I would appreciate some feedback on my arc:
Arc Name: Along Came A Spider...
Arc ID: 64936
Author: @Greiven
Number of Missions: 5
Level Range: 1-50 (Higher is better)
Description: The world of Dis is a strange place where a race called the Rathfel live in the paradox of peaceful conflict. Now it seems that something is wrong, and the Rathfel need your help! (Author's Note: This is a challenging arc that involves multiple EBs and one AV. Grouping is advised.)
I'll get to checking out both of your arcs (hopefully) in the next day or two. I've been laboring (lovingly) over this arc since MA went live and I seriously need a fresh set of eyes to catch the things I just can't see anymore.
Here are my arcs in the format you requested. Since it deals with Soviets in a non-negative light, it may not be everyone's cup of tea.
Arc Name: Soviet Earth (Part I)
Arc ID: 25630
Author: @Fushicho
Number of Missions: 3
Level Range: 40-54
Description: A 5th Column plot to regain ascendance by using portal technology backfires for everyone. Or does it? WARNING: Most of the custom mobs have willpower as their defense set. If you are a psi user or rely on stealth, you will hate life.
Arc Name: Soviet Earth (Part II)
Arc ID: 1898
Author: @Fushicho
Number of Missions: 2
Level Range: 1-54
Description: Help solidify the alliance between our world and Soviet Earth by helping them eradicate the 5th Column and Council.
Arc Name: Soviet Earth (Part III)
Arc ID: 54547
Author: @Fushicho
Number of Missions: 5
Level Range: 40-54 (except mission 2 being 10-16 due to temporal scaling)
Description: Someone or something is messing with the Soviet Earth time line. Help Ouroboros rectify it. Although it can be played as stand-alone, it assumes you have played the other arcs and makes minor references to them.
Hi, since you seem to give the most useful feedback out of the various people reviewing (MAGI got 3 stars from Talen and Venture, but I couldn't actually find one clear point to improve from their reviews, whereas, even with 5 I found tons of stuff to improve with your one of Gutters) I'd appreciate it if you could have a look at 2409
Arc Name: Mystery of the MAGI vaults
Arc ID: 2409
Author: @Madcat 88
Number of Missions: 5
Description: Tired of taking the blame for the thefts from the MAGI vaults, Azuria has come up with a plan and contacted you to help her.
I'll load up a character with leadership and give Dark Dragon a proper play through this evening.
#2409 - The Mystery of the MAGI vaults. Azuria has contacted you to help her stop the thefts from the MAGI vaults.
#68054 - Out of the gutters. Left for dead, you swore that you were through with being a victim (alt villain beginning story)
Okay, I'm back. Thanks everyone for your patience. Finals and a few arguments with some other reviewers got me down on this thing for a while, and I especially want to thank Madcat for pulling me back into it. Right then, you didn't come here to hear me blather on about myself, so let's get right back into it:
"If I had Force powers, vacuum or not my cape/clothes/hair would always be blowing in the Dramatic Wind." - Tenzhi
Characters
[ QUOTE ]
Arc Name: Mystery of the MAGI vaults
Arc ID: 2409
Author: @Madcat 88
Number of Missions: 5
Description: Tired of taking the blame for the thefts from the MAGI vaults, Azuria has come up with a plan and contacted you to help her.
[/ QUOTE ]
Rating: ****
Likes: Creative story, custom group presentation
Gripes: Level gap, missing dialogue, semi-surprise EBs, storyline disconnects, content roller coaster
Synopsis:
Good arc, but needs some work. It's got some continuity issues (something says one thing, another says something different), some of the mission objectives read awkwardly, and I really would've appreciated a few words that I may need a team for the EBs. The warnings given were not sufficient. The biggest issue, however, is that this arc feels like a content roller coaster.
'What do I mean with that?' you probably ask. I mean that sliding from one mission to another, the player experiences a sudden transition from a very lively, atmospheric, detail-filled mission to a very bland and unexciting one (or vice versa), and this several times in a row. This arc is a perfect example of this.
In mission 1, I feel like I'm in a CoT paper mission with a bit of story stapled on. No dialogue, just fight through, grab glowies. In mission 2, things come alive and I feel like the NPCs have lives other than just standing around now. Mission 3 keeps that pace, and even though the EB somewhat pops out at me (I was expecting just a hard boss from the orange text in the contact dialogue), it was a very well-scripted encounter.
Then I drop into mission 4, which feels like a very generic 'beat boss' paper mission. That's already somewhat boring by itself; coming from 2 missions that had so much life in them only makes it worse. Then I hit mission 5, which is suddenly alive again, and though it's a welcome change, a roller coaster like this just isn't a good type of content pacing to use. It makes the arc feel unfinished - like you didn't care to put the work in to make the whole arc feel alive, but instead just detail-scripted the things you wanted to focus on, and slapped on the rest as an afterthought.
The sudden (and very large) change in level is another big deal. While I can see why you did it, it feels grating and not very thought-through. My suggestion would be to first decide what level range you want this arc to cover, and then work your enemies into that. For example, to keep it 5-15, you could make a custom group consisting of Hordelings in the last mission. Conversely, for 15-20, I think you could use Tsoo in place of CoT and Warriors in place of Hellions. As it is now, it just doesn't feel wholly contiguous from a gameplay standpoint.
That said, it's already got some very good points speaking for it, especially the EB fight in mission 3, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Very flavorful, very immersive. You should probably look into seeing if you can make the EB fight in mission 5 more like that. I kind of felt let down when the final boss had less personality than the midboss. 
Finally, while the theme is represented throughout the arc, I think it could use a little addition to the ending in the fashion of that you shouldn't mess with powers you don't understand. I think that would really drive home a point.
Details:
[u]Mission 1:[u]
Alright then, let's see what we got. Circle of Thorns at low levels, eh? That could hurt, especially with those ghosts. Yep, I was right, those Spectral Daemon Lords are nasty as ever. Good thing I've got my Ghost Slaying axe. Rifle through this, look through that...hey, it's a boss. Wait, why is there a boss here? Well, maybe he'll tell me if I pound it out of him. He's of course a Madness Mage. Perma-holds me right away, yuck. Lucky I brought breakfrees. I eat light-purple, he eats floor...with not even a word of spite. 
Clue/Clue Interaction Text: I believe you misspelled 'fossilized', but am not 100% sure whether an s in place of the z is not also a correct way of spelling it.
What could this mission use? Dialogue. Has the Circle suddenly gone mute or something? At least have the boss spit out a brief heckle, but a patrol could sure liven things up as well. Moreover, why is that boss there anyway? Could use some explanation. Also another boss type, maybe. Madness Mages are just terrible at this level.
In fact, my personal suggestion is to get rid of the Circle completely (or at least remove their ghost critters). If this is intended to be a 1-15 arc (which from the looks of it, it is), magical artifacts could be obtained from the Hellions with much the same story flow, but give players something less annoying to face.
[u]Mission 2:[u]
Ah, so now I'm up against the Hellions. If you take my above suggestion, I also recommend having Azuria say something to the nature of 'now we just need to make everyone think this here is much more powerful than the Hellions you took it from thought'.
