Mystic Assassin

I've been working with a specific character that some may have seen the end result of, and I figured I could write a story about her. I haven't written in quite some time, and I don't like to be idle for too long. I tend to lose my touch and my imagination if I do. As such, I decided to write a short(ish) story for Mage-Killer Po. I'm linking to a pic just because Po didn't feel like the kind of character to introduce herself well.

As usual, I'm writing this as an experiment in genres. This time as an audio log recorded ad-hoc, so it's going to be messy and disorganised. That is intentional, as I hope it adds character where a third-person narrative wouldn't.

I'd appreciate any feedback on the story, good or bad, as I really want to know how it comes across so I can improve for future stories. That said, here's the story:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arcanaville Samuel_Tow is the only poster that makes me want to punch him in the head more often when I'm agreeing with him than when I'm disagreeing with him.

#Audio log entry: 1 / Date: Redacted

…you work this thing? Hello? Is this… Oh, wait, it’s on! Stupid Larry and his unintuitive designs. Um, yeah… OK, what was I saying? Oh, right! I’m making this audio log ‘cause Larry says it’ll help me deal with the “bad experiences” I’ve had in the past. Phht! Larry’s silly like that. He thinks about things way too hard and misses the forest for the trees, you know? Oh, wait, audio log! Right!

Hi, I’m Po and I’m a… Oh, where did he write it down? Ah! I am a… “Mystic Assassin?” Larry! What kind of crap are you having me read to the audio log here? *inaudible voice* Can’t I just tell the story? *inaudible voice* You know what? Fine! Whatever! Not like I’m gonna’ read off his stupid… What is this? “Audio log itinerary?” Oh, Larry, Larry… OK, chuck that and let’s start over.

Hi, I’m Po and I kill mages for a living. Look, I know it sounds gruesome and, to be honest, that’s kind of why I sat down to record this thing. Back in the day, everything was real simple. Mages are bad, mages suck, mages need to die. Simple, right? But then I met that cute panda girl, what was her name? Still pissed off I forgot to get her digits. Damn it! Anyway, then I met her, and she’s… We’ll, she’s not exactly a mage, but she does use magic and stuff. And then I met that Jack guy… What was his name? Rembrandt… No, Revenant Jack, yeah! Creepy guy, lemme’ tell ya! Brr! Would not want to have to fight the dude, seriously. And at first I thought I was gonna’ kill him, for sure, but he turns out to be this really cool cat, you know what I mean? Went so far out of his way to save this little girl’s kitty from those skull mask idiots… Don’t know what they wanted with it, but the guy just shadow-ports in there and puts those punks on their butts in no time flat, and he’s all “Be safe, child!”

I dunno… I made a promise to kill all those magical jerks that hurt me way back when, but that’s ‘cause I thought they were all evil. And, heh, most of the ones I killed were. And I mean seriously wacked out. Child-murdering, soul-stealing monsters, the lot of ‘em. They got what they deserved. But these magical guys I’ve been meeting since I moved here... They’re cool. Kinda’ creepy. Kinda’ hot, too, sometimes, rawr! But some of ‘em really are cool. Nice people, you know? I can’t kill them. I don’t want to kill them! Do I have to? I dunno… That’s kind of why I’m doing this. I’d ask Larry, but feh! The guy’s useless when it comes to that sort of thing. He’s all like “You must only kill those who you believe deserve it.” Yeah, thanks for nothin’, guy. Couldn’t have figured that one on my own! He’s cool, though, Larry. I bash on him a lot, but that’s just ‘cause he’s kind of awkward. But he’s real sweet, and a super genius to boot. He made me this really cool sword thing, see? It kind of glows and it goes right though mystic shields like claws through yarn. They’re all “I am invincible!” and I’d be like “Oh, really!” Wham! *sound of furniture breaking* Ack! Crap… Let’s hope Larry won’t need that fuse box for a while. *inaudible voice* Err… No, I have no idea why the power in the basement is out, Larry! Oops…

Yeah, anyway, I had a point in there somewhere… Oh, right! See, there are all these cool magic people here in the city, and I’m starting to think I made a mistake pledging to kill ‘em all. But... OK, Larry says I should “tell my story” and see if that helps clear my head a bit. Man, I hate telling stories. Stories are boring, and it’s such a nice day outside. Maybe I can... No. No, I made a promise. OK, here goes, then:

Let’s just get that out of the way: I’m a cat. Now, I know you’re wondering... Whoever you are that’s gonna’ listen to these things... You’re probably wondering how that’s possible. Cats don’t speak, right? Well, they kinda’ do, but people are too dumb to understand, but that’s not important right now. Point is, I used to be just an ordinary house cat. Larry got me out of a shelter oh... Five years ago? Thereabout, anyway. I don’t remember how I got there. Probably was a stray, not like it matters. Anyway, back then I really was just like any other cat. I had a nice little crib, a really cool scratching post and this awesome pink toy that made a squeaking noise when you slap it around. Man, that was SO much fun to chase around! *purr* Heh. I didn’t speak back then, and... You know, people always ask me the same thing. They’re all like “Hey, Po, what’s it like being a cat?” And I’m like “Hey, creepy guy, what’s it like being fat?” Stupid question, ‘cause I can’t answer it.

The one that keeps popping up, though, is did I know Larry was an inventor. Oh, yeah, Larry? Yeah, he’s my master. Used to be my owner, but he says he “can’t own a sentient being.” Nerd. Anyway... No. No I didn’t. Really, I just didn’t care. Larry was always the guy who gave me food and hugs and I really didn’t give two rats about what he did when he was in that basement of his. I mean, I saw all the wires around the house and all the cool tech, but I didn’t really know what any of that stuff was. I couldn’t tell a gas chromatography mass spectrometer from a lazyboy couch beyond which was comfy to nap on. You’d be surprised how nice an electron microscope is to sleep on, but I’m getting off-track here. Point is, I couldn’t have cared less about what Larry did as long as he came up to the loft at the end of the day so I could sleep on his lap. Don’t ask, it’s a cat thing. You wouldn’t understand.

Frankly, I wouldn’t have minded if this went on forever, ‘cause they were sweet, sweet times. Only they didn’t go on forever, because of that ******* Cleveland and his crew of dead meat. I don’t know if that was his real name – I always got the impression he was being possessed... OK, I didn’t always get that impression, I did research on the guy post-mortem after my... Transformation, but point is that’s what his guys called ‘im and that’s what I remember him as. Damn I hate that guy! He’s the reason all this happened to me. And he was an idiot, too, with that stupid plan of his. Well, either Cleveland or QuasilVasilSomethingOrOther. Stupid unpronounceable demon names! OK, OK... I’m getting ahead of myself.

Eric, one of Cleveland’s men, kidnapped me from the loft one day while Larry was in the basement. Ugh... Bad memories there... I heard a window break, I got curious to see and I got bagged as I came through the door. Literally bagged. Eric had an honest-to-god burlap sack. Who even makes these anymore? Bad choice of fabric, too, ‘cause I managed to claw his back through the bag. Real good, too. Guy was bleeding like a stuck pig. Serves ‘im right. So he took me from the house and... Crap! Bad memories. I don’t wanna’ remember. Why can’t I talk about something fun? Like that cool upgrade I got to my chest plate. It gives me 150% the dampening and it almost doubles shield capacity, even over the hard limit of... *sigh* I don’t want to do this...

You know what? Screw that! I’ll just say it. That guy dragged me from my house clawing and screaming and tossed me in a god damn bag. My heart was beating out of my throat, I got soaking wet with the stupid rain, I didn’t know where I was, I was panicking and... *heavy breathing* No... No! NO! Keep it together, Po! Keep it together! That dead beat doesn’t deserve your fear. He doesn’t deserve your respect. He deserves to die. Oh, wait, he already did. How’d you like that, Eric? Huh? Frikkin’... I hate this! *inaudible voice* I know, Larry! If you want me to do this damn audio log, then stay out of my business! *sound of door slamming* Insensitive idiot!

I... I got dumped in a big pit with a whole bunch of other pets... At least I think they were pets. We didn’t really try to communicate much. Not until we got separated, anyway. There were all kinds of pets, too. Cats, all kinds of dogs, a bunch of things I think were dogs, but with them you can’t really tell, and even a pet monkey or two. They... Were pretty much as scared as I was, but they were holding it together, for the most part. A few of them tried to claw their way up the pit wall, but it was made of smooth stone. Nowhere to get a claw in. Plus there were people up top shoving the climbers, as they called them, back down with sticks. They were swinging hard, too, the jerks. There was that pup that...

You know, I don’t wanna’ talk about this anymore. Not today, anwway. This is... God damn it! No, forget it. I’m not gonna’ think about it right now. Larry wants me to do an audio log, so I’ll do an audio log, but not all at once. Not like this. I’ll do more tomorrow. Or, you know, maybe in a week. We’ll see how I feel about it. Probably gonna’ wanna’ get some more work done to take my mind off this crap. I still need to retune my shield modulators. Larry’s great at making the things, bless his heart, but he is completely clueless on how to programme them. Keeps giving me these ridiculous “default” settings, and he never listens when I tell him he’s an idiot. Always has to be right, that guy. But, hey, I wouldn’t have my gear without him, so I can’t complain.

