ROFL!! That's brilliant mate!
@FloatingFatMan
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Truely you are the king of dialects, Kelv. 
Heh heh - that's brilliant. Rabbie would be proud.
"Idealism is such a wonderful thing. All you really need is someone rational to put it to proper use." - Kerr Avon
Myopic Aardvark on Twitter
I said that too Aardvark ^_^
"You're the next Robbie Burns"
hehehe
Technical point, Scots poetry is best enjoyed (and understood) when said aloud. The more you exaggerate the accent the better! Seven years of Burns has shown me that...
For those confused by the language, here is the translation into English. WARNING: This causes the loss of some of the poetry...
Ask And I Will Provide
By Kelvinbridge
You're soaked, and looking for a towel?
Don't worry.
You're exhausted, and needing a stool?
I'm on to it.
A can of Field, your mother's skull,
An apex day return from Hull?
You get them all, and more besides.
Just ask, and I will provide.
If you need something to drink,
I'm the one to make it.
I do advise you stop and think,
Exactly what you want to drink.
Once you order, there's no going back,
You'll take what's given, and that's that.
If you're sick, it's not my problem.
You should have been more careful.
If you order what you cannot stomach,
You're very clearly special.
Don't touch me! Give me more room.
I'll stab you with my Spork Of Doom.
I'm polite across the class divide,
So just ask, and I will provide.
What is it about today? I seem to have been awfully inspired today...
Anyways, forewarned is forarmed they say. Although I find forearms usually exist between elbow and wrist... The following poem is written in Scots dialect. It contains no rude words.
Please do provide comments, even if just to say that it was so dire you're now gouging your eyes out with the headless remains of a Barbie doll!
Sit back (but not so far you can't read the screen) and enjoy:
Aisk An Ah Will Provide, or The Song of the Scotbot
By Kelvinbridge
Yir drookit, an luikin fir a tooel?
Dinnae fash yirsel.
Yir fair pugglt, an needin a stool?
Ahm oan tae it.
A can o Field, yir mithers skull,
An apex day return frae Hull?
Ye git them a, an mair beside.
Jist aisk, an Ah will provide.
If ye need somthin tae drink,
Ahm the wan to mak it.
Ah dae advise ye stoap an think,
Exactly whit ye want tae drink.
Wance ye oarder, thirs nae gang back,
Ye tak whits giein, an thats that.
If ye boke, thats naw mah proablem.
Ye shud hiv been mair careful.
If ye oarder whit ye cannae stomach,
Yir virry clearly speyshul.
Dinnae touch me! Gie me mair room.
Ahll chib yiz wi mah Spork O Dhoom!
Ahm polite accroass the cless divide,
So jist aisk, an Ah will provide.