You don't know how close I came to writing "Looks like we'll need another Timmy." 
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
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[That was my first thought...]
Part of Sister Flame's Clickey-Clack Posse
The English language is an intricate high-speed precision tool.Stop using it to bang open coconuts. ~Tokamak
Dark_Respite's Video page
Maybe it's not so much narrative fiction this time, but I decided to throw in a little FAQ that may or may not be found in some Neophyte's Guide to Arcane Living wiki or in some intel file somewhere. I'll probably add this to the Virtue wiki at some point as well. I suppose you could file it under "World Development Fiction" or somesuch, like Tolkien's various appendices for Middle-Earth.
Shadow Branding, or Stuck On You: The FAQ
What is shadow branding?
"Shadow branding" is a ritual used by the leaders among Jizoku no Himitsu to reward and/or punish various ninja and willful shadows.
How is it a reward and/or a punishment?
It can grant a large amount of power to an individual, but it also can have a great cost to said individual.
So, what's the process?
First, you need a real live human being. Second, you need an independent shadow. Then by using magic, you essentially blend the two together creating a unified whole. Depending on the desired outcome of the ritual, it can be as simple as putting your subjects in a candle-lit room, or it can be as complex as creating a mystic pattern through use of Sanskrit and Kanji rendered in calligraphic format.
What's an "independent" Shadow? For that matter, what are these Shadow servants flitting about the ninja HQ, anyway?
Okay, just like you and I have shadows, there's also Shadows. The spellcasters from the ninja clan found a link between the shadows cast by just about everything and a sentient force that exists and links all shadows.
So, it's like the negative energy that you see a lot of defenders, Skulls, and scrappers use?
It's one and the same, really.
So, getting back to the Shadows, what is it about the "independent" ones?
Often, a shadow servant will be summoned up by a high-level channeler of this negative energy. Mind you, this servant isn't always happy to be taken away from whatever it was doing. Well, there's this little thing about Shadow servants: they're part of a group mind, the sentient force I talked about earlier. If you summon one of these servants regularly, it will split off from the group mind and have a will of its own. It becomes an independent Shadow. Mother Aoi's family has found dozens, if not hundreds of these creatures since her family's founding. Many of the original Shadows still act as retainers to the Maehara family, the head family of Jizoku no Himitsu.
Well, if there's a great sentient force behind the Shadow, how does it react to the independent creatures?
It mourns the loss of each Shadow as if it had died, for the independent Shadow has found itself cut off from its family and its parent. The Maeharas made a pact with the Shadow to take care of its "lost" children, and was granted special gifts in return.
It's a win/win situation, then?
Pretty much.
So, how does the ninja family take care of these creatures?
The Shadows are assisted by Jizoku no Himitsu in finding a purpose in the world, and by helping them feed in oder to exist.
What do Shadows eat?
Souls, mostly. Without an attachment to a human body (like our shadows) or an attachment to the sentient force, independent shadows have to feed on life energy. A starving Shadow will drain someone's soul in no time flat. Usually, though, an independent Shadow will feed in small amounts. Quite often a Shadow will offer its help to a human in order to find a host. It replaces the human's original shadow, and gives them access to the shadow's knowledge. The Shadow will also do many little things to help its human host, such as assisting with grooming, finding car keys, helping navigate in the dark and such. Without a host, though, a Shadow must feed in far more dangerous manner. It must drain the soul and life energy from its victims by force. If the Shadow is particularly hungry, it will feed on the soul all at once.
Sounds painful.
No, it's quick and painless. The victim doesn't even notice it. The soulless body is often used by the Shadow for a while afterward, allowing it to live as a normal human for a little while. The Shadow will tire quickly of the novelty, though, and leave the body to its fate.
Okay, we know what the independent Shadows are, then. What do they have to do with this shadow branding process?
The personalities of the human and the Shadow will merge to an extent, depending on the ritual used.
So, what does the process look like?
Basically, a light source is used by the human as a focus to keep them distracted from when the Shadow merges. The light source is used as a trap for the unlucky Shadow. The ritual bends the Shadow towards the light, causing it great pain.
Where does the human come in?
The human who is holding the light source is often used as bait and as a refuge for the shadow.
A refuge?
A Shadow without a host will try to force itself over a human shadow to stop from being dragged into the light. Once the shadow opens itself up to try to absorb the host's shadow, the branding process begins.
How does that work?
An "opened" Shadow is vulnerable to branding. When it attempts to fuse with a human, the branding ritual takes its energy and permeates the human's life energy with it. This also adds the sum of the Shadow's knowledge to its human bearer. It also has the side effect of obliterating the Shadow's personality. A shadow-branded individual will find himself knowing many things from first-hand experience, even if such experience never happened to the human before.
So, someone born, say in 1980, can suddenly find himself remembering a day of courtly intrigue in 1214 and react as if he'd actually been there?
Right. It all depends on what the Shadow has learned during its independent existence.
So, it's a pretty easy ritual, then?
No. The human and the Shadow are wracked with pain during the branding process. The Shadow's pain comes from losing its sense of self, the human's pain comes from the Shadow trying to tear its way out of the human's body.
Is it ever fatal?
No human has died from it. During the ritual, you may wish you had died, though.
This is where the powers come in?
Right. It depends on a bunch of factors, the main ones being the personalities of the Shadow and human, the amount of power being doled out to the human, and the amount of control placed upon the recipient.
What do you mean by "amount of control?"
Shadow branding does give its recipient new powers, but Mother Aoi also gains some amount of control over the recipient if desired. She is able to use the recipient's senses to gather information and can also control their body if so desired. In some cases, she disallows the use of control, preferring only to use the recipient as a spy camera.
What if she doesn't like you?
Then you'll be putting on a life-size puppet show, with Mother Aoi pulling your strings.
That sounds kind of hot.
Stay out of this, Encharger.
So, this is why it's both a reward and a punishment?
Yes. The caster and/or Mother Aoi can determine how much power the recipient gets and how much control they'll exert. If you're truly trusted, you'll be given lots of power and no control. If you're untrustworthy, your power will be limited and you can kiss your independence goodbye.
So, what about guys like Timmy?
Read the story and find out.
Wait, if this thing obliterates the Shadow's sense of self, doesn't the sentient Shadow force get ticked off?
Not particularly. The Shadow has a mind of its own and a will of its own, so it must be responsible for its own actions. The Maeharas will care for and protect the Shadows, but if a Shadow turns on them or fails them, they're punished like anyone else in Jizoku no Himitsu: slowly and cruelly. The sentient Shadow force understands this.
Also, some Shadows no longer wish to exist, or wish to fulfill a higher purpose for the group and will volunteer to become a human's shadow brand. It is uncommon, but not rare. One historical account in the Maehara family records recalls that a Shadow who had fallen in love with a genin requested to be branded upon her in order to give her the abilities needed to complete her missions.
So now that you're branded, how do you know what powers you'll get?
You look at the brand, the physical mark left as a reminder of the Shadow. This often forms a "tattoo" of sorts under the skin of the human recipient. By reading the tattoo and examining the recipient's personality, you can often tell what they'll get. For example, a ninja known for having a slowly-building temper and a brand of flowers and vines will likely have some kind of plant and fire powers. It depends many other factors, but the personality and tattoo are often very accurate in power determination.
What does Timmy have, then, with shadows and stars?
Keep reading.
Shadow branding is, in summary, a power-granting process with a great chance of losing control of your very self?
That's it in a nutshell.
Who are the regular users of the ritual?
The only two people known to do such things so far are Mother Aoi and Tetsukane. There are others as yet unknown who also have access to this. Mother Aoi, as leader of the group, though, has final authority to tweak things as she sees fit.
Who else has gone through the process?
Mother Aoi has used it on her son, the Cobalt Claymore, in order to turn him into Whispering Typhoon. He managed to break the control thanks to the help of dozens of other heroes during the Typhoon Warning event and return to Paragon City to take up his identity as the Cobalt Claymore once again.
What if there's a question that I don't see answered here?
Well, you could always ask Mother Aoi, but you may not want the answer.
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
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Tetsukane sat on the raised tatami where instructors would usually watch their newest students train. The genin he'd recently shadow branded stood before him.
"Show me what the shadow gave to you," Tetsukane said.
The ninja became blurry as shadows wrapped themselves around him, but he did not disappear. The ripples of darkness around him did little to hide him, but moved and swayed to shield him. The genin's hands began to glow a fiery red, giving way to bright white at the center. With a room-filling shout, he drove his fist into the floor, causing the tatami to fly in all directions. Any of the mats which came near the genin were shunted aside by the shadow armor.
