ziggy3k

Legend
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  1. What law oversees the dangerous combination of insects and British 303 rifles?

    Slippery when wet.
  2. What do you get when you squeeze one of Gladys Knight's backup singers?

    Frothy and delicious.
  3. Can you name a mint and a lick?

    eighty-two rabid doves
  4. Beans, beans. They're good the for the heart...
  5. ziggy3k

    Hurricane Gustav

    So in the nearly 300 years since the city was built, after two hurricanes we should just abandon it? If you knew anything you'd realize there were more than just these two latest ones (ever heard of Betsy or Camille?) and we still survived and moved on. And where should we build New-New Orleans? Idaho? Yeah the Creole culture is thriving out that way. A city whose culture and history are founded on a coastal, fishing and shipping industry is going to face storms just like the East Coast does. We have the particular problem of being below sea level which has special problems that need to be addressed in a more timely fashion than the Army Corps of Engineers and its endless red tape are currently working. If we can put robots on Mars... we can install proper protection for a coastal city that has a singular style and beauty in the whole country. And no I'm not talking about the drunk college kids on Bourbon Street. If you've really been to NOLA you know the city is so much more than Mardi Gras. It's art and music and European architecture and the best food ANYWHERE and street car bells and riverboat calliopes and celebrating EVERYTHING and sitting on your stoop to gab with your neighbors. And you might say we could do that anywhere but it didn't happen anywhere. It happened right there. Where at least 6 generations of my family have lived, died and are buried. So no thanks. We'll rebuild not relocate.
  6. ziggy3k

    Hurricane Gustav

    As a devoted New Orleanian, I wanna say thanks for the thoughts. Luckily it doesn't seem to be another Katrina for us. Some of the good vibes need to be sent to Laforche and Houma and other coastal regions though. They're getting the teeth of the surge apparently.
  7. [ QUOTE ]
    duck duck goose

    [/ QUOTE ]

    What's your idea of the perfect Ménage à trois?

    Apple dumplings for five dollars.
  8. What are you *hic* talking about? I *hic* fight villains better when I'm *hic* drunk.
  9. What am I avoiding at this very moment?

    Slippery when wet.
  10. What did you use to lure in your latest beau?

    A banjo and a fistfull of gummy bears.
  11. What's the penalty for sassing your elders 'round here? :P

    About a pint of goat's milk.
  12. Well I'm glad someone reanimated this thread... it has been a great read and I'd love to read more about this twisted genius. I mean, come on... he's gotta see the girl again, right? Maybe take on some American super soldiers?
  13. When you look at George W. Bush what do you see?

    Forty-six and two.
  14. What does Mario need to finish the last level of Super Mario Brothers: The Intestinal Wrath of King Koopa?

    Turn right at the purple light, go two blocks and take a left at the crippled hippo then circle the magical corndog vendor three times.
  15. What is comparable to getting woman to think rationally?

    A little slice of heaven.
  16. ((Eventually. I need to get permission from another character's owner and I really want to work on a story for actual publication. So maybe somewhere down the road I'll do more Grumby stuff. But I gotta say thank y'all for all the encouragement! I think this is the first "short story" or "serial" or what have you I've finished and of which I was proud. The responses had a lot to do with my want to both complete such a story and to write it longer than originally intended (originally he would have been sent to Paragon after first meeting Isavol and this last PROLOGUE bit would come soon after) so consider yourselves muses. Plus I have to admit I've gotten a little emotionally attached to the big lovable oaf so it has been a pleasure and something I'm sure I'll want to revisit. THANKS ALL Y'ALL!!!))
  17. What holiday comes after Goodbye Eve?

    Necromancy and lawyers.
  18. A PROLOGUE:

    A single sun hung in the blue sky through which flew a silver dragon that breathed fire backwards! On all sides he was surrounded by gleaming towers that dwarfed those of Firdraasmoth like Firdraasmoth dwarfed the Fairy Kingdom. Giant insects with humans inside roared past him and, perhaps the most amazing thing of all, great stone giants, larger than any he had ever seen, stood about poised to protect the voluminous castle or carry things about like the one giant with the great big ball on his back. Everything was just amazingly alive and in motion! He couldn't keep his eyes or his mind focused on a single thing.

