*Before Jack can get a word in, the caller bursts out in a loud voice:*
When evil's lurking far or near, I'll punch the things that I don't fear!
But there's no need to wear a frown, for Thunderpunch will save our town!
Thunderpunch demands the attention of these nefarious ne'er-do-wells! Thunderpunch is on to your scheme, oh yes! Just today, Thunderpunch assisted Positron with a mighty task, protecting the Paragon Dam from the forces of EVIL! And as Thunderpunch fought through malevolent mobs of metallic miscreants and conniving collections of corroded cadavers, as well as heinous hordes of hooded heretics, he was struck by the fact that they all seemed to be fighting against one another! He was also struck many times over the head, but that is not the issue!
Now Thunderpunch knows your TRUE scheme! The attack on the dam was just a ploy - yes, a ploy - to keep Thunderpunch from finding out you were making a public appearance! Nice try, Dr. Zombie Guy and Clockwork Elvis, but not nice enough! Thunderpunch is on to you, and your diabolical plans are doomed to failure! Thunderpunch also hears a woman's voice with you; clearly a damsel in distress! Does your evilness know no bounds?!
Now, Thunderpunch's question is this: where are you, so that Thunderpunch may come and deliver many punches of THUNDER and JUSTICE, thus defeating you?! Answer swiftly, and Thunderpunch may go easy on you!
One call for help is all you need: 'A Punch for Justice' is my creed!
Beware, all those who hate the Light, for Thunderpunch will-
*The line goes mercifully dead; apparently Thunderpunch was on a pay phone and ran out of change*
Hey, this is HEROID. I gotta bone t' pick with Doc Vahz...
Now, I don't blame ya fer buyin' my body from Crey... It wuz a fine body, if I do say so myself.
Nah, the problem I got with you pal, is yer pukin' zombies...
Do ya know how many times I've had t' get a new paint job because I didn't make it t' th' carwash in time? That crap eats right through the clear coat. I swear, I'm gonna start sendin' ya th' bill if ya don't do somethin'.
An' one more thing...
If I ever hear one more o' yer mortificaters say it's th' Paragon Pizza that's makin' em puke...
"Hey, Jack, this is Back Yard Boom, the kid who's gonna replace Back Alley Brawler once he hangs up the cyberarms. I gotta question fer Vandal. As ya might remember, my group the Young Phalanx stomped ya pretty good last night on Bastion's behalf. Nice guy fer a robot, ain't he? Anyways, I gotta know this. We went ta the same frickin' "secret entrance" three times ta invade yer base. Each time, it had a different layout. I gotta know what kinda tech yer usin' ta make yer lair unique each time I bust my way through it. Oh, an' the kids from Galaxy City Elementary School really loved the exhibit I made outta Warcry parts ta show 'em how electronic circuits work. The internal LEDs on yer primary an' secondary control boards do great fer gettin' peoples' attention.
An' who's this Vahzilok guy again, Jack? I never bothered fightin' him. I mean, ya'd think if I got ta Security Level 30 I'd have fought him a few times. Eh, back ta class, I guess. GO BLACKROBES! ST. IGNATIUS COLLEGE PREP RULES!"
Back Yard Boom - Emo Catgirl - Cobalt Claymore - Hephaestus 1
Avatar by Scarf_Girl!
"Hey. This is the Red Hand here, got one question and somethin' to tell the Doc there.
First off... I gotta know, since you mentioned the archvillain's union earlier. Is Azuria a member? I mean, everything I bring back to MAGI always ends up in villain hands, like, five minutes after, so I gotta ask.
Second... Doc. While I don't deal with your zombie-<bleeps> anymore, mostly I've been dealing with the Nems, that zombie vomit? It's hell on the leather. My outstanding cleaning bill is currently standing at six thousand, three hundred and twenty-eight dollars due to them. Do you have any idea how I'm going to pay for that? This isn't a paying job! And I'm not the only one!
Fortunately, I do. See, heroes and lawyers might be opposites... but my cousin -is- a lawyer. We're filing a class action laundry bill lawsuit against you on behalf of the heroes of Paragon City. See you in court, Doc, I hope that practice of yours picks up..."
Hi. This is Techno-Paladin, from the Do-Gooders.
To Vandal: First off, being a robotics expert myself, I'd like to say I admire your work. While I have yet to meet a mech man or Wolfpack (or whatever you call them now) that my cybernetic armor couldn't defeat, I'll admit that, for mass-produced machines, they're quite impressive. So is your personnal gear, as I've witnessed first-hand (not sure if you remember that - that was months ago).
However, I have one serious issue I'd like to complain about: Shortly after the task force I was on arrested you (escape for now, fine...One of those days I'll hire a lawyer to be my sidekick), I encountered some robots of yours that had gone rogue, taken over their base, and weere trying to exterminate mankind (which includes you, I'd like to point out). I know programming these things not to rebel can be difficult (I had a lot of trial-and-error back in college until my AIs didn't consider me expendable), but, considering the risks, I do believe you ought to be just a tad more careful than that Zoria moron was with Oranbega! Just because you're evil, it's no excuse to be IRRESPONSIBLE!
To the Clockwork King: Nice self-replicating designs you've come up with - I've always found Von Neuman machines fascinating (I've told many teammates not to underestimate the Clockwork). A question, though: Where did you get those psychic powers? It must take immense energy to keep those thousands of machines running...
Oh, and Synapse said to say hi. Heheheh.
