theHedoren's Friendly QPQ Review Corner
By
Alari_Azure,
Posted on: 2009-05-24 21:29 in Mission Architect
Arc Name: The Bravuran Jobs
Arc ID: 5073
Morality: Villainous
Author: @GlaziusF
---
My first impression: Glazs arc is extremely polished when it comes to dialog and text descriptions. The grammar and spelling is very professional, and the various characters are consistant in their mannerisms/dialects. The Bravuran characters especially have a subtly humorous way of speaking that --while still formal and eloquent -- makes it clear that English is their second language. Or as Lloyd, the Contact, says, I have not mastered yet this English.
Im on the fence about Lloyd himself. Something about his personality makes him charmingly oblivious at first, but after a while he gets a bit tedious. He tends to go into melodramatic speeches about his poor beset-upon homeland. I can definitely see this as a legitimate character trait, but its not as endearing after a half-dozen similar speeches.
The custom mobs (all belonging to the Bravuran armed forces) have a very stylish design, both simplistic and effective. One thing that impressed me very much was their bio text. Like many canon enemy groups, the Bravurans have an organized hierarchy of soldiers -- e.g. So-and-so is promoted from the ranks of such-and-such -- and each new rank has a description of improved powers or weaponry. Even the names of the mobs are well-crafted, conveying that these units are indeed foreign soldiers.
The story itself is a bit less than impressive, but the individual missions were nicely done. Im a villain, hired by a Bravuran national to undertake various criminal pursuits. In did enjoy the way most of the missions were introduced: Lloyd would read a newspaper article about Bravura, but would be interrupted by my characters interior monologue. These interruptions are very funny, and refreshingly portray me as a clever villain. Some people might not like to be pegged as such, but I definitely prefer it over blindly performing grunt labor. There are fleeting moments where Lloyd seems to know more than he lets on, but these are so subtle that they may just be paranoia on my part.
By the end of the arc, I didnt feel like I accomplished much. Sure, I had a healthy supply of loot and swag, but I couldve gotten a similar stockpile by running ordinary bank missions. The theme that ties the missions together isnt very well defined, but I believe I was being used as a kind of game. Like an unsuspecting gladiator, or something. In any case, the individual missions feel like they could be interchanged or replaced with little-to-no effect on the overall story.
But dont get me wrong, the actual Bravuran jobs are humorous and well-written; they could easily pass for official newspaper missions.
A few specific things:<ul type="square">[*]Mission 1: The Mission Intro Dialog is very vague about Bravura itself. While I can assume a few things from the title, the Contact doesnt make a single mention of the name of his country.[*]Mission 3: In the Mission Entry Popup, Id recommend changing Sergeant whats his face to Sergeant Whats-His-Face to avoid double-takes. Just my personal preference, really; its fine as it is.[*]Mission 3: The first ambush caught me off-guard, sneaking up unnanounced from behind. I was prepared for subsequent ambushes, but the first one surprised nonetheless.[*]Mission 5: The final boss is a heavy hitter. For a Boss, at least. My poor Blaster couldnt withstand what I assume was Total Focus. I dont imagine theres anything that can be done about it, though.[/list]Overall it was an excellent arc. A good mixture of humor sprinkled throughout, and not a single error that I could find. Some interesting custom enemies, appropriate challenges, and some very profitable villainous escapades. While I dont feel its a perfect arc, I dont think it needs improvement. Since 4.5 stars isnt an option, Im just rounding to 5. Good job, Glazius!
Rise of the Copper Legion (#60280; with soundtrack)
The Fractured Dreamer (#498588; with musical theme)
"Now Leaving: Paragon City": original composition for the end of CoH
Hi:
The arrc of your I played was:
[ QUOTE ]
Arc Name: The Double-Edged Sword
Arc ID: 4384
Morality: Heroic
Length: Long
Level Ranges: Three missions 30-54, two missions 40-54
Difficulty: Medium- Final mission contains 1 AV, but with optional Allies; a few collections, several rescues (Captives and Allies)
Synopsis: At first it seemed like business as usual for Crey Industries. But when a shady experiment spirals out of control, it's up to you to stop the growing threat.
[/ QUOTE ]
I'm not an authority on spelling or grammar; but from what I sa and read; no glaring errors jumped out at me.
There was one piece of contact dialogue I found strange:
"I've debriefed Will Lindsey -- the kid you rescued from Crey? He had some interesting information, but it can wait 'til later. Right now, we have a more urgent target."
Because I couldn't figure out why " -- the kid you rescued from Crey?" has a ? at the end of that sentence.
Other than this, nothing bad from the 'technical' end.
Overall, found the plot and pasing fine, with a Overall, a good mix of maps and Villian groups.
My Level 40 Grav/FF Controller (with Pet) sailed along fine (no faceplants); until the mission where he's sent to check on Jenny; the Carnie group at the end was a very difficult fight (3 faceplants); and was the only real downside (for me) that I encountered (didn't affect my final rating as I ALWAYS find Carnie LT's on up difficult, period.
I don't have a lot more feedback because overall it was constructed well, no missing ore 'trick' type objectives; and the collections. hostages, Allies, NPCs, etc. all worked, and added or fed into the plot.
With that said, I'd like to get a review on the following MA arc of mine when you have the chance (Got some good feedback prior to the last patch, but have had to unfortunaely change a map because the original one I had on Mission 2 was removed from the MA; and I had to also tweak the Custom Group I created post patch, and haven't had a lot of feedback on that aspect since):
Title: Is it Live or is it Memory-X?
--------------------------------------
Story Arc ID: 70210
Authors Global Chat Handle: @Armsman
Length: Very Long (5 missions)
Alignment: Heroic
Type: Story-Focused
Groups: 5th Column, Crey, Custom Group
Has: Bosses; AV (Scales to EB based on team size/difficulty setting).
Story Description: The 5th Column is building a device to control the world. Can you save the world from TOTAL DOMINATION?! (Hey it worked to get my Villians and Vigilantes pen and paper RPG group interested back in the day.)
Designer Notes: The Arc can actually be soloed by most Scrapper (Level 50 MA/SR), Tank (Level 41 SS/INV) and MasterMind (Level 39 Robot/Traps) builds. My level 41 Gravity/Force Field Controller made it through mission 3 solo with no issues, but starting getting defeats in mission 4; so if youre a support class or a blaster, you probably need a team-mate. This arc is actually based on an adventure I ran players through in the Villians & Vigilantes pen and paper RPG a number of years back. I was surprised at how much of the original flavor I was able to keep in adapting it to fit in the CoX universe. There was only really one element I couldnt include due to MA limitations.
Thanks.
[ QUOTE ]
<ul type="square">[*]Mission 3: The first ambush caught me off-guard, sneaking up unnanounced from behind. I was prepared for subsequent ambushes, but the first one surprised nonetheless.[*]Mission 5: The final boss is a heavy hitter. For a Boss, at least. My poor Blaster couldnt withstand what I assume was Total Focus. I dont imagine theres anything that can be done about it, though.[/list]
[/ QUOTE ]
Unfortunately I can't do anything about either of these... yet. Energy Manip bosses get total focus on standard, and the ambushes from defendable objects never make a sound, such as it is.
Up with the overworld! Up with exploration! | Want a review of your arc?
My arcs: Dream Paper (ID: 1874) | Bricked Electronics (ID: 2180) | The Bravuran Jobs (ID: 5073) | Backwards Day (ID: 329000) | Operation Fair Trade (ID: 391172)
[ QUOTE ]
the ambushes from defendable objects never make a sound
[/ QUOTE ]
Oh snap, no wonder those things are always so egregious. Well, at least now I know why all those people using defendable objects never 'give' their ambushes dialogue. 
"If I had Force powers, vacuum or not my cape/clothes/hair would always be blowing in the Dramatic Wind." - Tenzhi
Characters
Arc Name: Is it Live or is it Memory-X?
Arc ID: 70210
Morality: Heroic
Author: @Armsman
---
There are some themes in fiction that Im a huge fan of. The self-justifying villain, for example. The blurred separation of good and evil. The shadowy puppetmaster. And many others I am currently blanking on.
The theme I particularily enjoyed in Armsmans arc is when a villains creation turns on its master and runs out of control. The creation develops plans of its own, regardless of what its original purpose was. And soon, even the former master must side with the protagonists, in the interest of self-preservation.