    But then came a shout. “Leave me alone!” a woman screamed. “That's all the money I have!”

    Grumblethump looked to find a horned being, what looked like a cross between a goblin and a human, yanking on an old woman's purse with the woman still entangled in said purse. This disturbed the ogre. But then the half-goblin jerked so hard that the poor old lady fell face first on the ground and Grumblethump, being Grumblethump, reacted as Grumblethump would. “Goblin stop now!” he roared and took his hammer in both hands. So that would be the day Paragon City was suddenly gifted with Grumblethump, the Goodly Ogre.
  19. * * *

    “I've never seen anything like it,” Tantrifax remarked with a tense tone of astonishment. From the library's window he could see another unit of pikemen taking up position to guard the flanks of the central army of knights, which had originally arrived to lay siege to the tower. Alas, when the Dark Templars and their motley horde of beasts and monstrosities arrived, a single ogre suddenly seemed less threatening to the armies of Firdraasmoth. The death of Grumblethump the Fiend, as he was now called, would have to wait.

    The Fiend, himself, was peering through a small crack in the door in the hopes of catching Penicmyss ascending or descending the spiraling stairwell running the height of the tower. She was still quite angry with the timid ogre and avoided the library where Isavol kept him as she prepared what was proving to be quite a massive incantation. His heart ached so just to see his precious, tiny friend. Even though she most likely understood what had happened to him better than he did, himself, her grasp upon her frustration with the situation remained solid. And as such she still opted to keep her distance from the indirect cause of her tenuous dissatisfaction and had taken to pouting in her own tiny bedroom below the library.

    “Leave her be, noble beast,” Isavol sighed. “Come. I need your help.” Of course he turned to aid her without hesitation. With eager eyes he looked over the spell components gathered atop the table awaiting some form of mysterious assembly. “Take this stone in your right palm... your right hand... the other one. Yes, that's your right. Now in your left hand hold on to this stone. Very good.” Grumblethump rolled the rock over and over in his left hand. It had the look, feel and smell of metallic ore but it had a plethora of tiny holes running through it. He looked back to the Green Sorceress curiously. She smiled back at him and answered his unspoken query. “Yes, it's a strange one. It's a piece of star-stone that fell from the sky. So the spirits akin to it should prove to be just as strange as its appearance. But surely they can be coerced as can any other. And their insight into the worlds beyond our own will be invaluable. Now just hold on to them for a while. Let the elements become attuned to your own spirit. Let them get to know you.”

    Raising his eyebrows in wonderment he lifted the rocks up below his face and said quite earnestly, “Hullo rocks. Grumblethump want to be friends.”

    “Very good,” Isavol chuckled, returning to whatever concoction needing blending next.

    Tantrifax could only sigh and mumble, “He talks to rocks and pines for an elven lass. What a fiend indeed.”

    “I beg you never use that foul lie of a name in this tower again, darling Tantrifax,” the Green Sorceress scowled as she tapped at a paper envelope to dispense just a hint of frog-hide mushroom spores to the mixture in a stone mortar. Never lifting her eyes from the delicate procedure before her she added, “He's as much a fiend as I am a... a....”

    “Goose!” Grumblethump chimed.

    “Aye,” she smiled. “A goose. Look. Nary a feather on me.” She tucked away the envelope of spores and retrieved the pestle with which to mix the contents together. “Now... we're very nearly ready. Grumblethump, dear...” She moved from around the table and reached up to take the ogre by his massive shoulders. Then, as if she had the strength to move him, she guided his steps to the center of the room. “Stand here and keep hold of those stones. I'll begin writing the runes.”

    From the table she took the mortar and the powder therein and then took a cup of water with a painter's brush sticking from it. Dipping the brush into one and then the other and circling the ogre as she scribed the mystical characters, she began writing out a mixture of spells from various librams and tomes. Partly a summoning incantation combined with a binding ward infused with a beguiling charm, she wrote, spoke and willed the spell into slow existence. All the while Grumbelthump and Tantrifax looked on in silent, cautious wonder.