Tetsukane smiled. "You have learned Kichikudo. That will be useful." The Way of the Brute was simple, but its destructive power made up up for the usual lack of grace. The name appeared in his mind. "You shall no longer be burdened by the name of Timmy, as you have paid attention to the shadow's memories and learned to use its gifts. From now on, you are Seito, named for your diligence in your studies."
Seito bowed deeply. "Thank you, Tetsukane-sensei. What is my first mission?"
"You will provide the needed distraction to keep St. Martial's security forces at bay while our account-cracking specialists do their work in the St. Martial banking enclave," Tetsukane said. "You should be able to lead them on a very wild chase from the financial center to just about anywhere you please."
"I understand, sensei. When shall I leave?" Seito asked.
Tetsukane watched as his student paced the floor. "Our infiltration unit has not yet been selected. Until then, train."
"Yes, sensei,' Seito said. The ninja then bowed and walked off of the training room floor. When he was gone a group of raw students and shadows came in to start repairs on the floor. Tetsukane then directed the newcomers to complete their tasks.
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
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[Good-bye Timmy! Pick up your red shirt on the way out...]
Part of Sister Flame's Clickey-Clack Posse
The English language is an intricate high-speed precision tool.Stop using it to bang open coconuts. ~Tokamak
Dark_Respite's Video page
Red shirts? Nah, Seito got a promotion out of the red shirt unit. Of course for ninjas Masterminds, it's more a gray shirt than red...
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
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At St. Casimir's cemetery in one of the south suburbs of Chicago, Mother Aoi placed a bouquet of flowers on a grave. Morning glory, forget-me-nots, blue and purple hyacinth were all arranged as delicately as possible.
"I'm sorry, Michael," the woman said, tightening up her overcoat to shield against the cutting winds. She reached out to touch the smooth granite of the gravestone of her husband. "Abandoning your mission makes you useless to the family, if you go by the traditions passed down to me. I abandoned the man I love. Even the shiftless and lazy can look down on me because of that. I abandoned you and I abandoned our sons to whatever the world threw at them. A useless thing like me can never make up for her mistakes."
"I don't know, you don't seem that useless," a voice said that the woman hadn't heard except in a recording for almost twenty years.
"Michael?"
"Hiya, June," the spirit of Michael Galahad said. "You're still as beautiful as ever."
"I thought you weren't supposed to come back," Mother Aoi said.
"I get time off for stuff like this. It's The Big Guy's decision," Michael's ghost said with a smile.
"I'm far too late for apologies, Michael, I know that," the ninja leader said. "But I had to let you know that I'm sorry. I should have stayed with you."
"I'm part of the past, so all I can do is forgive what's in the past," the ghost said. "Besides, you know how ghosts are, when our true love calls or we have a message for our children, we can return."
"True love," Mother Aoi said. "I'm glad you feel that way, too."
"I can't go through eternity hating you, June," Michael said. "Merry Christmas, gorgeous."
Mother Aoi blushed and smiled a bit. "You too. I also have one last regret for which I must apologize, dear husband," Mother Aoi said.
"What's that?"
With a flash of light the spirit of the first Cobalt Claymore was trapped in a paper talisman. He appeared as a samurai, warding off demons and shadows with his swords.
"I'm sorry for having to use you as a bargaining chip to get our son to see reason and take over Jizoku no Himitsu," Mother Aoi said, her smile replaced with a look of determination. "He's as willful as you."
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
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((Apologies to J for forgetting to add a title to this story and accidentally -- and misleadingly -- tying it to his story.))
Galaxy City...
"They growed alot in eight months."
"Mm-hmm."
Roy Kirby sat on the floor beside his wife Peggy and watched the twins asleep under the Christmas tree in a pile of stuffed animals and baby toys. A plushie Ascendant was clutched tightly in Ace's tiny arms. He took another sip of eggnog and put his arm around Peggy and pulled her close.
"Been a quiet year fer me, ya know?" Roy said, "Quietest one I kin r'member since I got ta Paragon."
"It's been almost normal," Peggy said, then added, "Except for the Rikti Invasion of '07."
"Yeah."
"Hey, Pop!" a young voice interjected into their reverie, "'Rock Star' ain't no fun solo."
Roy sighed and looked at Peggy, who smiled back and replied, "Go set it up, Ben, and you dad and I will be in there in a few minutes. I got dibs on drums!"
An "awww" sounded from Roy and his eldest son simultaneously. Ben ran back to his room to set the game up.
Roy lifted Ace, Peggy lifted Alice and they took the sleeping babies to their cribs. They kissed their babies and covered them snugly and turned on the nightlight.
Leaving the door slightly ajar, they tiptoed out of the room.
"Makes me think things're gonna be onna perty even keel from here on out."
"I hope so, Roy. I hope so."
"It will be if I got anything ta say about it."
-----------
In the Rogue Isles...
Elle the Demon sat in the floor of her cloning lab and watched the baby Kirby-clone crawl across the floor toward her waiting metal arms.
"Oh my, you're a strong one," Elle said. "I don't see a single flaw in you. Maybe -- just maybe -- you're the one."
She lifted the baby in her arms and carried it to machine she referred to as the "clone-ager". She kissed the baby and placed it inside, then she went to the control console and put the machine to work.
She smiled as she watched through the view-panel.
"Yes," she said, "You may be the one. And if you're not -- I'll kill you as I have the others."
---------------------
In the realm of the Lords of Chaos and Order...
"You must see our point -- we Lords of Chaos have lost an important avatar in the Yellow King. This after having agreed to allow this... this..."
The Chaos Lord speaking gestured to the green entity who currently held charge over the Wheel of Destruction.
"...this substitute Lord of Destruction. We must be allowed to either choose a new avatar, or claim the designated entity, the HEROyd Kirby to take his place among us."
The assembled Lords of Order considered the Chaos Lords' demands.
"It is decided," one of them said after a some discussion. "You may have either your avatar, or your True Lord of Destruction. But to maintain the balance we have achieved, you may not claim both."
"Fair enough," the Chaos Lords agreed. "Now, leave it to us to choose the potential avatar, and how we intend to choose between our... er... choice."
-----------------
Founders Falls...
"Girls! Are you two wrestling again in there?"
"It's your mom!" Cassi Nova said in a hushed voice.
"Um... yeah, mom! Sorry! Nothing got broken!" Betsy Kinsolving, aka Blitz, shouted through the closed bedroom door.
Both girls collapsed on Betsy's bed in a fit of giggles.
"Shhh!" Betsy said, then broke out in giggles again.
"Oh, Bets," Cassi said as she covered Betsy's mouth with her own, "You are sooo chaotic!"
Tommy Pachowski, his sister Claire, and his mother Mary were all seated in the living room of the family apartment in High Park. The college football bowl games had begun to appear more often during the build-up to the big games in January. There were sounds of sizzling and occasional bright flashes from the kitchen where a wok occasionally burst into flame. A mad chopping noise also emanated from the doorway.
"Do they actually know what they're doing in there, Tommy?" his mother asked.
"Well, Todd's supposed ta be a good cook, an' I know that Saya's pretty good, too. Just be patient, all right, Ma?" Tommy said as he flipped between three channels. "Commercials every two minutes, no defense ta speak of... what've they done ta football?"
Claire read through her manga, one of her house slippers dangling off of one toe. "Ma? Are we going to the hairdresser's any time soon?" she asked.
"For the last time, Claire, you're not getting your hair done again like someone out of those stupid comics," Mary grumbled. "I let you get one style, and now you want to go and change it?"
Claire didn't say anything for a few seconds. "Well, I was thinking of getting it cut."
"No," her mother said.
"Why not?" Claire whined. "It's not like we're broke!"
"Ma said no, Claire-head," Tommy said. "Besides, if ya do too much ta yer hair it'll fall out an' you'll look like Great-Grandpa Tomasz!" He sniffed the air. "Man, whatever he's fryin' in there smells good."
"I'm surprised that a boy like Todd would know anything about Chinese cooking," Mary said.
"Well, considerin' his dad was a hero, I guess he wanted him ta have a bunch'a skills ta use. Ya never know when posin' as a cook can help ya blend in," Tommy said. "Besides, ya had his food that one time he came over fer dinner. Remember how he made those appetizers?"
"You mean the pan-fried salami things?" Mary asked. "Oh, yes, those were pretty good for a starter."
"Is he making more of those?" Claire asked.
Todd poked his head out through the doorway. "It'll be just a couple more minutes!"
"Tommy, you said he has a girlfriend, right?" Mary asked. "Why isn't she here?"
"She had work at the lab," Tommy said. "She'll probably be over later."
Saya walked out, with a rice cooker filled to the brim in her arms. "Okay, I'll set the rice over on the table, come over when you're ready."
