First <. .> I'll state that I'm absolutely giddy that someone has posted prose on the forum. >,< I'd hug you, but I'm a guy and I have this distinct suspicion that would creep you out <@.@> So I shall refrain! I'll put my opinions in red <^-^> remember, they're just opinions and suggestions! Also, remember <,< that even though I re-write sections to give you an idea; the goal is just to give you ideas <@_@>; Try not to use EXACTLY what I write unless it really really strikes your fancy; I'm just trying to toss out ideas (plus its my best method of explaining what I'm thinking <~_~>
Night Hunting
The gravel shifted under the feet of three gargantuan thugs, arms thicker then tree trunks and piercing eyes looking through the opening of black ski masks. It was pitch black on the rooftop of The First National bank except for their flashlight beams which lit their scheme. - This paragraph isn't bad; but it feels awkward. Your descriptions aren't bad, its the order (among other things). Here's some examples of what I mean:
[color= red]"The gravel shifted under the feet of the three gargatuan thugs, arms thicker than tree trunks and piercing eyes looking through the opening of black ski masks."
This is kinda a run-on sentence... more importantly, while you have several bits of good description in here; it gets lost in the phrasing. It needs to be broken up into more managable sentences <@_@> Here's how!
"Three massive shapes strode across the rooftop, gravel crunching with each step. Menacing eyes peered from beneath dark ski masks scanning the area, while thick muscled limbs worked with surprising deftness." - Gets the same ideas across; But its a bit easier to read.
You shouldn't repeat "black" so quickly either - "Pitch black" for the night, or "black" for the masks (I recommend for the masks - all you have to do is say its night and people get the impression that its dark!). Otherwise you bored the audience! Use a Thesaurus wherever possible to avoid repeating words very often; its hard, but very important (Developing your vocabulary is one of the critical things in writing!) [/color]
"It was pitch back on the rooftop of the First National Bank, except their flashlight beams, which lit their scheme." - I think this is just overly complicated. Its good in concept; but it can be cut down! "Only the thug's flashlights allowed any visibility."
[color= red]Concievably you might be able to ditch the sentence altogether. [/color]
Unbeknownst to the hooligans, Steel Hawk sat perched high above them, watching patiently in his high tech armor, wings drawn, preparing for the perfect moment to strike. [color= red]- One problem here is, you've shifted perspective! Generally that's not a good idea unless you are changing chapters. It can get very confusing for the audience! So... you have 2 big options here! 1) Integrate this paragraph with the first, so that Steel Hawk is already watching them (and tell it from his perspective); or 2) (My suggestion) Keep following the thugs, but hint that he's there. He'll show up and be plenty cool when he makes his full appearance <^,~>
Anyways, my suggestion: "Above the would-be bank robbers, a form shifted in the darkness. One of the men scanned the sky nervously, but gave up after only a moment.
It's just my imagination."[/color]
Suddenly a loud blast rang through the air, shaking the windows of the surrounding skyscrapers and sending a cloud of dust high into the air. Through the newly created hole the crooks readied themselves for entry into the bank. [color= red]- Mkay, here's the problem here... you never mention them getting themselves away from where they planted the charge! Or that that's what they're working on! - That's not too hard to fix though <^,~> And it's a good chance to use dialogue (which is important!)
Here's how I'd do it:
First; a basic description: "The shortest of the bunch finished his work, and signaled the other two."
Then - A tiny bit of dialogue!
"Ok, Mikey you got the detonator right?"
"Yeah, yah I gots it."
"Good, lets get behind that stair well."
- Why dialogue for expendable thugs? It reminds the audience they're still people and makes things a bit more exciting. It also lets you direct them exactly where you want them to be without having to use a ton of description. (Description can be great, but overused it gets dull!)
So in full:
The shortest of the bunch finished his work, and signaled the other two.
"Ok, Mikey, you got the detonator right?"
"Yeah, ya I gots it."
"Good, lets get behind that stair well."