To Dr Vahzilok: First, let me say that I admire your dedication to a vaguely noble goal...Too many people are quick to associate "the ends justify the means" with "evil with no redeeming values". However, considering our society, as is, wouldn't be able to sustain the demographic explosion that would result from overcoming death, don't you think you might be killing the very people you've sworn, by your hippocratic oath to protect, FOR NOTHING?
Just a thought.
To Miss DeVorre: Remember that guy you had kidnapped? The one you killed moments before I got there? Well, there's no need to worry that I might be upset about it. Nope, none at all.
And when I'm done taking appart that Carnival of yours, I'm force-feeding you your own mask. Just so you know.
"Heeyyyy there Jack! It's me, Durango! You're sounding good man, and I'm looking forward to another shot contest at the PDP. *laughs* Aannnnd of course, my question is music related! So, bad gu- oh sorry... reverse-intentioned heroes... What are your theme songs? And CK, I gotta thank you for letting your Cogs pick which stations they play from those radio parts they stick on themselves sometimes. No offense, Jack, but sometimes I hear the Cape just before I blow th-.. er.. reverse engineer them, and it makes me smile. Catch y'all later! *laughs*"
Yeah, this is Small Arms, and all I've got to say is directed to the Clockwork King..
*clears throat*
WILL YOU PLEASE TELL THAT WALKING SCRAP PILE BABBAGE TO STOP, I REPEAT, STOP LOOKING IN MY WAREHOUSE WHILE I'M WORKING MY 'MONSTER GARAGE' FAN ENTRY'?
*clears throat again*
Look, King, that...son of yours keeps playin' Peepin' Tom when I'm in my warehouse in Skyway. I mention once while teamed up fightin' him that I'm workin' on my 'girl' at the garage. Heck, it was because we had an easy enough time takin' 'Junior' down for a spankin', so I was shootin' the breeeze with some of the team.
Now, every night I find his ugly mug hoverin' over the upper windows with this puppy dog look in his eyes...sensors...whatever. I swear, he keeps lookin' at the truck I've been workin' on like it was some kind of long-lost love.
I've managed to shoo him away several times now, but so help me Di Vinci, if that boy of yours doesn't stay away from my girl, I'm gonna shoot first and not bother askin' questions later.
*silence on the end for several moments*
Better yet, I'll take him out, and use the spare parts for my truck. Heh. How would you like that, King? Your boy bein' turned into a girl? The macho Clock King suddenly finds his 'son' is now a daughter. And without goin' to Sweden.
Oh, and while we're at it, if any of you see Countess Crey, tell that *censored* that Armstrong Armaments is NOT for sale, no matter how many times she tries to get on the Board of Directors. I might be a grease monkey, but I'm a grease monkey with a business Masters from Harvard.
Any way, look forward to kickin' yer keisters again in the future.
DJ: Ooooowww! This is radio WURX, back from commercial and you're on the air!
[ QUOTE ]
*Vangelus the masochistic nuclear robot gets ahold of a telephone*
HIIII~!
I just wanna go around the table and give some good cheer to all the guests! Hee hee!
Mister Vaaaahzilok! I absolutely aDORE how much your friends would.....mmmmm...buuuurn me. Even if it was icky speeeew!
Oooh oooh!! And and and, thanks so much to the Kingy and Vandal for making such...unique sensory expeeeeriences. *voice becomes deep and sophisticated* The little clocks are so rough and textured and ZAPPING...while the Vandaldroids are- *quick inhale, slooow exhale* -smooth and buuuurning...I would LOVE to meet with the TWO of you sometime...
I could give you both hugs! Hee hee hee!
OOoooh, and the Carnie lady's there, right? Right right right right?
Psychic lances are so stabby and aphysical, I love 'em! *disturbing giggle* I wanna meet you in person one day so I can give you a biiiiiig snuggly radiation hug!
*low voice* And maybe you can fillet me with brain daggers...hm hm hmmm...
Awww! Now Mister Shinsektor's figured out where I am! I gotta give his phone back... *audibly pouts*
Byyyee~!
[/ QUOTE ]
Vandal: Hoo, boy...
Dr.V: Disturbing. TRULY disturbing.
CK: We ought to introduce him to Captain Carnage.
Dr.V: Yes, the two of them would be endless entertainment for each other!
DJ: Who?
CK: Oh, right. Captain Carnage is one of the shameful little secrets of the villain community. He's not an archvillain, or anywhere near a supervillain...
Dr.V: The man is somewhat deluded, and takes pleasure from pretending to commit crimes, and being "thwarted" by super-heroes.
CK: Yeah. They usually stop hitting him when they notice he's breathing heavy.
Vandal: Or vhen they break into his "Secret Lair" und find a heart-shaped bed und Jacuzzi, mit der Barry White playing in der background.
CK: Yeah, that guy! He'd be perfect for this guy!
Dr.V: Unfortunately, the Captain is quite deceased.
CK: What? When did that happen?
Vandal: He tried his usual "Evil Plot" on some dark vigilante type, who promptly dropped him down an elevator shaft. From der tventy-second floor.
CK: Ouch. Oh well.
DJ: Next caller?
((OOC Note: The Captain Carnage anecdote is actually from Alan Moore's WATCHMEN comic series. Borrowed for humor, and for non-profit purposes. Go read Watchmen, it's great!))
[ QUOTE ]
*A man with a very slick, rapid-fire way of saying things calls in.*
Yeah, hey. My name's Jonny Sureshot, the hottest new hero on the scene, and I've got a question for, well, everyone; do you guys do any product endorsements, and if so could you give me some information on how to start shilling for stuff? I think there's a real untested market for product placement that I really would like to get into, y'dig? So, do you just, like, say the product's name on air and then they send you money, or... well, you know.