As if by shifts, everyone picked up a plate and helped themselves to a miniature buffet of stir-fried goodness. Tommy and Todd talked shop mostly in between reacting to the game, while Claire listened, pretending to be more interested in her book. Mary and Saya chatted a little here and there, but made sure to bug the boys with questions about football or hero life.
After dinner, Todd got up to clean off the table, and Mary followed him over.
"What do you think you're doing?" Mary asked.
"Well, I made the mess, so I should clean it up, too," Todd said. "I want my Christmas gift to your family to be a good dinner, not dirty dishes."
Mary looked over at her two children. "Tommy! Claire! Come clear the table and get the dishes going! Todd and Saya cooked, so you two should clean up!"
"Right, Ma," Tommy said.
There was some muted grumbling as Claire got off of the couch, but the two heroes started cleaning up now that everyone was finished.
"Should we have left some food out for Marie?" Mary asked.
"No, it's fine. I'll cook for her later tonight," Todd said.
"Well, I hope you didn't mind coming over to our apartment for Christmas. I thought you might go visit family or something."
"Well, when Dad died and I moved out here, his side of the family kind of wrote me off. There wasn't much contact anyway between his side of the family and us," Todd said.
"What about your mother?" Mary asked.
"Well, she's the head of a clan of ninjas and a crimelord. I try to stay away from crime unless I'm fighting crime."
"I see," Mary said. "Though with all of your usual desire to have a secret identity, you don't mind talking about a hero's life with me?"
"Well, it's because you understand part of the hero life. Your kids don't have to hide stuff around you. You're one of the people who keeps heroes grounded in reality. You're family. I guess I feel comfortable talking about hero business in front of you."
Mary smiled a bit. "Thank you. It's nice to be appreciated."
"You and Mister Pachowski were the first people to invite me over for dinner when I moved here. That meant a lot to me. I'm glad that you two trusted Tommy enough to invite me over."
"Well, it was Phil's idea," Mary said, referring to her late husband. "I wasn't in the mood to set another place at the table, but he insisted. I miss him being so hard-headed. I miss him just being here, too. He'd be teasing Tommy about the Jets this season now that the Patriots are doing so well."
"My first Christmas without my dad was awful. I didn't want to get out of bed, go to Mass, any of that. I spent most of the time looking through old photo albums."
"I didn't want to get out of bed yesterday, either. It hasn't even been a year, and I just didn't want to face Christmas without him."
"Yeah, but you would have missed out on the things you both loved about it, though," Todd said. "So you know, it doesn't get easier the second or third year, either."
Mary looked over at the pictures on the wall. "I didn't think it would. A lot of the other firemans' wives said the same thing."
"You can be proud of him, though. He got a lot of people out of that building before the Rikti attacked it again. There's plenty of good memories there." Todd looked down at the dining room table, then back at Mary. "Focus on those and you can get through the days like yesterday."
"Thank you, Todd," Mary said. "I think I'll do just that."
The two left the dining room to continue watching the football game.
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
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I looked Death in the face and she laughed at me.
In retrospect, I suppose it was a fool's errand; but then, anything we do for unrequited love would be. Im hardly the first fool to dare to hope, only the latest. Just open that drawer in the cabinet and slide my file in with the others. But put it up front because it deserves a place of prominence, this quixotic, damnable quest of mine; my rush for fools gold; a comedy of tragedies never to be forgotten, to be pulled out and shown to other poor souls who would dare think to go down this same dark road.
I have not seen my love since I returned from the domain of Death and Dream. (That I still call her "my love" only confirms the tenacity of my wrong-headedness. Do not attempt this at home, gentle listener: such a colossal boondoggle should be attempted only by a professional.) I have avoided her, you see, for I cannot face her. The shame of my current station prevents me. I have been made low.
Death made a deal with me, you see. I found her in her shadow-realm, seated upon her throne with her pale, emaciated handmaids at her side. She was beautiful, dark and lithe with long straight hair spun from black widow's silk, and dressed in the sheerest of gossamer. So overwhelming was she that my strength of will threatened to leave me and I realized that her's was the face that so many men long for, give up the amenities and comforts of a normal existence, and pursue, through reckless living, to a premature end. Still, I did not give in to this unearthly vision. I stood firm and I made my demands (fool!) and she sat and looked down upon me with bemusement.
With the same smile she had smiled the first time I had encountered her upon my death (a smile without mirth, without warmth, offering not an ending, but a beginning, and not a beginning of something, but a beginning of nothing) she acquiesced and said, "I will at a time of my choosing, and at the convenience of the Powers that Be, offer your lady love, this 'Samantha Adair', one opportunity to return to the living world, to become human again."
I listened, knowing that each provision was full of loopholes and backdoors, but clinging to the hope that all her dark promises were just that -- promises.
However, the dark lady continued, I require a service of you. Will you accept this, Smoke Ghost?"
"Whatever you would ask of me, I will do."
With a gesture, she arose and her handmaids scurried into the shadows only to return a moment later with two halves of a dressing screen which they held in place between myself and their mistress.
When they parted the screen and again disappeared into the dark mists, Death stood before me transformed. She was no longer the ravishing temptress, but rather was now a rather plain-looking young woman with a mop of short, curly black curls, and dressed in simple grey jeans and a white tee-shirt which bore a rather comical illustration of a teddy-bear dancing with a skeleton.
"Come with me, Smoke Ghost," she said, taking my hand (her hand was cold, and though it appeared to be fully fleshed, it felt as hard and unyielding as bone), "I shall show you what I require of you."
We who walk between the realms are used to the "shimmer" one experiences when passing fully from the Beyond into the land of the living. Yet, so smooth was this transition that I scarcely noticed the shimmer. It was as quick as the turning on of a light.
We stood in the center of the construction site of the long-delayed Connor Building in Skyway City. Nothing ever seemed to finish on time in Skyway City. Every project seemed never-ending with crews laboring months on end, seemingly without noticeable progress.
Near to where we now stood, a pickup truck pulled up, and out of it struggled a man with his right leg in a cast. He balanced himself as he pulled a pair of crutches out of the bed of the truck. His arrival halted the work of the builders and laborers on the job site, and they all came rushing over to greet him as if very glad to see him.
A large man in a hard hat and green coveralls approached with his hand stuck out. "Joe!" the man said, "Good to see you up and about. We thought we'd lost you for a while there."
Joe smiled at the big man and balanced on his crutches as he offered his own hand to shake. "Yeah," Joe said, "Close call. Way too damn close."
It was at this point that I noticed something I had missed before. Above Joe's head was an hourglass, its sands filling the bottom with not so much as a speck left in the top.
Death noticed that I noticed.
"Ah. I trust you understand the significance of the hourglass, Smoke Ghost."
I stood stone still, without reply.
I suppose Death took my silence as misapprehension, because she spoke the obvious:
"His time has run out. The accident that broke his body should have ended his life. These things happen, but still, when your time is up..."
I hung my head as I came to fully understand the "service" I would perform for her.
"There are many such as he around this city. Heroes. Villains. Normal people. I need an agent to claim them. The books must be balanced."
Then she left me to my work.
I watched as Joe and his co-workers laughed and smiled and discussed Joe's good fortune. Some of them noticed as I approached the group. Some of them looked to the sky to see if it had suddenly become overcast. Some of them noticed a vague cloud of dark smoke, which they probably figured had come from the tailpipe of Joe's still-running truck. None of them took much note of it either way, for even though they noticed my approach, they could not see the misty claws extend from my hands, nor could they see those claws rip through Joe's back, straight into his heart.
Joe's friends would administer CPR. They would pound his chest and breathe into his mouth. They would call an ambulance and the paramedics would do those same things and then some, all to revive Joe, the miraculous survivor of an industrial accident.
But Joe would die of a heart-attack.
I have found that there are many empty hourglasses above the heads of many people, not all of them at construction sites. A distasteful amount of them occur in hospital nurseries and elementary schools. I perform my tasks expeditiously. The books must be balanced.
I know that after the things I have done, I shall never be able to look upon my beloved Samantha again.
The curse of Death is that she will not let you go.
"You didn't!" Jen said.
"Uh, yeah, I kinda did," Todd Galahad said to his regular group of study partners. "I didn't want to wait anymore."
His other study partner, Will, shook his head. "But at a bar? Aren't there more romantic places?"
Todd nodded. Sure there were a lot better places to propose marriage than Pocket D, but he had the ring, Marie was there, and considering how many shadows were in the bar, it would have been very easy for one of Mother Aoi's spies to see and hear him. The information would get back to her one way or another.
"Do you even have this planned out?" Jen asked. "You're going to need all kinds of things planned, like the location, the catering, the guest lists, what everyone's going to wear, all of that. Also, how is that going to affect her working partnership with the Cobalt Claymore?"