10 crates, huh? Well, contact dialogue suggests they're optional, so I'll hope for the best. That second objective's kind of long, though. Feels awkward. I think just 'defeat leader and guards' would've done the trick. I did enjoy the fight with the boss, however. Good atmosphere with those patrols too.
What could this mission use? An (optional) tag by the crates. Also a 'you've been interrupted' insert when prying open the crates. Finally, I'd specify whether you just need to interrogate the boss, or get both him and his guards, at least in the nav. text. Would be nice if Azuria mentioned something that the guy in charge is the most likely to know something, though.
[u]Mission 3:[u]
Oh, a quick-time mission with a bunch of warnings. Doesn't state how much time I'll actually have, though. Well, on in to find Doctor F. Seems simple enough, good atmosphere with the dialogue. I free him, get the...surprise EB. Well, I guess the contact did warn me, but it could've been more explicit - especially could've used a 'you may need a team for this' type addition. Nice use of custom critters in the ambushes, though.
What could this mission use? A more straightforward warming about the Elite Boss, a contact statement of how much time the player will have. I suggest it be left in a 'I believe you will have only...' format to maintain that Azuria thinks you'll only have 'a short time'.
[u]Mission 4:[u]
Intro dialogue: There's a disconnect with Cinder here. In the return dialoge from last mission, Azuira asks if you're ready to take on Cinder, implying you already told her about the guy, but in this paragraph, it seems like you only just informed her he's involved.
Mission: Okay, this thing feels really bland, especially after the last mission was so alive. No dialogue save the boss, nothing to look at along the way; basically just a newspaper mission. Well, at least Cinder's a fun fight, and has some dialogue. The clue is a disconnect, though: it drops after defeating him, yet specifies that one of the other Hellions gave it to you.
Return Dialogue: Paragon's police are just PPD. City didn't make it in for some reason, but you wrote PCPD.
What could this mission use? Atmosphere. A patrol or two with dialogue, maybe a normal boss or two somewhere in the middle (a la 'someone go warn Cinder!') - since Cinder's custom, this shouldn't take much away from him being the 'main' boss - maybe some random stolen magic items to find; you know, along the lines of 'Azuria's been looking for this one'. Just something to liven things up.
Also, I suggest you change the objective to 'defeat Cinder and guards' to mesh more with the dropped clue.
[u]Mission 5:[u]
Ick, blue caves. And a sudden level jump. This does not bode well. The caves do feel very alive, however. Great set-up on mission atmosphere with that popup and the patrols. Also nice touch with the 'downed' Hellions. Like Annie's look too, very chilling dialo...wait, that's all she says? I kind of expected more there. Also, insert customary gripe about not being warned to bring a team for the EB here.
Dialogue: Annie's last line - 'Help' should be capitalized.
What could this mission use? Some more dialogue for Annie. At least a middle line, something to show her suffering (at least that's the impression I got). You could also scatter some of those artifacts she stole into the mission, just for flavor. The level jump is kind of annoying too. Finally: needs a more explicit warning about the EB.
"If I had Force powers, vacuum or not my cape/clothes/hair would always be blowing in the Dramatic Wind." - Tenzhi
Characters
Got a few for you.
Arc Name: Saints and Sinners Part One: The Order of Steel
Arc ID: 118104
Morality: Heroic
Faction: Custom, Freakshow
Missions: 5
Level Range: 20+ ideally.
Difficulty: Medium-hard. Should be soloable, recommend either mez protection (at least KB) or controls.
Synopsis: A police raid spirals out of control as a new threat emerges from the shadows of Paragon. ((One defeat all on a small map, Two EBs, allies provided for last mission only but not required for mission completion if you with to skip.))
Arc Name: Saints and Sinners Part Two: Blood is Thicker than Wire
Arc ID: 123721
Morality: Heroic
Faction: Custom, Crey
Missions: 5
Level Range: 30+
Difficulty Level: Same as above.
Synopsis: The search for a missing woman exposes a web of enslavement and coercion. ((Two EBs, ally provided on last mission only, same conditions as above.))
While running the first before the second isn't critical, the second makes references to 'your' actions in the first and assumes you know some of the basics about the Order.
I'm about to head off for work, so your arcs will have to wait until tonight after I'm off. *makes note to see if Welcome to AE changed since Test server*
Pinnacle
Heroes
When in danger, or in doubt; Run in circles, scream and shout.
Negative. I can't even correct the typos in it right now, so feedback for my other arcs is at present exponentially more useful to me. 
At this point, I'm actually scared of the changes coming with I15 - the revised difficulty settings (if they carry through to locked arcs, which I hope they don't), will give many of my Virus enemies back abilities I specifically removed because they were too annoying.
"If I had Force powers, vacuum or not my cape/clothes/hair would always be blowing in the Dramatic Wind." - Tenzhi
Characters
Well, look on the bright side of I15. There's a lot of talk and redname confirmation that they're looking to impliment author made power selections for custom critters.
You may still need to 're-tweek' the Virii, but it might not be as bad as the inital locked power lists' made it out to be.
Pinnacle
Heroes
When in danger, or in doubt; Run in circles, scream and shout.
Devious, thanks for the in-depth analysis - nice to have a review I can actually use to improve things.
Will get on with considering what changes to make shortly and post a detailed response later.
This was my first arc - in between it and gutters I did a TF style thing for my SG and a currently non-published one-shot to properly play with custom groups.
re: Caves - anyone put off by those - they're not randomised, you will find no layer cake.
#2409 - The Mystery of the MAGI vaults. Azuria has contacted you to help her stop the thefts from the MAGI vaults.
#68054 - Out of the gutters. Left for dead, you swore that you were through with being a victim (alt villain beginning story)
Arc name: Echoes of Grackus
Arc #66997
Author: @The incredible pulk
Number of missions: 3 Medium maps
Level range: 1-54 heroic
Description: Vanguard makes contact with an alien being who calls himself a Lorcan Dawnstar who is what we would call a peacebringer. This Lorcan named Zjhon warns of a Nictus that has taken an entire galaxy that could have his eyes on Earth. This arc is part 1, and the story revolves around getting Zjhon out of trouble a lot (he is rather silly).
More info: This arc is my attempt to bring some dynamics in boss fights to this game. So if you fail on the bosses try coming up with a strat to take them down XD (I know this is hard for most CoX players to do!)
Arc Name: The Lost Choir: Chapter One: The Old Testament.
Arc ID: 123675
Factions: Tuatha, Rikti, Rularuu, Custom group.
Creator Global/Forum Name: @MrSquid
Difficulty Level: Moderate. Contains 2 AV's, but a fair amount of help for them too
Synopsis: This is essentially a combination of Christian Mythos and the classic "cosmic horror" story. The first part is probably the most slow paced, with a lot of unanswered questions.
Level Range: Intended for 45+, but you could get away with 30 plus
Arc Name: The Lost Choir: Part Two: The New Testament.
Arc ID: 136959
Factions: Ritki, Custom Group.
Creator Global/Forum Name: @MrSquid
Difficulty Level: Moderate-easy. Only one AV this time around, and once again, I give you help with him.
Synopsis: Part two is much faster paced then part one, and most of the questions brought up in part one are answered.