Yeah, I think I’ll go do that. *sound of door opening* *sound of door closing* *sound of door opening* Rats! How do you turn this thing off? Hey, Larry! How do you turn this audio recorder... Thing off? *inaudible voice* Oh, right! Thanks.

#end recording

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arcanaville Samuel_Tow is the only poster that makes me want to punch him in the head more often when I'm agreeing with him than when I'm disagreeing with him.

#Audio log entry: 2 / Date: Redacted

OK, let’s... Wait, is this thing on? *tap tap tap* Hello? Nuts... Larry! My audio recorder won’t turn on! Did you do something to it? *inaudible voice* No, it won’t! The LCD won’t light up? *inaudible voice* Oh, really? Well, gee, that mighta’ been something nice to tell me! *inaudible voice* Look, I don’t care! Just don’t mess with my stuff, or at least tell me when you do! *inaudible voice* Whatever! Jerk. I don’t care if the LCD isn’t “needed.” I liked having it there. It had a really cute theme to the menus. How much power does an LCD draw, anyway? Stupid Larry, always messing with my gear. Always has to be right, that guy. Always has to be his way. Ugh... And now I have to figure out how to turn the LCD back on, ‘cause I don’t want to be staring at a toggle switch like an idiot just to tell if I’m recording or not.

Stupid... You know, it’s a good thing I asked. ‘Cause if I’d spent, like, an hour recording this crap and it turned out I didn’t get any of it, Larry would be is so much trouble. Let’s see how he likes going to that conference when his suit jacket is missing its back! Ha! Aw, who am I kidding? I couldn’t claw his clothes to shreds... Much as I’d like to. Larry’s sweet, he’s just... Difficult, you know? I mean, who cares if it isn’t needed. I’m the one who’s gonna’ use the thing. Shouldn’t it be my call? You know, instead of me having to re-modify my gear behind his back. And then he’ll be like “That’s not how I designed it.” Duh! Your design was stupid. I told you it was stupid when you showed it to me. So I fixed it. Surprise?

Anyway, I can rant like this all day, but I have to get this audio log going eventually... Not like I want to. Damn! That’s some nasty crap I have to recall. Are we sure this is helping? ‘Cause I’ve been having nightmares since last time. Nasty stuff from back then, you know? It pisses me off and it makes me feel like I just want to ventilate all those magic dudes for what they did to me. But then I keep seeing good guy mages like... Oh, right! That panda girl I talked about last time? I totally met her again today! Got her name, too, this time: Pandala. Phht! Obvious, right? She’s so awesome, like some kind of Buddhist monk... Thing. She’s always going on about wisdom and virtue and all that kind of stuff, but that girl can carve some flesh wit those claws of hers. Where does she retract them to? They’re, like, longer than her forearm! Wait, never mind. Magic... I guess. Is it really, though?

Anyway, she helped me out of a scrap today. I was totally getting pummelled by those skirt wizard guys and their new toys... They had this spell which did something to my mystic shield generator that kept causing the software to reboot and kept taking down my shield. Nasty stuff! So I figure I’m so toast when I hear this voice going on about lust for power and murder and stuff, and then Pandala just carves into the guys. Took down a whole coven, all by herself, while my systems booted up. Took quite a bit of damage, too – those fireballs hurt, you know. But it looks like she regenerates like you wouldn’t believe. Awesome! We chatted for a bit, she gave me a few pointers and her number – SCORE! Totally gonna’ call her up tomorrow. There’s this cave of demons I wanna’ take her to. She’ll like that, I bet.

So, yeah... Pandala helped me out big time. Almost had to get Larry off his lazy *** to come out and help me, and we all know how that usually goes. But she was cool. I don’t want to kill her. There’s gotta’ be some other way, but I don’t wanna’ go back on my word... But then, I may have to. I dunno, I just... Maybe they’re not all bad? But then... Forget it. Story time.

So anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, the nasty part. Yeah, like there’s any part of this story that isn’t nasty. Larry, I sure as hell hope you’re right about this, ‘cause I don’t like remembering that stuff. But, yeah, the pit. Eric dumps me into that pit with the other animals, and my head’s going 100mph. Where am I? What happened? Who are all of these cats and dogs? How do I get out? There are these dogs trying to climb out and Bill and Eric are just hitting them over the head with sticks. The bastards were laughing like idiots, even taking dibs on who makes it the highest. I wish I could have gotten a hold of their faces.

There was this pup who totally flipped out when they dumped him in, and he started climbing up over and over again. They kept striking him back down, but the thing was freakin’ out and just kept trying, until that monster Bill clubbed his head against the stone pretty much as hard as he could. Thing dropped limp on the ground and all the pets went quiet all of a sudden. We were all looking at each other in shock. There was this pitbull – he didn’t scare easy – he flipped his lid and just started barking and yanked Bill’s stick out of his hands. Almost pulled that scum in the pit with us. Should’ve pulled him in. We were scared, but we’d have taken his skin off his bones before they pulled him up. He more than deserved what he got in the end.

Crap! I don’t want to do this. It’s not fun anymore. You know how hard I tried to forget that stuff? God damn it! All of these guys are dead. I made double sure. But it still pisses me off to think about it. God frinnin’ damn it! See, this is why I swore to kill the punks to the last man. This is what I saw, and not just then, but for years afterwards. It’s guys like Bill and Eric and that monster Cleveland that made me hate mages, because they just used us pets like meat. They just... *growl* Ack! *inaudible voice* No, that’s OK, Larry! I’m OK! Don’t worry about it! Keep it together, girl. You went through this once, you can do it again. You’re better than this. You’re stronger than this. This won’t happen ever again. No, it won’t. ‘Cause I won’t let it.

In fact, now that I’ve retuned my shield modulators, I should be stronger than ever. Those magic dudes won’t stand a chance. No more rebooting my system. That was a software bug, and Larry’s just about fixed it. No, I won’t fall in their hands ever again. And I’ll make sure others don’t, neither.

*sigh* Back to the story. When they gathered a bunch of animals in the pit, they pulled us up one by one and put us in these green glass boxes on, like, a rack thing. Kind of like in a post office, actually. Every day, they’d pull one of us out of the cage and take us to this... Circle thing drawn on the ground. I think it was supposed to be part of a magical ritual, but since these guys were all idiots, it never worked so who cares? Point is, they took the animals there, did some magic stuff on ‘em and they chained ‘em up in the middle of the circle. At first it’d look like nothing happened and the thing was lucky, but then the... Transformation started. And it was nasty. First they’d swell up, like some nasty disease, but then they’d grow big and turn into kind of human-looking things. They called ‘em “werepeople,” which is about on the same level of stupid as that “Captain Indivisible” guy. Who comes up with these names?

Sorry, sorry... I shouldn’t be making fun of these things, but... It’s really the only way I can cope with that crap. I mean, we became friends over time, and I had to watch my friends turn into these things and then die. How do you handle something like this? I... Just try not to think about it. It’s just... Not fun. Not at all. And I do mean die. I... Guess the idea was to turn us into these human-animal magical beasts, and it... Kind of worked, but then it kind of didn’t. ‘Cause, see, they did turn animals into “werepeople...” Stupid name... But then they died. And they didn’t die clean. Like they didn’t just keel over, no. For some, their flesh started melting off their bones. And I mean literally melting. Looked like a fizzy drink. They screamed like hell. Man, I do NOT want to remember the screams. That was some messed-up crap Cleveland was concocting there.

But that wasn’t the worst of it, oh, no! See, some of ‘em wouldn’t melt, just get, like, big nasty wounds. And if they lived long enough, they eventually went completely insane, and I mean totally out there crazy. You think you’ve seen crazy, like those people who talk to themselves or who think god told them to knife random women? You ain’t seen crap. These guys, it’s like their brains melted inside their heads. They’d start twisting and turning at real awkward angles. Usually either snap their own spines or smash their own heads on the floor. And they shrieked like you wouldn’t believe. You know how I said the melting ones screamed? That was horrible, but the mad ones... Man, those guys could stop your heart. It’s like... That kind of sound should not be coming from a living thing. We all curled up in a corner when the screaming started, but even the pitbull guy... Man, he took all these magic jerks had to dish out and fought through it, but those screams scared even him.

I don’t know what the idiots were trying to do. They kept talking about an army of were people, but... What army? They had, like, a hundred animals, and most of those were dying in the process. What are you gonna’ take over with an army of corpses? They wanted to take over the world, I think, but the world has, like, armies. Real big ones, not just a bunch of animals in a cave. And they have guns and bombs and tanks and stuff. I mean, yeah, the “werepeople” would have been tougher than, like, normal people, but I went through that crap and I’m not THAT much tougher. Sure, I can take a few bullets OK, but I can’t take, like, a frikkin’ grenade to the face. I mean, who could? Well, OK, bad example, but the things they were making sure couldn’t. Hell, they couldn’t even survive!

