Samuel_Tow

This is something of a surprising concern for me that I just became aware when my SR Stalker got high enough to start thinking about passives: Stalker Super Reflexes doesn't have Lucky. Does this mean my passive resistances are two thirds of what a SR Scrapper gets? Moreover, does that mean I'll be more vulnerable to AoEs? Isn't that kind of counter-productive to what Stalkers do, the AoE defence thing? I mean, even Hide has, like, a 40% AoE defence buff when hidden.

I'm hoping either Dodge or... What was the other passive called, the ranged one? I'm hoping either one will have double the scaling resistances, or otherwise both will have some more to make up. But this just seems... Odd. I know Stalkers give up protection for being Stalkers, but I always thought this would be in terms of overall numbers, rather than in terms of missing chunks.

I'm not preaching doom, mind you, it's just... Surprising.

I use Smoke Flash a lot, and consider it a great power. It doesn't Hide you, but it does placate all enemies it catches, allowing you to break line of sight. If enemies can't see you when they "wake up," they won't aggro on you, allowing you to break an encounter, re-hide and attack with the element of surprise all over again.

At least try the power. It's very useful, unless you prefer to scrap on your Stalkers a lot.

I've always maintained that most of the problems Stalkers face come from how the game system forces them to do things they're not designed for and how unwieldy their gimmick is to utilize. Brutes get extra damage for attacking and taking damage, which you're gonna' be doing a lot of even if you fall asleep at the keyboard mid-combat. Stalkers get a lot of Hidden criticals, and a LOT of damage from that direction... And yet the entire game conspires to destroy your chance to do utilize that.

Assassin's Strike is an easy target. It's a great attack... When it works. Unfortunately, leveraging Assassin's Strike hinges on both your hidden status and not being interrupted, as well as being able to actually REACH a static unaware target. Take a stroll around Cap Au Diable and the Goldbrickers will remind you why that isn't always the case.

To my mind, the central problem with Stalkers is that they are designed as Scrappers with critical damage, intended to do a few criticals and then scrap the rest of the encounter. I mean, yes, you CAN run away and sit on your hands for eight seconds, but then you lose far more sustained damage than that odd critical will get you, if you even get it. You can try to run away and assassinate, but you'll most likely be interrupted. You can try running WAY away until you lose all aggro, but that makes encounters so damn slow it's not even worth discussing as a spawn-to-spawn tactic. You want to keep Hiding and keep striking from Hide, but the game seems intentionally designed to trip you up in stupid ways. Even more stupid if your set doesn't provide you high levels of defence.

In my opinion, a true Stalker should fight like Sam Fisher as he does in Splinter Cell: Conviction. That is to say, get into a fight, disappear from view, circle around the enemy, strike, fight some more and disappear again. The game should ENCOURAGE Stalkers to keep disappearing, if necessary the entire time. It should not be build around preventing them from doing so. A Stalker shouldn't WANT to sit down and scrap because everything else is a waste of time and a crapshot, to boot.

Right now as I solo, I keep facing the same situation - I assassinate and one-shot one target, placate and one-shot another target, and now I'm left with three other targets shooting at me. What do I do? I could run and hide behind a crate, blindsiding one enemy who comes running around, likely not for full health, and THEN what? Run and hide again? Maybe if I had an hour to spare. Or, I can do what I usually do, and just scrap it out with the remaining few targets, precisely like a Scrapper would. If I had Smoke Flash, I would find it a lot easier to escape, re-hid and re-assassinate, but I don't, not on Super Reflexes.

But what to do?

The in-game AI isn't good enough to make line of sight matter, so that's out of the question. Making Stalker Hide suppress to only 35 or 50 feet (as opposed to 0 feet) would help the Stalker pick his fights more easily and possibly not engage entire spawns if that were the point. Shortening Assassin's Strike's interrupt window (or removing it) to make it more usable in combat or from "around the corner" ambushes would probably help, but people will probably cry foul. Shortening the Hide timer when you're out of line of sight of all enemies would be great, though it's probably impossible to do. I really don't know. As long as Placate is single-target, does it really hurt to have a shorter timer for it?

I don't want to PREVENT Stalkers from Scrapping, not at all. In fact, I have nothing against going through your attack chain once per "appearance." But what I want to encourage Stalkers to do is want to move and break line of sight. That's how these types of characters fight in the movies - take a few swings, dive out of sight and then hit 'em from behind while they're unloading their clips on your last known position.

*edit*
You know what bugs me the most? Stalkers feel like they're designed to thin the herd and pick off enemies one at a time, and YOU CAN'T! As soon as you assassinate, you become visible FROM SPACE. Everyone in the god damn room will see you and take pot shots at you, and even the people who may have otherwise been unaware will be hit with that fear effect and aggro on you anyway. And the best part is that you can't pull. If you attack to pull, you break hide and make assassinating almost impossible, but if you don't pull, then you have to assassinate from where people across the Atlantic will know you just murdered somebody.

I don't know what can be done about this. Not-fully-suppressing Hide seems like a good choice, but for pulling... Giving Stalkers a taunt is just a bad idea... Isn't it? I mean, I know Solid Snake had that "knock on the wall to make the guard come see and then break his neck" shtick, so maybe a taunt that doesn't break Hide? Or maybe some kind of summonable decoy that dies in one hit but taunts enemies to it when deployed? I don't know, it just needs... Something.

Wait, what am I missing here? I don't see these things on Test. How have people played them?

#Audio log entry: 5 / Date: Redacted

Aw, man... Yeah, I know I said I’d do another one of these, like, “tomorrow,” but it’s been hectic as all hell around here. Took me... Sheesh, I don’t even remember. Let’s see... Huh? Why doesn’t this thing show dates? Larry, why doesn’t my audio recorder show dates? *inaudible voice* No, it doesn’t! It just says “Redacted!” *inaudible voice* What security issues? Who gives a damn about when I... You know what, never mind! *inaudible voice* I said never mind! Geez. Oh, crap, now he’ll feel guilty. Ugh... I’ll go see him later.

Anyway, things have been really hectic here. Pandala’s been, like, my best friend ever, and she’s been coming over every day! Can you believe that? She’s helping me learn all of those weird flips and spins she can do, can you believe that? Sweet! She’s a super-cool teacher, too, like she’s patient and doesn’t yell at me and stuff. Not like Larry, god no! Guy has no patience for anything. Like, yesterday, he was showing me how to work that quantum recharger unit and every time I ask him what to do he’ll be all like “Argh! I told you already!” and I’m like chill, guy! You told me, like, a zillion times! I forget, you know? Stupid Larry and his tantrums! Yeah, let ‘im feel guilty for a bit. I’ll check on him later. Like, after my nap, probably.