Level Range: Intended for 45+, but you could get away with 30 plus
Arc Name: The Lost Choir: Chapter Three: Apocrypha.
Arc ID: 141011
Factions: A bunch, mostly customs.
Creator Global/Forum Name: @MrSquid
Difficulty Level: Hard. One AV, but its a doozy. I still give you plenty of help though.
Synopsis: Part 3 is only one mission long, mainly being the climactic final boss fight.
Level Range: Intended for 45+, but you could get away with 30 plus
Like I have said for every quid-pro-quo review thread I have posted this in, I will play all three of your arcs in exchange for a review of this eleven mission behemoth.
well i do not know if i posted in here before, if i have please forgive me. my memory is notoriously bad. otherwise...
Do YOU have nightmares about the Vahzilok? Can't sleep because you failed to defeat that Boss over and over again? Do you let your teammates down because you run away from Malta sappers? Do clowns make you have an anxiety attack? Try HERO Therapy (TM)! Start Today! 4 EASY sessions! (1EB,1AV with ally help)
Please give this arc a try... you probably need to. Only 5(!) easy payments! You will not regret it!
*Small print* Failure to complete this arc may result in impotence, baldness, general ridicule from children, a lessening of EXP earning potential, and an overall decline of self respect. For further details contact ridiculous girl. Money will not be refunded under any condition.
Arc: Hero Therapy! (TM)
Arc ID: 119228
Author: Ridiculous Girl
Number of Missions: 4
global: ridiculous girl
Hero Therapy! (TM) - 119228
welcome to donut world - 1233
Adding your arcs to my "To play" list which I intend to put a dent in tonight after work, but I put you close to the top so I should get you feedback by tomorrow. Here's my arc info.
Arc Name: A Madness of Blades
Arc ID: 98770
Author: @GravenImageRD / Tyrant_Protocol
Number of Missions: 3
Level Range: 1-54
Description: A powerful being from another world arrives in Paragon City with the intent of recruiting an army, breaking the mandates of the Celestial Court. Stop him before it's too late!
Looking forward to your feedback!
[ QUOTE ]
Arc Name: Seldom Told Tales - Statesman and the Atomic Soldier
Arc ID: 8993
Author: @Fyst
Number of Missions: 4
Description
Experience first-hand one of Statesman's greatest battles you've never heard of.
[/ QUOTE ]
Rating: **
Likes: Time travel sans time travel, custom critters, historical tie-ins, well thought-out plot
Gripes: Surprise timed mission, dealbreaker map, lack of clues, missing text, missing bios, small-to-medium plot holes, broken German, awkward language
Synopsis:
I really enjoyed this arc, but from a technical viewpoint, itÂ’s far from finished. The map in mission 2 just ruins the immersion, and the general lack of clues inserts temporary plot holes in a number of spots. Some custom critters are missing their bios, and the German dialogue is terrible. Please don't take this the wrong way, but if you're going to use another language in your arc, you need to make sure you use it right - or at least right enough to sound that way.
The main faults with this arc, however, are the awkward placement (or absence) of text in a number of spots, be it objective completion, clue, etc. It still got the point across, but in such a roundabout way that it truly detracted from the flow of game and story. Fortunetely, the story itself was excellent enough to not be overrun by these things, but they do give it an unfinished and 'not very cared for' feel, which judging from the great care that the author put into other aspects of the arc (custom critters, for instance) isn't the way this thing's supposed to feel at all.
Still a fun story, good gameplay, and I do recommend it, but still requires much work to be done, especially in the text department.
Details:
[u]Mission 1:[u]
Okay then, off to take on some virtual time travel. I have to say, that appeals to me a whole lot more than the myriad of 'actual time travel' arcs around. Mission looks fairly straightforward, though I seem to remember being told I was going to get shouted at in German. Oh well. 
Rescue some hostages, make myself a private little army...hm, it seems the Kommandant (should be spelled with a K, yes) doesn't have any dialogue. In fact, now that I look back, neither did the captors of the leader of the 37th. Unfortunately, one ran off and git himself killed, so I failed the mission. Whoops.
What could this mission use? Dialogue for the Kommandant and the captors I mentioned. Maybe some different dialogue for the different spawns of squad leader captors. Oh, and it couldn't hurt to make the escorts into allies or just optional altogether - doesn't really make much sense that a whole unit is captured because a single squad leader bought it.
[u]Mission 2:[u]
Intro dialogue: Should read 'annihilation'. Also, I believe there should be a comma after 'Now', but not 100% sure. Finally, 'One other piece of information the agent did give me:' and 'as I was soon to find out' read a little awkward. You might want to go for 'The agent did give me one other piece of information:' and 'as I would soon discover'.
Mission: Aeon City...in WW2. Ouch. Imagination and suspension of disbelief in all honor, but this map really breaks immersion. It just doesn't feel right at all. Voltkriger was fun to fight...but his German was horrible. Even in the best of times, most of what he yelled made no sense at all:
"Offene Augen! Intel berichtet, dass ein Angriff nahe bevorstehend sein könnte" should be "Augen offen! Feldberichte sagen aus ein Angriff könnte bevorstehen."
"Ubergabe," should be "Gib auf," or "Aufgegeben,"
"Sie sind Untergeordneter!" should be "Du bist ein Minderwertiger!" or "Du bist minderwertig!" 'Sie' is the formal form of 'you' - someone cursing at you likely would never do so formally.
"5. Säule" should be "5. Kolonne".
"Sie werden eine ziemlich ärgerliche kleine Mücke." should be "Du bist aber eine ärgerliche Mücke."
"Verteidigen Sie Herr Voltkrieger" should be "Verteitigt Voltkrieger!" - formality likely would not apply in a combat situation.
"Ich brauche Verstärkungen! Eilen Sie!" should be "Ich brauche Verstärkung! Beeilung!"
Clues: 'Atomiks' is not a word.
Return dialogue: List should not be capitalized. I think atomic bomb shouldn't be either, but not entirely sure.
What could this mission use? Most of all, a different map. You had a really good WW2 feel in mission 1, but this map just ruined it. Also editing for good German, and maybe some dialogue for the patrol and destructible object guards.
[u]Mission 3:[u]
Intro dialogue: This reads oddly, as it's written in a passive voice that tends to repeat itself. Also, major snafu here springing a surprise timed mission on the player.
Mission: the 'wrong' file cabinets seem to be missing the "you didn't find anything useful" standard text. Also, Frau Geistigerfall being able to hear the player character's thoughts could be another major slip-up. A lot of people will likely have issues with that. You also might want to take another look at Togoka's powersets - his Shuriken hit me for more than 1100 damage. I'm fairly sure this is a bug the powerset-difficulty-rewrite patch introduced.
Oh, belay my earlier remark on the file cabinets - either none of them are right, or the entire text and clue are missing. Either way, definitely something that needs fixing, as it's a major disconnect. Kapitän Schallboom was a fun fight, though again his German needs fixing:
"Ich werde nicht vereitelt!" is technically okay, but would be better as "Niemand wird mich vereiteln!"
"Wächter! Einbrecher!" should be...well, actually I don't know. What are you trying to have him say? Right now, it reads as "Guards (the prison kind)! Burglars!"
"entsenden." should be "umbringen."
