Very good. I really liked the characters.
This is the type of material I could envisage being used as part of the co-op comic that was mooted.
Question: constructive criticism or bland comment to the effect of "nice story"?
Just to point out, it is a nice story, if too short. 
Disclaimer: The above may be humerous, or at least may be an attempt at humour. Try reading it that way.
Posts are OOC unless noted to be IC, or in an IC thread.
[ QUOTE ]
Question: constructive criticism or bland comment to the effect of "nice story"?
[/ QUOTE ]
Take your pick, I don't mind criticism, I'm always looking to improve my work.
[ QUOTE ]
Just to point out, it is a nice story, if too short.
[/ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Part One - The Maestro's Mech
[/ QUOTE ]
There's actually about 4 or 5 parts to it, maybe six if I feel the need for an epilogue.
[ QUOTE ]
Take your pick, I don't mind criticism, I'm always looking to improve my work.
[/ QUOTE ]
Thanks. I like to ask rather than assume.
You're into run on sentences. Try to cut back, they're harder to read. The first paragraph is a sentence. The first sentence of the second paragraph could easily be two as well.
Get someone you like to proofread for you. They may well catch things you miss like: [ QUOTE ]
well defiantly not the latter
[/ QUOTE ].
Please note that I am lousy at taking my own advice, you are obviously at liberty to ignore it.
Disclaimer: The above may be humerous, or at least may be an attempt at humour. Try reading it that way.
Posts are OOC unless noted to be IC, or in an IC thread.
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Take your pick, I don't mind criticism, I'm always looking to improve my work.
[/ QUOTE ]
Thanks. I like to ask rather than assume.
You're into run on sentences. Try to cut back, they're harder to read. The first paragraph is a sentence. The first sentence of the second paragraph could easily be two as well.
Get someone you like to proofread for you. They may well catch things you miss like: [ QUOTE ]
well defiantly not the latter
[/ QUOTE ].
Please note that I am lousy at taking my own advice, you are obviously at liberty to ignore it.
[/ QUOTE ]
Whoops 
.
Normally my little brother proofreads stuff for me,(He especially likes CoX stuff and bugs me to finish some unfinished projects), but with him on holiday I kinda ended up doing it myself.
The good news is that I am planning a full rewrite of this chapter at some point and I'm going to correct that part now, before I forget.
A nice little story that sets itself up nicely for more to come. I really liked the dialogue too.
As has already been mentioned the run-on sentences are difficult to read. Although you can set up breathless, pacy scenes by using long sentences like that its hard to pull off while keeping focus. It's usually better to use short, self-contained sentences to get that action-scene feel.
One other thing, I'd like to read more detail on what's happening and a bit of background on each of the characters as they're introduced. Your dialogue does a good job at hinting what your characters' roles are, but a little sentence adding a bit more would go a long way.
Also, I reckon it would bring a bit more pace to the fight with the mech if you put interspersed the dialgue with bits of action, so the reader gets a better impression that the fight is going on at the same time as the conversation.
Good stuff though, loads of potential here
I liked the way you didn't mention much about the characters but let the reader picture them through the dialogue. But like burning fist said I didn't realise the fight was happening while all the talking was occuring. That could be fixed with a few references to a battle while talking. But overall I enjoyed the read and will you be posting the next parts?
Part 2 - Battle of Brass
Amanda, Neko, started Bluedarky as the wreckage began to move, RUN!
Amanda and Black Cat Neko shot from their hiding places, Neko running along the ground on all fours and Amanda flying towards the exit, Bluedarky braced himself for the Nemesis automaton that would emerge from the wreck.
He wasn't prepared enough he realised, the automaton bolted towards the warehouse exit, Bluedarky saw that pieces of what Nemesis used as the copies outer layer had burnt off to reveal the intricate clockwork underneath. He could also see the stuck gear in the creations neck making the automaton constantly twitch it's head to the left.
The automaton lifted it's arm and pointed at Black Cat Neko, Bluedarky could see that the original programming to make them think it was the Maestro of Mayhem was still intact.