Anyway, though, I’ve been spending a LOT of time with Pandala, and I mean like, a whole frikkin’ lot! We train every day, and I’m actually getting pretty good at this stuff. Sure, I knew how to do the simpler things, like flips and spins and climbing on walls and such... Except not in the house. I am SO embarrassed about that widescreen TV I wrecked with the curtain rail. Oops! Musta’ cost, like... I dunno, thousands? Anyway, Larry emptied this big huge garage thing for me, and we turned it into kind of sort of a gym where we’ve been training. And we do this for, I dunno... A few hours a day, like, every day. Takes a lot of time, but it’s paying off. And when we’re not in sparring, we go out for, like, walks. Parks, shopping, cafes, that sort of thing.

Pandala’s really sweet about taking me around town. I ain’t really gone out much on my own before. I mean, besides when I go out to ventilate a mage or wipe out a hive of darkspawn or something, but I don’t really go out to have fun then. I’m like “where’s the next roof I can jump to” or “where’s the darkest alley I can hide in.” I’m never like “Ooh, I wanna’ try that cute little dress on!” You don’t have time for that stuff when you’re out hinting for the kill, you know. Been doing a lot of that with Pandala, though. I keep wondering why she’s taking me to these clothe stores when she doesn’t wear any clothes, but I guess with that huge thick fur coat of hers, she couldn’t if she wanted to. Hell, I don’t know how she doesn’t sweat buckets inside that thing. It’s, like, 100 degrees outside these days, and she acts like it’s all cool.

Oh, and on top of all that, Jack got me enrolled into... Ah, what did they call them now? Licensed something or other, I dunno. I didn’t really pay attention, ‘cause I had this, like, ten page agreement I had to read through and who wants to sit down and read ten pages of lawyer speak? Basically, I think it just means, like, the authorities let me do my stuff without trying to arrest me. ‘Cause I gotta’ tell ya, it was getting pretty hairy hiding from the cops all the time when I ain’t done nonthin’ wrong. I mean, I didn’t wanna’ hurt the guys, ‘cause they’re just doing their job, and they do a good job, too. But then I didn’t wanna’ get arrested and have to break out and stuff, ugh! That could get ugly. So, yeah, cops won’t bother me now, and hell – they’ll even pay for my expenses. Well, kind of. There’s some kind of complicated calculation going on about how much I need to do to get how much credit, but basically if I take out mages, I get more credits. And that’s pretty cool, actually.

Not really sure where the catch is here, though. I mean, they let me do what I was gonna’ do anyway, and they pay me for it? What do they get out of it? Well, anyway, Larry read the whole agreement, and he says it makes sense. Well, he said a whole bunch of things, but the guy can make a rollercoaster sound boring, so I didn’t catch much of it. Point is, Larry says it’s all legit, and I trust him, so I’m going with it.

So, yeah. Now that I got enrolled, I keep getting e-mails about crimes in progress and criminal investigation and all that stuff... Oh, and I have access to police databases, too. How cool is that! So Jack’s been pestering me to work on a whole bunch of cases. I don’t mind, though. Don’t know if he does it on purpose, but Jack picks some real nasty scum to take out, so I’m all for it. Like that Trogold guy. Takes children out of their homes at night and... Ugh! Don’t even wanna’ think about it. He’s meat now, though. Literally. He had this spell that turned people to... Ugh! Never mind. I do NOT wanna’ talk about this! Point is, he was a monster and he got what he deserved, so I’m happy to put in the overtime to ventilate jerks like him. And Jack has, like, this mile-long list of these guys, like reams of paper of these evil mages that do all of this nasty stuff.

Oh, and he’s been letting me into his library, too. Man, that place is awesome! Don’t know where he got all of those nasty, dirty old books, but they’re, like, real helpful for a lot of stuff. Like... Oh, that Ellionore woman I’ve been hunting for, like, a year? Never could figure out where she lives. Turns out she lives in this magic shadow dimension pocket thing, and there’s a detailed description of how to get there. I’m already working on recalibrating Larry’s dimensional projectors to take me there, ‘cause... Well, you know Larry. Makes these way cool machines, and then he writes crap software for ‘em so they don’t work. Shouldn’t take me more than a week, though.

But, yeah, I spend a lot of time with Pandala, ether training or just chillin’ out, and I spend a lot of time with Jack hunting scum, so my time’s pretty busy. But in a good way, though. I mean, sure, I like taking 20-hour naps here and there, but I get, like, so bored just sitting around the house waiting for Larry to get bored of his boring science. Now I have stuff to do, so it’s not as boring any more. Larry’s been a bit weird, though. Like, yesterday he comes up and says “Don’t you think you’re spending a lot of time with Pandala?” and I’m like “Why, jealous?” And then he turns all read and starts denying it and tripping over his own tongue. Ha! Guy’s so easy! Eh, but I shouldn’t be teasing him like that, ‘cause he has a point. He’s been trying to make an effort to spend more time with me, and I kind of haven’t had time for him of late. That’s gotta’ suck for the guy, since I know how much it takes out of him to come up and play.

Yeah, I gotta’ make more time for Larry. He’s not the kinda’ guy who sees competition as a challenge and rises to the occasion, you know? He more just gets depressed and closes up, and I DO NOT want to do that to him. Actually, I’ve been kind of cruel to the guy lately, ‘cause he’s doing all those really sweet things, like, he bought me that cute purple squeaky toy we talked about, like... Man, two years ago? He promised he’d get it and kind of forgot, but now he got it for me. I know it’s kinda’ late, but I know what he’s sayin’. I want things to be like they were back then, too. We were so close then.

Yeah, maybe I should cut the games and just be honest with the guy. Tell him how I really feel. ‘Cause he’s never gonna’ come out and say it, hell no! Larry just has no balls when it comes to this sort of thing. I kinda’ figured out how he felt back then, but I... Guess I didn’t know how to respond to that, and we both sort of... Drifted away. I’m getting worried about it, actually. I mean, he’s making an effort and I’m kind of making an effort, but... Yeah, I gotta’ do something about this, before the guy totally shuts down. I mean, Larry’s pretty much as sweet and caring as I’ve ever seen ‘im, and I don’t have time for the guy? Not good. Gotta’ sit ‘im down and talk about this. I like the guy too much to let things go down like this.

Aw, come on! Cheer up, Po! Gah, what’s with me all of a sudden? It’s gonna’ be just fine. I like Larry, Larry likes me. I just need to move things along. ‘Cause hell if he’s ever gonna’ make the first move! That guy is such a nerd! But *giggle* that’s also kind of why I like him. Sure, he’s awkward and weird and stuff, but he’s my awkward weird guy. Wouldn’t trade him for anything.

Not like that Trevor guy who was stalking me way back when. Weirdo got it in his stupid head I was the love of his life or some crap like that and he pestered me all the time. And I mean, sure, he was cute and smart and beefy and all that, but he wasn’t a nice guy. All about him, you know? I kind of stiffed him, he threatened to kill me and then stalked me around town for a while. Idiot. You don’t stalk a cat, guy. Especially not one that can wring your neck like towel with one hand. I wonder what ever happened to Trevor. I wonder if he still has those four nice claw marks across his face *snicker* Jerk!

