theHedoren

Okay, all:

My queue is down to two arcs, and no new submissions are coming in.

On the whole, I'm glad I started this thread as a "quid-pro-quo" system. I've received loads of useful feedback, and I now have plenty of tuning and rewrites to keep myself busy with (including a total overhaul of #4384 ).

Since the queue is almost depleted, I am temporarily removing this thread's QPQ status. That's right: for the time being, it's no longer a requirement to review my arcs first! 'Course, I won't complain if you still decide to put me to the test, but don't feel like you have to.

And for those of you who would like me to review a second arc, just let me know!

[ QUOTE ]
Do you have any idea how many times I've had to fix those [censored] stupid navbar text clues? I swear, I've spent more time on those things than the entire rest of the arc put together.

[/ QUOTE ]
Whenever something like this pops up, my gut response is to assume author error. Maybe I'm just getting cynical with my MA experience. Either way, since I've had the good fortune not to encounter this in my own arcs, I can only imagine the amount of /headdesk you must endure during the day.

[ QUOTE ]
...your first meeting with the Urchin (his actual name is Jake, if you care, but it really isn't important) is a psychic projection on his part- the psychic-ness is also how he's sensing all this crap.

[/ QUOTE ]
If it's any consolation, it was very clear throughout the arc that he had psychic sensing abilities.

[ QUOTE ]
Praetorian trash (the fact that it's from Praetoria and has basically been marinating in bad vibes at the asylum is what makes it ominous, not the fact that it's trash) in Paragon City seems a reasonable clue, and the fact that it's directly related to Mother Mayhem, well... I don't know; it just doesn't seem like all that much of a logical leap to me.

[/ QUOTE ]
Admittedly, it's not a huge stretch to assume that Praetorians are involved. But to say something specific -- like "Mother Mayhem must be here" -- when the only evidence is her name on an old wrapper....

I could definitely see this working if you introduced some kind of contact with the Urchin (in the chat window text, maybe?). Depending on the range of his powers, maybe he could sense her presence from the psychic traces in the wrappers, kinda like an ESP bloodhound.

[ QUOTE ]
Uhm- the description text says quite bluntly "EB/AVs present". Mother Mayhem's involvement is a plot point that I didn't really want to give away, to be honest :/

[/ QUOTE ]
In all fairness, I'm having a tough time thinking of a subtle way to announce her without giving anything away. Maybe have some highlighted text in the Intro that says something like, "Be prepared for the worst"? I dunno....

As far as AV/EBs go, I knew going into the arc that I'd be facing at least one, probably at the end. Ideally, though, there would be some kind of warning before accepting each mission if I should expect a big fight soon. Not exactly a set rule, but it seems to be a common opinion that I happen to share.

[ QUOTE ]
I'm pretty sure I just had you feel something 'wrong' about the box, not 'ominous apprehension'

[/ QUOTE ]
This was likely a mis-interpretation on my part. But it starts to make sense now that you've mentioned that it's been "marinating in bad vibes". Maybe you could include something like that in the mission? Without it, I don't usually sense anything "wrong" with average-looking cardboard boxes.

[ QUOTE ]
... I appreciate the compliment, but didn't you say at the start of the review that you found them bland? O.o

[/ QUOTE ]
I apologize for the inconsistency. By the time I was finishing my review, I was also running through the arc a second time to make sure I didn't miss anything important, and the Childhood Fears were definitely growing on me by then.

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
uninteresting/irritating Contact

[/ QUOTE ]
That's something I'm going to have to work on, I guess- any suggestions (well, beyond fixing the dialogue inconsistencies, obviously).

[/ QUOTE ]
IMO, interesting characters feel like they exist outside of just the one story. They have their own friends, pastimes, histories and... well... lives. For them, this story is just a single moment in time, and then they'll continue doing other things.

Also, never underestimate the power of personal quirks. Maybe he ends every other sentence with a question, or consistently pronounces certain words wrong. If all else fails, put more of yourself into the character.

[ QUOTE ]
I suppose that's what I get for trying for an arc as subjective as a horror one

Assuming I ever manage to get the navbar text working right again (yes, it actually used to work properly, although that's starting to feel more and more like a distant, happy dream -_-), do you think a second runthrough would change anything?

[/ QUOTE ]
Horror is extremely difficult to pull off in a medium that has little control over the audience. I certainly don't think I could make the grade. Like comedy, there's no middle ground; either the players get it or they don't.

Fixing the Nav bar issue would be a substantial improvement, if it is indeed fixable. That alone should bump it to the next star.

With a few tweaks here and there, I would absolutely be willing to re-run your arc. I feel bad giving such a harsh review. I was in a "brutally honest/cynical" mindset at the time, and am normally a much more lenient grader.

Keep me posted!

RESPONSE TO EDIT- Aggressive-schmaggressive. I wouldn't worry about it.

Wow. Someone's got their work cut out for them.

Arc Name: Small Fears [SFMA]
Arc ID: 12285
Morality: Heroic
Author: @Wall of Knight
---
Paragon City is a place that stretchs “the norm” to the very edge. Wandering within the city’s limits are all manner of aliens, mystic warriors, animal hybrids and demonic apparitions. It would be something extraordinary indeed to faze a citizen of the city of heroes.

And so I went into “Small Fears” with high expectations, which might be unfair to the author. Something that instills absolute terror in the innocent should, at the very least, make some positive impression on me.

I’m contacted by a teenager called “Oracular Urchin” -- he claims his name is not important. It seems that something is advancing on our city with the intention of terrorizing the populace and driving us back into our childhood fears. Naturally, it decided to start with those already living with childhood fears -- aka: the children. My Contact asks me to go and free several youngsters from a school besieged by this darkness. (He corrects himself mid-sentence during the briefing, so I’m instantly suspicious of his motives.)

When I arrive at the school I find it filled with Childhood Fears, personified by ferocious beasts, evil clowns, and schoolyard bullies. A few have some interesting designs, but most are unimpressive and lacking the terror they’re supposed to instill. I make short work of this mission by rescuing three captured children, all verbally trembling and mentally traumatized. One of them is -- surprise! -- the Oracular Urchin. He claims he had to keep his indentity secret, so as not to be overheard. Overheard by what? Wait… does this mean that my initial contact was nothing but an apparition? I’m confused….

