Two Households Alike review (arc id 126582)
Premise appears to be a remake of Romeo and Juliet, recast as a Family mob drama.
Stated level range is 20-29 hero side; I played a 28 elec/inv brute (villainous, but right level range)
Possible spoilers ahead.
Mission 1
Briefing: I'm almost surprised that the contact isn't Commissioner Escalus or Police Captain Prince or something. 
The two households alike in dignity are the Bianchis and Polettis, so it seems we aren't trying to make the names too similar.
"There have been occasional clashes in the past but the violence just spiked." I think this would be better rephrased as something like "There have occasionally been clashes in the past, but just recently there's been an unusual spike in the violence."
"Where they're only shooting at each other, we contain them and mop up afterwards. I've got a report just in of a skirmish breaking out in an office with some innocent bystanders caught inside, though." sounds rather dry - think it would sound a little better as "Where they're only shooting at each other, we contain them and mop up afterwards. But innocent bystanders are being caught in their latest skirmish."
I like the mission title, "Break Up Family Violence", but it doesn't quite align with what the contact asked me to do, namely, get the bystanders out as my first priority.
I like the mission entrance popup and the tone it sets.
Bianchi Capo's description: "benefitted" should be "benefited".
Was it really necesary to make all custom mobs for the Bianchi Family faction? I'm wondering if you could've made one custom Bianchi Family faction and one custom Poletti Family faction, then repurposed a bunch of generic Family and Mook mobs by including them in both?
I remember reading that you tried using standard Family mobs but had some trouble, so I created a quicky test mission to see if this would work. I made two new custom factions, "Capulet" and "Montague" and added to each of them the "Random Family Minion", "Random Family Lieutenant" and "Random Family Boss", then authored a test mission with a boss objective and 3 Battles between Capulet and Montague. Going into this in test mode, I was able to get the generic Button Man Buckshots and Gunners and Muscle to shoot each other, because some were then Capulet and some were Montague. The only problem I found is that the mob names aren't changeable, so there's some potential for confusion because both sides will have guys named "Button Man Xxx". But, each WAS correctly labeled for which faction he was in, so it's doable.
If you do stick with custom mobs, I suggest that you make the respective Families more visually distinctive from each other; perhaps have some wear suit jackets and others use dress shirts, so there are more visual cues to distinguish them. I see the Bianchi foot soldiers have dark purple suits and the Poletti foot soldiers have dark maroon sutis, but bosses of both families have black suits and they're all dark suits that look similar enough in tone that they aren't that distinct. Maybe dark purple versus pure white suits would also give some contrast? Admittedly a minor nitpick, but it'd be nice to be able to instantly distinguish the two factions by sight.
I found Rollo Poletti, who was labeled as just "Family" - should maybe be "Poletti Family". Oddly, he was with Bianchi Family soldiers, and the Bianchi Soldato helped him attack me. I would've thought they would be fighting.
I defeated Rollo, but didn't get any sort of clue from him; based on what the contact said, I would've thought he'd tell me something about what's happening.
I found Sammy Bianchi; though it was odd that he had a black suit when all his men have purple suits. I thought it was odd that he didn't give a clue either, but upon completing the mission I got a "Settling Accounts" clue that nicely explained things. I'm not sure why defeating the two underbosses was listed as even an optional goal, though; they didn't seem to give any additional information beyond what was presented.
I never actually saw any Bianchi and Poletti fighting; not sure if you had some battles set up or not, maybe they ended before I got to them. If you have room, consider adding a couple patrols of Bianchi and Poletti family that are hostile towards each other; I've had good luck using this technique to set up a chaotic firefight situation.
Good debriefing for this mission.
Mission 2
Briefing: Not sure what the acronyms OCB and DC mean in this context; I suggest you use more common terminology. Otherwise a good briefing.
I thought the Freakshow and Tsoo made sense, being additional rival gangs, but the Banished Pantheon seemed a little out of place in this mission. Maybe use some Warriors instead? (Unless I missed them somewhere.)
Enrico's background story is great. But "he like Kelly Clarkson" should be "he likes Kelly Clarkson".
Louie's background story calls him "Leo" but should call him "Lou" or "Louie" ... Also "monicker" should be "moniker".
"A Complete Mess" clue has the Polettis and Bianchis pointing fingers at each other. I think it would be helpful if you also had the various underbosses reinforce this in their dialog; maybe saying stuff like "Why're you bustin' me? It's those Bianchis who are to blame!" I saw a little bit of this when Sal says "They ain't gonna disrespect Leo like this!" which I liked, but I think you need more.
"Don Vittorio" is mentioned in "A Complete Mess" and either hasn't been introduced yet or I missed it in one of the earlier briefings. I'm guessing he is Vittorio Bianchi? Player needs a reminder here I think.
"A Complete Mess" specifically has "The Butcher" give one particular clue. This actually makes me think you should split this clue into four clues, one for each of the underbosses - each of them could give you one piece of the story (based on THEIR viewpoint) and a savvy player would be able to puzzle out what's REALLY going on once they try to fit the pieces together, while a less clue oriented player would just get told by the contact in the debriefing.
I think Sal's dying message, "my boys will get you" should be changed to "Diablo Navarra will get you" (or something similar) to reinforce the clue which says that, well, Sal tells you about Diablo Navarra is being called in. This then makes the debriefing make more sense.