Oh, actually, and a seperate question for Clockwork Orange; when you get really bored do you take household appliances and make them dance? Because that's TOTALLY what I'd do.
[/ QUOTE ]
DJ: Woo, good question! What about it guys, do you dance to the beat of the corporate dollar?
CK: Oh, heck yeah! We're celebrities after all, gotta earn our world domination dollars somehow...
Dr.V: Indeed, although this is largely dependant upon the parent company! For example, most medical supply businesses will have nothing to do with me, for their simplistic minds cannot COMPREHEND my scope of vision! The SIMPLETONS!
Vandal: Vell, sometimes its more a matter uff convenience. Ve haff no Pepsi machines in der secret bases, only der Coca-cola. But ve safe a mint in installation und maintenance fees!
CK: Yeah, hey Jonny? Best way to get into product endorsement is to be a villain, you should give it a try! Oh, and I don't MAKE household appliances dance, I just give them the ability to dance. If they want to dance afterwards, that's up to them.
DJ: Good answers, to a good question! Let's see if it's a trend... next caller?
[ QUOTE ]
*Before Jack can get a word in, the caller bursts out in a loud voice:*
When evil's lurking far or near, I'll punch the things that I don't fear!
But there's no need to wear a frown, for Thunderpunch will save our town!
Thunderpunch demands the attention of these nefarious ne'er-do-wells! Thunderpunch is on to your scheme, oh yes! Just today, Thunderpunch assisted Positron with a mighty task, protecting the Paragon Dam from the forces of EVIL! And as Thunderpunch fought through malevolent mobs of metallic miscreants and conniving collections of corroded cadavers, as well as heinous hordes of hooded heretics, he was struck by the fact that they all seemed to be fighting against one another! He was also struck many times over the head, but that is not the issue!
Now Thunderpunch knows your TRUE scheme! The attack on the dam was just a ploy - yes, a ploy - to keep Thunderpunch from finding out you were making a public appearance! Nice try, Dr. Zombie Guy and Clockwork Elvis, but not nice enough! Thunderpunch is on to you, and your diabolical plans are doomed to failure! Thunderpunch also hears a woman's voice with you; clearly a damsel in distress! Does your evilness know no bounds?!
Now, Thunderpunch's question is this: where are you, so that Thunderpunch may come and deliver many punches of THUNDER and JUSTICE, thus defeating you?! Answer swiftly, and Thunderpunch may go easy on you!
One call for help is all you need: 'A Punch for Justice' is my creed!
Beware, all those who hate the Light, for Thunderpunch will-
*The line goes mercifully dead; apparently Thunderpunch was on a pay phone and ran out of change*
[/ QUOTE ]
CK: Our evilness knows no bounds?
Vandal: Is dat anyting like, "Know no limit?"
Dr.V: Similar. Excuse us for a minute, diligent Disk Jockey, whilst I confer with my comrades.
::Muffled Whispers::
CK: Okay. Thundermunch? Yeah, you're onto our evil scheme.
Dr.V: Truly, your great genius has curtailed our cowardly capers!
Vandal: Ja, ve are really standink in der middle uff Gemini park right now, over in Galaxy city.
CK: Yep, but we're in disguise, ha-ha!
Dr.V: We currently are maintaining the appearance of several different superheroes!
Vandal: Und ja, ve haff a captive!
VdV: EEeeeek, help!
VdV: Was that okay? ::Giggles::
CK: Shush. Anyhow, you'll never find us!
Dr.V: But wait, what if he thinks to deliver a brawny beating to each hero, he shall eventually smoke us out from our disparate disguises!
CK: Ha! He'll never think of that!
All villains on the sound stage: MUAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!
DJ: Wow.
CK: Snrk, ha, heh.... thanks, man, I needed that. Alright....
DJ: Beautiful! Next caller?
[ QUOTE ]
Hey, this is HEROID. I gotta bone t' pick with Doc Vahz...
Now, I don't blame ya fer buyin' my body from Crey... It wuz a fine body, if I do say so myself.
Nah, the problem I got with you pal, is yer pukin' zombies...
Do ya know how many times I've had t' get a new paint job because I didn't make it t' th' carwash in time? That crap eats right through the clear coat. I swear, I'm gonna start sendin' ya th' bill if ya don't do somethin'.
An' one more thing...
If I ever hear one more o' yer mortificaters say it's th' Paragon Pizza that's makin' em puke...
[/ QUOTE ]
DJ: Tough ones for the Doc! Whatcha got to say, sir?
Dr.V: Ah, I am quite apologetic to hear that my creations have caused you damage, and a hefty cleaning bill.
Dr.V: Perhaps if you were CEASE YOUR PUGILISTIC WAYS against them, and LET THEM CONTINUE THEIR TASKS UNMOLESTED, you might encounter less of a dilemma?
Dr.V: Just a suggestion... Oh, and Paragon Pizza is frankly, revolting. Since finding remnants of Jimmy Hoffa in one particular pie, I have ceased my patronization of said establishment.
DJ: Uh, the views represented in the show, yadda yadda, no way reflect... okay, next caller!