The Urchin now insists that the monsters were merely “feelers”, and that the true horror has yet to reveal itself. He senses a presence in an office building, and I’m sent to investigate…

…and sure enough, the entire building is crawling with Childhood Fears. My instincts -- and the Compass text -- tell me there’s something strange nearby, so I go searching for clues. What I find is indeed strange: a box full of old candy wrappers from the Praetorian Earth. How do I know it’s from Praetoria? The factory that manufactures them doesn’t exist on our Earth, and they’re covered with ads for a “spa” run by Mother Mayhem.

But my work is hardly finished. I continue deeper into the office, which leads me to a cave, which drops me into the sewers and… it’s Mother Mayhem herself! And not only that, but she’s noticeably paranoid about a mysterious someone-else. So much so that she’s “weeping in fear”. She even begs me to help.

The Urchin is very upset that I couldn’t stop the source of the monsters, but he senses the thing in a hospital in a different dimension. Three guesses, and two don’t count….

Indeed, Mother Mayhem’s asylum is teeming with the fear-eating monsters and -- at the far back of the hospital -- I finally meet her: a nightmarish dark demoness named Phobia. I waste no time in showing her why she should be afraid of me. And as soon as Phobia is vanquished, Mother Mayhem appears to reclaim her twisted playground. But she still wasn’t happy to see me, for some reason.

See, it was her fault all along. She somehow persuaded Diabolique (aka: Praetorian Numina) to give her a mystical ritual that somehow involved the mind. And since Mother is such a renowned sorceress, of course she manages to perform the ritual successfully. What she didn’t understand, though, is that the ritual was meant to summon a demoness that “eats minds”. She soon found her new companion to be uncontrollable, and that’s when I entered the story.

There are problems with nearly every aspect of this arc. For starters, all three missions have some issues with the way objectives are listed in the Navigation text. In the first mission, my objectives upon entering are: “Tad, 2 children to find and get to safety”. A short way inside, I find the first child (named Tad); I defeat his captors and lead him to the exit. When he’s safely outside, his objective disappears from the Nav bar. No problem. Farther inside, I find the second child (named Marilee). I defeat her guard monsters and the Nav text changes to “Tad, 2 children to find and get to safety”. Uh… what? I lead her to the exit and the objective becomes merely “Tad”. I free the Urchin and the mission ends.

But that’s not all! I ran this arc a second time (to try and clarify some plot points). This time, I decided to rescue the children in reverse order, starting with the Oracular Urchin. After defeating his guards, the Nav text became, “2 children to find and get to safety, 2 children to find and get to safety”. It stayed this way until I had rescued all three objectives.

I’m not sure what was causing these bizarre Nav directions, but I imagine it has something to do with misplaced text and/or mistakes with objective chains.

The next two missions have a different problem, namely the untimely revelation of information. For example, the beginning Nav text in Mission 2 is, “A strange feeling from above… A clue, maybe?, Mother Mayhem must be here. Find her!” Setting aside the awkward phrasing and absurd jump in logic, I had absolutely no way to know that Mother Mayhem was here from the start; the Clue that vaguely hints at her involvement was half-way through the mission, and even then it would take a huge amount of suspension of disbelief to infer that Mother Mayhem was present.

The third mission has a similar issue by referring to the final boss as a “fear demoness” from the outset. Again, there’s a clue partway through the mission that helps to explain this (though not very well).

Maybe I’ve been sheltered up until now, but it seems like I’m finding more and more arcs lately that launch AV/Ebs at me with little-to-no warning. There are three AV appearances in this arc: two instances of Mother Mayhem, and one of the custom Phobia. Now, I assumed that Phobia would be something fearsome and powerful, so that could be forgiven. Kinda. But for Mother Mayhem, I was given zero warning until I was inside the mission, and in the final mission she spawned directly between me and the exit. Let me say, she’s one AV I do not want to be unprepared for; I was defeated 3-4 times both times I faced her. And eight-ish faceplants adds up to a lot of debt.

The Contact himself had his annoying moments, mostly in the form of inconsistant personality and awkwardly-written dialog. He’ll switch erratically from clear-minded and sensible to incomprehensible, panicky gibberish.

In fact, all three children in this arc use an uncomfortable amount of ellipses (…). In sparing amounts, these can make dialog text seem more alive, like a person is actually speaking. But the deluge present in this arc make the characters sound like they’re all having asthma attacks; I understand that this is meant to indicate fear, but it gets very tedious very quickly.

And speaking of fear, there were too many times that I felt like I was supposed to feel something. All three civilians -- and even Mother Mayhem -- were practically quaking in terror at Phobia and her minions. I myself was told to feel an ominous apprehension when approaching a cardboard box (which later turned out to contain the Praetorian trash). By the end, I had a certain phrase running rampant in my mind: “If I say it enough, maybe it’ll become true!”

For all its faults, I did find one thing I liked about this arc: the custom mobs. Every one of them has a nicely fiendish appearance that truly did echo the childhood anxieties they’re supposed to represent. Phobia herself as a wonderful “ominous shadow” look that I found fiercely appropriate.

This is the point where I’d normally do my catalog of miscellany, but I found no typos or grammatical mistakes at all. At any rate, I believe I’ve mentioned everything already.

So… surprise AVs, bizarre logic/plot holes, inelegant objective formats and an uninteresting/irritating Contact. I’m always unwilling to rate arcs low, but I’d feel dishonest if I rated higher than 2 stars for this arc.

Okay, a few updates based on feedback:

• Multiple text and dialog tweaks to improve the narrative.
• "Civilian Heather" can no longer Fly, due to an irritating bug in Cimeroran caves.
• Dialog given to Patrols in Missions 1 and 2.
• All Captives in Mission 4 were changed to Allies, so they should now be able to run away when you rescue them instead of just standing there.
• All objectives in Missions 2 and 5 have been unchained, and all Collections in these two missions have been reduced to "optional" status (hopefully a noticeable improvement in the Oranbega map)
• Slight costume update for the Centurions to simulate silver tarnishing... I hope!
• Joining up with the combat Ally (Pyralis) in Mission 4 is now optional, but not explicitly stated as such.