Debriefing: at first this didn't make sense to me because the contact immediately starts talking about Diablo Navarra, and I didn't see the clue (which I think was awarded on mission complete) until after I started the debriefing.
"If he gets involved there is no limit to the body count" is kinda dry sounding, maybe "If he gets involved, we'll be wading hip deep in blood" or something similar.
It would've been nice if the player could find the "lead on Nicia's whereabouts" (maybe by finding a clue during the street fighting) instead of having the contact feed it to you.
Mission 3
Briefing is terse but the reason why seems sensible. Second part of briefing: "just stop the shooting" should maybe be "just to stop the shooting".
Nicia hasn't technically broken any laws that I'm aware of, so maybe "Take Nicia and "Friend" into custody" should be "into protective custody".
An immense number of dialog messages spouted off as soon as I entered the mission; not sure if this was intentional, probably should've generated the dialog when I got closer.
Popup message on entry immediately tells me soldiers of both Families are here already; I think maybe just a little exposition about how they got here before the player did would be helpful, since the informant reported only Nicia and "friend".
The mission objectives immediately include "Rescue Darrin", but Darrin has not been introduced yet. I suggest you change this to "Rescue Nicki's friend" or something similar.
Nice dialog and background info on Nicia Bianchi and her guards. Her clue is great. I like that she mentions she has a good lawyer.
The custom Family soldiers are surprisingly deadly; despite being an invuln (nominally very strong against lethal) they managed to beat me up once. Though I was being careless.
Darrin says "Hey, Millie Volt! Nicki's here somewhere!" on seeing me, and "You've gotta find her" after I rescue him, but in fact I've already freed Nicki (err, taken her into custody). I suppose he doesn't know that, though.
Darrin's Story begins "Darrin isn't quite as articulate as Nicki" ... which wouldn't make sense if I found Darrin first. Maybe should rephrase it so it makes sense regardless of which order you find them.
Debriefing: Very good explanation of the situation as it stands. I wonder why we can't just fly them out of the country or something though?
Mission 4
Briefing: very well written. You have an extra period after "Talos", though. And on thinking about it, why would Federico Poletti attack the Wavecrest? Don Vittorio wants Nicia to marry Leo, too, so I'm not sure why the two families would still be fighting. The only ones against the marriage are Nicia and Darrin themselves. It seems like it would be more logical for Vittorio to agree to the "shotgun wedding" that is being proposed.
Second part of briefing: "Commander Baker" is mentioned here but hasn't been introduced, so I have no idea who that is. Needs some background, or else you can just refer to him as "a police profiler" or something.
I'm not sure why getting touch with Wyvern is the key to finding Diablo Navarra, also. I guess because they are based in the Rogue Isles, where Navarra is from?
"coud" should be "could" in the last sentence.
Entering the mission, I'm quite puzzled why my objective is "Find Vittorio Bianchi" and not "Find Nicia Bianchi", which is what the contact asked me to do. Unless she's been killed already or something, but having her not among the mission objectives in that case would be a possible spoiler.
"Federico Poletti: It's gonna end here, one way of the other." .... "of the other" should maybe be "or another".
I thought it was pretty weird for Federico to be a robotics mastermind, it's rather out of theme for this mafia drama. Especially when Federico is labeled as the "Old School" don. Maybe he should be a thugs MM?
The amount of web grenade the Polettis put out is pretty ferocious, had my recharge floored at one point.
I like the clues that Federico and Vittorio both gave up. Found that Nicia had already taken off though... now how on earth did she slip away from an army of Polettis when every single other Bianchi was captured or killed, and the Polettis came here specifically looking for her? That seems to be a bit of a stretch; she's not a ninja or anything.
Vittorio saying that Darrin wasn't the only reason the marriage wouldn't happen is...interesting. Hope we find out more.
Mission 5
Briefing: Well, this sounds grim. Knowing the end to the play this is based on, I fear the worst. Good briefing though.
Mission title: "Defeat Diablo Navarre" should be "Diablo Navarra" based on every other reference to him so far.
The burning office: excellent map selection for this.
"Hector Bianchi: He's ours!" ... kind of ambiguous, may want to outright have him say "Get lost! Navarra's ours!"
I found Diablo Navarra and managed to solo him (as an EB), though he was pretty tough; willpower secondary is nasty on an EB. I think I only got him because I drained all his END from elec melee. Probably appropriate difficulty for the end boss of a story arc though, and there was immense foreshadowing for Navarra being a badass, so I think it's fine. His mocking dialog made me hate him; by which I mean, his dialog was very good.
I searched the rest of the bodies with heavy heart; I was so hoping that it would turn out differently, but ultimately Romeo and Juliet is a tragedy, so although I wasn't happy about it, I can't say I was surprised at the ending.
Debriefing: excellent debriefing that does remind the player that she accomplished something, even if it wasn't a total victory.
Souvenir: OK, I just read the souvenir. All I can say is YOU B@$+@RD! It's a really well written souvenir, though.
Overall
It was a good story overall, with good writing and dialog. The mission gameplay was okay but nothing too remarkable, I thought. The final mission was really good at setting a mood though; I really felt awful while the AV was taunting me and especially searching through the dead bodies afterwards, and talking to the contact at the end. For most of the story arc I was thinking it was around 4 stars-worthy, but the final mission and the souvenir pushed the story over the top for me.
I gave it 5 stars.