From what I could see, there is nothing wrong with the story in this arc. The events progress evenly through investigations and encounters, and culminate in a final global race to the finish. None of the missions feel superfluous or tacked-on, and the use of Clues is adequate. I cant think of much that would improve on the plot.
Indeed, most of my gripes are from a technical standpoint. In almost all dialog from Citadel (the arcs Contact), the text is color-coded. While Im normally a big supporter of this, I found that the colors used were a bit distracting. For example, all enemy names are written in red (5th Column Scientist, Memory-X A.I. System). IMO, colors like red, yellow and orange should be saved for vital information, such as an AV warning or informing of an impending disaster. Other uses draw my attention from the surrounding text, and become a distraction while Im reading.
Another point I found distracting was the authors use of semicolons. A semicolon is used to connect two complete clauses with a similar theme; they should not be used as equal substitutions of commas. For example, I wanted to check out a book; however, the library was closed due to a holiday. Both phrases could easily pass as separate sentences, but the semicolon ties them together as a linked idea. But I would be incorrect if I were to write, If I can run faster; I might be able to win the race. I would greatly encourage Armsman to go through the arcs text again and attempt to remove most (if not all) semicolons.
For lack of a good segue, I move on to Battles and Patrols. In any given mission, every single Battle will have identical dialog. The same goes for Patrol dialog. While I have no problems with whats being said, its the fact that everyone is saying the same thing. It's not a big issue for the robotic custom mobs, but I doubt Crey and the 5th Column would be so uniform.
Specifics:<ul type="square">[*]Mission 1: Citadels text contains a large number of exclamation points, but only in the first mission. Afterwards, hes much more serious.[*]M1: 10 Gigabyte Flash Drive seems unnecessarily specific. Unless the size of the drive has some significance, simply calling it a Flash Drive should be enough.[*]M1: In the return text, Citadel is certain he can override any encryption he encounters on the flash drive using codecs already in his possession. He makes a point of saying that he can do this even if the 5th Column has new encryption schemes in place. I dont have any experience with programming and code, but this strikes me as overly confident. (This is subverted in the next missions intro, but it still made an impression.)[*]Mission 3: Citadels presence in the exact lab I happen to be searching seems an extraordinary coincidence. I later understood why he was there, but my initial reaction of skepticism was completely disregarded by any clues and/or in-mission text.[*]Mission 4: The Entry Text seems too emotionless, especially in the sentence using uh oh.[*]M4: IMHO, the only reason for the President to be included was for his one-liner joke, which wasnt all that funny. Any number of NPCs (technicians, scientists, civilians from the street) would make more sense in this kind of hostage situation.[*]Mission 5: Typo: Sendoff Text -
easier to bridge dimensions then to beam people
- should be than.[*]M5: Typo: Master Builders description -
can transfer its own
- should be its, with no apostrophe.[*]M5: Some of Master Builders description seems redundant: itself, self-aware; conscious self awareness[/list]While I do recommend this arc for its plot, there are still some rough edges to be smoothed down. Id be tempted to give a rating of three stars, but Im always more lenient if I can sense a good effort from a capable storyteller. Thus, 4 stars.
Rise of the Copper Legion (#60280; with soundtrack)
The Fractured Dreamer (#498588; with musical theme)
"Now Leaving: Paragon City": original composition for the end of CoH
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
<ul type="square">[*]Mission 3: The first ambush caught me off-guard, sneaking up unnanounced from behind. I was prepared for subsequent ambushes, but the first one surprised nonetheless.[*]Mission 5: The final boss is a heavy hitter. For a Boss, at least. My poor Blaster couldnt withstand what I assume was Total Focus. I dont imagine theres anything that can be done about it, though.[/list]
[/ QUOTE ]
Unfortunately I can't do anything about either of these... yet. Energy Manip bosses get total focus on standard, and the ambushes from defendable objects never make a sound, such as it is.
[/ QUOTE ]
I figured it was something like this. Custom mobs were overpowered to begin with, and the recent patches did the opposite of helping. Hopefully i15 will clear some of this up.
As for Defendable Objects, I've yet to actually use one, so their options and mechanics are unfamiliar to me. It wasn't a huge problem anyway, just a little "wth?" moment that passed like Inferno through a Council mob. 
Rise of the Copper Legion (#60280; with soundtrack)
The Fractured Dreamer (#498588; with musical theme)
"Now Leaving: Paragon City": original composition for the end of CoH
Just played 4384 with my level 42 DB/Fire Scrapper on heroic.
Mission 1: "... break into one of Crey's law firms ...."
That sounds a bit villainous to me. "Investigate one of Crey's law firms" sounds a bit better.
"Search for Evidence Against Crey" - you usually search for evidence when you already know what the charge is. At this point, we're still trying to find out what they're up to.
Mission 2: ".... stumble on something big ....". I'd change "on" to "onto"
A number of your chapters end with Mynx asking you something like "Ready to intercept the mystery contraband?"
Instead of a response like "Yes, I'm ready. Lets do it!" you have "Head down to the docks". I've seen the question/response format used very effectively in a number of arcs, and I think it would make sense in your arc when the mission briefing ends with a question.
".... into the city of Heroes? Kinda risky ...."
You rarely hear the term "City of Heroes" in-game. I'd use "Paragon City".
Not sure, but I think an ambush hit me after clicking a glowy. No warning text, which is no big deal with a scrapper, but will cause squishies some issues.
Chapter 3: "I've debriefed Will Lindsey --- you remember the kid you rescued from Crey?"
That statement seemed a bit odd. I just rescued the kid in the prior mission, unless Mynx thinks I have very short term memory.
"a hidden bunker" is in dark green. Very hard to read.
2 of the 5 test subjects became allies, the other 3 were captives and left. I have mixed feelings on this. 5 allies would be overkill, but having some turn and run while others help is a bit disconcerting to the player. I like consistency.
Considering they were only Lts. and the first guy very quickly died on me, I'd just make them all captives.
Chapter 4: Josephine is now in temporary housing. I'm sent to an office building. Ok, I'll stretch my imagination and pretend it's a hotel.
I was playing a standard Crey arc, and now Carnies. I was thinking, oh joy, another arc with a complete U turn. Maybe a bit of a forewarning in the previous arc? This is explained later when Josephine is revealed to be a powerful psychic and the Carnies are just lusting after her psychic energy.
Chapter 5: Ok, the previous chapter leaves both me and the Carnies still searching for Josephine. Now, in chapter 5, Josephine has joined the Carnies and I have to go defeat her. This is the weakest part of the story. I'd end Chapter 4 with the Carnies saying "Ah ha! Too late! We already have her and she will soon belong to Vanessa!"
Either that, or have the Carnies still trying to control her in the final chapter. Perhaps some comments like "Oh no, her psychic powers have grown beyond even Vanessa's abilities to control. We must stop her!"
I liked having the optional allies, although 3 of them might be a bit overkill. I definitely needed help against Josephine - she is a very nasty EB. The custom group had the name "Vindicators". I'm not familiar with that group, doesn't seem like a canon name. Perhaps "Freedom Phalanx" might be more appropriate?
Interesting arc with a decent storyline. Needs a few tweaks, but has potential to be an excellent arc.
131430 Starfare: First Contact
178774 Tales of Croatoa: A Rose By Any Other Name ( 2009 MA Best In-Canon Arc ) ( 2009 Player Awards - Best Serious Arc )
I played and rated yours. Here is mine:
#4824 - The Legacy Chain Task Force
Heroic alignment
Four missions for levels 45-50
Enemies: Circle of Thorns, Longbow, Mother Mayhem's minions, custom
A Legacy Chain agent has followed a mage to Paragon City and seeks your help to take him down, but it appears he's not telling you the whole story. Stop the summoning of the Demon Kings before it's too late, and help lead a broken team of heroes to redemption. Team recommended for final EB/AV and several optional EB/AVs.
Hercules, you didn't specify which arc you preferred me to look at, so I chose one at random. I hope that's okay!
Arc Name: Tales of Croatoa: A Rose By Any Other Name....