And my first score installment is almost finished. It's not even two minutes long, but it's a style I've always wanted to try.

Arc Name: Somewhere to Belong
Arc ID: 118009
Morality: Heroic
Author: @Eryrex
---
Sometimes in our heroic careers, we have to make a choice between following the codes of justice and treading the border of the law. Most of the time, it’s to prevent a greater wrongdoing that we toe the line with a “the ends justify the means” mentality. And my characters aren’t above such a venture if it’s for the greater good.

But still, I was reluctant to accept the task that Longbow Commander Dentz offered me. See, there’s this villain group called “Frostscale”, whose sole purpose is “eradicating hero presense [sp.] in Rogue Isles”. As it turns out, this dinosaur-populated group caught wind of an upcoming hero assassination -- to be carried out by Captain Mako -- and are willing to clue us in if we grant them a “24 hour criminal amnesty”. Cue the horns and sirens; what possible good could come from giving a hero-hating villainous organization a whole day’s worth of get-out-of-jail-free cards?

But since the goal is to protect some random hero I’ve never heard of, of course I’ll turn a blind eye. Still, Dentz wants me to investigate the Frostscale base to verify their claims. And it seems Longbow isn’t the only part interested. The Frostscale HQ is overrun by Arachnos troops, led by none other than Mako’s right-claw lackey, Barracuda. It would seem that Frostscale’s information is on the level, but they refuse to share anything following the trauma and insult of the Arachnos raid on their home. And me being the sensitive altruist that I am, I just let this slide with no followup.

Eventually, Frostscale’s leader manages to compose himself and reveal that a young Defender named “Stargem” is Mako’s target, but the reasoning for this is obscure at best: Stargem has “the remarkable ability to stay alive without any backup hero support”, which deeply offends Mako, apparently. (It’s also said that Stargem is “almost completly [sp.] helpless without protection”; contradictions?)

So naturally, I leap in to snatch Stargem from the shark jaws of death, and in the process I arrest Mako himself. But wait! A member of Frostscale is there too! I rescue the reptilian interloper and she makes a mad dash for the nearest exit. Still, for some reason, I don’t think anything of this little cameo.

And so the assassination is foiled and innocent young Stargem is free to hero it up once again. Mission accomplished, right? Not so fast. Remember Frostscale? The hero-hunting dinosaur cadre with complete immunity from Longbow or any other law organization? It seems they’ve set up shop just outside Paragon City for whatever reason, and are just cooling their heels. Commander Dentz insists that they are out of our jurisdiction, but that’s not good enough for me. As he looks the other way, I make for the Frostscale-occupied office building to see what’s up.

And then, the “wth?” moment: not only has Stargem willingly joined Frostscale, but she has physically transformed into a lizard-like ice-flinging rage machine. After a long and difficult battle -- and she’s screaming insults the entire time -- I defeat the girl I rescued and make the world safe again for heroes.

Where to begin…. This arc is only three missions long, and two missions have surprise EB/AV appearances. Barracuda shows up with no warning at all, and Mako himself is only implied at until you’re inside. As always, I strongly advocate having highlighted text to indicate an AV or a time limit, and I’m sure most people would agree with me. No one likes rounding a corner to find Barracuda bearing down on them.

I’m willing to suspend some disbelief regarding an organization of villainous dinosaurs, but I did not much care for Frostscale. Due mostly to Clues scattered around their headquarters, I felt like their presence was little more than a VG plug.

Stargem raises a whole slew of problems. When I first meet her, she’s a relatively passive empathic healer, who insists that Mako’s arrest comes before her own safety. During her second appearance, she’s become an scaly ice-queen filled with hate. Her reasons for joining Frostscale seem flimsy; “It’s payback for every hero that was never there when I needed them!” The several times she introduces me to the floor, she would say, “What’s wrong, don’t have a healer to save you from your own incompetence?” And when I’m finally victorious, she merely mutters “I’ll kill you” several times. I suppose I’m expected to feel pity, for whatever reason. However, my final impression is that Stargem is nothing more than a former h34lzorz who didn’t get the attention she wanted.

Assorted miscellany:<ul type="square">[*]Typo: Clawsight’s description- “memeber”- should be “member”, also appears in Frostscale Assault’s description[*]Typo: Frostscale Assault’s description- “start of as assaults”- should be “off”[*]Missing word: Stargem’s description- “As a child spent most of her life”- I assume there should be a “she” in there somewhere[*]In most Frostscale descriptions, Frostscale ranks should be capitalized; (eg. Assault, Mauler, etc.)[*]Mission 1: Typo: “Frostscale’s Goal” clue: “presense”- should be “presence”[*]Mission 2: Typo: Intro text: “bargin”[*]M2: Missing word: “we came the conclusion that”- I assume you mean “we came to the conclusion that”[*]M2: Typo: Intro text: “due to the natue of”[*]M2: Typo: Intro text: “completly”- should be “completely”[*]M2: Stargem’s guard says “Oh crap it’s Blue Dragonling! Get him!” Blue Dragonling is my main Blaster, and a noticeably-female character. I’d replace “him” with the “$himher” substitution.[*]M2: Typo: “Stargem” clue: “supposest”- should be “supposed”[*]Mission 3: Typo: Return text: “braverly”- should be “bravely”[/list]This arc is plagued with issues. Many typos, some inexplicable plot twists, surprise AV/EB fights, run-on sentences/“walls-‘o-text”, questionable motivation and a Contact who has less personality than a packing peanut. For the time being, I feel compelled to rate it with only 2 stars

So more of an iridescent bronze-y look. Gotcha. Thanks!

On a related note, I can't find any evidence on whether or not gold will decay or discolor. I don't suppose anyone else knows...?

to ridiculous_girl: I've replied to your helpful review elsewhere, and added Hero Therapy to my queue. Thanks for playing!

to Sumericon: I suppose what I liked most about the first-person setup was that I felt involved in the story -- that I actually was influencing the other characters and not just playing some game.

