I'll try yours if you'll try mine
By
5th_Elemental,
Posted on: 2009-04-10 13:04 in Mission Architect
Childhood Horrors review
Premise seems to involve a plot by Lord Recluse against Ms Liberty and Statesman.
Level range looked to be 45-54. I played a solo 50 AR/dev blaster on Heroic.
Mission 1
Briefing: Ellipses overused, maybe replace some of those with just regular periods.
"One such case, is Herbert, who was just trying to start a spy-network, you know, to work the streets and get the news back to the Heroes!" This sentence seems very awkward to me; partly because it is oddly punctuated and partly because saying he was just an innocent guy starting a spy network sounds weird. Also, I think Ms Liberty should say who "caught [him] during his first 'raid'". (And is Herbert really raiding stuff? It sounded like he was just spying.) Maybe rephrase to something more like:
"Herbert was once rescued from the clutches of the Lost by heroes much like yourself. In gratitude, he wanted to do something in return, and he was working towards setting up a street level network of informants to help out other heroes. But [villain group] found out about about this, and now Herbert's in trouble."
Second part of briefing: It's not til nearly the end of the second page of the briefing that Ms Liberty finally indirectly mentions that Herbert was trying to spy on a Council base. I think maybe this should've been stated earlier in the briefing.
Entry popup: I like the way you have the "scanner gadget" beep and reveal the data terminals, it makes the "3 Data Terminals to hack" goal seem much more logical. (Still overusing ellipses though!)
Herbert's captors' dialog: "Come on Herbert, just spill the beans already and tell us why you're here?" This sounds like his captors are pleading with him, but I think you actually want them to be interrogating him, so maybe this should be "Herbert! Just spill the beans already! Tell us why you're here!" Or if you don't mind using a more stereotypical villain line, "We have ways of making you talk, Herbert! Tell us why you're here!"
"get them both guys!" initially made me think they were going to get "both guys". Suggest you rephrase to "Get them! Get them both!"
"Herbert's tale" clue: I like this clue, but again too many ellipses. Maybe it should explain more about who the Overseer is (if Herbert knows), or if not, make it clearer that Herbert doesn't know who the Overseer is because he just overheard them talking about this mysterious figure.
Herbert takes off after you rescue him, which makes sense for a typical hostage, but Ms Liberty said Herbert was trying to help heroes, so this doesn't seem consistent with his earlier motivations. I don't think you ACTUALLY want him to turn into an Ally, though, so maybe you should have Herbert's dialog as he leaves say something abut how he'll leave this up to the professional heroes.
"Encrypted Data files" clue has yet more ellipses. The way the clue is written, it makes it sound like the player is supposed to suddenly think of this EaglesEye Branigan character, but since this character has not previously been introduced, I don't actually know who this is, so it doesn't quite work for me.
I suggest that maybe you get "EaglesEye Branigan" as a name on a plaintext email that's mixed in with the encrypted files (maybe one of your three glowies could give you this as a separate clue, even) and this clue maybe would let you think he has the cipher key.
EaglesEye Branigan's description has more ellipses; also "Cypher" should be "cipher key" based on the terminology you've used so far. I like his dialog and how he berates the other Council for leaving their computer terminals unlocked though. 
"Guys! Some help here? someone get Police Woman off my back?! Sheesh!" ... "someone" should be "Someone". Maybe "Guys!" should be "Umm, guys?" based on the tone of this dialog.
"Help Boss Branigan, Police Woman must not obtain the Cipher!" sounds awkward, suggest you rephrase to "Archon Branigan needs our help! The cipher key must not fall into Police Woman's hands!"
"It's bigger than you, Police Woman, give up now and maybe you can keep your Mind!" should maybe be, "This is bigger than you, Police Woman! Give up now, and maybe you can keep your mind!" (or maybe sanity instead of mind - not QUITE sure what he's talking about.)
All these references to "The Overseer" is starting to make me think the Council are being controlled by a rogue Rularuu.
"Branigan's Cipher Disc" should maybe be "The Cipher Key" for consistency. Also, the clue says it's all I need to decipher the data file fragments; if this is true, I should immediately be able to read the secret communique. But Ms Liberty ends up taking the cipher key and the data file fragments to Positron to decode. I think this is an inconsistency; either the cipher key is all you need (and you should be able to decode it yourself) or it's still encrypted (and you need help from Positron). At some point, I did get a "Secret Communique" clue, though; not sure if this was at the end of mission 1 or the start of mission 2.
Mission exit popup: "Chipher Disc" should be "cipher key". "data file" should be "data files" (since you found a bunch on multiple terminals).
Mission 2
Briefing: "I actually fear He's in over his head" seems an odd thing to say, considering Positron is a member of the Surviving Eight and a level 54 AV and stuff. What makes her even say that? All the info we have up to this point is that it's just a Council plot, right? So I don't see why Ms Liberty would be concerned. Also "He's" should be "he's".
Second part of briefing: OK, now Ms Liberty expositions some about why she thinks Positron is in trouble, which helps explain why she is worried about Positron.
"You know how Positron is, always displaying bravado" -- not sure this is supported by the canon; Positron is the scientific guy, not the loose cannon guy.
"defeat may become a very permanent future!!!" is oddly phrased. Maybe you want to say "defeat could have fatal consequences!" or something similar.
Map choice: The briefing said the dampening devices are being set up around hospitals, but the map is the northern part of Steel Canyon which is nowhere near the Steel Canyon hospital.
The Secret Communique says that the Council set up these Dampening Devices, but this map is full of Arachnos, which seems inconsistent.
"Defend the devices, Police Woman cannot be allowed to foil the Overseer's plans for revenge!" is awkwardly phrased. Should maybe drop "for revenge" or rephrase this to something like "It's Police Woman! Defend the devices! The Overseer must have his revenge!"
"Ignore everyone else who enters, we must not allow Police Woman and Positron to destroy anymore devices!" This seems like a very weird thing to say, the "Ignore everyone else" part anyway. Also, "anymore" should be "any more".
Positron's dialog, "embrrassing" should be "embarrassing".
"Police Woman is here, if she joins forces with Positron... the Overseer will not be happy!!" is awkward sounding. Maybe rephrase to "Stop Police Woman! Don't let her join forces with Positron!"
"Positron: Finally, Police Woman, I thought you were a no-show and that's after Megan talked so highly of you!" This seems a very rude thing to say when I've just rescued him from Arachnos, and out of character for Positron. Suggest you rephrase this so that Positron seems glad to see the hero.
"lets find this Overseer fellow" should be "let's find this Overseer fellow".
I like the dynamic way the objectives are set up, with destroying the third device causing Positron to appear, and then rescuing Positron causing the Overseer to appear, but this outdoor map is a little large to have to search once for devices, then search a second time for a hostage, then search a third time for the big boss.
Positron spawned as a level 50 EB for me, which is a bit overpowering for an ally and makes me wonder how on earth he got captured by the level 50 minions that were guarding him.
Found the Overseer ??? and thought it was odd that he was just a lieutenant; the Positron EB and I stomped him awfully quickly. I like that his name and description seems to imply that this isn't REALLY the Overseer.
Overseer's dialog: "This is who they send against the mighty Overseer.... Police Woman? If I defeat you, don't come back, ok?!" This sounds awkward. I suggest you drop the last part "If I defeat you, don't come back, ok?!" Maybe this is meant to threaten that the hospital is disabled in case I die, but I don't think you're able to REALLY stop the player from going to the hospital, so that would be an empty threat.
With the Overseer being just a lieutenant and being attacked by both an elite boss and a player, he spat out all five or six lines of his dialog in the 2 seconds it took for us to defeat him. If these lines of dialog were spaced out over a longer fight, it would be fine, but as it is I think you might want to drop some of the middle lines that are just posturing. For example he says "You are stronger than the other failed ones, but not strong enough Police Woman..." and a fraction of a second later he says "I cannot believe I underestimated you like this!" because of the rate we're damaging him.
I like the "It's too late, Police Woman, we captured your friend and she has alarming news for you... Ha ha ha!" message, it's very villainous. Though it's triggered another dynamically spawned ally, so I have to search this map a fourth time, ouch. I love all the dynamically spawned encounters, but is there any way you can do this on a smaller map so there isn't as much search time? While dragging Positron around and having him aggro on stuff, I ended up having to defeat nearly everything on this outdoor map. Having an EB ally admittedly helped for this, though.
"Fake Overseer Defeated" clue says I learned of yet another ally who has been captured...shouldn't this clue, and the mission objectives, say who this other ally is? Or if it's intended to be a surprise, maybe use language telling the player that you don't know who it is, but you know they're in trouble.
The message Positron says when I leave him, then rejoin him: "Wonderful Police Woman, now lets get going shall we?" should be "Wonderful, Police Woman! Now let's get going, shall we?
"Fortunata: It's Police Woman... quick, stop her now, she must not leave here alive and foil our plan again!" ... this is really awkward sounding, I have a hard time picturing someone saying that in a fight. Maybe have them say something simpler, like "Oh no, it's Police Woman again! Stop her!"
"lets hurry, Ms. Liberty needs our help!" I think it would make more sense for Sister Psyche to say this after being rescued, instead of the nearly inarticulate "Megan... she... no, not here... lets go!" Also "lets" should be "let's" in both lines.
I'm not quite sure why Sister Psyche needs me to walk her to the exit - she's not exactly a helpless hostage, and nothing here is likely to be able to stop her.
I like that Sister Psyche says "Ok... so Megan is in a coma, at the Founder's Falls Hospital.. and only you can save her!" as I get her out, but I think you can drop the "Ok.... so" part to make this line a little stronger. And I like the idea that only I can save her.... but why can only I save her? Sister Psyche is a super-telepath and probably better at mind affecting stuff than I am. Maybe needs some explanation.
Sister Psyche's bad news clue: "when Ms. Liberty met with terrible forces that defeated her" is pretty vague. I think it might sound stronger if you say that she was ambushed by a specific villain group, then the hospital transporters tried to snatch her to safety.
Mission exit popup: some nice info here, but it's 7 lines that are all one very long run-on sentence; I think you should break it up into several sentences. Also "cowerdly" should be "cowardly".
Debriefing: I like the debriefing and how it explains why "only you" can save Ms Liberty (presumably getting Positron and Sister Psyche out of the picture). It's kinda comic book pseudo-science, but I can buy that. However, this story explanation will have some plot holes if the player is actually on a team, since the other teammates presumably won't already have been subjected to the mental-lock.
Mission 3
Briefing: seems like a very cool setup. "conciousness" should be "consciousness".
Second part of briefing: "errected" should be "erected".
I like the popup message as you enter; I thought an Arachnos base was a weird choice, but the popup message helps set the stage for why we're here and gives a good sense of ambience. (Still overuses ellipses though.)
Okay, the Vampire Rabbits and Vampire Bunnies are just...weird. Are they supposed to signify something in Ms Liberty's psyche? Was Megan savaged by a rabbit at an early age? (Later I found more info that explained them. Still not sure why the rabbits know martial arts though; I guess rabbits kick?)
Found an altar labeled "Megan's mind", which is kind of odd; shouldn't it just be "Stone Altar" or do I somehow recognize it as more significant than that? "Stone Altar of Beginnings" clue says "After you examined it, it disappeared" ... but the altar is actually still there. Also in this clue "Alter" should be "Altar".
"Toys" clue: ok, this mutilated stuffed rabbit toy is pretty creepy. Very nice effect.
Several minutes after I rescued the Fluttering Shadow, she had additional dialog.... that totally surprised me. I eventually figured out that it was her dialog for me leaving her and returning. Was a neat effect though.
Only the first "scrolls" glowy and the first "toybox" glowy seemed to award the "Book of Vampires" and "A dusty stuffed rabbit toy" clues; this makes the additional "scrolls" and "toybox" glowies somewhat redundant. You might consider reducing the number of glowies to just one "scrolls" and one "toybox".
I found a "Liberty's Mind" ally that I rescued. I'm not sure it makes sense for there to be both a "Liberty's Mind" ally and a "Megan's mind" glowy. Though, I also have a "Liberty's Mind" clue now that suggests that clicking that glowy caused Liberty's Mind to appear. The clue also says that getting Liberty's Mind out of here would cause Ms Liberty to regain consciousness; this seems to suggest I should lead her out of the mission, but I don't think that is your intention.
