30 Ways to Simulate being in the Longbow when you're at Home
By
Azure Lightstar,
Posted on: 2010-12-11 16:22 in Guardian
The only way to simulate being a member of Longbow is to become a terrorist.
Oh wait. Terrorists are better than Longbow. My bad.
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Biggest Troll on the forums? I'll give you a hint:
Eh, Longbow is only mildly better than Vanguard in my eyes.
Half cup spoons? Those are huge.
Hilarious!
Scary though, how much it reminds me of college dorms.
*shivers*
As you know, the Longbow defend the coasts and borders of Paragon City from all comers -- as well as providing transport for an occasional emergency visit to the Rogue Isles!
Tears of laughter, that is!
A friend shared this "30 ways to simulate being in the Navy when you're at home" with me and I couldn't help but think that the Longbow on their patrol vessels would sympathize!
Read it and weep, my Guardian buddies!
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1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbors have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.
2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like; people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill, and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.
3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbor bring you a newspaper from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events.
4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (i.e.; plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc.)
5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.
6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period.
7. Wear only military uniforms, even though nobody cares. Clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.
8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.
9. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night.
10. Listen to your favorite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favorite CD.
11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.
12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watch standers and night crew bump around and wake you up. Place you bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave rock band.
13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.
14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.
15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire! fire! fire!" and then restore power.
16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate a black water system boo-boo.
17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the face shield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in the bathroom.
18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.
19. Remove all plant, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.
20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.
21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained on board Navy ships.
22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for five days, or until it is hard and stale.
23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cab driver after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.
24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin blanket for warmth.
26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from -2 to 95 deg C.
27. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.
28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not.
29. Remind yourself every day: 'it's not just a job, it's an adventure'
30. Mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate the desalination plant on the ship picking up jet fuel in the intake -- if a lit match thrown into your coffee pot doesn't ignite it, add more kerosene.