[Edit 5/11: added the arc ID number]
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
I did not intend my comments to be seen as passive aggressive. I am unfortunately, for all the superiority and hubris with which I conduct myself, exceptionally bad at self-promotion, possibly due to the fact that my daddy never loved me*. I do appreciate the effort, though, and I hope this side project flourishes, but right now I'm going to feel quite guilty for a bit, okay?
* joke.
This is one of Venture's arcs? What is the arc number?
Edit: Never mind, just saw the other thread...
131430 Starfare: First Contact
178774 Tales of Croatoa: A Rose By Any Other Name ( 2009 MA Best In-Canon Arc ) ( 2009 Player Awards - Best Serious Arc )
This is one of Venture's arcs? What is the arc number?
126582. The link in my signature will take you a page listing all my MA projects.
Current Blog Post: "Why I am an Atheist..."
"And I say now these kittens, they do not get trained/As we did in the days when Victoria reigned!" -- T. S. Eliot, "Gus, the Theatre Cat"
Venture's arcs are difficult to find without the arc number. A search of his global handle causes anything with the word 'adventure' in the title or description to pop up (wouldn't happen if the @ weren't being ignored by the search engine).
Goodbye, I guess.
@Lord_Nightblade in Champions/Star Trek Online
nightblade7295@gmail.com if you want to stay in touch
The concept of this thread made me LOL, and I welcome it
I'd prefer it if you didn't review "The Bestest Radio Mission Ever" though as the recent patch has slightly broken its difficulty and I'm still deciding what to do about it. The other two are fair game though, both listed under @Leese, which is my EU account so don't bother trying to send ingame feedback. It just falls in a black hole.
Nice, my arcs are:
3369: Matchstick Women, the most polished and story driven of the three, always enjoy new feedback as it's slowed down a bit.
2711: Exploring the Architect. 3 missions independent of each other, written about in the City Scoop.
137561: Time Loop. My newest arc, feedback for improvement is very welcome at this point.
Feel free to pick apart any of them. I've been meaning to try one of your arcs, I've heard great things about them. This'll give me a perfect opportunity to.
Just ran through Venture's arc, here's my 2 cents:
Chapter 1: Some of the sentence structure sounded a llittle awkward. Examples: "... bystanders caught inside, though."
"Where they're only shooting..."
Chapter 2: I'll agree with the earlier review. Most people will have no clue what OCB and DC stand for.
Spelling: repsonsible
Sentence structure: "...every single mobster, SWAT will mop up."
I'd reduce the number of rogue patrols. One of the bosses was almost dead by the time I found him.
Chapter 3: Sentence Structure: "... agree to a sit-down, just stop the shooting..."
I'd add rescue animations for both captives. I've noticed that if you don't, captives will immediately take off like Olympic sprinters, which just looks strange.
Chapter 4: I've been fighting gangster mobs, now I'm confronted with flame devils. Very odd, and felt like it was pulled out of left field, although with a name like "Diablo", I can kind of see where they'd be his minions.
Overall:
I felt like I was awash in a sea of Italian names - after a while I just lost track and the mission briefings became a bit confusiing.
The custom mobster factions could use some variety. AR and DB, that's about it currently. Maybe a tanker minion with a nightstick?
I was about to add "Hercules Cardinal Mission Rule #10: The Good Guys Always Win." to the review ... before I read the souvenir clue... Venture has a bit of a cruel streak.
131430 Starfare: First Contact
178774 Tales of Croatoa: A Rose By Any Other Name ( 2009 MA Best In-Canon Arc ) ( 2009 Player Awards - Best Serious Arc )
I'd add rescue animations for both captives. I've noticed that if you don't, captives will immediately take off like Olympic sprinters, which just looks strange.
It wouldn't let me pick any animation that would reasonably fit the circumstances. I have no freaking idea why. Both are stock mobs from the Civilians list.
Current Blog Post: "Why I am an Atheist..."
"And I say now these kittens, they do not get trained/As we did in the days when Victoria reigned!" -- T. S. Eliot, "Gus, the Theatre Cat"
yes... actually, i put you on my list policewoman, so i could get a review off of you. you are in my queue, for what it is worth. thanks for this list though. i was pretty surprised as to who did not have theirs reviewed that often. the quid pro quo ones, more often of course. yes, who does review the rewiewers?
global: ridiculous girl
Hero Therapy! (TM) - 119228
welcome to donut world - 1233
there are also reviewers that post reviews but do not have their own thread... *cough laserjesus cough* at least i do not think they do... but they routinely post on other threads.
i think they should be caught and thoroughly reviewed too... 
global: ridiculous girl
Hero Therapy! (TM) - 119228
welcome to donut world - 1233
[ QUOTE ]
I'd add rescue animations for both captives. I've noticed that if you don't, captives will immediately take off like Olympic sprinters, which just looks strange.
It wouldn't let me pick any animation that would reasonably fit the circumstances. I have no freaking idea why. Both are stock mobs from the Civilians list.
[/ QUOTE ]
Civilians have a really sharply restricted list of emotes, and I have no idea why. I don't even think you can make them cower, which is really weird.
I don't even think they can play the standard "Thank You" emote, and that's just nuts.
Up with the overworld! Up with exploration! | Want a review of your arc?
My arcs: Dream Paper (ID: 1874) | Bricked Electronics (ID: 2180) | The Bravuran Jobs (ID: 5073) | Backwards Day (ID: 329000) | Operation Fair Trade (ID: 391172)
[ QUOTE ]
WHO REVIEWS THE REVIEWERS?
