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Villain: Uh Lieutenant?
Knives Lt.: What is it now, Butchie?
Villain: Well, I want to be discharged. Id like to be a civilian villain again.
Lt.: No one gets out regulations. May I ask why you want out?
Villain: There are so many reasons Like these stupid night vision goggles. Why do I have to wear them again?
Lt.: Regs; theyre part of the uniform.
Villain: But its daytime! Cant I take them off just for right now?
Lt.: No, cause then youd be out of uniform, Butchie.
Villain: Oh! And thats another thing! All the girls call me Butchie. Thats NOT my name you know!
Lt.: (snickering) Yes, but it fits dont you think?
Villain: *sigh* I had hoped it wouldnt come to this but if itll get me out I have a confession to make.
Lt.: A confession?
Villain: I lied on my application *drops pants* Im really a guy!
Lt.: *stares quietly for a few seconds* Well, Butchie, the thing is no one gets out, and um *draws knife* youre out of uniform
Villain: *GULP* -
Jenkins: Huh? Oh HEY, Frostfire! I thought you got arres-...er, I heard...uh...crazy weather this week huh?
Frostfire: *glares* Whaddyawant, New Guy? I'm not having a real red-letter day, and I'm not in the mood for noob BS.
Jenkins: Well, I wanted to drop this off...*holds up sheet of paper*...didn't expect you to be here, sorry to be a bother and all that...*uses toe to nervously chip at two-foot-thick layer of ice on floor*
Frostfire: Well what is it? Spit it out for chrissake; I'm on my way down to the half-pipe room.
Jenkins: It's, uh, a letter of resignation.
Frostfire: ...
Jenkins: I can just leave it on your desk if you want.
Frostfire: A LETTER OF RESIGNATION?? What the hell do you think this is, IB-[censored]-M?!? Jeee-ZUS, no wonder the heroes get in here all the time; I'm surrounded by complete headcases.
Jenkins: Okay, so...no letter, I get it. Is there a form I'm supposed to fill out or something, then?
Frostfire: NO, THERE IS NO [censored] FORM !!
Jenkins: ...there's no need to shout.
Frostfire: ...
[increasingly uncomfortable pause]
Frostfire: You're right, noob. You're absolutely right.
Jenkins: Really?
Frostfire: Really. Tell ya what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna think about your request, and then come let you know. You just wait right...*melts ice around Jenkins' feet, watches him sink 2 feet...re-freezes ice*...here.
Jenkins: Er...thanks...
Frostfire: Yep. And I'll even get some friends to hang with you while I'm gone. *summons fire imps*
Jenkins: ...uh...I don't...uh...
Frostfire: You sit tight, and when I get back, I'll tell you what I think about your Letter of Resig-[censored]-nation, okay sh*t-for brains? Great. Lates.
[Frostfire leaves; fire imps advance.]
Jenkins: Frostfire? Uh...FROST, MAN, seriously...this is SO not cool...well, bloody hell. -
another phone in quitter and the first time we see Jenkins catchphrase of "Oh Bloody Hell"
Uh, hi, Doc Vahz? Yeah, hi. This is Jenkins. We met last week at the henchman picnic?
Right, the one whose skull hat had the missing left incisor. Quite a memory you've got there, a-heh...*ahem*.
Well thanks, sir, you were pretty memorable too. *uncomfortable pause* I was calling to...well, first I wanted to let you know that I got those livers.
Yep...well, no, actually, I went ahead and got 14, rather than the even dozen, because one was from a kid and kind of small, and another was from a homeless guy who really reeked of whisky so I thought it might be kind of iffy.
Th...thank you, sir. You, uh, have great initiative too. *pause*
Well no, actually, that wasn't the only reason I called...jeez, this is awkward...anyway, I hate to do this, I know we've got that medical convention to raid and harvest from next month, but I'm gonna have to give my 2 weeks notice.
Yeah, I really have to.
I really don't think I can change my mind, no sir.
