Mighty's Epic Quadruple-B (Beef, Barley, Broccoli, and Beer) Man Soup
WARNING: This soup is not to be taken lightly. The combination of ingredients and special methods has been linked to Pictish virility ceremonies and are known to enhance the masculinity of the cook approximately 172%. DO NOT attempt to make the soup if you are female as this could result in spontaneous conception.
Ingredients
* 2 medium carrots, skinned
* 2 short celery stalks
* 1 fist-sized head of broccoli
* 1 medium onion, yellow
* 4 tomatoes
* 2 cloves of garlic
* Extra virgin (boom-chicka-wow-wow) olive oil (any other type of olive oil may not be able to resist your charms)
* 5 red skin potatoes, unskinned
* 3 beef bouillon cubes
* 5 1/4 cups of water
* 1 Smithwicks Beer aged in the refrigerator for 4 months or more
* 1 can pigeon peas, lazily drained (YOU try finding them fresh...)
* 1.5 pounds of lean beef, any cut, no more than 1/2 inch thick
* Worcestershire Sauce
* Dried Dill
* Black Pepper
* Garlic Salt
* 1/2 cup of barley
1. Read all the instructions first. The Romans did.
2. Put on some Sade (if you're man enough to attempt this recipe, you're man enough to listen to Sade while you're cooking).
3. Remove your pants. This soup is best prepared in a t-shirt and boxers but briefs are acceptable. This is an ancient technique dating back to the Irish Vikings of Mesopotamia and enhances the flow of killer instinct into the soup.
4. Prep vegetables. Chop 4 tomatoes to 1/4 inch pieces. Slice carrots, celery, and onion to a non-feminine thinness (1/8 inch is good). Chop potatoes into 1/4-1/2 inch chunks. Combine celery and onions. The broccoli should have the stems cut off and be in bite-sized chunks. Thin slice garlic cloves. Think of the D-Day scene from Saving Private Ryan while you do this.
5. Heat olive oil in medium saucepan over medium heat. Add tomatoes and garlic. Cook for 5 minutes, add 1/4 cup water (if you did it wrong or weren't thinking hard enough about D-Day, the water may cause the oil to pop and spit - this is your fault). Cook, stirring until tomatoes are a chunky mush. Remove from heat and put aside. Address oil burns on hand if necessary.
6. Prep beef. In olive oil, brown beef on both sides to about a medium rare state in soup pot on medium heat (hopefully for you it's a non-stick soup pot). Remove from pot leaving juices and oil. Cut beef into smaller pieces no larger than 3/4 inch. Use as large a knife as possible and, if you have them, barbecue prongs to hold the meat in place. Put aside.
7. Not allowing the beef drippings to cool, add onions and celery to soup pot leaving it on medium to medium-high heat. When onions and celery are losing their crunch and turning slightly translucent, add carrots. Cook for 5 minutes stirring at lengthy enough intervals that it appears you are disinterested in their well-being.
8. Add tomato mix and peas. Cook for 10 minutes, stirring regularly. At some point during the 10 minutes, when you feel the time is right, add dried dill and oregano. Use pure instinct to tell you how much. Just as the 10 minutes are about to end, grasp the bottle firmly and add a healthy dose of Worcestershire Sauce to the pot using a thrusting motion of the arm.
9. Surprise! Hope you followed step 1, otherwise you're going to be starting to boil water for bouillon cubes now and overcooking the rest of the soup. Discipline is a man's virtue and you have hopefully practiced it. Add 2 bouillon cubes already boiled in 2 cups of water. Stir, working the bouillon into the soup.
10. Add broccoli. Cook 10 minutes.
11. Add 1/2 the bottle of Smithwicks. Admire the foam and aroma. You may experience a slight feeling of inebriation as some of the beer is weaponized into an aerosol form and enters the blood stream through the mucous membrane. This is all scientifically proven to happen. Be manly and continue cooking.
12. When the mixture begins to simmer again add 1 bouillon cube already boiled in 1 cup of water. That's right, it's possible to make the same mistake twice in this recipe. If the mixture did not stop simmering, cease cooking the soup and pour the scalding mixture down your underwear as punishment as you obviously used warm beer. The beer was supposed to be cold, jackwagon. Add beef and potatoes. Stir everything well and with confidence.
13. Add remainder of Smithwicks and 1 cup of water. Bring to boil. Reduce heat, cover, and simmer for 35 minutes. Coincidentally, "Iron" Daniel Bellows of Bleak, Arizona was convicted of killing 12 men in 1858 by dynamiting a mine shaft. He was reportedly angry over comments made about his stylish boots. "Iron" Dan was sentenced to hang. He managed to fend off death for 35 minutes by flexing his considerable neck muscles. Ponder this.
14. Add 1 cup of water and 1/2 cup of barley. Envision the water as nitroglycerin and pour carefully. Continue to simmer for 30 minutes.
15. You soup is done. Recover your pants. If you have survived and all the steps have been followed to the letter, you should have one of the manliest foodstuffs ever created. Serve in bowls with some form of fermented liquid to drink (mead is preferable, ale will do). Crushed crackers are appropriate to add if you wish. The soup should be served immediately after the cooking time has ended.
Note - The magical properties of the soup will become apparent the next morning as it will have transformed from a soup into a type of barley stew which, while still tasty, is clearly not a soup. The potent sorcery of this recipe is fleeting and rightfully so as such manly energies concentrated in one pot for too long could lead to brawls, pillaging, or, in one case, the resurrection of the Three Stooges as zombies capable of physical comedy. The barley stew is still delicious.