Liberty's Mind has dialog that is totally inarticulate. This might be intentional though, since she is probably all mixed up.
In the mission objectives, the two "Find out who gave Megan" objectives should drop the trailing "..." ellipses, because these don't look right with a comma after them.
Giver of the Book and Giver of the Bunny are both quite disturbing. (Good job)
Ironically, Liberty's Mind got stuck on a piece of geometry while I was walking her through the mission. I felt bad at her pleading as I had to leave her behind. I ended up pulling Liberty's Shadow to where Liberty's Mind was located, while the Statesman and Sister Psyche echoes were wandering around while we all fought...it was pretty surreal.
What does Liberty's Shadow signify, anyway? Should she maybe be "Liberty's Subconscious" or "Liberty's Fears"?
In the "Liberty liberated" clue, "Ms. Libertys' fears" should be "Ms. Liberty's fears" and "conciousness" should be "consciousness".
Debriefing: Much, much too short for the wrap up of your story. I think you need more writing here; maybe Ms Liberty or Sister Psyche could explain a little more about all the childhood fears and neuroses that caused Ms Liberty to become trapped.
Nice souvenir. "conciousness" should be "consciousness" though, and "Duncans childhood" should be "Duncan's childhood".
Loose ends: Whatever happened to the Mind-Web Virus? We never got it out of the system, so won't it still be out there waiting to trap Ms Liberty or other heroes?
Why were the Council and Arachnos working together on this? They are traditionally rivals and it is never explained why they are both serving the Overseer.
Who or what is the Overseer? We defeated the Fake Overseer but we never found out who the real Overseer is and arrest him.
What did the Mind-Web Virus have to do with what happened in Ms Liberty's mind? From what I found in the third mission, it seemed like everything there holding Ms Liberty's mind trapped was stuff in her own back story; not quite sure how the Mind-Web Virus was involved at all, except as a McGuffin to get the player into the last mission.
Overall
I really liked the creepy mood of the last mission, it was very disturbing. I also really liked the dynamic way the objectives were chained to each other, making each mission feel very cool and unique. The middle mission felt a little long due to having to repeatedly search Steel Canyon for the dynamically spawned objectives, but I do like the way they were connected together.
I think the dialog could use some work though, some of the things the NPCs said felt very stilted and unnatural. Also I thought there were a lot of loose ends that were never cleaned up. The plot was a little murky; since we never actually find the Overseer, we never figure out what his motivation is for hurting Ms Liberty. The description of the story arc seems to tell us the most about this; it is never actually explained in the story itself. As a result it seems like it is mostly a set up to get into the last mission in Ms Liberty's mind.
But the gameplay of each mission is pretty cool, and the ambience set up by the last mission was terrific.
I gave this story 4 stars.
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I owe a review to:
@Lycanus - 110465, 16376 or 113224
@Aracade - Facing Chaos 105163
GGG247 - 2 of 103955 and 63910
DarthGM - one of 59608 Little Boy Legacy or 103694 Torchbearer
@GlaziusF - Dream Paper 1874
@Steeple - Enter, the Darkened 107230
@Flagrant Fowl - Strange Tale of Silent Witness 114250
@El Condor - Freaks and Geeks 55715
@Ryo Takenoko - 1 of Kidnapping an Idol 136188 or Santa's Workshop of Misfit Toys 134140
@Elisenda - 1 of (A Lame Joke, 22982) (Fine Literature, 136522)
@Stomphoof - Return of the Three Fold King 153654
@Linarra - Coming Unglued 6015
@Grandma Squeak - one of 118970 Curse of the Pharaoh's Tomb, 63131 American Gothic, or 129487 I'm So Confused
@FemFury - Amazon-Avatars 5909
Mecha GM - Operation Pitcher Plant 4370
in queue:
WynterPhrost
@Canadian Canuk - 99 bottles of Beer 100616
@OverlordIndigo - A Hero is Made, Not Born 20863
Theron - The Construct 91887
@Spry - Saving Grace 124477
You can make me owe you a review if you run through and review one of:
Axis and Allies (1379)
Celebrity Kidnapping (1388)
Teen Phalanx Forever! (67335)
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
Thank you for the kind and thourough review. I will be making changes to the story-arc, and possibly re-publishing it with a new ID. 
I believe that a Kheldian Gold Standard should be based on SO's, and for anything above that... there's Platinum!
Save Ms. Liberty (#5349) � Augmenting Peacebringers � The Umbra Illuminati
Save Ms. Liberty (#5349) � Augmenting Peacebringers � The Umbra Illuminati
Hunters of Beasts: It starts with a riot... review
The premise of this arc seems to be dealing with a riot in King's Row.
Level ranges seem to be mostly 5-14 hero side. I played a level 9 MA/regen scrapper on heroic.
Mission 1
Briefing: I guess as a hero I automatically like classical music? The character I am playing is kind of a para-military martial artist. I suppose it is possible she likes classical, but it seems a lot to assume.
Should "Victoria Stnad" be "Victoria Stand"? Not sure though, Stnad could be a proper name of some sort.
Second part of briefing: "piece and tranquility" should probably be "peace and tranquility". "Witches Sabboth" should perhaps be "Witches Sabbath".
Mission objectives: "2 Find Clues" should probably be "2 clues to find". I kinda think "Quiet the riot" should be "Quell the riot", but I guess Quiet works also. It just reminds me of a band. Not a classical one, though.
As this is a very low level arc, you might need more pointed directions for what needs to be accomplished to "Quiet the riot". My first guess would be that it's a Defeat All in King's Row, which would be ... a lot to ask. I suspect it's something less than that though.
I do kind of like the random hostages I'm saving on the streets here. Haven't seen any of the gangs actually fighting, though I did see some Skulls and Hellion patrols that were trash talking as they were moving, and some patrols that showed up wounded as if they had fought someone.
Found a hostage called "Lost Victims", should probably be just "Lost Victim". Also found a hostage called "Vahzilok victims", should be "Vahzilok Victim". Or you could just call them all "Victim"; a "Vahzilok Victim" might be misinterpreted as being a victimized member of the Vahzilok. My guess is that you have multiple hostage situations so called your encounter "Lost Victims" for that reason, but this name got reused as the hostage names.
Lost Victims also says "I...willl...be..." and has an extra 'l' in "willl". Unless you intend for the word to sound dragged out.
The rescued hostages just kind of stand up and stay where they are once rescued; not sure if this is the intended behavior.
Found the two bodies, though this map is quite large for searching for glowies while pre-travel power; but it IS King's Row so makes sense for a King's Row riot. "Burned Body" sounds especially grisly, though the staked goth kid sounds bad too. "affire" should be "afire" in the Burned Body clue.
After getting the two clues and freeing most of the hostages, the mission still didn't end for me, so I popped out of the mission and checked the Architect Entertainment console and found that...wow, this actually IS a Defeat All Enemies in King's Row mission.
I thought I had cleared enough that I would go ahead and complete the defeat all, but it took longer than I expected, I finally had to click on my raptor pack temp power and fly around looking for mobs. I found my very last mobs, a couple roaming Hellions that had somehow climbed up on top of the power lines and were walking on them. This mission took me a really long time to finish, and I probably wouldn't have done so except that I didn't realize it was a defeat all until after having cleared most of it anyway. With this map being so large, and also several roaming patrols (some of which jump up onto fire escapes, tops of trees and power lines), doing a defeat all in this mission is quite a big undertaking. I think you will have a lot of players give up before completing this mission. You may want to reduce this to rescuing a certain number of hostages.
The "Anomalous Murders" clue at the end of the mission is very nice and detailed, though. I think "how the skull made identification" should be "how the Skull made identification" though. The description of the murders is quite gruesome; although that is okay, if that is the intended tone for your story arc.
The popup on exiting the mission, I think "still lived to hunt" should be "still lives to hunt"; since the killer is still at large, after all. Also, this popup seems to imply there is only one killer. There were two bodies, murdered by different methods; isn't it too much of a leap to assume there's only one killer? It actually seems more probable that the Hellion was killed by a Skull, and the Skull was killed by a Hellion.
The fact that the victims were described as being killed near a convenience store and a bank immediately makes me think there should've been security camera footage of their deaths, since both those types of buildings usually have constant camera surveillance. I actually think that would be a more logical next lead on these mysterious murders.
My scrapper leveled to 10 during this mission and trained in Dull Pain.
Debriefing: nicely written, kinda moody and cynical.
Mission 2
Briefing: The briefing is nicely written and rather moody, but it seems to be irrelevant to solving the mysterious murders. Instead the mission suddenly tells me that I want to stop some random thugs doing a breaking & entering. I don't see how this is really connected to the previous mission, so this doesn't seem strongly motivated; it's just a random event. Also, the contact is still a radio, and yet no part of this briefing is played over the radio -- seems inconsistent.
After defeating the Boss Thief, I got the "Thugs seeking escape" clue, which says the thugs weren't responsible for murdering the woman who lives in the house. But I haven't found the woman who lives (well, lived) in the house yet, so this is a puzzling clue. Also, I think this clue should mention why I think the thugs aren't responsible - perhaps one of the thugs blabbed this so I'd go easier on him, or I observed them and decided they don't have the manner of killers, or something. Basically there needs to be some reason why I think this.
Mission completion clue, "You didn't take much time to leave the crime scene in the hands of the police before checking...." sounds rather awkward. Maybe should be "You quickly turned the crime scene over to the police, then went to check..."
"Indeed, she had not long before been there" should probably be "She had indeed been there shortly before."
"she had waited patiently for the maintenance guy to finish fixing the machine" ... no machine was mentioned in the "Follow-Up" clue before this. You should say what machine; probably "ATM machine" based on context. ATM machines also usually have camera surveillance, incidentally.
Mission exit popup: "nowhere near by" should be "nowhere nearby". I don't think "You've failed to save her" is a fair statement - she was clearly killed before the player arrived on the scene, so there was no opportunity for the player to even be aware she needed saving.
Debriefing: again, has no radio transmissions despite being conveyed by the radio contact. "Only this time, the victim was no dyed in the wool killer" ... this seems a misleading statement; the last victim was the brother of a Hellion, that hardly makes him a killer! Just related to a thug. I'm also not sure why you hyphenate "college-student" but don't hyphenate "dyed in the wool"; I'd probably write "college student" and "dyed-in-the-wool", but that's just me.
Mission 3
Briefing: again, makes no sense why this is coming from the radio. All the briefing/debriefing text seems to now be inner monologue; I will stop repeating that comment, it seems to be true for all remaining missions. I do think the tone of voice the inner monologue takes is very interesting and moody though, and sets a good tone for tracking down a psycho killer.
The mission the briefing sends me on again seems to have no obvious connection to the serial killings, though. Attend the police department combat training shoot? That's....very random and seemingly unrelated to this investigation.
Second part of briefing: Very cool and moody inner monologue. (I feel like the contact should be replaced by a fedora hat, or a Mickey Spillane novel ... whups, I said I would stop remarking on that.) A femme fatale is introduced. I guess "Stnad" WAS an intentional spelling. Although the sentence fragment "turns her ears towards you and then looks your way" is very strange, I think you may want to say "turns her face towards you, looking".
"Combat town" is a rather unusual expression; it makes sense but you may want to use a more common expression like "combat training exercise".
Objectives: "2 Rescue Hostages" should be "2 hostages to rescue"
A lot of dialog messages played instantly as I entered the mission, but probably should've been displayed when I got close to the mobs; this seems a common MA problem though.
If this is a real combat exercise, shouldn't I have some friendlies on my side? It seems a bit lopsided for it to be me versus the whole police department.
Dr. Futz says "that was an intersting entertainment" ... should be "that was an interesting entertainment".
Got a clue describing Dr. Futz as being old, but I'm not quite sure why this should be a significant clue.
Ms. Stnad goes into a cowering animation when I rescue her, which seems a little odd. I like her description in her info, I had been wondering whether the dark glasses meant she was blind; good job on her costume, which really conveys that well.