Why? Well...it's a lot of things, sir, personal issues, nothing against the cause or the organization of course.
What issues? Well...it's...it's the flies, sir. I can't take it anymore; if I have to hear that buzzing for one more day, I'm going to snap and blow up a preschool or something.
N-no, not as a quick way to get the organs, sir...just out of frustration.
Right. So...I was figuring on a week from Thursday as my last day. Will that work for you?
Great. Hey, listen, I really appreciate you being so understanding about all this.
Hm? Liver?
Oh, sure, the livers I harvested...right, I can either drop them off, or you can have Igor stop by my place, whichever.
Wha...? Not the ones I harvested? I'm afraid I don't und...
MY liver? No, see, I'm going to need MY liv-
Doc Vahz? Are you there? HELLO?!?!
Oh, bloody hell. -
Ringmistress: "So... you want to quit the Carnival of Shadows?"
You: "I really do. Really. I just don't get our mission statement. We entertain people long enough to enslave their souls... and make ghosts... with muscles or something? Isn't our boss just some chick's psycho delusion anyway? THAT also confuses me. How are we working for some figment of another person's head?
Ringmistress: "Well, it's complicated. She has corporeal form, you know. It's all very mystical and metaphysical."
You: "...Okay- but how does the clown theme fit into this?"
Ringmistress: "...Uh... she likes clowns. I guess. DON'T QUESTION THE BOSS, OKAY?"
You: "I also have issues with the fact that I have another person's soul trapped within my own body. Plus, the guy trapped inside me is a 30-year-old bed wetter. Not fun. Oh, and I think I'm allergic to the facepaint."
Ringmistress: "You're a Strongman- you're not supposed to be wearing the facepaint under that metal helmet."
You: "Well that explains why it smears so much, and why my helmet smells funny. Speaking of which, I also don't think I look good in the suit. Not like the other Strongmen."
Ringmistress: "Come on... you look... you look okay."
You: "I'm 120 lbs! I have no muscles! I can barely carry the two gallons of milk I buy all the way up the stairs to my apartment without having to take a break! How can you possibly think this looks good?"
Ringmistress: "Fine, fine. You want to quit? There's the door to the tent. Go on. But I'll tell you this much- if you walk out that door you will never, and I mean NEVER, get free all-you can eat popcorn again."
You: "...never?"
Ringmistress: "Never. Still want to raise a ruckuss, and be 'Mr. Quit'? Huh? Souls aren't easy to remove. Plus, we may 'accidentally' remove YOURS in the process. So go ahead. MAKE trouble by quitting. That's what you WANT, right? No job, soul, OR popcorn? Keep it up, mister troublemaker!"
You: "Sorry...I'll be good."
Ringmistress: "That's better. Now go refill the cotton candy machine before killing your next batch of people, would you? We're all out of 'El Purple Fantastico'." -
Villain: God, these sewers. Why does it always have to be sewers with these... oh, we're here?
Abomination: GRAGH.
Villain: Oh great. Another sewer. How could I have guessed. So the doctor's around this corner, right? Hello, Doctor Vahzi.... Oh sweet holy lord!
Dr. Vahzilok: I get that reaction a lot.
Villain: So I, uh... wow, a brain in a jar, huh? That works for you?
Dr. Vahz: Get to the point. I'm working on the formula for immortality here.
V: (muttering) Live forever as a brain in a jar, I don't know...
Dr.: What was that?
V: Dr. Vahzilok, sir, I understand you're doing important scientific work here, but I think it's time for me to move on. I've got my resume out there on Monster.com and the economy's recovering, you know...
Dr.: What could be more rewarding than conquering DEATH itself?!
V: Um yeah, that. Don't get me wrong, it's nice not to be vomiting acid anymore, and I'm sure glad that week of carrying explosives is over, but, you know, wearing the skulls and bones of my enemies is a little gross, and I think I'm allergic to something in the water down here, it's been hell on my sinuses...
Dr.: I know what this is about.