    And they did this for quite some time until at last the Green Sorceress stood. She looked over her handiwork again and then nodded with satisfaction. “Very well,” she said and looked to the curious ogre. “Set the stones there and there,” she instructed, pointing to two small circles she had drawn by his feet. He did so and promptly began to fidget. “Fear not, humble hero,” Isavol cooed. And then, closing her eyes, she began to incant. After some time the stones at Grumblethump's feet began to radiate a faint, purplish glow as the energy of her mysticism began to manifest. Hairs stood on end and the air almost seemed to sizzle. One could not help but notice that they were now bathed in raw magical power. Then, without warning and in a sudden flash of miniature lightning, two anthropomorphic heaps of stone, one granite and the other star-stone, appeared within the circles at Grumblethump's feet.

    “Who are you?” the star-stone elemental immediately inquired, its voice an hypnotic warble.

    “She is the Green Sorceress,” the granite elemental replied before Isavol could introduce herself. It's own voice was like the grating of two stones against each other. “A primordial witch.”

    “What's she want?” whined the star-stone spirit. By its hunkered shoulders it seemed put upon and rather bothered. Isavol tried not to laugh.

    “How should I know?”

    “Well you're from here, aren't you? Go ahead. Ask her what she wants.”

    Not waiting for a direct inquiry, Isavol stepped up and declared, “I beg of you both a favor. One with which comes a promise and a feast of essential force.”

    “Go on,” warbled the star-stone spirit as its morose tone was replaced by an inquisitive one.

    “Behind you stands Grumblethump... a kind and gentle soul.” The two spirits turned to look up at the massive ogre then looked back to Isavol for her to continue. “I ask of you to carry him from this place and to protect him and deliver him unto a realm more befitting his... condition.” Grumblethump looked sadly to his pretty witch but stayed silent as he had to trust her.

    “Condition? What do you mean? Being an ogre?” the granite elemental wondered. “That's hardly a condition. More of an existence. And I've never heard of a place that wants more ogres. Even a realm of ogres wouldn't want more ogres The star-stone spirit nodded.

    “I mean to say that he is unique among ogres. As you might have noticed, he is no monster. His spirit is one of grace not malevolence. And as such, it leaves him hated by both ogrynn-kind and the other creatures of the chaotic as well as humanity and the creatures of the light. He is... endangered on all sides. And as my...” She looked to him with now tearful eyes. “...my dearest friend, I wish him free from harm and through you two I beg it be made just so.”

    “I am of this world. I can not carry him away. So what would you have of me?" the granite spirit asked, seeming rather greedy and childish. “How might I earn a feast?”

    “Of you, proud spirit of Hyanthis, I ask you protect him. That you bind yourself to the stone of his flesh and keep him safe from harm as best you can.”

    The granite spirit thought for a moment then replied, “This I can do. Though, as you know, from his forces I must feed.”

    “I understand,” she said. “As long as he has a place to live.”

    The star-stone spirit turned and looked at Grumblethump again. From toe to head and back down again he studied the ogre from some time until he finally said, “There is no physical realm within which safety is garaunteed. He is mortal after all.”

    “I understand,” she said and amended, “I mean to say... a place where he can be free to be himself. He requires a place where his soul of sincerity can outshine his visage of menace; a place where he might do some good as is his truest want.”

    “Hmmmm,” the star-stone elemental pondered. “You ask for much.”

    “Look upon me now, kind spirit. Look upon me and sense my power. Have a taste of it and then answer my request.”

    After a moment it replied, “Very well. We shall carry him from this world and to another. But he may have either peace or fulfillment. One or the other. Not both. Choose now and he shall be carried away.”

    Isavol looked to Grumblethump and smiled wistfully. He looked back sadly, reaching out to gently wipe away her tears. She cupped his hand with her own and rubbed her cheek against his rough fingers. “It is your choice, sweet creature. What will you have?”