[ QUOTE ]
At one point, Marshall Brass on Cap au Diable sends you to steal a rocket-pack from the Gold Brickers. During the debriefing he reveals the incontravertible conclusion:

[ QUOTE ]
Dr. Aeon [has] been using the Goldbrickers to carry out thefts and attacks on his own. Trading them technology for their services. Using them as his own secret mercenary force.

[/ QUOTE ]

[/ QUOTE ]
Just one of many bits of lore that I'm totally unaware of! I consider myself reasonably comfortable with the canon (thanks, in part, to the wiki), but I'm not even close to knowing everything.

[ QUOTE ]
True, it's a defeat all, which is supposed to be a no-no, but it's a tiny size map. A solo character will face about 10 mobs on the entire map.

[/ QUOTE ]
I counted 6 mobs. A Defeat-All on a tiny map like this is so far beyond painless, it's not even funny.

Well, maybe just a little funny.

[ QUOTE ]
so are you searching ruins in the past or searching cimeroran ruins in the present? why study ruins in the past? it becomes anthropology rather than archeology...

[/ QUOTE ]
It seems no one is exempt from the consequences of time-travel, even the scientists! My original concept of Dr. Diaz et. al. was from an archaeology angle, but you raise a very valid point about anthropology. (And it's definitely past-Cimerora; I sincerely doubt any Traitors still exist in the present. )

[ QUOTE ]
maybe let the hostages run away?

[/ QUOTE ]
Hostages are a stubborn lot. They won't take emotes, they don't flee for safety, they just stand there and look silly. Maybe if I set them to Allies, I'd have better results.

[ QUOTE ]
where did the keystone come from? i did not see the clue drop... from moment? maybe put that in the defeat text...

[/ QUOTE ]
All it needs is one more bit of text. Easily manageable.

[ QUOTE ]
it can never hurt to add some dialogue text to the patrols [...] i am pretty sure you have plenty of room left over since you have moderate number of customs and a handful of NPCs.

[/ QUOTE ]
Lots of people have been saying this recently, that the first missions are eerily quiet. And while I do agree, it looks like I'm going to have to make some sacrifices to remedy this. As it is, I'm running at something like 99.8% capacity. I suppose I don't really need two versions of Civilian Heather....

[ QUOTE ]
what is going on between "dr dave" and heather?

[/ QUOTE ]
It's not my place to say.

Really, though, my intention was for a strict mentor/mentee relationship based on like-minded interests and academic respect. But I suppose there's no harm in letting the audience draw their own conclusions. Anything to improve the experience!

[ QUOTE ]
if you would run my hero therapy arc, i just updated and added more content. it would be greatly appreciated.

[/ QUOTE ]
So noted. I remember running it back before one of your maps was pulled from the system. In any case, I'll make a special note this time to bring something other than my Fire/Fire Blaster, to avoid another shameful defeat.

Thanks again for your comments!

Not having my queue in front of me right now, I believe I have two more arcs ahead of you. And I doubt I'll know exactly which arc I'll pick until I actually start to play; I usually lean towards newer arcs, but it's certainly not a formal rule.

*Edit: Yup, two more, then one of yours.

Naturally, I'm disappointed that you didn't like "The Double-Edged Sword". But as more and more feedback is coming in, it's becoming clear that I need to do a major overhaul of this arc. While it seemed okay to me at first, I'm definitely noticing some problematic story issues and an uneven pacing. Hopefully it's nothing a determined re-write can't fix.

As for the "Crey are monsters" angle, the arc used to make it clear that the player was breaking into the Crey office and using force to get the information. But that prompted several negative comments, stating that under no circumstances should a Hero be doing illegal search and seizures, even against Crey. While I can understand your standpoint, I'm torn between the two options.

Thanks for taking the time to post a review, and I'm sorry that it didn't strike your fancy. Maybe next time!

To my knowledge, we currently only face Moment twice in the game: once as a DE Greater Devoured, and again as a Rikti Chief Soldier. In his Rikti form, he has access to a Rikti Rifle and a Rikti Sword, so I don't know what to think.

I'm probably taking some liberties by using him in my arc, but I'm not that worried.

I can't believe I didn't think of this before, but I've recently been inspired by a fellow forumite to expand the whole "soundtrack" concept for this arc.

Originally, what I wrote was little more than some theme music. But now that I'm interested, I'm attempting to write individual pieces for each mission. I can't promise it'll go well, as I'm still not terribly experienced. But at the least it'll help me kill some time.

Until I get busy or lose interest, that is.

Arc Name: [ZQ] Power Play
Arc ID: 187269
Morality: Villainous
Author: @Sumerian
---
Right off the bat, I realize that this arc isn’t for everyone. It announces early on that it’s “told in the first person”, which usually means writing a players thoughts for them. This is extremely risky, and can easily backfire if the author is careless.

But @Sumerian is anything but careless in his relatively-short tale of plots, schemes, and technological one-upsmanship. Right away, he cast me as an intelligent villain, a role I have no qualms about filling. All along the way I’m matching wits with Arachnos’ Dr. Aeon and Dr. Creed from Mercy Island, and although there isn’t a clear winner by the end I hardly feel cheated.

Though the actual introduction process is a little vague, I am offered a special assignment from Aeon himself. It seems that dear ole’ Dr. Creed is working on an advanced android project, a project that Aeon sorely covets. So I’m sent in to perform some… diplomacy. But I soon develop plans of my own. See, Creed’s Villainous Artificial Life-form (VAL) is intelligent, self-replicating, and supremely loyal. Naturally I take an interest in this, and decide to let the two bickering scientists do away with eachother, leaving me in control. So I side with Creed and feed Aeon tiny bits of information, just to string him along. I even agree to break into a Longbow base and steal plans of the android VAL is based on (for comparison with Creed’s schematics).

But Aeon is not quite as stupid as he sounds. While I’m busy scrapping with Longbow, Aeon swoops in and kidnaps Dr. Creed -- a task made easier by my previous invasion of Creed’s lair. In an act of supreme arrogance, he commands me to travel to Paragon City and pick up some Clockwork for his research. Which I totally do.

