Elisenda

A handful of us play every Tuesday and Thursday evening from 7 - 9 or 10 (EST). We're around levels 11-12 right now, and anyone is welcome to join us. Look for me (@Elisenda). Tonight, we're beginning in the Hollows with Frostfire

[ QUOTE ]
Title: A Lame Joke
Arc ID: 22982
Creator’s Global Name: @Elisenda
Mission Count: 2

Lowdown – This arc is LOADED with humor, jokes, puns, etc. ranging for LOL to grooooaaaan. It features an entirely custom group with lots of dialog and humorous bios. My one small complaint about them is that I wish they were a little more varied in appearance. Both missions of the arc feature an ally who I feel is a bit too strong. I found her right off the bat and ended mission one with only a ten ticket bonus. These complaints are really minor and don’t detract much for the arc.

Funny Level – Groans to almost peeing your pants funny

Fun Level – A day at Disneyland with no lines

Let’s up it to 11! – Tone down the ally and maybe spruce up the minions and Lt.s. The contact does not talk the way it does in game which may really bother some people.

Overall Rating – Now THAT’S Comedy!


WN

[/ QUOTE ]


Thanks for your input. I have tweaked the characters' powers a bit to balance them out, especially weakening the ally. I've not yet had time to look at the costumes, though.

@Elisenda

Title: Fine Literature
Arc ID: 136522
Creator’s Global Name: @Elisenda
Mission Count: 2

Just finished Death to Disco! Well done!

Title: A Lame Joke
Arc ID: 22982
Creator’s Global Name: @Elisenda
Mission Count: 2

I just finished "Trademark Infringement." and left a brief comment in the thread dedicated to that mission. Thanks!

@Elisenda

I quite enjoyed the mission. A few suggestions:

You are missing commas in several places throughout the text. I can re-run the mission and note them if you care.

More dialogue, perhaps in patrols, would be a nice addition. (Perhaps after I-15 hits live, which I've read will reduce the size of custom villains, you'll have more space to try this).

I kept expecting some reference to the difference between trademark and copyright, which often comes up in these discussions. If I missed, I am sorry. If not, you might consider adding it (perhaps in the soon-to-be-added patrol texts?)

@Elisenda
(A Lame Joke, 22982) (Fine Literature, 136522)

I just played through the mission. A great concept. Several minor elements detract from the whole, however.

You mention Mad Marco both in the creature descriptions and in a patrol conversation, but never flesh out his identity nor why his gators roam the sewers. You could offer some clues, or fuller description to explain this fellow and his goals.

You should offer a souvenir to end the mission. Perhaps those alligator-skin boots you refer to as the exit text.

The grammar and word choice can be considerably tightened. Many commas ought to be added, for example, and more action verbs.

Again, the concept is funny, the creatures are not overwhelming nor walk-overs, and the pacing is good. Just a bit of polishing.

@Elisenda
(A Lame Joke, 22982)
(Fine Literature, 136522)

A very fun mission, one of my favourites so far in Mission Architect

[u]Mission Architect Text[u]
You wrote:
"...and they've extended an invitation to a teen version of your hero to try out! Do you have what it takes to be on Paragon City's premier teen superhero team?"
• "To try out" at the end of the first sentence is awkward. Perhaps re-cast the sentence to read "...they've offered a try-out to the teen side-kick of your hero."
• "...premier teen superhero team" is muddy due to the proximity of "teen" and "team". Any number of synonyms for team or teen might be better, as would re-arranging the syntax: "Paragon's premier organization for young superheroes", "premier outfit for teen superheroes", "premier team for young superheroes", "premier group for teenaged superheroes"...