"nicht ein" should be "kein".
Bios: Kapitän Schallboom is missing an ä in his bio. Also, Himmler has 2 ms in his last name.
What could this mission use? A warning that it's a timed mission before clicking accept - very important. Also a clue somewhere that bridges the gap between the files in the mission and the return dialogue, and again editing for good German.
[u]Mission 4:[u]
Intro dialogue: There should be a comma before 'where'. Also, the files should be referred to as 'they'. Also, you might want to streamline this text a bit. Explosives, infiltration, rescue, it doesn't seem to flow together too well as presently described.
Mission: Okay, I'm certainly liking the captives. Unfortunately, they have no bio. Also, their defeat text really should be dialogue, not appear in the system bar, and it'd be nice to get a clue why they're mind-controlled. Last I checked, introducing superpowers into American soldiers doesn't make them switch sides. Same deal for the end boss. Would've been nice to have had a clue dropped as to what he was talking about. The bombs could use some completed text as well.
What could this mission use? Clues and text, bios and dialogue. This mission felt very unfinished, and really needs another go-over.
"If I had Force powers, vacuum or not my cape/clothes/hair would always be blowing in the Dramatic Wind." - Tenzhi
Characters
[ QUOTE ]
Arc Name: Saints and Sinners Part One: The Order of Steel
Arc ID: 118104
Morality: Heroic
Faction: Custom, Freakshow
Missions: 5
Level Range: 20+ ideally.
Difficulty: Medium-hard. Should be soloable, recommend either mez protection (at least KB) or controls.
Synopsis: A police raid spirals out of control as a new threat emerges from the shadows of Paragon. ((One defeat all on a small map, Two EBs, allies provided for last mission only but not required for mission completion if you with to skip.))
[/ QUOTE ]
Rating: ****
Likes: Mystery plot, custom critters
Gripes: Time sink mission(s), map discrepancies, 'pseudo-missing' bio, intro plot
Synopsis:
To be honest, I'm not really sure how I feel about this thing. I realize it's part 1 of 2, but as things stand, this seems to be nothing more than a 'Hello, I am the Saint, the new villain in town'. Fairly underwhelming. Also, missions 2 and 3 feel a lot like something added in for no other reason than to make this part 5 missions long. Mission 3 is an especially severe case of this, as the contact could've covered it in about 3 lines of text.
Mission 2 does a bit better, but aside from the clue about the Saint still doesn't add much more than a trap that's rather obvious from the get-go, and wouldn't be missed if some glitch axed it from the arc. The map in mission 4 doesn't mesh well (it's also quite empty), and there's a small issue with the number 5 one as well: the high-tech computer can spawn in the ratty old warehouse section, creating a very jarring picture.
The custom group played well though (aside from the web grenade spam), and while there are issues with the text (such as //), it's not something grievously detracting. Mechanically, this is decently solid, but the plot is left wanting. Guess I'll see if this changes in part 2, but at this point, it really doesn't feel that 1 should've ended where it did. Personally, I feel it would've worked much better to work in a midpoint resolution - something that's preventing the Saint from immediately executing his plan, but at the same time doesn't stop him, requiring the player to go after part 2...or else.
Details:
Your contact seems to be named 'Contact Hologram'. Not sure if that's a bug or oversight. Also, since I found this too much to detail every occurrence, I'm just going to note it here: you've got a lot of run-on sentences and comma errors. While not egregious, it makes for some awkward-sounding text.
[u]Mission 1:[u]
Mission: Okay, this is starting off well. Clearly defined objectives (though I'm not sure they need to be in orange 'warning' text - could get players to get used to it and then not see real warnings like AVs/EBs), and a nice entry rationale as well. Let's see what's what. Ah, already we have the customs. Seem fairly well-done. Not sure I like the implications that they can take on nearly anything, though. Makes them seem a little like just another of the 'my villain group is so much better than the ones already in the game' sort. Also, Lancers just love spamming web grenade, which is fairly annoying. The Templar was nicely challenging, though.
Clue: High-capacity and -performance, should not be separated by spaces, but by hyphens.
Return dialogue: /most/ really reads weird, should be italicized. Also, who are the 'officers of those officers'? I think you meant it just to read families.
What could this mission use? Less web grenades.
[u]Mission 2:[u]
Intro dialogue: 'shouldn't be too hard', too needs another o.
Mission: Okay, this seems fairly straightforward. Not sure I like the ramp-up mission setting, but that's more of a pet peeve of mine than anything actually wrong. In the system text, "video clip" should not be capitalized. I'm also a little edgy about the boss fight, since I had to go find the minion that had spawned in an awkward place to end the mission - after having already defeated the boss and ambush.
What could this mission use? More detail for the boss fight. Either add 'and guards' to the nav text, or change the encounter to just the boss being needed for completion.
[u]Mission 3:[u]
Mission: This was kind of predictable, but okay, I'll bite. Sadly, I find myself rather disappointed. It's a defeat all, which in itself is actually quite well-placed here, but the empty-ness of the map (lack of dialogue, clues, bosses, heck anything apart from random spawns standing around punching their fists) makes it really boring to play. Combined with the resolution at the end, this makes it feel like a filler mission that might just as well have no point whatsoever.
What could this mission use? Frankly? Deletion. It's a time sink, adds nothing to the story, and is just as easily covered by the contact just telling the player there was an attack on the station, that the Templar escaped, and that the network has been compromised.
Alternatively, it could be salvaged using more objectives (required or not is pretty open). Maybe some clues the order left behind, maybe a boss who's there to squash you after the first trap failed. Just about anything will give this mission more life - however, keep in mind that if you intend to have it add something to the story, it needs to be some major point. For instance, you could use what's in the contact's return dialogue and turn it into a few glowies, or have the guy who performed the network hack still there.
[u]Mission 4:[u]
Intro dialogue: Needs a comma after 'there', also an 'is' after 'precinct'. 'Dispatchers' needs an h, there should be a comma before 'right' (I think - not 100% sure), and a colon would work better than a comma for the next sentence, which is a run-on.
Mission: Hm, the map choice for this feels a little off. If the contact called the local precinct, why has Longbow taken over the roadblock? Furthermore, what's with all the military trucks and just general destruction? I realize that these are hard-coded into the map, but if you're going to use this one, you really should explain these things using the contact. It also feels fairly bland and boring in terms of mechanics (big outdoor map - 1 boss to fight), and could really use more stuff - for instance, the road block mentioned represented by battles or patrols. The Berserker wasn't as tough as the Templar, despite being supposedly much stronger.
Bio: Berserker: 'Armor' should be singular, there should be a comma before 'but'. Also, 'drawback' and 'near-mindless' should be connected as shown. Also, the last sentence is really long. Not sure if it's technically a run-on, but I think it could stand getting split.
Return dialogue: Ouch. This thing's got some issues. My recommendation for grammar revision:
"Good job getting him back. Sadly, with his cybernetics fried like the rest of the Order we have, we can't get much out of him - or rather, we couldn't normally. The telepath came in while you were out, and she's already working on piecing his mind back together. Hopefully, she'll be able to get something out of him."
I'm reasonably sure the above is grammatically correct.
