The Siphon review (arc 113294)
Premise seems to get power via magical means. Level range was mostly 15-24 red side; I played a 4 ss/will brute, mostly because I wanted to level this character up; I was auto-LK'd up and hoped for the best. (I did find the acc debuffing CoT ghosts were especially nasty for her.)
The contact is just a desk. The arc has the interesting idea that you're really coming up with all these missions from your own plotting.
Mission 1
Briefing: "I" decide to steal some artifacts from a museum warehouse.
Nice description on the book. I thought it was neat that the missing ring triggered having to find a rival thief.
Found Lendaro; as a ruin mage he was really hard for my level 4 brute (my fault - I know this is supposed to be level 15), but I managed to pound him down after being held and immob'd a lot.
Debriefing: very nice debriefing where you puzzle out what all the stuff you stole does. I like it. Of course, the CoT stole the only really good thing already, it seems.
Mission 2
Briefing: so I go to steal the ring from the CoT who stole it. Not a bad briefing.
Having both the mission title and the mission objective be "Find the ring" is a little repetitive; I suggest you mix it up a little. Maybe make the mission title "Steal ring from Circle", while keeping the objective "Find the ring".
Interesting dialog from the CoT where they argue over whether to destroy the ring, or whether the ring will save them all. Oh my, I arrive on the scene and 2 CoT have killed another CoT. I guess their disagreement was violent!
Found and beat up Sardax. His dialog made me think of Gollum; I now have his precious, his "dearest ring".
This mission seemed a little on the simple side, it seems like a stealthy person could've just come in here and beat up Sardax and nothing else.
Debriefing: I like how it references that the CoT were fighting over it. Wow, the debriefing really does make it sound like The One Ring.
Mission 3
Briefing: So now I have a list of ingredients to acquire for a magic ritual. The briefing tries to be cagey about what a "being that feeds on the life of another" is; but wouldn't a Council vampire be an obvious answer? Not sure I buy how the briefing has me wondering what could possibly satisfy this condition.
Found several "Spirit Thorn" glowies with a progress bar with no text on it.
This mission seemed pretty tedious, searching Oranbega and clicking many false glowies.
Cleared everything I could find, clicked every glowy, mission still wouldn't complete. Logged off and reset.
Going back in again, after clearing most of the mission I did find the right glowy to get the "empty thorn". A new objective to defeat Sardax was generated from this, though I'm not quite sure why; Sardax wants to find and defeat me to take the ring, but I don't really have any burning need to defeat him, it seems like I could just leave? Went ahead and found Sardax and defeated him. The new, bearded version of Sardax seems pretty cool.
Mission 4
The desk .. I mean, I... exposition about how a vampire actually won't work for this ritual, and "I" come up with the idea that I need a Nictus.
Found Archon Irohei; he had decent dialog as I pounded him and stole his soul and stuff. Not sure why killing him spawned a "Defeat Sardax to escape!" objective though. Maybe needs more explanation for why. I mean, how'd he even follow me here? The briefing seemed to suggest I thought up this plan on my own, so not sure why the CoT would think to come to a Council base. Do I have to beat Sardax every mission? Or maybe the One Ring "calls" to him somehow.
I had cleared most of the base, and ended up having to search the entire base again to find Sardax, which was a little annoying. Not sure there's a good fix for that though.
Mission 5
On to performing the ritual. I found the place to plant the thorn, which triggered the altars to spawn. When I get close to the altar, the mob guarding it says "We must keep Mega from completing his ritual..." but Mega is a female character; use $hisher.
Destroying the first altar gave me the "A blockage!" clue, which says "Though you have destroyed all the artifacts...Someone is blocking it!" But I haven't destroyed all the artifacts, I've destroyed only one, and I don't have a mission objective for defeating a new mob. I think you wanted this clue to be awarded after destroying the LAST artifact, but it was given on the first one. You can maybe work around it by chaining 3 destroy objectives together instead of using one objective with a count of 3, though that would mean the player having to do more searching.
Destroying the third altar did give me "Eliminate the interference!" as a new objective. I beat up Carthix and got the "Stupid mage" clue, which has a great name. "the rewards too great" should be either "the reward's too great" or "the rewards are too great".
Booo, smashed the spire and still didn't get the promised cosmic power. Now I have to search for what happened to the energy.
Although the linked objectives are cool, the size of the map makes it kind of annoying to have to search over and over again for the next objective each time.
Found the Demon Manifest, after clearing most of the map. He was actually quite hard to notice. Can you maybe make him more visually distinctive? As an EB I think he should be easier to notice; perhaps consider making him taller, or giving him a glowing or fiery aura?
Demon Manifest beat me up on my first solo attempt, but it was a close thing, and I managed to get him on my second attempt (it helped that he was still wounded from my first try). His dark debuffs and dark heals were quite nasty for me, but I *did* manage to get him, as a level 6, so his difficulty is probably fine.
Debriefing: Well, seems I didn't get the cosmic power I was promised, but did get "some" of the power. I guess that'll have to do.
Overall
It was a decent story arc, with good writing style and good use of clues. There were very few characters though, aside from the Gollum-like Sardax, who was decently portrayed. Gathering the various ingredients for the ritual was a little less exciting than I would've liked; it felt more like filling a shopping list or scavenger hunt. The triggered objectives were implemented well but I found myself re-tracing my steps a little too often on maps; perhaps use smaller maps, or otherwise try to set up objectives so the newly spawned ones aren't far from where you trigger them? It was a little disappointing that the ritual never delivers on the promised "ultimate power", though I suppose it would be pretty hard to portray that in MA. Overall I felt the story was good, but never fully grabbed my attention and there wasn't ever a crowning moment of awesomeness. I gave the arc 4 stars.
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
MacGuffin Delivery Service review (arc 1567)
Premise seems to be that you steal an item that is a hot potato that every villain faction wants to take back from you. Stated level range is 35-40 red side; I played a 19 db/ninj stalker.
The "Your Laptop" contact is kind of cool.
Mission 1
Briefing: A little confusing as it seems to start me in the middle of the story, saying that it's been a few days since I stole a statue and it's now a big deal. It doesn't actually pose any sort of mission briefing, it's more like an "In the previous issue" recap of imaginary events. Perhaps this is a narrative trick.
Second part of briefing: OK, definitely a narrative trick, my first mission is in fact to steal this statue that I "previously" acquired, relative to the first part of the briefing. Interesting.
Mission entry popup: "if not non-existent" is awkward due to the double negative. Maybe rephrase to "maybe even nonexistent".
I like the mission title, "Rob the Pawn Shop" and the objective of "Find Something Interesting". Sounds fun! 
The multiple safes with a variety of "loot" are very fun. You might consider putting them in the clue journal so the whole team can see the messages (if it's not just one person), though there's a lot of them so this might be spammy, and they aren't that relevant to the plot (I assume). So maybe not getting clues for them makes sense too.
"You found a couple gold bricks!" should be "You found a couple of gold ingots!"
I love the emerald parakeet as the MacGuffin; wondering if it's a reference to the Maltese Falcon. The new objective of "You heard someone...Dispose of any witnesses" is nicely phrased, also.
Red Viper's dialog is excellent.
"The Emerald Parakeet" clue says that some Family men came in the back door; I went back there and did see them, but they didn't seem required for the mission, so I left without fighting them, which seemed to be in the spirit of the mission. Though, this seems to violate the "Dispose of any witnesses" objective that I had previously.
Mission 2
Briefing: continues to refer to events in the past tense, but it's kind of a neat way to tell the story. Now I need to go fence the Emerald Parakeet.
In the mission: It's cool how there's all these other villains in the warehouse who are NOT actual enemies, and are treating the shop as neutral ground.
I like the setup with the Family and then the Carnies coming after the item. Very cool.
"Amanita Explains" says "Security didn't even hear it, apparently since they never came, that bunch is fired today for sure!" -- awkward phrasing and punctuation. Suggest "Security didn't even hear it, apparently, since they never came. That bunch is fired for sure!" Also I think Amanita should more clearly explain that she can't take the parakeet off your hands now, due to the fighting -- it isn't made clear enough that you can't fight these thugs off, then still fence the parakeet to her.
"Fight your way out of the warehouse" is kind of an ambiguous objective though... as a stalker I thought maybe I could just stealth out of the warehouse easily enough, but I was sure that wouldn't complete the goal. So I wondered if it was a defeat all? I eventually found that defeating Mistress Ruby's group was sufficient. I think "Defeat Carnie leader" would be clearer, but have to admit "Fight your way out of the warehouse" sounds more cool.
Debriefing mentions the Carnies were after the statue, but forgets to mention the Family was also after it.
Mission 3
Briefing: very cool explanation. "That guy you sold it to is certainly mad, but that's the least of your worries" should be "That guy you sold it to was certainly mad, but that was the least of your worries", to fit with the past tense you use everywhere else in this briefing. I think "You had picked up a clingy MacGuffin!" doesn't quite scan either; maybe "The Emerald Parakeet seemed somehow cursed!"
Second part of briefing: First sentence is awkwardly long, suggest you separate into two sentences, changing "you needed to go and get some knowledge on magical things and the best place for that was" to "you needed to go get some knowledge on magical things. The best place for that was".
Not quite sure what the point of the Obelisks are, I clicked some of them and it didn't count as a book to examine and didn't give me any info.
Mistress Belle: "These mages got to know something" should be "These mages have got to know something".
The names of the various books you find are quite fun.
Mission 4
Briefing: This briefing has trouble keeping its tenses straight; I think you want it all to be in the past tense. "You would have kicked yourself if you could" is a little awkward, suggest rewording as "You felt like kicking yourself".
"realized that it is the same kind" should be "realized that it was the same kind"
"It's going to be hard to go back there" should be "It was going to be hard to go back there".
"You'd have to find another" should be "You had to find another".
"everyone needs to know" should be "everyone needed to know".
I like the massive number of intra-villain battles between many different factions inside the mission, and their dialog. Found a couple of 3-way battles even. It really gives a chaotic feeling and helps convey how many different groups want the parakeet.
Had some Ink Men say "We'll teach you women some respect!" while fighting a group of 2 (male) Iron Strongmen. Not a huge deal, just a little weird.
The map was quite huge, but using my cheaty stalker powers I snuck by all the battles and put the parakeet in the box; the computer didn't seem required (never did find it) despite it being in the objectives list.
Debriefing: "As none of them had the same explanation for what it did it probably did nothing" .. should have a comma after "what it did". "Macguffin" should be capitalized "MacGuffin", for consistency with everywhere else you use that word.
The last line and the souvenir are a nice final touch. "somehow aways comes back" should be "somehow always comes back".
Overall
I thought this was a fun arc with a cool premise. Normally, I would complain that the story never reveals "what's the deal with the parakeet", but the story makes it quite clear that the Emerald Parakeet is purely a MacGuffin, so this didn't detract from the story too much. Adding a few more hints as to the origin and purpose of the Emerald Parakeet might be nice though.
I thought the set up of the pawn shop robbery and the fence mission were both very clever, and I love the feeling of the huge rogues gallery of villains coming after you throughout the story arc.
I gave this story arc 5 stars.
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
Thanks for the review, PoliceWoman. I've corrected the grammar errors that you pointed out as well as a few others things that I noticed when I was poking around in there. I also made some changes to make mission 3 more fun and less tedious as some people were not enjoying the glowy hunt no matter what and it made little sense to force them to run around really as the book you need was always in the last room anyways.
Arc: Teen Phalanx Forever!
Arc ID: 67335
Author: @PW
Morality: Heroic
Number of Missions: 4
Description: The Teen Phalanx is on a recruitment drive, and they've extended an invitation to a teen version of your hero to try out! Do you have what it takes to be on Paragon City's premier teen supergroup?
Rating: *****
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Character used: Raikou Shingai, Level 24 Electric Melee/Dark Armor Stalker
Difficulty: Tenacious (Diff 2)
Level for Arc Playthrough: 24
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Mission 1:
Coyote greets me as the teen sidekick of my assumed hero character and informs me that he is in charge of recruitment for the Teen Phalanx and that I'm being invited to try out. Normally this would involve a danger room simulation but for some reason I'm to be field tested instead while the Teen Phalanx takes on Doc Vahz. Talk about a trial by fire!