It's becoming more and more prevalent. You pour your heart out and write your dream story arc in the Mission Architect. Then suddenly, and without warning (well except the fact that you asked them to), some high handed, judgemental critic runs through your story arc and skewers your innocent missions with incisive comments and critiques.
These so called reviewers have been running roughshod over the hapless authors of story arcs for too long. Nothing has been holding them accountable for their actions! NOTHING!
Well, NO MORE! ...
Motivated by these passive-aggressive comments, I now throw down the gauntlet: I will challenge the other reviewers on this forum by forcing my unsolicited reviews upon them!
[/ QUOTE ]
I must admit that I felt tricked by this post. It sounded like "lets take a scalding look at reviewers who have nasty cracks about everyone else but who do crap work themselves."
I liked that idea.
But it soon appeared that this was really a "why are people playing more of the arc of us tireless, helpful community reviewers."
Make no mistake. I don't fault ANYONE for trying to trick - I mean, convince - people to take a look at their work. After all, I named a toon of mine "Dev's Choice" just so I could announce that my arc "Wicked, Wicked Wonderland" (#1224) is now a Dev's Choice Favorite.
However, I must tell you that IMHO there is a flaw in your othewise approach: Why would people who leave feedback (and that's what I love, and expect others do to) want to leave their global to a bunch of reviewers who pride themselves on being "tough" critics.
I haven't been able to play for awhile due to a back back, but when I did -- and when I return to play arcs -- my own rules have been simple. If I enjoy your arc, I will give it the hightest possible rating. It doesn't have to be perfect. Just enjoyable. Because few things in life are perfect.
And if I think your arc sucks the big one, I won't low ball you either; I just won't leave a rating. And unless you tell me in advance that you're still in testing format, and want comments for that reason, the only comments I leave will be positive ... because half of the bad comments I see posted on these forums say more about the poster than the story's author.
(I especially liked the comment on mine that challenged my contact, one "Professor Caroll Lewis". That person thought that Caroll Lewis added nothign to the story of "Wicked, Wicked Wonderland.")
While I do keep a list of all players who contact me, and put them in a queque for playing later (and star those that specifically ask me to) ... I have never promised a "I'll play yours if you play mine" style deal ... especially since they're all predicated on, "Oh, and you have to play mine first."
If I have you wrong, I apologize in advance. But by the looks of those who have responded to your post so far, I'm not sure I do have you wrong.
It's funny. Because I've tried many many different ways to entire people to try my arc ... but never the "high-handed, judgemental" reviewers (your words, not mine) that you single out.
I actually don't want ANYONE to review my arc that expects more than 30 minutes of free fun for all the effort I put into my work. If I accomplish that, I'm happy.
But I don't think some reviewers think having fun is "enough". And for those reviewers, I say, "enough is enough." Go play and report on your own arcs - preferably to one another!
Civilians may be built on a less sophisticated skeleton to reduce environment overhead.
[ QUOTE ]
Overall:
I felt like I was awash in a sea of Italian names - after a while I just lost track and the mission briefings became a bit confusiing.
I was about to add "Hercules Cardinal Mission Rule #10: The Good Guys Always Win." to the review ... before I read the souvenir clue... Venture has a bit of a cruel streak.
[/ QUOTE ]
I'll ++ both of these issues; while the plot itself was fine, I kept on getting confused as to who was what and on whose side and what all was going on. (When I go see a shakespeare play, I have to sit down and partially-memorize the character list, just so I won't get confused.) Everyone having one of two last names didn't help much here.
I also felt that the denumont kind of came out of left field. However, Venture has commented that he's added more clues for it, so I may need to go back and check it out.
[ QUOTE ]
I must admit that I felt tricked by this post. It sounded like "lets take a scalding look at reviewers who have nasty cracks about everyone else but who do crap work themselves."
I liked that idea.
But it soon appeared that this was really a "why are people playing more of the arc of us tireless, helpful community reviewers."
[/ QUOTE ]
Well, I'd love to find that certain reviewers "have nasty cracks about everyone else but do crap work themselves." I enjoy schadenfreude as much as the next person -- probably more! But honestly I'm probably not mean enough to write anything really nasty about people whose arcs suck. I generally prefer to offer constructive criticism.
But I thought it would be a fun use of my time to see what sort of material the "critics" are themselves publishing. Especially the ones who are too stuffy to outright ask people to run their story arcs. I figure either the story arcs will be pretty good because they can actually write; or else they'll be dreadful and I can be amused at the hypocrisy. Either way, I have fun.
If you don't like that, that's fine. It's MY time that I'm spending though.
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I'd add rescue animations for both captives. I've noticed that if you don't, captives will immediately take off like Olympic sprinters, which just looks strange.
It wouldn't let me pick any animation that would reasonably fit the circumstances. I have no freaking idea why. Both are stock mobs from the Civilians list.
[/ QUOTE ]
Civilians have a really sharply restricted list of emotes, and I have no idea why. I don't even think you can make them cower, which is really weird.
I don't even think they can play the standard "Thank You" emote, and that's just nuts.
[/ QUOTE ]
I've gone through a number of the civilians, the list of emotes varies. I really can't figure out how/why they can give a custom mob every animation in the book, but can't give canon mobs the same treatment.