You know, I think this whole story thing kind of helped me. I didn’t get any, like, epiphanies or anything like that, but I kind of... Ain’t as angry about things any more. Well, no, I’m still angry about THOSE things, but I can kind of see how Cleveland and his idiots were the people I was pissed off at, not all magic uses ever, you know? ‘Sides, I have friends now, and they’re both magic users... Well, OK, not really – Pandala’s more like a magical creature or something. Point is, though, that I’m friends with the guys, and I am NOT gonna’ hurt ‘em. No way, no how. Not a change. Matter of fact, I’d fight to protect ‘em. And... You know what? That’s not a bad idea. Fight to protect... Sure, why not? Yeah, why not, actually? Why not fight to protect people? I mean, that’s basically what I’ve been doing all along – killing those magical bastards so they don’t hurt more people and animals like they hurt me.

So what the hell is the point of that stupid pledge to rid the world of magic, then? I mean, hell, I know magic can be used for good. Hell, I’m friends with people who use magic for good, you know? So, yeah... You know, done. I’m giving up on that pledge. I’m gonna’ make a new one, right now. I pledge to, like, protect people and... Well, OK, people and animals and... Stuff, from, like, nasty magic spells and those demon things and... Actually, I should probably let Larry write this up. He’s better at making things sound all mysterious-like and spooky and stuff than I am. Probably a good idea to write it down, too.

So... Yeah, I guess this settles it, then. I can be friends with Pandala without feeling like a jerk for having pledged to kill ‘er for some stupid reason or another, and I can work with Jack without always getting those weird looks... Well, at least I think he’s giving me weird looks. Stupid metal helmet! Can’t tell if he’s smiling or frowning under that thing.

Oh, and BONUS! ‘Cause I’ve been going back to all that, like, really old nasty stuff, I kind of remembered how cool Larry used to be back then. I mean, I was, like, a complete wreck back then and the dude totally took care of me. I mean seriously – he broke his *** treating my wounds and helping me with the madness and just being there for me when I was flippin’ out or I didn’t wanna’ live no more. Yeah, he was real sweet back then, and I want those times back. Doesn’t matter who’s fault it was, but I’m gonna’ set things right.

Hell, maybe Larry will loosen up a bit then, so I can get him out to, like, a movie or to the park or... Oh, that reminds me, there’s this huge gaming convention in town next week! I totally forgot to tell Larry. He is so gonna’ flip out when he finds out! Maybe... Yeah, totally! This is so the right time to do this! Best idea ever! Yeah, he can’t sulk then. Right! Decided! So I guess that’s it, huh?

Oh, wait! I totally almost forgot! You know that thing with the camera and thing? Yeah, I kinda’ thought about it, and I think I’m gonna’ go on making these logs, but with video. Only not with, like, a webcam this time. Those things creep me out. No, I’m gonna’ use this big fat professional camera thing Larry bought for... Some reason. He never used it, I think I’ll use that. It ain’t nearly as creepy when I can put the lens cap on the thing and stuff it in a box in the closet downstairs where it can’t see me. ‘Cause, you know, doing these has been a lot of fun. I wanna’ do more. It’s fun to just talk, you know? Probably gonna’ post ‘em on the ‘net. Pandala says people will totally flip out about a cat girl’s vlogs. She always has the best ideas!

Man, I’m gonna’ have so much work to do on all of that stuff, but I kinda’ like it like that. So, yeah, I’m gonna’ end this log here. Pandala’s coming over in an hour and I have to get the gym ready. This is probably the last recording I’ll make on this thing... I wonder if I should post these, too. We’ll see. Thing’s falling apart, though. I sort of... Dropped it the other day, and it kind of broke open. I think I did something to the control chip, ‘cause it’s been glitchy ever since. The hard drive’s fine, though, so I can still save the logs, but I’m gonna’ use that digital camera I talked about before. Should give me a chance to show off that cute shirt I got from this little boutique store.

Anyway, I’m almost running late, so... See you soon, I guess!

#end recording

For my money, the argument should have ended whenever someone brought up the Holy Hand Grenade. A god with a gun (or heavy artillery, for that matter) can still very much be a god in the generic sense of the word, either producing amazing results with a "simple" gun because he's a god and therefore awesome, or producing amazing results with a super gun because the gun is just that awesome.

In fact, god with a gun is a much more interesting concept to me than a god with divine powers. Just sayin'.

#Audio log entry: 4 / Date: Redacted

Omygodomygodomygod! You are not gonna’ believe this! She said yes! She actually said yes! Pandala came over today, and I still can’t believe it happened! She’s so awesome! *squee* OK, OK, calm down, Po, calm down. But this was so awesome! I totally have to tell you about this! So, like, we went to clean out that demon cave like I said, but I’ll talk about that later, ‘cause this is better! So we killed the demons and I’m like “Hey, wanna’ come over to my house and hang out?” and she’s like “Sure!” OK, so she didn’t say that... More like... Some kind of riddle or moral or something, but that’s what she meant. So we came in and I really wanted to show her that cool video game, but I don’t wanna’ act like some kind of fangirl, so I play it cool, show her around the room and hope she takes interested my PC. Eventually, though, I just said it, and she agreed! And man is she good at video games! You wouldn’t think, like, a thousand year old panda would be good at this stuff, but she kicked my ***! I’m starting to think I just suck at gaming, though.

Anyway, we had a lot of fun with that. Sure, I lost, but it was cool to be beaten by Pandala, ‘cause she was cool about it. Not like Larry, always rubbing it my face, the jerk. Nah, she was sweet about it, like, she always said I did well and I impressed her and such. But she had fun, too. She has this really cute giggle that you wouldn’t expect, cause she’s so big and all, but she’s a big softy inside, turns out. Oh, speaking of big, we did some sparring afterwards, and man! Pandala is quick! And I mean, you can’t even see ‘er move! I didn’t think someone as big as her could move so fast, but damn! I gotta’ work on my agility, and big time! Good thing, though, is she offered to train me and spar some more. TOMORROW! Like, she’s coming over again! Can you say BFF?

Hell, she even gets along with Larry, and that’s saying something there. Guy’s got the social skills of a dead body, but Pandala’s got patience like you wouldn’t believe. I mean, I can sit down and stare at Larry for 12 hours on the clock, and even I couldn’t stand to listen to one of his “before games got dumbed down for the masses” monologues, but she sat through that crap for half an hour! And she never complained, not once! Man... I wanna’ be like her when I grow up, for real this time! She’s just wise and mature, like an old... Wise and mature woman... But then she’s not stiff and boring like that old fart at the university last year, eh! When Pandala smiles, she’s like a little kid, and goofy, too. Like, we spent something like a full hour just slapping that big beach ball around and giggling like idiots, and she’s a thousand years old!

So, yeah, I found me a new best friend... And she’s a magical creature. Talk about awkward. I actually told her about my dilemma... Bad move, I know. But she was cool about it. Said she understood completely, but told me I had to... Something. Find my own wisdom or my own destiny or some such. Why can’t people ever give useful advice? The way it’s going I might as well just start cracking fortune cookies and that’s, like, ew! Do you know what those taste like? Yuck! Took me a week to get that taste off my tongue last time. Never again!