First Mission
[u]Coyote introduction text:[u]
I suggest changing the first sentence to "...You know, I met your mentor[,] $name[,] once when she fought the plague in Outbreak! Let me tell you, even during that first mission, I could tell she had phenomenal potential."
• the name of the hero should be set off by commas.
• "fought" gets rid of one to be verb, which generally strengthens any piece of writing.
• "the Outbreak plague" (as you now have it) sounds odd. Many people, perhaps, don't think of Outbreak as the name of the plague, but rather as the place one begins CoH.
• Again, I suggest re-wording the second sentence to avoid forms of to be.

The next sentence is overly-long as currently constructed, and Coyote should explain that it's good he is hands-off, and he's not just giving kids whatever they want. Perhaps something like:
"...You're here about Teen Phalanx, right? Statesman put me in charge of keeping those kids in line; you know—providing some adult supervision. For the most part, though, I try not to intervene unless it's absolutely necessary; the kids prefer it that way and, frankly, they learn more if I don't babysit them.

You wrote:
"Now, normally I'd have you run through our danger room simulation, but since the Teen Phalanx is on a mission right now to bring in Dr. Vahzilok, I'm going to send you out to join the team in the field, and we'll see how you do."
• Too many prepositions and other short words in this over-long sentence. I'd suggest breaking in to two sentences, and strengthening them; perhaps something like:
"Normally, you'd run through our danger-room simulation. In this case, though, I'm sending you straight into the field. Teen Phalanx is currently running Dr. Vahzilok to ground, and you can show me what you've got while helping them."

••• Why are we trying to bring in the Doctor?

"Are you game?"
• Change to the more informal "You game?" since Coyote is presenting a friendly face.

• Perhaps insert a fiction that your mentor is out of town, or otherwise unavailable, leaving your teen self at loose ends for a while. This makes the final wrap-up tidier.

[u]Acceptance text:[u]
You wrote:
"I knew you had it in you, Kid $name! Your mentor would be proud."
• "Your mentor" is stilted. Consider re-casting to "I knew you had it in you, kid! $name would be proud."

You wrote:
"...be sure that you can handle that. But if you stick with the team and work together..."
• delete the first "that" for better flow.
• The "But" makes no sense in this context. Delete it.

You wrote:
"...a tactical retreat can help a lot."
• Maybe "...a tactical retreat can save your butt." or something equally colloquial.

You wrote:
"This'll be a good chance for you to meet the team, too. They're all good kids..."
• repeating "good" in successive sentences can be improved by replacing one of them. Play with replacing the first "good" with words such as fine, great, prime, excellent, nice...

You wrote:
"Don't let anything Manticora says bother you, though...."
• Introduce this as an after-thought: "Oh, by the way, don't let..." and delete "though"

[u]In Mission 1[u]
• How did Vaz get behind the team? Have they not been clearing as they moved forward?

••• Why is the team split up? There are suggestions, but unclear ones. If Manticora ditched the team, as her speech implies, why was she nearest the exit? Shouldn't she be farthest in? Even if she did, why aren't the others still together?

[u]Description of Manticora[u]
• Bad is used twice in the first sentence; change the second occurence, or perhaps just delete it. Moreover, an appositive phrase is a strong way to introduce her: "The bad girl of Teen Phalanx, Cora is full of attitude and sarcasm..."
• When I lost her, she said "looks like she will never make the team". She should speak in contractions: "...she'll never make the team..."

[u]Description of Kid Valkyrie[u]
Again an appositive phrase, especially since she is set in contrast to Manticora. "The good-girl of Teen Phalanx, Val's constant cheerfulness and positive attitude encourages her fellow heroes. This daughter of Valkyrie wears a suit of power armor designed by Positron himself."

[u]Description of Back Alley Boy[u]
Perhaps something similar to:
"Abandoned as an infant in a Galaxy City alley, and soon found by Michael White, this young hero grew under the watchful eye of his rescuer. Modeling both his training and his name on his mentor, Back Alley Boy has become the tough guy of Teen Phalanx.

Second Mission
••• Why doesn't Teen Phalanx ever stay together? Really, this is something Coyote should explain, perhaps mentioning that lack of co-operation is their major failing as a team.