Arc ID: 178774
Morality: Heroic
Author: @Silvers1 (AKA: Hercules)
---
Emotional responses can be tricky to control with a format like the MA system. Humor can be relatively easy to achieve. The feeling of epic-ness is a bit harder, but still appears on an acceptable basis. But thus far, I have only encountered two MArcs that actually touched me on any meaningful emotional level. The first was The Echo, by MrCaptainMan. The second is Tales of Croatoa....
Mechanically, the arc is nothing unusual. There are a few Captives to rescue, some disruption of villainous rituals, an AV showdown
the standard fare.
As for the story, it begins rather innocently. Youre wandering around, minding your own business, when Hey! You run into a mysterious girl. Who happens to be
well
dead. I instantly form certain assumptions and expectations. A child as old as Rose (the Contact) isnt exactly a reliable witness or narrator. They are prone to strong and immediate emotions, and will do whatever they feel like with little inhibition. Add this to the fact that Rose is clearly deceased, it becomes an instant warning that things wont be what they seem.
Which is a good thing, dont get me wrong. I like to be legitimately surprised, and I wasnt disappointed. The first mission alone ended with a twist that seemed so obvious after the fact, but still caught me offguard. And the best reveal comes at the end of Mission 3, so be sure to read Roses Return Dialog; I thought this was no less than brilliant, in concept and execution.
Theres a relatively light cast of characters running around in this arc, but each one performs consistantly and appropriately. Okay, maybe the final AV felt a little stock-footage, but not overly so.
If I had to criticize anything, it would be the way thoughts and actions are forced onto the player, mostly during interactions with Rose. The arc first requires me to be awkwardly sensitive to the ghostly childs worries and needs. Then, as events unfold, I seem to take an incredibly strong personal interest in the missions. At one point, its implied that Im nearly torturing a Cabal witch to get information to help Roses family. Granted, its fleeting and implicit, and may be due to my own interpretation of the text. But it might not suit everyones characters.
I was also a bit disconcerted by the occasional jump in level range. I understand that some thematic groups are limited to certain ranges, so its never a major gripe of mine. But I was at a noticeable disadvantage during the AV fight.
Time for specifics (which seems to be my shtick):<ul type="square">[*]Mission 3: An unnecessary period in Nav bar text: 3 Fir Bolg to free.[*]M3: Some of the wording of Jacks Clue felt a bit awkward, particularly when he mentions the Amulet and Rhiannon.[*]Mission 5: Perhaps you could highlight the AV warning in the Intro Dialog? As it is, it blends into the rest of the text, and might be an unpleasant surprise to someone who missed the arcs description. Simply making the warning bold or italicized should be enough.[/list]I expect its arcs like this thatll make me glad for starting this thread; its unlikely I wouldve found it otherwise. The Contact is endearing and tragic at the same time, the plot moves at a relaxed pace appropriate for a mystery arc, and the outcome is delightfully bittersweet. I can easily imagine the author writing in a more traditional fiction medium, too. 5 stars, hands down.
Rise of the Copper Legion (#60280; with soundtrack)
The Fractured Dreamer (#498588; with musical theme)
"Now Leaving: Paragon City": original composition for the end of CoH
[ QUOTE ]
Not sure, but I think an ambush hit me after clicking a glowy. No warning text, which is no big deal with a scrapper, but will cause squishies some issues.
[/ QUOTE ]
I don't remember adding any enemy ambushes to this arc. This was probably just an unfortunate coincidence involving some sneaky mobs.
[ QUOTE ]
2 of the 5 test subjects became allies, the other 3 were captives and left. I have mixed feelings on this. 5 allies would be overkill, but having some turn and run while others help is a bit disconcerting to the player.
[/ QUOTE ]
I definitely didn't want an army of Allies doing all the work; I've played too many arcs already where I felt like a mere spectator. The idea was that the NPCs that didn't fight had reasons: Alex barely had any powers (like Will, from the previous mission), Abby was extremely panicky and claustrophobic, and Josephine was just too out of it to be of any use. Still I've tweaked some animations and dialog to make things a little more natural.
[ QUOTE ]
...in chapter 5, Josephine has joined the Carnies and I have to go defeat her. This is the weakest part of the story.
[/ QUOTE ]
I can't believe I missed this! I only had a single line from a single NPC concerning Josephine's interactions with the Carnies. Hopefully some new text I added to Mynx's dialog helps convey that the Carnies found Josephine, were quickly subdued, and are now under her complete psychic control.
Thanks for your feedback! Your comments and recommendations were very helpful, and many have already been applied in some form or another.
Rise of the Copper Legion (#60280; with soundtrack)
The Fractured Dreamer (#498588; with musical theme)
"Now Leaving: Paragon City": original composition for the end of CoH
[ QUOTE ]
If I had to criticize anything, it would be the way thoughts and actions are forced onto the player, mostly during interactions with Rose. The arc first requires me to be awkwardly sensitive to the ghostly childs worries and needs. Then, as events unfold, I seem to take an incredibly strong personal interest in the missions. At one point, its implied that Im nearly torturing a Cabal witch to get information to help Roses family. Granted, its fleeting and implicit, and may be due to my own interpretation of the text. But it might not suit everyones characters.
[/ QUOTE ]
I have to confess, this is the first arc I wrote in which I became so emotionally involved with the contact. I guess I got caught up in it a bit too much. I might have to rethink the questioning aspect of that particular chapter - at that point, my response was ... anger. Guess I have to realize others might not have that intense a reaction.
[ QUOTE ]
M3: Some of the wording of Jacks Clue felt a bit awkward, particularly when he mentions the Amulet and Rhiannon.
[/ QUOTE ]
Some of that might have to do with the text limitations forced on me. I tried to fit it into the free captive clue, 100 characters just wasnt sufficient. 300 characters barely was enough, Jack had quite a bit to say.
[ QUOTE ]
Mission 5: Perhaps you could highlight the AV warning in the Intro Dialog? As it is, it blends into the rest of the text, and might be an unpleasant surprise to someone who missed the arcs description. Simply making the warning bold or italicized should be enough.
[/ QUOTE ]
Will do.
Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it.
131430 Starfare: First Contact
178774 Tales of Croatoa: A Rose By Any Other Name ( 2009 MA Best In-Canon Arc ) ( 2009 Player Awards - Best Serious Arc )
Arc Name: Legacy Chain Task Force
Arc ID: 4824
Morality: Heroic
Author: @Alyiah
---
I had several issues with this arc, to be honest. A few of the maps used seemed unecessary. The grand unifying storyline didnt seem as urgent as the Contact (a Legacy Chain sorcerer named Abernathy) made it sound. And several times I found myself mentally disagreeing with Abernathy -- due to questionable missions or fallacies in his logic.
For example, the very first mission needed me to recruit some former SG mates of the Big Bad (named Berith) to stop a plan to summon ultimate darkness and destruction. My objective was to persuade Beriths former allies to aid in battle against their old friend. To me, this sounds like I need to convince the SGers (from a group called Conjurers) to betray someone they still consider a friend, despite Abernathys claim that Berith tortured two of them into madness.
In the next mission, my task is to Escort the Conjurers former leader out of the Zig. Her crime? Accidentally blowing up a schoolbus full of children. Abernathy seems to sense my apprehension in breaking someone out of prison, because he says many times that its the only way -- Assuage your guilt with the knowledge that what we do serves a higher purpose. This is the calling of a true hero. So I go in, knock out several Longbow guards and lead Aimi the Conjurer to freedom. Where to begin
. My first thought was something like, Why is breaking into prison our only option? Surely we could arrange something with the government if the entire world is at stake
? But no, I have to go in become a criminal myself. And Aimis Clue didnt help my opinion; she is depicted as extremely violent and aggressive, so much so that I had to drag her away from beating down inmates and Longbow guards alike. Even at the mission exit, her only concern is exacting her revenge on Berith. Not revenge for the innocent schoolchildren, mind you. Her revenge.
After a quick research venture to Oranbega, Im finally off to defeat Berith himself. But not before the clumsy revelation that Abernathy himself is a former Conjurer. But he doesnt reveal this unprovoked -- it was apparently my characters guess that convinced him to come clean, even though I had little-to-no evidence to support as much as a hunch. But hey, now maybe Abernathy will join us to save the world from evil! Wait
no, he starts to give an excuse for why he has to skip this one, but he trails off and leaves it unfinished. If I didnt feel used before now
.
