Nuclear Fire Turkeys - A True Story

[u]Nuclear Fire Turkeys[u] Chapter One
Many, many eons ago there was a barren and desolate planet called ...Earth... This planet was inhabited by strange ape like creatures (who for the sake of argument we shall called Man).Now Man was at what we would call the Stone Age period and no one was very bright. However one man called Ug had had a dream about another man who lived in a small shed on top of a mountain. In this dream the man had what can only be described as a wand and he was waving it about. Suddenly, without any warning at all, the wand shot a powerful beam of fire across the room, which jumped out of Ug's dream and hit a nearby forest. The forest set alight and the next thing that happened was that a strange beam of green light fell out of the sky.
Now whilst Ug was having this earth shattering dream, in a far off galaxy a war was being waged. This war was between the Merangatangs from the planet Mishnoo and the industrial robots from the planet Zarbox. Merangatangs were weird kind of edible, doughnut monkeys that were a funny shade of orange. The Zarboxian Industrial Robots were lemon shaped creatures, which were made from scrap metal from the universal scrap yard (which you can find just around the corner of the ninth black hole the other side of the Jumble Sale nebula).

The reason the war had started was because the Zarboxian planetary government (otherwise known as the ZPG) wanted the right to eat the Merangatangs because they has been for the past few millennia. However, the Zarboxian food of old realized that they also had a right to not be eaten and they revolted against the ZPG to try and fulfil thier rights. This however called an interstellar war because the Merangatangs fled to another planet by hijacking the ZPG's flying vacuum cleaners and their space vacuum immobilisers, which allowed them to breath in space.
Now The Universal Body of Unnatural Disasters and Weird Goings On (the TUBUDWGO, pronounced two-bud-waa-go) had never in their whole existence, which had been around 40 berlowtians (around about 400 trillion, trillion, trillion, millenia), seen anything as absurd as one species food fighting back in prevention of being eaten (with the exceptions being the planets Earth, Bingong, Trebellion and Farashaw). For this reason the TUBUDWGO decided that the only way to resolve this was to see which the more superior species was (and as you can guess the ZPG argued that they had to be more superior because you'd have to be pretty stupid to allow yourselves to be eaten for the past few millenia). The Merangatangs had come to the conclusion that a great way to decide this would be by a shprinanaw competition.

Now shprinanaw competitions were wqhere each species created a few chemical concoctions and fired them at a thousand times the speed of sound straight into the other planet. This was a highly dangerous and experimental method of war, but the Zarboxians were so desperate to eat their supper that they agreed.
This is where the story explains how the green beam hit Ug's fire. As I have already stated, this was a highly dangerous and experimental method of war and because of this as each creature fired their first chemicals they hadn't thought to think what the others had fired which could have been catastrophic. it just so happened that the Merangatangs had fired an ionic compound, which was called Boggriumloomus, and the Zarboxian Idustrial Robots fired a heat-intensified element that was called Pantoriumdeesenine. The chemicals were on an unexpected collision path and at the point at which they hit each other a dimensional rip ocurred which meant that the new compound, which happened to be radioactive, flew across time and space through dimensions and crashed into a 5th dimensional turkey. This turkey was then torn from its dimension back to ours (the 3rd dimension). Now the panic striken turkey flew through space and landed on a passing comet. The Turkey was able to fly through space because it came from a higher dimension. The turkey some how managed to multiply like a bacterium and because they were all-radioactive from the new compound, they cased the comet to leave behind a green streak in its tail.

The comet crashed into the forest on Earth, which was blazing with Ug's spectacular fire. As if from nowhere one nuclear turkey jumped out of the forest, hence the name Nuclear Fire Turkeys. As more and more came out of the forest Ug and his fellow men ran in fear from the petrifying beasts. If this wasn't for the fact the turkeys were faster Ug would have escaped but he didn't. A huge flash of light shot out of one of the turkey's telepathic communicators. They had two of these antenna like protruding from their foreheads. The bolt hit Ug in the back and it sent him hurling through the air towards a large heap of mammoth dung. Ug got up immediately. The special ray meant Ug had now become cleverer than anything else ever. He changed his name to Bob Brown and helped the turkeys zap more helpless men. It wasn't until now (even me) realized that the turkeys could speak Korean and it is because of this I shall cease my story here and take it up again 10000 years from this time when the turkeys had evolved to speak English.



Chapter two if ppl request it

what ever pills u have taken I think u need to tell us so we can all avoid em.

Dare I ask what chapter 2 is all about. Knowing you it wont be related to what has happened so far.

Edit : Disclaimer, I have met shard once or twice in game. In no way do I consider him a friend just more of an aquaintence. That said he can be funny.

I know not who you are. And I REALLY do not want to meet you - you are totally, totally insane.

The Jade Warrior is very very worried.

Once or twice and yet I am in your SG and team with you quite frequently T

lies i tell u

A question for you.

What in the name of all that is holy have you been smoking?

Yes Please dear!... I'd love to hear chapter 2!,.....
You have a seat and tell us aaaaaaall about it.
You are very talented! - What an Imagination!
Cup of tea?

.....*backs away slowly / fixed smile / hits speed-dial 999

Must... stop.. laughing... xD

Very funny =D specially the doughnut monkeys!!