[ QUOTE ]
"Hey, Jack, this is Back Yard Boom, the kid who's gonna replace Back Alley Brawler once he hangs up the cyberarms. I gotta question fer Vandal. As ya might remember, my group the Young Phalanx stomped ya pretty good last night on Bastion's behalf. Nice guy fer a robot, ain't he? Anyways, I gotta know this. We went ta the same frickin' "secret entrance" three times ta invade yer base. Each time, it had a different layout. I gotta know what kinda tech yer usin' ta make yer lair unique each time I bust my way through it. Oh, an' the kids from Galaxy City Elementary School really loved the exhibit I made outta Warcry parts ta show 'em how electronic circuits work. The internal LEDs on yer primary an' secondary control boards do great fer gettin' peoples' attention.
An' who's this Vahzilok guy again, Jack? I never bothered fightin' him. I mean, ya'd think if I got ta Security Level 30 I'd have fought him a few times. Eh, back ta class, I guess. GO BLACKROBES! ST. IGNATIUS COLLEGE PREP RULES!"
[/ QUOTE ]
Vandal: Oh, ja, I remember you! Remind me to send Bastion der dead fish in der mail sometime...
Vandal: Vell, to answer your qvestion, you attacked der base during der veek vhere "Trading Spaces" vas in town, unt ve vere giffen der opportunity to haff two different brigades redocrate each others vorkspaces!
Vandal: Then you showed up. Now der episode may never air, due to scenes uff violence und defenestration! Danke, you jerk...
Dr.V: Ah, and I am not overly offended that my name is unknown to you. I am only one physician after all, and you are probably a proponent of an HMO plan. If you should ever partake of more prosperous insurance, then you shall meet with me soon enough..
DJ: Ow... Next caller?
[ QUOTE ]
"Hey. This is the Red Hand here, got one question and somethin' to tell the Doc there.
First off... I gotta know, since you mentioned the archvillain's union earlier. Is Azuria a member? I mean, everything I bring back to MAGI always ends up in villain hands, like, five minutes after, so I gotta ask.
Second... Doc. While I don't deal with your zombie-<bleeps> anymore, mostly I've been dealing with the Nems, that zombie vomit? It's hell on the leather. My outstanding cleaning bill is currently standing at six thousand, three hundred and twenty-eight dollars due to them. Do you have any idea how I'm going to pay for that? This isn't a paying job! And I'm not the only one!
Fortunately, I do. See, heroes and lawyers might be opposites... but my cousin -is- a lawyer. We're filing a class action laundry bill lawsuit against you on behalf of the heroes of Paragon City. See you in court, Doc, I hope that practice of yours picks up..."
[/ QUOTE ]
DJ: Good question, I've wondered that myself... what's the scoop on Miss A-zuria?
CK: Who?
Vandal: Mmm... nope, no clue.
Dr.V: That particular appellation fails to percolate any percussion instruments.
VdV: Oh, HER!
CK: You know this lady?
VdV: Yes. I loaned her my second-best chemise, and she never gave it back!
CK: Oh you know her? She must be a villain, then.
VdV: What? Oh no, she's not in the business. We're just in the same reading circle. We've had some great discussions about Silver Ravenwolf's work!
CK: Yeah, that's three nouns that tells me that lady's no one I need to know.
DJ: Harsh! Doc, howabout that lawsuit coming your way?
Dr.V: Truly, I might exhibit a little more trepidation, had not my opponent GAINED HIS CLEANING BILLS from ATTACKING MY CREATIONS, AND FORCING THEM TO DEFEND THEMSELVES!
CK: Look, people, it's not rocket science. You don't wanna clean off the barf, don't go after his minions! Sheesh...
CK: ....Whole CITY full of villains, it's not like they don't have other targets...
DJ: Man's got a point! Next caller?
[ QUOTE ]
Hi. This is Techno-Paladin, from the Do-Gooders.
To Vandal: First off, being a robotics expert myself, I'd like to say I admire your work. While I have yet to meet a mech man or Wolfpack (or whatever you call them now) that my cybernetic armor couldn't defeat, I'll admit that, for mass-produced machines, they're quite impressive. So is your personnal gear, as I've witnessed first-hand (not sure if you remember that - that was months ago).
However, I have one serious issue I'd like to complain about: Shortly after the task force I was on arrested you (escape for now, fine...One of those days I'll hire a lawyer to be my sidekick), I encountered some robots of yours that had gone rogue, taken over their base, and weere trying to exterminate mankind (which includes you, I'd like to point out). I know programming these things not to rebel can be difficult (I had a lot of trial-and-error back in college until my AIs didn't consider me expendable), but, considering the risks, I do believe you ought to be just a tad more careful than that Zoria moron was with Oranbega! Just because you're evil, it's no excuse to be IRRESPONSIBLE!
To the Clockwork King: Nice self-replicating designs you've come up with - I've always found Von Neuman machines fascinating (I've told many teammates not to underestimate the Clockwork). A question, though: Where did you get those psychic powers? It must take immense energy to keep those thousands of machines running...
Oh, and Synapse said to say hi. Heheheh.
To Dr Vahzilok: First, let me say that I admire your dedication to a vaguely noble goal...Too many people are quick to associate "the ends justify the means" with "evil with no redeeming values". However, considering our society, as is, wouldn't be able to sustain the demographic explosion that would result from overcoming death, don't you think you might be killing the very people you've sworn, by your hippocratic oath to protect, FOR NOTHING?
Just a thought.
To Miss DeVorre: Remember that guy you had kidnapped? The one you killed moments before I got there? Well, there's no need to worry that I might be upset about it. Nope, none at all.
And when I'm done taking appart that Carnival of yours, I'm force-feeding you your own mask. Just so you know.
[/ QUOTE ]
Vandal: Vhy, danke! Ja, I remember you, alvays a pleasure to try out der newest designs against a fellow mechanician! But as to your complaints about der rogue robots.... Honestly, I do not care.