Not. Apparently fed up with the old windbag, I disregard Aeon’s orders and instead go to rescue Creed, who is inexplicably in the grasp of Gold-Brickers. And when I return (with a perfectly reasonable alibi), Aeon is under the assumption that Creed’s robotic minions were responsible for the rescue. But this won’t stand; he’s sent a team to find Creed, but their failure means that it’s now my turn to locate the missing mad scientist.

But not so fast! When Aeon was examing Creed’s darling little AI program, VAL hacked into Aeon’s system and released the location of a restricted facility (along with its security protocol). With Creed’s help, I access Aeon’s little laboratory to find several VAL units running amok and causing trouble for the Arachnos staff. It seems Aeon attempted to build his own VAL model, complete with artificial intelligence and self-awareness. But like a rebellious teenager, VAL refuses to be controlled by Aeon or anyone. I manage to defeat her mechanical body, but her mind escapes.

When I return to Aeon one last time he’s figured a few things out, namely my alliance with Creed. He promises he won’t take revenge on me because in the whole adventure, neither of us saw fit to include a certain multi-legged “you-know-who” in our plans for world domination; basically, if I don’t tell, neither will he. As for our other chessmaster, Creed managed to escape Aeon’s clutches and retreat a safe distance.

If I had to pick one thing to rave about in this arc, it would be the extreme thoroughness the author has taken. Through the Contact, Clues, and mission dialog, nothing is left unexplained. Granted, it took a certain amount of rapt diligence on my part to catch everything, but I was nonetheless impressed. And by the end, if I had any further questions, the Souvenir was an excellent recap of the entire story.

The characters themselves were well-written, with Aeon and Creed acting in a suitably canonical fashion. Their competition was nicely fleshed-out, as was Creed’s rivalry with the unseen Jonathan St. Smythe from SERAPH.

As I mentioned before, most of my thoughts and plans were outlined for me. Personally, I didn’t have any problems slipping into the mindset provided for me, but I imagine some others will not find it entertaining.

The custom army of VAL androids can get a little tedious at times; their physical appearance is mostly identical, except for some slight variations in color and head detail. This makes it difficult to discern their powersets from a distance, making each battle a surprise. And I don’t normally like being surprised by Kinetics.

The third mission was problematic for me. I thought I was supposed to be freeing Creed from Aeon’s control, but instead I ran into a small group of Gold-Brickers. Not only did this severely limit the level range on this one mission, their presence was only hinted at (Creed tries to convince them to work against Aeon for a change). I wasn’t aware that the Gold-Brickers were ever involved with Aeon, but it’s possible I missed something. The whole mission only took two minutes at most, so I guess I can’t complain.

Specific stuff:<ul type="square">[*]I… I don’t seem to have any for this arc. No typos, no errors, nothing.[/list]On the whole, “Power Play” is an excellent story of scheming and… well, power plays. The gameplay is anything but a challenge, but this allows for more focus to the story. Still, the arc requires a lot of attention to clues and dialog if you want to fully grasp what’s taking place. The few issues I had were far closer to non-issues if I’m willing to be even slightly lenient. So in closing: clever story + clever enemies + clever ME = 5 stars.

Just out of curiosity, what does [ZQ] stand for?

Thanks for your feedback!

[ QUOTE ]
...wasn't Pompeii destroyed something like 550 years prior to when Cimerora is set?

[/ QUOTE ]
Frankly, I have no idea. But the Pompeii Gladius was a specific type of Roman sword that was used in many parts of the Empire.

[ QUOTE ]
...weren't Hephaestus' golden constructs supposed to be golden women?

[/ QUOTE ]
The Copper Legion itself is separate from any existing myths. In any case, I figure Hephaestus/Vulcan wouldn't be happy merely re-using one of his existing designs.

[ QUOTE ]
Operation... wait, what? Why am I taking part in an op named after whale vomit?

[/ QUOTE ]
You're thinking of ambergris, which does indeed come from whales.

Verdigris is a crusty green substance that appears when copper is exposed to weather for a long time. It's why the Statue of Liberty is entirely green; the statue is made of copper, which has since become covered in verdigris.

[ QUOTE ]
Minor typo- 'vertices to disable'- er... guessing that should be 'vortices' (plural of 'vortex')? Maybe?

[/ QUOTE ]
Actually, I used "vertices" intentionally, as each "vertex" is the intersection of magic lines. But since your's is a common reply to this, I may think about changing it....

[ QUOTE ]
Wow, glowies can spawn in some funny spots- finally found the last one, tucked into a crypt O.o

[/ QUOTE ]
Yay for the MA with its random and meaningless spawn points!

[ QUOTE ]
honestly this feels a bit... Hellboy 2.

[/ QUOTE ]
By sheer coincidence, I first saw Hellboy 2 mere days after writing this arc. At first I was bothered by the similarities, but a few re-writes had me feeling better.

[ QUOTE ]
Also, who was "Janus"? It was never explained, and I'm not familiar with the character (well, aside from the Roman god of gate-guarding and [u]two-facedness[u] etc...)

[/ QUOTE ]
Exactly.

Thanks again for your comments, and consider yourself queue'd!

[ QUOTE ]
Second, the ally flies. Which means she can occasionally get stuck in the ground when she decides to stop flying.

[/ QUOTE ]
This happened to me once, but I couldn't figure out why. Fly has now been removed from all "Civilian Heather" models.

[ QUOTE ]
If the copper guys are verdigrised, the silver guys should be pretty tarnished.

[/ QUOTE ]
I've added some discoloring to the Centurions; hopefully that's what tarnished silver looks like.

[ QUOTE ]
I find one vortex in a side chamber and the last 6 in the end room.

[/ QUOTE ]
Oh, I'd love it if they all spread out evenly! But the MA has other plans, apparently.

[ QUOTE ]
I get only a second of warning about the upcoming boss fight when I spot a ritual taking place on the narrow side of a blind corner.... And he looks like Scirocco because....?