But I guess she and Larry have a point. This is my problem and I really have to figure it out on my own. Gotta’ take responsibility for my own like, you know? In fact, I think Larry can tell this is bugging me, ‘cause he’s been extra nice of late. He’s starting to come out of his basement more, and we just... Sort of sit and talk, and we ain’t talked like this for months, probably. Ever since he started that stupid Prometheus project. I mean, who cares about cold fusion, guy? I wanna’ spend more time with you! Kind of reminds me of how we were way back when I first came back, actually. Larry was so emotional he wouldn’t leave my side, like, ever! Couldn’t stop hugging me, too, but I kind of needed the attention. Kept my mind off the pain and the madness stuff.

Come to think of it, he probably saved my *** big time back then. If I’d just been taken to, like, a hospital with those faceless doctors that go “we’re sorry to say that your condition is critical and we couldn’t give a damn” I’d have probably flipped out fast. But Larry, he was sweet. Took care of me, dressed my wounds, even went as far as to invent the Autodoc, just for me. OK, I don’t know if he invented it, but how many girls can say their guy built them an alien tech healing machine? Guy was around me 27/4, and he cried his eyes out, too. And I can’t blame ‘im. My wounds were so bad I looked like a side of beef, and I’d thrash around every time he left the room.

But then I got better, and I was pissed off like all hell. See, when you’re hurt, you don’t really care about the people who did it to you, but when you get better, you totally wanna’ get the bastards. I totally couldn’t believe they’d be dumb enough to not move their operation, but Cleveland and his men are dumber than you’d think. I guess they figured I’d dissolve out in the park or something, but man! You get compromised, you relocate! Idiots! Anyway, I sniffed around the cave entrance, and sure enough, there was Eric bringing in another bag of kittens. They were at it again, and I was determined to do something about it. Like hell I’m gonna’ let those bozos kill more innocent critters.

Larry wouldn’t let me go, of course. Guy turned pale when I told him what I wanted to do. Said it was suicide and all that. Heh... Larry always worries too much. It’s sweet, but it really gets in the way sometimes. Like yesterday! I told him I was gonna’ go clean out that cave of demons out with Pandala, and he’s all like “Don’t go, it’s dangerous!” and “Can you trust that woman” and blah, blah, blah. Dude kept me waiting for, like, 45 minutes listening to this. Got me late to the meeting, too, but Pandala was cool about it. Great patience, like I said. She is so awesome! We went in there and started takin’ ‘em down, and hell! I barely got any kills in. She was just goin’ at it like we were running out of demons or something. That woman is amazing! I totally have to get her to teach me those awesome moves. She does that way cool double flip claw slash that I just gotta’ learn to do! Man, I seriously scored with her. Nice, strong and a damn good playmate. Sweet!

What was I saying before that? Oh, right, Larry. Well, I was pushing to go, ‘cause I was still kind of off my rocker, but Larry was begging me to stay, so we made kind of a deal. If he could whip up some tech to protect me in a day, I’d use it. And when I say a day, I mean one entire frikkin’ day. The guy worked for, like, 38 hours straight. Didn’t sleep, didn’t eat, didn’t even take a break. Never seen him do that since, but I guess he wasn’t gonna’ let me go out naked. He didn’t come up with much. I mean, how much can you come up with in day? But he did have this cool chest plate with shields built into it and... Oh! That’s when he first made my phase sword. It didn’t actually phase at the time, though, not like it can now. It just had this energy blade thing that could cut through solid steel. He showed me on this big flagpole he used to have. Pretty funny demonstration, too, cause he cut it kind of at an angle and the thing almost fell on top of him. I laugh about it now, but it was pretty scary then.

Anyway, a deal’s a deal, so I grabbed the chest and the sword and... Well, it was kind of weird at first. I mean, I’m a cat. I’m used to using my claws and my teeth, so I was pretty awkward with the sword, but hey – you learn as you do with these things. So I go back to the cave and these guys are still at it, still murdering innocent pets, and it still pisses me off to remember that crap. I kept my cool, though. I mean, I was tough, but their damn magic sticks hurt like a son of a... Damn I still get chills when I remember them! I figured I could sneak around and take out Cleveland when he was off in his room... Chamber... Thing... All alone gloating about how much of an idiot he was. And I did. This QuasVasSomething demon must have been the Lord of Stupidity or something, ‘cause I didn’t run into any mystic wards on the way. Sure, I didn’t know to look out for ‘em at the time, but that’s all the more reason why I should have run into some. Turns out they never put down any. Morons.

So I confront Cleveland in his room, but he spots me. And then the guy goes off on this 15-minute rant about how much everyone else sucks, how invulnerable he is, yatta, yatta, yatta. On and on and on, like... Shut the hell up, guy! Nobody cares! Eventually he went into this endless booming laugh that went on for, like two minutes straight, so I just walked up to him and stabbed him through the chest. Sword went through like he wasn’t even there. I guess he was only invulnerable to physical attacks. Sucks to be you, dude! So Cleveland goes down and he sort of explodes in a giant fireball and all the other guys start rushing in to see, so I kind of walked out the room and attacked ‘em from behind. Took out one or two, the rest panicked and scattered like bugs. Would have probably let ‘em leave, but that moron Eric goes “We have to destroy the animals!” and I’m like “Huh? Why?” I never quite understood why, honestly. Something about evidence, I think. Anyway, I wasn’t gonna’ let ‘em just dump the critters in a lava pit, so I picked the idiots off one at a time. They were too busy running through the dark cave like headless chickens to notice me hiding around a corner.

Eric I cut down in a room off to the side. The guy was trying to bag a whole lot of... I think they were mystical artefacts. Either that or gold. Either way, he was trying to cash and run, but he got what he deserved. Bill, though, got the real bonus. Him I staked to the ground right in front of the animal cages. Nasty hit, too. I got it in a leap from this crane thing they had to move the cages around. Just then, all the animals went quiet. They’d been barking and meowing and basically screaming their throats inside out, but when they saw that villain get what was coming for him, they all shut up quick. I don’t know if I gave ‘em any closure, but I sure as hell shut down Cleveland’s damn cult. Set the pets free, too. I hope they found their way home. Larry said he called in some kind of animal protection activists or some such to help out, so it all turned out OK.

And... That’s pretty much the whole story. The rest’s kind of more of the same, you know. I kill mages and break Larry’s gear, he whines like a little girl but fixes it anyway, then he makes new gear, then I have to fix his mistakes, ‘cause he writes code like a monkey, then I kill more mages. Sure, there are weird times, like when I killed that wizard guy, but it turned out I hadn’t really killed him, but then it turned out I had but he was some god-like thing, but then it turn out I just had to kill him again and such, but that’s fairly rare.