Ten seconds, and a massive explosion later, the trio prepared to rapell directly into the bank vault. - I added this bit just to clean up your original idea. It was good, but needed specification!
Note that you don't always need a "He said" "She said" either - it depends on how many people are actively participating in the conversation; when its just two people, the back and forth becomes pretty plain to see and 'He said" "she said" gets very slow! <@.@>[/color]
Now, through the dust and confusion, Steel Hawk launched his assault. [color= red] - Good, but you've shifted tense! <o.o> Steel Hawk has gone from the present (Now), to attacking the past (launched).
Solution: Drop "now". Its just not needed ^^ "Through the dust and confusion" works perfectly on its own. Also, I recommend re-writing this line into a whole paragraph. The reason? You want to describe Steel Hawk decending on them; much as you do in the next paragraph. They shouldn't really be seperate to be honest. The other thing, of course, is going to depend on who you decided to open with. If you started with the Thugs - you're going to want to make Steel Hawk a sort of "batman" to them - Ie: at first at least, they don't know where he's at, and that's going to scare the living crap out of them! If you start with Steel Hawk, you're going to want him to be tracking them meticulously; every move already thought out three steps in advance.[/color]
As he floated down silently, Steel drew in his large metal wings, quickening his descent. He clenched his fist tightly and struck one of the brutes in his great square jaw with such a force, he sailed through the air into a second, incapacitating them both. They slumped over top each other in unnatural positions. Grasping one of the unconscious villains by the scuff of his shirt, he easily tossed him at the remaining thug, who was now franticly racing towards the fire escape. The throw was so powerful it knocked him off his feet where he hit his head on an air conditioner, rendering him unconscious as well. [color= red] - Use the advice I mentioned above this. This goes together with the previous sentence. [/color]
Just then, as Steel was binding the crooks hands and feet, an elderly Yiddish man emerged from the window of an adjacent building. [color= red]- Main thing don't use "Just then"; drop it and go with "As Steel was binding the crooks" (you don't need to specify their hands and feet - use the readers imagination for your own ends <^,~>
.
Now, here's the only complaint I have with the part - how do we know the old guy is Yiddish? <o.@> Does he have a yamulka and forelocks? (If so, describe em!); rather than say he's "an elderly yiddish man" describe him as "an older man" - and then use his dialogue and description to make the reader think "Oh, he's an old Jewish guy". [/color]
Eh! Whats with all the racket, ya crazy metal bird? he shouted down.
Steel let out a sigh as he looked down at the crooks slumped together then up to the old man and thought
People just dont appreciate anything.
He walked to the roofs edge, turned to the old man, who marveled at Steels great wings, and said
Phone the police.
And with that Steel Hawk leapt from the roofs edge, silently disappearing into the night.
[color= red]Overall I like the story <^_^> I think you have some good things going. The BIG thing you need to work on is a concept called "Show, don't tell". The concept is this; Show people the details, show them the environment, but where you can avoid it, don't just tell them things about characters.
What I mean is - if you have a character who's a total jackass - don't tell them "Jim was a jerk."
Instead, make Jim ACT like a jerk - and let them draw their own conclusions. (Hence what I mentioned about the elderly yiddish man)
Other than that its mostly about practice, and lots of it <^-^>m If you want ALOT of practice, give this a try...
www.nanowrimo.org - it starts in November <@_@> its fun! <^.^> (I do it!)
Oh, and as for keeping thing within the amount of space you are allowed to use - here's a big thing too.
Stephen King's advice is "Kill your darlings" - what that means is this - say you've got this enormous paragraph y ou just love - but its huge, and it really doesn't mean a whole lot to the story; its just a grandiose explanation of something simple.
Kill it. Don't let it hog your space!
Thus - if you run out of space trying to cram your entire story in, the first thing you should drop is the very end. After Steel Hawk ties them up - its all gravy; so if you find yourself incapable of fitting the end in there, while making the rest of the story meatier - drop that part with the old Yiddish guy.
^^m I hope this helped! You did good <^o^>m (And remember >_< all of this is just one guy's opinion <,<
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