I... Don’t know if I was lucky or unlucky that I was one of the last animals to be experimented with. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t have been better if I’d just gone first and gotten it over with. Maybe I’d have died and... That might have been OK, really. Or I wouldn’t have, and I’d have managed to help some of the others. But no. I got tagged when it was down to just me, the pitbull and a couple of other cats I didn’t know way over on the other side of the rack. And, believe it or not, that’s when the real nasty stuff happened. They chained me up in the circle and... And...

The hell am I doing? Screw this! I don’t wanna’ remember any of it! Why am I even going back to that crap? I don’t wanna’ talk about it! In fact... I won’t. That’s enough for today. Crap... That’s more than enough for today. God damn... Not fun. Not fun at all. And worst of all, I don’t think it’s helping. At all. Well, maybe if I wanted to hate all mages, I guess, but I don’t! I’m looking for an excuse why I shouldn’t hate ‘em all. Cause some of ‘em I actually like. Like that Pandala girl. She’s a good person. Cute, too, man... I don’t want to hurt her. I... You know what, forget it. Enough for today. My head’s overloading. Gotta’ do something to calm down now. Something cool. Something fun. Hmm... Well, I’m done with calibrations for a while and I’m waiting on Larry to finish on his end, so maybe...

Yeah, why not? I can go mess with him as he works. *giggle* I know he’ll whine about me pawing at his “carefully calibrated” stuff, but he needs to loosen up a bit. Guy’s been cooped up in that lab for, what... Two weeks now? He ain’t been out of the house at all, and he’s starting to get cranky. And weird. Larry always gets weird when he works too much. He’s usually a funny guy, even when I’m laughing AT him, but when he works too much he gets just so damn surly. He always said I brought a smile to his life, so it’s time to go bring him a smile. Even if I have to drag his stubborn *** out of that basement by force to do it. Hey, it pays to have superhuman strength sometimes.

We haven’t been out in a long time, actually. I wonder if that park is still open. I remember when we used to go there just, you know, to be outside in the open air. Then I’d sneak up on him, roll him up in his sleeping bag and roll him around the flats. Ah, fun times! OK, that one was kind of unfair, but hey! He’s the one who started with the practical jokes when he ran quite a bit of DC through my scratching post. My fur was singed for a week! Really, though, if I don’t take him out of the house, he’s just gonna’ set roots on that swivel chair, and it makes me sad to watch him like this.

Yeah, forget this audio log nonsense. Me and Larry are gonna’ have some fun today, whether he likes it or not. Hey, Larry, you got a minute? I got somethin’ to discuss! *inaudible voice* Aw, too bad! Guess I won’t go downstairs, then! *giggle* Oh, this is gonna’ be good!

#end recording

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arcanaville Samuel_Tow is the only poster that makes me want to punch him in the head more often when I'm agreeing with him than when I'm disagreeing with him.

Ooh. I like. I generally don't read this stuff, but I like this one. Sorry, nothing to say beyond that. Makes me wish I could meet her in-game, heh.

#Audio log entry: 3 / Date: Redacted

Hi! *giggle* I’m so happy today! See? Can you see my smile? It’s, like, this big! You can’t see it... Damn, no camera on this thing. Hey, Larry, can you put a camera on my audio recorder?
*inaudible voice* Yeah, I know it’s an AUDIO recorder? Who cares? I want a camera on the thing! *inaudible voice* Well, thanks for nothing, meanine! *inaudible voice* Wha, really? Thanks, sweetie! You’re the best! Ha! I’m gonna’ get me a camera on my audio recorder thingy! *purr* Gets me excited just thinking about it!

Oh, right, why am I happy? Well, we had a great day out today. I had to slap Larry upside the head a few times, but he went along with it. We went to that cool place in the park – big open moor thing, a few big trees to climb and lots of room to run around. It’s so cool to get out of the city once in a while. My brain was starting to get cramps from all the confined spaces. I don’t know how Larry manages to spend all his time in that stuffy basement, but the guy needs a life. And, of course, he was a whining prima donna the whole time, but... Well, that’s Larry for you. Yank him away from his computer and suddenly everything bothers him. Like the sun’s too bright, the grass is too coarse and I’m like, “Guy, chill! Have fun!” and he’s all like “Inconceivable! Fun is illogical!” OK, he didn’t say that, but that’s what he sounded like.

And, of course, we had to get attacked by kobolds. No joke! Well, they probably weren’t Kobolds. I think they were probably those Minions of Moir I kept hearing about, but the buggers looked like kobolds, so that’s what I call ‘em. So we got attacked by kobolds. Always something in this city, lemme’ tell ya! They weren’t too tough, to tell you the truth, but Larry had to go spastic and freaking out, ‘cause “O noes! Monsters!” You know, like the ones I eat for breakfast every day. Feh! But, of course, Larry’s a wimp, so he panics and I had to chase him all over the park just to tell him it’s all safe now. Heh. I thought he was gonna’ whine about it all day, though, but he’s been cool about the whole “almost getting eaten” thing. Maybe he’s growing a spine, I dunno’, but I like Larry when he acts like, you know, a man.

But, yeah, we had fun. I got to run around a bit, and I ain’t done that since... Crap, I don’t even remember since when. Months, probably. Got to climb a few trees... Scared the living daylight out of a squirrel, too. Thing ran like the devil was after it, but I wasn’t gonna’ eat it. Don’t like to hurt defenceless creatures. Probably would have juggled it for a bit, though. Heh. Plus, I got to spend some time with Larry. We don’t see much of each other these days. I’m kind of too big to sleep on his lap now and it’s... Kind of awkward anyway, and he’s always busy working on my gear and stuff. And while that’s cool and all... I miss him. Wish he wouldn’t work as hard and just, you know, hang out a bit. Most I usually get to see him is playing video games together. I gotta’ tell ya, guy’s awesome at video games for a nerd... Or is he awesome BECAUSE he’s a nerd? Either way, he’s always fun to play with. That’s the only time he doesn’t act like a wimp.

*sigh*

OK, I admit it, I’m just stalling. But I don’t wanna’ talk about all that nasty stuff with the wizards and the experiments and all that. It’s not fun... I say “not fun” a lot... Anyway, yeah, it’s not fun and I don’t wannna’ talk about it but... Well, Larry was brave today... As brave as he can be, anyway, so I guess the least I can do is sit down and talk about this. Ugh... Why can’t I talk about something fun, like... Feh! Nah, gotta’ do this. Come on, Po, this isn’t hard. Just tell it like it was and don’t get into the details. OK... OK, I’m good. Where was I? When I got experimented on, I think? Crap, now I remember why I stopped there...

Fine, let’s get this over with. Cleveland and his men pulled me out of my glass cage thing, and at that point it was just down to me, the pitbull and the two cats I didn’t know. They did their ritual thing and... You know, it sucks that I have to keep saying “ritual thing” when I actually know about magical stuff, but I’ve read all the books I had and for the life of me I’ve no idea what those idiots were trying to do. It ain’t in any of the manuscripts, so I think they were making this up as they went along. The demon dude who possessed Cleveland... Wait, I know his name... QuasVasilar, that’s it! So the Quas dude who possessed Cleveland was said to be some kind of renegade demon who rebelled against the something or other and wanted to invent... Something. A new field of magic, I think. Don’t really care about their politics. I only care where I have to stab ‘em to kill ‘em. Anyway, the demon dude was trying to “invent” new magic, and it wasn’t going well. What a shocker! It actually pisses me off that he’d test his crap on animals before he even knew what the hell he was doing!

Anyway, they chained me in the middle of the mystic circle thing, and they did this really weird chant... Like, really weird. Ain’t herd another like it since. Don’t know what it did, but I felt a nasty cold chill and it felt like my heart was gonna’ beat out of my chest. It hurt like you wouldn’t believe! Like, you can’t breathe from the pain, you know? So they did their business and kind of left me there. And at first it wasn’t so bad. I mean, it hurt like hell, but I’ve had worse. But then the pain started going away, and it wasn’t ‘cause I was getting better. It was actually ‘cause my flesh was melting off my bones. Literally. First an arm would go numb, then these nasty sores would open up, and then the... Crap, said no details! What the hell’s wrong with me?

And you’re probably thinking, like “Oh, that ain’t so bad. It’s like a big bruise or nasty road rash, right?” Wrong! ‘Cause it ain’t just the skin which degenerates. It’s everything. Like organs and all that. So you start to feel sick, and sick like you wouldn’t believe, and your kidneys give out, and you start to bleed from... Oh, for crap’s sake! No details! Hold it together, Po! Think, then talk! Damn it! So, yeah. That. Not fun, not nice, and I honestly thought I was gonna’ die. Might have been the easier way out, really. Why? Well, cause afterwards the madness started. And if you think seeing your flesh melt off your bones like aspirin is bad, you don’t know crap.