"I don't think it will cause him any trouble," Todd said. "He's a very understanding guy."
"So, will he be giving Marie away?" Jen asked.
"He's married to his job. If he shows up at the wedding, it'll be for a few minutes, he'll brood up in the choir loft, then disappear out a window or some such. He doesn't even really do much other than lurk when he visits the houseboat."
"Wait, you know him?" Will asked.
"Yeah, very well, in fact," Todd said.
Jen tapped away on her laptop keyboard, chatting on one web forum or another. "So, what's he like?"
"Well, his latest visit ended up with me standing on the aft of my and Marie's boat while he just sort of stared at the boat and did all the "I'm protecting you, and I'll always be in the background." stuff. Basically we just sort of stood there and stared each other down for about five minutes, then he left," Todd said. "I think that's the longest we've ever talked."
Jen raised an eyebrow. "It doesn't sound like you guys actually said anything to each other."
"We didn't speak a word to each other. It was still the best conversation that he and I had."
"Okay, I'm raising the flag on that one," Will said. "Nobody acts like that."
"So, who all do you have picked for your part of the wedding party?" Jen asked.
"I haven't given it any thought. This is going to be a rather practical thing, so I'm surprised if we'll have much more than two really quick ceremonies that don't involve much more than 'You want to marry her? Okay, you want to marry him? All right, good. We're done here so off you two go to happiness and babymaking.' or some such," Todd said.
"Wow, you're an incurable romantic," Jen said.
"No, I'm a practical romantic," Todd replied. "And at least I don't start spouting off the Kalevala when I'm being romantic."
Jen turned bright red. "You told her about that?"
"I blamed it on a teaching assistant, so you're safe," Todd said with a grin.
"You're safe, too," Will said. "You don't even know Finnish!"
"I said the same thing, Will," Todd said with a smile.
Jen tried regaining her composure. "It's epic poetry... how is that not a turn-on?"
Will and Todd looked at her.
"What?" Jen asked.
The three students continued gabbing away through the afternoon.
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
Avatar by Scarf_Girl!
It was a bitterly cold day in Canton Place, home neighborhood to the Paragon City Police Academy, but tradition dictated that all academy graduation exercises were to be held outside. No one liked the tradition today, especially not the Paragon City Bagpipe and Drum Corps, who were required to wear kilts at every performance. After a rousing and fast version of "Scotland The Brave," the Commandant of the Academy stepped to the podium. To his right was the graduating class of fifty of the newest Paragon Police Department recruits. Next to them sat an array of city dignitaries and Heroes, including Hephaestus 1 and Blue Steel.
"Ladies and gentlemen," Commandant Ambinder said, "today we greet the newest recruits to the Paragon Police Department. These men and women have spent the past three months training to become guardians of our fair city, and to uphold our laws. Our new officers come from all parts of Paragon City, including its Licensed Hero population. And with every graduation, we have one new officer who stands above the rest, who exemplifies that which makes our officers the best in the country. With that, I'd like Patrolman Arnold Z. Lubawicz to come forward and accept the Honor Graduate Award and Ribbon for his dress uniform."
The short and furry form of Fang, the Littlest Werewolf trotted up to the stage in his dress blue jacket and trousers. His white uniform shirt and hat still carried the Recruit badge. He saluted Commandant Ambinder crisply and attempted to maintain a professional appearance. It was thoroughly ruined, though, by the furious wagging of his tail. Heph's hand covered his faceplate as if he was holding back a laugh and Blue Steel sat there, nearly motionless. A careful observer could see the corners of the hero's lips clamp down as if trying not to smile.
"Arnold?" Heph whispered to Blue Steel. "Man, he had to hate life at school."
Blue Steel sat there, his eyes darting over to Heph for a moment. "What do you think the Z stands for?"
"No idea," Heph muttered. The big blue cyborg watched as his former co-star pulled out a stepstool from the podium so that he could speak into the microphone.
"Thank you, Commandant Ambinder," Fang said. "I have to admit, I had advice from my mentors like my Uncle Larry and Hephaestus 1, about what to expect. I can say they were right with some things, and wrong with others. Uncle Larry thought I'd quit the first week. He was wrong. My co-star, Hephaestus 1, said that an officer's choice of coffee had to be as close as black to possible. He was right. I did get laughed at for my choice of coffee, because it looked unprofessional."
The short lycanthrope continued. "Well, I've learned to drink black coffee, Heph. Are you happy now?" he asked to the laughs of the assembled audience. "Really, I don't have much else to say other than thanks to everyone who helped me. It's nice to be part of a team, and since you helped me win this award, I'll do everything I can to live up to--"
Fang's remarks were drowned out by a loud metallic roar. A huge robotic beast stood over the audience, with a portly flannel-clad man of indeterminate age and more-indeterminate facial hair standing on its shoulder.
"BEWARE, PARAGON CITY, I EAT PASTE MAN HAS SUMMONED STRONGULON THE METAL RAVAGER IN ATTACK MODE!" the doughy looking man shouted. "AND YOU ARE ALL TOTALLY BANNED FROM THE WIZARD'S STARSHIP COMIC AND GAME STORE FOR BEING COPS!"
Heph looked up. "Barry? Oh, geez..."
"Barry?" Blue Steel asked.
"He thinks he's a superhero named 'I EAT PASTE MAN'," Heph said.
"'I EAT PASTE MAN'? What are his powers?"
"He thinks that eating paste without getting sick is a superpower. He also shouts no matter what." Heph said.
Blue Steel's face turned sour. "That's sad and disgusting."
"AND NOW YOU'LL ALL TOTALLY LOSE YOUR LIFE POINTS!" I EAT PASTE MAN said. "I EAT PASTE MAN CAN SUMMON MONSTERS LIKE NO ONE ELSE! BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF THE CARDS!"
Fang removed his hat and jacket and calmly placed them on the podium. "Excuse me, folks, I have something I need to do." He ran up to the giant robot and started climbing quickly up its leg.
"Barry!" Fang shouted. "I told you to stop trying to get powers from eating paste!"
"I GOT- I GOT THESE POWERS! FROM A GUY WHO WORE THIS BIG DISCO MEDALLION THING! AND FUNNY HAIR! AND NOW I SUMMON EXTREME MONSTERS! IT'S NOT FROM PASTE!" I EAT PASTE MAN shouted.
Fang continued climbing up the ornate monster's armored skin, getting up to the shoulder where Barry was perched. "This is an important day for my class! You are ruining it for everyone just like you ruined the D&D campaign at The Wizard's Starship!"
"I WANTED TO PLAY A DROW NINJA!" I EAT PASTE MAN yelled. "THEY'RE TOTALLY COOL AND LOOK AT THE BONUSES AND EVERYTHING--"
Fang slapped his erstwhile opponent right across the face, sending paste flecks flying everywhere. "Drow do NOT live in Rokugan, you moron!"
Blue Steel and Heph looked at each other. "I have no idea what he's talking about, Steelie," Heph said. "I thought Fang's only claim to geekery was reading manga in public at his age."
I EAT PASTE MAN glowered at Fang from behind his thick spectacles. "OH YOU ARE SO BANNED FROM THE STORE ONCE I TAKE IT OVER FROM BILL!"
"Your brother runs the store and he's kicked you out of there so many times because you pester everyone there!" Fang shouted. Do you know why we stopped gaming at the store?"
I EAT PASTE MAN was silent.
"You, Barry! You wanted to play a ninja EVERY FREAKING TIME!" Fang growled.
"BUT BUT BUT BUT NINJA ARE AWESOME AND CAN FIGHT ANYTHING!" the doughy would-be overlord said.
"Barry, you wanted to play a ninja in every game. Then you'd play the ninja once, take damage, and run away crying," Fang said. "At first, we'd allow it. Cyberpunk? Sure, ninjas can be allowed there. Legend of the Five Rings? Appropriate, but only for Scorpions, and you never play anything but Dragons. But when you wanted to play a ninja in Call of Cthulhu, we had to draw the line."
"JAPAN EXISTS IN THAT GAME, SO IT'S ALLOWED," I EAT PASTE MAN said.
"We were playing a game set in the Late Roman Republic! THERE WERE NO NINJAS IN REPUBLICAN ROME!"
"NONE THAT ANYONE -NOTICED-," the pudgy villain yelled with his hands on his hips.
"The entire concept of the ninja wouldn't be created for at least another eight centuries!"
"Ahem!" Commandant Ambinder said into the microphone. "Cadet Lubawicz, would you please just arrest this man and be done with it?"
"Yes sir!" Fang shouted as he grabbed the deck of cards in Barry's shirt pocket.
