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Originally Posted by Zamuel
"Is that an official wish? Say the magic words..." Haven't seen an arc comment/reply from you just yet. However, Peppercat actually beat you to the punch with an in-game request for Overload #405822 so that will be next up.
Overview
Overall the arc is mechanically sound and has a decent premise but it's a little underwhelming.The first mission only has generic rescue dialogue from the hostages with no patrols, idle chatter, or clues. Also, the Bum Slump animation seemed like an odd choice for the hostages as opposed to a Cower type animation. Then again, some canon mobs have weird restrictions on what animations you can and can't use.
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First, lack of idle chatter: I didn't feel it appropriate for an entirely robotic set of enemies.
Lack of clues? There is one, it's not necessary for mission completion, but it's there.
No cower? The initial mob I was going to use as the hostage couldn't cower, I looked and looked but it wasn't there, I'll check in a bit to see if the replacement can.
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The fact that the final mission takes place in a [spoiler] is the main thing that seemed underwhelming, especially due to one of the clues from the previous mission made it seem like something else may have been going on since it wasn't encoded. Any number of things could be done here. You could go the route of having a full rewrite of the mission and make it take place somewhere else. You could keep the same premise but use a larger version of that map and perhaps some hostages for a bit more chaos. Maybe add a battle with the enemy group from mission 4. There's also the concept of adding a timer for a bit of pressure. Merely throwing out ideas since the end result is up to you.
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I wasn't entirely happy with the last mission myself, this is the first arc I've written and part of the problem is I'm still seeing exactly what I can and can't do with MA
I seem to remember looking for a larger version of the last map but couldn't find one, I'll look again in a tick.
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Your arc has inconsistent levels. This is generally bad unless time travel or power dampening is involved in order to simulate losing powers. Also, your contact does not have a bio. You might want to roll the timer warning from mission 2 into the actual text itself but that's purely a matter of taste. The 'Accept' text for your final mission is still the default while the text for your other missions is more descriptive.
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I THOUGHT I'd fixed the inconsistant level problem, I'll go splat that bug in a moment (gee, lots of stuff I'm going to do in a moment here
) Timer warning is at least in the accepted text, I'll move it to the briefing. Bio, ack, knew I'd missed something!
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Some of your clues wound up being out of order with the last clue for a specific mission showing up above the first clue. This can be remedied either by drag and dropping the objective lower in the list or cut and pasting the mission text from the objective to the actual End of Mission clue to guarantee it will be last.
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I'll make a note to check those in the future.
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I couldn't place my finger on Technogenic's secondary. I know he was a Robotics MM but I didn't know what else he had. I know he lacked KB protection. Merely a curiosity on my part.
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/pain, he's a pretty weak EB and went through several dozen different looks and sets. He always had the same primary, but his difficulty and text changed significantly. His text is actually much more sane than originally now.
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Also, I think the inclusion of [spoiler] was a pretty interesting move that works. I was originally wary about the defeat alls but the maps are small enough that it's fine.
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I was very wary of putting those defeat alls in, so I'm pretty gratified to see they work ok. They started off as longer but I cut them down after running them myself.
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Spelling/Grammar
--Mission 1 start
Now for the really bad news: that warehouse is the primary storage area for demolition supplies we're using in the Boomtown reconstruction project, including a large amount of explosives. If whoever's behind this gets their hands on the explosives in there there's no telling what damage they could do!
should probably be
Now for the really bad news: that warehouse is the primary storage area for demolition supplies we're using in the Boomtown reconstruction project, including a large amount of explosives. If whoever's behind this gets their hands on the explosives in there, there's no telling what damage they could do! <- comma
--Mission 1 send off
Thanks, I knew I could depend on you $name. Your first task will be to rescue any workers that got stuck inside when the robots broke in, thankfully it was only night shift so there can't be more then two or three workers still in there.
should be
Thanks, I knew I could depend on you $name. Your first task will be to rescue any workers that got stuck inside when the robots broke in. Thankfully it was only night shift so there can't be more then two or three workers still in there. <- period + caps
--Mission 1 outro
Good job $name, it seems kind of odd those robots had no leader though, he must have already fled.
should probably be
Good job $name. It seems kind of odd those robots had no leader though. He must have already fled. <- periods + caps
--Mission 3 sendoff
I knew I could count on you $name. Now the priority here is to get in and out, you'll probably have to hack into their computer system to get any decent information, Crey's employees don't tend to talk.
should be
I knew I could count on you $name. Now the priority here is to get in and out. You'll probably have to hack into their computer system to get any decent information. Crey's employees don't tend to talk. <- periods + caps
--Mission 3 outro
Basically, this guy could "feel" instinctively, how machines went together and therefore if a machine was malfunctioning in some way he could figure out how to repair it just by being near it, in short he was a technopath. Unfortunately they went too far and increased his power too much, he went nuts and they had to detain him. He broke free a week ago and in the process repaired and now controls a host of Anti-Matter's robots he stole from a Crey storage warehouse. He now goes by the name Technogenic. Unfortunately that's all that's in the file, his whereabouts are completely unknown.
should be
Basically, this guy could "feel" instinctively how machines went together and therefore if a machine was malfunctioning in some way he could figure out how to repair it just by being near it. In short he was a technopath. Unfortunately they went too far and increased his power too much, he went nuts, and they had to detain him. He broke free a week ago and in the process repaired and now controls a host of Anti-Matter's robots he stole from a Crey storage warehouse. He now goes by the name Technogenic. Unfortunately that's all that's in the file, his whereabouts are completely unknown. <- periods and commas
--Mission 4 outro
Excellent work! Now we know where he is there's only one thing left to do
Your choice on adding a period or an ellipsis to the end of that sentence.
--Mission 5 startup
Now I don't know if you read all of that file on him, but Crey managed to boost his powers to huge levels, you might want to assemble a team for this.
should be
Now I don't know if you read all of that file on him but Crey managed to boost his powers to huge levels. You might want to assemble a team for this. <- remove comma, add period
[NPC] Technogenic: Awww, $fall down... Pathetic.
I'm assuming you meant either
[NPC] Technogenic: Awww, $name fell down... Pathetic.
OR
[NPC] Technogenic: Awww, look at $name fall down... Pathetic.
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Heh the last one's actually intended, it's meant to be very condesending. I have noticed when writing I sometimes abuse the comma to within an inch of it's life, so I'll try to stop myself doing that in the future.
Many many thanks for giving the arc the once over Zamuel. Given how few people seem to be playing MA missions at the moment, I've been struggling to get someone else to look at it.