You know what? Put it off. I need a break. I kind of figured that out last time. I can’t do too much at a single stretch, but if I keep stopping every time it’s too much this’ll take months. And I don’t want to spend months remembering all of that horror show. So I’ll be taking little breaks when I get pissed off. You know, to talk about the kind of stuff I wanna’ talk about. Can’t really talk about this with Larry. Dude doesn’t care. I mean, sure, he’s sweet and all and he’ll listen, but I know he doesn’t care, so I don’t wanna’ bother him. Come to think of it, I’m actually having lots of fun just talking about fun things here to the recorder. Maybe I should keep doing this when I’m done with the horror story? Yeah, I think I’ll do that. This thing’s got, like, loads of hard drive space, so I might as well.

So, yeah, break – and a good thing, to boot. Blade Kitten’s coming out for the PC tomorrow! *squee* I know, right! Awesome! Sure, I don’t spend much time playing games, ‘cause that’s more Larry’s thing, but man! This one’s gonna’ be so cool! I saw, like, a bunch of trailers, and I love it! Sure, it’s kind of simplistic, but who cares about dense stories! It’s got a cat and a blade in it, and they’re kickin’ *** and takin’ names! Rockin’! I’ve already played the demo, like, fifty times. Can’t get enough of this game. Tomorrow is gonna’ be an awesome day! I don’t think it has multiplayer, so Larry’s probably not gonna’ like it. He seems to prefer beating other players online. Me? Nah. Don’t need that crap. Gimme’ somethin’ cool and I’m golden!

Yeah, anyway, break’s over. Back to the story. The stupid, nasty story. Damn I don’t want to do this... OK, let’s just get this over with. What was I saying? Madness? Right, that. The madness the spell gave me was... Weird. In a bad way. It’s like this nasty nightmare made up of monsters and hurting and... Hell, I don’t even know how to describe it. It just sucks. A lot. You keep trying to wake up, you keep trying to scream, only you can’t, ‘cause it’s all in your head. Don’t mean your body’s not doin’ all sorts of creepy contortions, though, and you scream like... Death, really. I don’t know what I screamed like, but the others screamed bad. Chilled me to the bone, that sound. Me, I was scared out of my mind for... I dunno. Days, weeks maybe? Can’t really tell time in that situation. It felt like weeks, anyway. It’s just constant horror, like you’re always dying, but you never actually die. Brr... Do not want to remember that little nightmare! Ew!

Thing is, though, after a while of this I stopped being scared. I mean, I was still start raving mad, ‘least that’s what they tell me, but it wasn’t ‘cause I was afraid any more, but more because I was pissed off. Like, big time. I got tired of being afraid, tired of being used like this. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired, basically. So I... Kind of yelled at the illusions until they went away. Not really sure how that worked, to be honest. Larry says that I entered some kind of state where I didn’t care if I’d live or die and just wanted to take out the dudes who were doing this to me and... I guess he’s right, but I just don’t remember. All I know is I got so mad I started seeing stars and then just kind of started seeing normal again.

Cleveland was surprised. Heh... Dude was so dumb he was surprised when his experiment worked. Glad to see you had so much confidence in yourself, guy. Smooth. They kind of circled around me for a while, ‘cause I’m flailing like a beast over there. And I was. I was pissed off, and I wanted to claw the punks to ribbons, so they were afraid. And I still smile when I remember them stumbling backwards every time I’d growl. Losers! You chain down a cat with, like, these boat anchor chains and you’re still afraid to get near, huh? Yeah, and with good reason! Anyway, they eventually managed to blindside me and stuff me in this large tank made of... Glass? Crystal? I dunno, something sort of greenish and transparent, but too hard to break through. Well, not too hard, though, ‘cause I put a whole bunch of claw marks on the inside, but that’s besides the point.

And... You know, I don’t think I’ll be taking a break for the moment. This is kind of the... Less nasty part, ‘cause this is the part where I started getting better and getting back at the guys for all the nasty crap they did, so it’s less unpleasant to talk about. Anyway, I was still half-loopy and seeing things for a while, but eventually my head started clearing up and I noticed my wounds weren’t getting any worse. Well, they weren’t getting any better, but you take what you get. That, and it kind of freaked me out how much my body had changed. Like I said before, I was just a normal house cat way back when, so I was pretty small and... Well, cat-shaped. But when I saw my reflection in the crystal thing, I looked more like... Well, more like a human. I guess that was the point, but I’d never seen any of the other animals change this much. I guess they just died before it could happen.

I actually like this body better, though. Sure, it’s not as easy to squeeze into tight spaces any more, but I’m a lot stronger now, so it doesn’t feel that much heavier. ‘Sides, you know how freakin’ awesome it is to have opposable thumbs? You guys don’t know how good you have it! Hell, I’m just glad to have fingers at all. Now I can open doors, work the computer, use a screwdriver, make a fist, all that cool stuff I’d only ever seen Larry do. It’s great! Only bummer is all my old toys are too small to play with now that I’m bigger, but I’ve been buying bigger toys these days. Like... Oh, I totally forgot! There’s this huge beach ball made of some kind of bulletproof polymer that I got in the mail yesterday and I haven’t even opened it yet! This one’s gonna’ be so cool! I can, like, play with it anyway I like and I don’t have to worry about putting a claw through the thing and losing yet another one. I’ve been looking for something decent to chase around for, like, a year! Guess saving that ballistics scientist and his wife from Krogdor the Devourer’s finally paying off!

Actually, I think I’m gonna’ sign off here. It’s kind of a good point to end it for now, ‘cause if I get into how I escaped, then I’m gonna’ be here for another hour, and I got, like, stuff to do and all that. My phase sword’s been on the fritz all week, and I think I’m gonna’ have to get it a new power coupling, plus I promised that neighbour kid I’d come to his show and tell day. Bet he’ll be the only one in school to show off a magic energy sink! Then again, with how this city is, I wouldn’t be surprised if someone brought in alien tech or, like, a dinosaur egg. So, yeah. I got some work to do on my gear, I gotta’ get that gizmo ready for school and if I’m lucky, I’ll manage to get Larry out of his basement for a bit just to play together. He’s been loosening up a bit lately, and it’s all cool.

Oh, yeah, and I got an e-mail from that sorcerer guy, what’s his name? Something Jack. Yeah, he says he needs my help with... Something. I didn’t really read it. But he’s a cool cat, so yeah. I’ll help him. Still not sure how I feel about it, really, but hey – if he helps me bag a few more mage deadbeats, then it’s all fine by me. Why does a sorcerer have an e-mail account on Yahoo, anyway? Who uses that anymore? Ugh, I’m starting to ramble here, so I’m just going to end this audio log and I’ll see what comes up tomorrow. Should be a fun day. Can’t wait!

#end recording

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arcanaville Samuel_Tow is the only poster that makes me want to punch him in the head more often when I'm agreeing with him than when I'm disagreeing with him.

#Audio log entry: 4 / Date: Redacted

Today’s been a... Weird day. But weird in a good way, though. I went to help that Jack guy and... I actually almost slept in. I was having my mid-day nap and I, like, completely forgot about him. But, hey, I made it just in the nick of time, so who cares, right? Anyway, he needed my help with this Cult of the... Dragon? I think it was Dragon... Anyway, they were some real nasty dudes. Heard they were sacrificing a person a day for... Some reason. I never really tangled with ‘em before, just heard rumours and stuff.

Anyway, I’m not sure what Jack needed me for, ‘cause he looked like he could take ‘em all out by himself, but I guess I had to distract them while he performed a ritual thing or something like that. Don’t know, don’t care. I got to put a bunch of murdering bastards in early graves and Jack managed to stop a huge demon thing from coming through this portal they had opened up. Ugly mother, too, that thing. It had, like, this face that looked like someone stepped on his mouth and the flaming eyes and those horns on the shoulders that look like they’ll poke it in the head every time it looked around. Demons, you know?

Anyway, yeah, it’s been a weird day. First time I’ve ever worked WITH a mage, but hell! Guy made my work a whole lot easier. Normally, I’d have had to fight that demon thing, myself. OK, so Jack says I stood no chance... At least I think that’s what he said. It’s so hard to tell with that weird robotic voice of his. I don’t know why the dude wears this, like, iron bucket on his head, but he sounds like Microsoft Sam through it. And you can’t tell what his thinking, either, like I’ll be joking and he’ll give me the glowing blue eyes stare and go “Yes, let us go.” Bo-ring! But, eh, I know how to deal with stiff guys. I live with one, after all.

Plus, Jack’s a real cool cat. Like, he helped me out big time on this one. The way he put that demon back down to hell was just amazing, and I don’t think he really got anything out of it. I did some digging on him, by the way, and it looks like he’s doing all this good stuff as some kind of redemption mission, like, he did something at some point and now he’s trying to make up for it. I don’t really care about his past, though. Not like mine’s all clean. Long as the guy helps me do the right thing, he’s OK in my book.