[u]Description of Citadel XP[u]
"Citadel XP is the brains of the Teen Phalanx, a superintelligent android created from next generation technology derived from a combination of Citadel's hardware and Luminary's software."
• Once again, an appositve phrase would work well, as would avoiding the to be verb and the doubling of the word "from". Perhaps something more along the lines of "Crafted from Citadel's hardware and Luminary's software, the super-intelligent android Citadel XP serves as the brains of Teen Phalanx."

[u]Clue[u]
"It's a compact communications device[comma] proving [delete THAT] you're a full member of Teen Phalanx."

Third Mission
[u]Coyote's intro text:[u]
You wrote:
"With Cora taking a break from the team, the other team members are all having to pitch in to cover her shifts on monitor duty."
• Delete the second "team".

You wrote:
"I want to spread the shifts around so no one gets too burned out on it."
• Too many small words and prepositions. Perhaps "I'm spreading the work around so no one gets stuck with it for too long."

••• By this point he should have some idea where Manticora is or what she's doing. Offer some indication that he's checked on her after she fled the last mission. He should know long before the next mission; otherwise he seems a failure as a team mentor.

[u]Acceptance text"[u]
You wrote:
"...I knew I could count on you..." and "...Things seem mostly quiet right now, although Sister Psyche did warn us that she thought the Freakshow gang might be up to something. I know it's a long shift, so help yourself to anything in the fridge that you want."
I suggest instead:
"...I knew we could count on you..." and "Things seem pretty quiet right now, but Sister Psyche warned us the Freakshow might be cooking something up. By the way, I know it's along shift, so help yourself to anything in the fridge."

Fourth Mission
[u]Citadel XP's clue[u]
"After I was captured by rogue robots, they took me to their leader[—a twisted android hybrid] of Citadel's electronics and Council technology. This fusion left his programming completely insane. He now calls himself Citadel Vista[comma] and he is determined to destroy Teen Phalanx."
• [Do robots have sanity? Can they be insane? Perhaps a better word than "insane" might be found]

[u]Final De-Briefing[u]
You wrote:
"Now, I know your mentor is asking for more of your time now. Everyone is sorry to see you go (yes, even Cora), but we'll understand if you need to spend more time helping $name with her missions."
• Delete "Now"
• "I know $name is asking..." instead of "your mentor"
• Perhaps change the sentence to "I know $name is back now, and needs you with her. Everyone is sorry to see you go—even Cora. We understand you need to spend time with $name; she is your mentor."

[u]Souvenir[u]
• I suggest minor textual changes below
This compact communications device has fond memories for you; it reminds you of your time in Paragon City's premier teen super-group,

Teen Phalanx!

It all started when Coyote invited you to try out for the team. Instead of going through the standard danger-room exercise, Coyote sent you directly to help the team fight zombies in the sewers beneath Paragon. After you helped defeat the notorious Dr. Vahzilok, the team voted you in as a full member.

Over time, you got to know your new teammates: Kid Valkyrie, Manticora, Back Alley Boy, and Citadel XP. Val took to you right away, but Cora never had a kind word for you. You and Teen Phalanx had many adventures together, including rescuing Penelope Yin and taking down the Clockwork King. You were all a little surprised when Cora took a break from the team, but Val confided that she thought Cora was taking some time off to make up with Statesboy.

While taking a shift on monitor duty, you were there when a huge group of Freakshow attacked the Teen Phalanx base. After the team defeated the Freaks, their leader, Clamor, confessed they'd been hired to go after the team. This, combined with word that Cora had never met up with Statesboy, and XP had been kidnapped by Council robots, made it clear that a mysterious arch-enemy was gunning for Teen Phalanx.