CK: One of the POINTS of being a supervillain, is that you don't care about the consequences!
Vandal: Ja, und I know dat if anything I create goes HORRIBLY wrong, then I can sit back und let der heroes take care uff it! Plus, it keeps them busy, und avay from my schemes for a vhile.
Vandal: So, in response to your reqvest.... NEIN! MUHAHAHAHAHA!
CK: Yeah, well, you can tell Synapse to go <BLEEP>, with a <BLEEP><BLEEP> gerbil. But thanks for recognizing my vast power, scary innit?
CK: As to my powers, I was just kinda born with'em, I guess. Had'em as far back as I can remember... Wish I had a better answer for you, but hey. I'm more of a live-in-the-present type, then one to dwell on the past.
Dr.V: Yes, my turn. My sincere thanks for your kind words of recognition, truly you show exemplary taste! Thus, I shall reveal the second part of my plan! After I conquer death, and rise to the prestigious post of surgeon general, I shall make birth control mandatory worldwide! Thus, the population will stabilize, and the quality of life shall improve overall.
CK: ......
Dr.V: You have a somewhat pensive look on your face-analog.
CK: Uh, Doc, I don't think the Surgeon general can do that. And a lot of big religions don't like birth control.
Dr.V: Bah, once I have attained the post of surgeon general, I shall command the armies to spread forth and conquer the countries of those that hold to such foolish faiths! Such will be the command of General Vazhilok!
Vandal: Ja, see.... Der post actually has no military value, or authority to command der armed forces.
CK: And honestly, Dubya Bush is kind of ahead of you with the whole "Go Forth and Conquer" thing. Though he hasn't declared war on the Catholics yet...
Vandal: Bah, it is only a matter uff time. Der new pope vill declare the Jedi outcast, und turn Anakin to der dark side. Bush vill HAFF to declare var, to preserf der Republic!
CK: Dude, you're mixing reality with a certain movie..
Vandal: Nein, I don't think so. Haff you seen a picture uff der new pope? If dat's not Palpatine, I'll eat mein jackboots!
Dr.V: Hm, so the post of Surgeon General shall not suffice. Somewhat of a setback. Well, I shall merely have to change my aspirations from surgeon general to president!
DJ: You heard it here first, folks!
Dr.V: Indeed! Vote Vazhilok in the next election! I shall be the Health Care candidate! And I have quite a few ideas for the reform of social security...
DJ: Uh, before we get too far off tangent, the caller had a statement for Miss Devore?
VdV: Hm? Oh, him. Yes, we tried to play with that nice man you mentioned, but he broke. Too bad!
VdV: AnD IF yOU CoMe foR Me I'Ll SwALLoW YOur SoUL!
CK: .........
Dr.V: ........
Vandal: .......
VdV: What?
DJ: Right, I'll just go to my happy place now. Next caller?
[ QUOTE ]
"Heeyyyy there Jack! It's me, Durango! You're sounding good man, and I'm looking forward to another shot contest at the PDP. *laughs* Aannnnd of course, my question is music related! So, bad gu- oh sorry... reverse-intentioned heroes... What are your theme songs? And CK, I gotta thank you for letting your Cogs pick which stations they play from those radio parts they stick on themselves sometimes. No offense, Jack, but sometimes I hear the Cape just before I blow th-.. er.. reverse engineer them, and it makes me smile. Catch y'all later! *laughs*"
[/ QUOTE ]
DJ: YEah, old Outcast Jack doesn't know villains, but he knows music! What about it, guys? Theme songs?
CK: Clocks, by Coldplay. Either that or "Let's go all the way" by Sly Fox. It's got that techno backbeat, and RHYTHM!
CK: I'm ALL ABOUT rhythm....
Dr.V: I rather like Beethoven. And Mozart, for those tense moments... Pachelbel's canon for those peaceful times...
Vandal: Vagner. Nothin' but Vagner. Although recently, I haff found Rammstein to be a pleasureable alternative...
VdV: I like the music I hear in my head, ALL THE TIME.
VdV: Sometimes it tells me to burn things.
DJ: Good question, thanks Durango! Next caller?
(La Pucelle)
Hello. Yes. Thank you. I'd like to take this moment to thank you all, villians. Thank you for making us stronger. Faster. Better heroes.
I'd like to thank you for every minion we defeat, every scheme we foil. Because the heroes will be needed. The dark times are coming. And you will be all but forgotten as a result, but the heroes you have polished will be there to carry the burden.
Thank you for helping, in your own special ways, to save the world when it needs it most.
Oh. And sleep well. I'll be seeing you all shortly. Ms. DeVore... I believe we will dance first. Dream of me.
PERC Supporter
La Pucelle (BS/SR)
Miseria Bella (Sonic/Dark)
Wrangler Annie (SS/Elec)
Coldsmoke (Ice/Dark)
Saber Maid (BS/Regen)
and others...
Youko: Huh? Hey! I actually got through! :
rops the phone and scrambles for it:: Right, I'm Youko and I've got a few questions for you guys.
Youko: The first one is for Dr. Vahzilok and the Clockwork King. How did you two meet? You seem to be good buddies.
Youko: Oh, and Dr. Vahzilok, that's really low hiding in the sewers. Those places are murder on us canine's noses, not to even mention your cadavers and abominations.
Youko: Second one is for Vanessa. Don't you have any scraps of dignity or modesty, dressing the way you do? Oh, and that mask is nice looking, too bad it's cursed. Don't you miss your old life?