And then I come home and Larry has a surprise for me. He got my camera working! I was so happy I was all over him, giving him hugs and kisses and all that, and he’s all turning red like a turnip and stuttering! Ha! He’s so cute when he does that. Hmm... I wonder if... Nah, that’d probably weird out the guy. Anyway, he got my camera working, and I was so happy and all, but... I don’t think I’ll be using it. See, thing’s real cool, but it makes me feel... Awkward. Like there’s always someone watching me, and I always have to behave. And, feh! I don’t wanna’ behave! That’s, like, no fun at all! ‘Sides, I don’t like to have cameras always in my room. Even when the thing’s off, it feels like it’s watching me. So, yeah, we took the camera out. I felt bad about making Larry do all this work, though, so I promised that I’d sign up with that stupid online game with him. What was it called now? World of something? Anyway, that thing bores me to tears, but I kind of owed it to the guy, so yeah. Be brave, girl! This is for Larry!

You know... I’ve been doing some thinking on that whole nasty story I started telling about my kidnapping and all and... It kind of doesn’t bother me as much anymore. I mean, yeah, it’s nasty and all that, sure, but I’m sort of starting to get over it, kind of. Now, don’t take me wrong, it still makes me mad to think about it, but I’m kind of... Accepting it, I guess. Besides, I’m starting to realise it sounds a lot easier if I keep off the bad details and focus on the things that made it bearable. Like, oh! That was totally cool... In a nasty way, sure, but it was cool! See, when I survived their stupid ritual, I was totally flipping out, like real bad. To the point where those guys panicked like squirrels every time I roared in their general direction. So I kind of made it into a little game to startle ‘em every chance I got. Like Eric will be there, skulking around, trying to get a look at the last few caged animals when SCREECH! I’d just dig my claws into the glass thing and pull down hard. Made this horrible, loud sound, like nails on a chalk board, and it always made the guy jump out of his pants. Ha! Jerk deserved it.

Yeah, I know, it probably makes me sound like a jerk, myself, but you gotta’ remember that I was still half-way off my rocker, and I still had huge wounds all over my body. Wasn’t really thinking straight and, yeah, I got real mean then. Not real happy about this, but it is what it is. Anyway, worst part of it was I had to watch the last three animals get put through the experiment, as well. Couldn’t really do anything about the two cats, they just deteriorated and died too fast. But that pitbull guy... Man, that pitbull was a BEAST. Took, like, six guys just to get him chained up, and even then he almost took the arm off one of ‘em. Heh. Anyway, they did their thing on him, but the guy was... Man, that pitbull was tough. Didn’t squeal, didn’t whine, didn’t even flinch as his muscles turned to jelly. That was... Man, I ain’t never seen a braver dog than that guy.

That’s actually what really helped me work up the nerve to escape. I thought I was dealing with the horror show well, but I was, like, kicking and screaming and whining and growling the whole time. And I’d survived relatively easy, too! That dog died with more dignity than I’d ever had. God damn mages! See, this is what pisses me off! They took this really cool dog and killed it, and for what? So stupid Cleveland could prove that he was an idiot! Damn that guy! He had no right to do this! He had no right to destroy something so cool! He... Argh! You know what? Break time. Time for something good. Time for something nice. Time for... Oh, yeah, that!

I totally got to get together with Pandala today! Sweet! Off the clock, too, so no nasty demon slime and stuff to ruin the mood. Just called her up when I got home, and she agreed to meet. She’s so sweet! She sounds like she’s a thousand years old though... Come to think of it, she might actually be. Anyway, I love listening to her stories. They all come off like morals and all that, but she says they’re all true, and they’re pretty cool. Kind of deep, actually. Never really thought about most of that stuff. Like, there was that one about how greed leads to... Real bad stuff, basically. OK, so I can’t retell it very well, but it was good. ‘Sides, she’s cute, too. She’s big like... Well, like a giant panda, which is what she basically is, but she’s not... Round like what you see in the pictures. I wanna’ be like her when I grow up. Yeah, she’s, like a thousand years old, and I’m, like, five. Wonder if I can ever be as wise as her...

I actually think that’s why the pitbull was so amazing. He was pretty much the oldest of the lot, like 15 or something like that, and a guard dog, too, so the guy was as grizzled as they come. Never gave up, never complained, never stopped fighting. I wanted to be like him. Figured it was stupid to just whine about my predicament and just do petty pranks. Figured I had to do something big – like escape. See, Cleveland’s men had these... Magic sticks, I forgot what they called them. They worked like stun rods – if you get zapped by one in the back, you go down like a sack a’ spuds. So they came to zap me with their sticks, I think to move me to another cage or do more experiments or something, and that’s when I took my chance. Figured I had nothing to lose, so I was gonna’ fight till I dropped. I’d clawed enough of the crystal off the wall, so I managed to basically shatter the thing in their faces when they came to get me and I just legged it from there.

They managed to zap me with their stupid stick, and a few times, too, but I was just not gonna’ have any of it. Heh. Turns out their damn ritual had made me stronger than they thought, so I didn’t go down easy. So, yeah, I basically shoved my way through the mages and even managed to claw Cleveland in the face but good! I ran like hell for, like, an hour. The guys were holding us way deep underground. Kicked through a flimsy wooden door right at the end of a tunnel and that led me outside. And in broad daylight, no less, like noon on a sunny day. I don’t know why, but I kept thinking it would be night outside. Maybe ‘cause it was so dark in the caves? I dunno.

Anyway, I came out in this park that Larry used to take me to, back where we lived at the time, so I kind of knew the place. I was still loopy from the stupid illusion... Things, and I was starting to notice how nasty my wounds were. You can’t really see them well in candle light, but in broad daylight, they were SCARY! Ugh... Do not want to remember that part, so no details there. But I knew the area... Kind of. So, yeah, I did the only thing I could do – I went back home. I mean, what do you expect a cat to do? I didn’t know how to speak back then, I didn’t know about the police or anything. All I knew was I was hurt and I wanted to go home. Yeah, it was pathetic, but what are you gonna’ do?

Heh... This next one is kind of funny. Larry almost fainted when he saw me at the door. I mean, how’d you react if you looked out the window and saw a giant cat covered in blood staring at you? He jumped out of his chair and did, like, a barrel roll almost. Think I gave him the fright of his life back then. Eventually, though, he came to his senses and recognised me, despite all the nasty transformations. Turns out he’d been devastated when I went missing and had looked for me all over the place, but he just couldn’t find me. I know he doesn’t show it these days, but Larry really cares about me. I mean, when he realised it was me, he just hugged me and cried for, like, fifteen minutes straight. Got blood all over his shirt, but the guy didn’t care. He tries to act all distant now – guys just don’t want to show their feelings for some stupid reason. But I know how he feels. That’s kind of why I can’t be mad at him for very long. He’s my buddy, and I gotta’ take care of him as he takes care of me.

I mean, it’s not like he has a girlfriend or anything. Oh, there was this skank who followed him around a while ago and she was... Ugh! You know the type – big bleached hair, horrible make-up, squeaky nasal voice, clingy and all that. Ew! Oh, sure, Larry was smitten, but the guy’s a nerd, so what do you expect? I knew she wasn’t right for him, though. She was just looking for a sugar daddy, and Larry was pretty well off. I hate women like that! It didn’t work out, though. Turns out dumb blonds don’t like guys who keep giant growling cat-people who always look at them mean. Never had to lay a claw on the woman, just had to give her “the look” and she’d start sweating like a pig and stuttering. Heh, that didn’t last long. But it’s all for the better, anyway. I heard she married some rich old fart a few months ago and they’re already getting divorced. Figures. Larry deserves better than that. Hmm... I wonder if Pandala is single... Oh, what am I thinking. She’s like a thousand years old. Phht!

Oh, that reminds me – I actually did invite Pandala to come help me clean up that cave of demons I was talking about like... When was that, actually? A couple of days ago? Doesn’t matter. Anyway, she agreed, and gladly. Said something about the dangers of letting sleeping dogs lie, but I didn’t quite catch the moral of that one. I think she meant it’s good to take care of problems before they become problems, but I dunno. She likes to speak in riddles a lot, but it’s kind of cool. She’s smart enough to do it. I wonder if she’ll want to come over afterwards. I wanna’ show her my new video game.

Oh, and that big beach ball thing! Man, that was even better than I thought it would be! I thought it would be, like, real heavy and stuff, but it’s actually pretty light... Like a beach ball, really. It bounces around good, too, ‘cause I inflated it a lot so it’s stiff. I just, ah... Gotta’ play with the thing outside. Larry’s trying to play it cool, but I know he’s still mad that I broke the case for his Nobel prize. I feel SO bad about that one... But the guy’s been acting real cool of late. He doesn’t grumble so much, he makes more time for me and, hell, he even comes up to hang out during the day. Like, I’ll be sitting there, pawing that toy mouse he got me for Christmas last year, when all of a sudden he’s in the room going “Wassup, Po!” and I’m like “Larry!” and then I roll-tackle him across the room. I hope he didn’t hurt his back on the coffee table, but I was just so happy to see him out of that basement without having to lure him out with food.