So after some helpful tips about dealing with the Vahz from Coyote, I venture down into the sewers to catch up with the team and find them to be scattered. The first one I pick up is Manticora, the daughter of Manticore and Sister Psyche and possessing of a mix of their powers. Just like her father, she is quite snippy and cocksure. Kid Valkyrie, Citadel XP, and Back Alley Boy were a lot nicer though.
Citadel explained to me that women were going missing after using an online dating site. Then a man I found being held captive told me that he had been sent to the complaint department and dropped a magazine ad for mail order brides. The fact that the address was "The Facemaker" didn't make this look any better.
It was a bit annoying that with each ally I picked up, spawns would be dying before I could even get an assassin strike lined up. All four were bosses though that is necessary as LTs would die quite easily with all this aggro. Things got pretty dicey during the Doc Vahz fight but we won out in the end.
Geez Doc, you gave your Brides claws and didn't think that something might go wrong with that?
With the mission complete, I've been voted in as a full member of the Teen Phalanx. Yay!
Mission 2:
Turns out that The Clockwork King has been on a rampage and I didn't know because Manticora "forgot" to give me one of the team communicators. Anyhow, I head to the scene right away.
According to the briefing, which included some tips on fighting the Clockwork, the King has taken Penny Yin hostage. That had to happen sooner or later.
The mission is in the final map from the Synapse TF, the Hall of the Clockwork King. I've always liked this map and surpised to have not seen anyone use it until now. I link up with the other four members of the team like last time and freed Penny, which summoned the Clockwork King himself. At some point looking for him I lost both Manticora and Penny, apparently they have no Stranded text so I never noticed where it happened and ran into the King before I found them again.
Mission 3:
It's funny how the daughter of Manticore has a crush on the son of Statesman. Anyway, they're off making up or something and everyone else has to cover her monitor duty shifts at the Teen Phalanx base. Tonight is my turn to handle it for a couple of hours.
The 2 hour countdown begins and I am appaled at the terrible condition of the base. Along the way to check the monitor I peeked into the lockers of the rest of the group and gained some more insights to their personalities. (Nitpick: I think you meant that BaBy's locker should contain a matched pair of "Dumbbells".)
I clicked on the monitor, which took a long time but it was fitting in this case. So long that I returned to hidden status while waiting for it. Of course this caused some Freakshow to break into the base. Bad news...for them.
I wonder how long the author has been waiting to use that line. I was disappointed that the Freak Tank didn't have a name though. After defeating him I got a new objective to meet up with Val, who apparently had just arrived. She wanted to know who had been going through her stuff, I blamed it on the Freaks.
Next BaBy showed up and needed some backup. Upon freeing him Clamor arrived, annoyingly right on top of us. After taking her down she confessed to be hired to hit the base by a Mr. V of the Council. Gee, I wonder...
Coyote informs me that Statesboy told him that Cora never showed up and that Citadel XP is also missing. Uh oh.
Mission 4:
We got a message from XP and traced it to Striga Island. I traveled there to meet up with the group at an abandoned Council base that was of course, not abandoned. Instead it's filled to the brim with Rogue Robots.
I found Val first and then rescued XP, who informed me that Mr. V was not Vandal (as I had guessed) but Citadel Vista! What sort of evil fusion of Citadel and Council tech is this?
Apparently he looks like Vandal, so it seems that I was partly right on my guess. He was also standing between us and Manticora, so I had to take him on with just Val, XP, and BaBy. Cora can sit on the sidelines for this one, serves her right.
With that all done, Coyote informs me that my hero needs more of my time as a sidekick now, but that I will remain a reserve member of the Teen Phalanx and to keep my communicator as a souvenir.
================================
The Verdict:
Well this was a fun romp for a lowbie character, despite it's few annoyances. The level ranges can be annoying, especially as you're in the group for too short of a time to explain why the enemy threats escalate so fast. I suppose for some ATs, like the one I played, it can be annoying to have 4 kill-stealing allies. Still the story is fun enough to accept it. The dialog is pretty good as well and full of fun jokes and references. I give it 5-stars.
Hunting the Dark Dragon review (arc id 2922, by DeviousMe)
Premise is that the CoT are summoning dragons to fight the superheroes. Level range is 40-50 hero side. The arc claims the player can choose the outcome, which sounded intriguing.
Played a 50 AR/dev blaster on Heroic.
Mission 1
Briefing: Peter Stemitz is the contact and I like how the briefing is trying to convey his personality (err, personalities). The verbiage is a little awkward though. Instead of "Perhaps you know me not. In such case, I should say I know you not; buzz off" maybe "Perhaps you don't know me. In that case, I oughta say I don't know YOU; buzz off!"
Accept prompt: usually this is written as if the player is saying it. So I suggest you change "Yes, you'll be that hero" to "Yes, I'll be that hero".
So I'm in Oranbega looking for dragons. The first "dragon" I find is a lizardman looking fellow in black clothes whose info says he's a drummer in a rock band. Pik's description says he's a water dragon, but he is a red dragon, which seems to violate the standard color coding for elemental dragons. Maybe he should be aqua blue, or be a fire dragon.
The CoT guarding Pik's dialog: "This thing's too shripmy to be a dragon". "shripmy" should be "shrimpy".
Got "A Drummer's Take" as a clue from rescuing Pik. This refers to "Lanerbalan" without explaining what Lanerbalan is; needs some explanation. I'm not sure I understand what "prefer more sociable forms - something he asked you guard as he went for help." I get that he's a humanoid dragon (sociable form) but not sure how I'm supposed to guard him; Pik actually took off after being rescued, so could not be escorted.
Found Officer Blake, another lizardman who is purportedly a dragon. This one is in a police uniform with a big flashlight. His info describes him as a Mirus dragon, but I have no idea what that is. Also mentions he is the brother of Lanerbalan's Prime Minister; I have no idea who that is, so this info is kind of confusing.
Rescuing him gave me the "Officer Blake's Briefing" clue, which purports that Blake is "filling in more details" but is actually completely confusing, referring to a tornado, a band, Rynn and Blake. My suspicion is that if I rescue the 4 dragons in the correct order, their clues make sense in sequence, but I must be rescuing the later dragons in the sequence so their clues seem meaningless to me.
I found and rescued Player, another dragon-man. This one is apparently the leader of this mysterious band. "Player" is a rather confusing name to give a non-player character, incidentally. For some reason Player spawned as an EB ally for me. Considering the police officer dragonman is only a lieutenant ally, this seems out of line for a musician. I'm guessing on higher difficulty he'd spawn as an AV ally, which I think would be far too strong a helper. As it is, the EB Player utterly crushed Rollister, the big bad guy of this mission, who spawned as a lieutenant for me.
I do like Rollister's dialog though. His exposition helps clear up what the heck is going on in this mission. Apparently the "dragons" were summoned here from an other-dimensional rock concert.
Surprisingly, after Rollister says "This is madness!", the NPC allies neglect to say, "No, this is Lanerbalan!" and kick him down a bottomless pit.
Found Rynn, the last dragon, after extensive searching; turns out she was perched on a little ledge above everything else.
Puzzlingly, after rescuing the dragons they give me a classic guitar and (apparently) dimensionally warp out of there. Why couldn't they have done that before I got there? Seems like a plot hole.
This is pretty weird so far, but I'm starting to get a Buckaroo Banzai sort of vibe from the story, what with the rock band and the funny looking people from the 8th dimension. Will see where this goes.
Debriefing: contact makes the right noises for a punk rock musician confronted with the reality of guitar-wielding dragon people. It's too bad guitar isn't a permissible "battle axe" customization. Stemitz does mention "This Dark Dragon sounds like trouble." Huh? No clue or dialog that I saw mentions any Dark Dragon. Appears to be a continuity error.
Mission 2
Briefing: Contact continues to think we are after someone called Dark Dragon. Since we have no info about Dark Dragon, he wants to send me to the villain respec for no really good reason other than it being a CoT hangout. This mission really needs a better lead-in.
Second part of briefing: there's a great disturbance in the Force between the first part of the briefing and the second part, and Stemitz suddenly can't sense the Thorn Tree any more, and suspects the Dark Dragon. Seems awfully coincidental timing, but okay. I might suggest you have the "Thorn Tree" vanish from magical radar before the mission briefing, and have that be the reason why Peter Stemitz thinks it's a good place for you to check out.
Entering the mission, I find that I'm in an Oranbega mission full of Malta; close to a nightmare scenario. With the objective of finding a "survivor", I end up finding a CoT prisoner who I free from the Malta; I then get ambushed by sappers who promptly drain all my END. I squeaked out a victory against the ambush in a tense fight.
I got a clue called "The Thorn's Story". Nitpick: I'm not sure calling a single CoT a "Thorn" is correct terminology. I've seen Thorn Wielders and Thorn Casters, and they have tools called thorns, but I can't recall ever seeing a CoT person actually called a Thorn. Consider calling him something else like "CoT survivor" or "Guide" (after the actual mob; I assume you pre-placed him and he wasn't random).
In "The Thorn's Story", "attepts" should be "attempts". I think it's weird that the CoT would summon Dark Dragon but be unable to control him; the CoT are constantly summoning demons and stuff, they should have a better handle on this sort of thing. Especially if the Dark Dragon is just another rock musician or something.
It's also rather weird that the Malta came in and "made a deal" with the Dark Dragon. It doesn't make sense to me that the CoT, who are expert at summoning demons and making deals with them, would be unable to work with Dark Dragon, yet the Malta, who aren't magical at all, should be able to come to an arrangement with Dark Dragon. Also this story seems to be missing an explanation of the C-4 and cordite smell in the mission entry popup, which I originally thought meant that the Malta had set explosives to blow up the CoT base.
You might consider (if you have space) inserting some of the villains whose respec got interrupted, as either captives of the Malta, or body bags. Just for flavor.
Found an optional Desk glowy that gave me the "Tome of Transit" clue, but this clue does not seem to give much information; in fact, 3 of its 4 sentences are devoted to telling me what the Tome doesn't say, which is an odd way to write a clue. Would be nicer if the clue said more about what the Tome actually does say. I definitely think this clue needs something more to it; right now it doesn't tell me anything I didn't already know.
A little later I found another optional Desk glowy that also claims to have a copy of a book on summoning beings, but didn't give me a clue that time. I suspect there's multiple copies of this desk, all of which give only one clue; I think it'd be simpler if you just made one glowy for this, since the extras don't give any more info.
I beat Fiction Green Epsilon and got the clue "One Strange Dragon". In this clue, "According to the TacCom" should probably be more specifically "According to Fiction Green Epsilon". "While familiar with magic, he's no stranger to technology, his world advanced in both" doesn't quite scan; also, Paragon City is highly advanced in both magic and technology, and yet people still specialize. Maybe just "The dragon was familiar with both magic and technology."
Also, "For their aid, he 'paid' Malta the Thorn Tree." How exactly did the Malta aid the Dark Dragon? It's not stated here, and it's not clear how the Dragon can pay the Malta the Thorn Tree when pretty much the Malta could've just taken it once the Dragon left, anyway.
The C-4 and cordite smell was never explained, nor was the sudden disturbance in the Force that Peter Stemitz experienced. I conjecture that maybe the Malta used explosives on the Thorn Tree for reasons unknown; if this is the case, though, there should be more clues or dialog to this effect somewhere in this mission. As it stands now, I have no clue what the Malta were doing there.
Debriefing: the contact now says "He said the Dark Dragon called them?" but this is not stated anywhere in Fiction Green Epsilon's clue. Continuity error. I agree with the other questions Stemitz raises; why bring in Malta at all?
Mission 3
Briefing: I'm afraid I don't like this briefing at all. The contact expositions that the loss of the Thorn Tree has dealt the CoT a major setback, which has nothing to do with the current mission and is also probably false since the Thorn Tree is essentially destroyed every time a villain respec trial or a Statesman TF occurs, so how bad could it be? Second, he can't sense Dark Dragon by magic and this makes him paranoid. But wouldn't it be possible that he can't sense Dark Dragon because the Dark Dragon simply went back to his home dimension, which would be good?