Tr, tr, tr, tr, ai, ai, tor, stuttered the automaton. Bluedarky sprinted towards the automaton, fist raised hoping to smash it into bits before it could fire off an attack. It caught his fist in a single hand.
Bluedarky gasped, his 8 ft frame towered over the Maestro Automaton's 5 ft 4 inches height but it caught his punch as effortlessly as the Back Alley Brawler had during his last training session, too late the Brawler's words repeated in his head, Fools rush in where heroes fear to tread, assess the situation before you make the first move.
The automaton threw him aside into a wall, reducing it to rubble before moving towards Black Cat Neko threateningly.
Neko backed off hissing and spitting at him, Amanda noticed the signs that Neko's magical energies were running low and she was changing into a more feline form to prolong her powers, unfortunately due to morphic resonance, this meant that her mind was slowly becoming more feline too, the irony was astute, she thought more human as a cat than she would in about six seconds.
Six seconds passed.
Neko instinctively leapt at the non-living thing.
Bluedarky crashed out of the pile of rubble, red warning signs over the HMDs told him he needed medical attention but he charged and tackled Neko to the ground, Amanda dived in the opposite direction as the Automaton fired an energy bolt at where Neko had been moments before.
How can we fight it? asked Amanda, he could hear the worry in her voice, she had never really come across something her powers didn't work on, even when she couldn't read minds she could attack them.
TK it at the wall, he yelled back whilst holding Neko down. She did it and it smashed against the wall. Whilst it was distracted Bluedarky threw Black Cat Neko towards the ceiling, she clung to a light fixture and climbed up onto it. She glared down at Bluedarky who shook his head and turned towards the Automaton climbing to it's feet.
Primary target missing, intoned the automaton, all pretence of it's human disguise gone, the crash had knocked more gears out of place preventing it from accessing the programming that allowed it to act human, Attacking secondary target. It rushed towards Bluedarky.
Several things seemed to happen at once, Bluedarky dived back, Neko dived from the ceiling and onto the Automaton's back digging her claws in to it and the ground, Amanda shot forwards and wrapped her arms around it clenching it's arms to it's sides and using her telekinesis to hold them in place, Bluedarky stepped forward again, clutched the Automaton's head in his hands and squeezed, the brass buckled beneath his hands before he pulled it apart at the seams, the intricate brass gears fell from the head and the body went rigid.
Amanda let go and Neko was forced to by finally changing back into her feline form where she leapt onto Amanda's shoulder. Bluedarky carefully laid the body down on the ground and was about to call it in when a whirring noise caught his attention.
He pulled apart the body, against everything he'd been taught he knew he had to find out what it was that was whirring.
It was a magnetic tape deck wired to a small speaker, he almost didn't want it to speak but held his breath when it did.
If you're hearing this then I guess I underestimated you Bluedarky, said the unmistakable voice of Lord Nemesis, Don't act surprised, I know all about your obsession, your maps, notes, diagrams, how you claim to observe every villain group in the city, but focus on tying them to me, to my grand plan.
My observations of you haven't been as strict, for obvious reasons, Hero Corps attempts to keep you out of my way, scared of the fact that I may begin observing you like you observe me, they probably try to pawn of excuses like that they need you to stay impartial, you can't involve yourself in my plots and expect to casually observe me.
But I talk too much, as a gift you can keep the automaton you destroyed, perhaps Melissa can make something of it Stephan.
No real observation my butt, exclaimed Amanda, He already knows more than any other group in the city about us.
Bluedarky didn't respond but lifted the ruined automaton and punched a hole through it's chest before letting it fall and punching what was left into scrap metal. He finally sat up hands bloody and bruised, he attempted to stand and collapsed, he pulled himself up against the wall and focused on the HMD in his sunglasses.
Do I look as bad as this says I am? he asked Amanda.
Hopefully worse, replied Amanda, I'll call an EMS to pick you up.
The pair sat by the wall in silence until the PPD arrived to cordon off the scene, they took statements off them both and arranged to meet with Black Cat Neko later.
Soon after the EMS arrived, a little unusual as the EMS was usually first, but they said it was a busy day and Amanda thought nothing of it as they loaded Bluedarky onto the van.