Oh, and, speaking of which, the guy can’t cook worth crap. We used to have a maid that would cook dinner for him, but she could never get the cat hair out of her outfit, so she quit. I’ve had to cook for Larry ever since, and man is it a good thing he likes fish, ‘cause I can’t do a lot else. Actually, that’s not true. I found this awesome cook book online, and I’ve been trying stuff from that for a while now, and it’s working great! Larry hasn’t even whined once since then, so I must be doing something right. And believe me – for Larry to not whine is, like, a big thing, cause’ he’s a whining wimp. So, yay me! Actually I think I hear him coming up the stairs. Larry, is that you coming up? *inaudible voice* Really? Sweet! OK, I gotta’ end this audio log. I’m getting some cuddle time with my guy. Score!

#end recording

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arcanaville Samuel_Tow is the only poster that makes me want to punch him in the head more often when I'm agreeing with him than when I'm disagreeing with him.

#Audio log entry: 4 / Date: Redacted

Omygodomygodomygod! You are not gonna’ believe this! She said yes! She actually said yes! Pandala came over today, and I still can’t believe it happened! She’s so awesome! *squee* OK, OK, calm down, Po, calm down. But this was so awesome! I totally have to tell you about this! So, like, we went to clean out that demon cave like I said, but I’ll talk about that later, ‘cause this is better! So we killed the demons and I’m like “Hey, wanna’ come over to my house and hang out?” and she’s like “Sure!” OK, so she didn’t say that... More like... Some kind of riddle or moral or something, but that’s what she meant. So we came in and I really wanted to show her that cool video game, but I don’t wanna’ act like some kind of fangirl, so I play it cool, show her around the room and hope she takes interested my PC. Eventually, though, I just said it, and she agreed! And man is she good at video games! You wouldn’t think, like, a thousand year old panda would be good at this stuff, but she kicked my ***! I’m starting to think I just suck at gaming, though.

Anyway, we had a lot of fun with that. Sure, I lost, but it was cool to be beaten by Pandala, ‘cause she was cool about it. Not like Larry, always rubbing it my face, the jerk. Nah, she was sweet about it, like, she always said I did well and I impressed her and such. But she had fun, too. She has this really cute giggle that you wouldn’t expect, cause she’s so big and all, but she’s a big softy inside, turns out. Oh, speaking of big, we did some sparring afterwards, and man! Pandala is quick! And I mean, you can’t even see ‘er move! I didn’t think someone as big as her could move so fast, but damn! I gotta’ work on my agility, and big time! Good thing, though, is she offered to train me and spar some more. TOMORROW! Like, she’s coming over again! Can you say BFF?

Hell, she even gets along with Larry, and that’s saying something there. Guy’s got the social skills of a dead body, but Pandala’s got patience like you wouldn’t believe. I mean, I can sit down and stare at Larry for 12 hours on the clock, and even I couldn’t stand to listen to one of his “before games got dumbed down for the masses” monologues, but she sat through that crap for half an hour! And she never complained, not once! Man... I wanna’ be like her when I grow up, for real this time! She’s just wise and mature, like an old... Wise and mature woman... But then she’s not stiff and boring like that old fart at the university last year, eh! When Pandala smiles, she’s like a little kid, and goofy, too. Like, we spent something like a full hour just slapping that big beach ball around and giggling like idiots, and she’s a thousand years old!

So, yeah, I found me a new best friend... And she’s a magical creature. Talk about awkward. I actually told her about my dilemma... Bad move, I know. But she was cool about it. Said she understood completely, but told me I had to... Something. Find my own wisdom or my own destiny or some such. Why can’t people ever give useful advice? The way it’s going I might as well just start cracking fortune cookies and that’s, like, ew! Do you know what those taste like? Yuck! Took me a week to get that taste off my tongue last time. Never again!

But I guess she and Larry have a point. This is my problem and I really have to figure it out on my own. Gotta’ take responsibility for my own like, you know? In fact, I think Larry can tell this is bugging me, ‘cause he’s been extra nice of late. He’s starting to come out of his basement more, and we just... Sort of sit and talk, and we ain’t talked like this for months, probably. Ever since he started that stupid Prometheus project. I mean, who cares about cold fusion, guy? I wanna’ spend more time with you! Kind of reminds me of how we were way back when I first came back, actually. Larry was so emotional he wouldn’t leave my side, like, ever! Couldn’t stop hugging me, too, but I kind of needed the attention. Kept my mind off the pain and the madness stuff.

Come to think of it, he probably saved my *** big time back then. If I’d just been taken to, like, a hospital with those faceless doctors that go “we’re sorry to say that your condition is critical and we couldn’t give a damn” I’d have probably flipped out fast. But Larry, he was sweet. Took care of me, dressed my wounds, even went as far as to invent the Autodoc, just for me. OK, I don’t know if he invented it, but how many girls can say their guy built them an alien tech healing machine? Guy was around me 27/4, and he cried his eyes out, too. And I can’t blame ‘im. My wounds were so bad I looked like a side of beef, and I’d thrash around every time he left the room.

But then I got better, and I was pissed off like all hell. See, when you’re hurt, you don’t really care about the people who did it to you, but when you get better, you totally wanna’ get the bastards. I totally couldn’t believe they’d be dumb enough to not move their operation, but Cleveland and his men are dumber than you’d think. I guess they figured I’d dissolve out in the park or something, but man! You get compromised, you relocate! Idiots! Anyway, I sniffed around the cave entrance, and sure enough, there was Eric bringing in another bag of kittens. They were at it again, and I was determined to do something about it. Like hell I’m gonna’ let those bozos kill more innocent critters.

Larry wouldn’t let me go, of course. Guy turned pale when I told him what I wanted to do. Said it was suicide and all that. Heh... Larry always worries too much. It’s sweet, but it really gets in the way sometimes. Like yesterday! I told him I was gonna’ go clean out that cave of demons out with Pandala, and he’s all like “Don’t go, it’s dangerous!” and “Can you trust that woman” and blah, blah, blah. Dude kept me waiting for, like, 45 minutes listening to this. Got me late to the meeting, too, but Pandala was cool about it. Great patience, like I said. She is so awesome! We went in there and started takin’ ‘em down, and hell! I barely got any kills in. She was just goin’ at it like we were running out of demons or something. That woman is amazing! I totally have to get her to teach me those awesome moves. She does that way cool double flip claw slash that I just gotta’ learn to do! Man, I seriously scored with her. Nice, strong and a damn good playmate. Sweet!

What was I saying before that? Oh, right, Larry. Well, I was pushing to go, ‘cause I was still kind of off my rocker, but Larry was begging me to stay, so we made kind of a deal. If he could whip up some tech to protect me in a day, I’d use it. And when I say a day, I mean one entire frikkin’ day. The guy worked for, like, 38 hours straight. Didn’t sleep, didn’t eat, didn’t even take a break. Never seen him do that since, but I guess he wasn’t gonna’ let me go out naked. He didn’t come up with much. I mean, how much can you come up with in day? But he did have this cool chest plate with shields built into it and... Oh! That’s when he first made my phase sword. It didn’t actually phase at the time, though, not like it can now. It just had this energy blade thing that could cut through solid steel. He showed me on this big flagpole he used to have. Pretty funny demonstration, too, cause he cut it kind of at an angle and the thing almost fell on top of him. I laugh about it now, but it was pretty scary then.

Anyway, a deal’s a deal, so I grabbed the chest and the sword and... Well, it was kind of weird at first. I mean, I’m a cat. I’m used to using my claws and my teeth, so I was pretty awkward with the sword, but hey – you learn as you do with these things. So I go back to the cave and these guys are still at it, still murdering innocent pets, and it still pisses me off to remember that crap. I kept my cool, though. I mean, I was tough, but their damn magic sticks hurt like a son of a... Damn I still get chills when I remember them! I figured I could sneak around and take out Cleveland when he was off in his room... Chamber... Thing... All alone gloating about how much of an idiot he was. And I did. This QuasVasSomething demon must have been the Lord of Stupidity or something, ‘cause I didn’t run into any mystic wards on the way. Sure, I didn’t know to look out for ‘em at the time, but that’s all the more reason why I should have run into some. Turns out they never put down any. Morons.

So I confront Cleveland in his room, but he spots me. And then the guy goes off on this 15-minute rant about how much everyone else sucks, how invulnerable he is, yatta, yatta, yatta. On and on and on, like... Shut the hell up, guy! Nobody cares! Eventually he went into this endless booming laugh that went on for, like two minutes straight, so I just walked up to him and stabbed him through the chest. Sword went through like he wasn’t even there. I guess he was only invulnerable to physical attacks. Sucks to be you, dude! So Cleveland goes down and he sort of explodes in a giant fireball and all the other guys start rushing in to see, so I kind of walked out the room and attacked ‘em from behind. Took out one or two, the rest panicked and scattered like bugs. Would have probably let ‘em leave, but that moron Eric goes “We have to destroy the animals!” and I’m like “Huh? Why?” I never quite understood why, honestly. Something about evidence, I think. Anyway, I wasn’t gonna’ let ‘em just dump the critters in a lava pit, so I picked the idiots off one at a time. They were too busy running through the dark cave like headless chickens to notice me hiding around a corner.