Then he says he's going to call Crimson, which he totally could've done before this mission briefing, in order to make this briefing have some sort of actual content in it. So my mission accept message is essentially "wait while Peter's on the phone" and yet he's told me absolutely nothing about the mission at all.
Second part of briefing: OK, so now he explains the plan, which is to attack a random Malta base for no real reason except that we think Malta are involved. Well, that and Crimson thinks we should do it.
These seem like pretty weak reasons to go attack this base; I suggest you come up with a better rationale for why this mission is occurring and how it contributes to finding the Dark Dragon.
At this point in the story I must say that (a) why the Dark Dragon is bad has not been explained, and (b) the contact is sending me to attack random villain bases with no apparent justification other than wishful thinking. The fact that there actually IS information at each of these randomly selected bases feels rather implausible. I really recommend you come up with some sort of clues that the player can find in each mission that lead her to the next mission, rather than having the contact choose seemingly random targets for you to go after. This would give the player more of a feeling that they're on an investigation.
Inside the mission: for the sake of people who aren't familiar with this map (from the RSF or otherwise) you may want to put something in the mission briefing or mission objectives that they need to go through a door to get to an interior part of the base.
Found Sister Hecate, who has some fairly meta dialog wondering why she's just standing around guarding instead of patrolling. If she's the security chief, can't she choose to patrol instead of standing guard?
I got the "Security Code" clue from Sister Hecate. It's described as "You found this code in the satchel." What satchel? None was ever named. Suggest you change to "You found this code on Sister Hecate."
Deeper inside the base, the Malta and KoA give way to a custom faction of Space Pirates apparently hired by the Dark Dragon. I...don't understand why there are Space Pirates here. They haven't been previously mentioned in the story and this mission has no clues, dialog, or other information explaining why there would suddenly be Space Pirates present. The Space Pirates themselves have info stating that the Dark Dragon hired them, but this also seems somewhat unbelievable. They seem to be guarding the safe in the back; the keycode to this was presumably on the KoA boss, so shouldn't the safe be guarded by KoA and not Space Pirates? Anyway, this story element didn't make any sense to me.
Inside the safe I find "Arachnos Base Blueprints". In this clue, it says "These are blueprints of a submarine dock....From its location, a skilled navigator could reach any point in the city undetected". I think you are saying that from this base, you can pilot a submarine to, say, Steel Canyon. Is this what you really mean?
I'm kind of puzzled as to the relevance of this clue to the Dark Dragon main plotline. I'm hoping this will eventually all prove to be connected and explained somehow.
Debriefing: even the contact thinks that Space Pirates are a ludicrous story element.
Mission 4
Briefing: the contact is baffled by the plot of this story arc and basically asks me what to do. (I am not kidding.)
Second part of briefing: we somehow decide that Dark Dragon clearly wants to conquer this submarine base from Arachnos, and we can't let that happen. Considering Arachnos is already the arch-enemy of Paragon City, I'm not sure why Dark Dragon controlling this base is any worse, though. And what would a dragon from another dimension want with a submarine base anyway? Seems implausible.
I like the Base Commander's dialog when I rescue him.
It seems like there were some Space Pirates guarding the Base Commander, but the rest of the mobs here are Malta. I kinda would expect the Malta to have some dialog wondering who the heck the Space Pirates are, and whether they could trust them.
I find a glowy that gives me the clue "Message from the Dark Dragon" that basically taunts me for rescuing him. I guess he was shapeshifted into the Base Commander? It was established that dragons can shapeshift in this arc; this is kind of annoying, though, because there is no way for the player to stop this. Also, now I have to kill Scirocco. But why do I have to fight Scirocco, when it seems like we both have a common enemy in the Dark Dragon? Does not really make sense.
Scirocco spawns as an EB for me, and he beats me up the first time with his tornados and electric powers, but on my second try I pop a lot of purple inspirations (he could debuff DEF so I used more than I normally would) and beat him.
Debriefing: contact says "We've been played". Grrr. Stemitz explains the brilliance of the Dark Dragon's master plan to wipe out all mages capable of summoning dragons to this dimension.
Mission 5
Briefing: contact now tells me that Longbow has tracked the Dark Dragon to a building in Faultline. But....Stemitz and I have been on the Dark Dragon case for 4 entire missions now, how is it that we have had no clue of where the Dark Dragon is, but random Longbow are able to find him? This doesn't make sense to me. I suggest you add some kind of clue to the previous mission that lets the player track down the Dark Dragon.
The promised "player decision" occurs here. Stemitz exposits that the Dark Dragon has promised to leave in 30 minutes (I think?) but he's broken our laws, so maybe we should beat him up, too. But I need to decide whether to win the mission and catch the Dark Dragon, or not.
Since so far the Dark Dragon has only attacked CoT and Arachnos, I actually am not sure which "laws" the Dark Dragon has broken. I'm also somewhat annoyed by the plot forcing me into making bad decisions in previous missions. I decide to let the timer run out and see what happens.
I let 30 minutes elapse and talk to Peter again. The final debriefing is rather unsatisfying; he just says "It's done. The Dark Dragon is gone." It would've been nicer if we found out a little more about what the Dragon's motivation was and whether this was the right choice or not. As is, I didn't get much sense of closure.
Overall
I felt like this story really didn't make sense as presented. There does not seem to be a logical progression from one mission to the next. Currently, each mission has the contact send me to a seemingly random location, hoping something of interest is there. I think the story would be significantly strengthened if each mission naturally followed as a result of clues found in the previous mission.
There are also a lot of dangling plot elements that are introduced, but nothing is ever done with them, so they end up being purely a distraction. Why is it significant that the dragons are in a rock band? What purpose do the Space Pirates serve in the story that the Malta and KoA weren't already handling? Why on earth do we think Dark Dragon would care about a secret submarine base? I mean, if I could use the guitar the musicians gave me to prove to the Dark Dragon that we're nice people and he should stop messing with us, that would be great. As it is, the dragons being in a rock band and space pirates guarding the secret blueprints are just bizarre and distracting. I think you should either add some reason these bizarre elements are present (perhaps as a recurring motif or an important later plot element) or else cut some of them to keep the story more focused.
It's also annoying that the plot mandates that the player and the NPCs make unreasonably bad decisions at certain points, in order to make Dark Dragon's master plan really work. (One specific example is the scripted fight with Scirocco, when both parties should really know better.) This makes the story feel more forced. I'd suggest you try and rewrite Dark Dragon's master plan in such a way that this isn't required.
With the problems I had with the story, I could only give this arc 2 stars. Hope you think that is fair.
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
Time Loop (by @Bubbawheat) (arc id 137561)
Premise is that you're stuck in a time loop and can't escape. Stated level is 15-30 with neutral morality. I played a 17 SS/will brute on Malicious difficulty.
Mission 1
Briefing: Not really clear why the first sentence is in green text, it doesn't seem to be a key phrase.
Foreshadow seems to want me to steal something from Wyvern for their own good? Seems odd. He also says "Wyvern is not taking my warning seriously", but does not explain what his "warning" actually is; I think this maybe should be made more clear. (I already anticipate that I'm going to run smack into whatever he warned Wyvern about. Foreshadowing, so to speak.)
"aquire" should be "acquire" in the briefing.
Foreshadow says "retrieve the anomaly" and "get what you need", but is very vague about what I'm actually getting for him. Some more info would be nice. How am I supposed to recognize it? (I mean, aside from it being a glowy.)
The mission title, "Investigate the disturbance" and objective of "Find the disturbance" doesn't seem to match what Foreshadow asked me to do. Maybe need to reconcile those; either have Foreshadow ask me to "investigate" or change the mission goal to "Retrieve" (or "Steal") the anomaly.
As a villain I have no problem breaking into the Wyvern base and stealing stuff; kinda think heroes might have issues with this though, as Wyvern is a heroic group. Maybe this is okay for a neutral arc, but you might consider using a more shades-of-grey faction as enemies.
Found a Computer and clicked on it and it seemingly did nothing; did find a message in my chat tabs for it though. You might consider adding a progress bar and a slight delay; maybe you intentionally set it to 0, but its absence made me wonder if it was broken.
Found Agent Marx and fought him. He has dialog strongly suggesting it would be a bad idea to take the item from him; it seems necessary for the plot for me to do so, though, so I beat him up, causing him to accidentally trigger the device everyone thinks is dangerous.
All the info up to this point makes it sound like a really bad idea to do this. The plot seems to depend on the player doing it anyway, in order to set up the "time loop". I don't think it's good to force the player into doing something that the story clearly shows is a bad idea; I suggest you consider reworking the plot so that it doesn't require the player to do something dumb in order for the story to work. Perhaps Marx or Wyvern scientists could have already tried playing with the device before you got there (which would fit with Foreshadow's warning that Wyvern didn't know what they were doing), instead of having the player herself trigger the paradox.
Marx's artifact clue: should this really be called Marx's artifact? Though I got it from him, it's clear that he wasn't the original owner, since they confiscated it from an unnamed evil scientist. You might give this evil scientist a name and call it his artifact. Also, the description of the artifact is very dry ("small round metal sphere with one button that has been pushed"), making it a little too obviously a plot device; you might consider making its description a bit more mysterious and enigmatic.
Foreshadow's briefing says there is both research and lab equipment being kept at the base, but I didn't see anything like that; just an empty computer glowy and then I got the "device" by beating the boss.
Debriefing: OK, I see now why the first sentence of the original briefing was colored green, as it is repeated here. But the rest of the debriefing is empty; should really put some text here. Maybe repeating what he said before, with some deviations because the player protests that she's already been doing this.
Mission 2
Briefing: exactly the same as the first briefing. Which maybe makes sense for a time loop.
Second part of briefing: OK, glad that I was able to tell Foreshadow I've already done it, so as to change his dialog, but now he asks for the artifact and acts like I don't have it. But I clearly have "Marx's artifact" my clue journal and have no new clue or other text telling me that it vanished. I can perhaps infer that it has vanished from Foreshadow's dialog, but I feel this isn't made clear enough.
Mission popup: it reminds me that there was a computer and an Agent Marx, which is good. But why would I think the computer or Agent Marx know anything more? I already checked both of them in the last iteration of this time loop.
"Investigate the disturbance" still not an accurate description for this mission. I suggest something like "Figure out what's going on" or similar.
Computer: this time there's a progress bar. Looking in my chat log, I see that I found an "encrypted folder". This seems strange; this folder wasn't there the last mission, and if this is really a time loop, where did it come from? I also suggest you add a Clue for "Encrypted File" or similar, because if this arc is played on a team, only the person who clicked the computer would see the message you currently display, and that message isn't very visible to begin with.
Marx's dialog is subtly different between mission 1 and mission 2. (In this mission he mentions getting a promotion and Steve not getting one.) The differences between the two missions makes me think this isn't a "true" time loop; unless there is some cause for these differences that is not yet apparent.
Marx remembers fighting me before! Now, why would he remember that? Is the artifact putting *everyone* in a time loop, not just me?
The new "Marx's Artifact" clue is capitalized and punctuated differently than the previous "Marx's artifact." clue. Not sure if that is intentional or not.
After defeating Marx and getting the code from him, it triggered a new objective of "enter the code into the computer". This is awkwardly handled because it actually spawns a NEW computer, different than the one I checked before, so it's in a different location. I actually think it would be sufficient to have the Encrypted File from the first computer and Marx's cipher key to be able to get the data; not sure the additional computer is necessary. I think the current structure would be especially puzzling to the player if, for example, I stealthed to kill Marx first, then came back to click on the first computer (having already gained the cipher key) and had the computer tell me I need a key.
The new computer is guarded by Wyvern with interesting dialog; they ALSO remember previous iterations of the time loop, so definitely this time loop doesn't work the way I would've expected. Also, the new computer is named "Wyvern Computer- right click to access information", but the mission ended as soon as I defeated all the guards.
There is some data you can get by pulling up the "info" on the computer; this is a nonstandard method for giving the player data, so some players will almost certainly miss it, especially because people tend to punch "exit" as soon as they get Mission Complete. I recommend you put this information in "clue" format instead, then award it on completing the objective, or on completing the mission.