[/ QUOTE ]
Boss placement is too arbitrary. Half the time he spawns in a blind alley, no matter what I try. I can only hope the flashy effects give people some kind of warning.

And I picked Scirocco at random. I figured a shapeshifter could easily be changed later if I needed to, but I've since received feedback that Scirocco seemed appropriate for a mystic arc.

As always, thanks for the feedback!

Arc Name: Entrusted with the Other Secret
Arc ID: 120462
Morality: Neutral
Author: @ObsidianDevil (AKA: “parkin”)
---
I’m not exactly a rocket scientist; I like to think that I’m at -- or even slightly above -- average intelligence. In any case, one of the more challenging concepts I’ve tried to write involved time-travel and… well, let’s just say that it didn’t go very well. There are so many ways to lose track of time streams or misplace entire causalities, and hundreds more methods of confounding readers.

By the end of “Other Secret”, I was thoroughly in the dark. The amount of twists, time-loops, sudden revelations and alternate characters is overwhelming at times, and I’m still not sure exactly what happened.

It begins when I’m contacted by Mender Tesseract for a specific task -- one that only I can complete, due to my involvement in future events. It seems some ne’er-do-well is mucking about in the time stream and causing all kinds of corruption; the Menders are all locked out and unable to intervene. Which is where I come in. After fighting against an assault from a sort of anti-Ouroboros group (“Time-lock”), I find out that my ultimate fate directly allows Time-lock to break into Ouroboros.

Upon my return, Tesseract is quite upset with my failure to stop the corruption. She once again sends me into the future, but this time slightly before the Time-lock assault. I’m not sure if I foiled the attack or not, but I discovered that some outside force is providing Time-lock with the temporal virus. After some more snooping in a 5th Column base, I find the source of the mysterious messages: a small drive hidden in the Column’s email server. (I think the word “drive” may be a mis-use; a drive is normally a data storage device, which doesn’t seem to match its appearance in this arc.) I remove the drive and Tesseract declares the time stream to be fixed.

But just to be sure, she sends me through time again to check on Time-lock’s raid. This time, things are different. Many notable Menders are already dead of mysterious causes, and Time-lock itself is a group of refugee Menders cast out of Ouroboros by some traitorous comrades. When I return to Tesseract, she’s figured a few things out. Firstly, she is the one who created the mystery drive (or rather, her future-self did). She will discover the traitor Menders and stop the corruption of the time stream, but will lock herself out as well. So one last time I defy laws of spacetime, this time to return the drive I removed from the 5th Column’s base. And finally, all is well.

But it turns out that writing all this down didn’t help my comprehension of the finer points. For starters, much of the plot hinges on the presence of “corruption” of the time-stream. Setting aside that this is a vague and oft-repeated term, I never understood who started the distortions to begin with. Was it Time-lock, in an effort to beat down the Menders of Ouroboros? Or was it Tesseract trying to stop Time-lock? Or was it my future self?

And what is the purpose of Tesseract’s drive? Does it create these time-malfunctions, or is it merely a way to send anonymous messages? And why does the corruption get worse when I remove said-drive from the 5th Column?

Even without the unexplained intricacies of the story, I was often confused by the author’s writing style. Odd phrases and awkward grammar runs rampant throughout the text, causing me to re-read everything at least twice. I found this to be a huge hindrance in deciphering an increasingly-convaluted time-travel story.

Some smaller things:<ul type="square">[*]Typo: Shock Sergeant’s description- “Sargent”[*]"Mender" is a title, and should remain capitalized when used in the context of Ouroboros. [*]Mission 1: Typo: Time Shift’s Clue: “concider”[*]M1: Didn’t Tesseract say that Menders were temporarily barred from interfering? If so, why does she appear in this mission?[*]Mission 2: Typo: Sendoff text- “Oroboros” is missing a “u” (this occurs in at least 3 other places: M2 Patrol dialog, M4 Navigation text, and M5 Intro text)[*]Mission 3: Typo: Return text- “…its worth doing yourself.” - should be it’s[/list]I feel like there’s definite potential in this arc, but it’s weighed down by some inelegant writing and too many loose ends. For now, it strikes me as a 3-star arc, but I do hope it will become tighter and more refined in the future.

True, the time limit warning was colored orange, but so was the rest of the text in that paragraph. The warning itself blends right in.

Your next paragraph was an example of the right way to do this, IMO:
[ QUOTE ]
I must warn you, Berith is very strong, and his strength is only enhanced by his allies. If you can bring teammates, I strongly urge you to do so.

[/ QUOTE ]
The flavor text is default white, and the differently-colored warning itself is bright and eye-catching.

Wow. You really threw me a curve ball, here!

The good kind, mind you. This arc has been around since Beta, and was my first attempt at a story arc. I've become so familiar with the plot that I couldn't imagine it any other way, despite several issues that keep popping back in. But you're comments raise some very interesting concepts!

Until my internal deliberation is finished, I see I have some minor re-writes to busy myself with. Should be fun.

Thanks for the feedback!

Arc Name: Legacy Chain Task Force
Arc ID: 4824
Morality: Heroic
Author: @Alyiah
---
I had several issues with this arc, to be honest. A few of the maps used seemed unecessary. The grand unifying storyline didn’t seem as urgent as the Contact (a Legacy Chain sorcerer named Abernathy) made it sound. And several times I found myself mentally disagreeing with Abernathy -- due to questionable missions or fallacies in his logic.

For example, the very first mission needed me to recruit some former SG mates of the Big Bad (named Berith) to stop a plan to summon ultimate darkness and destruction. My objective was to persuade Berith’s former allies to aid in battle “against their old friend.” To me, this sounds like I need to convince the SGers (from a group called “Conjurers”) to betray someone they still consider a friend, despite Abernathy’s claim that Berith tortured two of them into madness.