Victoria Stnad's clue was interesting. It seemed as irrelevant as Dr. Futz's clue, but perhaps is meant to just set up a sense of ominous foreboding.
This map is pretty unmistakably the 5th Column Headquarters, so I'm not sure whether it makes sense as a site for police training exercises. This is admittedly nitpicky.
"Defeat Boss" seems such a generic mission objective; I think you could say "Defeat Opposing Force Commander" or something similar, with more detail. I eventually found this was a "Vampyr Defector", which was rather startling; seemed a bit weird, but made some more sense upon seeing his info and his faction as a Police Trainer.
"Words from the Vampyr" clue should totally be named "Interview with the Vampyr" Also "I do not much get out" should perhaps be "I do not get out much" unless you purposely are having him speak awkwardly, which is possible since he's meant to be foreign. Also his "accent" slips in a few places; he says "vorst" instead of "worst", but he pronounces his W's when he says "what I hear" and "weak and vulnerable" and "this will be a rare treat".
"A common thread" clue: "dressed in gothic style" should be perhaps "dressed in the goth style". "atm" should be capitalized "ATM" throughout.
I think some of the police and the vampyr, on defeat, should mention in their defeat dialog that they're willing to talk about the case (a reminder to check the clue journal).
Debriefing: "the young woman that the media was touting with on this Cultural Festival" sounds awkward. Maybe you mean "the young woman that the media was touting as the star violinist of the Cultural Festival"?
Mission 4
Briefing: "mainenance" should be "maintenance", "atms" should be "ATMs". I like the briefing and its writing style, but it doesn't seem to explain the mission at all; "Investigate the old hospital" is not mentioned at all by the briefing.
Second part of briefing: OK, the old hospital is mentioned here. The ordering of the text is confusing. You should mention the old hospital before the player must accept the mission "Investigate the old hospital". Either that or change the mission accept notice to something like "Check out what's behind Cullen's apartment", THEN the second part of the briefing leads to the hospital, and the mission is in the hospital itself.
Also, "outer layer of thrush" should be "outer layer of brush"; a thrush is something very different.
"Following it quietly you come quickly to an old hospital" ... suggest you reword as "Following the path, you soon come to an old hospital".
"but it has been broken, recently if you are any judge" should maybe be "but it has been broken. Recently, if you are any judge."
"the scene had yet again" should be "the scene has yet again"
I really like the mission entrance popup and the recurring violin music theme. Definitely sets up an eerie ambience, especially in concert with the spooky hospital map.
Quite a lot of dialog messages popped up as soon as I entered, again.
Mission objectives: "4 Seek Clues" should maybe be "4 clues to find".
Scattered pamphlets: "You gather all the pamphlets" should have a period at the end.
I like the "Rock of Ages Website" and "Familiar Icon" clues and how they help form a picture of the killer's motivations.
"Curious Notice" is a peculiar clue; I don't think the name makes sense, it should perhaps be "Decapitated Reaper" or something similar. "these vahzilok corpses were" should perhaps be "this corpse was", since I only found one corpse that gave this clue (the other corpses all give the "dismembered and covered in Vahzilok compounds" message which I assume are red herrings). I like the fact that the killer is becoming more proficient with his decapitation/staking kills, it definitely shows his "progress", so to speak. Oddly, though this glowy gave me a Clue for my clue journal, it did not decrement the "Seek Clues" counter.
OK, found a second "Vahzilok doctor staked and beheaded" which makes the "Curious Notice" clue make more sense in context, but the clue should really make sense for the FIRST body I find, in my opinion.
Finally found the bulletin board with the "Next Target" clue, which completed the mission; this was a good clue.
Debriefing: Nice, very moody. I like how this fits with the violin playing at the beginning of the mission; I think this means to convey time passing and the fact that Miss Stnad will be leaving the performance hall soon.
Mission 5
Briefing and mission entrance popup message both do a good job of setting the mood.
Found Dennis Hallen. Hey, didn't I rescue this guy in the orange jumpsuit in mission 1? Nice foreshadowing. In his description, "top-knotch" should be "top-notch".
I love his deluded psycho dialog as you fight him, and how he thinks he's really a hero. As an axe brute, though, he hits my level 10 scrapper like a truck! Ow. Didn't die, but came close several times.
[spoilers]
"You've taken down the Fearless Vampire Hunter" and "You have come to the sad conclusion..." should both have a period at the end.
I'm really rather bothered by the "A Sad Waste of Life" clue, I'm quite dismayed that it wasn't possible to save her. Some problems with the clue though: she is decapitated, yet I can see holy wafers stuffed in her mouth? I kinda thought the other bodies were headless, but this seems to imply her head is nearby. "a stake driven her chest" should be "a stake is driven through her chest". "her heart is missing" seems inconsistent with being staked, though, so that's...weird.
Souvenir: pretty nicely written souvenir. "Eastern European roots and were unable to reach her before the killer" should maybe be "Eastern European roots, and you were unable to reach her before the killer".
Overall
The story arc does quite a good job of setting a suspenseful mood for most of it (all but the first mission, which seems to be just a lot of fighting). The feeling of pursuing a psycho serial killer was definitely conveyed.
However, the initial riot scene requiring a defeat all on a huge map is a dealbreaker as most players will be unwilling to get through that, and as a result will never reach the more thoughtful, investigative parts of the story. The mob violence of the King's Row riot was also quite at odds with the eerie, suspenseful mood of the rest of the arc, as well.
I also thought the hook that started some of the missions (especially #2 and #3) was pretty thin and early on it felt like I was just having random events happen to me, rather than actually pursuing a proper investigation.
I was rather dismayed that the final mission ends with the killer being captured, but the girl dies. It's very unsatisfying for me to do everything I can, and it still isn't enough. I do recognize that a lot of serial killer movies end this way, so I'll cut some slack for that reason; but it's still a terrible anti-climax in my opinion.
Although I love the moody ambience of the later parts of this arc, with the other problems I felt I could only give this 3 stars. I hope you think that is fair!
[EDIT: Victoria Stnad's virtual death is really bothering me, which maybe means I should increase my rating, as I am trying to generally give higher ratings to things that "move" me. But I do think there are other problems, so I'm sticking to what I put for now, and will simply add the comment that I found the depiction of Victoria Stnad as a character to be quite effective.]
------
I owe a review to:
@Aracade - Facing Chaos 105163
GGG247 - 2 of 103955 and 63910
DarthGM - one of 59608 Little Boy Legacy or 103694 Torchbearer
@GlaziusF - Dream Paper 1874
@Steeple - Enter, the Darkened 107230
@Flagrant Fowl - Strange Tale of Silent Witness 114250
@El Condor - Freaks and Geeks 55715
@Ryo Takenoko - 1 of Kidnapping an Idol 136188 or Santa's Workshop of Misfit Toys 134140
@Elisenda - 1 of (A Lame Joke, 22982) (Fine Literature, 136522)
@Stomphoof - Return of the Three Fold King 153654
@Linarra - Coming Unglued 6015
@Grandma Squeak - one of 118970 Curse of the Pharaoh's Tomb, 63131 American Gothic, or 129487 I'm So Confused
@FemFury - Amazon-Avatars 5909
Mecha GM - Operation Pitcher Plant 4370
in queue:
WynterPhrost
@Canadian Canuk - 99 bottles of Beer 100616
@OverlordIndigo - A Hero is Made, Not Born 20863
Theron - The Construct 91887
@Spry - Saving Grace 124477
You can make me owe you a review if you run through and review one of:
Axis and Allies (1379)
Celebrity Kidnapping (1388)
Teen Phalanx Forever! (67335)
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
Hey Police Woman, I got a new Arc ID for the Three Fold King (stupid issues) and need to update it.
Its now 163274.
Thanks.
I had to lose all my ratings *sniffles* I actually had 6 plays with a 4star rating! 
[ QUOTE ]
Souvenir: pretty nicely written souvenir. "Eastern European roots and were unable to reach her before the killer" should maybe be "Eastern European roots, and you were unable to reach her before the killer".
Overall
The story arc does quite a good job of setting a suspenseful mood for most of it (all but the first mission, which seems to be just a lot of fighting). The feeling of pursuing a psycho serial killer was definitely conveyed.
However, the initial riot scene requiring a defeat all on a huge map is a dealbreaker as most players will be unwilling to get through that, and as a result will never reach the more thoughtful, investigative parts of the story. The mob violence of the King's Row riot was also quite at odds with the eerie, suspenseful mood of the rest of the arc, as well.
I also thought the hook that started some of the missions (especially #2 and #3) was pretty thin and early on it felt like I was just having random events happen to me, rather than actually pursuing a proper investigation.
I was rather dismayed that the final mission ends with the killer being captured, but the girl dies. It's very unsatisfying for me to do everything I can, and it still isn't enough. I do recognize that a lot of serial killer movies end this way, so I'll cut some slack for that reason; but it's still a terrible anti-climax in my opinion.
Although I love the moody ambience of the later parts of this arc, with the other problems I felt I could only give this 3 stars. I hope you think that is fair!
[EDIT: Victoria Stnad's virtual death is really bothering me, which maybe means I should increase my rating, as I am trying to generally give higher ratings to things that "move" me. But I do think there are other problems, so I'm sticking to what I put for now, and will simply add the comment that I found the depiction of Victoria Stnad as a character to be quite effective.]
------
[/ QUOTE ]
Thanks, and yes, I'm not entirely satisfied with the riot mission myself and I had an issue with trying to explain a fight at every mission in what was supposed to be primarily an investigation. The following arcs in this story won't have this problem as I have violent distractions built into the future parts of this storyline.
#2 is a bit random...though perhaps I can fix that a bit...I think I might have you trying to canvass for witnesses to the murders in the riot situation.
#3 is an production of the whole "every mission has to have a fight" deal again. I figured one place to go for a bit of information was the police given that heroes and cops tend to work together a lot in this setting. I'll see what I can do to make it a little less random.
Thanks for the #4 comment, I'll go ahead and make the mission text changes necessary.
As for other comments that might make you feel a bit uncertain, I'll respond in PM.
Thrythlind's Deviant Art Page
"Notice at the end, there: Arcanaville did the math and KICKED IT INTO EXISTENCE." - Ironik on the power of Arcanaville's math
Arc Name: The Lost Choir: Chapter One: The Old Testament.
Arc ID: 123675
Factions: Tuatha, Rikti, Rularuu, Custom group.
Creator Global/Forum Name: @MrSquid
Difficulty Level: Moderate. Contains 2 AV's, but a fair amount of help for them too
Synopsis: This is essentially a combination of Christian Mythos and the classic "cosmic horror" story. The first part is probably the most slow paced, with a lot of unanswered questions.
Level Range: Intended for 45+, but you could get away with 30 plus
Arc Name: The Lost Choir: Part Two: The New Testament.
Arc ID: 136959
Factions: Ritki, Custom Group.
Creator Global/Forum Name: @MrSquid
Difficulty Level: Moderate-easy. Only one AV this time around, and once again, I give you help with him.
Synopsis: Part two is much faster paced then part one, and most of the questions brought up in part one are answered.
Level Range: Intended for 45+, but you could get away with 30 plus
Arc Name: The Lost Choir: Chapter Three: Apocrypha.
Arc ID: 141011
Factions: A bunch, mostly customs.
Creator Global/Forum Name: @MrSquid
Difficulty Level: Hard. One AV, but its a doozy. I still give you plenty of help though.
Synopsis: Part 3 is only one mission long, mainly being the climactic final boss fight.
Level Range: Intended for 45+, but you could get away with 30 plus
Feel free to review these seperatley, but remember that they all constitute one big story. If you are going to review them seperately, at least review them in order. Thanks!
re: review of "Escalation", Arc #6143
Let me thank Police Woman for an excellent review.
First, thanks for doing some good proofreading and thus catching lots of little typos that both I and my SG all missed.
Further, a lot of her comments got me thinking, and I think I've fleshed out a few new things in the arc now.
[ QUOTE ]
Also, why is ArtilleryBot one word, but Minion Bot and Combat Bot are two words? They should have a similar naming scheme.
