I'd stick to just...
"... and from the ashes a virtuous angel will arise, wearing a crown of fire and bearing a luminous white star. Her voice is thunderous, striking fear amongst her foes." - (some gobblygook name for scripture)"
Keep it simple. =P
Monistary is spelled : Monastery
Quick initial response (may have more later...)
Should be "This is what it read." and not "reads." since the rest is in past tense.
Should be "For months she wandered..." not "wondered..."
Style/story wise:
A sense of place always helps... Where is she at the start? We know there is a monastary up in the mountains but that is it.
Why does she think this prophecy is her? What ashes did she arise from? Does she have a crown of fire or bright star??
Why did being among so many other gifted people did she decide to master her powers? Because they could aid her or because she could do so unnoticed/unconnected to the prophecy?
I know it can be tough to answer every question in the short space the in game bio allows (if this is for the in game bio) and there is nothing wrong with leaving some questions unanswered - Perhaps it is preferred if you are doing a bio for RP purposes. Still, the main changes even with that in mind that I would make would be to say that amongst so many gifted beings she felt she could master her powers unnoticed and to give some reason why she felt the prophecy pointed at her - Family died in a fire? Her city was ruined in a war? She has red hair and her power makes her hands glow? Some clue why it pointed to her...
But even with all that it is an interesting bio...
Well in addition to the above, "needed translated" should be "needed translation" or translating, writting should be writing, recieving --> receiving cuz I before E except after C and... 
Oh you probably wanted opinions on the content not spell checking... right, well it's orange (
) and that's always a good thing when you're going to...
ummm yeah I'll agree with what has be been said so far... you either need to simplify it down to the bare minimum that still reads correctly
or you should really flesh it out and try to answer as many "questions," that might occur to someone reading it, as you can.
It would help if you said what this is for. In game BIO where you are capped? Full backstory you want to write? RP?
Quote:
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Originally Posted by EnnVee
I recently started a sonic/energy blaster and I wrote up a Bio for her, I am looking for critiques and opinions on this new Bio.
A piece of parchment that Veritas had since she was a child held a scripture that needed translated. Veritas took it to the monistary of the prophets high in the mountains. This is what it reads. "From the ashes will arise a pure and virtuous Angel wearing a crown of fire upon her head and carrying a bright white star in her hands. She will speak with the voice of thunder, and will be feared by both man and demon alike." As Veritas heard these words she began to understand her destiny, she was this angel the prophets spoke about. Nervous of what they may do if they knew who she was, she quickly fled the monistary. For months she wondered, until she found herself in Paragon City. With so many other "gifted" beings here she decided to master her powers and reach full potential before returning to the prophets and announcing her true identity. I hope to expand my writting style by recieving your advice. |
What has been said before. Set a backdrop of some sort. Also, personally, no explanation of how she knows the monks will react nastily is making me question why the heck the girl is not just being paranoid. Also, monks and monastery is a very broad term. Are you referring to the monks you would find in a temple high in the himalayas heading more towards eastern ideas, some kind of european type hidden in the alps, or something of your own design. Just elaborate on these things and your bio should turn out great.
P.S. Ennvee I personally believe it would help you get more words correctly spelled if you wrote it down in a word processor first such as office. Then copy and pasted it into the bio screen. Not to sound like a jerk but on numerous occasions I've seen you with spelling errors in your bios. It's perfectly fine as everyone I know has trouble with spelling sometimes. Mostly this is to avoid the grammar nazis.
ok, this is an IN GAME Bio, and I now have a revised version, complete with spelling and grammar check !! I am thankful for the input from everyone, and hope this version is more clear.
After fleeing the war the consumed Edinian, and seeing her parents destroyed by the flames that consumed the city, Veritas wept. Her hands began to glow white from her inner rage, and her body began to feel feverish. Suddenly she remembered the parchment that she had since she was a child, it held a scripture that needed translating. Veritas took it to the monastery of the prophets high in the mountains.
"From the ashes will arise a warrior wearing a crown of fire upon her head and carrying a bright white star in her hands. She will speak with the voice of thunder, and will be feared by both man and demon alike"
As Veritas heard these words she began to question her identity, could she be this angel the prophets spoke about. Nervous of what they may do if they thought she was this warrior, she quickly fled the monastery . For months she wandered, until she found herself in Paragon City. With so many other "gifted" beings here she decided to seek help with her powers to find their full potential before returning home. Veritas could only hope the "gifted" here could aid her so she could train unnoticed by the prophets watchful eyes and discover who she was destine to be.
I hope this is better than the first attempt
Much better EnnVee, and actually very well written. Only thing I have is a grammar nitpick.
Quote:
I agree with what the others have said. Take this beginning that you've written, and ask yourself the questions suggested by the other posters above. Other questions will probably suggest themselves to you. (She's had the scroll since childhood, but where did she get it? Did someone give it to her? Does she even know where the scroll came from?)|
Originally Posted by EnnVee
I recently started a sonic/energy blaster and I wrote up a Bio for her, I am looking for critiques and opinions on this new Bio.
A piece of parchment that Veritas had since she was a child held a scripture that needed translated. Veritas took it to the monistary of the prophets high in the mountains. This is what it reads. "From the ashes will arise a pure and virtuous Angel wearing a crown of fire upon her head and carrying a bright white star in her hands. She will speak with the voice of thunder, and will be feared by both man and demon alike." As Veritas heard these words she began to understand her destiny, she was this angel the prophets spoke about. Nervous of what they may do if they knew who she was, she quickly fled the monistary. For months she wondered, until she found herself in Paragon City. With so many other "gifted" beings here she decided to master her powers and reach full potential before returning to the prophets and announcing her true identity. I hope to expand my writting style by recieving your advice. |
Let your answers flesh-out the character, the setting, and the story. And its perfectly okay if the character, herself, doesn't know all details. But it'll probably be helpful if you, the writer, know them.
Even if your final version is something very brief (like the short bois in the character I.D. in game), having the more complete info available to you, as the writer, will be helpful.
Sometimes, it helps to write things out on separate pieces of paper and lay them out. Then you can look them over and physically rearrange them easily, in a rough fashion. But, if you're much more comfortable with a word processor, by all means use that!
You're probably going to re-type and revise it a few times anyway.And don't forget to have fun with it and enjoy it!
EDIT: D'oh! I'm a day late and a dollar short. Yes, EnnVee - it seems you've fleshed it out quite handily! One thing: "..fleeing the war the consumed Edinian.." should be: "..fleeing the war that consumed Edinian.."
Really nice EV! Definite improvement over the initial version. Nicely done!
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I recently started a sonic/energy blaster and I wrote up an IN GAME Bio for her, I am looking for critiques and opinions on this new Bio.
A piece of parchment that Veritas had since she was a child held a scripture that needed translated. Veritas took it to the monistary of the prophets high in the mountains. This is what it reads.
"From the ashes will arise a pure and virtuous Angel wearing a crown of fire upon her head and carrying a bright white star in her hands. She will speak with the voice of thunder, and will be feared by both man and demon alike."
As Veritas heard these words she began to understand her destiny, she was this angel the prophets spoke about. Nervous of what they may do if they knew who she was, she quickly fled the monistary. For months she wondered, until she found herself in Paragon City. With so many other "gifted" beings here she decided to master her powers and reach full potential before returning to the prophets and announcing her true identity.
I hope to expand my writting style by recieving your advice.