theHedoren's Friendly QPQ Review Corner

theHedoren · 05-30-2009 12:56 AM

Arc Name: Small Fears [SFMA]
Arc ID: 12285
Morality: Heroic
Author: @Wall of Knight
---
Paragon City is a place that stretchs the norm to the very edge. Wandering within the citys limits are all manner of aliens, mystic warriors, animal hybrids and demonic apparitions. It would be something extraordinary indeed to faze a citizen of the city of heroes.

And so I went into Small Fears with high expectations, which might be unfair to the author. Something that instills absolute terror in the innocent should, at the very least, make some positive impression on me.

Im contacted by a teenager called Oracular Urchin -- he claims his name is not important. It seems that something is advancing on our city with the intention of terrorizing the populace and driving us back into our childhood fears. Naturally, it decided to start with those already living with childhood fears -- aka: the children. My Contact asks me to go and free several youngsters from a school besieged by this darkness. (He corrects himself mid-sentence during the briefing, so Im instantly suspicious of his motives.)

When I arrive at the school I find it filled with Childhood Fears, personified by ferocious beasts, evil clowns, and schoolyard bullies. A few have some interesting designs, but most are unimpressive and lacking the terror theyre supposed to instill. I make short work of this mission by rescuing three captured children, all verbally trembling and mentally traumatized. One of them is -- surprise! -- the Oracular Urchin. He claims he had to keep his indentity secret, so as not to be overheard. Overheard by what? Wait does this mean that my initial contact was nothing but an apparition? Im confused.

The Urchin now insists that the monsters were merely feelers, and that the true horror has yet to reveal itself. He senses a presence in an office building, and Im sent to investigate

and sure enough, the entire building is crawling with Childhood Fears. My instincts -- and the Compass text -- tell me theres something strange nearby, so I go searching for clues. What I find is indeed strange: a box full of old candy wrappers from the Praetorian Earth. How do I know its from Praetoria? The factory that manufactures them doesnt exist on our Earth, and theyre covered with ads for a spa run by Mother Mayhem.

But my work is hardly finished. I continue deeper into the office, which leads me to a cave, which drops me into the sewers and its Mother Mayhem herself! And not only that, but shes noticeably paranoid about a mysterious someone-else. So much so that shes weeping in fear. She even begs me to help.

The Urchin is very upset that I couldnt stop the source of the monsters, but he senses the thing in a hospital in a different dimension. Three guesses, and two dont count.

Indeed, Mother Mayhems asylum is teeming with the fear-eating monsters and -- at the far back of the hospital -- I finally meet her: a nightmarish dark demoness named Phobia. I waste no time in showing her why she should be afraid of me. And as soon as Phobia is vanquished, Mother Mayhem appears to reclaim her twisted playground. But she still wasnt happy to see me, for some reason.

See, it was her fault all along. She somehow persuaded Diabolique (aka: Praetorian Numina) to give her a mystical ritual that somehow involved the mind. And since Mother is such a renowned sorceress, of course she manages to perform the ritual successfully. What she didnt understand, though, is that the ritual was meant to summon a demoness that eats minds. She soon found her new companion to be uncontrollable, and thats when I entered the story.

There are problems with nearly every aspect of this arc. For starters, all three missions have some issues with the way objectives are listed in the Navigation text. In the first mission, my objectives upon entering are: Tad, 2 children to find and get to safety. A short way inside, I find the first child (named Tad); I defeat his captors and lead him to the exit. When hes safely outside, his objective disappears from the Nav bar. No problem. Farther inside, I find the second child (named Marilee). I defeat her guard monsters and the Nav text changes to Tad, 2 children to find and get to safety. Uh what? I lead her to the exit and the objective becomes merely Tad. I free the Urchin and the mission ends.

But thats not all! I ran this arc a second time (to try and clarify some plot points). This time, I decided to rescue the children in reverse order, starting with the Oracular Urchin. After defeating his guards, the Nav text became, 2 children to find and get to safety, 2 children to find and get to safety. It stayed this way until I had rescued all three objectives.

Im not sure what was causing these bizarre Nav directions, but I imagine it has something to do with misplaced text and/or mistakes with objective chains.

The next two missions have a different problem, namely the untimely revelation of information. For example, the beginning Nav text in Mission 2 is, A strange feeling from above A clue, maybe?, Mother Mayhem must be here. Find her! Setting aside the awkward phrasing and absurd jump in logic, I had absolutely no way to know that Mother Mayhem was here from the start; the Clue that vaguely hints at her involvement was half-way through the mission, and even then it would take a huge amount of suspension of disbelief to infer that Mother Mayhem was present.

The third mission has a similar issue by referring to the final boss as a fear demoness from the outset. Again, theres a clue partway through the mission that helps to explain this (though not very well).