In the second computer's info, it says it's the same computer I checked earlier (despite being in a different location) and it says there are two major artifacts in the base. It looks like I am forced to start a new mission to get them. But I'm already in the Wyvern base, why couldn't I get the two major artifacts now? Seems a logic problem.
Debriefing: again too short, but follows the pattern set so far.
Mission 3
Briefing: repeats previous information; makes sense story-wise but not that interesting as a result. Second part of briefing is better since you interrupt Foreshadow with new info and change his dialog.
Inside the mission: why are there 15 possible artifacts to search now? Why weren't these in previous runs through the time loop? The logic of how this time loop works is very confusing.
Found a computer and clicked it; for some reason I "rip it up" which is a description I'd usually reserve for tearing up paper or something similar.
The 15 artifacts all have a little text in a clue; I like that they're all different, but I would suggest you make them seem a little more cool, even if they are not necessary for the plot. "A garbage can" and "you don't know what this is" is info but kinda boring. I like the Harry Potter book clue though.
-- a thermal corruptor wanted to join me at this point; being on a team, I end up needing to move faster, so may be less detailed from here on --
Mission ended abruptly after defeating Marx; what happened to finding the second artifact? It's not clear why I can't just find the other artifact now instead of having to exit the mission.
Mission 4
Briefing seems unnecessary now...at least the story seems to recognize this and cuts it short.
"Investigate the disturbance" still seems a bad title. Maybe "Break the Cycle", or "Escape Time Loop".
Inside the mission, I find it isn't the same warehouse! The mission entry popup alludes to this. I'm even more confused by this time loop.
I initially thought the mission objective of "Find artifact from second Wing Talon Agent" should more properly be "Find artifact from Agent Steve", but the way Steve shows up and his description and dialog were actually quite funny just as they were.
I started looking for Marx to get the other artifact, when I suddenly ran into Time Shifter, a boss surrounded by weird critters (mix of ghosts, shivans and hydra). Aha, this guy must be behind everything that happened! But after defeating him, I find that he's actually the weird artifact that Marx had, only transformed into an actual enemy. This was pretty weird but is a neat idea; although there's some ground work laid for this (in that the artifact is described as slightly larger each time), I think some extra foreshadowing of this would be helpful to set up this big reveal.
Debriefing was a little anticlimactic; Foreshadow seems mildly pleased that I solved the temporal disturbance problem. For the sake of closure, I think it would've been nice to know a little bit more about Time Shifter and its origins, and what ended up happening to Marx and Steve after the story ends.
Decently written souvenir. "A molten lump of metal" is kind of an uninspiring name for a souvenir, though; maybe "Agent Steve's Wyvern ID Card"? Though that's not quite as central a story element.
Overall
Neat story overall, with some good writing. However, I felt there were some logic issues with how the time loop worked; the fact that the Wyvern base changes each mission, and stuff appears that wasn't there before, was rather disconcerting. The plot seemed to force the player into certain key actions (beating up Marx and starting the Time Loop in the first place; learning Steve has the second artifact in mission 3, but being unable to look for Steve even though he's presumably somewhere in the base, until mission 4).
In a true time loop I would expect everything to be exactly the same each time, except for changes that the dis-entimed person makes. I thought that it was particularly weird that the contents of the computer changed from one loop to the next, and one loop had 15 artifacts and others had none. I can see that for your plot, you NEED stuff to change each time, but I feel like the story would benefit if you better describe why/how this is happening.
I also felt that the contact, Foreshadow, was very underused - he basically gives the same canned speech every time, and while I understand why the time loop forces him to do it, you really don't get very much out of the briefings/debriefings as a result. The bits where you interrupt him and he changes his speech are the most interesting parts of the briefings. At the end of the arc, it would be nice if he helped provide more explanation to neatly tie things up; as it currently stands, a lot of weird stuff happens and while it is neat, it's not at all clear why it's happening.
Anyway, some of these plot issues left me confused at times, but I enjoyed it overall. I gave it 4 stars.
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
Thank you for the detailed review, it really helps give me direction to clean it up some more. I'll definately be taking another story/mechanics run, at the very least when i15 goes live and probably some before (or even possibly on test).
What I was trying to go for (and when I say trying, I apparently haven't fully succeeded yet), is that Time Shifter is what is behind the time loop, he is more or less like a time vampire of sorts, stealing time from everything around him to increase the rate of his own evolution. A bit of a mystery with the reveal on the last mission which I've already decided needs more clarity.
[ QUOTE ]
Time Loop (by @Bubbawheat) (arc id 137561)
Premise is that you're stuck in a time loop and can't escape. Stated level is 15-30 with neutral morality. I played a 17 SS/will brute on Malicious difficulty.
Mission 1
Briefing: Not really clear why the first sentence is in green text, it doesn't seem to be a key phrase.
Foreshadow seems to want me to steal something from Wyvern for their own good? Seems odd. He also says "Wyvern is not taking my warning seriously", but does not explain what his "warning" actually is; I think this maybe should be made more clear. (I already anticipate that I'm going to run smack into whatever he warned Wyvern about. Foreshadowing, so to speak.)
"aquire" should be "acquire" in the briefing.
Foreshadow says "retrieve the anomaly" and "get what you need", but is very vague about what I'm actually getting for him. Some more info would be nice. How am I supposed to recognize it? (I mean, aside from it being a glowy.)
[/ QUOTE ]
The idea is that Foreshadow doesn't know exactly what it is either, just that it's something that came from the evil scientist's lab. Which I left nameless because it's not really important to the story.
[ QUOTE ]
The mission title, "Investigate the disturbance" and objective of "Find the disturbance" doesn't seem to match what Foreshadow asked me to do. Maybe need to reconcile those; either have Foreshadow ask me to "investigate" or change the mission goal to "Retrieve" (or "Steal") the anomaly.
As a villain I have no problem breaking into the Wyvern base and stealing stuff; kinda think heroes might have issues with this though, as Wyvern is a heroic group. Maybe this is okay for a neutral arc, but you might consider using a more shades-of-grey faction as enemies.
[/ QUOTE ]
I chose Wyvern mostly because they are underused, especially heroside. I think of it as a "shades of grey" arc for a hero.
[ QUOTE ]
Found a Computer and clicked on it and it seemingly did nothing; did find a message in my chat tabs for it though. You might consider adding a progress bar and a slight delay; maybe you intentionally set it to 0, but its absence made me wonder if it was broken.
[/ QUOTE ]
I intentionally went with 0 with the intent of just barely giving any thought the first time around, but having it be visible as it comes into play in later missions.
[ QUOTE ]
Found Agent Marx and fought him. He has dialog strongly suggesting it would be a bad idea to take the item from him; it seems necessary for the plot for me to do so, though, so I beat him up, causing him to accidentally trigger the device everyone thinks is dangerous.
All the info up to this point makes it sound like a really bad idea to do this. The plot seems to depend on the player doing it anyway, in order to set up the "time loop". I don't think it's good to force the player into doing something that the story clearly shows is a bad idea; I suggest you consider reworking the plot so that it doesn't require the player to do something dumb in order for the story to work. Perhaps Marx or Wyvern scientists could have already tried playing with the device before you got there (which would fit with Foreshadow's warning that Wyvern didn't know what they were doing), instead of having the player herself trigger the paradox.
[/ QUOTE ]
Lazarus called it "good job at breaking it." Maybe I'll go with the fact that the artifact had recently been triggered and Marx is already starting to feel something strange happening.
[ QUOTE ]
Marx's artifact clue: should this really be called Marx's artifact? Though I got it from him, it's clear that he wasn't the original owner, since they confiscated it from an unnamed evil scientist. You might give this evil scientist a name and call it his artifact. Also, the description of the artifact is very dry ("small round metal sphere with one button that has been pushed"), making it a little too obviously a plot device; you might consider making its description a bit more mysterious and enigmatic.
Foreshadow's briefing says there is both research and lab equipment being kept at the base, but I didn't see anything like that; just an empty computer glowy and then I got the "device" by beating the boss.
Debriefing: OK, I see now why the first sentence of the original briefing was colored green, as it is repeated here. But the rest of the debriefing is empty; should really put some text here. Maybe repeating what he said before, with some deviations because the player protests that she's already been doing this.
[/ QUOTE ]
Good suggestion. Have the original briefing as the debriefings, which allows for more new text in each iteration. I like that idea.
[ QUOTE ]
Mission 2
Briefing: exactly the same as the first briefing. Which maybe makes sense for a time loop.
Second part of briefing: OK, glad that I was able to tell Foreshadow I've already done it, so as to change his dialog, but now he asks for the artifact and acts like I don't have it. But I clearly have "Marx's artifact" my clue journal and have no new clue or other text telling me that it vanished. I can perhaps infer that it has vanished from Foreshadow's dialog, but I feel this isn't made clear enough.
[/ QUOTE ]
Yeah, the artifact is gone. I had originally thought Foreshadow's dialog was enough to infer the artifact is now gone.
[ QUOTE ]
Mission popup: it reminds me that there was a computer and an Agent Marx, which is good. But why would I think the computer or Agent Marx know anything more? I already checked both of them in the last iteration of this time loop.
[/ QUOTE ]
You didn't really "check" the computer, you just glanced at it.
[ QUOTE ]
"Investigate the disturbance" still not an accurate description for this mission. I suggest something like "Figure out what's going on" or similar.
Computer: this time there's a progress bar. Looking in my chat log, I see that I found an "encrypted folder". This seems strange; this folder wasn't there the last mission, and if this is really a time loop, where did it come from? I also suggest you add a Clue for "Encrypted File" or similar, because if this arc is played on a team, only the person who clicked the computer would see the message you currently display, and that message isn't very visible to begin with.
Marx's dialog is subtly different between mission 1 and mission 2. (In this mission he mentions getting a promotion and Steve not getting one.) The differences between the two missions makes me think this isn't a "true" time loop; unless there is some cause for these differences that is not yet apparent.
Marx remembers fighting me before! Now, why would he remember that? Is the artifact putting *everyone* in a time loop, not just me?
[/ QUOTE ]
Yes.
[ QUOTE ]
The new "Marx's Artifact" clue is capitalized and punctuated differently than the previous "Marx's artifact." clue. Not sure if that is intentional or not.
After defeating Marx and getting the code from him, it triggered a new objective of "enter the code into the computer". This is awkwardly handled because it actually spawns a NEW computer, different than the one I checked before, so it's in a different location. I actually think it would be sufficient to have the Encrypted File from the first computer and Marx's cipher key to be able to get the data; not sure the additional computer is necessary. I think the current structure would be especially puzzling to the player if, for example, I stealthed to kill Marx first, then came back to click on the first computer (having already gained the cipher key) and had the computer tell me I need a key.
The new computer is guarded by Wyvern with interesting dialog; they ALSO remember previous iterations of the time loop, so definitely this time loop doesn't work the way I would've expected. Also, the new computer is named "Wyvern Computer- right click to access information", but the mission ended as soon as I defeated all the guards.
There is some data you can get by pulling up the "info" on the computer; this is a nonstandard method for giving the player data, so some players will almost certainly miss it, especially because people tend to punch "exit" as soon as they get Mission Complete. I recommend you put this information in "clue" format instead, then award it on completing the objective, or on completing the mission.
[/ QUOTE ]
The two computers will definately change with i15. I wanted to have the player check the computer - which is right up front, but need to get the code from Marx, then respawn the computer as close as possible to where it was after getting the code. With spawnable collections and visible spawn points, this will be much more doable. As it is now, spawnable objects are either destructable or defendable. I chose defendable since destroying the computer made less sense. Defendables have no clues so I had to put the information in the info box. I added "Right click to access information" to clue the player into the info box. As far as stealthing and doing them in the wrong order, I *could* chain them together, but personally I wanted to have things spawn exactly as before, or as close as possible within MA limitations. The computer is obviously required, and every time I've played it, it's in a very visible location in the front. I felt the number of people who would do the objectives in the wrong order would be very few.