Youko: Well, that's everyth-- Oh, wait! Vandal's there, isn't he?! ::Begins shouting:: Vandal you accursed 5th Column fascist N***! I'll make you pay! There's nowhere you can hide! That disgraceful excuse for a villain group, the Council, certainly won't be able to protect you!!!
Youko: ::Calms down:: Anyway... Um... Well, I hate to congratulate you guys, but you've really done good for yourselves so far, and that's to be commended. Except you, Vandal! Well, I'll see you guys around and introduce you to my foot, re-introduce in some cases!
My deviantART gallery and commission info.
"What?! What "Hmmm?" Those are not "Hmmm" odds!" - Zeke, CAD
"Not only will a loss seal your fate, but also the fate of the one you are protecting as well." � Himura Kenshin, Rurouni Kenshin
[ QUOTE ]
Yeah, this is Small Arms, and all I've got to say is directed to the Clockwork King..
*clears throat*
WILL YOU PLEASE TELL THAT WALKING SCRAP PILE BABBAGE TO STOP, I REPEAT, STOP LOOKING IN MY WAREHOUSE WHILE I'M WORKING MY 'MONSTER GARAGE' FAN ENTRY'?
*clears throat again*
Look, King, that...son of yours keeps playin' Peepin' Tom when I'm in my warehouse in Skyway. I mention once while teamed up fightin' him that I'm workin' on my 'girl' at the garage. Heck, it was because we had an easy enough time takin' 'Junior' down for a spankin', so I was shootin' the breeeze with some of the team.
Now, every night I find his ugly mug hoverin' over the upper windows with this puppy dog look in his eyes...sensors...whatever. I swear, he keeps lookin' at the truck I've been workin' on like it was some kind of long-lost love.
I've managed to shoo him away several times now, but so help me Di Vinci, if that boy of yours doesn't stay away from my girl, I'm gonna shoot first and not bother askin' questions later.
*silence on the end for several moments*
Better yet, I'll take him out, and use the spare parts for my truck. Heh. How would you like that, King? Your boy bein' turned into a girl? The macho Clock King suddenly finds his 'son' is now a daughter. And without goin' to Sweden.
Oh, and while we're at it, if any of you see Countess Crey, tell that *censored* that Armstrong Armaments is NOT for sale, no matter how many times she tries to get on the Board of Directors. I might be a grease monkey, but I'm a grease monkey with a business Masters from Harvard.
Any way, look forward to kickin' yer keisters again in the future.
[/ QUOTE ]
CK: What? Oh Geeze....
Dr.V: What seems to be the matter, my ferrous friend?
CK: Babbage told me he was seeing a girl who lived over in Skyway, I'm betting this is what he meant.
Vandal: Oh-oh.
CK: Yeah. Hey, Small Arms? Sorry about this, you know how kids can be sometimes. I'll set down and have a talk with the boy....
CK: Oh, and I'll pass your words along to the Countess, next time I see her. You sure you don't want to sell? You won't even notice the snipers after the first week...
DJ: Thanks, next caller?
[ QUOTE ]
(La Pucelle)
Hello. Yes. Thank you. I'd like to take this moment to thank you all, villians. Thank you for making us stronger. Faster. Better heroes.
I'd like to thank you for every minion we defeat, every scheme we foil. Because the heroes will be needed. The dark times are coming. And you will be all but forgotten as a result, but the heroes you have polished will be there to carry the burden.
Thank you for helping, in your own special ways, to save the world when it needs it most.
Oh. And sleep well. I'll be seeing you all shortly. Ms. DeVore... I believe we will dance first. Dream of me.
[/ QUOTE ]
CK: Oh hey, you're welcome...
Dr.V: Truly, it is a pleasure to recieve recognition for the rather thankless task we often perform.
Vandal: Ja, after all... Some uff our best subordinates und villainous leaders vere vonce heroes! Truly, der street runs both vays.
CK: I don't know about the rest of your little speech, so I'll ignore it. But thanks for the basic gist of it!
VdV: I dream of fire, I dream of pain. I dream of smoke and black acidy rain. I dream of madness, I dream of tears. I dream of eternity's veil, over the years. I dream of Heaven, and I dream of Hell.
VdV: And I do not dream YOU, La Pucelle.
CK: ..........
Dr.V: Is... this venemous vixen like this often?
CK: Doc, you have NO idea.
DJ: ............Scary.........
DJ: Ah, next caller?
[ QUOTE ]
Youko: Huh? Hey! I actually got through! :rops the phone and scrambles for it:: Right, I'm Youko and I've got a few questions for you guys.
Youko: The first one is for Dr. Vahzilok and the Clockwork King. How did you two meet? You seem to be good buddies.
Youko: Oh, and Dr. Vahzilok, that's really low hiding in the sewers. Those places are murder on us canine's noses, not to even mention your cadavers and abominations.
Youko: Second one is for Vanessa. Don't you have any scraps of dignity or modesty, dressing the way you do? Oh, and that mask is nice looking, too bad it's cursed. Don't you miss your old life?
Youko: Well, that's everyth-- Oh, wait! Vandal's there, isn't he?! ::Begins shouting:: Vandal you accursed 5th Column fascist N***! I'll make you pay! There's nowhere you can hide! That disgraceful excuse for a villain group, the Council, certainly won't be able to protect you!!!
Youko: ::Calms down:: Anyway... Um... Well, I hate to congratulate you guys, but you've really done good for yourselves so far, and that's to be commended. Except you, Vandal! Well, I'll see you guys around and introduce you to my foot, re-introduce in some cases!
[/ QUOTE ]
Vandal: ............