Maybe Ive been sheltered up until now, but it seems like Im finding more and more arcs lately that launch AV/Ebs at me with little-to-no warning. There are three AV appearances in this arc: two instances of Mother Mayhem, and one of the custom Phobia. Now, I assumed that Phobia would be something fearsome and powerful, so that could be forgiven. Kinda. But for Mother Mayhem, I was given zero warning until I was inside the mission, and in the final mission she spawned directly between me and the exit. Let me say, shes one AV I do not want to be unprepared for; I was defeated 3-4 times both times I faced her. And eight-ish faceplants adds up to a lot of debt.

The Contact himself had his annoying moments, mostly in the form of inconsistant personality and awkwardly-written dialog. Hell switch erratically from clear-minded and sensible to incomprehensible, panicky gibberish.

In fact, all three children in this arc use an uncomfortable amount of ellipses (). In sparing amounts, these can make dialog text seem more alive, like a person is actually speaking. But the deluge present in this arc make the characters sound like theyre all having asthma attacks; I understand that this is meant to indicate fear, but it gets very tedious very quickly.

And speaking of fear, there were too many times that I felt like I was supposed to feel something. All three civilians -- and even Mother Mayhem -- were practically quaking in terror at Phobia and her minions. I myself was told to feel an ominous apprehension when approaching a cardboard box (which later turned out to contain the Praetorian trash). By the end, I had a certain phrase running rampant in my mind: If I say it enough, maybe itll become true!

For all its faults, I did find one thing I liked about this arc: the custom mobs. Every one of them has a nicely fiendish appearance that truly did echo the childhood anxieties theyre supposed to represent. Phobia herself as a wonderful ominous shadow look that I found fiercely appropriate.

This is the point where Id normally do my catalog of miscellany, but I found no typos or grammatical mistakes at all. At any rate, I believe Ive mentioned everything already.

So surprise AVs, bizarre logic/plot holes, inelegant objective formats and an uninteresting/irritating Contact. Im always unwilling to rate arcs low, but Id feel dishonest if I rated higher than 2 stars for this arc.

Rise of the Copper Legion (#60280; with soundtrack)
The Fractured Dreamer (#498588; with musical theme)

"Now Leaving: Paragon City": original composition for the end of CoH

TeChameleon · 05-30-2009 01:49 AM

Hmm... well, thank you for the detailed review- some responses...

[ QUOTE ]
Im not sure what was causing these bizarre Nav directions, but I imagine it has something to do with misplaced text and/or mistakes with objective chains.

[/ QUOTE ]
... if you'll excuse me, I'm going to froth incoherently for a while.

EVERY SINGLE [censored] PATCH BREAKS THE SODDING COMPASS TEXT WORSE THAN THE LAST ONE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGG HHHHHH!!!!

Er... sorry. I feel a bit better now. But not much.

I'm about at the point that I'd like to punch the person who keeps buggering the compass text in the throat, though. Do you have any idea how many times I've had to fix those [censored] stupid navbar text clues? I swear, I've spent more time on those things than the entire rest of the arc put together.

What's supposed to happen (and, indeed, what used to happen... sometimes, when the moon was aligned and the server was in a good mood) is the fact that the '2 children to rescue' was identical in all the rescue-multiple dialogues caused it to display just once. The name-of-a-rescuee-randomly-appearing is a consistent problem I've run across in several arcs, my own and others, and haven't had a whole lot of luck getting rid of it.

*sigh*

Looks like I have another fruitless night of hammering on the friggin' navbar text ahead of me, which will inevitably broken in some new and horrible fashion by the next patch.

Anyways, moving on...

[ QUOTE ]
When I arrive at the school I find it filled with Childhood Fears, personified by ferocious beasts, evil clowns, and schoolyard bullies. A few have some interesting designs, but most are unimpressive and lacking the terror theyre supposed to instill.

[/ QUOTE ]
Wait, there were clowns on the school map? They should only have appeared in the final mission...

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Overheard by what? Wait does this mean that my initial contact was nothing but an apparition? Im confused.

[/ QUOTE ]
Oop- yeah, sorry, guess I should clarify that; your first meeting with the Urchin (his actual name is Jake, if you care, but it really isn't important) is a psychic projection on his part- the psychic-ness is also how he's sensing all this crap.

[ QUOTE ]
For example, the beginning Nav text in Mission 2 is, A strange feeling from above A clue, maybe?, Mother Mayhem must be here. Find her!

[/ QUOTE ]
That'd be the broken navbar text again. I hadn't realized the patch had broken it, although why I'm surprised, I'm not sure- every single other patch has broken the damn thing. It's supposed to switch to "Mother Mayhem etc." after you click the glowie.

[ QUOTE ]
the Clue that vaguely hints at her involvement was half-way through the mission, and even then it would take a huge amount of suspension of disbelief to infer that Mother Mayhem was present.

[/ QUOTE ]
Uhm... why? Praetorian trash (the fact that it's from Praetoria and has basically been marinating in bad vibes at the asylum is what makes it ominous, not the fact that it's trash) in Paragon City seems a reasonable clue, and the fact that it's directly related to Mother Mayhem, well... I don't know; it just doesn't seem like all that much of a logical leap to me.