[/ QUOTE ]
That had happened because there wasn't quite enough space for "Lashion Artillery Bot" with the space in. All the bots now use the "non-space" scheme (MinionBot, SupportBot, etc). Thanks for pointing that one out.
[ QUOTE ]
Dr. Erica Lashion: Just a minion? Seemed awfully easy. It makes sense based on the background info, but she didn't even have time to summon bots before we dropped her each time. This may be intentional, though, as the detective really plays up how easy she is.
[/ QUOTE ]
yep, quite intentional. and sets things up for the theme and progression to follow.
[ QUOTE ]
One question I have, though, is what is Dr. Lashion doing in Atlas Park in the first place? She isn't obviously stealing anything or robbing a bank, so what is her motivation for being here?
[/ QUOTE ]
good point. I was leaving it at "generic supervillain plot". Since this is really a setup for the future conflict. But I can see how that can leave questions unanswered. So, I've added an optional destructible object which shows what her plan is. As well as some fixed groups of robots that are looting. Sadly, this map doesn't allow hostages.
[ QUOTE ]
We noticed her models are getting taller each time. ... or was that our imagination?
[/ QUOTE ]
Nope, not your imagination. There's a pretty steady progression there. As well as other subtle changes in outfit each time. Was trying to show steady change, while making it look very much the same person each time.
[ QUOTE ]
Both this mission and the previous one were over very very quickly, though maybe this is okay considering it's a 5-mission arc.
[/ QUOTE ]
Pretty purposeful. I wanted this to be a "fast" 5 mission arc.
Idea is to get to each fight with her pretty quickly. Keep it fast pace story, with a sense (hopefully) of increasing danger and tension.
[ QUOTE ]
The clone army is great! I really think they should have more dialog, though, since they are all Dr. Lashion, after all. Perhaps consider adding some patrols, ambushes, or nonrequired boss spawns (all named Dr. Lashion) so they can monologue at you about how they're totally going to wreck you this time? With the premise you have, you could easily have ten times as much evil mastermind dialog than a regular evil mastermind gets, since they're all really the same person!
Since this is Dr. Lashion's lab, I kinda think there should be a lot of tech gizmos, like nutrient baths for clones or workbenches for robots, that potentially could be destroyed or confiscated.
[/ QUOTE ]
These were excellent suggestions.
I added in some optional boss spawns, with the 3 lesser stages of clone development. Which makes sure that the player gets to see every size so far on this map. And gives a chance for some more dialogue. Originally, I was thinking that all the clones except the prime one were non-verbal, but going the other way does give more chance to explore how Escalation is experiencing the multiple clone body thing.
[ QUOTE ]
Escalation 2.0 is a decent upgrade from the last one; finally a boss this time. I actually think we could've handled the last Escalation upgrade (in Mission 3) being a boss (or EB on a bigger team) too.
[/ QUOTE ]
I did want to keep to a pretty steady progression.
On high enough difficulty, she'd be an Elite Boss on this mission.
With high enough Difficulty or big enough team, the 5 missions go Minion, LT, Boss, EB, AV. (which is pretty obvious in retrospect, I'm sure).
[ QUOTE ]
I like Jaded Captive's dialog when you free her. She should have some jaded remark she says before you free her, too, something like "Oh no, not again. Can we hurry it up? I'm late for my hair appointment".
[/ QUOTE ]
I added something much like this. Thanks for the idea.
Hope you liked the other hostage dialogue too. I tried to give many reactions to the villainess, from different people and points of view, if you will.
[ QUOTE ]
I love the laundry list of pseudo-scientific ingredients Escalation Extreme says she included in her current clone.
[/ QUOTE ]
Thanks. That was me being a bit of a canon geek. And trying to justify just how much change she'd accomplished. And how crazy far she'd gone to do this...
[ QUOTE ]
Escalation Extreme says "I'm stuck!" right before she goes unstoppable, which is a little weird since her dialog suggests she's in trouble, but really she's about to become as tough as she ever gets.
[/ QUOTE ]
Good point.
I've tweaked the dialogue a bit. She still has moment of panic at 1/4 health, but then defiantly shouts at end "No! Must ESCALATE!". Goes pretty well with the tarzan chest-thumping of Unstoppable, and hopefully shows she's activating her big power out of fear.
Thanks again. Works much better now.
[ QUOTE ]
But, the missions seemed pretty straightforward and it felt like there wasn't that much to do in each mission except for the part where you interact with Dr. Lashion/Escalation;
[/ QUOTE ]
Added a bit more in Missions 1 and 4. And an extra glowie in mission 3. Hopefully, didn't overdo it.
[ QUOTE ]
Her robot army was a little bland, perhaps more could be done with them; maybe give them some robotic dialog or stuff to do (guarding hostages or items or something).
[/ QUOTE ]
I did want the robot army to be a bit secondary to the mad genius herself. I have added some dialogue for them in the aforementioned additional optional objectives in Missions One and Four.
[ QUOTE ]
My teammate thought the arc could use some more clues; I think the briefings are pretty explanatory of what's going on, but perhaps a clue after the first upgraded Dr Lashion explaining the cycle of escalation would be helpful.
[/ QUOTE ]
Added clues after missions 2 and 4, focusing on just that. Thanks for the suggestion.
[ QUOTE ]
I thought it was witty and fun though. I gave it 4 stars.
[/ QUOTE ]
Thanks for the good rating. And even more for the feedback, and idea-sparking thoughts.
I think it's a better arc now. And certainly many less typos.
I'm hoping it'd be a 5-star worthy arc now. We'll see what the next person to play it says.
I'm a published amateur comic book author: www.ericjohnsoncomics.com
******MA Arcs****
Arc 5909: "Amazon-Avatars"
Arc 6143: "Escalation" (Nominee: Architect Awards, Nominee: Player Awards, and Dev's Choice!)
[ QUOTE ]
One of the problems I had was that there are an awful lot of Lashion robots but it didn't feel like they really did much except act as speed bumps on the way to the main event, facing off with Lashion/Escalation. You do have a few robots guarding hostages in the bank mission and the final Atlas mission; I think it would help to give them a little dialog, albeit in robot-speak. Maybe a patrol here and there with more robot-speak; in later missions they can say something that implies that Lashion has specifically programmed them to search for and beat up the player. Just something to make the various non-Lashion mobs seem a little more lively.
[/ QUOTE ]
I have added a few more lines to them. And more for them to do. I'm being careful about going too far. I think keeping the robots fairly generic keeps the focus on the main supervillainess.
[ QUOTE ]
I very much liked the idea you had for the optional glowy poster board with defaced pictures of the player on it, to show how much Lashion really hates the protagonist. This whole arc is really about Lashion's grudge match with the player.
[/ QUOTE ]
That optional glowie is now in there. And yep, the whole arc is really a grudge thing.
[ QUOTE ]
I kind of would've liked the player to have some hand in locking Lashion in her last body, preventing her escape; maybe having discovered a "De-Escalation" chemical or something. But having Escalation defeated by her own hubris is also very classic, so that works too.
[/ QUOTE ]
yeah, I considered having a mission where the Player looks for a 'secrect weapon' to cancel Escalation's advantage, but several factors convinced me otherwise.
1) would have meant mission without the focus on Player vs. Dr. Lashion / Escalation.
2) only 5 misisons to work with, and wanted 5 stages to the villainess. Steady progression from Minion to EB/AV.
3) having the hero go into the final fight in Mission 5 *without* an ace up the sleeve to stop Escalation adds to the heroism of it, which I had the contact comment on in the misison send-off. I wanted the player to have a chance to feel their hero was saying to themself "I don't know how I can stop her, but I have to try anyway."
So, that's why I went that way. I could certainly see wanting to make the hero more active in neutralizing Escalation's "trick", but just beating her final form and sticking in through to the end is pretty pro-active heroism.
[ QUOTE ]
Finally, I think you need a rad/rad version of Dr. Lashion somewhere named "Nuclear Escalation". She can exposition that she got these radiation powers after a respec (err, radiation exposure) in Terra Volta.
[/ QUOTE ]
That's a darn neat idea. Cool name connection. Maybe I can do a sequel someday.... She gets out of the Zig and gets her respec....
I'm a published amateur comic book author: www.ericjohnsoncomics.com
******MA Arcs****
Arc 5909: "Amazon-Avatars"
Arc 6143: "Escalation" (Nominee: Architect Awards, Nominee: Player Awards, and Dev's Choice!)
Facing Chaos review
Premise is that some harbinger of doom is warning heroes of a great disaster that befell his old world and is about to befall ours.
Level range was 41-50. I played a 50 AR/dev blaster.
Mission 1
Briefing: "quite possibly no longer exist" should be "quite possibly no longer exists,".
In the second paragraph, at one point you refer to the contact's enemy as a "force" and later as a "creature"; these are conceptually different to me, as the former is a more abstract concept while the latter is generally some living critter. I suggest you decide whether Chaos is more of a "force" or more of a "creature" and then get rid of the other term.
"I beg for your aide" should be "I beg for your aid".
Second part of briefing: "cults place of worship" should be "cult's place of worship".
The contact wants to send me to investigate a chaos cult, though he is very hesitant about it and is sending mixed signals as to what he really hopes I'll find. Perhaps this is just his personality.
The objective "Find Member of Chaos" seems a little ambiguous; I mean, all of the Cult of Chaos faction here are technically members of Chaos, aren't they? But not all of them will complete this objective.
I'm a little unclear on why a separate Cult of Chaos faction is necessary, when they're described as "like the Circle of Thorns" and consist of mostly Circle of Thorns mages.
Clicking on "Pile of stuff", "There are alot of strange notes", "alot" should be "a lot".
The actual "Note of Chaos" clue is kinda humorous, but seems very different in tone than the story the contact seemed to present (where Chaos was a world destroying entity).
Found a boss named "Riki Tiki Tally". He didn't appear to be a mongoose, so I'm not sure why he is named that. His description is a little puzzling, referring to a predecessor who misspelled a word while speaking; this either is meant to be ironic or doesn't make sense.
Defeating Riki Tiki seemed to be enough to finish the mission. Seemed a little too simple.
Debriefing: "indeed apart" should be "indeed a part".
Contact is claiming these guys are "the Shadow of Chaos", but only Riki had that as his faction; the rest of the mobs were all "Cult of Chaos".
"they are lead by a woman" should be "they are led by a woman".
The contact ends up expositioning a lot about the Shadows of Chaos and the woman that leads them; strange that he does not actually give her name. It's good that this explanation is here; would be nice if some of it showed up in clues in the mission before he has to explain it all to you.
Mission 2
Briefing: "The Longbow are aware if a little untrusting thanks to your efforts." This makes it sound like the Longbow are untrusting because of the player, but I don't think that's what you meant. Reword this.
"I heard angry shouting about their numbers just getting up and walking away".... this sentence doesn't make sense to me. Do you maybe mean "They were shouting among themselves and one got up and walked away"?
"preformed" should be "performed".
It's kind of unclear how "Chaos" is making people just get up and walk away. Maybe it's meant to be mysterious, but the connection seems a little tenuous.
Entrance popup: "walking in an almost in a zombie like shuffle" should be "walking in a zombie-like shuffle".
I found a Longbow hostage and freed him, but strangely this wasn't one of my objectives despite the mission being called "Locate Longbow operatives". Also, I ran into a group of Longbow and they were hostile towards me, so I had to kill them; this doesn't really quite seem right. The contact said "please try to find those people" and "search for those missing people", not kill them; though he did mention "they will fight against you". I'm just not really clear on what good I'm doing here. Shooting them for their own good, I guess?
I found a Chaos Vendor who was selling rocks to some of the mind controlled Longbow. She had some peculiar dialog, some of which was nonsense and some of which was breaking the fourth wall. She gave me the "Crazy Lady?" clue after I rescued her from the Longbow who were attempting to buy her stuff. Not really sure what to make of that.
Fought and killed a bat winged lizard named Firada whose only dialog was in growls. This seemed to complete the "Defeat base commander" objective, though how this animal could've been the base commander is a mystery to me. He DID have an ID card identifying him as the commander; I guess he got transformed somehow?
