A mercenary is never paid enough.......
By
Abbzy,
Posted on: 2008-09-27 14:37 in Multi-Media Fan Creations
50 plus views, and no replies?...it must be bad, was thinking of writing more but be good to get feedback on whether this is want people want or not.
seriously i dont mind....any criticism is welcome.
Art of War Co-Leader - Union *Global@Warscythe*
"The box said Windows Vista or better - so I installed Linux"
Definitely building towards a great story mate - easy to get into, easy to read, and I NEED to know what was in those trees 
Keep it going bud 
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50 plus views, and no replies?
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Only just noticed it, sorry. I'll take a proper look shortly, I'm still trying to get my head into Sunday.
I warn you, I get wound up by obvious mistakes and stuff, so you might not want me reading it if it's 'unedited.' However, the big red guy seems quite interesting so I'll take a peek and try to curb my baser instincts... when I'm awake.
PS. I was well over 45 views on a plot piece over on the RP forum before anyone replied, and my Nitoichi story is at 64 views and no replied, so don't take it too hard.
Disclaimer: The above may be humerous, or at least may be an attempt at humour. Try reading it that way.
Posts are OOC unless noted to be IC, or in an IC thread.
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50 plus views, and no replies?...
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happens all the time - the creative forum seems dead to any feedback at the moment, don't take it personally
i'm enjoying the start to your story, and look forward to it continuing
@Doctor Destiny
...from the Ryman League of posters
http://drdestiny.deviantart.com/
blog-thing
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50 plus views, and no replies?...
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happens all the time - the creative forum seems dead to any feedback at the moment, don't take it personally
i'm enjoying the start to your story, and look forward to it continuing
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cheers for the comments, but tbh i wasnt actually fishing for compliments with the "no replies" line was more along the lines of expecting some criticism, without which one finds out any directions one needs to take to get the work to a better standard ..(one?...why am i talking in queenspeak?)
And to reply to raven, your comments are ones i respect bud, as you say it as you see, no personal digs just plain honesty, so yeah ill be posting further, the main reason i started it was because while writing my bio ingame a lot of the details i wanted to include had to be omitted due to the restrictions in word volume.
Ill try and get the next section up tonight.
Art of War Co-Leader - Union *Global@Warscythe*
"The box said Windows Vista or better - so I installed Linux"
I was obviously having an off day when I read the forums the other week as I missed this and another post. Sorry for the delayed feedback.
As youve said its unedited I wont comment on that side of it. Story and character wise I like it. There is nothing better than a crew with lots of tech getting surprised by something (Aliens et al) and the isolation of Eden makes for an ideal setting.
There is good background for the main character. I would be tempted to add a bit of conversation in there (maybe Dmitri just answers a request from one of the men) as this is also a great way of building up the feeling that the team think they know what they are doing and are professional (again, look at the banter in Aliens between the marines).
If you take it as an opening chapter, Id suggest doubling the size with some conversation and interaction which would leave it at a good size.
With regards to layout, I think you over use the pause created with
Its okay to use it every now and again, but, in my opinion, its generally only worth using in the middle of dialogue to represent an exaggerated pause. A countdown is a good example, such as:
Three
Two
One. Go! Michelle shouted as she started the race.
Most readers will presume there is a short pause at the end of a sentence. A shift between something a character is doing, and something they are thinking is also normally presumed to be a pause of sorts.
Hopefully all that helps a bit and do write some more. Also, PM me or shout up if youre not sure about something Ive said.
Much appreciated L, i dont mind criticism as it only helps to improve on something, regarding the pauses and layout i totally agree, upon re reading it seems a little stop/start, i know my strength lies on creativity, my composition is lacking somewhat at times but as stated it was a quick draft composed at work from an earlier idea 
With regards the lack of dialogue i wanted a narrative based upon his own experience, and a soldier with a special ops background working for a mercenary outfit i wanted to display a formal outlook with only Dmitri's thoughts as an emotional anchor.
However i do agree it may suffer from a lack of interpersonal interaction, still working on the full length story atm, RL issues intervening.
I will endeavour to post the next section up a.s.a.p with a look on editing the thing as a whole once im done.
Again thanks for the comments L they were concise and helpful.
Art of War Co-Leader - Union *Global@Warscythe*
"The box said Windows Vista or better - so I installed Linux"
I quite enjoyed reading this, and as has been mentioned above by other comments am looking forward reading a continuation, you utilise an easy to read approach while maintaining a pleasant use of vocabulary, that is often under-appreciated
In regards to replies, they come now and then, working on something myself at the moment, have around 300 views and 1 comment which yes at times can be dis-heartening, but well, thats unfortuantely how things are.
I would suggest not limiting where you post solely to these boards. Its worth considering some of the other more generic mmo fanfiction orientated websites that exist to expand your scope of feedback.
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I would suggest not limiting where you post solely to these boards. Its worth considering some of the other more generic mmo fanfiction orientated websites that exist to expand your scope of feedback.