[ QUOTE ]
Maybe Ive been sheltered up until now, but it seems like Im finding more and more arcs lately that launch AV/Ebs at me with little-to-no warning.

[/ QUOTE ]
Uhm- the description text says quite bluntly "EB/AVs present". Mother Mayhem's involvement is a plot point that I didn't really want to give away, to be honest :/

My apologies for the faceplants, anyways.

[ QUOTE ]
The Contact himself had his annoying moments, mostly in the form of inconsistant personality and awkwardly-written dialog. Hell switch erratically from clear-minded and sensible to incomprehensible, panicky gibberish.

[/ QUOTE ]
Hmm... going to have to take another look at this- ditto the ellipses, although I personally find the '...' thing a difficult balance to hit.

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I myself was told to feel an ominous apprehension when approaching a cardboard box

[/ QUOTE ]
I'm pretty sure I just had you feel something 'wrong' about the box, not 'ominous apprehension' >.>

[ QUOTE ]
For all its faults, I did find one thing I liked about this arc: the custom mobs. Every one of them has a nicely fiendish appearance that truly did echo the childhood anxieties theyre supposed to represent. Phobia herself as a wonderful ominous shadow look that I found fiercely appropriate.

[/ QUOTE ]
... I appreciate the compliment, but didn't you say at the start of the review that you found them bland? O.o

[ QUOTE ]
surprise AVs

[/ QUOTE ]
Aside from, y'know, the bloody description saying "Contains EB/AVs" before you ever started, and clearly visible every time you open the Architect Options menu.

[ QUOTE ]
inelegant objective formats

[/ QUOTE ]
That would be 'broken' more than 'inelegant', but eh :/

[ QUOTE ]
uninteresting/irritating Contact

[/ QUOTE ]
That's something I'm going to have to work on, I guess- any suggestions (well, beyond fixing the dialogue inconsistencies, obviously).

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Id feel dishonest if I rated higher than 2 stars for this arc.

[/ QUOTE ]
Uhm... ouch?

*sigh*

I suppose that's what I get for trying for an arc as subjective as a horror one

Assuming I ever manage to get the navbar text working right again (yes, it actually used to work properly, although that's starting to feel more and more like a distant, happy dream -_-), do you think a second runthrough would change anything?

EDIT- if any of my responses came across as aggressive, I apologize (well, aside from the 'surprise AV' thing- it's right in the description!)- I'm mostly just frustrated with having to rework the whole stupid thing every time a patch hits. Guess I may as well get used to it :/

"A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head." Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates

MA Arcs: #12285, "Small Fears", #106553, "Trollbane", #12669, "How to Survive a Robot Uprising"

theHedoren · 05-30-2009 03:53 AM

[ QUOTE ]
Do you have any idea how many times I've had to fix those [censored] stupid navbar text clues? I swear, I've spent more time on those things than the entire rest of the arc put together.

[/ QUOTE ]
Whenever something like this pops up, my gut response is to assume author error. Maybe I'm just getting cynical with my MA experience. Either way, since I've had the good fortune not to encounter this in my own arcs, I can only imagine the amount of /headdesk you must endure during the day.

[ QUOTE ]
...your first meeting with the Urchin (his actual name is Jake, if you care, but it really isn't important) is a psychic projection on his part- the psychic-ness is also how he's sensing all this crap.

[/ QUOTE ]
If it's any consolation, it was very clear throughout the arc that he had psychic sensing abilities.

[ QUOTE ]
Praetorian trash (the fact that it's from Praetoria and has basically been marinating in bad vibes at the asylum is what makes it ominous, not the fact that it's trash) in Paragon City seems a reasonable clue, and the fact that it's directly related to Mother Mayhem, well... I don't know; it just doesn't seem like all that much of a logical leap to me.

[/ QUOTE ]
Admittedly, it's not a huge stretch to assume that Praetorians are involved. But to say something specific -- like "Mother Mayhem must be here" -- when the only evidence is her name on an old wrapper....

I could definitely see this working if you introduced some kind of contact with the Urchin (in the chat window text, maybe?). Depending on the range of his powers, maybe he could sense her presence from the psychic traces in the wrappers, kinda like an ESP bloodhound.

[ QUOTE ]
Uhm- the description text says quite bluntly "EB/AVs present". Mother Mayhem's involvement is a plot point that I didn't really want to give away, to be honest :/

[/ QUOTE ]
In all fairness, I'm having a tough time thinking of a subtle way to announce her without giving anything away. Maybe have some highlighted text in the Intro that says something like, "Be prepared for the worst"? I dunno....

As far as AV/EBs go, I knew going into the arc that I'd be facing at least one, probably at the end. Ideally, though, there would be some kind of warning before accepting each mission if I should expect a big fight soon. Not exactly a set rule, but it seems to be a common opinion that I happen to share.