Debriefing: the contact says "They turned into monsters?" But really I only saw one person who was turned into a monster, which is a slight exaggeration. Maybe this would make more sense if ALL of the Longbow had been transformed into monsters. You could perhaps make a custom group of monsters in Longbow uniforms, which would help explain why you have to fight them.
So far this story arc is very confusing. Perhaps that's intentional, but I'm not sure I "get it".
Mission 3
Briefing: This briefing really didn't make much sense to me. The contact wants me to go assassinate the leader of the Chaos cult. The contact thinks I can't handle it, so he's going to send his younger daughter to help me. But his daughter can't fight and he hopes that she will play possum and escape if there's trouble. How exactly is that supposed to help me? It just doesn't add up.
Inside the mission I find a large number of dancing monsters. That's kind of...weird. It's an interesting assortment of monsters from various factions, which is kind of cool. They are just acting very strangely. Some are making chicken sounds or meowing.
I spent some time looking at the weird monsters, then stealthed to the boss and defeated him, which completed the mission. Never did see the contact's daughter. The reason for why we have all these weird dancing monsters is not explained, either.
Debriefing: the contact now says "one thread down leaving use with two more to deal with." First, "use" should be "us". And what's this about two more threats to deal with? I don't think he ever explained there were exactly 3 things to do. Needs more explanation.
The contact also says Longbow helped him seal the next site we're going after. This seems inconsistent with the earlier mission where we were fighting Longbow and some were transformed into monsters.
Mission 4
Briefing: I think most of the first paragraph should be trimmed out, I don't think it makes sense for the contact to be telling you how much he owes you and how he wishes you were in charge of his old world and stuff, right before he sends you to the final mission. Maybe some of that text would make sense AFTER you finish the final mission and Win.
In the second paragraph the contact says "the only chance we have to end this is to strike at the tainted bodies" ... what tainted bodies? Are you talking about the transformed Longbow here, or the Seed of Chaos monsters, or something else?
I think you need some clues that lead up to this final mission; so far it feels like the contact is just telling me "Now you need to go do this!" and I'm not quite sure I understand why I'm doing it, except for the fact that he told me to do so. It would be nicer if the player could clearly see WHY she is doing each mission.
Inside the mission I find my first objective is to defeat Rip Van Twinkle. I'm not really sure why, I guess she is an evil chaos thing. I found her and beat her, she had very random looking dialog.
After that I had to defeat 2 Guard Beasts. I'm not sure why.
I found a destroyable object named Completely Out of Place Object, which I destroyed. The mobs were very insisted on guarding it for reasons unknown.
After beating up the 2 Guard Beasts, suddenly I have to "Defeat Rip Van Twinkle for good" -- now why is it that I have to defeat her a second time? This needs to be explained.
I notice both the first Rip Van Twinkle and the second Rip Van Twinkle have "This is the true body of Rip Van Twinkle" in their description. Yet they are different characters (the first spawned as a boss, second as an EB for me). How can they both be the true body?
I managed to defeat the EB Rip Van Twinkle after popping a few purples and a break free.
Mission exit popup: defeating Rip Van Twinkle makes all the monsters turn back into humans. Now why is Rip Van Twinkle the key to all this? It needs to be better explained, in clues or dialog or briefings or something. Also, "They were going to need" should be "They are going to need".
Overall
I'm afraid I didn't think the story made very much sense. I did not get a sense that each mission logically led to the next mission; rather, each mission was just a new task the contact assigned me, not particularly related to the previous mission. To make this a better story arc, you need to work on establishing some connection between the various missions, basically the way the plot of your story is meant to flow. As it is now, the missions do not feel connected, except that the contact tells you they are all fighting Chaos in various forms. I also think you want to build up your "big bad guy" throughout the story arc, as fighting her is the climax of the story arc -- as it is now, she's really never introduced until the last mission, and is never particularly developed as a character. It would be better if when the player encounters her, the player thinks something like "Rip totally needs to pay for what happened last mission! She's going down!"
What Chaos actually does was never really well explained. In various situations during this story arc, Chaos apparently destroyed the contact's homeworld, caused people to worship it, mind controlled people into coming to join it, transformed people into monsters, sold funny rocks from a hot dog cart, makes monsters dance, caused NPCs to break the Fourth Wall and ask for a date, and placed unexpected objects in missions. Maybe it's too much to expect Chaos to be consistent, but this felt far too random and I found it very distracting. I'd suggest you pick a couple specific things that you want your Chaos effect to do, and focus on those to the exclusion of the others.
I also found the contact's briefings and debriefings to be a bit meandering, using lots of words to say not very much; I think the text could use some tightening up.
The game play of most missions was a bit on the simple side (basically, zone in, find boss, kill boss, mission complete); you might want to add more or different objectives to mix it up a little. The last mission where you beat Rip, then fight two guards, then beat an upgraded Rip, was better about this from a gameplay standpoint, but your story needed to explain why these steps were necessary.
Anyway, with these various problems in mind, I felt I could only give this story arc 2 stars. Hope you think that is fair!
------
I owe a review to:
GGG247 - 2 of 103955 and 63910
DarthGM - one of 59608 Little Boy Legacy or 103694 Torchbearer
@GlaziusF - Dream Paper 1874
@Steeple - Enter, the Darkened 107230
@Flagrant Fowl - Strange Tale of Silent Witness 114250
@El Condor - Freaks and Geeks 55715
@Ryo Takenoko - 1 of Kidnapping an Idol 136188 or Santa's Workshop of Misfit Toys 134140
@Elisenda - 1 of (A Lame Joke, 22982) (Fine Literature, 136522)
@Stomphoof - Return of the Three Fold King 163274
@Linarra - Coming Unglued 6015
@Grandma Squeak - one of 118970 Curse of the Pharaoh's Tomb, 63131 American Gothic, or 129487 I'm So Confused
@FemFury - Amazon-Avatars 5909
Mecha GM - Operation Pitcher Plant 4370
@Mr Squid - 2 of 123675, 136959, 141011 The Lost Choir (Ch1-3)
in queue:
WynterPhrost
@Canadian Canuk - 99 bottles of Beer 100616
@OverlordIndigo - A Hero is Made, Not Born 20863
Theron - The Construct 91887
@Spry - Saving Grace 124477
You can make me owe you a review if you run through and review one of:
Axis and Allies (1379)
Celebrity Kidnapping (1388)
Teen Phalanx Forever! (67335)
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
Here's my review of Axis and Allies... written as I played it.
As I'm writing this, I'm playing through your Axis and Allies arc...
I'm playing with a Rad/Rad Corrupter on the easiest difficulty.
Mission 1: Assasinate the Fuhrer
First of all it's always interesting to see this take, killing Hitler not to avoid the Second World War but to make the Nazi party stronger in his absence. It's interesting that you've gone ahead and let him establish his regime, and have him cut down so someone else can make wise choices (like not breaking the non-aggression pact with Russia until the Pacific War is over maybe?) Showing that the contact believes in Hitler's ideals but still regards him as a stupid painter who caused the Nazi's defeat.
HEH! Dolf Schicklegruber you used his mother's surname... his original last name, nice.
Okay unfortunately the Fraulein who I rescued died way before I got to Hitler, and he killed me many many times. But then I stocked up on insps and came back (It was fun though... just very tough for my build on it's current low level).
Okay so now I'm the Fuhrer and it's off to Dunkirk to stop those who oppose the master race. By the way any mention of the Maginot line always makes me laugh... the Maginot line proving how useless fixed fortifications are since the 1940s.
Okay gotta take out Gort and Weygand on an outdoor map, so out comes my custom targeting Macro...
Oh there's something terribly funny about Gort's
Lord Gort: Blimey! It's the bloody Fuhrer
He says this line staring up at a flying demoness who's raining death down upon his head from above.
And now off to St. Petersburg, I mean Leningrad I mean Stalingrad...
the Map doesn't work as well as the last one... I mean ruined skyscrapers, super hero statues and monorail tracks? oh well...
So I decide my first act will be to rescue my loyal general, hopefully he will give me some back up agains these nasty masterminds that keep killing me...
So I find Paulus and see two of my 5th Column soldiers who've won their fight nearby and decide to use them as meat shields...
too bad you couldn't make the commissars shoot some of their own troops, would have made me feel better...
So I totally forgot up till this point that I was on a toon that had a healing aura (so used to my scrapper) would have been a good thin when I was with the Fraulein in the first episode... but I manage to keep my man Paulus alive while we look for the other two generals which proves to take a while.
ah no, a commissar blindsides me while I'm chasing some fleeing Russian troops and kills Paulus... come on, commissar kill the fleeing Russian troops that's your job.
So I find the first general, and I'm so tired of Master Minds at this point...
Anyway two dead Generals later, yay I've won the war on both fronts... what's next?
Oh nice an invasion of the US! Wall of Blue text as several allies go off?
Well I was about to capture the President when I map served and I should have been asleep hours ago, so we'll have to leave off here for the moment and finish reviewing the arc tomorrow, I can say that (despite the fact that all the master minds really ticked me off, though I understand thematically why they fit...) I will give it 5 stars for awesome attention to historical detail.
Though in my version of the story after this last mission... my demon character will eat all the Columnists souls and thank them for messing up their Hatread and evil. No victory for the Nazis in my playtime.
Dunno if I can make you owe me another one for reviewing your arc (since you already did one in exchange for me playing either the Teeny bopper one or the Kidnapping one not sure which both were awesome)... But I did enjoy your insights into my first Oz arc, so I'd like you to look at the quasi-sequal.
Arc Name: The Invasion of the Land of Oz
Arc ID: 168841
Faction: Praetorians/Custom Group
Creator Global/Forum Name: @Sakura-Kishi
Difficulty Level: 3-4 out of 5 *each mission has at least one AV Mission 4 has 3. Missions 2 and 4 each have two Helper NPCs
Level: 50-54
Synopsis: Ozma from the magical Land of Oz has come seeking help, there was a recent attempt to kidnap Princess Dorothy(in my Last Story Arc that needs updating) and now she is trying to learn what that plot was a smoke screen for... This adventure will take you into the events of the second Oz book via time travel and pit you against Several Praetorian AVs and a couple new faces as you have to stop Tyrant's total conquest of Oz.
Estimated Time to Play: 1-2 hours
Last Note: This mission was designed for me to roleplay on Virtue but is written for everyone to enjoy.
Either way I'll finish my review tomorrow.
[ QUOTE ]
too bad you couldn't make the commissars shoot some of their own troops, would have made me feel better...
ah no, a commissar blindsides me while I'm chasing some fleeing Russian troops and kills Paulus... come on, commissar kill the fleeing Russian troops that's your job.
[/ QUOTE ]
Ohh, I so wish I could make the political commissars kill the other Russian troops when they run away. I don't know of a good way to do this though; I could flag the commissars as "Rogue" but then all the other Russians would probably kill them, which wouldn't be quite what I want.
[ QUOTE ]
So I find the first general, and I'm so tired of Master Minds at this point...
all the master minds really ticked me off, though I understand thematically why they fit...
[/ QUOTE ]
Thinking about it, I probably do have too many mastermind mobs. I may scale that back a little bit; maybe change all mastermind lieutenants to just use a normal assault rifle or something. Then reserve mastermind sets only for bosses, which makes more sense anyway. I kinda want the commissar to have pistols, which doesn't seem possible unless he's a thugs MM, but I may have to sacrifice that.
Thanks for the feedback! Will look into making some changes.
Good luck on Invading America.
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
Odd, I could have sworn I posted in this one. Anyway, I'd like some thoughts on my MA. The information is in my sig. Thanks!
My Arcs: A Spider on the Column (117024)--updated/fixed bugs/small story modifications
Hub (87439)--updated/fixed
[ QUOTE ]
Ohh, I so wish I could make the political commissars kill the other Russian troops when they run away. I don't know of a good way to do this though; I could flag the commissars as "Rogue" but then all the other Russians would probably kill them, which wouldn't be quite what I want.
[/ QUOTE ]
Yeah unless there's an actual WWII MMO (or a Warhammer 40K MMO) I don't ever see this happening.