Most of my time these days I spend killing mages, and re-killing them if necessary, and using what time I have left over to try and get Larry’s *** uprooted from his workstation, which is a feat in itself, lemme’ tell ya! Dude’s addicted to his work. Well, was, anyway. He’s been really sweet of late, and I gotta’ be honest here – I love it. The guy can act like a jerk when he’s in one of his moods, but he’s still my best buddy. I just wish I could get him outta’ the house more. Sure, he whines like a baby when we’re out, but I know he has fun, even though he won’t admit it, ‘cause he’s always retelling that time when he almost got sucked into hell, or that time some dude tried to rob him but I just picked the guy up by his collar and hung him on a tree, all of those old stories. He’s a lot of fun when he loosens up some, though. It’s just hard to get him to do that.

Oh, and I say it’s always been “like that,” but it actually ain’t been like that since we came here to this city. I mean, it was all fire and brimstone and stuff back at the old house, but man, screw that place! That was one crazy town, like a whole city of villains or something. Ugh, nasty! Don’t know what is up with those guys over there, but they’re, like, all jerks and meanies, and for no reason! I’m like... What the hell is wrong with you, people? Why do you gotta’ go out and make deals with the devil? Why do you gotta’ mess up my day having to trapse through nasty caves and sewers looking to kill your *****? Can’t we all just, like, play nice?

Well... Turns out we can, or at least the people here can. I mean, I’ve met all manner of nice people since me and Larry moved in, and the house ain’t been broken into once. I almost feel bad that Larry had to bust his butt installing sentry guns. You know how much these things weigh? And he’s a scrawny dude! So, yeah, nice people all around. Sure, there’s a whole bunch of bad guys, but there’s also this, like, huge number of good guys, too, so there’s actual law and order and stuff. Always wondered what that would be like. And, ‘course, I got me a new BFF, too! Man, that Pandala is so cool! Great body, sharp mind, and she likes video games! Does it GET any better? I think not!

Oh, and this Jack guy? Well, turns out I impressed him that time we did that thing, so he’s been spamming my inbox ever since. I’ve got, like, seven e-mails from him. Useful stuff, though, even if I had to dig ‘em out of my junk mail folder. Guy knows what he’s talking about. He sent me scans of some wicked-awesome books, like there’s this beastmaster’s encyclopaedia thing that lists pretty much everything a warlock can summon out of whatever that plane is called. Man, I’d have LOVED to have that when I faced that Doomeater dude. Would have made fighting his legions of nasties a whole lot easier, oh, man! He’s got, like, this HUUUGE library of books like that, and he’s, just,offering to let me browse it. Like, out of the goodness of his heart, I guess. I think I can trust him. I mean, his record is all clean, and he’s been all cool so far, saving kittens and helping people and all that.

You know, I’ve been going on for, like, an hour now? Hey, Larry, what time is it! *inaudible voice* Wow, hell! Seriously? *inaudible voice* Yeah, no, I haven’t forgotten, babe! Gimme’ five minutes to wrap this up and I’ll be right down! Crap, I completely forgot! I promised Larry I’d help him out on this raid thing in that game he’s playing. Boring stuff, yeash! But I promised and they’re about to start, so I gotta’ go. On the bright side, if it goes well he’ll be happy, so I can probably convince him to go out and catch a movie or something. There’s this cool movie about aliens or something that came out yesterday, and I know Larry will be all over the science gaffs and all that, but... Well, that’s Larry. His quirks make him cuter, you know? *inaudible voice* Yeah, I’ll be right down, Larry! Alright, looks like I won’t have time for a moral today, but I can probably squeeze another log entry tomorrow before Pandala comes over. *inaudible voice* Geez, I’m comin’! I’m comin’!

#end recording

#Audio log entry: 4 / Date: Redacted

Today’s been a... Weird day. But weird in a good way, though. I went to help that Jack guy and... I actually almost slept in. I was having my mid-day nap and I, like, completely forgot about him. But, hey, I made it just in the nick of time, so who cares, right? Anyway, he needed my help with this Cult of the... Dragon? I think it was Dragon... Anyway, they were some real nasty dudes. Heard they were sacrificing a person a day for... Some reason. I never really tangled with ‘em before, just heard rumours and stuff.

Anyway, I’m not sure what Jack needed me for, ‘cause he looked like he could take ‘em all out by himself, but I guess I had to distract them while he performed a ritual thing or something like that. Don’t know, don’t care. I got to put a bunch of murdering bastards in early graves and Jack managed to stop a huge demon thing from coming through this portal they had opened up. Ugly mother, too, that thing. It had, like, this face that looked like someone stepped on his mouth and the flaming eyes and those horns on the shoulders that look like they’ll poke it in the head every time it looked around. Demons, you know?

Anyway, yeah, it’s been a weird day. First time I’ve ever worked WITH a mage, but hell! Guy made my work a whole lot easier. Normally, I’d have had to fight that demon thing, myself. OK, so Jack says I stood no chance... At least I think that’s what he said. It’s so hard to tell with that weird robotic voice of his. I don’t know why the dude wears this, like, iron bucket on his head, but he sounds like Microsoft Sam through it. And you can’t tell what his thinking, either, like I’ll be joking and he’ll give me the glowing blue eyes stare and go “Yes, let us go.” Bo-ring! But, eh, I know how to deal with stiff guys. I live with one, after all.

Plus, Jack’s a real cool cat. Like, he helped me out big time on this one. The way he put that demon back down to hell was just amazing, and I don’t think he really got anything out of it. I did some digging on him, by the way, and it looks like he’s doing all this good stuff as some kind of redemption mission, like, he did something at some point and now he’s trying to make up for it. I don’t really care about his past, though. Not like mine’s all clean. Long as the guy helps me do the right thing, he’s OK in my book.

And then I come home and Larry has a surprise for me. He got my camera working! I was so happy I was all over him, giving him hugs and kisses and all that, and he’s all turning red like a turnip and stuttering! Ha! He’s so cute when he does that. Hmm... I wonder if... Nah, that’d probably weird out the guy. Anyway, he got my camera working, and I was so happy and all, but... I don’t think I’ll be using it. See, thing’s real cool, but it makes me feel... Awkward. Like there’s always someone watching me, and I always have to behave. And, feh! I don’t wanna’ behave! That’s, like, no fun at all! ‘Sides, I don’t like to have cameras always in my room. Even when the thing’s off, it feels like it’s watching me. So, yeah, we took the camera out. I felt bad about making Larry do all this work, though, so I promised that I’d sign up with that stupid online game with him. What was it called now? World of something? Anyway, that thing bores me to tears, but I kind of owed it to the guy, so yeah. Be brave, girl! This is for Larry!

You know... I’ve been doing some thinking on that whole nasty story I started telling about my kidnapping and all and... It kind of doesn’t bother me as much anymore. I mean, yeah, it’s nasty and all that, sure, but I’m sort of starting to get over it, kind of. Now, don’t take me wrong, it still makes me mad to think about it, but I’m kind of... Accepting it, I guess. Besides, I’m starting to realise it sounds a lot easier if I keep off the bad details and focus on the things that made it bearable. Like, oh! That was totally cool... In a nasty way, sure, but it was cool! See, when I survived their stupid ritual, I was totally flipping out, like real bad. To the point where those guys panicked like squirrels every time I roared in their general direction. So I kind of made it into a little game to startle ‘em every chance I got. Like Eric will be there, skulking around, trying to get a look at the last few caged animals when SCREECH! I’d just dig my claws into the glass thing and pull down hard. Made this horrible, loud sound, like nails on a chalk board, and it always made the guy jump out of his pants. Ha! Jerk deserved it.