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I'm pretty sure I just had you feel something 'wrong' about the box, not 'ominous apprehension'

[/ QUOTE ]
This was likely a mis-interpretation on my part. But it starts to make sense now that you've mentioned that it's been "marinating in bad vibes". Maybe you could include something like that in the mission? Without it, I don't usually sense anything "wrong" with average-looking cardboard boxes.

[ QUOTE ]
... I appreciate the compliment, but didn't you say at the start of the review that you found them bland? O.o

[/ QUOTE ]
I apologize for the inconsistency. By the time I was finishing my review, I was also running through the arc a second time to make sure I didn't miss anything important, and the Childhood Fears were definitely growing on me by then.

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
uninteresting/irritating Contact

[/ QUOTE ]
That's something I'm going to have to work on, I guess- any suggestions (well, beyond fixing the dialogue inconsistencies, obviously).

[/ QUOTE ]
IMO, interesting characters feel like they exist outside of just the one story. They have their own friends, pastimes, histories and... well... lives. For them, this story is just a single moment in time, and then they'll continue doing other things.

Also, never underestimate the power of personal quirks. Maybe he ends every other sentence with a question, or consistently pronounces certain words wrong. If all else fails, put more of yourself into the character.

[ QUOTE ]
I suppose that's what I get for trying for an arc as subjective as a horror one

Assuming I ever manage to get the navbar text working right again (yes, it actually used to work properly, although that's starting to feel more and more like a distant, happy dream -_-), do you think a second runthrough would change anything?

[/ QUOTE ]
Horror is extremely difficult to pull off in a medium that has little control over the audience. I certainly don't think I could make the grade. Like comedy, there's no middle ground; either the players get it or they don't.

Fixing the Nav bar issue would be a substantial improvement, if it is indeed fixable. That alone should bump it to the next star.

With a few tweaks here and there, I would absolutely be willing to re-run your arc. I feel bad giving such a harsh review. I was in a "brutally honest/cynical" mindset at the time, and am normally a much more lenient grader.

Keep me posted!

RESPONSE TO EDIT- Aggressive-schmaggressive. I wouldn't worry about it.

Rise of the Copper Legion (#60280; with soundtrack)
The Fractured Dreamer (#498588; with musical theme)

"Now Leaving: Paragon City": original composition for the end of CoH

TeChameleon · 05-30-2009 05:04 AM

[ QUOTE ]
Whenever something like this pops up, my gut response is to assume author error. Maybe I'm just getting cynical with my MA experience. Either way, since I've had the good fortune not to encounter this in my own arcs, I can only imagine the amount of /headdesk you must endure during the day.

[/ QUOTE ]
It's entirely possible that this is something I'm doing wrong and not realizing- after all, I've only tried everything I can think of, not necessarily everything >.O

Mind you, this seems to be tied directly to me wanting to both chain objectives and have multiple objectives that only show up as a single piece of navbar text.

[ QUOTE ]
Admittedly, it's not a huge stretch to assume that Praetorians are involved. But to say something specific -- like "Mother Mayhem must be here" -- when the only evidence is her name on an old wrapper....

[/ QUOTE ]
Hmm... actually, I think I can see how I can rework this one without too much trouble, and it would tie in to letting you know she's there ahead of time as well (if you're paying attention- even if you're not, though, I think the clue I'm going to put into the briefing should be enough to warn 'large nasty psychic thing', which should hopefully be enough).

[ QUOTE ]
IMO, interesting characters feel like they exist outside of just the one story. They have their own friends, pastimes, histories and... well... lives. For them, this story is just a single moment in time, and then they'll continue doing other things.

[/ QUOTE ]
... *lightbulb goes on* Hmm. That's rather good advice- something that I think I was at least peripherally aware of, and that I've used in some of my other work, but which is sadly lacking in my MA arcs (well, in this one- the other two, one has BAB as your contact, and the other... well, give it a shot if you have time- it doesn't have to be a review, but you might like it if you like quirky contacts. #12669, "How to Survive a Robot Uprising"... or I might just run your other arc for the QPQ thing )

[ QUOTE ]
Horror is extremely difficult to pull off in a medium that has little control over the audience. I certainly don't think I could make the grade. Like comedy, there's no middle ground; either the players get it or they don't.

[/ QUOTE ]
You know what's... huh. You know, I think this actually is an appropriate use of the word. Ironic, that is. You know what's ironic? I can't stand horror as a genre. It bores me to tears, for the most part, or else I wind up wanting to kick one or more people in it (for either being morons or jerks). This story just kind of wrote itself :/

[ QUOTE ]
Fixing the Nav bar issue would be a substantial improvement, if it is indeed fixable.

[/ QUOTE ]
Here's to hoping >.<

[ QUOTE ]
With a few tweaks here and there, I would absolutely be willing to re-run your arc. I feel bad giving such a harsh review. I was in a "brutally honest/cynical" mindset at the time, and am normally a much more lenient grader.

[/ QUOTE ]
Heh... no worries (I've been there. Don't grade while sleepy and grumpy, it doesn't work well >.&gt, and thanks for the willingness.