Anyway final mission...
found Schadenfrued... The frauline I like her she's a really cool character. I also like how you made a custom group with a real group name for her (I do the same thing in my second Oz arc)... anyway after taking down MacArthur (oh no Japanese culture will never be the same!) I only have her and one of my Panzer Generals left hopefully that will be enough to keep me ahead for the hero fight.
Schadenfrued isn't playing follow Die Furor very well, even the privates seem pretty tough on mass...
Kinda expected something more out of Truman then "statesman where are you?" I mean I just captured the President of the United States... I was expecting some cool clue off of him.
get back to the start of the map where Maiden Justice spawned... snipe some privates near her that could get involved in the battle. (I really have fun using the trees for cover sniping and ducking behind till they get close enough for Shaudenfrued and the panzer General to finish off)...
Almost kill her but forgot to use my radiation toggles and she finnishes off the three of us... (been so long since I played as a corroptur)... just couldn't beat her on my own at level 19 a Rad/Rad just couldn't handle it.... so got some PUGs and took down her and Patton...
Forgot to send you a tell to prove that I did it... but I don't think you doubt me.
Anyway looking forward to hearing what you think of my second arc.
I just played Axis and Allies with my little-used (but highest-ranking Villain) 10th lvl SS/Inv Brute, Miss Amerikommando. As the Praetorian counterpart to that goody-goody 50th level Inv/SS Tanker Miss Americommando, she enjoyed the premise....
Anyways, I liked it, but I don't think the arc scales down very well for a low-level solo Brute (or, possibly, my character sucks at this level or I just suck playing her.) The Mastermind powersets are particularly overpowering for low-level opponents, I think. The various knockdown/back effects were hard to deal with too.
I made it through the first 3 missions OK (two defeats along the way), but was totally clobbered by the Heroine in the 4th mission. She basically chain-stunned me into oblivion, and even if she hadn't, I wasn't really laying a finger on her.
I don't know if this is really a *problem* per se, as I think an awful lot of custom groups don't scale down well, but perhaps it should be labeled "difficult at low levels" or somesuch.
I liked the look and feel of the arc, though. Any time you can punch out Mr. Hilter, that's a good thing. Nice uniform choices and some clever power additions (I was amused to fight "General Winter" so to speak.)
Potential quibble: Going by the alt-history premise, it would be unlikely that there would be a Battle of Stalingrad like the real-life one. Certainly there would be a decisive battle of some sort, though. I might either change things around a little or have the mission text "hang a lampshade" on it - something like "How strange that even with all the changes in history, there would still be a decisive battle at Stalingrad!"
The Stalingrad map is a bit on the large side, a bit annoying.
For the "big battle" missions, I'd recommend adding a liberal number of Patrols to both sides. I've found that this greatly adds to the "chaotic battle going on" feel of things, and adds some tactical spice (getting surprised by hostiles, leading enemies toward friendly patrols, etc.)
I played around with a lot of similar stuff in my 1941-set arc here:
Arc Name: Ashley Porter and the Gorilla War
Arc ID: 130809
Faction: Uzbek Lowland Gorillas, Abwehr Section 2, the Blackhorse Squadron, and the Red Army! Plus a mystery villain!
Creator Global/Forum Name: suedenim
Level Range: Intended for any
Suitable for Heroes and/or Villain types who still don't like National Socialists.
Soloable?: Should be. There's an EB in the final mission.
Length: 4 missions, none especially long.
Difficulty Level: Easy to Moderate. If you're clever, you can get various warring factions to fight each other and make your job easier. Last mission intended to be challenging, but not ludicrously so.
Synopsis:
An adaptation of the classic 1938 film Ashley Porter and the Gorilla War (see also: Ashley Porter Diamond Anniversary Special.)
Ashley Porter, the famed Western heroine, has stabled her trusty black mare, Shadow, for the duration of the war, as she leads an all-girl aviation commando team, the Blackhorse Squadron. And "Lady Blackhorse" needs your help, because the Uzbek Lowland Gorillas are revolting!
(No, no, not like the fellas in the Spanish Civil War. The big primates.)
All-out military action in the classic Ashley Porter style, featuring the Blackhorse Squadron, the sinister Germans of Abwehr Section 2, the Red Army, and Uzbek Gorilla Partisans!
The Roots of Domestic Terror (arc 103955)
The arc description is that it's an episode of "24" except no hero saves the day, and warns that extreme villainy and murder is involved.
I played on a 33 MA/ninj stalker.
The contact seems to be some sort of demonic creature, but identifies himself as a plant elemental.
Mission 1
Briefing: Pretty good briefing, well written. The contact wants me to extract some mad bomber who is about to go on trial, and find out where his stash of bombs is hidden (presumably so we can do something bad with them). Although ... who is this Nature Kilz plant guy and why is he so interested in bombs? I think he needs to spend at least a little time introducing himself and explaining his angle.
Inside the mission I find it's a breakout from the Zig. The courtyard is filled with "Gregg's Guerillas", a custom faction of mercenaries doing security. I have to say that their varied uniforms (I saw a soldier, sailor, and a pilot) made me instantly think of the Village People.... I totally thought they were going to break into a rendition of "In the Navy" or "YMCA". This might not be the reaction you were hoping for. I kind of think the group should have more of a common uniform, maybe all the same color at least. And why are there pilots being sent to do guard duty in a prison? That doesn't make a lot of sense. Maybe all the non-army guys should be left out of this guard detail?
Thinking about it, I'm not sure it makes sense to have mercenaries guarding the prison; unless this isn't actually the Zig, but is meant to be some kind of secret prison in a foreign country. If it IS the Zig, having police or Longbow present would make more sense. Also, maybe there should be other prisoners present too?
Shortly after I wrote that comment, the Guerillas actually DID break out into song, which made me pause in startlement. It was a Manfred Mann song, though. This tone seems somewhat at odds with the "extreme villainy" and "you WILL commit murders" of the arc description.
Found the hostage and broke him out of jail. But I think if you are actually torturing him to death (according to the story I got from the clue), I think it would make more sense if he were simply an enemy in mission 1 and you kill him right then and there; you can still get the clue from him, just on his death rather than on his release, and you'd give the player more of a sense that she killed that guy.
Mission 2
Briefing: not a bad briefing, though he talks about "Law enforcement is on high alert now that they've lost their prisoner"; kind of a continuity error if Gregg's Guerillas were guarding the prisoner, since they're clearly not "law enforcement".
The mission title, "Kill All International Diplomats" makes this mission sound like a Defeat All, which I don't think it is. Maybe it should be called "Bomb the Negotiations" or something like that.
I understand the "6 Bombs to Place" objective, but why "3 Paintings to Steal"? The contact only asked for the place to be bombed. If the stolen paintings are for personal profit, maybe they should be made optional objectives that the player can decide to take, or not.
More Gregg's Guerillas here; I don't actually think they logically make sense as guards for international diplomats, but maybe they are meant to be like GI Joe or something.
Searched this whole mission; I didn't actually see any International diplomats in the building. Maybe there should be.
Debriefing: The contact is yelling at me because the building wasn't fully destroyed. I did everything that was asked for, so there was no way to do better. So basically the story has scripted that the player must fail here, which is seems rather unfair.
Mission 3
Briefing: OK, so now the contact wants me to go back to the exploded building and kill all the survivors and drag out some people to be executed on TV. Seems pretty bloodthirsty, which is okay; but also kind of implausible, since if a US/Russian negotiation were really attacked like this, the place should be crawling with police, FBI, etc. after the bombing. As a result, returning to the scene of the crime seems extremely dumb.
The objectives, "Grab Diplomat #1" "Grab Diplomat #2" "Grab Diplomat #3" should probably be aggregated into "3 Diplomats to execute" or something similar.
The "Dogface" lieutenant seemed extremely hard for his level; my attacks barely hurt him, but most of his attacks could hit me (despite my defense) and hit pretty hard.
The desperate pleading of the various diplomats asking you not to kill them was pretty well written.
Diplomat #1's clue after you execute her is pretty good, but the clues for executing Diplomat #2 and Diplomat #3 are kind of silly; "Your fame increases by 25" and "infamy will make you B.M.O.C" don't fit the tone of this story arc and seem distracting.
I'm a little surprised that there aren't ambushes of Guerillas, police or Longbow as a result of my executing the diplomats; I think if someone really did a crime like this, you might get away with killing one of them, but then there'd be police snipers everywhere trying to take you out.
Although the contact said to "kill all survivors", it wasn't actually a defeat all mission. I don't think you want to MAKE it a defeat all mission though, just fix the briefing to clarify what's required.
Overall
The arc has an interesting premise, but has difficulty maintaining a serious and uberviolent tone. There's nothing wrong with comedy, but I don't think it mixes well with the dark nature of the terrorism and murder that your arc portrays. Although some of the dark bits were pretty well written, the uneven tone kept me from really being immersed in the plot.
I found the use of Gregg's Guerillas for security at both the jail and at the diplomatic summit a little hard to believe; I think you need either more exposition explaining why a mercenary group was hired for security at both these places, or else maybe to replace them with more standard law enforcement. The presence of pilots and sailors in the Guerillas was also very distracting; it didn't feel like it made sense for them to be there.
I really didn't like the contact berating me after mission 2 even though I succeeded at everything that was requested. I don't really think most players will like getting yelled at by their contact for (essentially) no reason. Consider rephrasing it so that the contact is happy that the building is blown up, but he'd just like you to do a little mop-up....
I rated this 3 stars.
------
I owe a review to:
GGG247 - Why Do Bad Girls Like Bad Boys? 63910
DarthGM - one of 59608 Little Boy Legacy or 103694 Torchbearer
@GlaziusF - Dream Paper 1874
@Steeple - Enter, the Darkened 107230
@Flagrant Fowl - Strange Tale of Silent Witness 114250
@El Condor - Freaks and Geeks 55715
@Ryo Takenoko - 1 of Kidnapping an Idol 136188 or Santa's Workshop of Misfit Toys 134140
@Elisenda - 1 of (A Lame Joke, 22982) (Fine Literature, 136522)
@Stomphoof - Return of the Three Fold King 163274
@Linarra - Coming Unglued 6015
@Grandma Squeak - one of 118970 Curse of the Pharaoh's Tomb, 63131 American Gothic, or 129487 I'm So Confused
@FemFury - Amazon-Avatars 5909
Mecha GM - Operation Pitcher Plant 4370
@Mr Squid - 2 of 123675, 136959, 141011 The Lost Choir (Ch1-3)
@Sakura-Kishi - Invasion of the Land of Oz 168841
suedenim - Ashley Porter and the Gorilla War 130809
in queue:
WynterPhrost
@Canadian Canuk - 99 bottles of Beer 100616
@OverlordIndigo - A Hero is Made, Not Born 20863
Theron - The Construct 91887
@Spry - Saving Grace 124477
You can make me owe you a review if you run through and review one of:
Axis and Allies (1379)
Celebrity Kidnapping (1388)
Teen Phalanx Forever! (67335)
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
Ooooo I am getting CLOSER! :O
Thanks a ton to Sakura Kishi for her detailed review of Axis and Allies; here's some changes I made last night:
[ QUOTE ]
So I find the first general, and I'm so tired of Master Minds at this point...
....all the master minds really ticked me off, though I understand thematically why they fit
[/ QUOTE ]
* French lieutenant changed from Mercenaries primary to Assault Rifle primary.
* Soviet commissar changed from Thugs primary to Assault Rifle primary.
[ QUOTE ]
Kinda expected something more out of Truman then "statesman where are you?" I mean I just captured the President of the United States... I was expecting some cool clue off of him.
[/ QUOTE ]
* Added clue to mission 4 which you receive when you capture President Truman. The clue contains the radio address you force the President to issue after you capture him; shamelessly stolen from the speech in Superman II where the President surrenders to General Zod. (To address player feedback saying "capturing the President needs to be more cool")
I also found that you can use $name substitution in clue names, which is awesome. I ran a test run with my 33 MA/ninj stalker, Spy Girl, and I have to admit I totally giggled when I got the clue for capturing the President: "Kneel before Spy Girl!"
