Cowboy jokes for Viv.

A tough old cowboy told his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103. When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grand-children, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

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Prior to her trip to Texas, Virginia had confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip the Lone Star State. She had wanted to taste some real Texas Bar B Que, take in a bonafide Texas Rodeo and "ride" a Texan.

Upon her return, her sorority mates were curious as to how she fared. "Let me tell you, Buffy," she confided, "they have an indigenous bush down there called Mesquite - and when they slow cook that brisket over that mesquite wood, DAMN!!! That beef not only melts in your mouth, the taste is beyond belief!"

"And the men? I went to a real rodeo...Talk about athletes! These guys wrestle real full-grown bulls like in Spain! Except they ride a horse at full gallop, throw a rope on these huge bulls, then jump off the horse and literally grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground, and tie'em up...and that's not all! Its a race!! They ALL do it and only the fastest gets prize money!"

"Virginia! Come on, tell us!!! You said you wanted to "ride" a Texan! What the hell happened?"

"Well," Virginia admitted, "I'll admit, I was tempted, but when I was at the rodeo and I saw the outline of the condoms in the back pocket of those Texan's jeans, I CHANGED MY MIND!"

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An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy. How about you?"

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

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A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch. He figures he'll have a little fun...
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?" Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' alright." Indian: extreme look of shock
Cowboy: " Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at Indian. Dog: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Indian: look of disbelief.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Indian: extreme look of shock
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian. Horse: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Indian: total look of amazement
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep Lie."

*snickers in appreciation* Good stuff, Kobolt.

I didn't get the second one.

(Nice to see that avatar back, Viv )

Ha, that first one is hilarious... snuck in there quite well at the end.

One Sunday, a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."

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I think the political correctness is getting ridiculous. Today I overheard a little boy say he was going to go play a game of Cattle Management Specialists and Native Americans.

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The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."

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Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."

"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"

I still don't get it, Viv. Is it supposed to suggest that it's too old? If so, it's not very funny...

HOLY CRAP Viv is still on Vic too? DANG! I've been gone a while but it's nice to sometimes come home and see the same ol' trusty fixtures.

And before ya freak I'm not callin ya old LOL

Does Aquabladez still hand out in AP under atlas all day

You may remember me as SynSynatti.... or maybe not It was a looong time ago.

Welcome back, Angie!

Quote:

Originally Posted by AngieB Does Aquabladez still hand out in AP under atlas all day

Don't think Aquabladez is around anymore, it's been months since I've seen him hanging out (but the ski slopes may drag him out of his hidey hole come December...).

Oh ok - thanks for the explanation.

Nice to think that I can still be clueless about some things - and keep your thoughts to yourself, Voo

It took some work, but I had managed to drag Aqua out of AP and thru the mission doors for a while anyways. After a good couple months of mindless playing, he returned to his normal /e walllean ways.

okay those made me laugh good jokes