"OH NO NOT MY CARDS!" I EAT PASTE MAN shouted. "WE'RE GONNA--" I EAT PASTE MAN's diatribe was cut short as the giant metal monster winked out of existence and both he and Fang fell thirty feet to the ground. Fortunately, there was a lot of snow covering the ground. Fang landed deftly on his feet while I EAT PASTE MAN bellyflopped into the muddy ground beneath the snow.
"OW MY FACE!" I EAT PASTE MAN yelled. "I LANDED ON MY FACE AND IT'S ALL MUDDY AND MY MOM IS GONNA BE MAD WHEN I GET HOME! BECAUSE I DIDN'T GET REVENGE ON YOU GUYS FOR NOT LETTING ME BE A STAR ON THAT ONE SHOW!"
Heph shook his head. "All this stupidity happened over trying to convince us that eating paste was a superpower? Give me a break."
"If he would have shown that he could summon monsters, would you have let him on?" Blue Steel asked.
"Well, Steelie, that'd be a qualified maybe. There were other factors involved."
"Like what?"
"Like not smelling like paste and day-old sweat," Heph said.
"Oh," Blue Steel said. "Good point."
The Commandant of the Academy walked over to Fang. "Well, this is as good start as any to a career, I suppose."
"Thank you, Commandant," Fang said. "I know we were supposed to have a formal swearing-in, but will they make an exception?"
"Eh, probably," Commandant Ambinder said as he slapped an arrest teleport tag on the now-muddy I EAT PASTE MAN.
"I WILL TOTALLY HAVE MY REVENGE ON ALL OF YOU!" I EAT PASTE MAN shouted. "WHEN I RUN THINGS YOU WILL ALL BE BANNED FROM THE STORE! FOR LIFE!"
The pudgy evildoer blinked out of existence.
"I didn't just get an arch-nemesis, did I?" Fang asked.
"We all have to start somewhere, Cadet Lubawicz."
Fang slunk back to the podium. "Sorry, everyone. Barry gets like that sometimes. Also, I'll make sure that he and other... really sad and pathetic villains get taken off the streets before they embarrass the city and themselves. I just wish I could have a better arch-nemesis is all, I guess. Thanks again."
Fang went and sat back down, waiting for the swearing-in ceremony at the end of the graduation exercise. He caught Heph's thumbs-up out of the corner of his eye and smiled. Maybe even the Littlest Werewolf could be the Biggest Hero of them all.
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
Avatar by Scarf_Girl!
[YAY! For Fang!]
Part of Sister Flame's Clickey-Clack Posse
The English language is an intricate high-speed precision tool.Stop using it to bang open coconuts. ~Tokamak
Dark_Respite's Video page
I thought that a really lame supervillain would be a good starter villain for Fang. So, I just recycled I EAT PASTE MAN.
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
Avatar by Scarf_Girl!
The lobby of the St. Martial Banking Enclave was a busy one for a Monday morning. Property taxes were due today, and the were taking in the money for the Etoile Isles government. Naturally there was a hefty "service fee" involved for such transactions, but a twenty-percent surcharge with a 100% guarantee of on-time payments was about the only sure thing in the island chain. Nervous guards kept their hands on their pistols or submachineguns, waiting for one of the patrons to drop his disguise and try to rob the bank.
A small throng of people rushed through the doors as a loud pavement-cracking explosion echoed through the entrance hall. Panicked customers ran up to the current security chief.
"You've got to do something out there! A man is charging down the street destroying everything in his path!" an office worker said excitedly. "We don't want him to come this way!"
"So what?" the security chief said. "He doesn't come in here, he's not my or my mens' problem. Maybe you should go back out there and tell him to attack the Cage Credit Union building across the street." He put his hand back on his holstered gun. "Get in line and shut your hole unless you want to go back out there."
The officeworker complied and got in line.
Outside, Seito was having the time of his life. The genin once known only as Timmy leapt into the air, two red rays of energy trailing his fists as he brought them down into the engine of a delivery van. He smiled as he gathered up more energy for his next attack.
"Attention St. Martial, Seito is here to take on all comers! Can you handle this kind of fight? Check it out! REBOUNDING HAMMER STRIKE!" He hit the delivery van's hood again, sending it flying backwards from the compressed energy in his hands. It landed near a group of Freakshow who took it as a challenge. Seito smiled, and wrapped himself in shadows.
One of the Freaks' Tankers stepped up to the challenge. "LOL NUB! G34RH3D'S GONNA CRUSH YOU!" As the Tank stepped forward, a group of his cronies followed behind him, fanning out so they could all get a shot at this chump in his little blue ninja suit.
Seito smiled and jumped into the air, landing in the midst of the group. He made the sign of the snake and the Freaks began to find their vital signs dropping.
"The Death Shroud covers you all! Say goodbye to living, human filth!" Seito said with glee. He heard the pneumatic hiss as each Freak fired off an emergency supply of Excelsior to remain standing. Seito threw a punch, caving in a Freak's ribcage and followed it up with a whirlwind strike. The lesser Freaks fell to the ground dead, but Seito continued forward without stopping to admire his work.
G34RH3D's huge clawed hands lashed out, cutting the genin all across his harms and torso. Instead of screaming in pain, the ninja smiled and locked eyes with the tank. He channelled the Tank's life energy and mixed it with his own, allowing his grievous wounds to heal almost instantly.
"Ha! Thought you had me, didn't you?" Seito laughed. He gathered up as much energy as he needed. With another shout of "REBOUNDING HAMMER STRIKE!" he connected with G34RH3D, sending the Tank flying through the air and smashing through the wall of the St. Martial Banking Enclave.
The Security Chief was doing his usual duty of harassing the girls in the word processing department when he heard a great explosion and a sound of thumping and rolling. He ran to the teller cages to see a Freakshow Tank that sparked and fumed as its lifesigns dwindled. The Tank's head dangled from a few cords, meeting eyes with the Security Chief.
"F4IL!" the Tank shouted. A high-pitched whine emanated from the dead cyborg's chest.
"OH S-" was all the Security Chief got before the cyborg's power supply exploded with the force of a 500-pound bomb. The building handled the stress easily, as the lobby was designed to channel explosive force away from the important parts of the building and back out into the street. The steps to the bank were covered in blood, grime and body parts as those who could miraculously walk out before dying staggered out into their final look at the sun.
The remaining guards rushed to cordon off the entrance to the vault and safe deposit rooms, not even noticing the trio of businessmen who walked past them. They sat down in an empty cubicle and began to work at cracking the access code to the Cobalt Claymore's hidden accounts.
Yes, Seito was truly earning his keep today.
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
Avatar by Scarf_Girl!
Every night after class it was the same damn thing. Go home, chase away the ninjas that followed him, and deal with homework. Todd Galahad, the Cobalt Claymore, was sick and tired of this. What's worse is that even more of his teammates got involved. A ninja had dropped in on Hephaestus 1 to deliver a note for Todd. Heph was going to be busy, so he dropped it off with Oksah for safe keeping. When Todd finally picked up the letter, he used it to track down the genin who delivered it to Heph. He managed to catch up with the genin in The Gaspee section of Founders Falls. The slanted roof of an apartment block was where Todd finally caught up with the ninja. The ninja was caught in the concussive wave of an explosive shuriken which the Cobalt Claymore used in situations like this. He loomed over the genin, tendrils of shadow wafting off of his body.
"You could have just knocked on my door and handed this to me," Todd said to the dazed ninja.
"Please, young lord, I only did this by your mother's request," the ninja said. "She said it was important that it be given to you by a friend."
Todd broke the seal on the scroll and began to read slowly. Japanese wasn't his best language, so part of him really wished she'd just used English.
Todd,
I have the access codes to your father's accounts in St. Martial now. I fear that this knowledge would still not be enough to convince you to join me and become the next leader of our family. So you should be aware that I have something else of your father's that may be enough to convince you to join me.
It is true that I've always had your father's heart. I now have his soul as well, to use as I please. It is true that I love him, but I'm willing to blot him out of existence for the sake of the clan. Join me or I will test out just how indestructible an immortal soul really is.
Love,
Mom
Todd looked at the genin. "Did you know what was in this scroll?"
"No, young lord, it was for you to read, not me," the grey-clad spy said. "I was told to deliver it to Hephaestus 1 without fail."
Todd scowled. "I need you to convey a message to Mother, then."
The next morning, a jogger near Hutchinson Park found a grey-clad man bound to a tree and being awakened by a flock of ravens who mistook him for carrion. What made the news was a simple one-sentence reply found on a piece of paper stuffed in the man's mouth.
"Fine, I'll be there."
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
Avatar by Scarf_Girl!
[Normal people use email you know... MORE!]