And harsh or no (and yeah, it was very definitely harsh), the feedback was useful (well... moreso the second round, but nevertheless).

EDIT- Oh- don't know when I'll get to it, might be a few days at the very least; I'm on crunch time for banging out a manuscript (... it feels really weird to dignify it with that name, but I guess that's technically what it is). On the other hand, I'll probably need a break at some point, so who knows?

"A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head." Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates

MA Arcs: #12285, "Small Fears", #106553, "Trollbane", #12669, "How to Survive a Robot Uprising"

theHedoren · 05-30-2009 01:25 PM

Okay, all:

My queue is down to two arcs, and no new submissions are coming in.

On the whole, I'm glad I started this thread as a "quid-pro-quo" system. I've received loads of useful feedback, and I now have plenty of tuning and rewrites to keep myself busy with (including a total overhaul of #4384 ).

Since the queue is almost depleted, I am temporarily removing this thread's QPQ status. That's right: for the time being, it's no longer a requirement to review my arcs first! 'Course, I won't complain if you still decide to put me to the test, but don't feel like you have to.

And for those of you who would like me to review a second arc, just let me know!

Rise of the Copper Legion (#60280; with soundtrack)
The Fractured Dreamer (#498588; with musical theme)

"Now Leaving: Paragon City": original composition for the end of CoH

TeChameleon · 05-30-2009 08:50 PM

Hehe... just 'cos I'm greedy- toss "How to Survive a Robot Uprising" (#12669) onto the pile. Odds are good that I'll review your other arc anyways, but this way I can beat the rush

Fixing Small Fears is proceeding apace- I think I got some of the worst offenders repaired- we'll see, I'm testing now.

EDIT: Okay, if my testing is in any way accurate, I think I've fixed everything I can (I'm within maybe four characters of the size limit, so I couldn't expand on characterization and such as much as I would have liked to). Hopefully it's ready for a re-run, Hedoren.

"A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head." Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates

MA Arcs: #12285, "Small Fears", #106553, "Trollbane", #12669, "How to Survive a Robot Uprising"

Talen Lee · 05-31-2009 01:27 AM

I just want to quip in here and note that while I agree the stylistic elements of horror do not well-befit the superhero genre, I think TeCh has done well with his constraints... especially considering how assiduously that nav text has been kicking his [censored]. It's made me very fond of static objectives with intuitive progression.

Heroes, Villains ♦ Reviews ♦ Retrospect

Alari_Azure · 05-31-2009 07:09 AM

Well, if you need something to do, I'll toss in my mini-version of my custom group, Slash DeMento and the Stolen Weapons. I've recently done a rewrite since Pro Payne gave me a very good review. I would like to see another reviewers opinion of it. (Pro Payne really seemed to like the improvements and said it was a fun mission.)

Arc Name: Slash DeMento and the Stolen Weapons
Slash DeMento and his gang, the Demon Spawn, (that came about after Slash gave Frostfire a beating and took half the Outcasts with him to start the new gang) have stolen some Weapons and a Bomb from the Paragon City Armory. Their target area is somewhere in Atlas Park. You need to defeat him, destroy the Bomb and confiscate those stolen Weapons.
Arc ID: 100045
Faction: Heroic
Creator Global/Forum Name: @Alari Azure
Difficulty Level: 1-54
Synopsis: Single mission that is a hint at the new custom enemy group in the next arc in the list.
Medium Map/Custom Enemy Group/Ambush/Boss/Collection/Destructable Object/Patrol. (No EB/AVs, but the axers can be a bit tough on squishies)

No AV/EBs Deal with The Devil's Pawn-207266 Slash DeMento and the Stolen Weapons-100045 Meet the Demon Spawn-151099 Feedback

theHedoren · 05-31-2009 02:14 PM

Arc Name: Times Maelstrom
Arc ID: 182874
Morality: Heroic
Author: @Armory1
---
Ive mentioned before how easy it is to get time-travel wrong, with so many chances for loose ends and convaluted storylines. What @Armory1 presented for my consideration is an example of how to do it right. Or at least, as right as the time-travel genre can be.

The Menders of Ouroboros are tracking a disturbance in the timestream, and they think they know exactly whats at the cause of it. It seems that a future version of Manticore has leapt through ten years of time to get to our present day, and hes using a method unknown to the Menders. This worries Mender Silos, who says that inaccurate or imperfect time-travel can be disastrous to the timestream. He wants me to find future-Manticore and escort him to Ouroboros.

Future-Mantis time-travel method was indeed imperfect, as it dropped him into a Freakshow warehouse and left him disoriented and helpless. But his own discomfort is nothing compared to the Clue-bomb he drops upon his rescue.

A mere ten years from now, a supervillain named Maelstrom manages to seize control of the North American Aerospace Defence Command (aka: [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Norad]NORAD[url]. He swiftly launches several nuclear warheads, devastating both Paragon City and the Rogue Isles. With the USAs nuclear arsenal at his command and most of the worlds superhero population decimated, Maelstrom and his group (Deaths Hand) become the de facto rulers of the world.