Yeah, I know, it probably makes me sound like a jerk, myself, but you gotta’ remember that I was still half-way off my rocker, and I still had huge wounds all over my body. Wasn’t really thinking straight and, yeah, I got real mean then. Not real happy about this, but it is what it is. Anyway, worst part of it was I had to watch the last three animals get put through the experiment, as well. Couldn’t really do anything about the two cats, they just deteriorated and died too fast. But that pitbull guy... Man, that pitbull was a BEAST. Took, like, six guys just to get him chained up, and even then he almost took the arm off one of ‘em. Heh. Anyway, they did their thing on him, but the guy was... Man, that pitbull was tough. Didn’t squeal, didn’t whine, didn’t even flinch as his muscles turned to jelly. That was... Man, I ain’t never seen a braver dog than that guy.

That’s actually what really helped me work up the nerve to escape. I thought I was dealing with the horror show well, but I was, like, kicking and screaming and whining and growling the whole time. And I’d survived relatively easy, too! That dog died with more dignity than I’d ever had. God damn mages! See, this is what pisses me off! They took this really cool dog and killed it, and for what? So stupid Cleveland could prove that he was an idiot! Damn that guy! He had no right to do this! He had no right to destroy something so cool! He... Argh! You know what? Break time. Time for something good. Time for something nice. Time for... Oh, yeah, that!

I totally got to get together with Pandala today! Sweet! Off the clock, too, so no nasty demon slime and stuff to ruin the mood. Just called her up when I got home, and she agreed to meet. She’s so sweet! She sounds like she’s a thousand years old though... Come to think of it, she might actually be. Anyway, I love listening to her stories. They all come off like morals and all that, but she says they’re all true, and they’re pretty cool. Kind of deep, actually. Never really thought about most of that stuff. Like, there was that one about how greed leads to... Real bad stuff, basically. OK, so I can’t retell it very well, but it was good. ‘Sides, she’s cute, too. She’s big like... Well, like a giant panda, which is what she basically is, but she’s not... Round like what you see in the pictures. I wanna’ be like her when I grow up. Yeah, she’s, like a thousand years old, and I’m, like, five. Wonder if I can ever be as wise as her...

I actually think that’s why the pitbull was so amazing. He was pretty much the oldest of the lot, like 15 or something like that, and a guard dog, too, so the guy was as grizzled as they come. Never gave up, never complained, never stopped fighting. I wanted to be like him. Figured it was stupid to just whine about my predicament and just do petty pranks. Figured I had to do something big – like escape. See, Cleveland’s men had these... Magic sticks, I forgot what they called them. They worked like stun rods – if you get zapped by one in the back, you go down like a sack a’ spuds. So they came to zap me with their sticks, I think to move me to another cage or do more experiments or something, and that’s when I took my chance. Figured I had nothing to lose, so I was gonna’ fight till I dropped. I’d clawed enough of the crystal off the wall, so I managed to basically shatter the thing in their faces when they came to get me and I just legged it from there.

They managed to zap me with their stupid stick, and a few times, too, but I was just not gonna’ have any of it. Heh. Turns out their damn ritual had made me stronger than they thought, so I didn’t go down easy. So, yeah, I basically shoved my way through the mages and even managed to claw Cleveland in the face but good! I ran like hell for, like, an hour. The guys were holding us way deep underground. Kicked through a flimsy wooden door right at the end of a tunnel and that led me outside. And in broad daylight, no less, like noon on a sunny day. I don’t know why, but I kept thinking it would be night outside. Maybe ‘cause it was so dark in the caves? I dunno.

Anyway, I came out in this park that Larry used to take me to, back where we lived at the time, so I kind of knew the place. I was still loopy from the stupid illusion... Things, and I was starting to notice how nasty my wounds were. You can’t really see them well in candle light, but in broad daylight, they were SCARY! Ugh... Do not want to remember that part, so no details there. But I knew the area... Kind of. So, yeah, I did the only thing I could do – I went back home. I mean, what do you expect a cat to do? I didn’t know how to speak back then, I didn’t know about the police or anything. All I knew was I was hurt and I wanted to go home. Yeah, it was pathetic, but what are you gonna’ do?

Heh... This next one is kind of funny. Larry almost fainted when he saw me at the door. I mean, how’d you react if you looked out the window and saw a giant cat covered in blood staring at you? He jumped out of his chair and did, like, a barrel roll almost. Think I gave him the fright of his life back then. Eventually, though, he came to his senses and recognised me, despite all the nasty transformations. Turns out he’d been devastated when I went missing and had looked for me all over the place, but he just couldn’t find me. I know he doesn’t show it these days, but Larry really cares about me. I mean, when he realised it was me, he just hugged me and cried for, like, fifteen minutes straight. Got blood all over his shirt, but the guy didn’t care. He tries to act all distant now – guys just don’t want to show their feelings for some stupid reason. But I know how he feels. That’s kind of why I can’t be mad at him for very long. He’s my buddy, and I gotta’ take care of him as he takes care of me.

I mean, it’s not like he has a girlfriend or anything. Oh, there was this skank who followed him around a while ago and she was... Ugh! You know the type – big bleached hair, horrible make-up, squeaky nasal voice, clingy and all that. Ew! Oh, sure, Larry was smitten, but the guy’s a nerd, so what do you expect? I knew she wasn’t right for him, though. She was just looking for a sugar daddy, and Larry was pretty well off. I hate women like that! It didn’t work out, though. Turns out dumb blonds don’t like guys who keep giant growling cat-people who always look at them mean. Never had to lay a claw on the woman, just had to give her “the look” and she’d start sweating like a pig and stuttering. Heh, that didn’t last long. But it’s all for the better, anyway. I heard she married some rich old fart a few months ago and they’re already getting divorced. Figures. Larry deserves better than that. Hmm... I wonder if Pandala is single... Oh, what am I thinking. She’s like a thousand years old. Phht!

Oh, that reminds me – I actually did invite Pandala to come help me clean up that cave of demons I was talking about like... When was that, actually? A couple of days ago? Doesn’t matter. Anyway, she agreed, and gladly. Said something about the dangers of letting sleeping dogs lie, but I didn’t quite catch the moral of that one. I think she meant it’s good to take care of problems before they become problems, but I dunno. She likes to speak in riddles a lot, but it’s kind of cool. She’s smart enough to do it. I wonder if she’ll want to come over afterwards. I wanna’ show her my new video game.