131430 Starfare: First Contact
178774 Tales of Croatoa: A Rose By Any Other Name ( 2009 MA Best In-Canon Arc ) ( 2009 Player Awards - Best Serious Arc )
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I must admit that I felt tricked by this post. It sounded like "lets take a scalding look at reviewers who have nasty cracks about everyone else but who do crap work themselves."
I liked that idea.
But it soon appeared that this was really a "why are people playing more of the arc of us tireless, helpful community reviewers."
[/ QUOTE ]
Well, I'd love to find that certain reviewers "have nasty cracks about everyone else but do crap work themselves." I enjoy schadenfreude as much as the next person -- probably more! But honestly I'm probably not mean enough to write anything really nasty about people whose arcs suck. I generally prefer to offer constructive criticism.
But I thought it would be a fun use of my time to see what sort of material the "critics" are themselves publishing. Especially the ones who are too stuffy to outright ask people to run their story arcs. I figure either the story arcs will be pretty good because they can actually write; or else they'll be dreadful and I can be amused at the hypocrisy. Either way, I have fun.
If you don't like that, that's fine. It's MY time that I'm spending though.
[/ QUOTE ]
As I said in the part of my post that you didn't quote, I don't mind the scam at all - I'm actually quite fond of them.
And I applaud the way you spend your time. I guess the only reason I'm responding at all is because of the last line in your post where you stress if I don't like it, fine, because its YOUR time to waste.
This is true, but in fairness to me your last "rule" WAS #7:
[ QUOTE ]
7. Other people who want to join in the fun by reviewing the reviewers are welcome to do so!
[/ QUOTE ]
So a reasonable person could see this as a kind of "Joing my bandwagon" approach. Again, nothing wrong with that. Any scam that gets any arcs played more, rather than less, is A-OK in my book.
As for "Who Reviews The Reviewers?" -- you get
* 5 stars from me for a compelling thread headline;
*5 stars for expert "bait and switch" manipulation; and
*1 star for some of the names on your list, who have actually played my arc and left positive ratings and feedback for me.
I so wanted to hate all the reviewers you listed. 
Instead of creating a threat of drive-by 1-star griefing, you've simply created another in a long line of here are some arcs that are worth trying for yourself.
Anyway, when I average the 5, 5, and 1 star that I award you on my own totally arbitrary judging system -- and since I am famously bad at math ... I hereby award your thread an overall rating of 5 stars.
BluDeth review (arc 126908)
Premise of this story seems to be to investigate prehistoric virii or mitochondria or something.
It's a neutral level 40-54 arc. I tried soloing on a 50 mind/rad controller.
Mission 1
Briefing: There is a "00" followed by a long ellipsis at the top of this briefing; so this is either chapter 0 which is named "..." or it's a typo.
Longbow are holding down a building near the Red Line? Wasn't the Red train line destroyed?
It's an interesting set up; seems to be a turf war between Longbow and Vanguard and they can't figure out what to do so they're throwing some heroes at it. Specifically, me. This sounds quite different than the premise as described in the story arc description, but maybe I haven't gotten to the part with prehistoric virii yet.
"There's a Longbow agent - the main reason Longbow are paralysed." I think maybe she should more clearly say that "There's a Longbow agent already on the scene who has been captured/who we've lost contact with" or something like that.
I like the mission title, "Be the Third Option".
Mission objectives: "Rescue the Longbow Covert" should maybe be "Rescue the Longbow Covert Agent"? "4 Signal Emitters" maybe should be "4 Signal Emitters to disable"
The contact seemed certain the signal wasn't Rikti, but there's Rikti all over this mission. I guess they also deployed a team to take control of the signal?
It seemed like some Rikti were fighting each other ... even when I hadn't confused them. Puzzling.
Found some Crey fighting Rikti... they made some very disturbing sounds before dying.
Debriefing: Decent debriefing, with some green text inserted making me think that I'm starting to hear things as a result of being exposed to the weirdness in the first mission. Interesting.
Mission 2
Briefing: OK, more weird markings at the top of the briefing, so the 00 ellipsis wasn't some kind of typo. Now it's "10 .a..l..e.." ... are we counting in binary? No, it should be 01 then. Are we playing hangman in the rest of the text? The main text of the briefing hints at its nature: a (meaningless) binary signal.
I wonder if "Reds and Whites" should be just "Red and Whites", since this is referring to a single Red and White group (Longbow), not a group of Reds and a different group of Whites.
I do like the tension between Vanguard and Longbow that the contact portrays.
Entry pop up: "there's" should be capitalized. I'm inclined to say drop the leading "..." ellipses, but maybe you want them there for flavor.
Found some Longbow battling other Longbow, with only ellipses for dialog. I'm tentatively assuming this is working as intended, showing that the "signal" is slowly driving people mad.
Found Subject BMT-0034 that also talked only in ellipses. I kind of think you ought to give this NPC a description beyond the default boilerplate, describing what the player sees.
Likewise for Subject BMT-0033.
Research Data Terminal's progress bar says "Attempting FAT structure", which is kind of odd; am I really accessing the file attribute table here? I'm not really sure most people would know this expression, may want to just say "Hacking Terminal".
I got a "Lab Code" clue that basically says nothing because apparently someone garbled everything on the computer. Though right now I feel like there's a pretty fine line between whether the author is portraying some sort of Tower of Babel allegory, or whether he simply didn't feel like writing any meaningful dialog or clues.