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first of all thanks for the comments, but regarding these mmo fanfiction sites, as im not too familiar where would you suggest is a good place to start?
Art of War Co-Leader - Union *Global@Warscythe*
"The box said Windows Vista or better - so I installed Linux"
Id recommend starting with fanfiction.net.
Amongst its vast archive of varying subjects it has a COH section with some very good content aswell.
The site is also a great place to meet potential beta readers who can offer great feedback prior to posting a piece of work.
Again thanks Abz, ill check that out when i get home, currently supposed to be "working" though i do use the term very loosly
Art of War Co-Leader - Union *Global@Warscythe*
"The box said Windows Vista or better - so I installed Linux"
ok so this is to be an ongoing post into the backstory of my main rp/er Rockcrete...its unedited at the moment but i would really appreciate any comments/criticism, if it is well recieved ill post a fuller draft, please let me know what you think
....Rain hammering down in the heavy evening gloom, he spotted two of his unit moving amongst the rubble from a nearby fallen building, amazed how a man in full armoured battle gear could move so deftly and without sound training he thought to himself that and several multimillion dollars worth of tech laced onto their suits culminating in state of the art sound suppressors.... he corrected himself with a grin.
Wiping the grime from his fatigues Lt Dmitri Alexandrovic Serov stood up, a full seven ft tall and built to match, he looked more like a professional wrestler from one of those tv shows than a special ops soldier.
Recruited by the old USSR into the army at an early age, he had surpassed training regimes with flying colours and had warranted enough praise that Colonel Golovko of the Red Army's covert Spetsnaz unit had snatched him from his regular unit.
From there it was a matter of time before he had risen in ranks to command a unit of his own. Once quoted by a GRU colonel as being "the true epitomy of a russian bear, strong, bold and a fire in his eyes that would quell a mere man just by looking at him"
Ahh but those were the days Dmitri thought to himself, running "black ops" missions across the iron curtain, often into hostile territories at night with nothing but the company of hardened troops and the heavy thwump-thwump of a Mil-Hind chopper to break the silence...he had served his country well for many years, but alas not all great things last.....
Not long after the fall of the soviet empire had a relatively unknown agency contacted him as a gun for hire, as had become rife amongst the old union, with the army becoming more of a defunct standard bearer.
Dmitri, knowing little else but the life of a soldier had readily accepted, and thus began his career with the company he knew only as "malta".
And this is where it got me, crossing the pond to Paragon, known to most as the "city of heroes"...to a plant infested city block now commonly known as "eden" the name itself caused Dmitri to smile, eden....the land created by god to house his favorite creations, well if that was true then "god" was a cruel being indeed..for eden was a place where monsters dwelt and men perished.
Dmitri had been given only one dossier to read before his unit was shipped out, containing cursory images and files on a man named Hamidon Pasimila and his radical work on ecology systems. He had at some unknown date gone rogue and declared mankind a "pox on the planet" attacking paragon time again with his army of creatures known only as the Devouring Earth.
The files were vague after this point, all that was known was some cataclysmic event had occurred and Hamidon had claimed a sector of paragon for his own and renamed it "Eden", when some of paragons finest heroes were sent in to investigate ....the survivors that returned spoke of their horror, giant 20 ft monsters that appeared from the very trees and earth itself and fleeting images of an energy being of some description that dwarfed the infamous statue of talos itself. Impossible Dmitri thought nothing could be that elaborate...yes there were men who displayed feats of incredible power but this....this reads like some kind of fantasy comic.
Well he would soon find out whether these rumors were true, as was his instructions from the company "scout out eden and bring back any possible samples of Dr Pasimila's work and at any contact with any devouring earth - capture and retrieve for collection"
Dmitri was never a man to question his orders, regardless of whether they seemed futile or not he was a soldier and soldiers followed orders, unless this was more than a routine operation?...his unit was not comprised of his regular men, mostly recent drafted recruits, which to Dmitri seemed odd.... nyet... he chided himself, orders were orders, and he must think in the here and now.
It was at that moment when he was broken from his reverie by an intense flash of light followed by a loud crack...... Dmitri dove for cover as a grove of trees 100 yrds away exploded with all the primal force of a tornado ... what the! ... the hercules had fired!?..why?...looking back he saw the silent sentinel that was the Mark IV hercules pattern Titan, gun still smoking from its onslaught, its sensor array blinking in passive mode.
What had caused it to fire he wondered?... whatever it was it was gone now, no warning systems had gone off from the perimeter his men had set up, all other sensory placed gun turrets were still dormant and his engineers reported no radar contacts .....the comm chatter was now dying down but still the question remained, why had the titan fired?
Dusting himself off, Dmitri rose and started barking commands into the comm channel, ordering a tighter perimeter....tech support to investigate the hercules, scout units on both buildings aft and fore...these completed he headed over towards the destroyed clearing with a small scout party, intent on finding who, or indeed what had spooked the hercules' targeting system into firing so abruptly....
to be continued.....
Art of War Co-Leader - Union *Global@Warscythe*
"The box said Windows Vista or better - so I installed Linux"