Whoops.
My characters - all on Virtue.
Gabe's Internet [censored] Theory
RMT spammers WILL steal your credit card.
You know, I always figured Jack would one day outsmart himself.
Brilliant!
Of course, it'll be lost on those it's pointed at, but sheer satirical genius...I love this.
Can I bump this back up? I was diving deep into the lost articals of months past and found this. I think others should read this for loughs! 
TO: jtcrusader@hotmail.com
FROM: pjknight@hotmail.com
RE: Hard Evidence
J, we're having a problem presenting our case to the media lately -- they're starting to demand hard evidence. Before we could get by with the usual buzzwords and outrage, since clearly this is a pandemic problem sweeping the nation and ruining our culture... but last night this moron on CNN kept demanding I show proof of our claims, and I didn't have any, since to date all our cases get thrown out of court.
We need a solution to this, and I think I have one. What we need to do is show the world that this problem is very real, by presenting them with a case scenario. A poster child for our cause, if you will. Since we can't find one that a jury will beleive, we're going to have to make one.
Johnson's volunteered his young boy, Mike. It's a sacrifice he's willing to make; he knows how important this is, how critical it is for the moral health of our great nation. Here's my plan.
We'll take Mike, and raise him on a media saturation diet. He'll play nothing but murder simulators like Doom, Mortal Kombat, and Night Trap. We'll show him lots of those pornographic japanese cartoons. We'll get lots of violent, R-rated movies with deplorable violence, horrible langauge, and offenses to our Lord -- you know, things like Terminator 2, Dogma, and anything by Uwe Boll (video game movies! Perfect!).
After a few years of this we'll be able to present him to the world as an example of why violent video games and media WILL turn any innocent child into a heartless, emotionally stunted killer. We'll have the hard evidence we need, because we'll have made it custom tailored to prove our point. Then they'll be sure to listen to us! We can finally get that pesky first amendment dealt with and establish one great nation, pure and wonderful, under the laws of God.
-P
TO: pjknight@hotmail.com
FROM: jtcrusader@hotmail.com
RE: RE: Hard Evidence
P, i like it. That'll show those moronic little pixelantes! Finally we can save these idiots from themselves. Under the new regime, btw, we should have the extrotion factory behind PA publically executed.
-J
TO: kelly@miamipd.gov
FROM: biggs@miamipd.gov
Sir, here's the complete repot of the crime scene. It's a bit mind boggling, so I wanted to run it by you before I enter it into record.
As you know, no less than nine bodies were found in the building, three of which were in the basement where they were holding the kid hostage. As near as we can tell, this was some sort of cult brainwashing project -- we found piles of violent media and plenty of evidence of restraints being used, although not recently. Oddly, all the deceased were members of a right wing parents media watchdog group.
I'm not sure if anybody's going to believe this, but I think the kid we pulled in was responsible. The sheer bodily damage done to the victims suggests a much stronger assailant, but the kid confessed... sort of. He told me that he was "grinding mobs for XP" and was confused that "when he fragged them, coins didn't pop out of their body." Someone asked him if he had any regrets at all about what he'd done, and he told them he was "disappointed that he hadn't unlocked the secret boss battle and his second costume."
The most grotesque and confusing of the killings would be the lawyer we found -- the one who headed up the group. Apparently, and I don't want to sound crude, his buttocks exploded. The boy seemed especially happy to tell us that was his "finishing move," known as the "One Thousand Years of Pain" or the "Kanchou."
I strongly recommend this boy be placed in the Zig, as he presents a danger to himself and others. He's refusing to answer to his given name of Mike, and only calls himself "The Pixelante Kid." He kept asking to be let go so he could defeat Sheng Long in order to stand a chance, beat up hookers with a baseball bat, and break open blocks with his head to get magical mushrooms that would make him bigger.
I'd say psyche services evaluation is a must.
BTW, this is probably related -- we just picked up the boy's father. He seems to have lost his mind as well; he stormed into a local video game store and killed three clerks. He declared that 'Those bastards from Take Two' are next before he was finally restrained by a hero. For some reason he felt that if he went on this murder spree, ten thousand dollars would be donated to the charity of his choice. I can't explain it, either. Sounds satirical, or something.
Global @Twoflower / MA Creator & Pro Indie Game Developer.
Mission Architect Works: DIY Laser Moonbase (Dev Choice!), An Internship in the Fine Art of Revenge (2009 MA Award Winner!) and many more! Plus Brand New Arcs for Issue 21!