Please provide feedback for my origin/script




Hi there, I'm making a flash movie about an origin for my character. Please let me know what you think. Here are my script/notes for the flash movie.

<<Sad Violin Music>>
<<Pictures of Keith + Jay float by>>
Narrator:Keith "KL" Murphy and James "JJ, Jay" Murphy were brothers
<<words fade except WERE>>
<<were fades away>>

<<Jays grave fades in>>
Narrator:Jay passed away young in a suspicious sudden death
<<Gave pic fades>>

<<RL Pic of Keith at Grave fades in>>
Narrator:As one man dies,
<<CoH Pic of Keith at Grade fades over prev pic>>
Narrator: a new hero is born
<<Fade to Black>>

<<Drumroll.. as chord hits show gem at grave>>
Keith: What the?
Narrator:Keith finds a lightly glowing gem next to his brother's grave.

<<new pic of Keith looking at gem up close>>
Narrator: Keith gets a closer look

Keith: Somehow, I feel drawn to this rock. Like it's magical or something.

<<Dark Energy flows around Keith>>

<<Show KL and JJ>>

Narrator:The gem Keith found is magical indeed. It serves as an astral commincator allowing Keith to speak to his spirit of deceased brother Jay telepathically. When Keith holds the gem up to his chest, Keith and the astral form of his deceased brother Jay fuse to form a short morbid-looking brute. Keith controls the body of this gruesome twosome, and Jay provides special powers.

<<Show animation or pictures of punching with negative energy>>
Narrator:Jay's primary power is channeling energy from the astral plane to the living worldadd further damage to their already crushing blows. Jay can also channel this energy to sap life out of enemies to increase their health, or stamina. Jay can even channel the energy into Keith's legs to let them travel at superhuman speeds.

<<Show animation or pictures of KL and JJ dodging and being agile>>
Narrator:Jay brings one other power to the duo. To others, these two seem to have possess a genshin or spiritual intuition about incoming danger. Since the two brothers are connected telepathically, Jay continuously informs Keith of dangerous. Sometimes they appear to be bobbing and weaving while looking straight ahead like they were just taking instructions and not actually watching the danger around them. What is actually happening is Keith is reacting to Jay's commands.

Narrator:Keith is Jay's conection to the living world. Jay is Keith's guardian angel and the source of his superpowers. While having 2 people in one body can be confusing, they've decided to shorten their combined name to their nicknames...

Narrator:Together they are, KL and JJ!


I hope some of this made sense. I'll post again when I finish. I'll either be making a webpage, movie, or flash file. Not sure which yet.

@Murphy - 10 Murf Beam/Traps Corruptor on Virtue(4 retired 50s)



Looks good, but I would change one thing. Where he says "I am drawn to this strange Gem", it sounds very forced.

As opposed to that, maybe you could add a bit of backstory. Maybe some pictures of them going spelunking and collecting cool looking rocks.

Then, after the burial, he goes home and one of the rocks is glowing.

Then he picks it up and merges with his brother.



Similar to the previous all sounds fairly forced. Try not to make things about your character known too explicitly. Superman's origin when told as "Superman is from another planet. He can fly. He is very strong". Stating the facts about the origin is more of a description.

Try instead to give information about your character by talking about how the character came to know the information himself. Like "He is invulnerable" becomes an episode whereas he's exploring his other newfound powers and expects to die when his very first mission goes awry...and he survives hurt but alive. That's a stripped down example, but it shows how you can let the audience know the hero is "invulnerable" without just saying it. This all makes learning about your hero more involving.

This format may make an episodic storytelling form the best way to explain your character. It'd be nice to see how your hero came to know so much about how his powers work, how come your regular joe becomes a hero and somehow knows his power is drawn from the astral plane?

I like you've noted how awkward it could be to have 2 people living in the same body. Weaknesses are crucial to the protagonist, can't be a hero if there's nothing to overcome(This is why many people loathe superman in favor of batman). Milk the weaknesses for all they're worth and it really helps you understand your own character and how he'd act.



Now, I happen to agree with the two posts in that one line seeming forced, however, we must understand he has a very limited time to work with from one verse to the next.

It is your story, and your script, but the consensus is that line needs to be changed. Maybe - maybe not say anything at all, except "eh?" as in, 'it got my attention...' kinda "eh?" and have the motion of him moving to pick it up - then perhaps a flash of light and his body arcs in the jolt of "wham bam, here's your brothers spirit, ma'am" fashion. Really, would you be ready for something like that? =)

my $.02

Edit: which, btw, leaves it open for an awry first mission, because the live brother will have to learn to understand his new powers, and of course, learn which powers are indeed there. How many people just know they can react as quickly, without needing to try it? AKA - Superman w/ Toby Maquire, when he realizes everythings in slow-mo to him.



Thank you everyone for your responses!

@Murphy - 10 Murf Beam/Traps Corruptor on Virtue(4 retired 50s)



My dad's a producer (of movies, duh!), and i've seen a lot of scripts, and that is a pretty freakin' above average intro (that's a good thing)! i would, however, like to suggest some things. a couple are cliche, a couple are original. (oh, and for the art, i'm PRETTY amazig at computer animation, if you don't mind a bit 'o help. if it was animated the sound & music etc... would be a snap, and we could submit it to back to the advice: first cliche- a pic of keith. he's peakin around the corner of an alley and on the wall that you see him peaking around, you see blurry shapes dragging someone (btw the blurry shapes will be whoever the ones responsible for JJ's death are, i.e. the lost), and you see a semi-transparent pic of JJ's face over the whole picture. Next thing is a plot suggestion: because the lost (if you use them, and hopefully you will,) turn humans into machines using spare junkyard parts, they essentially remove all that is human. includig someone's soul. let's say that kl found a cool little crystal thingy whe he was six, and gae it to JJ, saying nothing would ever come beetween them. JJ always wore it around his neck on a string as a sign of eternal compaionship. that will be all that KL finds of JJ. Then there will be a shot of KL draping the necklace over the grave. then it starts glowing. the there is a shot of KL looking into the gem, but instead of seeing himself in the reflection, sees his brother. all of a sudden the gem stats vibrating , and then shoots into KL's heart. KL then hears JJ's voice say: "It's okay brother, let yourself become consumed by your need for vengance! give in to your rage! open your heart to darkness! let go of all that is light! become darkess itself!" (a little cliche, i know) Then a dark aura appers around him, and there is a close-up shot of his eye: you see his pupil narrow, and his cornea turn red as his veins close-in on the center of his eye. then the white of his eye turns black, and the veins glow blue with negative energy.
you know what? there's a LOT more of this, and my hands are tired, so email me with your email address (mine is in my signature).