What could this mission use? Stuff. More of it, plain and simple. Doesn't have to come in the form of required objectives, but for a map this big, a single boss is not enough. Maybe you could rescue some Longbow or PPD, or add some battles and patrols. One way or another though, it needs more meat on its bones - and of course, integrate those bones (the map) into the story with more explanation for the things on it.
[u]Mission 5:[u]
Intro dialogue: Not sure what to make of the first sentence. Is there a 'Do you know' supposed to be there? I can't tell. Either way, there should be a period behind progress, and 'off-site' should be joined as shown. Also, I'd replace 'place' with 'location'. There needs to be a comma after 'another', and Warden should be capitalized. The contact's voice here also reads strangely. I suggest going over it again by reading it out loud to yourself.
Mission: Not sure about the map choice, but it's definitely smoother than the last. Caused a high-tech computer to spawn on top of a rack of dusty old crates though, so...yeah, could probably use some polish. Oh, I see now: Longbow Warehouse set. In that case, just make sure the computer spawns in the back, not upstairs, where it looks really out of place. Nice job on the Paladin.
Bio: Mrs. Weston: Should have a comma before 'even though', 'need' needs no 'ed', 'wasn't' should be 'isn't', and cooperating needs no hyphen. Also, not sure what 'force their intentions' is doing there; it reads like there was supposed to be more, but it got cut off.
Clue: From the Saint: Should have a period after victories.
Return dialogue: I imagine 'Knights' should be 'Order', and is probably something left over from the alpha process. Also, there should be in 'it' before 'seems', and commas after 'technology' and 'fight'.
What could this mission use? Computer in the back. Rourke could use a bio too, poor generic man. 
"If I had Force powers, vacuum or not my cape/clothes/hair would always be blowing in the Dramatic Wind." - Tenzhi
Characters
Arc Name: Red Typhoon
Arc ID: 4912
Faction: Heroic
Creator Global/Forum Name: @mm3squints
Difficulty Level: 40-53
Number of Mission: 5
Estimated Time to Play: 30 min-2 hour
Synopsis: Tension rises after N. Korea launches a missile. Nuclear war may happen can it be stopped?
Link to More Details or Feedback: Can be soloed, but best if team played
I tried finding all the spelling/grammar error, even when running through it over and over again. If you catch any, I will appreciate it if you bring it up. Thanks
MA Arc:
Red Typhoon 4912
Akhdar Blood Arc: 247198
Hi Devious.
I reviewed one of your arcs in my thread, so if that counts for QPQ, here is one of mine:
Arc Name: The Revenge of Dr. Marcovici
Arc ID: 161797
Faction: Heroic
Difficulty Level: Average. One Elite Boss, but he is set to standard difficulty.
Synopsis: This is a story driven arc with a unique twist to it.
Halfway through the arc you have to make a decision on what your next action will be. Depending on your decision the arc plays out very differently for each of the 2 choices you have.
If you'd rather have me play another to qualify, let me know.
No worries, you're fine. You helped me work out problems with my arc (and make a lot of changes to it ), it's only fair I try the same in return. Might be a while before I get to yours, though. I've presently got 2 multi-part arcs in my queue (as you can probably see), but after I get done with Arashi's and Squid's, I'll move on to yours.
"If I had Force powers, vacuum or not my cape/clothes/hair would always be blowing in the Dramatic Wind." - Tenzhi
Characters
[ QUOTE ]
Rating: ****
Likes: Mystery plot, custom critters
Gripes: Time sink mission(s), map discrepancies, 'pseudo-missing' bio, intro plot
Synopsis:
To be honest, I'm not really sure how I feel about this thing. I realize it's part 1 of 2, but as things stand, this seems to be nothing more than a 'Hello, I am the Saint, the new villain in town'. Fairly underwhelming. Also, missions 2 and 3 feel a lot like something added in for no other reason than to make this part 5 missions long. Mission 3 is an especially severe case of this, as the contact could've covered it in about 3 lines of text.
Mission 2 does a bit better, but aside from the clue about the Saint still doesn't add much more than a trap that's rather obvious from the get-go, and wouldn't be missed if some glitch axed it from the arc. The map in mission 4 doesn't mesh well (it's also quite empty), and there's a small issue with the number 5 one as well: the high-tech computer can spawn in the ratty old warehouse section, creating a very jarring picture.
The custom group played well though (aside from the web grenade spam), and while there are issues with the text (such as //), it's not something grievously detracting. Mechanically, this is decently solid, but the plot is left wanting. Guess I'll see if this changes in part 2, but at this point, it really doesn't feel that 1 should've ended where it did. Personally, I feel it would've worked much better to work in a midpoint resolution - something that's preventing the Saint from immediately executing his plan, but at the same time doesn't stop him, requiring the player to go after part 2...or else.
Details:
Your contact seems to be named 'Contact Hologram'. Not sure if that's a bug or oversight. Also, since I found this too much to detail every occurrence, I'm just going to note it here: you've got a lot of run-on sentences and comma errors. While not egregious, it makes for some awkward-sounding text.
[/ QUOTE ]
Wha...? Again!? >.< It's supposed to be named Meg Mason like the contact model. *grumbles about stealth devs knocking bottles over*
[ QUOTE ]
[u]Mission 1:[u]
Mission: Okay, this is starting off well. Clearly defined objectives (though I'm not sure they need to be in orange 'warning' text - could get players to get used to it and then not see real warnings like AVs/EBs), and a nice entry rationale as well. Let's see what's what. Ah, already we have the customs. Seem fairly well-done. Not sure I like the implications that they can take on nearly anything, though. Makes them seem a little like just another of the 'my villain group is so much better than the ones already in the game' sort. Also, Lancers just love spamming web grenade, which is fairly annoying. The Templar was nicely challenging, though.
Clue: High-capacity and -performance, should not be separated by spaces, but by hyphens.
Return dialogue: /most/ really reads weird, should be italicized. Also, who are the 'officers of those officers'? I think you meant it just to read families.
What could this mission use? Less web grenades.
[/ QUOTE ]
Yeah, the order's the predominate opponents for the bulk of the whole arcs, arc three lessens them somewhat until the last mission. As for the Web 'nades... Nothing else really felt like a fit for them without pushing them into unbalanced/jarring regions. :/
As for the possible 'Mines better then theirs'... I've set up order vs X battles in other missions and the order tends to get spanked.
Muo, I keep missing that officer/family switch. >.<
[ QUOTE ]
[u]Mission 2:[u]
Intro dialogue: 'shouldn't be too hard', too needs another o.
Mission: Okay, this seems fairly straightforward. Not sure I like the ramp-up mission setting, but that's more of a pet peeve of mine than anything actually wrong. In the system text, "video clip" should not be capitalized. I'm also a little edgy about the boss fight, since I had to go find the minion that had spawned in an awkward place to end the mission - after having already defeated the boss and ambush.
What could this mission use? More detail for the boss fight. Either add 'and guards' to the nav text, or change the encounter to just the boss being needed for completion.
