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You say the global is Paragon One ?
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Although it seems that someone went and created the global called Envisionaries. I kind of dread having everyone leaving the global I created for this community and heading over to the new one. At the same time I guess what happens will happen.
I've still managed to get enough time in on Personamorphess to level her to 16, but it seems I'm falling behind. Between my regular team nights, my many alts and various other things (and this isn't even taking into account my real life) I'm sort of stretched thin.
I'm also trying to get my website up and running (and I haven't even contacted my ISP yet to get the domain names transfered), get back into my art and writing, design fonts (several of which may actually require me to get a CAD program for the precision I require for a few of my font ideas), copy and organize my notes and persue my other creative activities.
Then there's going to be finding work to make some extra money (if I'm even ready to go back to work again, and right now my anxiety levels say otherwise). I also have to clean my apartment. I'm not very messy, but I tend not to clean up after myself too well when I get stressed out and end up sticking to low energy activities.
Maybe if I can find a good mix of healthy and affordable foods this next shopping trip I might have more energy. Being on a fixed income makes everything that much harder. It's probably not all that hard too do either, all of this stuff, but I end up being so tired a lot of the time it just makes it that much harder to face myself down and get things moving.
When I was younger I learned a lot of behaviors that at the time kept me safe, but now are just getting in the way and aren't of any use in a normal and healthy environment. I'm my own worst enemy and I know it. I kind of wish I hadn't learned all these behaviors, but back then I didn't know any better. Now I do and I realize that I have to make the changes or face a future of a slow and painful self-destuction.
I guess while I'm at it I should really thank the developers at Cryptic for creating this game. It's because of it I was given a small outlet for my creativity that for so long I've been unable to express. It's inspired me to continue being creative and to work past these obstacles that have been set in my path rather than give up. Also, because of it I was able to meet many of the talented people here in these forums.
I'd love for some day to be able to give back to Cryptic and this community in some way. I'd love to become more involved with this game and this community. More than just a player. More than just some guy in the forums who crumbles under the flood of flamewars and complaints when all he wants to do is find the next interesting tidbit of information or interact with the community. I still feel like the majority of the community views me as an annoying gnat who spews nothing but gibberish or whitenoise.
It frustrates me when I want to do so much more than I have, and in the end I give in and go back to bed because I'd rather sleep and dream than face the waking world (even when my dreams are nightmares).
My allergies make me tired. My Seasonal Affective Disorder makes me tired. Not getting enough nutrition because my body doesn't digest things right makes me tired. Stress makes me tired. Body aches and pains make me tired. A bad shoulder that goes out often creates a lot of tension headaches that make me tired. Stress gives me headaches. Stress makes the tension worse. Stress makes my digestion worse. Talking about how tired I get probaly makes me tired (psychsomatics). It's like I'm trapped in a web of chaos, spiraling downward in a cycle I don't know how to break.
I know I'll get out of this eventually. I only have to look at the path behind me and see how far I've come. I guess I should thank those here who've helped lift my spirits on days when I've needed it, and give me words of motivation and encouragement and help keep my dreams alive.