V: (hopeful) You do?
Dr.: You want a promotion! Fine. I can offer you a Luminous Eidolon position immediately. Depending on your performance, you could make it to Murk Eidolon within a year.
V: Sir, with all due respect, the whole leather look isn't my thing. I know I experimented back in college, but really it started to chafe, and I think I'd rather just make a clean break.
Dr.: Funny you should mention a break.
Abomination: GRAGH.
Abomination2: GRAGH.
Abomination3: GRAGH.
Dr.: You see, our retirement policy is very strict.
V: Oh, crap.
Dr.: (looks at water passing by) Well, yes. But beside the point.
V: You know, black always was my color... and I can get used to the chains.
Dr.: I thought you might see it my way. -
this one was one of the first to be put in the "call in and quit" format
Err, Mr. Fire Blog master?
Oh, sorry, yeah Fir Bolg, sorry sir.
Well, I need to quit.
Oh the pay is great, you know, but, like, I'm just not doing well with the chicks any more.
Well, yeah, I'm big and strong but the flaming pumpkin head seems to be a real turn-off.
Yeah, it's a great dental plan but not much help when your teeth are just carved out of your face anyway.
Look, I'm sorry but it really isn't working out. I need to quit and get this burning pumpkin off my shoulders. How do I do that?
... old covered bridge near the tram station, right...
A horse!? I've never seen a horse within 100 miles of town, where do I get a horse? And how do I learn to ride it?
But I want to quit now, not in three months! I've already got a moped, will that do?
About 25 miles per hour.
Screw tradition, I'll use the moped. So then what?
...skinny guy, yeah....
JEEZ! Isn't that a bit extreme?
Yes I want to have a head again.
So what am I supposed to lop his head off with? The best I have is a kitchen knife. Will that do it?
Arg. Well, my brother is a Warrior, maybe I can borrow something from him. So then what?
You're joking.
If I cut my own head off then I'll be dead, I won't be able to put the other head on!!
It will? Fifteen seconds? Wouldn't the shock knock me out?
Gatoraid and Dove Bars, got it. Guess I'm set! Wait wait a sec...
My dental plan is supposed to cover me until the end of the year. If I've got this guy's head on, does the plan cover the work he needs done?
Hello? HELLO??? -
emesis: Who dares come before Nemesis?!
Jenkins: Er, me, sir. You know, Jenkins.
Nemesis: Ahhh.. Jenkins. I believe you've just recently made Warhulk, yes?
Jenkins: Yes sir, about that..
Nemesis: You're quitting. I know. It's the whole "constantly being submerged in water" thing, right?
Jenkins: Pretty much, yeah. It's throwing my equilibrium off something fierce. Well, that and the whole "exploding whenever someone hits me enough" thing.
Nemesis: That's all part of my master plan.. Don't you get it?
Jenkins: What, wrinkly, exploded henchmen?
Nemesis: Wheels within wheels, Jenkins!
Jenkins: ... Yeah. Anyway, am I free to leave, or do I have to give two weeks notice or something?
Nemesis: No, two weeks will not be necessary. I've planned on you quitting for months now.
Jenkins: Well, see you, I guess. Thanks for everything. The uniform was actually pretty cool.
Nemesis: Oh, and Jenkins?
Jenkins: Yes?
Nemesis: PSYCHE!
*fake nemesis explodes* -
You: "Hey... is it just me, or is this Superadyne stuff... making our skin... you know... that color? Like trees?"
Troll #1: "...Red?"
You: "No... well, maybe. I forget. Thinking is getting harder ever since I started this stuff. Any of you guys having this problem? What about you, 'guy with horns'?"
Troll #1: "Thinking is hard. Me Troll so long, me not have to do no more. Other Trolls pick on me- call me 'The smart one' when I bash my own head with rock."
Troll #2: "That day good. That rock taste good."