[/ QUOTE ]
Thought I did have it set for boss only. :/ Meh, fix that up easy enough. From a strict player point of view, yeah, the trap is pretty obvious from the get-go. (If only because you know everything in the arc relates to the overall story and there can't be anything that really isn't.) From the character's point, I tried to make it sound like it was a call they asked you to take since you were right there from mission 1, but that got 'A robbery? I'm a big time hero, why should I deal with it?' complaints. -_-
[ QUOTE ]
[u]Mission 3:[u]
Mission: This was kind of predictable, but okay, I'll bite. Sadly, I find myself rather disappointed. It's a defeat all, which in itself is actually quite well-placed here, but the empty-ness of the map (lack of dialogue, clues, bosses, heck anything apart from random spawns standing around punching their fists) makes it really boring to play. Combined with the resolution at the end, this makes it feel like a filler mission that might just as well have no point whatsoever.
What could this mission use? Frankly? Deletion. It's a time sink, adds nothing to the story, and is just as easily covered by the contact just telling the player there was an attack on the station, that the Templar escaped, and that the network has been compromised.
Alternatively, it could be salvaged using more objectives (required or not is pretty open). Maybe some clues the order left behind, maybe a boss who's there to squash you after the first trap failed. Just about anything will give this mission more life - however, keep in mind that if you intend to have it add something to the story, it needs to be some major point. For instance, you could use what's in the contact's return dialogue and turn it into a few glowies, or have the guy who performed the network hack still there.
[u]Mission 4:[u]
Intro dialogue: Needs a comma after 'there', also an 'is' after 'precinct'. 'Dispatchers' needs an h, there should be a comma before 'right' (I think - not 100% sure), and a colon would work better than a comma for the next sentence, which is a run-on.
Mission: Hm, the map choice for this feels a little off. If the contact called the local precinct, why has Longbow taken over the roadblock? Furthermore, what's with all the military trucks and just general destruction? I realize that these are hard-coded into the map, but if you're going to use this one, you really should explain these things using the contact. It also feels fairly bland and boring in terms of mechanics (big outdoor map - 1 boss to fight), and could really use more stuff - for instance, the road block mentioned represented by battles or patrols. The Berserker wasn't as tough as the Templar, despite being supposedly much stronger.
Bio: Berserker: 'Armor' should be singular, there should be a comma before 'but'. Also, 'drawback' and 'near-mindless' should be connected as shown. Also, the last sentence is really long. Not sure if it's technically a run-on, but I think it could stand getting split.
Return dialogue: Ouch. This thing's got some issues. My recommendation for grammar revision:
"Good job getting him back. Sadly, with his cybernetics fried like the rest of the Order we have, we can't get much out of him - or rather, we couldn't normally. The telepath came in while you were out, and she's already working on piecing his mind back together. Hopefully, she'll be able to get something out of him."
I'm reasonably sure the above is grammatically correct.
What could this mission use? Stuff. More of it, plain and simple. Doesn't have to come in the form of required objectives, but for a map this big, a single boss is not enough. Maybe you could rescue some Longbow or PPD, or add some battles and patrols. One way or another though, it needs more meat on its bones - and of course, integrate those bones (the map) into the story with more explanation for the things on it.
[/ QUOTE ]
In all honesty, I was really annoyed with these two missions. The police station map is too small for much of anything to get coded in, let alone getting a boss and clue placed in the cell level like I first wanted. And, of course, the highway map is too large for just one central objective. If the MA gave us/me the Skyway Mayhem Mission map I'd be dancing for joy. As for the hacker, finding out that is/was part of the second arc. You also got the watered down Berserker. Before the mob shuffle patch, he was an Extreme Super Strength/Extreme Energy Aura Elite Boss. After the patch I decided KO-blow + Rage + Fury + End Drain = Bad things(tm). So he got a Hard/Hard Boss downgrade.
[ QUOTE ]
[u]Mission 5:[u]
Intro dialogue: Not sure what to make of the first sentence. Is there a 'Do you know' supposed to be there? I can't tell. Either way, there should be a period behind progress, and 'off-site' should be joined as shown. Also, I'd replace 'place' with 'location'. There needs to be a comma after 'another', and Warden should be capitalized. The contact's voice here also reads strangely. I suggest going over it again by reading it out loud to yourself.
Mission: Not sure about the map choice, but it's definitely smoother than the last. Caused a high-tech computer to spawn on top of a rack of dusty old crates though, so...yeah, could probably use some polish. Oh, I see now: Longbow Warehouse set. In that case, just make sure the computer spawns in the back, not upstairs, where it looks really out of place. Nice job on the Paladin.
Bio: Mrs. Weston: Should have a comma before 'even though', 'need' needs no 'ed', 'wasn't' should be 'isn't', and cooperating needs no hyphen. Also, not sure what 'force their intentions' is doing there; it reads like there was supposed to be more, but it got cut off.
Clue: From the Saint: Should have a period after victories.
Return dialogue: I imagine 'Knights' should be 'Order', and is probably something left over from the alpha process. Also, there should be in 'it' before 'seems', and commas after 'technology' and 'fight'.
What could this mission use? Computer in the back. Rourke could use a bio too, poor generic man.
[/ QUOTE ]
Weston's bio got borked again? *sigh* Really annoying. Yeah, the group was originally the Knight of Steel, but then I realized that having a mere LT-class mob named Knight kinda looked out there. Guess I missed a spot that had the old name.
You must've just gotten 'lucky' with the computer, every time I ran it, it was on the second floor right around the elevator. Never could get it in the back with the Longbow equipment though. :/
I'll take a few more look-sees over the dialogs again, thanks for the error point outs.
Also, since the last time I posted here...
Arc Name: Saints and Sinners Part Three: The Fallen Saint
Arc ID: 147682
Morality: Heroic
Faction: Custom, Crey, Arachnos, Malta
Missions: 4
Difficulty Level: Hard. Level 40+ recommended. Either bring team or on difficulty 1.
Synopsis: The final battle with the Order of Steel and the Mysterious Saint draws near. Will you be able to save humanity from enslavement?
Pinnacle
Heroes
When in danger, or in doubt; Run in circles, scream and shout.
Arc ID 64859
Name: The Calling of the Cult. (First Chapter)
Creator: @Misho
Morality: Neutral
5 Missions long, Map 1-2-4 are small, 3-5 are medium-long.
Length according to MA descriptor: Very Long.
Level Range: Some mishes will auto sk you to minimum levels depending on map. I could say the lvl range I would suggest is when you are able to solo an EB and up.
Aprox. Length from previous players' runs: Not so long.
Custom Group.
EB/AV included.
Party recommended altho' not needed.
Try to read all the clues, texts, descriptions and such. Sometimes it might even hint you of something.
[ QUOTE ]
Arc Name: Saints and Sinners Part Two: Blood is Thicker than Wire
Arc ID: 123721
Morality: Heroic
Faction: Custom, Crey
Missions: 5
Level Range: 30+
Difficulty Level: Same as above.
Synopsis: The search for a missing woman exposes a web of enslavement and coercion. ((Two EBs, ally provided on last mission only, same conditions as above.))