[ QUOTE ]
In the second computer's info, it says it's the same computer I checked earlier (despite being in a different location) and it says there are two major artifacts in the base. It looks like I am forced to start a new mission to get them. But I'm already in the Wyvern base, why couldn't I get the two major artifacts now? Seems a logic problem.
[/ QUOTE ]
As soon as collections are spawnable, I might have them spawn after defeating Marx, you and the new MA tools coming in i15 are giving me lots of good ideas for improvements.
[ QUOTE ]
Debriefing: again too short, but follows the pattern set so far.
Mission 3
Briefing: repeats previous information; makes sense story-wise but not that interesting as a result. Second part of briefing is better since you interrupt Foreshadow with new info and change his dialog.
Inside the mission: why are there 15 possible artifacts to search now? Why weren't these in previous runs through the time loop? The logic of how this time loop works is very confusing.
[/ QUOTE ]
Basically, in the third mission Time Shifter realizes you are looking for the second artifact so he changes the building with wild goose chases, and in the final mission, the building is larger to make it harder to get to him.
[ QUOTE ]
Found a computer and clicked it; for some reason I "rip it up" which is a description I'd usually reserve for tearing up paper or something similar.
[/ QUOTE ]
should be more like "rip it up off the wall in frustration."
[ QUOTE ]
The 15 artifacts all have a little text in a clue; I like that they're all different, but I would suggest you make them seem a little more cool, even if they are not necessary for the plot. "A garbage can" and "you don't know what this is" is info but kinda boring. I like the Harry Potter book clue though.
[/ QUOTE ]
The idea to add references to other time loop stories came later, and I added more instead of changing the old ones. Will make the old ones more interesting. If you missed some, you find: A box of cassettes featuring Sonny and Cher (of Groundhog Day fame) and Asia (from a Supernatural episode), Talkie Toaster (from Red Dwarf), pieces of the USS Bozeman (from a Star Trek episode), a note saying "Merry Christmas" to Clark (from a Lois and Clark episode), a box with a mummy hand (from a Buffy episode), and an instructional book about time warps that beings with "It's just a jump to the left" (from Rocky Horror Picture Show. Like Harry Potter, it's not a time loop, but I enjoy the reference, though now that I think about it, Prisoner of Azkaban has a time loop element to it...).
[ QUOTE ]
-- a thermal corruptor wanted to join me at this point; being on a team, I end up needing to move faster, so may be less detailed from here on --
Mission ended abruptly after defeating Marx; what happened to finding the second artifact? It's not clear why I can't just find the other artifact now instead of having to exit the mission.
Mission 4
Briefing seems unnecessary now...at least the story seems to recognize this and cuts it short.
"Investigate the disturbance" still seems a bad title. Maybe "Break the Cycle", or "Escape Time Loop".
Inside the mission, I find it isn't the same warehouse! The mission entry popup alludes to this. I'm even more confused by this time loop.
I initially thought the mission objective of "Find artifact from second Wing Talon Agent" should more properly be "Find artifact from Agent Steve", but the way Steve shows up and his description and dialog were actually quite funny just as they were.
I started looking for Marx to get the other artifact, when I suddenly ran into Time Shifter, a boss surrounded by weird critters (mix of ghosts, shivans and hydra). Aha, this guy must be behind everything that happened! But after defeating him, I find that he's actually the weird artifact that Marx had, only transformed into an actual enemy. This was pretty weird but is a neat idea; although there's some ground work laid for this (in that the artifact is described as slightly larger each time), I think some extra foreshadowing of this would be helpful to set up this big reveal.
Debriefing was a little anticlimactic; Foreshadow seems mildly pleased that I solved the temporal disturbance problem. For the sake of closure, I think it would've been nice to know a little bit more about Time Shifter and its origins, and what ended up happening to Marx and Steve after the story ends.
Decently written souvenir. "A molten lump of metal" is kind of an uninspiring name for a souvenir, though; maybe "Agent Steve's Wyvern ID Card"? Though that's not quite as central a story element.
Overall
Neat story overall, with some good writing. However, I felt there were some logic issues with how the time loop worked; the fact that the Wyvern base changes each mission, and stuff appears that wasn't there before, was rather disconcerting. The plot seemed to force the player into certain key actions (beating up Marx and starting the Time Loop in the first place; learning Steve has the second artifact in mission 3, but being unable to look for Steve even though he's presumably somewhere in the base, until mission 4).
In a true time loop I would expect everything to be exactly the same each time, except for changes that the dis-entimed person makes. I thought that it was particularly weird that the contents of the computer changed from one loop to the next, and one loop had 15 artifacts and others had none. I can see that for your plot, you NEED stuff to change each time, but I feel like the story would benefit if you better describe why/how this is happening.
I also felt that the contact, Foreshadow, was very underused - he basically gives the same canned speech every time, and while I understand why the time loop forces him to do it, you really don't get very much out of the briefings/debriefings as a result. The bits where you interrupt him and he changes his speech are the most interesting parts of the briefings. At the end of the arc, it would be nice if he helped provide more explanation to neatly tie things up; as it currently stands, a lot of weird stuff happens and while it is neat, it's not at all clear why it's happening.
Anyway, some of these plot issues left me confused at times, but I enjoyed it overall. I gave it 4 stars.
[/ QUOTE ]
Thanks again for all the detailed suggestions, I will take all of them into consideration for my next pass.
I tried starting Game of Knucklebones (#35280) but it wouldn't start for me. Probably broken by a patch.
Tidebringer (by Col_Blitzkrieger, arc #12590)
Stated level 40-54 red side, marked as "hard" in description. I tried playing my 50 thug/TA mastermind on Ruthless.
Mission 1
Briefing: contact seems pretty rude, but that's pretty reasonable for a villain contact. Good description of the problem.
The mission turns out to be a defeat all, which is annoying but makes sense the way the problem is presented (clear out a ghost infestation). Thankfully the map is pretty small.
I like the dialog the ghosts have. Though "Yarr, he seems like an honest man, he seems" ... I think the second "he seems" would read better as "he does".
Good use of clues in this mission. "Mention of an Admiral" clue is rather awkwardly phrased; suggest you rearrange so that the most threatening statement, "The Admiral cannot be stopped" is the last thing said, rather than "Stop botherin' us!" which is much less ominous.
Mission 2
Briefing: another good briefing, very descriptive of what needs to be done and good characterization for the contact.
Seemed a decent mission, good use of clues. "Agent Denmaku's information" sure portrays the Agent as quick to give up the Admiral's location; the clue justifies why, but it surprised me a little.
Mission 3
Another good briefing; this time the contact sends me after the Admiral.
I like the ship full of ghosts; the dialog between the ghosts arguing over whether to follow the Admiral was a nice touch.
Underestimated the Admiral though; he spawned as only an EB, but he hit me for 1400 then 1200 which I couldn't handle even in bodyguard mode. Second try I was more careful, cleared the pirates around him and then stayed out of melee range and let the pets and TA debuffs take care of him.
Mission 4
Ok, this time we're off to "Cap'n Mako's nautical museum", a location that is both funny yet believable that it might exist.
I'm not really sure if these Spectral Pirates are custom characters or not, so they seem pretty good to me. If they are custom characters (and I kinda think they are, doubt the Port Oakes pirates go to 50), the lieutenants having build up is quite nasty, might want to tone them down.
It's cool running into Jenkins again, though a level 50 arc seems a bit high for him to be around in.
Does this museum have an actual staff? You might consider adding "museum curator" or some other random hostages as staff. They wouldn't need to be required objectives (villains don't care, after all), they'd just be for color.
This map is wonderfully moody with the funny green lighting and the moss and water everywhere, but it is also insanely large. I must have taken 3 elevators by the time I wrote this. Consider using a smaller map (though I am not sure if a similar map exists in smaller size) or adding more stuff? I guess I did click a couple false glowies and rescued Jenkins already, but maybe a little more to do would be good. Perhaps more ghosts with dialog would be nice also?
One technique I've seen used is to give all false glowies a unique name and (usually funny) description, to make them more interesting (even if not relevant to the plot). It's not really vital, though, and the extra text can take a lot of space.
Doh, finally found Tidebringer's display case (after clicking many false glowies) and now it's spawned the Admiral somewhere and I have to get him ... unfortunately the map is huge so this is an extensive search. Finally found Red Terror on the first floor, another +1 EB; I'm afraid of the pirate cutlasses now so I keep well back and debuff while the pets get him.
Mission 5
Briefing: How did the contact suddenly decide that the Admiral is out to awaken the Leviathan? I mean, it's a good plot, but we don't have clues pointing in that direction. I suggest you have Red Terror gloat about the Admiral's plan to go after Leviathan (giving him a clue on defeat) and the player and the contact find out about it that way.
I do like how this escalates the plot to threaten the whole Rogue Isles. Though I have to wonder - won't (effectively) nuking Sharkhead Isle, most of the rest of the Rogue Isles, and all the people on them, be somewhat unheroic for a "hero" like the Admiral?
Found and freed Brick and Veluta, nice dialog on their guards.
Went after the new Admiral Darkwater; still an EB, but with hurricane this time. I was doing pretty well against him, but then a bunch of ambushes showed up - both Arachnos and Longbow, I think, with the Longbow as enemies. I got mega slowed by the Admiral's debuffs (snowstorm and/or freezing rain, I think) which stopped my ability to Aid Self and the Longbow managed to get me. I like how Longbow wanted to arrest both the Admiral and me, though; it makes it clearer that the Admiral's crossed the line, addressing my earlier complaint that this was an unheroic plan. But it's pretty well established that he's laboring to end Blackbeard's curse, so his motivation remains believable.
Refilled on inspirations and went back in for a second try. This time Darkwater 2-shotted Veluta, but Brick and my pets managed to do some damage to him while I debuffed with trick arrows, albeit slowly due to hurricane debuffs. A third ambush spawned when I got him down to 25%, this time of pirates. 3 ambushes in an AV fight is pretty ferocious; still, it's the end boss of the arc, the mission has countless warnings about how badass the final encounter is, and I think one of those ambushes might've actually been friendlies (it was pretty chaotic), so it's not completely out of line. I finally managed to beat the Admiral down to 0 health on this try, but it took awhile.
Debriefing: the contact says the magic sword shattered, but I don't remember getting a clue or message to this effect. Maybe should add one.
Overall
It's a well-crafted arc with a decent plot and a logical sequence of missions that further the plot. The dialog and clues were well written. I think the pirates with build up hit a little too hard and mission 4's map is overly long, but these are minor nitpicks. I do have to say I never got blown away by any single moment of awesomeness, or ever got fully immersed in how cool the story was, so I can't overwhelmingly enthuse about it. But it's a well written and polished story arc and I did think it deserved 5 stars.
Note: I don't seem to be able to post on the UK forums, so can't actually post this in Col.Blitzkrieger's thread there. Feel free to post a link to this review there if you have access.
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
Fighting Freedom (by @LaserJesus) (arc id 177930)
Premise is that you're beating up a team of young heroes, which is nicely symmetrical with one of my blue side story arcs, so I thought it'd be a good one to try. Level range is 21-30 red side. I played a 19 SS/will brute.
Mission 1
Briefing: good explanation of the situation. I'm to go help the Marcones against this Freedom Militia hero group.
Mission objectives: "Save Jummy Velasco", should be "Save Jimmy Velasco".
I rather like the Freedom Militia uniforms. The group reminds me of a more heroic Outcasts group. Nice dialog. I kept thinking the fire blaster girl was my Paris Hilton NPC though; it's the orange outfit.
Anarchist Blaster maybe should be Anarchist Defender with her empathy powers?
I like all the objectives you need to save here (the various drug shipments and labs and the Family guys).
(Leveled to 20 and took Quick Recovery.)
Mission 2
Briefing: contact has me going after a Freedom Militia officer called Ice Queen. I think it would be a little nicer if the player got a Clue about Ice Queen in mission 1; it's clearly from interrogating the Freedom Militia captives, perhaps the boss of mission 1 could give this info?
Ice Queen's description, "She glady helps" should be "She gladly helps".