Part of Sister Flame's Clickey-Clack Posse
The English language is an intricate high-speed precision tool.Stop using it to bang open coconuts. ~Tokamak
Dark_Respite's Video page
Since when is a malicious ninja warlord a normal person?
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
Avatar by Scarf_Girl!
Bloody Bay wasn't particularly living up to its name today, a wonderful temporary respite for the remaining survivors of the tiny island. The remnants of the Big Bucks Casino, however, had no respite in its immediate future. The Cobalt Claymore and Mother Aoi were running through the halls, with the young hero being chased by her team of ninja and the ninja warlord trying to capture him as easily as possible.
Kagaku, the ninja who replaced Timmy in Mother Aoi's strike team, attempted to circle around the Cobalt Claymore in order to deliver a knockout strike while the other ninja distracted him. He lunged forward with a fist to stun his opponent, but instead found his wrist entangled in the young hero's long scarf. The Cobalt Claymore twitched his shoulder, and the scarf tightened. He grabbed the scarf with his free hand and pulled it towards him, taking Kagaku off of his feet and headfirst to the floor. The Cobalt Claymore withdrew the chi he expended to use the scarf as a trap, and it became a simple scarf again. The shadowbranding he endured at his mothers' hands gave him an edge, as he learned to manipulate his chi from the memories of the shadow that had been bonded to him. For Kagaku, though, that edge wasn't much more than cheating. He was about to say something when the blade that the Cobalt Claymore was using found its way through his lung, pinning him to the floor with a scream that devolved into a long wheeze. The young hero left the poor genin stuck to the floor as he sped away from the remaining pursuers.
Mother Aoi smiled. He was vicious, just like his father. She watched her son corner another of her genin, and scare him long enough to slash him across the stomach. She almost felt sorry to see her two jonin end the fight quickly by landing a roundhouse kick and leg sweep combo, then securing his arms from reaching for another sword.
"Oh, Todd, that was perfect," Mother Aoi said. "Your father taught you quite thoroughly, didn't he?"
The Cobalt Claymore said nothing.
"Well, the time has come. I know what your father's left for you, I have his soul trapped in a talisman, and I have a third reason why you'll take over the family from me. It needs someone more virtuous than me to run it."
"What?" Todd said in surprise. "What do you mean by 'virtuous,' Mom?"
"I'm tired of this life, son, but it's the only one I know. If I continue as leader, then I'll end up ruining the thing that the Maeharas have built over the centuries. It has degenerated and become too corrupt to continue without a new master to guide it. It needs to be more heroic, if you will."
The Cobalt Claymore lay on the floor. "That has got to be the dumbest thing I have ever heard you say, Mom. Listen, I already made up my mind. I wouldn't put it past you to trap Dad like that, and whatever is in those vaults is of little concern to me."
"I didn't think you'd believe me when I said I wanted to reform the family. I thought it might help a bit to say that, though. You still say no, then?" Mother Aoi asked.
"No. I'm taking the job," the Cobalt Claymore said. "If you truly have Dad's soul trapped, you'll release him once I take over. I doubt the idea of hurting the man you love is something you like."
Mother Aoi smiled under her mask. "My son, you have no idea how happy this makes me."
"Naturally, though, we'll need to keep this a secret. Tradition must be maintained and all that," the Cobalt Claymore said. "You will no longer make any of the decisions once I become the head of the family. Your words will have no weight of authority."
"I understand," Mother Aoi said. "I will also not stand in the way of your engagement and eventual marriage to that young woman."
"Is that so? Why not? Is it her looks? Her intelligence?"
Mother Aoi smiled again under her mask. "Do you not see the wisdom of adding the ability to breathe water to our family line?"
"That's your reason? That's it?" the Cobalt Claymore sputtered.
"It's good enough for me. I have what I want, a proper leader for my family, and you have what you want, your fiancee. As far as I am concerned, we have a deal."
"Fine," the Cobalt Claymore said. "It's done."
After all this time, Mother Aoi finally got to see the reward of her stubborn efforts. Victory was still as sweet as ever.
"I'll see you soon, boy," Mother Aoi said. With a wave, she and her entourage disappeared through a shadow portal. The Cobalt Claymore was left by himself in the ruined casino.
"How am I gonna get out of this one?" the Cobalt Claymore asked himself softly.
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
Avatar by Scarf_Girl!
Pipewrench stood behind the bar at the KC Hall in Kings Row, cleaning the beer mugs as usual. He figured he could work for his room and board here, since he'd been living in the old business office for months now. He was busy checking on all the mugs when Hephaestus 1 and the Cobalt Claymore came walking in in the midst of a conversation.
"Man, that's got to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard. The Powells were not a family of Communists."
"Mick, seriously, listen to the lyrics! They want Charles in charge of them. Their days, their nights, their wrongs and their rights. They're looking for an authority figure who will dictate every aspect of their lives! He got free rein to get involved in all kinds of misadventures with his buddy while the family worked to support him! He's like the Fidel Castro of New Jersey!"
"So, that makes Willie Aames' character the suburban version of Hugo Chavez?" Heph asked. "Then explain the old military guy and the dad who was always on assignment for the Army."
"The Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. That's a gimme," the Cobalt Claymore said.
"You guys actually discuss this stuff between classes?" Heph asked as he sat down.
"Well, yeah. I'm surrounded by geeks in class. We're history majors. We kind of have to be media junkies. We've got to figure out how old things reveal patterns of human nature and then use them to either imitate what's good and dodge what isn't so good. Read, compare, interpret and apply. That's the job," the Cobalt Claymore said. "We do weird comparisons like that to keep sharp and to entertain ourselves. Besides, it's better than doing math for fun."
Pipewrench snorted and set the mug he'd been cleaning on the bar. "Huh. I thought learnin' history in college was so ya could wear them jackets with the elbow patches, smoke pipes, an' complain 'bout how nobody reads yer books."
The Cobalt Claymore grinned. "Nah, those are just the perks."
Pipewrench shook his head. "That's it. I'm puttin' up a 'No Egghead Discussions' sign above the bar."
Hephaestus 1 nodded. "Seconded."
"All in favor?" Pipewrench said raising his hand.
"Aye," Heph said, raising his hand.
"Opposed? Doesn't matter, the ayes have it. Now, let's talk about the important stuff like boxin', the horse races in Florida an' women."
"Funny you should mention that," the Cobalt Claymore said, "The Romans were well known for leaving all kinds of graffiti in their bars on those same subjects."
Pipewrench put a mug of beer in front of the young hero. "Shaddap an' drink yer beer, junior. It'll put hair on yer chest."
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
Avatar by Scarf_Girl!
Claire Pachowski felt very vulnerable in her apartment at the moment. Her older brother Tommy and her mother were staring at her in surprise. Tommy's girlfriend Saya sat there trying to look distracted by other things.
"All I said is want to date boys," she mumbled over her plate of gnocchi.
"Yer not ready, Claire-head," Tommy said. "Wait a little longer, will ya?"
"I'm ready, though," Claire said. "I mean, I see what you and Saya do--"
"Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoa! Ixnay on the ersonalpay uffstay!" Tommy said waving his hands. "Besides, we're both 18, an' we understand the consequences'a our actions a bit better than you do."
Saya looked at the tablecloth, blushing as much as Tommy was.
Tommy and Claire's mother looked at Tommy and scowled. "I thought I told you the rules about what goes on in my house, Tommy."
"Ya did, Ma. An' Saya an' I ain't breakin' 'em," Tommy said.
"Much," Claire snapped quietly.
The older woman still scowled at her son. "We'll talk."
"How you don't hear them, I don't know, Ma," Claire said. "It wakes me up on Saturday mornings. Maybe you need a quieter bed or more insulation in the wall or--"
"Shut it, Claire," Tommy grumbled as Saya buried her face in her hands. "Ya still ain't ready. Ma hasn't said ya could an' I ain't done with checkin' the backgrounds'a every guy ya fought crime with so far."
"You're doing background checks?" Claire asked.
"Yeah, yer my little sister. As yer older brother it's my job ta watch yer back an' make sure that yer heart don't get too broken."
"So I can never date, then?"
"I didn't say that. I just don't think yer ready fer the big step."
"But I am," Claire protested. "I'm a hero, that's a sign that I'm responsible!"
"It is," Mrs. Pachowski said, "but a hero license doesn't make you ready for a boyfriend."
Claire scowled much like her mother. "I'm totally ready."
"No, you're not," Mrs. Pachowski said, pointing at Claire with her fork. "You are nowhere near ready. Tommy wasn't and look what happened to him!"
Tommy looked at his mother in surprise. "What's that supposed ta mean, Ma?"