Oh, and that big beach ball thing! Man, that was even better than I thought it would be! I thought it would be, like, real heavy and stuff, but it’s actually pretty light... Like a beach ball, really. It bounces around good, too, ‘cause I inflated it a lot so it’s stiff. I just, ah... Gotta’ play with the thing outside. Larry’s trying to play it cool, but I know he’s still mad that I broke the case for his Nobel prize. I feel SO bad about that one... But the guy’s been acting real cool of late. He doesn’t grumble so much, he makes more time for me and, hell, he even comes up to hang out during the day. Like, I’ll be sitting there, pawing that toy mouse he got me for Christmas last year, when all of a sudden he’s in the room going “Wassup, Po!” and I’m like “Larry!” and then I roll-tackle him across the room. I hope he didn’t hurt his back on the coffee table, but I was just so happy to see him out of that basement without having to lure him out with food.

Oh, and, speaking of which, the guy can’t cook worth crap. We used to have a maid that would cook dinner for him, but she could never get the cat hair out of her outfit, so she quit. I’ve had to cook for Larry ever since, and man is it a good thing he likes fish, ‘cause I can’t do a lot else. Actually, that’s not true. I found this awesome cook book online, and I’ve been trying stuff from that for a while now, and it’s working great! Larry hasn’t even whined once since then, so I must be doing something right. And believe me – for Larry to not whine is, like, a big thing, cause’ he’s a whining wimp. So, yay me! Actually I think I hear him coming up the stairs. Larry, is that you coming up? *inaudible voice* Really? Sweet! OK, I gotta’ end this audio log. I’m getting some cuddle time with my guy. Score!

#end recording

#Audio log entry: 3 / Date: Redacted

Hi! *giggle* I’m so happy today! See? Can you see my smile? It’s, like, this big! You can’t see it... Damn, no camera on this thing. Hey, Larry, can you put a camera on my audio recorder?
*inaudible voice* Yeah, I know it’s an AUDIO recorder? Who cares? I want a camera on the thing! *inaudible voice* Well, thanks for nothing, meanine! *inaudible voice* Wha, really? Thanks, sweetie! You’re the best! Ha! I’m gonna’ get me a camera on my audio recorder thingy! *purr* Gets me excited just thinking about it!

Oh, right, why am I happy? Well, we had a great day out today. I had to slap Larry upside the head a few times, but he went along with it. We went to that cool place in the park – big open moor thing, a few big trees to climb and lots of room to run around. It’s so cool to get out of the city once in a while. My brain was starting to get cramps from all the confined spaces. I don’t know how Larry manages to spend all his time in that stuffy basement, but the guy needs a life. And, of course, he was a whining prima donna the whole time, but... Well, that’s Larry for you. Yank him away from his computer and suddenly everything bothers him. Like the sun’s too bright, the grass is too coarse and I’m like, “Guy, chill! Have fun!” and he’s all like “Inconceivable! Fun is illogical!” OK, he didn’t say that, but that’s what he sounded like.

And, of course, we had to get attacked by kobolds. No joke! Well, they probably weren’t Kobolds. I think they were probably those Minions of Moir I kept hearing about, but the buggers looked like kobolds, so that’s what I call ‘em. So we got attacked by kobolds. Always something in this city, lemme’ tell ya! They weren’t too tough, to tell you the truth, but Larry had to go spastic and freaking out, ‘cause “O noes! Monsters!” You know, like the ones I eat for breakfast every day. Feh! But, of course, Larry’s a wimp, so he panics and I had to chase him all over the park just to tell him it’s all safe now. Heh. I thought he was gonna’ whine about it all day, though, but he’s been cool about the whole “almost getting eaten” thing. Maybe he’s growing a spine, I dunno’, but I like Larry when he acts like, you know, a man.

But, yeah, we had fun. I got to run around a bit, and I ain’t done that since... Crap, I don’t even remember since when. Months, probably. Got to climb a few trees... Scared the living daylight out of a squirrel, too. Thing ran like the devil was after it, but I wasn’t gonna’ eat it. Don’t like to hurt defenceless creatures. Probably would have juggled it for a bit, though. Heh. Plus, I got to spend some time with Larry. We don’t see much of each other these days. I’m kind of too big to sleep on his lap now and it’s... Kind of awkward anyway, and he’s always busy working on my gear and stuff. And while that’s cool and all... I miss him. Wish he wouldn’t work as hard and just, you know, hang out a bit. Most I usually get to see him is playing video games together. I gotta’ tell ya, guy’s awesome at video games for a nerd... Or is he awesome BECAUSE he’s a nerd? Either way, he’s always fun to play with. That’s the only time he doesn’t act like a wimp.

*sigh*

OK, I admit it, I’m just stalling. But I don’t wanna’ talk about all that nasty stuff with the wizards and the experiments and all that. It’s not fun... I say “not fun” a lot... Anyway, yeah, it’s not fun and I don’t wannna’ talk about it but... Well, Larry was brave today... As brave as he can be, anyway, so I guess the least I can do is sit down and talk about this. Ugh... Why can’t I talk about something fun, like... Feh! Nah, gotta’ do this. Come on, Po, this isn’t hard. Just tell it like it was and don’t get into the details. OK... OK, I’m good. Where was I? When I got experimented on, I think? Crap, now I remember why I stopped there...

Fine, let’s get this over with. Cleveland and his men pulled me out of my glass cage thing, and at that point it was just down to me, the pitbull and the two cats I didn’t know. They did their ritual thing and... You know, it sucks that I have to keep saying “ritual thing” when I actually know about magical stuff, but I’ve read all the books I had and for the life of me I’ve no idea what those idiots were trying to do. It ain’t in any of the manuscripts, so I think they were making this up as they went along. The demon dude who possessed Cleveland... Wait, I know his name... QuasVasilar, that’s it! So the Quas dude who possessed Cleveland was said to be some kind of renegade demon who rebelled against the something or other and wanted to invent... Something. A new field of magic, I think. Don’t really care about their politics. I only care where I have to stab ‘em to kill ‘em. Anyway, the demon dude was trying to “invent” new magic, and it wasn’t going well. What a shocker! It actually pisses me off that he’d test his crap on animals before he even knew what the hell he was doing!

Anyway, they chained me in the middle of the mystic circle thing, and they did this really weird chant... Like, really weird. Ain’t herd another like it since. Don’t know what it did, but I felt a nasty cold chill and it felt like my heart was gonna’ beat out of my chest. It hurt like you wouldn’t believe! Like, you can’t breathe from the pain, you know? So they did their business and kind of left me there. And at first it wasn’t so bad. I mean, it hurt like hell, but I’ve had worse. But then the pain started going away, and it wasn’t ‘cause I was getting better. It was actually ‘cause my flesh was melting off my bones. Literally. First an arm would go numb, then these nasty sores would open up, and then the... Crap, said no details! What the hell’s wrong with me?

And you’re probably thinking, like “Oh, that ain’t so bad. It’s like a big bruise or nasty road rash, right?” Wrong! ‘Cause it ain’t just the skin which degenerates. It’s everything. Like organs and all that. So you start to feel sick, and sick like you wouldn’t believe, and your kidneys give out, and you start to bleed from... Oh, for crap’s sake! No details! Hold it together, Po! Think, then talk! Damn it! So, yeah. That. Not fun, not nice, and I honestly thought I was gonna’ die. Might have been the easier way out, really. Why? Well, cause afterwards the madness started. And if you think seeing your flesh melt off your bones like aspirin is bad, you don’t know crap.