Ice Queen's dialog seems to show she is talking to someone; I thought maybe another hero, but no one is with her but a Wyvern agent, so maybe she's meant to be talking to him. Regardless, this seems a key point - I suggest that on Ice Queen's defeat, the player should get a clue to the effect that she heard Ice Queen talking with Wyvern agents (or whomever). This clue could also hint at why it's necessary to "Defeat the ambush leader!" which suddenly popped up as an objective.
It seems like 3 patrols spawn on Ice Queen's defeat; it would kind of make more sense for these to be ambushes, since this IS a trap. But 3 ambushes would be pretty overwhelming at this level, so maybe have only one (easy) ambush and several patrols? That would let you mix their dialog up a bit more also, as all 3 patrols generate the same 2 lines of dialog when they spawn.
"Ambushed" clue: how can Wyvern have set this meeting up as a trap for me specifically? Only the contact knew I was going here, since he sent me -- did he betray me? He doesn't act like it in the debriefing, though. Perhaps Ice Queen purposely let herself be seen so that someone would be sent after her? But it compromises her connection with Wyvern, and the Freedom Militia was previously established as being VERY compartmentalized, so this seems out of character for their organization. Needs some more explanation for how this happened, IMHO.
Mission 3
Briefing: the contact's description of Agent Williams' interrogation is pretty chilling, but probably fine for a villain contact. Excellent briefing on the why and how of destroying the Wyvern base.
With the graphic description of how the contact wants me to totally demolish the Wyvern base, I'm surprised this mission isn't also a Defeat All. I know people hate Defeat Alls, but the story seems to point towards one, and the base isn't that large. Your call, of course.
I kind of would've expected something more dramatic to happen after "rigging the generator to explode". Ideal would be starting a timer until the base explodes, but I know this isn't possible. Maybe give a clue describing the base is about to blow up, or generate an ambush with Wyvern or technicians running to stop the generator from overloading? Also, if you leave any Wyvern alive, I'd think they could just stop the generator from overloading once you leave.
I clicked the 4 computers; only the first one gave any info, but it gave a laundry list of different things (commo logs, intel, dossiers, Wyvern base locations). The next 3 computers didn't give anything new. You might consider splitting this clue up into 4 different pieces, and having each computer give a piece of it, so that the last 3 computers are more interesting.
OK, I like the mission exit popup, describing the base exploding.
Mission 4
Briefing: I like that your actions in the previous mission have caused Wyvern activity to drop. You might have Cynthia Wong casually mentioned in the dossier clue in mission 3, though, as a sort of foreshadowing. Shouldn't she have a cool codename like Ice Queen and Liberty's Son, also? Also, "commicate" should be "communicate" here. Good plan on kidnapping Liberty's Son's girlfriend, though, to make him come out; seems very villainous!
It's not quite clear what Cynthia is doing in this warehouse; is she hiding out in a safehouse? Planning a Freedom Militia counteroffensive?
It occurs to me that kidnapping a telepath should be difficult as Cynthia should be able to telepathically call for help as soon as she sees me (instead of doing so while in Arachnos custody as the contact wants). She does generate an ambush, though, which makes sense for this.
Mission 5
Briefing: plot seems a little sketchier here; couldn't Cynthia Wong telepathically warn Liberty's Son that he is being lured into a trap? It seems unnecessarily risky to "knock her unconscious and take her to another location" -- if she wakes up early, anyone sees her being moved, or one of the Arachnos personnel gives up this info under interrogation, the motivation for Liberty's Son to attack this base suddenly vanishes. It would make more sense for Cynthia to still be in this base, maybe guarded by the last Arachnos holdouts.
Found Liberty's Son; he has good dialog and a good description, but seemed a pretty straightforward boss fight, which didn't seem exciting enough (IMHO) for the final mission of a story arc.
Debriefing: kinda chilling how the contact describes the plans for the hero's execution, but fitting for a villainous arc.
I kind of think this mission could use more action in order to make it more of a grand finale. May I suggest: Don't have Liberty's Son initially on the map; add a couple Arachnos/Freedom Militia battles. Add Cynthia as a hostage being guarded by the Freedom Militia, who has just barely been rescued by the good guys, but then you show up and beat up the good guys. Cynthia cries out in despair, telepathically calling all heroes in range to come save her. A Freedom Militia ambush shows up to try and save her again, but you beat them up. Maybe you're given the task to extract Cynthia from the base to a more secure location, but then Liberty's Son spawns along the exit path, vowing revenge against you and to save Cynthia, and you beat him up and finish off the Freedom Militia once and for all.
Souvenir: "Public Note of Execution" seems a rather impersonal souvenir and has a rather dry description. I suggest maybe stealing a gold locket or other piece of jewelry from Cynthia Wong, some item that Liberty's Son gave her as a symbol of their love - the love you used to destroy them. (Muhaha)
Overall
I like the premise, the dialog from both Freedom Militia and Arachnos, and the coldhearted yet detailed style of the mission briefings and debriefings. The design of the Freedom Militia enemies is quite nice. I would've liked a few more clues linking the plot together and/or providing flavor text. I liked the gameplay of the first 2 missions, but the last 3 missions were a bit on the mundane side in terms of gameplay, and could be spiced up a bit, especially the final mission. I never had a "wow, this is awesome!" moment. But it was a good arc overall and I rated it 4 stars.
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
As for the 2nd mission, the idea was that she purposely let herself be seen to lure you into a trap. As for how they knew it was you specifically, Wyvern would have figured out who had stopped the family attack. You're right though, about there not being enough clues and such to bridge it. I've got room for text additions, so I'll add some clues and fix the spelling errors you pointed out. It drives me insane when those slip by me.
As for the last mission, the burning Arachnos maps have little to play with. Only 1 boss spawn location and 2 battle locations. I originally did have a battle in there, but it would show up almost right next to Liberty's Son, meaning that he would usually start fighting the Arachnos soldiers, killing them very quickly, leaving a huge amount of allies to help him fight you.
Someone else also suggested that the 4th mission was too mundane, originally I had the Freedom Militia standard bosses in there as optional fights, but they usually ended up spawning right in the middle of the hallway, defeating the purpose of them being optional. I suppose with 2 people having the same complaint about that mission, I could put them back in to spice things up.
EDIT: I just remembered why there's no ambush after you defeat Ice Queen as I just went to go add an ambush. You can't add an ambush on completion of an objective if it also spawns other objectives. It gives an error message of "There is more than one ambush related to bla bla bla". I could have a mid fight ambush, though.
Through Rose-Tinted Glasses review (arc 101681, by @Leese)
Premise seems to be that some batty old lady thinks you're Manticore and you interact with her. Stated level range is 40-54. I played a 26 SS/will brute, who is admittedly too low but I wanted the exp.
Mission 1
Briefing: "goldmine" should be "gold mine". This lady is looking for a hero and is convinced I'm Manticore? I'm an 8 foot tall female character.... but I have the same color hair, that's probably what does it.
So she wants to send me to recover some of President Marchand's old treasure stashes and bring them to Paragon City. This sounds like a fun premise. I think she should say something more specific than "Paragon City" though, like a specific museum, or Azuria's MAGI vaults or something.
[NPC] Crab Spider Slicer: Whats his problem? Never handled Arachnoids before?
"Whats" should be "What's". The Bane Spider Coward is hilarious.
I like Barclay's dialog. The Shiny is MINE now!
For a long time I thought jewellery was misspelled, until I looked it up and found it was a valid spelling.
The debriefing is wonderful. I really like it.
Mission 2
Briefing: Premise of this mission seems awfully similar to the last; go to a hidden treasure stash and "recover" it.
Despite having multiple "treasures" to recover, the mission ended as soon as I clicked on the computer; maybe this is intentional though, since the first treasure I found was described as ruined. I imagine they all are except for the computer. I'm a little skeptical that there were many computers in President Marchand's time (he was deposed in 1963), but it's comic books, so let's go with it.
Debriefing: "Be careful if you encounter them, please!" should be "Be careful if you encounter $himher, please!"
Mission 3
Briefing: I like how you're portrayed as interrupting the contact to prevent her from sending you on another wild goose chase.
I'm not quite sure I buy into the idea that whatever is on this ancient computer could be super important, considering its data is 40 years old now and belongs to a deposed administration. Maybe when what's on it is revealed, I'll think otherwise, but currently I'm not fully believing in it.
Clicked on a glowy named "Safe 1" .. probably should just be "Safe".
(Very nitpicky) Ripped Journal has "journals" in lowercase, Singed Journal has "Journals" capitalized; maybe should be consistent. Journal Page has a differently formatted name than the other 4 clues, which are all Adjective Journal.
Ripped Journals, "civillians" should be "civilians".
OK, the Project Ragnarok clues do add up to something very interesting. But I'm still puzzled as to how they relate to the computer that I found earlier; all of these journals were in plaintext.
Also, if Arachnos had all 4 of these clues, they would have to be idiots to not spend enormous effort to finding where these nuclear bombs are placed.
There were some Longbow ambushes also which hinted that Longbow knows about the journals somehow too. This is puzzling at the moment; hoping it gets explained later. Perhaps mention of Miss Liberty in the clues is foreshadowing.
Debriefing: civillians should be civilians. I like how this briefing gives a summary of what you've found out about Project Ragnarok. I didn't catch that the computer was actually the access point for the doomsday device until this point; maybe one of the earlier clues should make that more clear.
It's a little inconsistent that the entire debriefing is third person and the contact doesn't get any dialog in this debriefing at all. Maybe not a big deal, just seems odd.
Mission 4
Briefing: Oh, I like this briefing and this plot twist. It finally ties the contact back into the main plot and in hindsight I see the foreshadowing for it. Her obsession with Manticore is pretty funny still.
Black Scorpion is in here and expecting Manticore? LOL! Black Scorpion's dialog is priceless. The batty old lady must be somehow leaking disinformation to the bad guys.
Philip's dialog and the dialog of all the ambushes/patrols that spawn after I capture Philip is pretty funny. I love how everyone totally buys into the idea that Manticore is going to show up any moment.
[NPC] Longbow Spec-Ops: We can't let that villain past
....needs a period or exclamation point at the end of it.
[NPC] Longbow Spec-Ops: Lets hold down the fort until Manticore arrives...
...."Lets" should be "Let's".
I end up running past Black Scorpion, avoiding fighting him since he isn't required.
Debriefing: "take him o Paragon" should be "take him to Paragon City". Isn't it kind of dangerous to leave Philip around, regardless of whether you give him to Arachnos or Longbow? He IS the only source of the needed DNA, after all.
Mission 5
Briefing: Looks like the contact is pretty much out of the picture and I simply decide to test whether Philip's blood will activate Project Ragnarok. This seems like a dangerous test; if it actually works, won't it set off the doomsday device?
Inside the mission: I have a mission objective called "Access Project Ragnarock" ... should be "Ragnarok".
[NPC] Longbow Spec-Ops: If we could control Project Ragnarock, we could force Arachnos to leave the Rogue Isles forever.
... "Ragnarock" should be "Ragnarok".
[NPC] Longbow Rifleman: Killing civillians is more your forte. We're here to keep this from falling into the wrong hands.
... "civillians" should be "civilians".
[NPC] Longbow Rifleman: Better you you! Attack!
"Better you you" should be "Better than you".
I'm glad you finally face down with the real Manticore...and his dialog is hilarious. I love how incredulous he is that the original contact could possibly mistake me for him. "Is your contact a cavefish or something?" LOL.
"goshdang" rings a little false for something he'd say, though...I suspect what you really meant to put here got intercepted by the profanity filter.
Nitpick: Manticore isn't technically a Longbow leader - he is leader of Wyvern.
Clicking the computer the progress bar again mentions "Ragnarock" but should be "Ragnarok". This also completed the mission without me having to fight the Arachnos leader, whomever that was. I assume this was intentional; I wasn't sure why it should be required to defeat the Arachnos and Longbow leaders anyway.
"No Network Connection" clue again has "Ragnarock" in it.
Debriefing: wow, nicely written debriefing. I almost felt bad that I .. I mean Manticore .. keeps losing to my character. I really like the moment of realization she has at the very end though.
