/Swipe: 1.33s
Parry: 1.33s
Beheader/Hack/Slash: 1.33s
Chop/Bash: 1.33s
Haymaker/Bonesmasher/Cremate: 1.50s
Gash/Pulverize: 1.50s
Jacob's Ladder: 1.67s
Disembowel/Swoop: 1.80s
Jawbreaker: 1.83s
Kick: 1.83s
Siphon Life: 1.93s
Slice/Pendulum/Crowd Control: 2.00s
Foot Stomp: 2.10s


LONG-ISH

EAGLE'S CLAW: 2.53s
KO Blow: 2.23s
Head Splitter/Cleave/Shatter/Greater Fire Sword: 2.33s
Whirling Hands: 2.50s
Energy Transfer: 2.67s
Fire Sword Circle/Whirling Sword/Whirling Mace/Whirling Axe: 2.67s
Total Focus: 3.30s

I'm happy.

I always wanted a Dom that could subtly shatter your mind to pieces with just a couple waves of his hand, and then much less subtly break your body with a [censored] hammer.