The AV fight did not go well. Im still not sure if it was the character model used (Baron Zoria?) or the fact that all my essential Conjurer allies were a joke in combat, but I managed to pull off three quick faceplants with barely a scratch on Berith. At this point I wasnt invested in the story enough to run through my alts and try again.
Anything else:<ul type="square">[*]Mission 2: The 3 optional supervillains (Dreck, Maestro, and the Clockwork King) seem unecessary and out-of-place wandering about the Zigs exercise yard. They just struck me as filler material.[*]Mission 4: I always recommend highlighting warnings for AVs and time limits. I had no problems finding warnings of the upcoming fight with Berith, but I wouldve completely missed the mention of an hour timer if I wasnt reading closely. While I dont consider an hour as anything to panic over -- plenty of time to get things done Id still prefer to know in advance.[/list]From a mechanical standpoint, this arc was virtually flawless; I couldnt find any typos or grammatical errors. Still, the many inconvenient quirks and the overall unimpressiveness of the plot didnt sit too well with me. Since I was unable to complete the arc, I did not rate it. If I had to guess, it would probably have received 3 stars.
Rise of the Copper Legion (#60280; with soundtrack)
The Fractured Dreamer (#498588; with musical theme)
"Now Leaving: Paragon City": original composition for the end of CoH
Thank you very much for playing and reviewing my arc. I don't know how supervillains in a prison for supervillains can seem out of place, but it's true, they don't advance the storyline any. I thought it would be fun, and that kind of thing is fun for me. To each their own.
The mission contact did say in orange highlighted text that there won't be more than an hour to stop the summoning before you accept the final mission, but I revised the test to pointedly say "you will have at most one hour to stop him." Hopefully that will make it clear to future players.
Thanks again.
True, the time limit warning was colored orange, but so was the rest of the text in that paragraph. The warning itself blends right in.
Your next paragraph was an example of the right way to do this, IMO:
[ QUOTE ]
I must warn you, Berith is very strong, and his strength is only enhanced by his allies. If you can bring teammates, I strongly urge you to do so.
[/ QUOTE ]
The flavor text is default white, and the differently-colored warning itself is bright and eye-catching.
Rise of the Copper Legion (#60280; with soundtrack)
The Fractured Dreamer (#498588; with musical theme)
"Now Leaving: Paragon City": original composition for the end of CoH
Arc Name: Entrusted with the Other Secret
Arc ID: 120462
Morality: Neutral
Author: @ObsidianDevil (AKA: parkin)
---
Im not exactly a rocket scientist; I like to think that Im at -- or even slightly above -- average intelligence. In any case, one of the more challenging concepts Ive tried to write involved time-travel and
well, lets just say that it didnt go very well. There are so many ways to lose track of time streams or misplace entire causalities, and hundreds more methods of confounding readers.
By the end of Other Secret, I was thoroughly in the dark. The amount of twists, time-loops, sudden revelations and alternate characters is overwhelming at times, and Im still not sure exactly what happened.
It begins when Im contacted by Mender Tesseract for a specific task -- one that only I can complete, due to my involvement in future events. It seems some neer-do-well is mucking about in the time stream and causing all kinds of corruption; the Menders are all locked out and unable to intervene. Which is where I come in. After fighting against an assault from a sort of anti-Ouroboros group (Time-lock), I find out that my ultimate fate directly allows Time-lock to break into Ouroboros.
Upon my return, Tesseract is quite upset with my failure to stop the corruption. She once again sends me into the future, but this time slightly before the Time-lock assault. Im not sure if I foiled the attack or not, but I discovered that some outside force is providing Time-lock with the temporal virus. After some more snooping in a 5th Column base, I find the source of the mysterious messages: a small drive hidden in the Columns email server. (I think the word drive may be a mis-use; a drive is normally a data storage device, which doesnt seem to match its appearance in this arc.) I remove the drive and Tesseract declares the time stream to be fixed.
But just to be sure, she sends me through time again to check on Time-locks raid. This time, things are different. Many notable Menders are already dead of mysterious causes, and Time-lock itself is a group of refugee Menders cast out of Ouroboros by some traitorous comrades. When I return to Tesseract, shes figured a few things out. Firstly, she is the one who created the mystery drive (or rather, her future-self did). She will discover the traitor Menders and stop the corruption of the time stream, but will lock herself out as well. So one last time I defy laws of spacetime, this time to return the drive I removed from the 5th Columns base. And finally, all is well.
But it turns out that writing all this down didnt help my comprehension of the finer points. For starters, much of the plot hinges on the presence of corruption of the time-stream. Setting aside that this is a vague and oft-repeated term, I never understood who started the distortions to begin with. Was it Time-lock, in an effort to beat down the Menders of Ouroboros? Or was it Tesseract trying to stop Time-lock? Or was it my future self?
And what is the purpose of Tesseracts drive? Does it create these time-malfunctions, or is it merely a way to send anonymous messages? And why does the corruption get worse when I remove said-drive from the 5th Column?
Even without the unexplained intricacies of the story, I was often confused by the authors writing style. Odd phrases and awkward grammar runs rampant throughout the text, causing me to re-read everything at least twice. I found this to be a huge hindrance in deciphering an increasingly-convaluted time-travel story.
Some smaller things:<ul type="square">[*]Typo: Shock Sergeants description- Sargent[*]"Mender" is a title, and should remain capitalized when used in the context of Ouroboros. [*]Mission 1: Typo: Time Shifts Clue: concider[*]M1: Didnt Tesseract say that Menders were temporarily barred from interfering? If so, why does she appear in this mission?[*]Mission 2: Typo: Sendoff text- Oroboros is missing a u (this occurs in at least 3 other places: M2 Patrol dialog, M4 Navigation text, and M5 Intro text)[*]Mission 3: Typo: Return text-
its worth doing yourself. - should be its[/list]I feel like theres definite potential in this arc, but its weighed down by some inelegant writing and too many loose ends. For now, it strikes me as a 3-star arc, but I do hope it will become tighter and more refined in the future.
Rise of the Copper Legion (#60280; with soundtrack)
The Fractured Dreamer (#498588; with musical theme)
"Now Leaving: Paragon City": original composition for the end of CoH
Hmm... so, the TeChameleon's patented Stream-of-Semiconsciousness review (featuring my usual tester, my level 50 Energy/Energy/Munitions Blaster), coming up for
Dr. Dave and the Copper Legion.
Mission One:
Hrm. Interesting enough opening. Not often that I work with an academic. Or at least one this absent-minded and prone to repeating himself.
Opening text- "An investigation is in order"? Uhm... as opposed to what?
Ooookay... wandering around in a cave murdering hapless Romans for no readily discernible reason. Maybe I'm just taking this too slow, but thus far not much other than me pounding them into wads of tinfoil-encased meat has happened.
Uhm... okay, apparently Heather is another one cast in the mold of the Absent-minded professor. Also, wasn't Pompeii destroyed something like 550 years prior to when Cimerora is set? Like her design, though- very adventurous-scholarly-Brit.
Wait, she has powers..? 
*reads info*
... okay? I'm guessing this is one of those things that more will be revealed on as time goes on.
Hmm... one quibble about the clue- "Imperious wasn't always the emperor of Cimerora" Er... duh? I realize I may not be the brightest bulb in the box, but yeah, that wasn't that hard to figure out. Just kind of makes it feel like she's talking down to me a bit.
Heather seems remarkably unruffled for having been captured by the Cimeroran traitors (who murder women and children solely for the demoralizing effect it has on their opponents)... assuming that's who that was. And how were we intruding? It was just a cave!
I found the exit text a bit dry, but that's probably just personal preference- my own writing trends towards being a bit florid.
Mission Two:
Hmm... Dr. Dave isn't especially Genre Savvy, is he? Just "A cultural relic like the Terra Cotta Army", yet the Circle of Thorns have enough of an interest in it for it to turn up in their writings. Hmmm. Of course, he'd never listen to me, as I'm merely a superhero, not a trained Indiana Jon... Archeologist.
Opening text- hah. Very meta. Nobody's ever happy about stepping into Oranbega. Oh well. At least there aren't many ghosts at this level.
Bleah. With the number of demons I've killed all by my lonesome, I must have depopulated several circles of Hell...