[ QUOTE ]
get back to the start of the map where Maiden Justice spawned... snipe some privates near her that could get involved in the battle. (I really have fun using the trees for cover sniping and ducking behind till they get close enough for Shaudenfrued and the panzer General to finish off)...
Almost kill her but forgot to use my radiation toggles and she finnishes off the three of us... (been so long since I played as a corroptur)... just couldn't beat her on my own at level 19 a Rad/Rad just couldn't handle it....
[/ QUOTE ]
19 is admittedly a little low to be fighting Maiden Justice, but I'm afraid I can't take responsibility for your choosing not to use the radiation toggles.
Made a bunch more changes to generally polish up the story arc too. Thanks a ton for your feedback!
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
PoliceWoman, thanks for your review of my arc "The Roots of Domestic Terror". You raised some very good points that I hadn't considered.
In Mission 1, the "prison" is actually supposed to be agovernmental "holding base" like Guantanamo, which is why a paramilitary group like Gregg's Guerillas (or Blackwater) is in charge of security there. I'll make that more clear in the write-up. I think I'll also take your suggestion to kill the terrorist on-screen rather than off. I wasn't sure if I could kill a "rescued" person in a mission.
Gregg's Guerillas is actually based on GI Joe (as you noted) and I wanted all branches of the service represented here. Their costumes are a little colorful, but I ended up liking this look better than an a standard uniform look. I thought it would differentiate the enemies a little. The Manfred Mann song ("There she was, just awalking down the street") I added as my one and only joke in the arc, as a tip-of-the-hat to "Stripes". How can you do a military arc without thinking of Stripes?
In Mission 2, I need to change the write up to show that "law enforcement" didn't lose the prisoner, and change the mission title so you don't think it's a Defeat All. I had the Steal Paintings thing because, if you're a villain about to blow up a building, wouldn't you ransack the place for any valuables as you're doing it? Plus it added a lilttle variety to the mission, I thought.
I actually like the fact that, although you accomplish the mission of planting the bombs, you still get yelled at from the contact because the building wasn't completely destroyed. I hate the idea that every contact gives you kisses and rainbows as "positive reinforcement" for doing something. This guy's an evil monster. Why would he congratulate you every time? I've had bosses in real life who respond like this when a project doesn't go right, even when "my part" of the task was done 100%.
Mission 3 is where things turn ugly. I agree that I should keep the tone evil for all 3 diplomat deaths. I seemed to be trying to "lighten" the mood, even when I didn't want to! I also like the idea of having a couple of ambushes, maybe by Longbow, once the killing starts. At that point, the authorities would naturally take over from any quasi-military group.
Thanks again for all your helpful feedback. I'll definitely make some changes and get it back out there for people to play!
Please try my arcs:
Arc# 63910 "Why Do Bad Girls Like Bad Boys?" (length=Long, levels 40+)
Arc# 401500 "How to Be a Successful Professional Criminal" (length=Very Long, levels 1-10)
Celebrity Kidnapping
Arc ID: 1388
I ran Celebrity Kidnapping the night before last and really enjoyed it. The overall idea was simple and typically villainous. The central character was familliar enough to associate a style and personality to it without actually being a "real character".
In the first mission, I didn't fight my way in but fought it out with the "prisonner" at my side instead. That made it lots a little easy but it was fun. I like how you had prisonners still fighting the guards when I came out (not sure if that was on purpose but if so, that was well done).
The second had a nice premise, but it was the most "ordinary" mission to me. Nothing really wrong with it but it didn't stand out either.
The third is my kind of mission. With villains double crossing villains being double crossed ... that is just funny to me. The bosses were fun and there were a nice amount of them. I was on difficulty lvl 3 so I'm not sure how many were meant by you and how many were just from normal spawning, but it was a nice balance. The fact I can't tell them appart is actually to your credit. The cops that appear upon freeing "the celebrity" kinda spawned on top of me but as a scrapper that wasn't really a problem.
Anyhoo, I had fun.
If you are up to reviewing one of my Arc, you can look up @Thornster both should show up. My 2nd one "The Heart of Artemis" (Arc# 162423) might be more in need of some stern reviewing but I would appreciate opinions on either. [The info for the first one is in my sig]
Thank you for your time and for the fun.
Char Site | My DeviantArt
Global=@Thornster
More on the Roots of Domestic Terror
[ QUOTE ]
In Mission 1, the "prison" is actually supposed to be agovernmental "holding base" like Guantanamo, which is why a paramilitary group like Gregg's Guerillas (or Blackwater) is in charge of security there. I'll make that more clear in the write-up.
[/ QUOTE ]
Okay, that would make a ton more sense; I thought I was literally breaking someone out of the Zig. If you make it more clear that you're breaking into Abu Ghraib or someplace awful like that, it would work a lot better I think. Might want to add a few more wild eyed terrorist prisoners in the other cells (that aren't important to the plot) for versimilitude.
[ QUOTE ]
I think I'll also take your suggestion to kill the terrorist on-screen rather than off. I wasn't sure if I could kill a "rescued" person in a mission.
[/ QUOTE ]
A way to do this is to make the terrorist a "boss" but give him a "captured" animation and his surrounding group would be Gregg's Guerillas in a "guarding" animation. Then trigger a clue off the death of the "boss".
[ QUOTE ]
Gregg's Guerillas is actually based on GI Joe (as you noted) and I wanted all branches of the service represented here. Their costumes are a little colorful, but I ended up liking this look better than an a standard uniform look. I thought it would differentiate the enemies a little.
[/ QUOTE ]
That's fair. You might consider giving all your guerillas "special forces" type uniforms though. For example, have the Swabby in a Navy SEAL uniform instead of the sailor suit he's currently in; give the Air Force guys flight gear and goggles or LRRP commando uniforms, instead of dress uniforms. Or take a look at images of Blackwater mercenaries. It's up to you, of course, and by all means stick to your vision; but I think more operations-oriented costumes would better support the terrorist theme that your story arc is going for.
[ QUOTE ]
Mission 3 is where things turn ugly. I agree that I should keep the tone evil for all 3 diplomat deaths. I seemed to be trying to "lighten" the mood, even when I didn't want to!
[/ QUOTE ]
Yeah, I think you need to decide on the "tone" of your story arc, then stick with it. Your intent seems to be for your story to be very grim and gritty, so go with that as much as possible. Any jokes you want to insert should be very black humor, highly cynical and/or based on schadenfreude.
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
A very fun mission, one of my favourites so far in Mission Architect
[u]Mission Architect Text[u]
You wrote:
"...and they've extended an invitation to a teen version of your hero to try out! Do you have what it takes to be on Paragon City's premier teen superhero team?"
"To try out" at the end of the first sentence is awkward. Perhaps re-cast the sentence to read "...they've offered a try-out to the teen side-kick of your hero."
"...premier teen superhero team" is muddy due to the proximity of "teen" and "team". Any number of synonyms for team or teen might be better, as would re-arranging the syntax: "Paragon's premier organization for young superheroes", "premier outfit for teen superheroes", "premier team for young superheroes", "premier group for teenaged superheroes"...
First Mission
[u]Coyote introduction text:[u]
I suggest changing the first sentence to "...You know, I met your mentor[,] $name[,] once when she fought the plague in Outbreak! Let me tell you, even during that first mission, I could tell she had phenomenal potential."
the name of the hero should be set off by commas.
"fought" gets rid of one to be verb, which generally strengthens any piece of writing.
"the Outbreak plague" (as you now have it) sounds odd. Many people, perhaps, don't think of Outbreak as the name of the plague, but rather as the place one begins CoH.
Again, I suggest re-wording the second sentence to avoid forms of to be.
The next sentence is overly-long as currently constructed, and Coyote should explain that it's good he is hands-off, and he's not just giving kids whatever they want. Perhaps something like:
"...You're here about Teen Phalanx, right? Statesman put me in charge of keeping those kids in line; you knowproviding some adult supervision. For the most part, though, I try not to intervene unless it's absolutely necessary; the kids prefer it that way and, frankly, they learn more if I don't babysit them.
You wrote:
"Now, normally I'd have you run through our danger room simulation, but since the Teen Phalanx is on a mission right now to bring in Dr. Vahzilok, I'm going to send you out to join the team in the field, and we'll see how you do."
Too many prepositions and other short words in this over-long sentence. I'd suggest breaking in to two sentences, and strengthening them; perhaps something like:
"Normally, you'd run through our danger-room simulation. In this case, though, I'm sending you straight into the field. Teen Phalanx is currently running Dr. Vahzilok to ground, and you can show me what you've got while helping them."
Why are we trying to bring in the Doctor?
"Are you game?"
Change to the more informal "You game?" since Coyote is presenting a friendly face.
Perhaps insert a fiction that your mentor is out of town, or otherwise unavailable, leaving your teen self at loose ends for a while. This makes the final wrap-up tidier.
[u]Acceptance text:[u]
You wrote:
"I knew you had it in you, Kid $name! Your mentor would be proud."
"Your mentor" is stilted. Consider re-casting to "I knew you had it in you, kid! $name would be proud."
You wrote:
"...be sure that you can handle that. But if you stick with the team and work together..."
delete the first "that" for better flow.
The "But" makes no sense in this context. Delete it.
You wrote:
"...a tactical retreat can help a lot."
Maybe "...a tactical retreat can save your butt." or something equally colloquial.
You wrote:
"This'll be a good chance for you to meet the team, too. They're all good kids..."
repeating "good" in successive sentences can be improved by replacing one of them. Play with replacing the first "good" with words such as fine, great, prime, excellent, nice...
You wrote:
"Don't let anything Manticora says bother you, though...."
Introduce this as an after-thought: "Oh, by the way, don't let..." and delete "though"
[u]In Mission 1[u]
How did Vaz get behind the team? Have they not been clearing as they moved forward?
Why is the team split up? There are suggestions, but unclear ones. If Manticora ditched the team, as her speech implies, why was she nearest the exit? Shouldn't she be farthest in? Even if she did, why aren't the others still together?
[u]Description of Manticora[u]
Bad is used twice in the first sentence; change the second occurence, or perhaps just delete it. Moreover, an appositive phrase is a strong way to introduce her: "The bad girl of Teen Phalanx, Cora is full of attitude and sarcasm..."
When I lost her, she said "looks like she will never make the team". She should speak in contractions: "...she'll never make the team..."
[u]Description of Kid Valkyrie[u]
Again an appositive phrase, especially since she is set in contrast to Manticora. "The good-girl of Teen Phalanx, Val's constant cheerfulness and positive attitude encourages her fellow heroes. This daughter of Valkyrie wears a suit of power armor designed by Positron himself."
[u]Description of Back Alley Boy[u]
Perhaps something similar to:
"Abandoned as an infant in a Galaxy City alley, and soon found by Michael White, this young hero grew under the watchful eye of his rescuer. Modeling both his training and his name on his mentor, Back Alley Boy has become the tough guy of Teen Phalanx.
Second Mission
Why doesn't Teen Phalanx ever stay together? Really, this is something Coyote should explain, perhaps mentioning that lack of co-operation is their major failing as a team.
[u]Description of Citadel XP[u]
"Citadel XP is the brains of the Teen Phalanx, a superintelligent android created from next generation technology derived from a combination of Citadel's hardware and Luminary's software."
Once again, an appositve phrase would work well, as would avoiding the to be verb and the doubling of the word "from". Perhaps something more along the lines of "Crafted from Citadel's hardware and Luminary's software, the super-intelligent android Citadel XP serves as the brains of Teen Phalanx."
[u]Clue[u]
"It's a compact communications device[comma] proving [delete THAT] you're a full member of Teen Phalanx."
Third Mission
[u]Coyote's intro text:[u]
You wrote:
"With Cora taking a break from the team, the other team members are all having to pitch in to cover her shifts on monitor duty."
Delete the second "team".
You wrote:
"I want to spread the shifts around so no one gets too burned out on it."
Too many small words and prepositions. Perhaps "I'm spreading the work around so no one gets stuck with it for too long."
By this point he should have some idea where Manticora is or what she's doing. Offer some indication that he's checked on her after she fled the last mission. He should know long before the next mission; otherwise he seems a failure as a team mentor.