You: "Hmm... maybe this stuff wasn't all that the drug dealer on the corner hyped it up to be. I'm hanging with guys I would never have even considered hanging with before, I'm throwing big rocks at people, and popping this superadyne like aspirin at a migraine convention. I'm thinking some rehab might be in order."
Troll #1: "Order me two!" *holds up three fingers* "Sound yummy!"
You: "Uh... yeah. Listen- you guys have been awesome, but I think I should see a doctor, and get this stuff flushed out of my system. You know- go back to normal."
Troll #1: "Normal? Normal bad!"
Troll #2: "BAD! Normal BAD! FIRE BAD! FIRE... Uh... Fire make toast. Me like toast. And like throw rock at heroes."
You: "Yeah... you guys have fun with that. I have to go to the hospital now."
Troll #1: "You no go! Trolls no quit! You go nowhere!"
Hero: "I'VE COME TO DEFEAT YOU, VILLAINS!!"
You: "Good! A hospitalizing is just what I was looking for. Make sure to rough me up real good before working over 'dumb and dumber' over here." -
You: Listen, boss- This... this just isn't working out for me. I mean, no offense, but the 'West Side Story meets Escape From New York" look just isn't me, I keep dropping my axe... all the boys are laughin' at me... it's just not a good conducive atmosphere for me to work in. You know- emotionally ."
Warrior Boss: "..."
You: "I mean, sword fights are cool, and everything- Reminds me of many an hour I spent playing Dungeons and Dragons back in high school. But, I just don't think we're all working in a cohesive group. So, I'm just gonna turn in my axe, bandanna, and pre-shredded jeans, and call it all good."
Warriors Boss: "You must fight our BRAVEST warrior if you wish to leave our cabal! No other way is allowed. It's the warrior's way of the warrior. And you must respect the warrior code of the..."
You: "Warrior. Yeah, I got it. You guys say that a lot. And our best warrior is Ted- do I really have to fight Ted? He's good with that spiked ball on a stick thingy."
Warrior Boss: "The Mace. A true Warrior's weapon."
You: "There's no way around this clause in my contract?"
Warrior Boss: "No. It is the way of all warriors to battle the greatest warrior to become a better warrior. Or, in your warrior case, to give up the warrior's life of a warrior."
You: "Oh. *sigh* ...Maybe I can challenge him while he's mugging some lady for her purse. He likes taking women's purses. But... he keeps them. It's weird. 'Mightiest Warrior' my [censored]..."
Warrior Boss: "Your warrior's strategy is bold! Truly in holding of the warrior's code of being..."
You: "..A warrior. Yeah. I get it. This job sucks." -
You: *stretch* "Well guys, it has been fun, being part of this evil corporation, but I'm gonna to just tumble on home."
Crey: "Erm.. Okay, there are two ways. Either erase your memory, or we kill you."
You: "Wow.. Those are my choices?"
Crey: "Yeah, the Countess isn't really a 'people person.'"
You: "Well all right.. Erase my memory.. Will I remember my name?"
Crey: "Haha, good one." *ZAP!* -
Plus, how do you quit the FREAKSHOW? (This one is for you, Raevyn)
You: "This has been great guys. Really. I've had a good time ransacking Talos Island, and I really like the idea that I can open a beer bottle with my... well, you know... But I think it's time we've parted ways. So- if you could just take all this crap out of me, and stuff all my limbs and organs back in place- that would be super."
Freak Tank: "You... didn't read the pamphlet we handed out when you signed up, did you."
You: "There was a pamphlet? My bad. Did it say anything important?"
Freak Tank: "The pamphlet titled 'Irreversible Cybernetics and You'? ...Yeah. It had a few important issues in there."
And the Banished Pantheon would be a little tough, as well.
You: "I'm sick of being a half-naked Shaman guy. The zombies smell, the floating head mask thingies creep the bejesus out of me, and no matter HOW hard I try, I NEVER get promoted to the "Giant Tiki Guy" position. That's it. I'm done."
Banished Pantheon Member: "Sure, sure. We understand. I mean, it's no problem to quit."