Y'know, it might be worthwhile to add some flavour text to your patrols- they just appear to be wandering around at random. So what are they up to? I mean, the late, great Oscar Petersen's Blues of the Prairies work as a soundtrack, but it'd be nice to know what they're thinking of yet another costumed cretin beating them all senseless for the umpteenth time.
Oog. Yeh, big freaking surprise, have to go beat someone up for the book, just like Dr. Dave said I "might" have to. Not a huge fan of either un-twists or prescient contacts. Not a big deal one way or another, it just feels a bit forced. Maybe have one of the books in the bookcase, with incomplete info? (and a bookmark in it letting me know who was reading it last 
). Also, forcing me to backtrack all over Hell's half acre to try and find where this twit spawned in behind me is not a good way to endear this arc to me :/ Particularly since finding anything on these damn orange bagel maps is a chore in and of itself.
Ah, wai hallo thar, Silankir. You were a wuss
Heh. "Right, so, you've beaten the info out of me. Now you're going away, right? Please?"
Mission Three:
And off to our next mystic stronghold.
... wait, the Midnighters were driven out? Well, I guess they're more academics now. Still, at one point they were punting Rularuu in the face :/
Hmm. You know, I'm really not sure how I feel about the Copper Legion echoing the look and functions of the Cimerorans so strongly. Also, why are they called the "Copper" Legion if their stronger members are other metals?
As a random aside... if I'm recalling my mythology corretly, weren't Hephaestus' golden constructs supposed to be golden women?
Oh, and the closing thing- upgrading your theory, huh? Surprise, Dr. Dave! Can I just say "told you so"?
Mission Four:
I love how just about everybody assumes that Longbow isn't really competent enough to avoid civilian casualties. Is there anybody that actually likes everybody's favourite Crest Commercial rejects?
Hmm... seeing the Copper Legion in better lighting, I think the design is growing on me. Still not entirely sure on the 'they're just like the Cimerorans in function' part, though. Also, Empathy minions are a pain in the bum.
While I'm thankful for at least some chatter, the victim responses seem vaguely... I don't know, 'canned NPC response #423'. Mind you, the creepy silence on the part of the Vulcan Automatons is entirely fitting.
... except for Chelsea. "Like, so scary!" indeed, heh.
O.o iPhone?
Operation... wait, what? Why am I taking part in an op named after whale vomit?
Uh-huh, Dr. Dave. "We" have to go put our foot down, alright.
Mission Five:
Huh. Apparently Dr. Dave isn't all talk.
Although, if there were enough Copper Legionnaries to mobilize a sizeable chunk of the city, and we smashed the lot... uh... just how many of these things are there? (and that's rhetorical- I know that a Legion was from 1000-6000 men, typically)
Wait, Malta? Magic really isn't their MO. In fact, they actively hate it, as far as I know.
Ah, so this Sun Coyote guy is Dr. Dave. Gotcha.
Minor typo- 'vertices to disable'- er... guessing that should be 'vortices' (plural of 'vortex')? Maybe? Or are these mystic widgets actually somehow... graph theory? Nodes? Really not too clear on this one (although that's probably because I'm gradually falling asleep- er, no offense to your mission, just a long night at work).
Hmm... Glass Dragon and Sun Coyote might be a twitch too powerful- I'm starting to feel like I'm actively competing with them for kills. On the other hand, it's not too bad- maybe just something to watch.
Wow, glowies can spawn in some funny spots- finally found the last one, tucked into a crypt O.o
Uhm, okay, that's a rather strange exit line... many things seem harmless when they're not trying to disembowel you.
Slightly awkward phrasing at the end- 'serve some good for the world' doesn't quite scan.
So, Overall:
Good, if slightly predictable, story, with solid writing and decent characterization. The missions themselves feel a bit sterile- nobody says much of anything, even when they have excellent reason to complain about these friggin' heroes coming in and using a good old fashioned beating in place of a library card. AGAIN.
The Copper Legion is solidly designed, and the mythology handled with aplomb; the biggest difficulty I had was... well, honestly this feels a bit... Hellboy 2.
The end boss was an interesting 'reveal', and made some sense, although I'm not entirely certain his powers work like that. Also, who was "Janus"? It was never explained, and I'm not familiar with the character (well, aside from the Roman god of gate-guarding and two-facedness etc.- is this another reference to the end boss?)
A solid four stars, I think- in need of some punching-up to take it the rest of the way to that final, fifth star (it doesn't have any egregious flaws, per se... just not quite enough greatness, in my opinion), but a very good story nonetheless.
Feel free to heap withering scorn (or, well, constructive criticism, whichever you're in the mood for ) upon any of my arcs listed in my signature that grab your fancy; Trollbane is a low-level arc (10-14), Small Fears and How to Survive a Robot Uprising are high-level arcs (45-50 recommended).
"A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head." Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates
MA Arcs: #12285, "Small Fears", #106553, "Trollbane", #12669, "How to Survive a Robot Uprising"
Thanks for your feedback!
[ QUOTE ]
...wasn't Pompeii destroyed something like 550 years prior to when Cimerora is set?
[/ QUOTE ]
Frankly, I have no idea. But the Pompeii Gladius was a specific type of Roman sword that was used in many parts of the Empire.
[ QUOTE ]
...weren't Hephaestus' golden constructs supposed to be golden women?
[/ QUOTE ]
The Copper Legion itself is separate from any existing myths. In any case, I figure Hephaestus/Vulcan wouldn't be happy merely re-using one of his existing designs.
[ QUOTE ]
Operation... wait, what? Why am I taking part in an op named after whale vomit?
[/ QUOTE ]
You're thinking of ambergris, which does indeed come from whales.
Verdigris is a crusty green substance that appears when copper is exposed to weather for a long time. It's why the Statue of Liberty is entirely green; the statue is made of copper, which has since become covered in verdigris.
[ QUOTE ]
Minor typo- 'vertices to disable'- er... guessing that should be 'vortices' (plural of 'vortex')? Maybe?
[/ QUOTE ]
Actually, I used "vertices" intentionally, as each "vertex" is the intersection of magic lines. But since your's is a common reply to this, I may think about changing it....
[ QUOTE ]
Wow, glowies can spawn in some funny spots- finally found the last one, tucked into a crypt O.o
[/ QUOTE ]
Yay for the MA with its random and meaningless spawn points!
[ QUOTE ]
honestly this feels a bit... Hellboy 2.
[/ QUOTE ]
By sheer coincidence, I first saw Hellboy 2 mere days after writing this arc. At first I was bothered by the similarities, but a few re-writes had me feeling better.
[ QUOTE ]
Also, who was "Janus"? It was never explained, and I'm not familiar with the character (well, aside from the Roman god of gate-guarding and [u]two-facedness[u] etc...)
[/ QUOTE ]
Exactly.
Thanks again for your comments, and consider yourself queue'd!
Rise of the Copper Legion (#60280; with soundtrack)
The Fractured Dreamer (#498588; with musical theme)
"Now Leaving: Paragon City": original composition for the end of CoH
[ QUOTE ]
Arc Name: Entrusted with the Other Secret
[/ QUOTE ]
Thanks for playing this arc.
[ QUOTE ]
By the end of Other Secret, I was thoroughly in the dark... Im still not sure exactly what happened.
[/ QUOTE ]
Definately the biggest criticism I get on the arc, I'm definately going to have to think on how to improve on the whole getting the story across.
[ QUOTE ]
drive may be a mis-use
[/ QUOTE ]
I'd intended it to be a sort of secondary hard drive on the machine that just sends E-mails using the existing hardware on there.
[ QUOTE ]
Odd phrases and awkward grammar runs rampant throughout the text...
[/ QUOTE ]
I should have paid more attention in english class. This is the second biggest criticsm I get, and I wish I knew where to start solving it. Reads ok to me 
[ QUOTE ]
Some smaller things:
[/ QUOTE ]
Will sort these out.
[ QUOTE ]
Didnt Tesseract say that Menders were temporarily barred from interfering? If so, why does she appear in this mission?
[/ QUOTE ]
Its the future Tesseract. I think this is causing so much confusion I'll ditch it though.
[ QUOTE ]
corruption...
I never understood who started the distortions to begin with...
And what is the purpose of Tesseracts drive?