She was about to get onto the van when something niggled in her mind, she could feel fear, not for the people who were feeling it, but for others.
Go on without me, she said to Bluedarky, I'll meet you at the hospital.
She flew up above and over the building to see who it was, when she arrived she saw two men, in Paragon Ambulance Uniforms, without thinking to untie them she flew around the building to the door and grabbed the officer on guard.
Has the EMS left? she demanded.
Yes, replied the guard a little shocked, Just this minute why?
She turned to the other officers, There's two EMS officers around the other side of the building, and get a callout on the EMS that just left the scene, Bluedarky's been kidnapped!
Part 3 - The Chase
Madam Victim sat at the Bane of Crey supercomputer main console going over the battle with the simulator, it was confusing, according to LOCA's projections, the Nemesis Automaton should have made short work of the three.
That was when the All Heroes call came through, as soon as she heard it she didn't need to enter it into Stephan's models to see how it fitted, he was a threat, he had to be eliminated, but he'd underestimated the range of Amanda's powers and was about to pay for it.
LOCA... she began standing up.
Already on it, replied the AI, Loading van, cases 4, 8 and 35, also loading the Blue Blur.
Any reason for the Blur? asked Madam Victim, Considering it was built for Stephan and not me.
I don't expect the van to survive the conflict, replied the AI, she sounded almost sad for the van.
Well I do, replied Madam Victim, I did build it after all.
Precisely, replied LOCA as Madam victim climbed in.
Hey! replied Madam Victim, I made you didn't I?
You programmed me, replied LOCA, You had to get someone else to build this system.
I'd have liked to see you do a better job on this van, came the reply.
Maybe if I had actual limbs, replied the AI.
Move your main AI into the van, ordered Madam Victim, And contact Marioko, we'll need air support out there.
--------------------------------------
Temperature Sprite moved slowly through the mission at the back of the group, she didn't like the group leader, none of the team did, no names, he referred to them as Oi and You.
The camera crew and NDAs he'd had them sign had annoyed her the most though, she wasn't allowed to contradict his version of events once she left here, that really annoyed her, she did the hard part and he got the credit.
The only reason he was here was to recover a legendary artefact, an artefact guarded by a shield designed to prevent it from being used by one who would use it for selfish and personal gain,by only allowing through the innocent hearted. As her species went, Temperature Sprite was young enough and simple enough to qualify.
And now we're here in the central chamber, said the leader, suddenly her earpiece buzzed the news that Bluedarky had been kidnapped, And now my assistant Temperature Sprite will cross over and grab the Staff of Zaruman.
The camera's buzzed over to the spot where Temperature Sprite had been moments before, she'd left without saying a word.
----------------------------------------------------------
The EMS raced down the street sirens blaring, citizens watched as a green and blue van shot out of a side street and skidded around to follow the van as a blue skinned sprite and a girl in her late teens swooped down from the sky and followed the pair, this was followed by a three police vehicles with sirens blazing,
In the van Madam Victim shifted up a gear. Are you sure that's the one LOCA? she asked not removing her attention from the EMS.
Positive, replied the AI, Unless Nemesis has thrown his sunglasses, license and removed his arm chip placing them into another EMS, it's him.
I'm moving in front, said Madam Victim, Once I'm in front I need you to take control.
Affirmative.
Madam Victim manoeuvred the van in front of the EMS and allowed LOCA to take control, once the AI took control of the van she got up and moved into the rear of the van, she grabbed one of the cases and a strap from by the door.
She opened the case and wrapped the strap around her waist, she opened the door and threw a load of caltrops in the path of the EMS. The tires burst before regrowing with a blue foam.
Dammit! yelled Madam Victim as she shut the door and moved back around into the front of the van.
What's wrong? asked the AI as Madam Victim took control of the van.
I should've checked my mail before I left, replied Madam Victim, They took up my design for re-inflating tires.
Isn't that a good thing? replied LOCA confused.
Not when we need to stop the van, snapped Madam Victim as she moved behind the EMS again. Marioko, she yelled activating her comm with the sprite, Freeze the road in front of it!