In the next mission, my task is to Escort the Conjurers’ former leader out of the Zig. Her crime? Accidentally blowing up a schoolbus full of children. Abernathy seems to sense my apprehension in breaking someone out of prison, because he says many times that it’s the only way -- “Assuage your guilt with the knowledge that what we do serves a higher purpose. This is the calling of a true hero.” So I go in, knock out several Longbow guards and lead Aimi the Conjurer to freedom. Where to begin…. My first thought was something like, Why is breaking into prison our only option? Surely we could arrange something with the government if the entire world is at stake…? But no, I have to go in become a criminal myself. And Aimi’s Clue didn’t help my opinion; she is depicted as extremely violent and aggressive, so much so that I had to drag her away from beating down inmates and Longbow guards alike. Even at the mission exit, her only concern is exacting her revenge on Berith. Not revenge for the innocent schoolchildren, mind you. Her revenge.

After a quick research venture to Oranbega, I’m finally off to defeat Berith himself. But not before the clumsy revelation that Abernathy himself is a former Conjurer. But he doesn’t reveal this unprovoked -- it was apparently my character’s guess that convinced him to come clean, even though I had little-to-no evidence to support as much as a hunch. But hey, now maybe Abernathy will join us to save the world from evil! Wait… no, he starts to give an excuse for why he has to skip this one, but he trails off and leaves it unfinished. If I didn’t feel used before now….

The AV fight did not go well. I’m still not sure if it was the character model used (Baron Zoria?) or the fact that all my “essential” Conjurer allies were a joke in combat, but I managed to pull off three quick faceplants with barely a scratch on Berith. At this point I wasn’t invested in the story enough to run through my alts and try again.

Anything else:<ul type="square">[*]Mission 2: The 3 optional supervillains (Dreck, Maestro, and the Clockwork King) seem unecessary and out-of-place wandering about the Zig’s exercise yard. They just struck me as filler material.[*]Mission 4: I always recommend highlighting warnings for AVs and time limits. I had no problems finding warnings of the upcoming fight with Berith, but I would’ve completely missed the mention of an hour timer if I wasn’t reading closely. While I don’t consider an hour as anything to panic over -- plenty of time to get things done – I’d still prefer to know in advance.[/list]From a mechanical standpoint, this arc was virtually flawless; I couldn’t find any typos or grammatical errors. Still, the many inconvenient quirks and the overall unimpressiveness of the plot didn’t sit too well with me. Since I was unable to complete the arc, I did not rate it. If I had to guess, it would probably have received 3 stars.

Thanks for your review! While I'm disappointed at the number of sticking points you had, I'm always glad to have honest feedback.

Coincidentally, I made a few text changes between when you wrote your review and when I found this thread. Granted, they're not major changes. Just little things, like the book-keeper's Clue containing more detail about the legion's location and the identity of the final enemy.

As far as Allies go, I've been struggling for a while to find some sort of balance, especially in the AV fight. I felt that the story demanded for them to be there, but I definitely don't want a non-interactive experience for the player. Perhaps some more tweaking is in order.

I must admit, it never occurred to me to write music for each mission individually. I'm still an amateur hobbyist, and composing actual score is something I haven't attempted yet. But now the idea is in my head, and I'll have to try it and see what happens!

Thanks again for your feedback!

[ QUOTE ]
Not sure, but I think an ambush hit me after clicking a glowy. No warning text, which is no big deal with a scrapper, but will cause squishies some issues.

[/ QUOTE ]
I don't remember adding any enemy ambushes to this arc. This was probably just an unfortunate coincidence involving some sneaky mobs.

[ QUOTE ]
2 of the 5 test subjects became allies, the other 3 were captives and left. I have mixed feelings on this. 5 allies would be overkill, but having some turn and run while others help is a bit disconcerting to the player.

[/ QUOTE ]
I definitely didn't want an army of Allies doing all the work; I've played too many arcs already where I felt like a mere spectator. The idea was that the NPCs that didn't fight had reasons: Alex barely had any powers (like Will, from the previous mission), Abby was extremely panicky and claustrophobic, and Josephine was just too out of it to be of any use. Still I've tweaked some animations and dialog to make things a little more natural.

[ QUOTE ]
...in chapter 5, Josephine has joined the Carnies and I have to go defeat her. This is the weakest part of the story.

[/ QUOTE ]
I can't believe I missed this! I only had a single line from a single NPC concerning Josephine's interactions with the Carnies. Hopefully some new text I added to Mynx's dialog helps convey that the Carnies found Josephine, were quickly subdued, and are now under her complete psychic control.

Thanks for your feedback! Your comments and recommendations were very helpful, and many have already been applied in some form or another.

Hercules, you didn't specify which arc you preferred me to look at, so I chose one at random. I hope that's okay!


Arc Name: Tales of Croatoa: A Rose By Any Other Name....
Arc ID: 178774
Morality: Heroic
Author: @Silvers1 (AKA: “Hercules”)
---
Emotional responses can be tricky to control with a format like the MA system. Humor can be relatively easy to achieve. The feeling of epic-ness is a bit harder, but still appears on an acceptable basis. But thus far, I have only encountered two MArcs that actually touched me on any meaningful emotional level. The first was “The Echo”, by MrCaptainMan. The second is “Tales of Croatoa...”.

Mechanically, the arc is nothing unusual. There are a few Captives to rescue, some disruption of villainous rituals, an AV showdown… the standard fare.

As for the story, it begins rather innocently. You’re wandering around, minding your own business, when Hey! You run into a mysterious girl. Who happens to be… well… dead. I instantly form certain assumptions and expectations. A child as old as Rose (the Contact) isn’t exactly a reliable witness or narrator. They are prone to strong and immediate emotions, and will do whatever they feel like with little inhibition. Add this to the fact that Rose is clearly deceased, it becomes an instant warning that things won’t be what they seem.

Which is a good thing, don’t get me wrong. I like to be legitimately surprised, and I wasn’t disappointed. The first mission alone ended with a twist that seemed so obvious after the fact, but still caught me offguard. And the best reveal comes at the end of Mission 3, so be sure to read Rose’s Return Dialog; I thought this was no less than brilliant, in concept and execution.

There’s a relatively light cast of characters running around in this arc, but each one performs consistantly and appropriately. Okay, maybe the final AV felt a little stock-footage, but not overly so.