[/ QUOTE ]
The 'story order' (I cannot think of a better term here without using the word "time" which is pretty meaningless here) goes something like this...
1: Traitor Menders (clues to their identity do exist in the story) start to use their access to the Pillars to collapse the past into a single future where the Coming Storm wins eaisly.
2: Tesseract works out a way to stop these traitors, by blocking all Menders from accessing sensitive sections of time. She knows that the charismatic Mender Time-Shift could eaisly be duped into attacking Ouroboros with his personal army of zealots (Time-Lock). She also needs someone to give Time-Shift the 'keys' and if they happen to die - so what? She chooses you.
3: The 'drive' containing enough information to persuade Time-Shift to hate Ouroboros and the technology to do something about it is placed in the 5th Column base in the past, before any traitors start ot act.
4: The traitors can no longer enact their plan, so Tesseract only sees that the Mender's access to time is limited by a future attack. An attack only you can stop, so she bring you in to help.
5: Mission 1 - You try and stop the attack but they have already managed to 'infect' the timestream, in other words you have no effect on time here.
6: Mission 2 - you go back to before you started the assault, but fail big time (thanks to some forethought by Time-Shift). Your only alteration to time here is that you now cannot access the same points that the other Menders cannot access.
7: Mission 3 - You (and Tesseract) remove the drive from the past, thus putting almost everything back to step 1. Except Tesseract thinks that she has found the problem - putting her off guard allowing the traitors to get even further than before.
8: Mission 4 - You travel forwards to a point much like step 1. Meanwhile Tess figures it all out again, when she sees what has happened to time. One part of this engineered collapse into a single future is that you are being wiped from history - back to the future style.
9: Mission 5 - You replace the drive, with the alteration that you will lock yourself out using the Pillars to break the lock down. Mender Tesseract is also on her guard, so you two will try to find out who the traitors are.
--
Anyway thanks again for playing it.
I just ran this one:
Arc Name: Dr. Dave and the Copper Legion
Arc ID: 60280
...with a 50 Inv/SS tanker.
I enjoyed the arc very much. I liked the Copper Legion a lot, the designs and descriptions were good. I liked your custom heroes in the final mish also. They did seem overpowered while working over the Legionnaires, but they were welcome help with the AV. Good descriptions too, that kind of stuff sets apart the really good arcs from the mediocre ones.
Speaking of the AV...I like chained objectives but they're not always appropriate. A lot of times you'll find yourself backtracking to places you've already cleared trying to find the new objective. That happened here. I understand wanting the absolute last objective to be beating the mastermind of the whole thing, but I'm not sure why that can't happen before all of the vertices are deactivated. Like I said, I don't mind chained objectives and in fact the mish I'm going to ask you to run does something very similar to this, but I've got the new objective spawning right there where the first one is (at least that's how it's working so far in testing!). Not a major beef, I didn't take off a star or anything.
I would also echo an earlier review, I'd like to see more dialogue from the patrols. Of course the legionnaires themselves aren't going to say anything, so it might be tricky in a mish like this. But it was something I found myself missing while running through it, until the finale.
Ick, Malta. I will admit, if not for this thread and your offer of reviews I would've skipped this arc as soon as I saw that. I'm glad that didn't put me off, as it was only a couple of patrols and an ambush, not a Malta-filled mish. With allies they weren't a problem, even the Sapper.
One of the shortest Very Long arcs I've run, a lot of them have at least one 'grind' mish but none of yours felt that way. Good writing throughout, I liked the organization you created and the contact's dialogue.
Okay, here's my request: you did state that time travel was a bear to write and even harder to pull off, so naturally I'll put up my time travel arc:
<b>Arc Name: Time's Maelstrom
Arc ID: 182874
Author: @Armory1</b>
Save the world, save Time itself, then make a fateful decision that will decide the fate of billions. Just another day in Ouroboros.
This one has several EBs and an AV, and the final mish features 2 EBs. It's designed to be difficult, but I'm able to solo it with the same tanker I ran through yours. The finale mish is timed and features a choice: complete it or let the time run out.
I'm very interested in whether the story holds together. It's been re-written twice now for clarity and brevity. No negative feedback so far, but I've only had 2 people run it.
Arc Name: [ZQ] Power Play
Arc ID: 187269
Morality: Villainous
Author: @Sumerian
---
Right off the bat, I realize that this arc isnt for everyone. It announces early on that its told in the first person, which usually means writing a players thoughts for them. This is extremely risky, and can easily backfire if the author is careless.
But @Sumerian is anything but careless in his relatively-short tale of plots, schemes, and technological one-upsmanship. Right away, he cast me as an intelligent villain, a role I have no qualms about filling. All along the way Im matching wits with Arachnos Dr. Aeon and Dr. Creed from Mercy Island, and although there isnt a clear winner by the end I hardly feel cheated.
Though the actual introduction process is a little vague, I am offered a special assignment from Aeon himself. It seems that dear ole Dr. Creed is working on an advanced android project, a project that Aeon sorely covets. So Im sent in to perform some
diplomacy. But I soon develop plans of my own. See, Creeds Villainous Artificial Life-form (VAL) is intelligent, self-replicating, and supremely loyal. Naturally I take an interest in this, and decide to let the two bickering scientists do away with eachother, leaving me in control. So I side with Creed and feed Aeon tiny bits of information, just to string him along. I even agree to break into a Longbow base and steal plans of the android VAL is based on (for comparison with Creeds schematics).
But Aeon is not quite as stupid as he sounds. While Im busy scrapping with Longbow, Aeon swoops in and kidnaps Dr. Creed -- a task made easier by my previous invasion of Creeds lair. In an act of supreme arrogance, he commands me to travel to Paragon City and pick up some Clockwork for his research. Which I totally do.
Not. Apparently fed up with the old windbag, I disregard Aeons orders and instead go to rescue Creed, who is inexplicably in the grasp of Gold-Brickers. And when I return (with a perfectly reasonable alibi), Aeon is under the assumption that Creeds robotic minions were responsible for the rescue. But this wont stand; hes sent a team to find Creed, but their failure means that its now my turn to locate the missing mad scientist.
But not so fast! When Aeon was examing Creeds darling little AI program, VAL hacked into Aeons system and released the location of a restricted facility (along with its security protocol). With Creeds help, I access Aeons little laboratory to find several VAL units running amok and causing trouble for the Arachnos staff. It seems Aeon attempted to build his own VAL model, complete with artificial intelligence and self-awareness. But like a rebellious teenager, VAL refuses to be controlled by Aeon or anyone. I manage to defeat her mechanical body, but her mind escapes.
When I return to Aeon one last time hes figured a few things out, namely my alliance with Creed. He promises he wont take revenge on me because in the whole adventure, neither of us saw fit to include a certain multi-legged you-know-who in our plans for world domination; basically, if I dont tell, neither will he. As for our other chessmaster, Creed managed to escape Aeons clutches and retreat a safe distance.
If I had to pick one thing to rave about in this arc, it would be the extreme thoroughness the author has taken. Through the Contact, Clues, and mission dialog, nothing is left unexplained. Granted, it took a certain amount of rapt diligence on my part to catch everything, but I was nonetheless impressed. And by the end, if I had any further questions, the Souvenir was an excellent recap of the entire story.
The characters themselves were well-written, with Aeon and Creed acting in a suitably canonical fashion. Their competition was nicely fleshed-out, as was Creeds rivalry with the unseen Jonathan St. Smythe from SERAPH.
As I mentioned before, most of my thoughts and plans were outlined for me. Personally, I didnt have any problems slipping into the mindset provided for me, but I imagine some others will not find it entertaining.
The custom army of VAL androids can get a little tedious at times; their physical appearance is mostly identical, except for some slight variations in color and head detail. This makes it difficult to discern their powersets from a distance, making each battle a surprise. And I dont normally like being surprised by Kinetics.
The third mission was problematic for me. I thought I was supposed to be freeing Creed from Aeons control, but instead I ran into a small group of Gold-Brickers. Not only did this severely limit the level range on this one mission, their presence was only hinted at (Creed tries to convince them to work against Aeon for a change). I wasnt aware that the Gold-Brickers were ever involved with Aeon, but its possible I missed something. The whole mission only took two minutes at most, so I guess I cant complain.