Thankfully the "Research Papers" gave a more informative Paper Records clue. Though I think a bulletin board is an odd graphic to use for "Research Papers". I might suggest a file cabinet, a desk, or maybe a whiteboard with drawings on it.
I like the mission exit popup, and the debriefing. It's definitely building up that this "signal" is driving the player mad. In the debriefing, "useable" should be "usable", and "alright" should be "all right". I'm trying to divine some meaning from the lime green "madness-speak" but so far cannot make anything out.
Mission 3
Briefing: I like the briefing and how the contact tries to take "my" complaints of hearing things seriously. I'm...starting to see patterns in the green text. The hangman puzzle at the top of the mission briefing is starting to look like it has meaning. Maybe it's just my imagination though.
"bio-modem, - the techs" looks weird, and uses "the techs" twice in the same sentence. I think it should just be "bio-modem - they". Though considering my character's capability of understanding language is being either destroyed or transfigured, maybe this isn't a reliable comment....
The last sentence, "Maybe we could try a protracted exposure to the signal, see what that gets us?" I have to think, wow, that seems like a REALLY bad idea if my exposure to the signal this far has messed me up this much. I should think it would be smarter to avoid any future exposure to the signal and hope it goes away. It's a little crazy for my character to agree "I'm willing to try that", as portrayed by this mission.
Mission objectives: Find BluSkrene wasn't what the Colonel asked me to do at all (but IS what the green text asked), so I can only assume my character has been totally compromised by the alien mind control or something like that, and is now doing what the evil green text says instead.
Ran into lots more characters with only ellipses for dialog. I really don't like not knowing what is going on, but it's clearly part of the mood the story is trying to set.
I spent quite some time flying around this outdoor map trying to "Find a way to contact BluSkrene" but nothing really presented itself; I was figuring there'd be a glowy or something; now I'm wondering if I'm supposed to flip out and defeat all the Freakshow partiers. Maybe clearer directions would be helpful here.
I eventually popped out of the mission and checked the arc description to find it says "Contains Collection", so I guess there's just a glowy that I'm missing.
Finally found a little trash can to click (after much searching - this is a big map), which triggered a new objective, "Deal with BlueSkrene's investigator." I see a "BluSkrene's Messenger" mob spawned near me also though, so checking it out.
BluSkrene's Messenger definitely needs a special description.
Mission exit popup: "Bluskrene" should be "BluSkrene" (based the capitalization presented so far). Not sure why he cares about the Freakshow holding block parties, I would've thought he was transcendental enough to not care about such things.
Debriefing: "You were pretty roughly beat up when we found you" seems awkward, especially when nothing actually beat me up ... suggest you reword this to "You were in pretty rough shape when we found you".
Mission 4
Briefing: Interesting construction for this briefing where BluSkrene interrupts the contact. It does make sense that he talks in blue text; where did all the green text in earlier briefings come from? Was that random noise? I wonder if that should've been blue too.
This briefing, both the white text and the blue text, tells me nothing about what I'm about to do. "You'll know where to find it" doesn't seem enough, to me. I think some idea of what to expect should be provided .
Second part of briefing: well written, but basically comes down to "You're a loose cannon, I may have to disavow you." Fine.
Mission entry popup finally explains where I am going, thankfully.
Mission title is "Explain BluDeth" and the mission objectives includes "Find BluDeth's Origins", but the term "BluDeth" has not been used before (except in the story arc name, I guess) so I'm not sure what it is I'm explaining. Is BluDeth this connection that BluSkrene has established? I just don't know.
"Find the Crippington Report" is also referring to something that hasn't been introduced yet. I suggest you make these two clues something like "2 clues to find", or if that sounds too boring, something evocative sounding, like "The Truth is Out There" and "I Want to Believe", rather than mentioning things that haven't been described yet.
Wow, it doesn't take long between Vanguard disavowing you and Vanguard putting you on their death squad list!
Clicking the bookshelf I get the progress bar "Staring at goats?" which makes no sense in this context.
"The Crippington Report" clue, "fundamentla" should be "fundamental" and "biomodem" should be "bio-modem" (everywhere you've mentioned this object prior to this reference, you've hyphenated it, so I suggest you stay consistent). It's a very cool clue though. I seem to be in a Neal Stephenson novel!
"BluSkrene's information" clue wants to motivate me to save the BluDeth virus from the mean old Vanguard who are planning on purging it, saying "I think we owe it to the AI to give it the freedom to live." This is morally questionable to me; the BluDeth virus is infecting people and making them kill each other. If we were to substitute, say, the smallpox virus, which also infects people and kills them, do we really "owe" it to the smallpox virus to let it live? As a hero, I don't think so; though this is a "neutral" arc, so a villain could play it too, but I don't see what a villain's angle would be, either.
I like that there are Rikti investigators here too, since this is a pretty serious threat.
Possible continuity error: I thought the BluDeth virus destroyed my ability to comprehend language, so I see everyone's text as just ellipses. But the Vanguard guarding the Vanguard HVAS? and the Rikti Investigator both spoke intelligibly.
Also, to be consistent with the third mission, maybe Vanguard HVAS? should also be named "BluSkrene's Messenger"; but the Vanguard treating it like a malfunctioning HVAS would still be fine.
"BluDeth.Source" clue: "sourcecode" should be "source code". "network born" should be "network borne". Not sure why it wouldn't be useful against Rikti, as stated here; I got the source code off of an object that looks just like a Rikti computer. Maybe explain WHY it wouldn't be useful against Rikti, and use a more conventional looking computer in that case. Also, not being useful against Rikti seems to be contrary to earlier info that the Rikti were detecting the psychic signals in the early missions.