[/ QUOTE ]
Rating: ****
Likes: Custom critters
Gripes: Time sink mission, plot hole, contact is a Watson, disconnect with preceding arc, filler plot
Synopsis:
Okay, I'm just going to come out and say it: I didn't like this arc. At all. As in not one bit. Since I haven't played part 3, I can't state the following for certain, but from where I currently stand, this arc's plot is a filler story - an anecdote of 'hey look, some stuff happened' between parts 1 and 3. The only true plot element is that the story reveals the Saint is mind-controlling some (not all, and proportions aren't stated) members of the Order through cybernetic implants. Personally, I feel that doesn't warrant an entire arc, and since part 1 already has a filler mission that could've been dropped, said 'reveal' mission could've been added on there.
Now, don't get me wrong here. It's a very well done filler plot, free of truly egregious defects (apart from the time sink mission and a few small plot holes), and the plight of the contact for the assistance of your shining and heroic person in saving her innocent sibling from the vile clutches of the dreadful Saint's callous machinations certainly does something for it. Hence I will bold this here: YMMV. For me, it just didn't do enough.
My personal opinion of this could change if the contact showed a little more emotion (right now, she seems to try, but keeps floundering at it), and if she wasn't such a Watson - i.e. she seems to be too dense to figure out the obvious until well after the player does, even if she doesn't need to be told, "Elementary, dear Watson."
The arc's text elements need another go-over as well, though thankfully they are but many small things, not large grammar holes. All in all, a very well done arc, just not something that caters to my tastes in storytelling. Again however, YMMV.
Details:
[u]Mission 1:[u]
Intro dialogue: The contact's name/job introduction is a run-on, should be separated by a period. 'Northeast' and 'southeast' should be joined as shown. Also, the comma after the but should be before it.
Mission: I'm definitely liking this outside lead-in. Have been planning to do something like this myself, so rather glad others are using it as well. Enter the mission, this looks fairly straightforward, but the '2 find clues' nav text is a little off there. Also not really sure why this is set in an office.
Clue: A Day Planner: In, 'going to go to a night club', 'go to' should be removed.
Clue: A Worn Diary: 'Every day' should be two words, there should be a comma after the second 'day', and 'there's' should be removed.
Clue: Linda's Story: Second sentence is a run-on, should be separated by a period. Also should have a comma after 'phone'.
Return dialogue: The sentence describing Hope's diary should be separated with at least a semicolon.
What could this mission use? Better nav. text; for instance in the format of '2 clues to find'. An explanation of why I'm meeting the roommate in this huge office would be nice too. Oh, and some more enemy dialogue, maybe in the form of a patrol securing the area.
[u]Mission 2:[u]
Intro dialogue: 'Club Mosaic' should have quotes or something around it to indicate its questionable status presented by the 'a' before it. Also, there should be a comma after 'to do'. The sentence mentioning the address is a run-on, as is the one mentioning the manager.
Mission: Again, fairly straightforward. IMO, too straightforward. This contact isn't the sharpest gal around, huh? Well, I go save the club manager, get some information...but why do I suddenly have to fight another Templar? That's a pretty big disconnect there. Unless I missed something, the boss was never mentioned before he appeared.
Clue: Club Manager's Story (needs that apostrophe in the title): Paragraphs should be separated by a blank line. Also, the first sentence should end with a colon.
What could this mission use? An explanation for the boss fight. I suggest having the manager saying something along the lines that the Order will now come for her, or the guys guarding her calling for Templar backup. Anything, really. And again, more dialogue would be nice.
[u]Mission 3:[u]
Intro dialogue: Club manager should not be capitalized.
Mission: Ah, the good old insane asylum. Personally, I feel it's a little overused, but I suppose it fits decently enough here - though I would've imagined the Order having access to better funding. Hm, the level range seems a bit weird in this one. Looks like a ramp-up gone awry, so you might want to just set the spawns back to normal. Standard rescue, well enough...ah, I see the clue is a rescue as well, nice. Boss is fun, but seems oddly coherent for a Berserker, especially after the one in part 1 was such a garglehead. Kind of inconsistent, wouldn't you say?
Bio: Dr. Hanson: The last sentence is a run-on.
NPC Dialogue: Dr. Hanson: There should be a comma after 'wait'.
Clue: Enforced Loyalty: 'Cybernetics' needs an s (either that, or 'implants' does, either works), and 'Orders heads' should probably by 'heads of the Order's members'.
Return dialogue: 'Mind-controlling' should be joined as shown, and 'definitely' needs an e instead of an a.
What could this mission use? Aside from the mentioned text corrections, can't really think of anything. Maybe replace the Berseker with a Templar or give the present boss some more incoherent dialogue to mesh with the concept you established in part 1.
[u]Mission 4:[u]
Intro dialogue: Second sentence is a run-on, should be joined with something other than a comma after 'cyberpaths'. there should also be a period after 'right'. Oh, and when did 'the device' become 'the inhibitor'?
Entry popup: Needs a comma before 'but', a hyphen (or some other joint) before 'for now', and a comma before 'anyways'.
Mission: Standard Crey lab, okay. Get the inhibitor - on a long lab map. Very disappointing, reminds me of mission 3 in part 1, and feels like filler with little to no addition to the story.
Clue: The Inhibitor: Needs a comma after 'however'.
Return dialogue: The first paragraph is a giant run-on and should be separated into at least 3 sentences to cover the 3 different thoughts within. The second suffers from a similar case, though it looks like you just forgot to put a period after 'around'.
What could this mission use? Sorry to say, but: deletion. To reiterate what I said for mission 3 in part 1, it's a time sink, adds nothing to the story, and could've just as easily been covered by the contact saying something about Dr. Hanson having had some issues recovering his device.
Alternatively, it could be salvaged by using a smaller map or putting in some dialogue (patrols or bosses; just something to liven the place up). Either way, this mission is currently in great need of a rework, and feels like it has no other point than to make the arc 5 missions long.
[u]Mission 5:[u]
Intro dialogue: Needs a period after 'fight her'. Also, in regards to the inhibitor, 'it' either needs to go, or the sentence should be reworked into two. there should also be a period after 'we'.
Mission: Tech lab again, okay. Nav. text reads kind of weird. I would imagine it should say 'plant the cybernetic inhibitor' or just 'plant the inhibitor'. There's also a slight discrepancy of text when I click the glowie - am I planting the device, or just activating something Faith already put there? If the second, why didn't she just do so? Did the Order stop her before she could? Needs some more explanation.
Bio: The Inquisitor: Possessive designation should be 'Saint's', using the apostrophe. 'Among' needs an o instead of a u. Oh, and I believe she should be named Rayner, not Raynor.
NPC Dialogue: The Inquisitor: Not quite sure what you're trying to say in the first part of her inactive dialogue. I imagine it should be 'The last group's conscripts are overdue'.
Return dialogue: 'Docs' should not be capitalized, not does it need an apostrophe. 'Was' should be 'were', referring to plural places.
What could this mission use? Maybe a patrol or two with dialogue to put some more life on the map. 
"If I had Force powers, vacuum or not my cape/clothes/hair would always be blowing in the Dramatic Wind." - Tenzhi
Characters
[ QUOTE ]
Arc Name: Saints and Sinners Part Three: The Fallen Saint
Arc ID: 147682
Morality: Heroic
Faction: Custom, Crey, Arachnos, Malta
Missions: 4
Difficulty Level: Hard. Level 40+ recommended. Either bring team or on difficulty 1.