Doughnut monkeys!! I want one!!

Amazing story!! ...Someone who's perminantly as drunk as me for once!!

okies folks chapter two should be up this afternoon, (only got 3 chapters at the mo) but just wanted to claim this is from my imagination, no drugs and/or drugs aided in the creation of this story ... now isn't that a scary thought

Shard your a very talented writer, but where the hell you get the idea from and you being a Chemist I think I know were....

Oh and Taurus you know your Shards bestest friend in the whole of the CoX world

[u]The Nuclear Fire Turkeys and How They Helped Bob Brown[u] Chapter Two
The world had changed a lot over the many years that had come to pass, and the nuclear fire turkeys had now learnt to speak French, English and Mongolian. Bob had discovered now that the reason the nuclear fire turkeys spoke Korean was because they had wandered into Waterstones book shop and bought themselves a tape called " How to learn Korean in 1000 easy steps" and "Korean, for those with a higher intellect". Bob was now a leader of a highly advanced cultural society (don't ask me how he had managed to stay alive for all these centuries because I don't have the foggiest). He had decided that they would make up an artificial history just so all the Bob Juniors and other children could have the pleasure to endure yet another subject in their lives in a strange governmental idea known as ...EDUCATION..., which some believed was an outrageous idea because they were children. Bob thought this was a grand idea though because the nuclear turkeys thought of it.
The nuclear fire turkeys had helped Bob in many ways. They had helped him invent things such as the car and tumble dryers. They had even taught him how to make the world's first curry. If it weren't for the turkey's man would've still been hunting down wolly mammoths to eat their dinner.
All this had been going on for around 50 years, until one day Bob recieved a letter sent to him from TUBUDWGO. The letter read like this:

In a semi-detatched house

In a close

In a town

In a county

In a country

On Earth

In a solar system

In a Universe

In our dimension

Wednesday, 19 December 2001

PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL

Dear Mr Brown,
I am writing to inform you that there has been a terrible mistake in the time/space continuum and you have been helped along with your evolution by an interstellar war, which as a result caused catastrophic consequences. I shall advise you to reply to this letter as described because you are violating rule 47DB9 in the universal book of laws. This law clearly states that the law you broke was "taking advantage of a higher source of intellect and use it to evolve faster".
Now I refuse to allow other members of TUBUDWGO to criticize Earth because we hadn't got around to placing the law barrier over your planet. This means that as long as you keep an annual log of what you do, aided by the sub-dimensional aliens, and where you go, you are not accountable. This shall happen for 3 millenia and should you make peace with 4 billion planets, and wage war with no more than 1000, your planet shall be free from our watchful eye to do as you bid. This shall be on the term that you shall obey the whole of the universal book of laws forever.
To send the reports to us, you must post it through a gap in a fence with an ultra sonic vortex on the other side (this vortex must be either collapsible ot stable NOT quwendiggle or roundblank).
We shall expect the first arrival of your report by this time last year.
Yours sincerely,
The managing Director of TUBUDWGO.

With this news, Bob hurried out in search of Hammerick. Hammerick was the head leader of this tribe. Hammerick's tribe was called the Terwoolars, which were the founders of the Bob/Hammerick society. Hammerick informed Bob that an urgent iinvention was required and that this invention was a ... FRYING PAN.

So Bob, for the first time ever, thought that Hammerick was losing it in his youth, so instead of a frying pan he created Space travel and Time travel.

With this almighty rebellion Hammerick fainted (and was later revived by the odour of a sweet pea, found in the distant region of the world of man called Westminster), which led to the up rise of confusion. Bob was in a panic to find a fence with an ultra sonic vortex behind it. This gave way to 5 important questions that I shall bullet point for you:
.Where on Earth do you start looking for a fence with an ultra sonic vortex behind it?
.How would he send his letter off before this time last year?
.What was meant by quwendiggle and roundblank vortexes
.How would he see the Vortex if it was behind a fence?
.And why hadn't he had his breakfast this morning?

These questions hacked away at him until the last question's answer dawned on him; it was because he hadn't done as Hammerick had told him, ehich was to invent a frying pan, henceforth him not getting his nutritious daily quantity if fried sausage and fried egg. This had shocked him so much because he had just found out that he could think for himself. However he wouldn't have been able to, had it not been for the help of the nuclear fire turkey, Hammerick.

Bob found Hammerick reading a novel written by Michael Douglas and as he approached him Hammerick's wobbly bit under his beak (which bore a radioactive sign) swung round fiercely until his whole head was peering down upon Bob.

"Yes," Hammerick quickly blurted out. Bob looked up with shame into Hammerick's eyes and started to say how sorry he was. Hammerick immediately forgave Bob and showed him how to make a frying pan.

So all in all the nuclear fire turkeys had shown Bob how to invent everything he needed, how to think for himself, how to cook his breakfast and how to start and end a feud.




(I have one last chapter prepared, The Ultra Sonic Vortex, Where it leads and How Bob Found It, I may post it not sure yet, hope you all enjoy )

Shard

Chapter 2 is alot better. I was laughing hard.

You are still a nutcase though, but a more focused one.