Specific stuff:<ul type="square">[*]I
I dont seem to have any for this arc. No typos, no errors, nothing.[/list]On the whole, Power Play is an excellent story of scheming and
well, power plays. The gameplay is anything but a challenge, but this allows for more focus to the story. Still, the arc requires a lot of attention to clues and dialog if you want to fully grasp whats taking place. The few issues I had were far closer to non-issues if Im willing to be even slightly lenient. So in closing: clever story + clever enemies + clever ME = 5 stars.
Just out of curiosity, what does [ZQ] stand for?
Rise of the Copper Legion (#60280; with soundtrack)
The Fractured Dreamer (#498588; with musical theme)
"Now Leaving: Paragon City": original composition for the end of CoH
Arc name: Dr. Dave and the Copper Legion, Arc ID:60280
i ran this arc with obvious girl, my level 36 MA/SR scrapper, on rugged.
a couple of observations and comments as i went along...
mission 1
so are you searching ruins in the past or searching cimeroran ruins in the present? why study ruins in the past? it becomes anthropology rather than archeology... ok i understand now that the mission is finished, sort of, but the methods heather employed are a little niave and blundering.
the mission is empty of dialogue, except the rescue
i like the lost text for heather, different from your standard text
mission 2
again, empty of any dialogue
mission 4
maybe let the hostages run away?
i do appreciate the 7 separate hostage texts
mission 5
slight problem in continuity. in sun coyote's description he is a professor of anthropology, which makes more sense, but in the first mission he calls himself an archeologist, which makes less sense.
where did the keystone come from? i did not see the clue drop... from moment? maybe put that in the defeat text...
feedback
ok, this is an excellent story arc. i did not find much that i could say in the negative. you have a tight story, that expands into the COX canon, very well edited, and keeps the story going and elements together. great custom group too, though they did hit pretty hard, especially the LT's. i really enjoyed it all...
couple of things on my mind. namely filling the mission in with details. you have really nice, long clues in the beginning, i found that very helpful. i just dislike quiet missions. while further on it is understandable with the copper legion, they are meant to be silent. but with the COT and the traitors it can never hurt to add some dialogue text to the patrols for example. it does not have to apply to the story. stuff like "isn't this shift almost over?" kind of thing humanizes the story. i am pretty sure you have plenty of room left over since you have moderate number of customs and a handful of NPCs. extraneous detail never hurts either. the use of seven different hostages is exactly the type of thing that i appreciate. the two different patrols in the last mission too. if you could fit something like that in the first two missions that would be great.
but the most outstanding and glaringly unanswered question in my mind is... what is going on between "dr dave" and heather? are they making the angry mythical monster with two backs? come on... i bet if i turned my back they would be all over each other... i am sure they are crossing some student/teacher boundries here... there is a subtext going on here, i know it! enquiring minds want to know! 
otherwise, nice job. i really enjoyed that arc. i am always glad to see someone that ties it all up in such a nice package. after reviewing a fair number of arcs you come to appreciate those those stand above the rest in simple story telling. i like the open ended nature of it all too.
if you would run my hero therapy arc, i just updated and added more content. it would be greatly appreciated.
global: ridiculous girl
Hero Therapy! (TM) - 119228
welcome to donut world - 1233
Thank you for your kind (and very thorough!) review.
My goal for this arc was this to present a story in a new way, departing from the usual "Go here. Do this. Go there. Do that," formula that has become part-and-parcel with pretty much all the material in the game. I chose a villainous theme to signify this rebellion from the norm.
Changing to the first person point of view made the design both easier and more challenging. Easier because I only had to focus on details and events that were happening to "me", and script each encounter in that character. More challenging because I had to, as the writer, be aware of knowledge and events surrounding the story and influencing it, even though I was forced to forgo them because they were outside the immediate experience of the main character. Naturally, the first person point of view lended itself well to allowing the protagonist to disobey the contact's "orders" and seize his/her own opportunities.
I'm glad that you were able to slip into the character and run around in his/her skin for an enjoyable ride. I agree, this arc is probably not for everyone and some of the more subtle details will be lost on players. This is to be expected when you take risks and break the mold. I believe there is an audience for this type of story despite the MA's inability to design "choices" and "branching plots" which let the player instead of the author or character make the decisions.
To answer your questions about Mission 3, look to the canon. At one point, Marshall Brass on Cap au Diable sends you to steal a rocket-pack from the Gold Brickers. During the debriefing he reveals the incontravertible conclusion:
[ QUOTE ]
Dr. Aeon [has] been using the Goldbrickers to carry out thefts and attacks on his own. Trading them technology for their services. Using them as his own secret mercenary force.
[/ QUOTE ]
True, it's a defeat all, which is supposed to be a no-no, but it's a tiny size map. A solo character will face about 10 mobs on the entire map.
For your final question, [ZQ] is like my signature, to identify my work in case I turn to alternatives to publish arcs once my existing slots are full. The ZQ itself refers to The Zagmuk Quorum, one of the 12 days of the Zagmuk Festival, the Sumero-Babylonian new year celebration in which the gods gathered to decide the fates of men for the year ahead and... yadda yadda yadda. You can look it up here.
to ridiculous_girl: I've replied to your helpful review elsewhere, and added Hero Therapy to my queue. Thanks for playing!
to Sumericon: I suppose what I liked most about the first-person setup was that I felt involved in the story -- that I actually was influencing the other characters and not just playing some game.
[ QUOTE ]
At one point, Marshall Brass on Cap au Diable sends you to steal a rocket-pack from the Gold Brickers. During the debriefing he reveals the incontravertible conclusion:
[ QUOTE ]
Dr. Aeon [has] been using the Goldbrickers to carry out thefts and attacks on his own. Trading them technology for their services. Using them as his own secret mercenary force.
[/ QUOTE ]
[/ QUOTE ]
Just one of many bits of lore that I'm totally unaware of! I consider myself reasonably comfortable with the canon (thanks, in part, to the wiki), but I'm not even close to knowing everything.
[ QUOTE ]
True, it's a defeat all, which is supposed to be a no-no, but it's a tiny size map. A solo character will face about 10 mobs on the entire map.
[/ QUOTE ]
I counted 6 mobs. 
A Defeat-All on a tiny map like this is so far beyond painless, it's not even funny.
Well, maybe just a little funny.
Rise of the Copper Legion (#60280; with soundtrack)
The Fractured Dreamer (#498588; with musical theme)
"Now Leaving: Paragon City": original composition for the end of CoH
Arc Name: Somewhere to Belong
Arc ID: 118009
Morality: Heroic
Author: @Eryrex
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Sometimes in our heroic careers, we have to make a choice between following the codes of justice and treading the border of the law. Most of the time, its to prevent a greater wrongdoing that we toe the line with a the ends justify the means mentality. And my characters arent above such a venture if its for the greater good.
But still, I was reluctant to accept the task that Longbow Commander Dentz offered me. See, theres this villain group called Frostscale, whose sole purpose is eradicating hero presense [sp.] in Rogue Isles. As it turns out, this dinosaur-populated group caught wind of an upcoming hero assassination -- to be carried out by Captain Mako -- and are willing to clue us in if we grant them a 24 hour criminal amnesty. Cue the horns and sirens; what possible good could come from giving a hero-hating villainous organization a whole days worth of get-out-of-jail-free cards?
But since the goal is to protect some random hero Ive never heard of, of course Ill turn a blind eye. Still, Dentz wants me to investigate the Frostscale base to verify their claims. And it seems Longbow isnt the only part interested. The Frostscale HQ is overrun by Arachnos troops, led by none other than Makos right-claw lackey, Barracuda. It would seem that Frostscales information is on the level, but they refuse to share anything following the trauma and insult of the Arachnos raid on their home. And me being the sensitive altruist that I am, I just let this slide with no followup.
Eventually, Frostscales leader manages to compose himself and reveal that a young Defender named Stargem is Makos target, but the reasoning for this is obscure at best: Stargem has the remarkable ability to stay alive without any backup hero support, which deeply offends Mako, apparently. (Its also said that Stargem is almost completly [sp.] helpless without protection; contradictions?)
So naturally, I leap in to snatch Stargem from the shark jaws of death, and in the process I arrest Mako himself. But wait! A member of Frostscale is there too! I rescue the reptilian interloper and she makes a mad dash for the nearest exit. Still, for some reason, I dont think anything of this little cameo.