Souvenir: Pretty nicely written, I like the last sentence that emphasizes how much you embarrassed Manticore. "Mantocore" should be "Manticore" though. "embarrasment" should be "embarrassment".
Overall
Started off a little slow, but got more interesting as it progressed. The batty old woman thinking you're Manticore the whole time seemed rather unbelievable at first, but started to really work as the arc progressed, and her final realization at the end was great. I like how the initial larceny leads into an interesting plot involving the doomsday device, and the introduction of Philip as a character was a good twist.
I thought there were a couple plot holes though. I found it hard to believe that Arachnos could know about Ragnarok and not do anything about it for 40 years; I think it's too hard to believe that they searched for those 40 years without any luck. And, how did Arachnos and Longbow start to get the idea that Manticore was actually at all these sites? For most of the arc, Manticore is only present in the contact's delusions -- how do the enemies know that "Manticore" has been getting beat up by the protagonist? I can only guess that maybe the contact is blabbing to people about how Manticore is helping her out -- but she hates Arachnos, so she wouldn't tell them. I'm not quite sure how Longbow got involved either; it's not at all clear to me how they found out about the doomsday device.
I also was rather disappointed that my villainous plot was ultimately foiled and came to nothing. Okay, so maybe I can't reasonably expect to end the story arc as a new nuclear power...but I oughta end up with something in the end. OK, so I got the proceeds from mission 1 and from ransoming Philip earlier, but that was then, this is now.
Despite these misgivings, the quirky framing story, the excellent dialog, the showdown with Manticore, and especially the final look of horror on the contact's face, pushed me into rating this 5 stars.
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
Romulo and Juliette (arc id 45146, by Peacemoon)
Another Romeo and Juliette inspired story of star-cross'd lovers. Stated level range is 26-30 blue side. I played a 26 SS/will brute.
Mission 1
Briefing: "Two gangs, alike in dignity, in fair Paragon City..." Closely follows the introduction of the play, so far. Then a dream sequence begins.
Mission entry popup: "you here the feint noise" should be "you hear the faint noise".
Whoa, what happened to all the stuff about Skulls and Hellions? This mission is full of custom "Darkfire" gang members, who seem to be amped up Hellions. Oddly, some of them have dark blast.
[NPC] Darkfire Smiter: A Hero, how did he get in here, the entrance was sealed!
My character is female, so this is wrong; "he" should be "$heshe".
OK, inside the mission we're not so much following the script, as now I'm helping the police try to arrest Romulo and Juliette.
There's lots of non-required glowies with interesting clues.
"Desk: Kidnap Plan" - "would be to try kidnap Azuria" should be "would be to try kidnapping Azuria".
Midnight Flamer's description: "Midnight Flamer's are the mystical leaders" should be "Midnight Flamers are the mystical leaders".
"Bulletin Board: Newspaper Articles" - "commited" should be "committed". "civilions" should be "civilians". It seems our star-cross'd lovers are not nice people.
I like rescuing the various cops, that's a nice touch.
Shadow Daddy's description: I think "Formally known as Bone Daddy's, these are among the most feared of Darkfires villains" should maybe be "Formerly Bone Daddies, these are among the most feared members of the Darkfire gang". Also "heros" should be "heroes".
Romulo Skull has a lot of plot-important info in his background story that I haven't seen anywhere else yet; but not everyone reads those, so it might be a good idea to put some of that info into briefings or clues. In his background, "Darkfires became" should be "The Darkfires became", and "campeign" should be "campaign".
Upon defeating Romulo, I got a clue saying that he "died trying to resist arrest"; this is a little surprising as arresting villains is normally nonlethal (even when using broadswords or full auto). I assume it's required for the plot though.
Same comments for Juliette's background and death while resisting arrest. I kind of think some heroes may be distressed to be scripted into killing two (possibly innocent) people in this story.
Trash Can: Agreement of Allignment - "Allignment" should be "Alignment". "thankyou" should be "thank you".
Mission exit popup: "check your clues" is somewhat immersion breaking.
Debriefing: "infront" should be "in front". "heroe's" should be "hero's".
Mission 2
Briefing: Romulo and Juliette are already dead, what more story could there be? Nevertheless, there's another mission. "infront" should be "in front". Now the stone that is the contact wants me to rescue Azuria.
[NPC] Death Brother: You should of stopped at the mansion...
"should of" should be "should have"
Death Brother's Diary: "pursuasion" should be "persuasion".
[NPC] Azuria: You seek guidance, I seek a helping hand. Lets get out of here Mega!
"Lets" should be "Let's"
"Azuria's Parting Words": the first mission was all a dream? I guess this lets me off the hook for having killed Romulo and Juliette, but "it was all a dream" is still rather unsatisfying. Also "thankyou" should be "thank you".
Debriefing: it says here that I "avenged" Romulo and Juliette, which is sort of true, but sort of not true if I actually killed them in mission 1. "heroe's" should be "hero's".
The last line in orange text, "However it is with great pride..." doesn't rhyme and isn't in iambic pentameter, so doesn't quite mesh with the rest of the quotation here. (Admittedly, using the player's name will make it difficult to put into iambic pentameter...)
Overall
The story itself, rescuing Azuria from a kidnapping, isn't bad, and I like how there are many clues to find out what is going on. I also liked rescuing the various police officers in the first mission.
However, the Romeo and Juliette theme didn't work for me; the story arc's titular characters manage to unify the Skulls and Hellions, and so are really not that analogous to the classical Romeo and Juliette and their perpetually feuding families. The pacing feels wrong to me as well; I thought Romulo and Juliette dying in the first act didn't work. It felt like the player was scripted into killing two innocents, and then with the story's title characters already dead, the second act felt rather tacked on -- this despite the Azuria subplot which turns out to actually be the MAIN plot when Azuria reveals "it was all a dream!"
I kind of think the gang members could've easily been a mix of normal Skulls and Hellions instead of fusing them into the custom Darkfires, and the story arc could be brought down to the lower levels where Skulls and Hellions are more normally encountered. Up to you though.
Anyway, the story was okay but didn't quite work for me. I gave it 3 stars. Hope you think that is fair!
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
Arachnos Research and Development: A Security Breach, by @Master Zaprobo (arc 28817)
Premise appears to be helping Dr Aeon and Arachnos R&D with security problems. Level range is 15-54 red side. I played a 28 SS/will brute. Contact is a custom mad scientisty looking guy who happens to be named Master Zaprobo.
Mission 1
Briefing: All the text is completely garbled, intentionally to represent a hard to understand transmission. I can puzzle out a lot of the words, but it's actually quite annoying and I have no idea why I should be helping this guy.
Inside the mission, I now find I am on a mission called "Teleport Override: AE Firewall Bunker #3" but have no idea why. I'm also supposed to disable a firewall and Defeat All. Getting further in, I see the mission is full of rogue Arachnos. I think the briefing wanted me to "rmovee any sutciery datiel" which I interpret as removing a security detail, but why it's Rogue Arachnos, I have no idea.
I begin defeating the Rogue Arachnos, then I click the glowy and disable the firewall, and then I ultimately defeat them all. I've now finished the first mission and have not received any clues, and no dialog was uttered by anything in the mission, so I'm still quite clueless as to what is going on.
Debriefing: OK, so now the mad scientist is able to ungarble his transmission because the firewall is down. And now he has a "backdoor" into the AE system. Great, I guess. Last sentence is missing a period after the player's name.
This first mission has been extremely annoying and I am tempted to quit the arc right here, but I push on.
Mission 2
Briefing: OK, now the contact actually introduces himself and offers me a job, without telling me anything about it whatosever.
Second part of briefing: After I accept the mission, he tells me the particulars, which is to go extract one of his scientists from one of his bases.
There's a mix of Arachnos and some good looking mad scientist custom mobs in the mission; but in the very back there are some Longbow surrounding Dr. Brubaker, the guy I'm supposed to extract. I am not sure it makes sense for this small group of Longbow to have made it past an entire mission full of Arachnos in order to be here.
[NPC] Longbow Eagle: Do not interfere citizen, we're not here for you today
[NPC] Dr. Brubaker: Y-you must believe, I'd never betray Arachnos
Both the above lines of dialog should end in a period.
I also got a "Suspicious Computer" clue from a non-required glowy; in it, "was instead some form of scrolling machine code" doesn't quite make sense. Maybe you mean "was instead scrolling some kind of machine code."
The mission exit popup should also have a period at the end.
Mission 3
Briefing: This keeps refering to "basecode" for an AI, but I think you may mean "source code"; unless perhaps "basecode" means something like that in Europe. Anyway, I'm sent to deal with Longbow stealing the "basecode" of the AI.
[NPC] Longbow Minigun: TFL Papa says to keep that EMP Glove trained on her - or we'll all be trouble
dialog should end in "we'll all be in trouble" and a period.
[NPC] Dr Darkespark: YES! Come on Mega - about time you got here
should have a period at the end.
Dr Darkespark is an ally who is an EB mastermind. I'm on the minimum difficulty, so she's probably really an AV ally; this seems too powerful for an ally.
The EB and I end up clearing the base and getting the glowy back. I guess we don't think Longbow has any backups of this valuable data.
Mission 4
Briefing: Dr Darkespark takes a helicopter out of the last mission and crashes into a robot making factory in this one. It's the contact's robot factory but now the contact wants me to destroy all his robots.
The mission turns out to be a Defeat All with a 30 minute time limit, but it is quite late and so I decide to log and let it time out to see what happens.
The next morning I log in and the contact yells at me some, and the arc ends.
Overall
I like the mad science theme of the contact and the ARAD mobs, who look pretty good. I'm afraid I really don't like the "hook" for the story arc, though; it seemed like I did the first mission for no reason, then the rest of the arc treated me as the contact's incompetent lackey. For the most part, I am sent on missions to clean up after or kill the contact's other incompetent lackeys; this concept didn't really grab me. Having two Defeat All missions was excessive, I thought (admittedly I opted out of the second by letting it time out).
I kinda want to give this arc around 2.5 stars, but ended up settling on 2.
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
Hero Therapy!, by Ridiculous Girl (arc id 119228)
Premise appears to be some sort of counseling service for heroes who are stressed out about fighting bad guys. Level ranges scale up, with the first and lowest mission at 5-20, ramping up to the final mission which is 41-54. It's blue side, but I'm trying to level my brute, so I played a 28 SS/will brute.
Mission 1
Briefing: The contact, "The Therapist", wants to put me through some sort of "dream therapy" to help me with the inner demons that are tormenting me. He then "hypnotises" me. Interesting setup. "refered" should be "referred". "surpised" should be "surprised".
The various mission captions, "Therapy Session One" etc should perhaps be in larger font, bolded, colored or otherwise made to stand out from the rest of the text.
Inside the mission are some low level mobs with fairly surreal dialog. I find the Therapist and he wants me to confront my grade school librarian. This kind of make sense for the character I'm playing, who became a villain after a traumatic experience in grade school....
Found "The Steel You Lack" as an ally too, which is kind of weird...if I lack this "steel" shouldn't he not appear in my subconscious? I also kinda think he should have a more profound name, like "Determination" or "Initiative".
Consider awarding a clue on defeating the Librarian or completing mission 1, indicating the player has conquered one of her fears. (It is explained in the debriefing, but this could be missed by players on a team that don't see the debriefing.)
Mission 2
Briefing: more psychobabble and another dream session.
Inside the mission, someone says:
[NPC] Wing Talon Agent: So, I am wondering why we are patroling this place...
"patroling" should be "patrolling".
Ran into a group of Little Nightmares, custom dual blades/kinetics minions. Multiple stacked siphon speeds is actually pretty nasty. I think this was an ambush. You might consider playtesting them against a mid-sized to large team; a large ambush of kinetics minions might be too nasty.
Then I fought some Wyvern who were in a faction called Middle Random Encounters; not sure you meant for that faction name to be visible to the player.
Found glowies called "Broken Friendship" and "Broken Promise"; each put some nice text into my Global Chat window, but this would be easy to miss for most players. You might consider having each one give a clue for the clue journal. This would also let players on the team who didn't click the glowy know what happened.