Eric I cut down in a room off to the side. The guy was trying to bag a whole lot of... I think they were mystical artefacts. Either that or gold. Either way, he was trying to cash and run, but he got what he deserved. Bill, though, got the real bonus. Him I staked to the ground right in front of the animal cages. Nasty hit, too. I got it in a leap from this crane thing they had to move the cages around. Just then, all the animals went quiet. They’d been barking and meowing and basically screaming their throats inside out, but when they saw that villain get what was coming for him, they all shut up quick. I don’t know if I gave ‘em any closure, but I sure as hell shut down Cleveland’s damn cult. Set the pets free, too. I hope they found their way home. Larry said he called in some kind of animal protection activists or some such to help out, so it all turned out OK.

And... That’s pretty much the whole story. The rest’s kind of more of the same, you know. I kill mages and break Larry’s gear, he whines like a little girl but fixes it anyway, then he makes new gear, then I have to fix his mistakes, ‘cause he writes code like a monkey, then I kill more mages. Sure, there are weird times, like when I killed that wizard guy, but it turned out I hadn’t really killed him, but then it turned out I had but he was some god-like thing, but then it turn out I just had to kill him again and such, but that’s fairly rare.

Most of my time these days I spend killing mages, and re-killing them if necessary, and using what time I have left over to try and get Larry’s *** uprooted from his workstation, which is a feat in itself, lemme’ tell ya! Dude’s addicted to his work. Well, was, anyway. He’s been really sweet of late, and I gotta’ be honest here – I love it. The guy can act like a jerk when he’s in one of his moods, but he’s still my best buddy. I just wish I could get him outta’ the house more. Sure, he whines like a baby when we’re out, but I know he has fun, even though he won’t admit it, ‘cause he’s always retelling that time when he almost got sucked into hell, or that time some dude tried to rob him but I just picked the guy up by his collar and hung him on a tree, all of those old stories. He’s a lot of fun when he loosens up some, though. It’s just hard to get him to do that.

Oh, and I say it’s always been “like that,” but it actually ain’t been like that since we came here to this city. I mean, it was all fire and brimstone and stuff back at the old house, but man, screw that place! That was one crazy town, like a whole city of villains or something. Ugh, nasty! Don’t know what is up with those guys over there, but they’re, like, all jerks and meanies, and for no reason! I’m like... What the hell is wrong with you, people? Why do you gotta’ go out and make deals with the devil? Why do you gotta’ mess up my day having to trapse through nasty caves and sewers looking to kill your *****? Can’t we all just, like, play nice?

Well... Turns out we can, or at least the people here can. I mean, I’ve met all manner of nice people since me and Larry moved in, and the house ain’t been broken into once. I almost feel bad that Larry had to bust his butt installing sentry guns. You know how much these things weigh? And he’s a scrawny dude! So, yeah, nice people all around. Sure, there’s a whole bunch of bad guys, but there’s also this, like, huge number of good guys, too, so there’s actual law and order and stuff. Always wondered what that would be like. And, ‘course, I got me a new BFF, too! Man, that Pandala is so cool! Great body, sharp mind, and she likes video games! Does it GET any better? I think not!

Oh, and this Jack guy? Well, turns out I impressed him that time we did that thing, so he’s been spamming my inbox ever since. I’ve got, like, seven e-mails from him. Useful stuff, though, even if I had to dig ‘em out of my junk mail folder. Guy knows what he’s talking about. He sent me scans of some wicked-awesome books, like there’s this beastmaster’s encyclopaedia thing that lists pretty much everything a warlock can summon out of whatever that plane is called. Man, I’d have LOVED to have that when I faced that Doomeater dude. Would have made fighting his legions of nasties a whole lot easier, oh, man! He’s got, like, this HUUUGE library of books like that, and he’s, just,offering to let me browse it. Like, out of the goodness of his heart, I guess. I think I can trust him. I mean, his record is all clean, and he’s been all cool so far, saving kittens and helping people and all that.

You know, I’ve been going on for, like, an hour now? Hey, Larry, what time is it! *inaudible voice* Wow, hell! Seriously? *inaudible voice* Yeah, no, I haven’t forgotten, babe! Gimme’ five minutes to wrap this up and I’ll be right down! Crap, I completely forgot! I promised Larry I’d help him out on this raid thing in that game he’s playing. Boring stuff, yeash! But I promised and they’re about to start, so I gotta’ go. On the bright side, if it goes well he’ll be happy, so I can probably convince him to go out and catch a movie or something. There’s this cool movie about aliens or something that came out yesterday, and I know Larry will be all over the science gaffs and all that, but... Well, that’s Larry. His quirks make him cuter, you know? *inaudible voice* Yeah, I’ll be right down, Larry! Alright, looks like I won’t have time for a moral today, but I can probably squeeze another log entry tomorrow before Pandala comes over. *inaudible voice* Geez, I’m comin’! I’m comin’!

#end recording

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arcanaville Samuel_Tow is the only poster that makes me want to punch him in the head more often when I'm agreeing with him than when I'm disagreeing with him.

#Audio log entry: 5 / Date: Redacted

Aw, man... Yeah, I know I said I’d do another one of these, like, “tomorrow,” but it’s been hectic as all hell around here. Took me... Sheesh, I don’t even remember. Let’s see... Huh? Why doesn’t this thing show dates? Larry, why doesn’t my audio recorder show dates? *inaudible voice* No, it doesn’t! It just says “Redacted!” *inaudible voice* What security issues? Who gives a damn about when I... You know what, never mind! *inaudible voice* I said never mind! Geez. Oh, crap, now he’ll feel guilty. Ugh... I’ll go see him later.

Anyway, things have been really hectic here. Pandala’s been, like, my best friend ever, and she’s been coming over every day! Can you believe that? She’s helping me learn all of those weird flips and spins she can do, can you believe that? Sweet! She’s a super-cool teacher, too, like she’s patient and doesn’t yell at me and stuff. Not like Larry, god no! Guy has no patience for anything. Like, yesterday, he was showing me how to work that quantum recharger unit and every time I ask him what to do he’ll be all like “Argh! I told you already!” and I’m like chill, guy! You told me, like, a zillion times! I forget, you know? Stupid Larry and his tantrums! Yeah, let ‘im feel guilty for a bit. I’ll check on him later. Like, after my nap, probably.

Anyway, though, I’ve been spending a LOT of time with Pandala, and I mean like, a whole frikkin’ lot! We train every day, and I’m actually getting pretty good at this stuff. Sure, I knew how to do the simpler things, like flips and spins and climbing on walls and such... Except not in the house. I am SO embarrassed about that widescreen TV I wrecked with the curtain rail. Oops! Musta’ cost, like... I dunno, thousands? Anyway, Larry emptied this big huge garage thing for me, and we turned it into kind of sort of a gym where we’ve been training. And we do this for, I dunno... A few hours a day, like, every day. Takes a lot of time, but it’s paying off. And when we’re not in sparring, we go out for, like, walks. Parks, shopping, cafes, that sort of thing.

Pandala’s really sweet about taking me around town. I ain’t really gone out much on my own before. I mean, besides when I go out to ventilate a mage or wipe out a hive of darkspawn or something, but I don’t really go out to have fun then. I’m like “where’s the next roof I can jump to” or “where’s the darkest alley I can hide in.” I’m never like “Ooh, I wanna’ try that cute little dress on!” You don’t have time for that stuff when you’re out hinting for the kill, you know. Been doing a lot of that with Pandala, though. I keep wondering why she’s taking me to these clothe stores when she doesn’t wear any clothes, but I guess with that huge thick fur coat of hers, she couldn’t if she wanted to. Hell, I don’t know how she doesn’t sweat buckets inside that thing. It’s, like, 100 degrees outside these days, and she acts like it’s all cool.

Oh, and on top of all that, Jack got me enrolled into... Ah, what did they call them now? Licensed something or other, I dunno. I didn’t really pay attention, ‘cause I had this, like, ten page agreement I had to read through and who wants to sit down and read ten pages of lawyer speak? Basically, I think it just means, like, the authorities let me do my stuff without trying to arrest me. ‘Cause I gotta’ tell ya, it was getting pretty hairy hiding from the cops all the time when I ain’t done nonthin’ wrong. I mean, I didn’t wanna’ hurt the guys, ‘cause they’re just doing their job, and they do a good job, too. But then I didn’t wanna’ get arrested and have to break out and stuff, ugh! That could get ugly. So, yeah, cops won’t bother me now, and hell – they’ll even pay for my expenses. Well, kind of. There’s some kind of complicated calculation going on about how much I need to do to get how much credit, but basically if I take out mages, I get more credits. And that’s pretty cool, actually.