    He tilted his head to one side and blinked. “Grumblethump want to help pretty witch forever.”

    “Yes and you will no matter where you are. Just so long as you exist in this cosmos you will be of benefit to me, noble ogre. But tell me, if you had your pick, which you do, what would it be? A place where there is no war, no pain and no death... or a place where there are such terrible things but where you might help bring them to an end?” Again she realized she had been too verbose. She simplified her words by saying, “Do you want to go where people are happy or do you want to help people who are sad?”

    This he understood. He looked up to the ceiling and he seemed to contemplate as best he could. Then, after some time, he smiled softly again and replied, “Grumblethump help.”

    Isavol returned his smile and kissed his palm. “Here,” she said, retrieving a tiny scrolled piece of paper from her robes. Applying a dollop of sap from a jar on her table to one edge of the note she then motioned for him to lean forward and then pressed it against his chest. The sap, acting as bond, adhered to the ogre and she waved a hand over its face, finalizing the magic written upon it. Then she turned to the star-stone elemental and said, “There you have it, kind spirit. He chooses fulfillment.”

    “Very well,” it groaned. “It's a bit farther out of the way but so be it. Ogre, take my hand.”

    “Hold on!” Tantrifax interrupted. All attention turned to the satyr who was struggling to drag the giant hammer across the floor. “If he's off to save a world, he'll need this.”

    Grumblethump's eyes grew teary as he smiled to the satyr. He reached out a hand and patted Tantrifax's head. “You nice for big mouth goat man.” He then reached down and took up the hammer, slinging it upon his shoulder.

    “Yeah, well you're a damn fine monstrosity, you giant-felling, elf-saving, dragon-slaying clod,” Tantrifax said through sniffles. “Now go on before you grate my very last nerve.”

    Turning to Isavol, Grumblethump blinked and wiped at his own tears and asked, “Pretty witch?”

    “Yes, sweet creature?”

    “Tell baby girl Grumblethump miss baby girl? Tell baby girl Grumblethump...always love baby girl?”

    “Tell me yourself!” Pencimyss cried and charged from the doorway to leap upon Grumblethump who dropped his hammer and wrapped his massive arms around her but stopped short of crushing her outright. “Oh Grumby I'm so sorry! I'm such a fool! I love you too! I'll never forget you!”

    “Grumblethump love baby girl more than both suns... more than whole sky! Grumblethump never forget baby girl too. Grumblethump promise to always think of baby girl... and pretty witch... and goat man. Grumblethump make proud!” Nary a mortal eye remained dry.

    “Ahem,” warbled the star-stone spirit. And so Pencimyss slowly slithered from Grumblethump's grasp and stepped around the elementals to smile up at him. Behind her Tantrifax and Isavol gathered, arms around each other and they looked upon him with immense cheer as he held out a massive hand which both spirits took.

    “You're born of stone,” it noted. “That should make things easier. Don't worry. You'll be safe with me. And I dare say you're about to see things no ogre of this realm has ever seen.” And then the purple glow surrounding the elementals began to encompass Grumblethump until the three of them became united by its umbra.

    Looking back up to his friends, Grumblethump smiled broadly and stood stoically upright like a good champion should but much like a small elemental would prefer he did not. With two spirits dangling from one hand, he patted his chest with the other and declared, “Grumblethump leave heart here with friends. Grumblethump come back for heart one day.”

    “We'll keep it safe, sweet creature and await your return,” Isavol answered and covered her mouth with one hand as he, his hammer and his spirit guides faded from sight and into the astral realm. “I love you,” she whispered and he was gone.
  20. What's easier to get than No-Tea?

    Babel fish and Atomic Vector Plotter
  21. Can you show me how to get to Sesame Street?

    The dog ate it.
  22. How do you get hot wax on both nipples at once?

    feverish and constipated
  23. What's main priority for a Hawaiian transvestite?


    A Fistfull of Sand Dollars
  24. What degree of fondness comes with making love to a pizza chef?

    Blame it on the rain.
  25. What's the first power a super villain learns in school?

    Atomic wedgy!