You're insane, replied Temperature Sprite, No wonder you listen to Stephan when we're on a mission.
I feel more comfortable planning over maps, replied Madam Victim, Stephan was a gang leader, he knows how to adapt better than me, but you know this so are we going to talk about it or do it!
On it! replied Temperature Sprite, she swooped lower and blasted the road in front of it, covering it in ice. The EMS almost lost control but continued to go in a straight line.
Madam Victim released the wheel allowing LOCA to take control as they crossed the ice patch, she cursed as the EMS came off the other side before yelling into her comm again.
Amanda, she yelled, Anything you can do?
Not without risking Stephan's life, replied Amanda, Not that you appear to care.
Just leave it, replied Madam Victim, LOCA, you got anything.
Yes, replied the AI, The truck is going back on itself.
Pardon? asked Temperature Sprite over the comm, Going back on itself.
Affirmative, replied LOCA, In fact it is currently taking the most efficient route to the hospital, in fact if that is it's location we should be there in less than a minute.
Are you sure you have the right one? asked Madam Victim.
As I said, scans show his Hero License, Sunglasses and arm chip are in that van.
Three turns later the EMS pulled up at the hospital and stopped dead outside it, emergency crews ran up and were about to open the doors when Madam Victim, Temperature Sprite and Amanda arrived yelling at them to stop.
Move away, yelled Madam Victim pulling a device from the van which looked like a food thermometer and ran to the EMS doors, the crews stood aside and pulled the doors open whilst Temperature Sprite prepared to blast any Automatons.
The doors swung open revealing the two Automatons deactivated in the front seat and Bluedarky unconscious on the trolley, Madam Victim stepped in and stuck the device in Bluedarky's arm.
Scanner says, started Madam Victim as the scanner beeped, Biological, DNA says it's Stephan.
She stepped back to allow the emergency personnel to do their work and sat down on the wall.
Why? she asked.
Why what? replied Amanda.
Why would Nemesis lead us across town only to bring him here? asked Madam Victim worry creeping into her voice.
Who cares? asked Temperature Sprite, Lets just get to Stephan and check he's alright.
Yeah, nodded Madam Victim smiling, Lets.
Twenty minutes later she came back out, Amanda and Marioko had stayed behind to keep an eye on Stephan, she climbed into the van and prepared to set off.
Lets get you home and back into the main system hey, she said to LOCA, when there was no reply she looked down at the panel where LOCA's main AI was stored when she was in the van.
It had been ripped out.
Part 2 and Part 3
Another great couple of bits.
Plot and character wise, I like it. I was interested in reading it all the way through and I loved the plot twist at the end of part three.
I also like the characters. I can imagine them in my mind so youve already got that bit right. Having said that Madame Victim was probably the weakest of the main ones as although she came across as a bit more reckless and out of her element her style wasnt that different to Amandas (Im not explaining that well, but hopefully you get the idea). If you want to change this try coming up with three or four personality traits for each character an building their conversation and actions around those, it can help to solidify them in your mind when youre having to deal with six or seven at the same time.
(As an aside, we all find it easier to tell others than to do ourselves and I was putting a story of mine through final draft today and realised both the characters were acting the same. )
Description has improved from part one and the fight scene in part two was really easy to follow (if you want to read good descriptions of fights, albeit in a different genre, try David Gemmells Waylander). There are a couple of bits where it slips (
hands and squeezed, the brass buckled beneath his hands before he pulled it apart at the seams
just confused me for a minute), but overall its a lot better.
Having said that the first two paragraphs of part three need a bit of fine tuning as I had to read them a couple of times before I understood what was happening.
The introduction for Temperature Sprit made me chuckle, so good stuff there, although you change the point of view in the third paragraph which threw me for a minute.
All my other advice would come down to editing. There are the usual instances of repetition that we all make:
take control, once the AI took control of the van
grabbed one of the cases and a strap from by the door. She opened the case
You also need to come up with a few ways of saying Black Cat Neko and Temperature Sprit as while theyre both good names they dont scan well. For Neko youve obviously got Neko but you could also use other descriptions that fit such as the clawed black form or the snarling ball of fluff. (Not the latter of those two really, as its probably too cute, but you get the idea. )
So, if I have said it enough, good improvement on the first bit and keep it up. Please ask if you want clarification on something or Ive said anything out of line.