Vandal: I need to take a valk to calm down. I'll be back.
::Sounds of heavy armor clunking.::
DJ: Whoa. Uh, everyone else?
CK: Oh, this one's easy! Doc and I met back in band camp. We hung out, figured out that we had a lot of the same hobbies and perspectives...
Dr.V: Truly, when one declares a desire and intent to reshape the world despite people, economic and socio-political trends, and needlessly conservative rules and regulations in our way, one finds the rare individual that can emphasize with such a radical viewpoint a friend worth having indeed!
CK: Yeah, we've been friends for a while! Despite the occasional attempts to kill each other y'know, that's all business.
Dr.V: Truly, and we have fulfilled our union quota of that, usually utilizing other villainous groups as targets. Fairly easy to accomplish in this particular locale...
CK: It helps a lot, that our goals don't draw on the same resources. The Doc's all about flesh, and me, well, all I need's metal to do my thing...
Dr.V: And for your second question, Youko, I happen to like the sewers. With the appropriate utilization of a surgical mask as a makeshift pomander, the... rough... parts of the sewer fade into insignificance. And when using a part of the sewer long-term, various effluent rivers can be redirected, and certain channels can be filled with pine-scented air freshener. Surprisingly strong!
Dr.V: And if THAT fails, then there is always the miracle material known as Febreeze. THAT does the trick!
DJ: Febreeze, is there nothing it can't de-stink? Allright, and one for Miss De Vore!
VdV: Dignity and modesty are for LITTLE people. I do what I want!
VdV: Old life? Whatever are you talking about? help me. I've ALWAYS been like this, brilliant and flashy and spiky..... i'm still in here. No, I never look to the past, dahling, it only holds me back....
VdV: i'm endlessly screaming on the inside.
VdV: It's not a curse dear, it's FREEDOM!
DJ: Uh... yeah. Next caller?
DJ: Looks like we're clear for now... just as well, that's all the time we have for the main call-in portion of our show. When we come back from commercial, we'll have a special treat for you all!
DJ: Yep, we'll have a live satellite feed from the one and only producer and director of ARCHVILLAINS, the American Flagg!
CK: YES!
Dr.V: FINALLY!
CK: Soon now, soon we'll have our chance....
VdV: Hm? What are you......... Je suis non!
CK: Huh?
VdV: Non, non! Parlais voux? ::Sings::
VdV: There was a time when men were kind...
CK: What the hell?
VdV: And the world was a song. And the song was exciting...
Dr.V: Ah, Fantine. From the first act of Les Miserables.
DJ: Uh, right. Cut to commercial...
DJ: YOOOWWWW!!!! Welcome back to W-URX, the WORKS! This is Outcast Jack, and we've got one last treat for all you listeners in points Paragon and beyond!
DJ: So far, we've had call-in sessions for four of Paragon City's most villainous! And Coyote. I'd like to stop and give a big THANK YOU to all of them, since the studio's still mostly intact and my precious bodily organs haven't been stripped from me like berries on the vine!
Dr.V: Ah, my extreme gratitude for the reminder...
DJ: Haha! Thank you Doctor Vazhilok for your time sir, and I really hope you're kidding.
Dr.V: My pleasure, my honest host and no. I am not kidding.
DJ: ......Ulp. Ah, thanks also to the Sultan of Ticking, the Monarch of Tocking, the brass behemoth that is-
CK: Yeah, whatever.
DJ: ah, yeah, uh... Oh, thanks to the master inventor and Council Rep, Vandal!
Vandal: Vell, it vasn't as bad as I'd thought it vould be.
DJ: Faint praise makes Jack happy! And speaking of happy, many thanks to the delerious, delicious Vanessa De Vore!
VdV: There is a castle on a cloud, I like to go there in my sleep...
DJ: Huh?
CK: More from Les Miserables?
Dr.V: Affirmative. She is up to Cosette's first musical number....
DJ: Ah, okay. Oh yeah, and thanks Coyote!
Coyote: My pleasure, Jack! Since that mineshaft fell on me I've had nothing better to do, being laid up in casts and all.... But remember, for all your heroing needs, Team NOOB is there! That's 1-800...
DJ: Yeah.... well, for all you listeners out there today, we have a SPECIAL treat! The negotiations took weeks, and the security took days, but finally we're bringing you live, via satellite feed, the producer and director of the Fanny-award winning ARCHVILLAINS! The American Flagg!
DJ: Now just let old Jack tap into the feed, and let's hear what we can hear...
::Static, fading to the old, tinny notes of the US national anthem, turning finally to a voice::
AF: Thanks Jack, it's good to be here.
DJ: Yeah!
CK: At last!
Dr.V: Finally, vengeance shall be ours!
DJ: Uh, what? Look, could you keep it down and let the guy talk?
AF: ...........
AF: I've got one or two things to say, and then I've got a VERY special message for the Archvillains in your studio right now. Please bear with me.
AF: A bit of explanation, first. I was lucky enough to stumble upon some surveillance footage of Doctor Vazhilok and the Clockwork King. This is the footage that most of Paragon City now knows as the first six ARCHVILLAINS episodes. Collectively known as bridge night. The idea then came to me: Why not continue the same format? Record the supervillains of Paragon City when they're not being villainous, and set it up as television's newest reality show?
Dr.V: You malevolent miscreant! I'll extract your internal organs in alphabetical or-
AF: Let. Me. Speak.
Dr.V: ::Settles down, muttering.::
AF: And so, I did. Naturally they found out about my gross invasion of their privacy, but by then I had enough footage that I could blackmail them into ignoring the cameras, when they noticed them.