"Well, you go all the way over to Japan to seduce this poor girl," Mrs. Pachowski said while pointing to Saya, "and now she's stuck in a long distance relationship!"
"Ma, ya know that ain't what happened," Tommy said.
"There was no seducing," Saya said with embarrassment. "I sort of... threw myself on him after seeing him fight that giant Freakshow Titan. I was... stressed."
"Of course you were, dear," Mrs. Pachowski said. "panic makes you do odd things after a disaster, but that's not one of them."
"Uh, so what'd ya do when Dad came back from his first four-alarm fire, then?" Tommy asked.
Mrs. Pachowski stared a bit at her plate of gnocchi. "That isn't any of your business. Besides, we're talking about Claire here."
"See what'll happen, Claire-head?" Tommy said. "You'll wind up like Ma if ya start datin' now. You'll inta some kinda danger with a guy an' the next thing ya know, bow-chikka-bow-bow."
"Ew," Claire said. "There will be no stress sex. Honest. Hearing Tommy and Saya has kind of killed the idea for me. But I still want to go out with boys without a chaperone."
Mrs. Pachwoski folded her arms over her chest. "No."
"But, mom..."
"No! Either Tommy watches out for you, or you don't go on any dates."
"Whattaya mean me?" Tommy sputtered.
"If you're watching her, then you won't be breaking the house rules."
Tommy shook his head. "So I'm stuck babysittin'?"
Mrs. Pachowski smiled. "Yes."
Tommy pushed his empty plate away. "Well, that's another reason ya ain't ready ta date, Claire. That just makes more work fer me."
"I'm ready!" Claire shouted. "You're the ones who aren't ready!"
"I'm your mother and I say no. You're only thirteen, Claire. Now drop the subject."
"Fine," the young hero mumbled.
Hours later, she snuck out of her bedroom window again and ran off to the internet coffeeshop. There were boys to meet there.
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
Avatar by Scarf_Girl!
((Funny! Actually, it was warm and funny. Sorta like if somebody figured out how to do a good sitcom...))
This was supposed to go up about a week and a half ago, but computer problems led to my using the backup computer instead of my normal one. So, I'm sure the discussion about this idea isn't remembered by any of the Cape listeners. If you do remember though, thanks for the inspiration.
((Much love to Lunar Eclipse and the Cape listeners for this idea.))
*The following program contains footage that was used in a court of law as evidence. Much of it is rather stupid, so we had to edit it here and there for the sake of the children. Viewer discretion is advised.*
Hephaestus 1, Larry McGonigle, and Patrolman Fang were all seated in Larry's office, shooting the breeze. Heph lounged as best he could in the overbuilt chair designed to carry his big metal frame. Fang was sitting formally in a chair, trying to avoid ruining the creases in his uniform trousers. Larry had kicked back in his office chair, his feet up on his desk.
"... and that's how I became the go-to character actor for Paragon Film Partners," Larry said as he finished his story.
"I thought it was because you posted that ad in the Paragon Free Weekly saying you'd take any acting job that counted towards Screen Actors Guild time," Fang said.
"That may have helped a little," Larry said.
The knock on the doorframe took the men out of their little bull session, all turning to look at the person coming in. The familiar faces of Mitch and Clem, Heph's long-suffering recording crew, appeared over a large box of doughnuts.
"Geeks bearing gifts!" Fang said. "We should beware, Heph."
Larry and Heph turned to look at their former partner. "Fang just made a funny. Mark that down, Lar," Heph said.
"Our little boy is growing up so fast," Larry said with a smile, dabbing melodratically at his cheeks. "I'm getting all verklempt here."
Clem looked over the doughnuts at his on-camera team. "The strike's not over, but we're sick of not working," he said. "The remaining writers'll have to figure this out on their own."
Mitch looked over at Fang. "What's with the police uniform, Fang? Going undercover as one of the Village People?"
Fang got to his feet. "I graduated from the academy. I'm a sworn police officer now."
"Congratulations," Mitch said. "We'll need to put real effort into the sidekick auditions, then."
"No need," Heph said. "I found the right guy for the job."
The discussion continued as the scene faded out. After the commercial break, footage from a home video camera appeared on the screen.
----
"All right, all right! Tonight, us three is gonna make HISTORY, bay-bee!" a voice said from off-camera. "We're gonna do somethin' no villain ever done before! An' whatta crew we got! We got Vinnie the Tooth here."
*a screen shot in grainy black and white pops of a dull-looking Family goon. The name "Vinnie the Tooth - the Muscle" appears in a flashy-looking script under the photo*
"Anybody tries ta stop us, I'll fix 'em," Vinnie said.
"Then we got our wheelman, the extraordinary Joey Lugnuts!"
*a grainy black-and-white action photo of a squinty-eyed man driving a car appears, with a caption of "Joey Lugnuts - The Transporter."*
"No one'll ever expect us ta make our getaway like we planned," Joey said. "Nobody!"
"Then we got yours truly, Regular Paulie. I run the show!" Regular Paulie said as he turned the camera to show his face.
*a photo appears of Regular Paulie's round face, done almost as a publicity headshot. "Regular Paulie - The Brains" appears under his picture.*
"The three'a us is gonna do somethin' that nobody else ever done. We're gonna hold up Pocket D!" Regular Paulie said.
----
The scene faded back to Heph and his crew. "To celebrate the return of my recording crew, I decided to put them to work. Ladies and gents, boys and girls, tonight I'm going to show you where heroes and villains meet when they want to get away from it all: Pocket D!" Heph slipped on his brand new Chicago Bears sweatshirt and walked over to a nondescript truck in a nondescript section of Skyway City. He opened it up and the three men hopped in.
"Now, I'm not showing you the real entrance to Pocket D," Heph said. "That's for heroes only, besides, it's not like I'd tell people that it's at 1040 West Addison in Chicago when everyone really thinks it's here in Paragon City. I mean, uhm, er, uh... dammit, the secret is out," Heph said. "Well, I hope that the proprietor will let me in anyway."
The crew got out of the truck after a few moments and walked into a small foyer. They went up to the head of security, who was busy looking at her clipboard.
"Hey, the name's Hephaestus 1. I'm bringing in two guests, media crew," Heph said.
"You're on the list," the security chief said. "Enjoy your stay!"
Heph and his crew got into an elevator, exiting on the next floor, a loud and boisterous area. Two catgirls hung out at the front bar, flirting with the bartender, Boozebot 5000. The big blue cyborg walked by, shaking his head sadly.
"I don't have the heart to tell them that Boozebot only looks like a human," he said. He waved to a couple of regulars he knew as he walked by. "Hey, there's my newest sidekick, Mobius Knight! I'd go over and bother him but he seems to be deep in discussion with his giiiirlfriend," Heph said.
He pointed to the ramp leading up to another series of bars. Upstairs is the busiest bar, the "hero side" Blue Bar. Oddly enough, the villains like it as much as the heroes. What we're gonna do, though is meet the proprietor, DJ Zero. Uhm, put in some earplugs, guys. It's gonna get loud."
The cyborg and his recording crew made their way to Pocket D's giant central platform. Nearby, a large scary-looking man with a giant pink heart on his chest danced in one of the go-go cages.
"That's MANCRUSH. He's got this... thing... for one of the Cape DJs. It could be simple fandom, it could be creepy devotion. I'm betting on the latter."
"MANCRUSH loves you all!" the brute shouted.
"Rumor is that he's trying to convince Lord Recluse to spend enough money to help MANCRUSH become the first man on the Sun," Heph said.
Clem and Mitch just looked at each other and shook their heads as the screen went black.
----
After the commercial, the scene shifted to the home video again. A similar foyer to the one that Heph entered was their current location.
"All right, first thing's first, we gotta get past the bouncer," Regular Paulie said. "Lemme do the talkin' and just keep quiet."
Vinnie the Tooth and Joey Lugnuts nodded. The trio walked up to the head of security, a Succubus in the employ of DJ Zero. "And you are?" she asked over her evil clipboard.
"Family Raver, Family Raver, an' Desperate Guy," Regular Paulie said. he hoped his Hawaiian shirt, opulent chest hair and gold Scorpio medallion would make him look enough like Pocket D's legendary smooth talker.
The succubus blinked. "Desperate Guy, huh? Prove it."
Regular Paulie's forehead glistened a bit from nervous sweat. He thought as fast as he could. "Uh... hey, baby are you made outta china? 'Cause you are FINE!" he said quickly.
The succubus sneered at him. "Oh, good grief, that's horrible. Go on in."
"Uh, thanks," Regular Paulie said as he pushed the other two thugs into the elevator before they could talk.