Following a lead pointing to an abandoned Council base, you, Kid Valkyrie, and Back Alley Boy fought your way through hordes of rogue robots to rescue Citadel XP and Manticora, and confronted the mysterious arch-enemy—a hybrid Council/Citadel android calling himself Citadel Vista who was determined to prove his superiority over Citadel XP. Teen Phalanx took down Citadel Vista, and you were gratified when Cora finally accepted you as a real hero.

Soon after that, duties with your mentor kept you from maintaining an active status on the team, but they asked you to keep this communicator and to remain a reserve member of.... Teen Phalanx Forever!






[[Played with level 33 mastermind]]

Celebrity Kidnapping (1388)

I enjoyed the mission very much, and almost all my comments are minor stylistic suggestions.

First Mission - Introduction text
• Blond should be spelled Blonde
• Perhaps she should be the heiress of the Holiday Hilton, or the Holiday Hotels, or something similar. Her name is a parody, so the hotel's name should be as well.

Send-off text
• Re-write text to "There's a sewer grate at the far end of the prison yard; that should lead you straight to her cell," being sure to add something about it being at the far end of the yard for those who've never done the tutorial, or don't remember it. [there are several grates before you get to the correct one]
• "Try TO get Paris out in one piece"

• Convict minion info text
"who has built up a lot of pent up aggression..." might better read "A convicted felon with years of pent-up aggression; he's ready to unloose it all now" [either way, pent-up should be hyphenated; it's a compound adjective].

• Photographer info text:
"Paparazzi take photos of celebrities <change to>when the subjects least expect it..." and "or<comma> in this case, while..."

• Paris Holiday info text:
"...became famous after appearing on an MTV reality show." instead of of "a reality show on MTV."
"story WHICH caused the producers <delete TV> to proclaim her the hottest star on televsion <instead of MTV>."
"Paris also sang some marginal music<comma instead of AND> shilled <instead of SOLD> some over-priced perfume, and had an irate ex-boyfriend post an explicit video of them <instead of HER> on <instead of TO> the internet. Unfortunately, <delete FOR HER> Paris' bad-girl <compound adjective> ways caught up with <instead of TO> her when <instead of AFTER>..."

• A small ambush on the way out would make sense, probably by the Paparazzi.

• After mission text - put a rich at the end as well: "We're going to be rich, $name, rich!"


Mission Two:
• Mission Intro Text : "We split the ransom three ways—you, me, and the Family <instead of "one for you, one for me, and one for the Family.">
• Info Text on Bum: "Once a promising boxer, Terry Wheeler took a dive at his brother's urging, allowing Emil Marcone to make serious money on a series of inside bets. Ever since, Terry's life has been on the skids, and he now squats in an abandoned office, a washed-up has-been." [Leave the relationship to Willy implied, since you never mention it again, and eliminated to be verbs]

• Info Text on Hobo: "Formerly a Scrapyarder foreman, after the Cage Consortium busted his union he found himself out of work, out of luck, and out of options." ["with the Scrapyarders" is wordy; "out of work and un-employed" is redundant]

Mission Three:
Intro Text: change "in order to" to "to" in the first sentence, delete "Go and" from the second, and perhaps change the ending to just "we'll be able to settle our accounts"

• The final fight is suddenly much tougher than the rest of all the preceding missions. After no deaths through the arc, I died eight times after encountering the Marcone boss. Being ambushed while fighting the boss is very frustrating.

• After you capture(?) Amanda Vines, there should be some text (perhaps a clue, so it's obvious) about leading her out. I was unsure at first what to do with her.

• The grammar and word choice of the souvenir could be improved - some missing commas, too many to be verbs, etc. I can send you a message about it if you care.

@Elisenda
My own missions need a lot of work as well
(A Lame Joke, 22982) (Fine Literature, 136522)

Star Strider Forces Registry
Name: Holiday Archer
Global Contact: @Elisenda
Level of Classification: Security Level 21 Device Archer
Origin: Natural
Super Rank & Super Group: Dragones