And so the assassination is foiled and innocent young Stargem is free to hero it up once again. Mission accomplished, right? Not so fast. Remember Frostscale? The hero-hunting dinosaur cadre with complete immunity from Longbow or any other law organization? It seems theyve set up shop just outside Paragon City for whatever reason, and are just cooling their heels. Commander Dentz insists that they are out of our jurisdiction, but thats not good enough for me. As he looks the other way, I make for the Frostscale-occupied office building to see whats up.
And then, the wth? moment: not only has Stargem willingly joined Frostscale, but she has physically transformed into a lizard-like ice-flinging rage machine. After a long and difficult battle -- and shes screaming insults the entire time -- I defeat the girl I rescued and make the world safe again for heroes.
Where to begin
. This arc is only three missions long, and two missions have surprise EB/AV appearances. Barracuda shows up with no warning at all, and Mako himself is only implied at until youre inside. As always, I strongly advocate having highlighted text to indicate an AV or a time limit, and Im sure most people would agree with me. No one likes rounding a corner to find Barracuda bearing down on them.
Im willing to suspend some disbelief regarding an organization of villainous dinosaurs, but I did not much care for Frostscale. Due mostly to Clues scattered around their headquarters, I felt like their presence was little more than a VG plug.
Stargem raises a whole slew of problems. When I first meet her, shes a relatively passive empathic healer, who insists that Makos arrest comes before her own safety. During her second appearance, shes become an scaly ice-queen filled with hate. Her reasons for joining Frostscale seem flimsy; Its payback for every hero that was never there when I needed them! The several times she introduces me to the floor, she would say, Whats wrong, dont have a healer to save you from your own incompetence? And when Im finally victorious, she merely mutters Ill kill you several times. I suppose Im expected to feel pity, for whatever reason. However, my final impression is that Stargem is nothing more than a former h34lzorz who didnt get the attention she wanted.
Assorted miscellany:<ul type="square">[*]Typo: Clawsights description- memeber- should be member, also appears in Frostscale Assaults description[*]Typo: Frostscale Assaults description- start of as assaults- should be off[*]Missing word: Stargems description- As a child spent most of her life- I assume there should be a she in there somewhere[*]In most Frostscale descriptions, Frostscale ranks should be capitalized; (eg. Assault, Mauler, etc.)[*]Mission 1: Typo: Frostscales Goal clue: presense- should be presence[*]Mission 2: Typo: Intro text: bargin[*]M2: Missing word: we came the conclusion that- I assume you mean we came to the conclusion that[*]M2: Typo: Intro text: due to the natue of[*]M2: Typo: Intro text: completly- should be completely[*]M2: Stargems guard says Oh crap its Blue Dragonling! Get him! Blue Dragonling is my main Blaster, and a noticeably-female character. Id replace him with the $himher substitution.[*]M2: Typo: Stargem clue: supposest- should be supposed[*]Mission 3: Typo: Return text: braverly- should be bravely[/list]This arc is plagued with issues. Many typos, some inexplicable plot twists, surprise AV/EB fights, run-on sentences/walls-o-text, questionable motivation and a Contact who has less personality than a packing peanut. For the time being, I feel compelled to rate it with only 2 stars
Rise of the Copper Legion (#60280; with soundtrack)
The Fractured Dreamer (#498588; with musical theme)
"Now Leaving: Paragon City": original composition for the end of CoH
Okay, Ive been debating about this for a long time, and here it is: my first attempt at a review thread!
The goal here is to provide some (hopefully) helpful comments to my fellow MArcers and -- since this is a quid pro quo format -- get some exposure for my own work.
I want to make this clear from the start: these will be subjective reviews. I will do my best to be objective, but theres no such thing as an opinion-less review. Im all for fairness, however. I wont just say I hated your arc and leave it at that. Odds are Ill never say I hate someones work, and if I didnt like an arc, I will explain why. Conversely, I will try to point out why I did like an arc, to show what ought to be encouraged in the future.
Most reviews will be intended to be helpful. Or, to put it another way, I wont be entertaining readers at the expense of an author. I dont write for shock value, nor do I take pleasure in giving people harsh criticism. If I do say something you disagree with, I encourage you to reply, but try to be civil. If I feel you are merely being argumentative, I will ignore you and move on. But its no easy task to offend me, so I wouldnt be worried about that.
I will focus on whatever aspects of your arc make an impression on me. Im not a min-maxer, so combat numbers tend to go right over my head. I dont farm, but I doubt people submit those for review anyway. I enjoy a good story, but I probably wont go into an in-depth analysis of what such-and-such character is supposed to represent, or if the unifying theme is consistent with the decay of modern society, or so on and so on. Im not an expert on in-game canon, but if something strikes me as obviously false, I will point it out. I will also do cursory glances for grammar and typos.
In most cases, I will solo arcs at the lowest difficulty setting with my lvl 50 Fire/Fire Blaster (who is also adequately set up for exemplaring). If a Boss or AV gives me more trouble than Id like (i.e. granting me several impromptu faceplants), I might switch over to an alt and re-try the arc. I do not ragequit arcs, but I wont finish an overwhelmingly daunting task if Im not invested in the story. In any case, I will note this as thoroughly as I can in the review. Arcs I dont complete will not receive star ratings, but I will mention in the review the rating I feel wouldve been appropriate.
Please note that real-life takes priority. I am in college now, and I work part-time. I will review as many arcs as I can during the week, but weekends are already hectic enough for me. If I dont respond to your responses, or seem otherwise absent, please dont take it personally.
All that aside, I come to submissions. Since Im not completely selfless, this is a quid-pro-quo thread; if youd like me to review your arc, I expect some feedback on one of my own arcs in return. When I receive something constructive (either in-game or in my arcs respective forum threads), I will add your arc to my queue. If we make an arrangement and I play your arc before receiving feedback, Ill probably just hold your review hostage until I hear from you. If you send me feedback in-game, please just add your arcs ID# to the end. If its a forum response, Id like the ID# plus the arcs title plus your global handle (if its different from your forum name). All this will help speed up the process. Any additional information is fine, but honestly, it probably wouldnt change anything. I have no preferences for level range, morality, length, etc.
I also wanted to point out that ratings or comments I receive on my own arcs will not affect your chances. That is to say, a 5-star rating does not guarantee you a similar rating. Nor do I revenge-rate arcs based on negative feedback. That wouldnt be fair to the people who genuinely didnt enjoy my work, and Im not arrogant enough to think that there wont be any critical response.
Since this is my first dedicated review thread, I might find that my queue becomes more than I can handle. If this happens, I will post an announcement that the queue will be closed until I can make some headway. And I will make this announcement in big bold letters. Or maybe with a funny hat. Anything to let people know that they wont be added, regardless of further feedback I receive.
To summarize: Give me constructive feedback on one of my arcs and I will review one of yours in return. I will try to be fair, but Im not perfect, so please be polite and courteous. I will run arcs solo to apply as much of my attention to the story as possible. And lastly, my sanity -- or semblance thereof -- is my highest priority.
And with that, I offer my arcs for consideration:
Arc Name: The Double-Edged Sword
Arc ID: 4384
Morality: Heroic
Length: Long
Level Ranges: Three missions 30-54, two missions 40-54
Difficulty: Medium- Final mission contains 1 AV, but with optional Allies; a few collections, several rescues (Captives and Allies)
Synopsis: At first it seemed like business as usual for Crey Industries. But when a shady experiment spirals out of control, it's up to you to stop the growing threat.
Arc Name: Dr. Dave and the Copper Legion
Arc ID: 60280
Morality: Heroic
Length: Very Long
Level Ranges: All levels cap at 54; min. levels are 35-5-1-1-41.
Difficulty: Medium- Final mission contains 1 AV, but with two Allies; many collections, some captives to rescue, an escort mission
Synopsis: When an ancient weapon is unearthed by forces unknown, do you have what it takes to save Paragon City from destruction?
and (just for fun)
Theme Music: The Copper Legion - soundtrack/instrumental, 5:21
I look forward to hearing from you!
-the Hedoren
Rise of the Copper Legion (#60280; with soundtrack)
The Fractured Dreamer (#498588; with musical theme)
"Now Leaving: Paragon City": original composition for the end of CoH