Exit popup presents me the choice of walking away and letting Vanguard wipe out the BluDeth virus, or doing something about it for my own reasons.
Mission 5
Briefing: The hangman puzzle is finally solved, and is kind of a cool result. The "line numbers" in the hangman puzzle now make me think that BluDeth must've been programmed in BASIC.
I can understand Colonel Knight again and there's no evil green text OR evil blue text. I think ellipses are overused here, along with broken sentences.
The contact says that if I just walk away now, I should be fine. Vanguard will wipe out BluDeth if I just leave it alone.
Second part of briefing: "Warzone" should be "War Zone". Her very last sentence should end in a period, not a comma. (Oddly, when I review the mission briefing inside the mission, this text ends correctly with "stole them, alright?" but the actual briefing seemed to end in "stole them," ... not sure what happened there.)
I actually think my character would walk away at this point, and let BluDeth be destroyed. Am I really obligated to save a malignant virus?? There is no obvious way to actually walk away, except quit the story arc, though. I considered doing this, but decided to see how it ends.
Mission entrance popup: "biomodem" should be "bio-modem".
I like the random dialog from the Vanguard patrols chatting about the virus. They overuse ellipses somewhat. I tend to agree with what they say, though; the virus SHOULD be destroyed.
I'm a little unclear on what establishing the satellite uplink is doing. Is "my" plan to broadcast BluDeth into space where it will be "safe"? Also, should the satellite uplink be another Rikti computer, and not an Arachnos computer, as currently depicted?
Clicking the satellite uplink causes 3 Signal Jammers to spawn; this is neat gameplaywise, but storywise I am not sure it makes sense; the Signal Jammers would've needed to be in place before the satellite transmission, in order to stop them, and logically it would be just as valid to destroy the signal jammers first, THEN attempt the satellite uplink.
Destroying the 3 Signal Jammers suddenly triggers a new objective of "Stop the repairs!" but I think you need some explanation for why this has suddenly become necessary. Stop the repairs to what? The jammers? Not the satellite uplink, surely?
Bettie Mae's dialog "find out what's wrong" needs a period at the end of it.
Bettie Mae does give a clue explaining the next task, to destroy a kill switch server. I kind of thought Bettie Mae worked for my contact in Vanguard Shield, not Vanguard Sword; but maybe I got mixed up.
I like all the dynamically generated objectives, but on this fairly large map, it is requiring a LOT of backtracking and searching over previously searched ground. A smaller map would be nice if it is at all possible.
Finally found Storage BD-001 and destroyed it. In its description, I think "susceptable" should be "susceptible". I'm a little skeptical at the idea that destroying the original hardware would actually stop Vanguard from destroying BluDeth; why would the shutdown antivirus, if already creatd, need the original hardware or even the original source code? But oh well, it's comic book science.
Mission exit popup: "As your biomodem space fades" should maybe be "As your bio-modem connection fades away". The fact that BluDeth is now far away in space makes me feel a little better about letting it live. Of course, now I've probably inflicted BluDeth on some other innocent spacefaring civilization. Oops. Also it's final "Goodbye" .. should it be in dark blue instead of lime green? Or maybe all the lime green is BluDeth and all the dark blue is BluSkrene.
Debriefing: biomodem should be bio-modem, throughout. (Or if you'd rather use biomodem, change all earlier references; just be consistent.) Every security recording was replaced by a TV show? When/how did this happen?
I thought the player's having attacked Longbow, Vanguard and PPD throughout this story arc was all handwaved away a little too easily, but "I was mind controlled" kind of IS a free pass in comic books, so I suppose this was okay.
Loose ends: BluDeth is gone now, but isn't BluSkrene still at large? I think he created BluDeth, but he kind of dropped out of the story entirely midway through.
Possible plot hole: Since BluDeth can infect humans, why isn't it able to subvert all the humans that are going after it in this mission? The Signal Jammers, maybe - but after I destroy the Signal Jammers, the Vanguard should all be vulnerable, and BluDeth could easily have jumped to them then.
Overall
I like the writing style, the Vanguard vs Longbow set up, and the concept of a computer virus that is able to infect humans. But I had a hard time understanding why I should want to save BluDeth instead of destroy it; BluDeth was established early on as malignant, when it forced humans to shoot each other. There were no instances that I can recall where BluDeth was portrayed as a sympathetic character, so I felt like I had no motivation to save it. "It's alive and deserves to live" is not enough for me; BluDeth as depicted is more like the bubonic plague than it is like a human being. I seriously considered taking the contact's advice and "walking away" from the Vanguard closing in on BluDeth to erase it, but there was no way to do this except quit the story arc.
So while I found the earlier part of the arc where I'm slowly being corrupted by BluDeth to be pretty involving, the later part of the arc where I'm apparently moved to rescue BluDeth (and end up fighting three factions of "good guys" while doing so) left me a little cold. I think you can maybe mitigate this somewhat if you can provide a few moments where BluDeth's essential "humanity" shines through so that the player has some reason to believe BluDeth is a sympathetic sentient being; as presented, however, I viewed BluDeth as a hostile and virulent disease that should be eradicated.
I liked the writing style, though, and I liked the motif of the "hangman" puzzle, and BluDeth's parting signal was nice (probably the closest BluDeth shows to humanity).