Though most of the Freedom Phalanx is killed (including a future version of me!), Positron and Manticore manage to survive. Since the only person ever to defeat Maelstrom was future-me, Posi and Manti decide to go back in time to fetch me. And since they cant access Ouroboros themselves, they fashion a crude portal device from Posis armor and a damaged Ouroboros crystal.

Heres where it starts to get complicated. As it turns out, Maelstroms future is from an alternate time stream, containing events that would never happen in our own stream (often called the Main). According to Silos, time streams branch off of the Main quite often, but they dont re-merge, especially after a longer period of time passes. When Posis device sent Manticore from an alternate stream back into the Main, he ends up forcing the streams to align -- in other words, he brought his future with him.

Since the Menders have no control over the merging, it instead becomes crucial to stop key events from taking place in the hopes of preventing a global catastrophe. The Menders have found a cryogenics lab containing the frozen body of businessman Martin Langstrom. In the Main timeline, Langstrom dies when the facility is hit by a powerful storm. But in Manticores timeline, storm + cryo technology + latent mutant powers = the storm-powered villain Maelstrom. Silos believes this a key point to alter the timestream, so I am sent in to remove frozen Langstrom before the disaster.

But Luck doesnt seem to like me. The time distortions are interfering with Ouroboros technology, making time-jumping inaccurate at best. When I arrive at the cryo lab, the storm has already hit and Langstrom already has his powers. I defeat him this time, but the empowering cannot be undone.

Silos is understandably upset by this, but he has a more pressing concern. As the new future timestream becomes clearer to the Menders, they learn that Maelstrom will not only conquer to world, he will discover Posis makeshift time machine. He will then use the machine to collapse all potential timelines back into the Main, making his timestream the only timestream and eradicating all chances of his defeat. As Silos says, Maelstrom will rule the United States, then the planet Earth, and finally Time itself.

But theres still a chance. See, when Maelstroms groupmates find the device, they decide to test it first. Which means that Maelstroms top mind (a villain called PsiLord) will be traveling into the past where he is vulnerable. And so, doing what I do best, I fly in and foil PsiLord and several key members of Deaths Hand. PsiLord is now trapped in the past, and will never manage to perfect Posis time machine. Time, at least, is safe.

However, theres still the matter of nuclear chaos and the deaths of millions of innocent people at Maelstroms hand. For want of a better option, Silos agrees to undertake Manticores original plan and send me to defeat future-Maelstrom before he completes his incursion on NORAD.

Thankfully, the Menders are regaining accurate control of their Pillars and are able to send me directly into NORADs headquarters during Maelstroms attack. With the help of future-Manticore (who impatiently tagged along) and several USAF officers, Deaths Hand is defeated and the apocalypse is averted, thus preventing Positron from ever creating the time machine, thus separating all timestreams and preventing damage to the Main. Mission accomplished

or so I thought. Silos is pleased with the re-balancing of the timestream, but Posis machine still exists in the alternate future, and its very existance is still a threat to Time. Also, it would mean that the Menders previous attempts to map causality are useless, and future catastrophes could appear with no warning. My final mission is -- using Ouroboros safer technology -- to travel to the alternate stream and destroy Positrons machine. Sure, I would be condemning that timeline to Maelstroms ruthless rule, but the rest of the timestreams would be safe.

Now, heres a good place to mention one of the arcs defining qualities: the final mission has a timer of 15 minutes, making failure possible. This effectively gives me a choice: I can destroy the time machine -- as well as their last hope -- or I can do nothing, which saves their timeline but creates an unknown future with unseen consequences. I ran the arc two times, just to see both possible endings.

Victory Scenario: The Main timeline continues as it would have before the whole debacle, but the alternate stream is beyond saving. Silos tries to console me, saying that I was an agent of nature, ensuring that Times flow continues organically. He also throws the age-old expression that true heroes must make difficult choices, and great sacrifices. Ive brought about an immeasurable amount of good, but must live with the consequences.

Failure Scenario: I return to Silos, who is practically livid. Thanks to me, The future has been changed. The remainder of the Main timeline is now uncharted; if the future contains some terrible disaster, we would be unable to stop it until it was too late.

Honestly, both endings have their merits, and I cant decide which one I like better.

But this is just one of the arcs impressive points.

Definitely worth mentioning is the way time-travel was handled. As long as you pay attention to Clues and Silos dialog, its easy to stay informed on the intricacies of the plot. The authors explanations of timestreams made implied analogies to a plumbing system with terms like the Main and referring to time leaks. This was extremely helpful in wrapping my head around the concept. Also, time-travel has its limitations and consequences, an idea that is crucial to the storyline.

Even with something as abstract and convaluted as multiple timelines, the author leaves nothing to chance, including the possible reactions of the player regarding the arcs outcome. He made it very clear that I had the final decision. Not many arcs do that, instead trying to predict a players one reaction.