Synopsis: The final battle with the Order of Steel and the Mysterious Saint draws near. Will you be able to save humanity from enslavement?
[/ QUOTE ]
Rating: ****
Likes: Big Bad concept
Gripes: Technical difficulties, some plot disconnects, convenience plot
Synopsis:
While I can't say I didn't like this arc, there's much room for improvement, and not just from a gameplay aspect. It does flow smoothly, don't get me wrong, but there are some details that just leave me stopped and scratching my head until I figure out where something came from. Some of these aspects are very immersion-breaking, like the erroneously scripted battles in mission 1.
The plot suffers form this as well, however. Long story short, it's a convenience plot: all the elements are so conveniently placed for the protagonist that all he/she/it has to do is keep wandering merrily, and everything will work out okay. While there's nothing technically wrong with this, it does leave me to wonder just what the point of the previous two arcs even was - just to reveal there's a new villain in town called the Saint and that he's mind-controlling people with cybernetics? The very first mission of this arc covers both of these things.
Truth be told, nearly the entire plot of this whole 14-mission multi-arc is contained in these last 4 missions, from discovering the Saint's actual plan to finding the means to stop him ('coincidentally' right along the way, I should mention) to revealing his identity to actually doing the deed. Not that it's a bad story, but again, the way it's presented here makes me feel like I wasted my time with the previous 10 missions when I could've just done these 4, yet still gotten the entire plot.
I'm not sure if this was done on purpose, perhaps to pre-empt the inevitable 'I didn't get it' cries from people who really ended up just playing the 3rd part, but in my opinion (which is nothing but my personal preference), telling a story like this is extremely bad form. Parts 1 and 2 could've greatly benefited from having important plot elements of their own, such as clues to the Saint's plan, his identity, etc. In closing: great concept, good story, but the main act getting scrunched in at the end there just wasn't my thing.
Oh, and one more thing: the 'elite' part of the Order felt a lot weaker than the regular troops.
Details:
[u]Mission 1:[u]
Intro dialogue: I don't see anything technically wrong here, but it reads kind of weird with things like 'part of the planning of several operations' and 'to be able to afford'. Granted, this may be on purpose considering who the contact is, but I don't know her well enough to say for sure, so I'll just make a note here. The sentence regarding the Order's raid leader is a run-on and should be separated with something other than a comma.
Mission: Fairly well-scripted, but the battles just end up sitting there no matter what side wins, so it's kind of jarring when Malta win, yet stand right by the Order boss doing nothing useful.
Clue: Cybernetic Receiver: 'Complex-looking' should be connected as shown. However, in the context presented, it'd probably be better to drop 'looking' entirely.
Clue: The Shipping List: The 'to' in 'break it to you' should only have one o. Also, there should be a commas after 'so' and the last 'them'.
Return dialogue: There should be a comma before 'even though', and 'those guys are no pushovers' should be its own sentence.
What could this mission use? Some dialogue for the battles, as well as more fine-tuning of them. I don't know if there's a way to set battle groups to rogue, so I suggest you play around and test this mission many more times to make sure things don't go awkward like they did for me.
[u]Mission 2:[u]
Intro dialogue: Needs commas after 'Cavalier' and 'hiding'. I'd also replace 'but not' with 'without' and 'we're able' with 'we might be able'.
Mission: Seems fairly straightforward, though it feels a little odd to have Arachnos in charge of what seemed to be a Malta smuggling ship. Oh well. The nav text about Agent Harris is kind of confusing. What should I do with him? Find, rescue, defeat? Ah, he's the mentioned Captain, and it looks like defeat. Too bad he has no dialogue, would've been nice.
Return dialogue: The first part of the second paragraph should be its own sentence.
What could this mission use? Dialogue and more detailed objective text for Agent Harris.
[u]Mission 3:[u]
Intro dialogue: The first part is a run-on; should just be its own sentence. Also, 'whatever' is one word, and 'doozy' needs another o. Also, I don't recall a Crey lab researching androids and AI from before, so you might want to explain the reference better when the contact says they're after 'another' one. 'Recorded' is missing an r, and the // are somewhat jarring. Why don't you just use italics for these?
Mission: Hm, it looks like the Crey Computer Programmer is missing his bio. I doubt he'd be working for Crey if he's helping Longbow with portal research. Also, your $placeholder tags don't seem to be working, and you seem to have gone just a bit overboard with the patrols/battles. There's blue text everywhere!
The Programmer's Computer (yes, it's missing the apostrophe) seems to be missing its bio as well, as I don't think it 'must be destroyed'. Finally, major disconnect between finding the android and beating the lab chief to a pulp.
Clue: The AI Virus: Should have a colon after 'objectives'.
Return dialogue: 'Then' should be 'than'. Also, the last sentence is a run-on.
What could this mission use? Maybe a few less patrol/battles, but most of all an objective pointing to the fact that you need to defeat the lab chief to find the android, and some manner of connecting text between him and the clue he drops. The easiest way to do the latter is probably to give him some more dialogue, the last part of which being something along the lines of him spilling the beans.
[u]Mission 4:[u]
Intro dialogue: More run-ons. The first one should only have one 'and', then a separation (more than one place to put it; I suggest separating before 'it looks like'), and the second could probably do with just a period instead of a comma in the last sentence of the pre-accept text.
Intro popup: 'Vanguard's' needs an apostrophe. I'm also not sure what you're trying to say with 'covers you as enter for the final face off', but I do know 'face-off' should be connected as shown.
Mission: Interesting that the internet access node is a Rikti conputer. Not sure if that's on purpose, but it feels very out of place on this office map. And what's with the hole in the floor? Well, guess I'll find out. Oh, Rikti caves, makes sense. I guess I redact my earlier comment. The Saint itself was somewhat disappointing though, especially after the ambushes beforehand.
Bio: The Saint: The first sentence is a run-on that I'm not sure how to fix. The two thoughts seem very incongruent, and could probably just use a general rewrite. Also, I think it would sound better if you connected 'variables' with the following sentence using a hyphen.
Return dialogue: The last sentence is a run-on. A period before 'it would' would serve it well.
What could this mission use? An ambush or something in the final boss fight. After all this build-up, the Saint needs some more oomph, but not in a personal fashion. It has an army - it should be used. Oh, and the ending could at least have a word or two about the Rikti stuff and the Saint's 'demise'. As it stands now, it feels like just an 'it's over now, we don't care anymore, bye'.
"If I had Force powers, vacuum or not my cape/clothes/hair would always be blowing in the Dramatic Wind." - Tenzhi
Characters
Note: Though it may be redundant to say so, I am hereby closing the thread to submissions. I'll still critique what's presently in my queue, but am no longer taking any new requests.
Presently still in queue are "The Lost Choir" (123675, 136959, 141011), "The Revenge of Dr. Marcovici" (161797), and "The Calling of the Cult (First Chapter)" (64859).
If I've missed someone who's given me the requested feedback, please let me know.
"If I had Force powers, vacuum or not my cape/clothes/hair would always be blowing in the Dramatic Wind." - Tenzhi
Characters
I have revised a number of the problematic story points. I think this version plays considerably less with the Idiot Ball.
New arc# is 87975.