I gave this story arc 4 stars.
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
Ah, I can post again.
Just an FYI, you reviewed an arc that was both in beta, and written for a specific audience. It makes sense to her - though I'm glad you found use for it. I'll go over it and double-check any changes I can make.
[ QUOTE ]
Just an FYI, you reviewed an arc that was both in beta, and written for a specific audience.
[/ QUOTE ]
I saw you had a couple story arcs published, and basically picked this one to review because it had the fewest plays through. Enjoy.
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
[ QUOTE ]
I saw you had a couple story arcs published, and basically picked this one to review because it had the fewest plays through.
[/ QUOTE ]
I have been thinking about that line of reasoning. I wonder if people wouldn't prefer their more played arcs to get even more plays. There does seem to be some incentive for that in game and with how the rating system works.
I am probably a week or two away from publishing my 2nd arc, which has quite a different game-play focus than my first. I am not sure how I will feel about plays once I have more than one arc posted.
Why Blasters? Empathy Sucks.
So, you want to be Mental?
What the hell? Let's buff defenders.
Tactics are for those who do not have a big enough hammer. Wisdom is knowing how big your hammer is.
[ QUOTE ]
I have been thinking about that line of reasoning. I wonder if people wouldn't prefer their more played arcs to get even more plays. There does seem to be some incentive for that in game and with how the rating system works.
[/ QUOTE ]
A good question. My personal opinion is that I'd rather get more stars on the popular arc, and more feedback on the less popular arc. Your mileage may vary.
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
It's a corner case anyway. Some of the feedback is useful (things like typos), some of it isn't - the person for whom the arc is written has some of the gaps pre-filled (one of the joys of writing for a predetermined audience). I doubt there are going to be many people in this situation,
WHO REVIEWS THE REVIEWERS?
It's becoming more and more prevalent. You pour your heart out and write your dream story arc in the Mission Architect. Then suddenly, and without warning (well except the fact that you asked them to), some high handed, judgemental critic runs through your story arc and skewers your innocent missions with incisive comments and critiques.
These so called reviewers have been running roughshod over the hapless authors of story arcs for too long. Nothing has been holding them accountable for their actions! NOTHING!
Well, NO MORE!
WHY I'M DOING THIS
[ QUOTE ]
I don't ask that people play my arcs in exchange for my reviews of theirs. It would be nice if they did, but I don't ask it. Venture (5/7/2009)
[/ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
This is only the third time anyone's reviewed any of my arcs. You'd think people would be lining up to seek revenge. Venture (5/7/2009)
[/ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I guess my only reason at this point for not doing it [requiring quid pro quo on reviews] is ego. It sounds very self-serving to me. Talen Lee (5/8/2009)
[/ QUOTE ]
Motivated by these passive-aggressive comments, I now throw down the gauntlet: I will challenge the other reviewers on this forum by forcing my unsolicited reviews upon them!
MY RULES
1. This is kind of a side project of mine, and will have a separate queue of story arcs from my regular review thread. You cannot join the queue for this thread; I will be using the official stickied Reviewer List to select targets.
2. I'll attempt to alternate between my main queue and the reviewer victimization queue. I mean, the reviewer review queue.
3. Reviewers will be prioritized in chronological order of the original post in their review thread.
4. If a reviewer comes up in my queue and at that time has published fewer than 5 actual story arc reviews, there is still some chance of redemption for them, so I'll show leniency by passing over their name. Hardened, repeat offender reviewers who have published 5 or more arc reviews will be specifically targeted by this initiative.
5. For the sake of karmic justice, I will post my review both in this thread, and also either the comments thread for the specific story arc, or the review thread of that reviewer, and inflict my own opinionated review of their own material upon them.
6. Also for the sake of karma, I will set exactly the same expectations as the reviewer that is being targeted. Namely, my reviews for non "quid pro quo" reviewers will be pro bono. My reviews for "quid pro quo" reviewers will be treated as "quid pro quo".
7. Other people who want to join in the fun by reviewing the reviewers are welcome to do so!
THE QUEUE
Venture (4/9/2009)
Policewoman (QPQ) (4/10/2009) [I'll skip my own]
Talen_Lee (4/12/2009)
Dragonslay (4/13/2009)
HolyEvilAoD (4/14/2009 12:28 AM)
Lazarus (QPQ) (4/14/2009 06:15 PM)
DeviousMe (QPQ) (4/16/2009 11:55 AM)
Bubbawheat (QPQ) (4/16/2009 06:36 PM)
Col.Blitzkrieger (4/16/2009 09:10 PM)
LaserJesus (4/23/2009 08:47 AM)
Leese (4/23/2009 11:55 AM)
Peacemoon (QPQ) (4/29/2009 08:04 AM)
Master_Zaprobo (4/29/2009 11:56 AM)
ridiculous_girl (QPQ) (5/1/2009)
Rapulis (5/3/2009)
Bayani (5/5/2009 10:53 AM)
Sooner (QPQ) (5/5/2009 1:08 PM)
Dominemisis (QPQ) (5/5/2009 8:23PM)
Misho (QPQ) (5/6/2009 2:18 PM)
Stomphoof (QPQ) (5/6/2009 10:45 PM)
Burning_Brawler (QPQ) (5/7/2009)
[Edit 5/11: inserted LaserJesus; fixed sorting for reviewers whose OP were on the same day]
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"