If I had to criticize anything, it would be the way thoughts and actions are forced onto the player, mostly during interactions with Rose. The arc first requires me to be awkwardly sensitive to the ghostly child’s worries and needs. Then, as events unfold, I seem to take an incredibly strong personal interest in the missions. At one point, it’s implied that I’m nearly torturing a Cabal witch to get information to help Rose’s family. Granted, it’s fleeting and implicit, and may be due to my own interpretation of the text. But it might not suit everyone’s characters.

I was also a bit disconcerted by the occasional jump in level range. I understand that some thematic groups are limited to certain ranges, so it’s never a major gripe of mine. But I was at a noticeable disadvantage during the AV fight.

Time for specifics (which seems to be my shtick):<ul type="square">[*]Mission 3: An unnecessary period in Nav bar text: “3 Fir Bolg to free.”[*]M3: Some of the wording of Jack’s Clue felt a bit awkward, particularly when he mentions the Amulet and Rhiannon.[*]Mission 5: Perhaps you could highlight the AV warning in the Intro Dialog? As it is, it blends into the rest of the text, and might be an unpleasant surprise to someone who missed the arc’s description. Simply making the warning bold or italicized should be enough.[/list]I expect it’s arcs like this that’ll make me glad for starting this thread; it’s unlikely I would’ve found it otherwise. The Contact is endearing and tragic at the same time, the plot moves at a relaxed pace appropriate for a mystery arc, and the outcome is delightfully bittersweet. I can easily imagine the author writing in a more traditional fiction medium, too. 5 stars, hands down.

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]

<ul type="square">[*]Mission 3: The first ambush caught me off-guard, sneaking up unnanounced from behind. I was prepared for subsequent ambushes, but the first one surprised nonetheless.[*]Mission 5: The final boss is a heavy hitter. For a Boss, at least. My poor Blaster couldn’t withstand what I assume was Total Focus. I don’t imagine there’s anything that can be done about it, though.[/list]
[/ QUOTE ]

Unfortunately I can't do anything about either of these... yet. Energy Manip bosses get total focus on standard, and the ambushes from defendable objects never make a sound, such as it is.

[/ QUOTE ]
I figured it was something like this. Custom mobs were overpowered to begin with, and the recent patches did the opposite of helping. Hopefully i15 will clear some of this up.

As for Defendable Objects, I've yet to actually use one, so their options and mechanics are unfamiliar to me. It wasn't a huge problem anyway, just a little "wth?" moment that passed like Inferno through a Council mob.

Arc Name: Is it Live or is it Memory-X?
Arc ID: 70210
Morality: Heroic
Author: @Armsman
---
There are some themes in fiction that I’m a huge fan of. The self-justifying villain, for example. The blurred separation of good and evil. The shadowy puppetmaster. And many others I am currently blanking on.

The theme I particularily enjoyed in Armsman’s arc is when a villain’s creation turns on its master and runs out of control. The creation develops plans of its own, regardless of what its original purpose was. And soon, even the former master must side with the protagonists, in the interest of self-preservation.

From what I could see, there is nothing wrong with the story in this arc. The events progress evenly through investigations and encounters, and culminate in a final global race to the finish. None of the missions feel superfluous or “tacked-on”, and the use of Clues is adequate. I can’t think of much that would improve on the plot.

Indeed, most of my gripes are from a technical standpoint. In almost all dialog from Citadel (the arc’s Contact), the text is color-coded. While I’m normally a big supporter of this, I found that the colors used were a bit distracting. For example, all enemy names are written in red (“5th Column Scientist”, “Memory-X A.I. System”). IMO, colors like red, yellow and orange should be saved for vital information, such as an AV warning or informing of an impending disaster. Other uses draw my attention from the surrounding text, and become a distraction while I’m reading.

Another point I found distracting was the author’s use of semicolons. A semicolon is used to connect two complete clauses with a similar theme; they should not be used as equal substitutions of commas. For example, “I wanted to check out a book; however, the library was closed due to a holiday.” Both phrases could easily pass as separate sentences, but the semicolon ties them together as a linked idea. But I would be incorrect if I were to write, “If I can run faster; I might be able to win the race.” I would greatly encourage Armsman to go through the arc’s text again and attempt to remove most (if not all) semicolons.

For lack of a good segue, I move on to Battles and Patrols. In any given mission, every single Battle will have identical dialog. The same goes for Patrol dialog. While I have no problems with what’s being said, it’s the fact that everyone is saying the same thing. It's not a big issue for the robotic custom mobs, but I doubt Crey and the 5th Column would be so uniform.

Specifics:<ul type="square">[*]Mission 1: Citadel’s text contains a large number of exclamation points, but only in the first mission. Afterwards, he’s much more serious.[*]M1: “10 Gigabyte Flash Drive” seems unnecessarily specific. Unless the size of the drive has some significance, simply calling it a “Flash Drive” should be enough.[*]M1: In the return text, Citadel is certain he can override any encryption he encounters on the flash drive using codecs already in his possession. He makes a point of saying that he can do this even if the 5th Column has new encryption schemes in place. I don’t have any experience with programming and code, but this strikes me as overly confident. (This is subverted in the next mission’s intro, but it still made an impression.)[*]Mission 3: Citadel’s presence in the exact lab I happen to be searching seems an extraordinary coincidence. I later understood why he was there, but my initial reaction of skepticism was completely disregarded by any clues and/or in-mission text.[*]Mission 4: The Entry Text seems too emotionless, especially in the sentence using “uh oh”.[*]M4: IMHO, the only reason for the President to be included was for his one-liner joke, which wasn’t all that funny. Any number of NPCs (technicians, scientists, civilians from the street) would make more sense in this kind of hostage situation.[*]Mission 5: Typo: Sendoff Text - “…easier to bridge dimensions then to beam people…” - should be than.[*]M5: Typo: Master Builder’s description - “…can transfer it’s own…” - should be its, with no apostrophe.[*]M5: Some of Master Builder’s description seems redundant: “itself, self-aware”; “conscious self awareness”[/list]While I do recommend this arc for its plot, there are still some rough edges to be smoothed down. I’d be tempted to give a rating of three stars, but I’m always more lenient if I can sense a good effort from a capable storyteller. Thus, 4 stars.