The custom mobs are well designed, with interesting character traits and simplistic (in a good way) costume designs. Of particular mention is the character Multitude. In both appearances of the Deaths Hand group, every single Minion mob is a division of Multitude, a villain who can split into an indeterminate number of duplicates. This is played with humorously, as many duplicates have trouble remembering their number. Also, this is the most entertaining justification Ive seen for a Defeat All. I would also point out the custom Positron in the final mission, with incomplete armor and a scaled-down difficulty to match.

As far as problem points, I had issues with the map selection in Mission 2. I understand that Mother Mayhems hospital is meant to represent a storm-ravaged lab. To me, it seems woefully low-tech, something unfitting for a cryogenics facility. Possibly one of the Abandoned Tech labs would be better suited?

I was also displeased with the two timed missions. Only one was announced beforehand, and even then it was in the missions Sendoff text -- which defeats the purpose of a warning, as Ive already committed to the mission. IMO, time-limit warnings should always be in the Intro text, but AV warnings can be in either Intro or Sendoff. Dont get me wrong: the final timed mission was fiercely appropriate for the plot, but a little heads-up wouldve been nice.

Short list of other stuff:<ul type="square">[*]Mission 4: Might be a bug, but the custom soldier Allies belong to the group All Custom Characters[*]M4: Manticore has no left-behind text. I usually like to know when my Allies have abandoned me mid-mission so I can be prepared for upcoming Bosses or AVs.[*]Mission 5: Typo: Intro text: seperate- should be sep[u]a[u]rate[/list]Overall, an excellent arc with tremendous levels of detail and forethought. The plot is virtually airtight, barring a few quick Why cant you do it yourself? moments from me. Well-written characters, an appropriate challenge level, slightly reading-intensive, good pacing. 5 stars.

Rise of the Copper Legion (#60280; with soundtrack)
The Fractured Dreamer (#498588; with musical theme)

"Now Leaving: Paragon City": original composition for the end of CoH

Deathbug · 05-31-2009 02:34 PM

Thanks for the very detailed review. I'm really pleased the story held together, I can't count the number of headaches I gave myself with this thing.

As to your specific points...the map in Mish 2 was originally a Crey lab but I thought it didn't resemble a pseudo-medical facility enough. I'll change it back, as the hospital map has failed to grow on me.

Announcing the time limit in the Intro text is a bit tougher...I'm at 997 characters now, for starters. I was also hoping a time limit is strongly implied, as Silos says he's sending you to stop them from using their device. But I agree with you in general, it's best to state it in the Intro. So I'll see what I can do.

Thank you again for a very thorough and thoughtful review!

Emansor · 06-04-2009 06:56 PM

The Double Edged Sword 4384

Played on a 50 Fire/Fire Blaster with Set IOs
Set at Difficulty 3

Mission 1

Mynx is the contact and tells me Crey are bringing a cargo ship into port and are trying to keep it under wraps, hidden. I am sent into Crey Industries lawyers office to find a manifest so we can sort this out.

Typical office map with four floors, not too bad.

- The computer was on the second floor and it was the first clickable object I came across, mission complete. I went to the other floors just to see if anything else was there and saw a bunch of file cabinets that were largely useless since the mission was already finished, perhaps switch them around?

- De-briefing dialogue Where the ship will land at seems weird. Perhaps Which dock the ship will unload at?

Mission 2

Now knowing where the cargo ship will dock at, I am sent to retrieve the cargo from the ship.

You know what that means, the cargo ship map! It fits the story, so all is well, keep cool my babies, keep cool.

Over all, nice mission

Mission 3

The story progresses to a secret bunker/lab where Crey does experiments. I am sent to raid the place and rescue test subjects. The custom costumes on them look the part of someone in hospital gowns and the descriptions read of a report on them from a doctor. Nice touch, some of them are allies as well.

Mission 4

After freeing the test subjects, Mynx is worried about one that wont answer her phone calls or respond to her in any way. I am sent to check up on her.

I zone into A blue cave map and the nav bar says I need to rescue Dr. Widemore or something. I open the map and see its been half cleared, then I see three people come running toward me to the exit. Mission complete. I guess I somehow zoned into someone elses mission? Very strange.

I exit and re-enter and now see an orange office map with a nav bar that matches the story arc, all seems well. It appears the Carnies are looking for the same person I am, and I need to defeat the Carnie leader.

Mission 5

It appears that the person I was looking for became so powerful that she has become a threat to everyone, and in time, will be unstoppable because of what Crey did to her.

I zone into an outdoor Carnie map and see three optional allies can be rescued and I need to defeat our super human psychic.

I tried to solo her first, using a few inspirations, and she went down rather easily. Mission over. Longbow spawned in as if they were backup help, cool.

Overall I rated it at Three stars

The story was nice, but the Carnival of Shadows seemed out of place to me. Perhaps improve on why they want the missing girl, or how they know about her. I saw the dialogue about them wanting 'The Fountain', but it just felt like 'Ok, go fight Carnies now'.

The last mission claims that the missing girlbecame the Carnival of Shadows overlord? How and why was this able to happen?