Not really sure where the catch is here, though. I mean, they let me do what I was gonna’ do anyway, and they pay me for it? What do they get out of it? Well, anyway, Larry read the whole agreement, and he says it makes sense. Well, he said a whole bunch of things, but the guy can make a rollercoaster sound boring, so I didn’t catch much of it. Point is, Larry says it’s all legit, and I trust him, so I’m going with it.

So, yeah. Now that I got enrolled, I keep getting e-mails about crimes in progress and criminal investigation and all that stuff... Oh, and I have access to police databases, too. How cool is that! So Jack’s been pestering me to work on a whole bunch of cases. I don’t mind, though. Don’t know if he does it on purpose, but Jack picks some real nasty scum to take out, so I’m all for it. Like that Trogold guy. Takes children out of their homes at night and... Ugh! Don’t even wanna’ think about it. He’s meat now, though. Literally. He had this spell that turned people to... Ugh! Never mind. I do NOT wanna’ talk about this! Point is, he was a monster and he got what he deserved, so I’m happy to put in the overtime to ventilate jerks like him. And Jack has, like, this mile-long list of these guys, like reams of paper of these evil mages that do all of this nasty stuff.

Oh, and he’s been letting me into his library, too. Man, that place is awesome! Don’t know where he got all of those nasty, dirty old books, but they’re, like, real helpful for a lot of stuff. Like... Oh, that Ellionore woman I’ve been hunting for, like, a year? Never could figure out where she lives. Turns out she lives in this magic shadow dimension pocket thing, and there’s a detailed description of how to get there. I’m already working on recalibrating Larry’s dimensional projectors to take me there, ‘cause... Well, you know Larry. Makes these way cool machines, and then he writes crap software for ‘em so they don’t work. Shouldn’t take me more than a week, though.

But, yeah, I spend a lot of time with Pandala, ether training or just chillin’ out, and I spend a lot of time with Jack hunting scum, so my time’s pretty busy. But in a good way, though. I mean, sure, I like taking 20-hour naps here and there, but I get, like, so bored just sitting around the house waiting for Larry to get bored of his boring science. Now I have stuff to do, so it’s not as boring any more. Larry’s been a bit weird, though. Like, yesterday he comes up and says “Don’t you think you’re spending a lot of time with Pandala?” and I’m like “Why, jealous?” And then he turns all read and starts denying it and tripping over his own tongue. Ha! Guy’s so easy! Eh, but I shouldn’t be teasing him like that, ‘cause he has a point. He’s been trying to make an effort to spend more time with me, and I kind of haven’t had time for him of late. That’s gotta’ suck for the guy, since I know how much it takes out of him to come up and play.

Yeah, I gotta’ make more time for Larry. He’s not the kinda’ guy who sees competition as a challenge and rises to the occasion, you know? He more just gets depressed and closes up, and I DO NOT want to do that to him. Actually, I’ve been kind of cruel to the guy lately, ‘cause he’s doing all those really sweet things, like, he bought me that cute purple squeaky toy we talked about, like... Man, two years ago? He promised he’d get it and kind of forgot, but now he got it for me. I know it’s kinda’ late, but I know what he’s sayin’. I want things to be like they were back then, too. We were so close then.

Yeah, maybe I should cut the games and just be honest with the guy. Tell him how I really feel. ‘Cause he’s never gonna’ come out and say it, hell no! Larry just has no balls when it comes to this sort of thing. I kinda’ figured out how he felt back then, but I... Guess I didn’t know how to respond to that, and we both sort of... Drifted away. I’m getting worried about it, actually. I mean, he’s making an effort and I’m kind of making an effort, but... Yeah, I gotta’ do something about this, before the guy totally shuts down. I mean, Larry’s pretty much as sweet and caring as I’ve ever seen ‘im, and I don’t have time for the guy? Not good. Gotta’ sit ‘im down and talk about this. I like the guy too much to let things go down like this.

Aw, come on! Cheer up, Po! Gah, what’s with me all of a sudden? It’s gonna’ be just fine. I like Larry, Larry likes me. I just need to move things along. ‘Cause hell if he’s ever gonna’ make the first move! That guy is such a nerd! But *giggle* that’s also kind of why I like him. Sure, he’s awkward and weird and stuff, but he’s my awkward weird guy. Wouldn’t trade him for anything.

Not like that Trevor guy who was stalking me way back when. Weirdo got it in his stupid head I was the love of his life or some crap like that and he pestered me all the time. And I mean, sure, he was cute and smart and beefy and all that, but he wasn’t a nice guy. All about him, you know? I kind of stiffed him, he threatened to kill me and then stalked me around town for a while. Idiot. You don’t stalk a cat, guy. Especially not one that can wring your neck like towel with one hand. I wonder what ever happened to Trevor. I wonder if he still has those four nice claw marks across his face *snicker* Jerk!

You know, I think this whole story thing kind of helped me. I didn’t get any, like, epiphanies or anything like that, but I kind of... Ain’t as angry about things any more. Well, no, I’m still angry about THOSE things, but I can kind of see how Cleveland and his idiots were the people I was pissed off at, not all magic uses ever, you know? ‘Sides, I have friends now, and they’re both magic users... Well, OK, not really – Pandala’s more like a magical creature or something. Point is, though, that I’m friends with the guys, and I am NOT gonna’ hurt ‘em. No way, no how. Not a change. Matter of fact, I’d fight to protect ‘em. And... You know what? That’s not a bad idea. Fight to protect... Sure, why not? Yeah, why not, actually? Why not fight to protect people? I mean, that’s basically what I’ve been doing all along – killing those magical bastards so they don’t hurt more people and animals like they hurt me.

So what the hell is the point of that stupid pledge to rid the world of magic, then? I mean, hell, I know magic can be used for good. Hell, I’m friends with people who use magic for good, you know? So, yeah... You know, done. I’m giving up on that pledge. I’m gonna’ make a new one, right now. I pledge to, like, protect people and... Well, OK, people and animals and... Stuff, from, like, nasty magic spells and those demon things and... Actually, I should probably let Larry write this up. He’s better at making things sound all mysterious-like and spooky and stuff than I am. Probably a good idea to write it down, too.

So... Yeah, I guess this settles it, then. I can be friends with Pandala without feeling like a jerk for having pledged to kill ‘er for some stupid reason or another, and I can work with Jack without always getting those weird looks... Well, at least I think he’s giving me weird looks. Stupid metal helmet! Can’t tell if he’s smiling or frowning under that thing.

Oh, and BONUS! ‘Cause I’ve been going back to all that, like, really old nasty stuff, I kind of remembered how cool Larry used to be back then. I mean, I was, like, a complete wreck back then and the dude totally took care of me. I mean seriously – he broke his *** treating my wounds and helping me with the madness and just being there for me when I was flippin’ out or I didn’t wanna’ live no more. Yeah, he was real sweet back then, and I want those times back. Doesn’t matter who’s fault it was, but I’m gonna’ set things right.

Hell, maybe Larry will loosen up a bit then, so I can get him out to, like, a movie or to the park or... Oh, that reminds me, there’s this huge gaming convention in town next week! I totally forgot to tell Larry. He is so gonna’ flip out when he finds out! Maybe... Yeah, totally! This is so the right time to do this! Best idea ever! Yeah, he can’t sulk then. Right! Decided! So I guess that’s it, huh?

Oh, wait! I totally almost forgot! You know that thing with the camera and thing? Yeah, I kinda’ thought about it, and I think I’m gonna’ go on making these logs, but with video. Only not with, like, a webcam this time. Those things creep me out. No, I’m gonna’ use this big fat professional camera thing Larry bought for... Some reason. He never used it, I think I’ll use that. It ain’t nearly as creepy when I can put the lens cap on the thing and stuff it in a box in the closet downstairs where it can’t see me. ‘Cause, you know, doing these has been a lot of fun. I wanna’ do more. It’s fun to just talk, you know? Probably gonna’ post ‘em on the ‘net. Pandala says people will totally flip out about a cat girl’s vlogs. She always has the best ideas!

Man, I’m gonna’ have so much work to do on all of that stuff, but I kinda’ like it like that. So, yeah, I’m gonna’ end this log here. Pandala’s coming over in an hour and I have to get the gym ready. This is probably the last recording I’ll make on this thing... I wonder if I should post these, too. We’ll see. Thing’s falling apart, though. I sort of... Dropped it the other day, and it kind of broke open. I think I did something to the control chip, ‘cause it’s been glitchy ever since. The hard drive’s fine, though, so I can still save the logs, but I’m gonna’ use that digital camera I talked about before. Should give me a chance to show off that cute shirt I got from this little boutique store.

Anyway, I’m almost running late, so... See you soon, I guess!

#end recording

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arcanaville Samuel_Tow is the only poster that makes me want to punch him in the head more often when I'm agreeing with him than when I'm disagreeing with him.