[u]Acceptance text"[u]
You wrote:
"...I knew I could count on you..." and "...Things seem mostly quiet right now, although Sister Psyche did warn us that she thought the Freakshow gang might be up to something. I know it's a long shift, so help yourself to anything in the fridge that you want."
I suggest instead:
"...I knew we could count on you..." and "Things seem pretty quiet right now, but Sister Psyche warned us the Freakshow might be cooking something up. By the way, I know it's along shift, so help yourself to anything in the fridge."
Fourth Mission
[u]Citadel XP's clue[u]
"After I was captured by rogue robots, they took me to their leader[a twisted android hybrid] of Citadel's electronics and Council technology. This fusion left his programming completely insane. He now calls himself Citadel Vista[comma] and he is determined to destroy Teen Phalanx."
[Do robots have sanity? Can they be insane? Perhaps a better word than "insane" might be found]
[u]Final De-Briefing[u]
You wrote:
"Now, I know your mentor is asking for more of your time now. Everyone is sorry to see you go (yes, even Cora), but we'll understand if you need to spend more time helping $name with her missions."
Delete "Now"
"I know $name is asking..." instead of "your mentor"
Perhaps change the sentence to "I know $name is back now, and needs you with her. Everyone is sorry to see you goeven Cora. We understand you need to spend time with $name; she is your mentor."
[u]Souvenir[u]
I suggest minor textual changes below
This compact communications device has fond memories for you; it reminds you of your time in Paragon City's premier teen super-group,
Teen Phalanx!
It all started when Coyote invited you to try out for the team. Instead of going through the standard danger-room exercise, Coyote sent you directly to help the team fight zombies in the sewers beneath Paragon. After you helped defeat the notorious Dr. Vahzilok, the team voted you in as a full member.
Over time, you got to know your new teammates: Kid Valkyrie, Manticora, Back Alley Boy, and Citadel XP. Val took to you right away, but Cora never had a kind word for you. You and Teen Phalanx had many adventures together, including rescuing Penelope Yin and taking down the Clockwork King. You were all a little surprised when Cora took a break from the team, but Val confided that she thought Cora was taking some time off to make up with Statesboy.
While taking a shift on monitor duty, you were there when a huge group of Freakshow attacked the Teen Phalanx base. After the team defeated the Freaks, their leader, Clamor, confessed they'd been hired to go after the team. This, combined with word that Cora had never met up with Statesboy, and XP had been kidnapped by Council robots, made it clear that a mysterious arch-enemy was gunning for Teen Phalanx.
Following a lead pointing to an abandoned Council base, you, Kid Valkyrie, and Back Alley Boy fought your way through hordes of rogue robots to rescue Citadel XP and Manticora, and confronted the mysterious arch-enemya hybrid Council/Citadel android calling himself Citadel Vista who was determined to prove his superiority over Citadel XP. Teen Phalanx took down Citadel Vista, and you were gratified when Cora finally accepted you as a real hero.
Soon after that, duties with your mentor kept you from maintaining an active status on the team, but they asked you to keep this communicator and to remain a reserve member of.... Teen Phalanx Forever!
[[Played with level 33 mastermind]]
Why Do Bad Girls Like Bad Boys? review (arc 63910)
The premise is that you are helping a financial guru and master criminal with his girl problems. It's labeled as heroic, but not quite sure why, if you're helping a criminal. Levels seem to be 50, 47, 45, 50. I played a 50 AR/dev blaster.
Love the contact's costume. Looks perfect for a Latin lover, which I assume his name is a reference to.
Mission 1
Briefing: OK, so he wants me to steal a diamond from his ex-girlfriend. LOL, this should totally be a red side arc, or at least neutral. "re-aquire" should be "reacquire". Very fun briefing which helps establish the character of the contact.
I think "Broken Hearted" maybe should be "Brokenhearted", but not absolutely sure.
I found Mistress Stella. I love her dialog! Rescuing the innocent bystanders was fun, too, and I liked the battle dialogs. I never did see Carnie Helen, thoguh.
Exit popup helps clear up slightly why a hero would want to do this, but it still seems borderline.
Good debriefing.
Mission 2
Briefing seems well written and fun. Second part of the briefing, "I LOVE it! heh heh I'll join you there directly" should be "I LOVE it! Heh heh. I'll join you there directly."
Criminal documents clue: "The District Attorney will love to get" should be "The District Attorney would love to get". Or perhaps "will love getting".
I found Carnie Helen standing on a crate holding an assault rifle, which is kinda weird for a Carnie. Apparently, "Apologize to Carnie Helen" involves beating her up, which is kinda funny; but maybe needs to be better explained, since these don't seem consistent.
Carnie Helen's middle management-speak dialog seems pretty out of character for a Carnie; I don't think they really have a "Carnie C.E.O." or "Carnie management". Would make more sense for a female Crey agent or something though. I do like how all the women utterly trash talk Latin Lava though; he seems like he deserves it.
I rescued Latin Lava, and he was an elite boss ally (my difficulty was on heroic). This seems rather overpowered as helpers go.
Hilarious debriefing though.
Mission 3
Briefing: Fun story, but this mission appears to be just to go to a bar and drink some beer with the contact? I guess we'll see what really happens.
The mission title, "Save Latin Lava from Scorned Females" is pretty funny.
Inside the mission, it's not a bar at all! It's another outdoor map. That seems a little bait-and-switch, but the premise seems interesting.
I rescued Latin Lava from some KoA, but ironically even after I defeated the KoA, the caltrops they dropped kept him prisoner for a couple minutes before they faded.
Latin Lava is again an EB, which seems awfully powerful for an ally. I could probably just drag him around and have him defeat everything without my firing a shot.
Helen is still talking corporate speak, LOL ... I guess that's just her personality.
Mission 4
Briefing: "giving you exactly what you deserve" certainly sounds ominous. But then based on his modus operandi so far, what is he going to do, dump another ex-girlfriend on me? His final "hahaha" shold perhaps be capitalized and have a period at the end. And what happened to building a case against Latin Lava?
"Get What's Coming To You" as a mission title definitely sounds ominous, LOL!
Mission entrance popup: says I have "enough evidence to arrest Latin Lava for multiple crimes." When did this happen? Was it all in the "now to build a case against Latin Lava"? I think it would help if I had gotten more clues along the way to make an ironclad case against him. As it is, the "Criminal Documents" clue I have only implicates the Carnies.
Mission objective: "Defeat Carnie Helga" seems new. Helga hasn't been introduced yet, not sure what my motivation should be for defeating her? Based on the events so far, my real objective should be to arrest Latin Lava, no?
Found Carnie Helga kneeling behind a counter holding an assault rifle, which seems a very weird animation for a Master Illusionist.
Haha, love Helga's dialog. Looks like Latin Lava wasted no time finding a new True Love.
Latin Lava's background info is terrific, too. I'm kinda relieved that he's only a boss now instead of an EB as before. In his dialog, "I must silence anyone who has seen me at the most embarrassing point. of my life" needs to move the period from after point to after life.
Not a bad debriefing. No souvenir though? Consider adding one.
Overall
Well written and fun. Really liked the characterization of Latin Lava and Stella, their personality really shone through. I thought it was weird that Helen was so into managementspeak, being a Carnie, but at least she was consistent about it.
I think maybe you need to explain the hero's motivation for helping Latin Lava a little earlier (it didn't make a lot of sense until after the first or second mission), and I would've liked to get another clue or two as part of "building the case" against Latin Lava.
Nevertheless, it was fun, had a neat story concept, and had good writing and characterization. I gave it 5 stars.
------
I owe a review to:
DarthGM - one of 59608 Little Boy Legacy or 103694 Torchbearer
@GlaziusF - Dream Paper 1874
@Steeple - Enter, the Darkened 107230
@Flagrant Fowl - Strange Tale of Silent Witness 114250
@El Condor - Freaks and Geeks 55715
@Ryo Takenoko - 1 of Kidnapping an Idol 136188 or Santa's Workshop of Misfit Toys 134140
@Elisenda - 1 of (A Lame Joke, 22982) (Fine Literature, 136522)
@Stomphoof - Return of the Three Fold King 163274
@Linarra - Coming Unglued 6015
@Grandma Squeak - one of 118970 Curse of the Pharaoh's Tomb, 63131 American Gothic, or 129487 I'm So Confused
@FemFury - Amazon-Avatars 5909
Mecha GM - Operation Pitcher Plant 4370
@Mr Squid - 2 of 123675, 136959, 141011 The Lost Choir (Ch1-3)
@Sakura-Kishi - Invasion of the Land of Oz 168841
suedenim - Ashley Porter and the Gorilla War 130809
Thornster - A Little RnR 17523
@Elisenda - second arc
in queue:
WynterPhrost
@Canadian Canuk - 99 bottles of Beer 100616
@OverlordIndigo - A Hero is Made, Not Born 20863
Theron - The Construct 91887
@Spry - Saving Grace 124477
You can make me owe you a review if you run through and review one of:
Axis and Allies (1379)
Celebrity Kidnapping (1388)
Teen Phalanx Forever! (67335)
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
PoliceWoman, I'm glad you enjoyed my arc, "Why Do Bad Girls Like Bad Boys?". This was the first arc I came up with, and the one I've probably put the most effort into.
I agree that the number of clues and bits of evidence against Latin Lava is a little thin. I'll add at least a couple more and point them out.
I can't believe I've STILL got typo's! I must need some new glasses.
I'll replace the rifles being held by Carnies and give them a different emote. That does seem out of character for them.
The Carnies MUST have some kind of management positions in their organization that Helen can strive for. I mean, who promotes Carnies from Minion to Lt. to Boss? It's all very fine and well for a young woman, just out of finishing school, to take a job as a Carnie Juggler, but she doesn't want to do that job for her entire career! 
Latin Lava was originally an EB but I brought him down to a Boss. I'm not sure why he still shows up as an EB ally, so I'll check into that and adjust it.
The souvenier is a good idea. Maybe a bottle of Latin Lava's home-brew aftershave or something!
Thanks again for the kind words about both my arcs that you reviewed. They're very much appreciated.
Please try my arcs:
Arc# 63910 "Why Do Bad Girls Like Bad Boys?" (length=Long, levels 40+)
Arc# 401500 "How to Be a Successful Professional Criminal" (length=Very Long, levels 1-10)
celebrity kidnapping arc 1388
i ran this mission with obvious girl, my MA/SR scrapper on heroic.
a couple of things that i saw...
mission 1
the family are 29 and the rest are 32
in paris description... should it be paris' instead of paris's?
mission 3
vincenzo is 32, every other family is 29
well i certainly wish more arcs were as sophisticated as this one was. nice neat story line, simple but really smart cutsom toons. the last mission was the most impressive use of triggered rescue captives, rescue allies and fight bosses that i have yet seen. i guess i will have to try out your other arcs, if they compare to this one they should be great.
the one hiccup that i saw was that the family that i saw were all level 29s, while i was level 32. i am figuring that this is because i was a hero and there is a gap in level ranges for family on the hero side? i have encountered other problems with groups in a similar fashion, carnies for example. the carnies have a start earlier for the villain side of things than the hero side... or is it vice versa? regardless i had a level 30-40 mission and i went in as a 30 hero and there were lvl 40 carnies. obviously this did not work. i suspect the same thing for the family.
otherwise great arc. i guess i will have to put another of yours in my play queue.
please run my hero therapy arc, listed below. that one is my favorite. the other i am reworking right now but still playable, if you wish.
global: ridiculous girl
Hero Therapy! (TM) - 119228
welcome to donut world - 1233
[quick reply]
At some point this weekend, I need to remember to write up my review of Teen Phalanx Forever! (67335)... I ran through it with my Warshade a while ago, and enjoyed it immensely.
If you get the chance, I'd love more feedback (especially after the changes to the custom enemey powers in the last patch) on Operation Pitcher Plant (4370).
Keep up the good work!
Vila: Why don't you go?
Avon: You are expendable.
Vila: And you're not?
Avon: No, I am not. I am not expendable, I'm not stupid, and I'm not going.
Gan: I'll get the guns.
- Blake's 7, Horizon