----
When the show returned from a commercial break, Heph and crew were hanging out with the heroes and villains at The Cape's regular Tuesday night show. DJ Logos was winding down his set while heroes like the elusive Shutterbug and villains like Thresher Shark hung out, danced a little and talked smack.
Heph walked in and mingled his way into the crowd. "Hey gang."
Lunar Eclipse popped his head up from the conversation he'd been having with Mikuruneko. He looked at Heph's sweatshirt and smirked. "The BEARS? What's wrong with you?" he asked.
"This is a time I wish I could have mechanical eyebrows. That way I could raise one in an 'Excuse me? Did you just talk smack about my team or is that just your neck breaking wind?' manner," Heph said to the camera crew. He turned back to Lunar Eclipse. "I'm from Chicago. What were you expecting, the Argos?"
----
Regular Paulie brought the camera back out once they'd gotten to the dance floor. "All right, you two, you got your guns but don't use 'em unless ya gotta. We grab the stuff from the capes an' then we... hey, whatta we got fer our getaway car, Joey?"
Joey's squint got even worse when he smiled. "I got it all under control. Our getaway is hidin' in plain sight!"
They made their way to the big dance platform where the Cape was holding its gathering. The three of them drew their guns.
"All right! Everybodys' hands in the air where we can see 'em! This is a hold-up!" Regular Paulie shouted.
"Uh, what he said!" Vinnie the Tooth added.
Joey Lugnuts just squinted.
The three would-be thugs were so busy looking for trouble from the assembled supers that they never noticed the catatonically blissful expression from DJ Zero's face switch ever so slowly to one of stern disappointment. Nor were they watching as he spun slowly around to face them, his eyes glowing a brilliant white.
"My rules are simple. No fighting allowed," the interdimensional DJ said.
"This ain't a fight, it's a hold-up!" Joey Lugnuts said. He was rewarded with a slap on the back of the head and a "Shaddap!" from Regular Paulie.
"Now, are ya gonna hand over the goods, or are we gonna hafta get violent?"
Thresher Shark walked up to the badly-dressed thug. "Please, get violent. I'm bored."
Regular Paulie made his next move. "Vinnie, take one'a the catgirls hostage."
"I don't wanna risk gettin' on Attercap's bad side. You do it, Paulie," Vinnie the Tooth said.
Paulie pointed his gun at a random catgirl, who oddly enough went by the codename Random Catgirl. "Hey, Miss Whiskers, congratulations! Yer our first hostage!" He seemed rather disappointed when Random Catgirl ran past them.
----
Heph's camera crew recorded everything that had been going on.
"I wish I could smile," Hephaestus 1 said. "These guys are a special brand of moron."
DJ Zero floated peacefully in the air. "I said no fighting. I mean it."
"Whatever!" Paulie shouted as he pulled the trigger on his handgun. It did nothing. "Wait... I can't get the safety offa this thing!" he said in surprise and alarm.
The interdimensional host and cosmic linchpin shrugged. "Fine, have it your way. You three are open season."
"I don't like the sound'a that, Paulie," Vinnie the Tooth said.
A dozen superpowered individuals, heroes and villains, united to take the fight to their would-be robbers.
"Joey, what's the getaway plan?" Regular Paulie said.
"Okay, you teleport me ta the truck outside the dance club an' I drive it through the window an' you guys get in an' then we peel outta here," Joey Lugnuts said proudly. "It's just floatin' there! Nobody expected it!"
Regular Paulie looked at Joey Lugnuts. "The truck."
"Yeah!" Joey Lugnuts said.
"Out there."
"Yeah!"
"An' I teleport ya there?" Regular Paulie asked.
"Right, 'cause yer already at the truck by the time we... rob the place..." Joey Lugnuts trailed off. "Wait, that won't work, Paulie. You ain't at the truck."
"We're gonna die, aren't we, Paulie?" Vinnie the Tooth asked.
"Not 'we', Vinnie, just you an' Joey!" Regular Paulie shouted as he threw his two associates in front of him to make his escape.
The supers made short work of the two thugs as an Abba megamix was playing over the sound system.
----
As Regular Paulie tried to stall his imminent beating by hiding near the world's most violently-ill partygoer, he looked at the wristwatch teleportation unit he was wearing. "Press the red button fer Recall Friend," he muttered. He pressed the button and suddenly wondered where his old associate Nicky Razors had gone after doing time at The Zig. He was overcome with feelings of nostalgia as he promised to look Nicky up when he got out of here. Then he realized that he wasn't teleporting Vinnie the Tooth or Joey Lugnuts to him. He looked at the instruction manual again.
"Aeon Technologies is happy that ya bought the Wristport Time Traveler wristwatch with Recall Friend option. Usin' the greatest memory-enhancin' technology known ta the Multiverse, our wristwatch will help bring back yer favorite memories'a yer favorite friends. Note, this is nothin' similar ta the Recall Friend option available on our Team Transportation Wearable Multipurpose Spatial Foldin' Array. This won't teleport ya anywhere. Caveat emptor, suckers!"
Regular Paulie began to weep bitter tears as a giant blue metal hand grabbed his leg and dragged him out of his hiding spot.
----
The perspective shifted back to the unblinking camera of "Serv'd!"
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
Avatar by Scarf_Girl!
Two masked guards wearing tri-corner hats stood watch as a haggard-looking man approached their door.
One of the guards pointed at the man. "Dude! It's Mr. Chekov! Dude! Say 'nuclear wessels!' C'mon say-- aaaaghk!" the guard gagged as a telekinetic grip began choking life out of him.
"I hate when they say that," Coach Bellichick said. "You! Other guard! Let me in!"
"At-- At once, Head Coach," the guard said as he typed in the access code to open the door. The door hissed open and the Patriots coach made his way to his opulent throne. He sat in the throne as his throng of administrators brought him form after form, decree after decree.
The Coach sighed raggedly. "Bring me... Brady."
Within minutes a visibly shaken Tom Brady appeared before The Coach.
"You failed to heed my signals, Brady," Coach Bellichick growled. "I am displeased."
"But Head Coach, I did exactly as you commanded! You said to wait until Randy Moss--"
"I SAID NO SUCH THING!" the man on the red-white-and-blue throne shouted, sending the normally unflappable quarterback to his knees in fear.
"But you said to wait, I heard it confirmed by our Offensive Coordinators in my helmet radio!" the quarterback said.
A nondescript functionary brought forth a cd to The Coach. "This is the recording of last night's radio traffic, Head Coach."
"Play it."
The Coach and the quarterback listened as signals were remixed on the fly, intercepted play calls deliberately misinterpreted, and voice commands lost in the shuffle of static.
"This... this is not what I said!" the Dread Lord of the AFC said. "Who mixed these calls up?"
The functionary looked at The Coach and then bowed his head. "We went further into the signal interception, Head Coach, and found the following audio artifacts."
Under the static hiss of the signals could be heard the chant "J! E! T! S! JETS! JETS! JETS!" from a small group of people.
"So, ya think yer gonna win tonight, ya big cheater? No way! We got the goods on yer dirty ways, Coach! The Knives of Artemis ya had infiltrate the other teams were more than willin' ta tell us what we needed ta know 'bout yer communications system, so we hacked it an' fed ya what ya wanted from yer plants near the Giants bench, just a bit different than how ya wanted it! I might not like the Giants, but I hate signal-interceptin' playbook-stealin' coaches even more! So, enjoy yer off-season, Bellichick! Ya earned it! J! E! T! S! LET'S GO JETS!"
The Coach's mouth twisted cruelly around one name.
"Pachowski."
Tom Brady looked at his coach. "So, can I leave now?"
"No, Tom Brady-3, you have failed me. For this you must pay."
"Tom Brady-3? What's that supposed to mean?"
The Coach pushed a button on his throne, which caused the wall behind him to separate, revealing a huge line of clone vats with players' names on them. "You will not be missed," The Coach said as he pressed another button, causing the traditional trapdoor to a fiery doom to appear beneath the quarterback's feet.
"Now, ready Tom Brady-4. He has a press conference to attend." The Coach was most displeased.
He raised his fist to the sky and shouted "CURSE YOU, PACHOWSKI! YOUR BELOVED JETS SHALL NEVER SEE THE LOMBARDI TROPHY AGAIN! SO SWEARS BELLICHICK!"
((The reference to names and events during the regular season have been trumped up to ridiculous levels for the sake of thumbing this Colts fan's nose at their AFC rivals. Tune in next time for a rousing rendition of "Mike Holmgren Writes Brad Hasselbeck's and Brett Favre's Names in the Book of Grudges."))
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
Avatar by Scarf_Girl!
((Always be careful what you ask for...Sometimes learning that can be painful.
I have been reading the thread from the beginning, but, I like this very much.))
Shae Firewarder