What is the significance of the little rabbits and clowns with afros? Is there meaning to being in the hospital? I guess they are just part of the dream, but I'm thinking everything here must have some kind of symbolism.
I think it's odd that this mission's boss is Vanity, but the previous mission's boss was a Librarian. Vanity and Librarian seem disparate concepts. Maybe it should be Vanity and Fear, or maybe Ex-Girlfriend and Librarian.
Mission 3
Briefing: basically a third therapy session where I link up with the psychologist and go fight a symbolic representation of one of my problems. This was kinda cool the first time but is now feeling a little repetitive.
"Lost Memory" glowies, same comment as previous mission; consider having them give a clue.
I like rescuing the "Repressed Memory" hostage.
"Secret Shame" has a nice costume and dialog; definitely implies I did something really bad in my past. Though I confess that bludgeoning a schoolgirl to death doesn't seem like it should really be good therapy for "my Secret Shame". The symbolism of beating up "shame" may be wrong for what the therapist is trying to do; I wonder if it would be better symbolism if you were to rescue "Secret Shame" and lead her to the door, letting her go? Confessing your Secret Shame and then learning acceptance seems like it would be more mentally healthy than repressing it further.
Mission 4
Briefing: the contact asks "Are you ready for your 4th and final session?" He goes on to repeat it's the final session at least 3 times. This rings false to me; I don't believe a psychologist would state this was a final session, as there is no certainty this session will be successful (and thus it might require follow-on sessions). It would be better if the contact tells you that you're done after you succeed with the mission, rather than setting up possibly false expectations.
Second part of briefing: contact mentions my "Secret Shame" will be present as an ally; but symbolically, it makes no sense for "Shame" to be something that helps me.
I like the symbolism of the negative attributes that you overcome in each mission, returning to help you in the next mission. But I think you could deepen this symbolism by changing the name of the mob each time.
For example in mission 1 you could defeat Fear (the librarian); in mission 2, the librarian returns but is now named Courage. (You can change the name while still using the same model, so shouldn't require much more space). In mission 2 you defeat Vanity (the Roman girl), then she returns in mission 3 as your ally, now named Self Confidence. In mission 3 you defeat Secret Shame, and she could return in mission 4 named Self Image. Something like that.
Second part of briefing: "curiousity" should be "curiosity". "Would you like fries with that hamburger?" seems a poor choice for a post-hypnotic trigger phrase since someone could easily say that to the character at Up-and-Away Burger and accidentally trigger the hypnotic suggestion. Should use a more nonsensical phrase that no one is likely to say.
In the mission: gah, Sappers! There's sappers in my dream!
I destroy an object called "The Trip to the Emergency Room" .. not sure what destroying this represents; destroying a memory doesn't seem correct symbolism. Also clicked a "Your Toy Box" glowy. Neither one gave me a clue; possibly both of them should give me something, for the sake of color, even if it is not specifically plot relevant.
Lots more interesting objects representing petty annoyances that maybe festered into seething rage. I especially like "That One Parking Ticket!" Consider giving the mobs guarding these destructible objects dialog that is relevant to the particular psychological problem they are guarding; the guys guarding the parking meter would say something about how public parking bothers you now, or the guys guarding the Crate of Bad Memories could hint at the bad memories you've suppressed, the guys guarding "Your first car accident" could bemoan the damage to your car, stuff like that.
[NPC] Air Thorn Caster: Well, it is certain a nightmare for me..
"certain" should be "certainly"
Found a Happy Memory glowy, which I clicked; should maybe give a clue, too.
Met some CoT and Crey in a faction called "Random Encounters"; probably should have a better group name.
I found "Your First Car Accident" and thought it was a little weird that I should destroy the car, when the info is "You loved that car". It seems like damaging the car until it explodes would actually be damaging to my psyche, if I really loved it that much.
"That one summer" maybe should have a clue. "Vegetables for dinner" is funny, also.
I kinda think I should be destroying all the destructible objects in this mission, but they aren't a required objective, and actually trigger ambushes. So I'm not sure if it's actually a good idea to be doing these side objectives. But they're too interesting not to do, so I end up fighting the ambushes.
"Your old bookself..." should be "Your old bookshelf". Should give a clue.
Found "The Door" and beat him up. From looking at him and his description, I have no idea what he's supposed to symbolize; certainly he is the "final obstacle" but what does he represent? Based on his dialog...maybe "Doubt"?
I kind of think that all of the Door's dialog should be this negative, self-hating stuff that he currently says -- except his final defeat message, which should become a message of hope. Since you've defeated Doubt, unlocked the Door, etc.
Debriefing: "to point a few little things" ... should be "to point out a few little things".
The contact does explain some of the symbolism of the Door, but I still think it would make more sense for the final boss to represent some particular concept, like Doubt.
"aspects of you mind" should be "aspects of your mind".
"recurrance" should be "recurrence" .. or maybe "reoccurence".
Overall
A very interesting concept for an arc. I like the idea presented here, of mentally overcoming certain obstacles and turning them into strengths.
I like the symbolism presented - however, I think there should be even more symbolism, since every mission is really just a dream sequence, everything should mean something. I love the little non-required side objectives (non-required glowies, hostages and destructible objects) and I think some or all of them should be given clues for the player to read in their clue journal. The ones that have mobs guarding them should have dialog talking about the memory or the concept they are guarding. I also think the maps should have some symbolism; I'm quite puzzled as to why the hospital map, the burning office and Dr. Vahzilok's lair were chosen. They should mean something. I'm sure you must have some reason for choosing these maps, but it wasn't quite apparent to me; perhaps their symbolism should be made more clear. I got pretty obsessed with dream interpretation and wondering what everything in this arc "meant" (like what's up with the bunnymen and the clown people?) and would really like if the symbolism of these elements were made more clear to the player. (Or if they really don't have symbolism and are just meant to be weird, if they could be made to represent some part of the player's psyche.)
I thought it was quite a neat arc overall; but I think there's several things that could be added to deepen the symbolism and make the dream sequence even more immersive. I gave it 4 stars.
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
The "Reviewers List" link for Rapulis appears to be a dead link, so I'm going to assume his thread got purged for inactivity and he isn't a reviewer at this point. So skipping over him in the review order.
EDIT: Same for Bayani, no review thread still active.
EDIT2: Same for Sooner, no review thread still active.
EDIT3: Same for Dominemisis, no review thread still active.
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
thank you, PW, that is probably the most useful review i have recieved. i need to make some revisions, and might be able to address some of your concerns. i am a little burnt out of MA and reviewing, so i may return to it all after the summer and my return trip back to the states. when i do a revision your advice will be my most useful guide. thank you.
global: ridiculous girl
Hero Therapy! (TM) - 119228
welcome to donut world - 1233
[ QUOTE ]
thank you, PW, that is probably the most useful review i have recieved.
[/ QUOTE ]
I concur, PW's review is probably the best you are going to get detail wise. Author's may not agree with all of her suggestions, but they will find some good nuggets to work off of. Her review helped me with my Death to Disco! arc and it was definitely improved after her review a couple months back.
WN
Check out one of my most recent arcs:
457506 - A Very Special Episode - An abandoned TV, a missing kid's TV show host and more
416951 - The Ms. Manners Task Force - More wacky villains, Wannabes. things in poor taste
or one of my other arcs including two 2010 Player's Choice Winners and an2009 Official AE Awards Nominee for Best Original Story
Blondes Revenge (arc 150638)
The premise is that a group of blondes get sick of being the butt of blonde jokes and decide to take over the city.
Naturally, it made the most sense for me to play Blond Justice (50 broadsword/shield scrapper) for this arc.
The contact looks like Ms. Liberty, but has no name, instead defaulting to "Contact Hologram". Should give her a name.
The story arc "Blondes Revenge" should be punctuated "Blondes' Revenge" or "Blonde Revenge", or maybe "Blonde Vengeance".
Mission 1 (the only mission)
Briefing: Needs paragraph breaks. "dont" should be "don't". "Nevermind" should be "never mind". "randomsome" should be "ransom". "powersource" should be "power source". "officebuilding" should be "office building". "Paragons' reactor" should be "the Terra Volta reactor".
Ms. Liberty (or Contact Hologram) wants me to take out a bunch of power generators because the blondes are conspiring to build these power generators, then knock out the Terra Volta reactor and corner the market on energy.
This plot has several holes. First, you have to believe that blondes have the technology to construct power generators. Second, even if you assume that they can build them, wouldn't it be more correct for me to stop them from attacking the reactor? After all, it's not illegal to build a power generator; while it IS illegal to attack a nuclear power plant.
Second part of the briefing: "Save us from the Blondes" seems a little too short, and also doesn't make sense since Ms Liberty is herself blonde. Though, this does put her on my suspect list; it seems entirely possible she may be planning to betray me to the blondes.
The mission title is "Take out 4 generators." which seems awfully dry. Also, I'm able to take out all 4 generators and the mission still won't complete, since the Sheriff is needed also, so this title is inaccurate sometimes. I suggest you rename it to "Stop the Blonde Conspiracy" or something similar.
The mission objectives are just "Sheriff" and "4 Generator". I think these should be "Defeat Sheriff" (or "Rescue Sheriff" if appropriate) and "4 Generators to destroy".
All your mobs are in a faction called "Blonde 2" which doesn't really make sense. I suggest you name their faction something more descriptive like "Dumb Blondes" or "Blonde Rage" or "Blonde Leading the Blonde" or "Blonde Ambition" or something like that.
The description of the various mobs seems to have dialog instead of info about them; I think you should rephrase their info to describe who they are, then change some of the blondes to SAY the stuff you have in their info right now.
I don't get why the Librarian has archery and the Investigator has electric blast. The Investigator's info has "takeover", which should be "take over".
Singer Star has a cool bio, but should maybe be named either "Pop Star" or "Singer Songwriter".
Why is Biker Girl a gravity controller? I think it would make more sense if she tried to stab me with a knife or hit me with a baseball bat.
I found a male Blonde! He was a police deputy. I think it would make more sense for male Blondes to be either surfer dudes or frat boys.
In Teacher Lady's description, "Benjamin Franklins'" should be "Benjamin Franklin's". Also, not sure it helps your story to have her talking about Benjamin Franklin's key experiment. Suggest you come up with something funnier.
Sheriff says "Its time you dyed your hair Blond Justice". "Its" should be "It's". And, well, my character IS blond already.
I think "I should have dyed my hair red" is kind of a sad thing for the chief blonde to say as she dies.
Debriefing: Really doesn't say much. The contact should really say more here, maybe say something about the aftermath of the blonde attack. "Blondes are bad" really isn't sufficient.
Overall
This is clearly meant to be a comedic story arc, but...I'm afraid it just wasn't very funny. I think you need to add more jokes to your story if you want it to be comedic. None of the blondes had dialog except the final boss; I'd suggest you add a lot more dialog, maybe containing some of the stuff you embedded into their descriptions.
The plot itself, to replace the city's power supply, is not very funny, doesn't make much sense, and does not really add much to your story, which seems to be about angry blondes. I'd suggest that you replace this plot with something more closely aligned with the blonde anger idea; like maybe have them holding a lot of brunettes hostage, with the idea that they will forcibly bleach blonde them. For each hostage, the blonde guards could say stuff like, "Prepare to dye!" "Gentlemen prefer blondes!" "Now you'll get to see that blondes really DO have more fun!" If you want destroyable objects, maybe you can use some of those toxic waste drums to represent huge barrels of peroxide or something.
I think you should make your blonde NPCs play up the blonde stereotype, and get rid of all the blondes in intellectual professions like teaching, lab assistant work, investigating, etc., and replace them with things that fit the "dumb blonde" meme, like cheerleaders, sorority girls, spokesmodels, ski bunnies, beach bunnies, and so on.
Alternatively you could avert the "dumb blonde" trope by making ALL of your blondes into very highly intellectual characters, like nuclear physicists, college professors, psychologists, economic advisers, etc., and have them all speak extremely brainy dialog about how angry they are because the world stereotypes them as being "dumb" simply for being blonde.
Anyway, as it is, I didn't feel like this story arc really worked, and I felt I could only give it 2 stars.
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"