You know what? Put it off. I need a break. I kind of figured that out last time. I can’t do too much at a single stretch, but if I keep stopping every time it’s too much this’ll take months. And I don’t want to spend months remembering all of that horror show. So I’ll be taking little breaks when I get pissed off. You know, to talk about the kind of stuff I wanna’ talk about. Can’t really talk about this with Larry. Dude doesn’t care. I mean, sure, he’s sweet and all and he’ll listen, but I know he doesn’t care, so I don’t wanna’ bother him. Come to think of it, I’m actually having lots of fun just talking about fun things here to the recorder. Maybe I should keep doing this when I’m done with the horror story? Yeah, I think I’ll do that. This thing’s got, like, loads of hard drive space, so I might as well.

So, yeah, break – and a good thing, to boot. Blade Kitten’s coming out for the PC tomorrow! *squee* I know, right! Awesome! Sure, I don’t spend much time playing games, ‘cause that’s more Larry’s thing, but man! This one’s gonna’ be so cool! I saw, like, a bunch of trailers, and I love it! Sure, it’s kind of simplistic, but who cares about dense stories! It’s got a cat and a blade in it, and they’re kickin’ *** and takin’ names! Rockin’! I’ve already played the demo, like, fifty times. Can’t get enough of this game. Tomorrow is gonna’ be an awesome day! I don’t think it has multiplayer, so Larry’s probably not gonna’ like it. He seems to prefer beating other players online. Me? Nah. Don’t need that crap. Gimme’ somethin’ cool and I’m golden!

Yeah, anyway, break’s over. Back to the story. The stupid, nasty story. Damn I don’t want to do this... OK, let’s just get this over with. What was I saying? Madness? Right, that. The madness the spell gave me was... Weird. In a bad way. It’s like this nasty nightmare made up of monsters and hurting and... Hell, I don’t even know how to describe it. It just sucks. A lot. You keep trying to wake up, you keep trying to scream, only you can’t, ‘cause it’s all in your head. Don’t mean your body’s not doin’ all sorts of creepy contortions, though, and you scream like... Death, really. I don’t know what I screamed like, but the others screamed bad. Chilled me to the bone, that sound. Me, I was scared out of my mind for... I dunno. Days, weeks maybe? Can’t really tell time in that situation. It felt like weeks, anyway. It’s just constant horror, like you’re always dying, but you never actually die. Brr... Do not want to remember that little nightmare! Ew!

Thing is, though, after a while of this I stopped being scared. I mean, I was still start raving mad, ‘least that’s what they tell me, but it wasn’t ‘cause I was afraid any more, but more because I was pissed off. Like, big time. I got tired of being afraid, tired of being used like this. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired, basically. So I... Kind of yelled at the illusions until they went away. Not really sure how that worked, to be honest. Larry says that I entered some kind of state where I didn’t care if I’d live or die and just wanted to take out the dudes who were doing this to me and... I guess he’s right, but I just don’t remember. All I know is I got so mad I started seeing stars and then just kind of started seeing normal again.

Cleveland was surprised. Heh... Dude was so dumb he was surprised when his experiment worked. Glad to see you had so much confidence in yourself, guy. Smooth. They kind of circled around me for a while, ‘cause I’m flailing like a beast over there. And I was. I was pissed off, and I wanted to claw the punks to ribbons, so they were afraid. And I still smile when I remember them stumbling backwards every time I’d growl. Losers! You chain down a cat with, like, these boat anchor chains and you’re still afraid to get near, huh? Yeah, and with good reason! Anyway, they eventually managed to blindside me and stuff me in this large tank made of... Glass? Crystal? I dunno, something sort of greenish and transparent, but too hard to break through. Well, not too hard, though, ‘cause I put a whole bunch of claw marks on the inside, but that’s besides the point.

And... You know, I don’t think I’ll be taking a break for the moment. This is kind of the... Less nasty part, ‘cause this is the part where I started getting better and getting back at the guys for all the nasty crap they did, so it’s less unpleasant to talk about. Anyway, I was still half-loopy and seeing things for a while, but eventually my head started clearing up and I noticed my wounds weren’t getting any worse. Well, they weren’t getting any better, but you take what you get. That, and it kind of freaked me out how much my body had changed. Like I said before, I was just a normal house cat way back when, so I was pretty small and... Well, cat-shaped. But when I saw my reflection in the crystal thing, I looked more like... Well, more like a human. I guess that was the point, but I’d never seen any of the other animals change this much. I guess they just died before it could happen.

I actually like this body better, though. Sure, it’s not as easy to squeeze into tight spaces any more, but I’m a lot stronger now, so it doesn’t feel that much heavier. ‘Sides, you know how freakin’ awesome it is to have opposable thumbs? You guys don’t know how good you have it! Hell, I’m just glad to have fingers at all. Now I can open doors, work the computer, use a screwdriver, make a fist, all that cool stuff I’d only ever seen Larry do. It’s great! Only bummer is all my old toys are too small to play with now that I’m bigger, but I’ve been buying bigger toys these days. Like... Oh, I totally forgot! There’s this huge beach ball made of some kind of bulletproof polymer that I got in the mail yesterday and I haven’t even opened it yet! This one’s gonna’ be so cool! I can, like, play with it anyway I like and I don’t have to worry about putting a claw through the thing and losing yet another one. I’ve been looking for something decent to chase around for, like, a year! Guess saving that ballistics scientist and his wife from Krogdor the Devourer’s finally paying off!

Actually, I think I’m gonna’ sign off here. It’s kind of a good point to end it for now, ‘cause if I get into how I escaped, then I’m gonna’ be here for another hour, and I got, like, stuff to do and all that. My phase sword’s been on the fritz all week, and I think I’m gonna’ have to get it a new power coupling, plus I promised that neighbour kid I’d come to his show and tell day. Bet he’ll be the only one in school to show off a magic energy sink! Then again, with how this city is, I wouldn’t be surprised if someone brought in alien tech or, like, a dinosaur egg. So, yeah. I got some work to do on my gear, I gotta’ get that gizmo ready for school and if I’m lucky, I’ll manage to get Larry out of his basement for a bit just to play together. He’s been loosening up a bit lately, and it’s all cool.

Oh, yeah, and I got an e-mail from that sorcerer guy, what’s his name? Something Jack. Yeah, he says he needs my help with... Something. I didn’t really read it. But he’s a cool cat, so yeah. I’ll help him. Still not sure how I feel about it, really, but hey – if he helps me bag a few more mage deadbeats, then it’s all fine by me. Why does a sorcerer have an e-mail account on Yahoo, anyway? Who uses that anymore? Ugh, I’m starting to ramble here, so I’m just going to end this audio log and I’ll see what comes up tomorrow. Should be a fun day. Can’t wait!

#end recording