You: "Really? No hard feelings or anything?"
Banished Pantheon Member: "No, no. Just let me go get my voodoo doll, and my pouch of magic powder, and you'll be out real quick."
Next thing you know, you're hanging around Greg Brady's neck, making him lose the surfing competition. Not the fate I'd wish for, man. -
I can't think of the last time villains got together and held a meeting to see who the next big Super Villain would be. Can you IMAGINE that meeting?
Skulls Rep: "This 'Psycho Flame' guy. He's up for Villain status, and we're all here to review him today. Who's met this guy? Anyone?"
Hellions Rep: "I met him once. Seemed really mean. Good with lighting people on fire, too. We liked that."
Skulls Rep: "Shut up, you."
CoT Rep: "We had the pleasure of his company for a short while, too. We felt he lacked what it took to be a master of evil mysticism, but he had a nice look. And a great chanting voice."
Skulls Rep: "Hmm.. we'll keep that in consideration. Anyone else?"
Freakshow Rep: "We thought he was going to start out strong- but in the end, he refused to fuse metallic joints to his body, and spent a good deal of time sticking magnets on our faces as we slept."
Clockwork Rep: "Hey! Us, too!"
Skulls Rep: "Not very promising. Anyone have any positive comments? This guy really wants to be a big time villain, and he's waiting patiently for our approval."
Sky Raider Rep: "He's pretty good with a rocket pack. And he had some decent maintenance skills when it came to our shield generators. Plus, he's really a people person. Good personality."
Skulls Rep: "Well, I think I've heard enough. I'll just call Lord Recluse with what we've talked about here, and see if Psycho Flame is worthy of a callback." -
ok, so for those of you who were not in beta, the Jenkins Conspiracy started when a poster said he thought we would have to prove ourselves to each villain group leading up to Arachnos. This led to a discussion on how that would work and how would you quit anyway. During the course of our tomfoolery it became Jenkins getting fired. What made it even better is that it was Jenkins you have to rescue in Breakout.
Well, in honor of this conspiracy I will post what I have saved. Keep in mind that I did not copy the poster's name, so I cannot give credit where credit is due. Sorry
enjoy -
i think i got up to page 15 saved. i did not however save any of the names, just the stories. would this cause problems with the people who wrote them?
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for information on animated avatars try either this:
KiwiLi's guide to animated gif avatars
or this one:
How To: animated avatar by The_Spinning_Top
good luck. -
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It's the same symbol that Lord Recluse uses, although I'm not certain if it has an official name or not.
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It is definitely not the Arachnos symbol.
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It really does have a chitinous look about it, though. I suppose that could reflect their metallic blades and hardware more than a connection to Arachnos (perhaps the little dots on the circle are rivets).
Still -- CONSPIRACY!
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Remember, in the original CoV video, it was Freakshow supporting Lord Recluse, not that group he has with him now. It's possible it has spider undertones.
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Also remember that the Freakshow will work for anyone who provides sandwiches and a keg.
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strangely enough, thats how I work too. -
yeah he does sound a little bittter. i enjoy the contests since it gives me a slim chance to get some free influence and the time it takes to get it started is usually enough time for me to grab a quick snack and take care of some business.
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more than likely it was photobucket.com. try that, if that wasnt it, then i am at a loss.
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i think the mime thing is true. mimes are evil, plus they're french, and aren't we supposed to hate the french. just kidding
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*Not an actor. Actual testimony from a real person.*
"Before I would just run around and not know what to do about the Skuls I saw in the streets of Paragon City. Now, thanks to the Go. Hunt. Kill Skuls guide I am a more productive hero and feel better about myself." -
just wanted to congratulate the winners. great job guys and gals.
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ok this may have been answered already but i am afraid i do not have the time nor the inclination to read through 13 pages of posts. i just wanna know when this skill thing is suposed to show up. thank you for your answers
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all i want to know is:
is everyone prepared to meet their...moosey fate?
its late, forgive me