The Crey missions were good, but to me, the story seemed to drop off when the Carnies were introduced.

I would recommend it though.

theHedoren · 06-04-2009 09:23 PM

Thanks for your feedback!

Frankly, I continue to find this arc riddled with problems, and in need of a serious re-write. For example, I really don't need the office mission and the cargo ship; I'll probably combine them and add something in between the Carnies' intro and the final AV fight. Just an example. Lots of stuff can and will be re-tooled when I find the energy to do it.

[ QUOTE ]
...the Carnival of Shadows seemed out of place to me. Perhaps improve on why they want the missing girl, or how they know about her. I saw the dialogue about them wanting 'The Fountain', but it just felt like 'Ok, go fight Carnies now'.

The last mission claims that the missing girlbecame the Carnival of Shadows overlord? How and why was this able to happen?

[/ QUOTE ]
The general idea was based on the idea that Vanessa DeVore needs a constant source of energy to keep the Carnies under her power. An "unstoppable fountain" of psionic energy seemed like just the ticket, so her minions go in to retrieve the poor girl. But Josephine's powers were too much and she easily overcame the Carnies (who were already psychically compromised by Vanessa's constant presence). Most of this is only vaguely hinted at, though. I'll see what I can do about this in the re-write.

I am glad, at least, that the AV wasn't crazy-hard. As for myself (a casual gamer with a Fire/Fire Blaster main), I usually need at least one ally to bring her down.

Again, thanks for the feedback!

And PS:
[ QUOTE ]
I zone into A blue cave map and the nav bar says I need to rescue Dr. Widemore or something. I open the map and see its been half cleared, then I see three people come running toward me to the exit. Mission complete. I guess I somehow zoned into someone elses mission? Very strange.

[/ QUOTE ]
Did this really happen? O.o

Rise of the Copper Legion (#60280; with soundtrack)
The Fractured Dreamer (#498588; with musical theme)

"Now Leaving: Paragon City": original composition for the end of CoH

theHedoren · 06-04-2009 09:32 PM

To whomever it may concern:

I am indeed still here, and do intend on continuing this thread. For now, at least, it seems the real world is laying it on thick -- when I finally manage to log into the game, I often don't have the energy or focus to do a proper review.

But fear not! I still have five arcs in my queue (including the new one from Emansor) and by all means intend to finish them.

Unless Comcast decides to spazz out on me again....

Thanks for your patience!

Oh, and my current queue is: 119228, 12669, 29262, 100045, 131780, and that's not counting a re-review I promised. In case anyone was worried.

Rise of the Copper Legion (#60280; with soundtrack)
The Fractured Dreamer (#498588; with musical theme)

"Now Leaving: Paragon City": original composition for the end of CoH

Emansor · 06-07-2009 07:50 PM

[ QUOTE ]

The general idea was based on the idea that Vanessa DeVore needs a constant source of energy to keep the Carnies under her power. An "unstoppable fountain" of psionic energy seemed like just the ticket, so her minions go in to retrieve the poor girl. But Josephine's powers were too much and she easily overcame the Carnies (who were already psychically compromised by Vanessa's constant presence). Most of this is only vaguely hinted at, though. I'll see what I can do about this in the re-write.

I am glad, at least, that the AV wasn't crazy-hard. As for myself (a casual gamer with a Fire/Fire Blaster main), I usually need at least one ally to bring her down.

[/ QUOTE ]

Hmmm, makes sense. I'll play it again when you re-write it.

[ QUOTE ]

And PS:

[ QUOTE ]
I zone into A blue cave map and the nav bar says I need to rescue Dr. Widemore or something. I open the map and see its been half cleared, then I see three people come running toward me to the exit. Mission complete. I guess I somehow zoned into someone elses mission? Very strange.

[/ QUOTE ]

Did this really happen? O.o

[/ QUOTE ]

Yeah, it was a bit surreal. Apparently zoning into someone elses in-progress mission has happened to other people as well.

ArrowRose · 08-23-2009 05:03 AM

I played your arc:

Arc Name: The Double-Edged Sword
Arc ID: 4384

I really enjoyed it. It had a good story and I loved the bits of humor you mixed in.

The two suggestions I have are:

- Give Mynx, your contact a bio.
- In the cargo ship mission the wording of the objective "9 search the cargo" seems a bit awkward to me. Maybe 9 Cargo to Search?

Now for the positives:

- I really enjoyed the story and was able to solo it on a mid level WS
- I loved your contact dialog. You provided info that was needed in a way that was fun to read.
- I loved the humor mixed in to the arc. I especially loved Will's Story. It actually made me laugh.
- I loved the allies, especially in the last mission!

I would love if you would play and review my arc. Here is the info:

In Pursuit of Liberty - 221702
by @Gypsy Rose

I hope you enjoy it!

@Gypsy Rose

In Pursuit of Liberty - 344916
The Vigilante - 395861
Suppression - 374481 - Winner of The American Legion's February 2011 AE Author Contest