CK: Frickin' lousy BIG BROTHER-esque Orwell junkie....
AF: Much of that footage remains unaired, and will continue to be so unless one of my "Actors" decides to off me. I'm never far from the blackmail stash, and I guarantee you I can get it to someone who can use it if I see trouble coming.
Vandal: Heh! Ve shall see.....
AF: Now, honestly, blackmail is wrong. Invasion of privacy is wrong. So why then am I doing this? Simple...
AF: When you laugh at something, it's harder to be afraid of it.
Vandal: ::Sighs:: Verdammte.
AF: These are bad, bad people, who do bad things. They have awe-inspiring powers, and dark goals that would mean significant negative changes to the world should they succeed. Sometimes it's hard to go up agains them, knowing that.
AF: This is my way of showing the world that frankly, they're all human, with human weaknesses and human problems. Sure, they've been changed and changed themselves in various ways, but at the core of it, everyone in ARCHVILLAINS is human.
AF: And if you go in knowing that, you can fight them, and win.
AF: Thanks for letting me say this on the air, John.
DJ: Ah, dude, I'm Jack. John called in sick tonight, and I'm going to kick his butt for that...
AF: Now, this next message is for the Archvillains....
CK: Nope! Hit it, boys!
::A loud hum comes over the signal::
Dr.V: You fool! Why did you believe that we would subject ourselves to this indignity, without an ulterior motive?
Vandal: You haff fallen into our trap, Herr Flagg!
CK: Right now, I've got a bunch of my best cogs up on the roof, tracing your signal back!
Dr.V: And my social engineering skills provided an "Inside Man" on the security team that set up your sinister signal! We know how to bypass your security precautions!
CK: And track you right down to your current location... This is where Vandal comes in!
Vandal: Ve shall haff a lock on you in seconds! Und zen, I push der button that fires der REALLY BIG missile on your location!
CK: And we even brought in Vanessa De Vore, to hold you frozen in place with her mental power while we blast you into bits!
VdV: Master of the house, Doling out the charm, Ready with a handshake, And an open palm....
CK: Dammit. Well, no matter. We'll just use a bigger bomb to make sure!
Vandal: Done und done! Mein minions, fire der missile!
CK: So, do you have anything to say, anything at all before the bomb comes down and you blow up, you miserable Paparazzi scum?
AF: ...........
AF: All right, that should be enough time. Yes, thank you whichever one of you said that, I DO have something to say before you lower your deathtrap.
CK: Hm? Odd way to put it...
AF: Frankly, you don't work with a group of people in such detail without learning a bit about them. Or in this case, a lot about them. You've been oddly quiet and receptive to the idea of a public appearance when I brought it up. That means you've been up to something.
CK: Get on with it...
AF: It's probably a plot to kill me. About that, sorry. I figure you're going to try to isolate my signal, and plan some remote menace.
Dr.V: This is a rather disturbing line of reasoning....
AF: So, to that end I pre-recorded this little speech. Sorry John, I'm not really live.
DJ: Dude, what a gyp. But hey, no prob...
CK: QUIET! Vandal, recall the missile.
Vandal: Er.... I cannot. Failsafes, you unterstand...
AF: No, right about now, this recording is playing into a radio transmitter that I borrowed from the Council. It's a heavy duty one, so I couldn't move it. So, if you check closely you'll find that the signal is coming from a certain volcano in Striga Isle.
Vandal: ...........
Vandal: VHAT!!!!!????
AF: Oh, and one last thing, but not to you. I'd like to thank everyone who checked out and enjoyed ARCHVILLAINS, it would never have gotten as far or as disturbing as it has, without all of you!
AF: You inspire me, and for that I can never thank you enough.
AF: ............
AF: Oh, and the big pile of money that I got from the merchandising rights and spinoffs is nice, too.
:istant boom echoes out of the radio, and American Flagg's signal cuts off::
CK: Damn.
Dr.V: A pity. Well, let us begone, my kinetic-impelled compatriot.
Vandal: ::Sobs::
CK: Oh, settle down. You can at least take revenge on the DJ.
Vandal: No I can't. He ran off vhile I vas contemplating der abyss.
Dr.V: Ah, not entirely an imperceptive individual. Well, he gets to live, then.
CK: What a wash. Well, I might as well have my say before we leave.
CK: *AHem* Citizens of Paragon City...
CK: STOP WATCHING ME!
CK: My private life is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! You are all VOYEURS, with no shred of human decency!
CK: This... this constant watching... never knowing what will turn up on this stupid show....
CK: Look. Just... just go watch Survivor, okay? Or that Trump guy! Or CSI, or something educational!
CK: ..........
Dr.V: Plebians. Well, are you finished? I quite hope you feel better.
CK: ::Sighs:: Yeah. Okay, let's blow this joint.
::And the signal fades into static, the words THE END appearing after a second::
Two of the saddest words I know..."The End".
*A man with a very slick, rapid-fire way of saying things calls in.*
Yeah, hey. My name's Jonny Sureshot, the hottest new hero on the scene, and I've got a question for, well, everyone; do you guys do any product endorsements, and if so could you give me some information on how to start shilling for stuff? I think there's a real untested market for product placement that I really would like to get into, y'dig? So, do you just, like, say the product's name on air and then they send you money, or... well, you know.
Oh, actually, and a seperate question for Clockwork Orange; when you get really bored do you take household appliances and make them dance? Because that's TOTALLY what I'd do.
American Ace, the bane of DJ Templar's existence.