Part 4 - Nemesis Assault
Madam Victim sat and stared at the gap in the dashboard where LOCA's console had sat, there was a jumbled mass of wires in it's place, no hard disk or comm system, no GPS or scanners.
She sat for at least a minute before she snapped out of it and started to panic, she pulled out of the parking lot and sped back to the HQ in Kings Row cursing Nemesis under her breath. When she arrived she activated the manual override to open the doors and sat down at the main console and began typing rapidly when a metallic hand closed around the back of her neck.
Such a pity, said a metallic grinding voice as another pair of hands carefully removed her hair bands allowing her hair to fall free, I've always admired your hair Melissa, even during your work at Crey industries, it's such a shame you brutalize it like that.
Lord Nemesis I presume, replied Madam Victim nervously.
Worried about me, replied Nemesis, Scared that your sanctuary had been invaded by someone like myself.
You wouldn't come here, replied Madam Victim, We're well defended here, you'll be nothing more than a copy, the real Lord Nemesis wouldn't dare trespass here.
Not whilst he holds the keys, replied a familiar voice, it was slightly wrong, a little too high.
LOCA? asked Madam Victim, Why are you helping him?
His Lordship has shown me the path, replied LOCA, He has shown me the light, I have received the gift of...
Shut up LOCA, said Madam Victim, What do you want from me?
Isn't that simple, replied Nemesis, LOCA is currently the greatest AI tactician in Paragon City thanks to Bluedarky's simulation of my movement and plans, I simply want one of two things.
Which would be? asked Madam Victim although she suspected she knew the answer.
You, or your life, replied Nemesis, I need to prevent you creating another LOCA that can beat mine, unless you create it for me of course
I'm a hero, replied Madam Victim with what defiance she could muster, You know my answer.
A pity, replied Nemesis, I have a schedule to keep, LOCA, kill her.
With pleasure my Lord, replied LOCA.
She heard Nemesis's brass boots leave the base and the grip from her neck was released.
I could crush your skull, commented LOCA, But that wouldn't be fair and besides, I can't kill you without killing that wonderful suit first. Or would crushing your skull kill you anyway.
I don't know, replied Madam Victim. She mentally replayed her entire conversation with LOCA and Nemesis hoping to find something to use against her.
She felt the hairs on her neck rise and dived forward kicking her chair back into LOCA. Within moments her suit had formed her rifle and she aimed it at the advancing AI, an exact copy of her sister's battle armour in brass with a robotic brass face.
Stop, she yelled scared. LOCA halted and hesitated a moment before raising her hand to fire an energy bolt at Madam Victim. Madam Victim's mind raced, and she finally realised what her hindbrain was trying to tell her all along.
Override code B4862H, password Catherine! yelled Madam Victim, LOCA stopped charging the energy bolt and lowered her arm.
Please input command, stated LOCA blandly.
You will only accept commands from me, replied Madam Victim realising that she had stopped breathing temporarily.
Affirmative, replied LOCA.
Now access main backup and download core AI files.
Downloading. There was a few moments wait. Downloaded, would you like to overwrite current AI files.
No, replied Madam Victim, Catalogue current memory files then install.
The cataloguing took a few moments, but the install of her original AI files would take a while longer. Whilst she waited she reviewed the memory files of whilst LOCA was with Nemesis. It made for disturbing viewing.
LOCA came back online after a few minutes, Madam Victim span on her chair and lowered her weapon at LOCA's chest.
It's me! yelled LOCA her normal voice restored.
How do I know it's you? asked Madam Victim.
I haven't tried to kill you yet, replied LOCA, If I was still under his control I would've tried to kill you the moment I came online.
Good call, replied Madam Victim lowering the rifle and letting her suit disassemble it. She looked back at the screen. Really 500? she asked.
Positive, replied LOCA, Well, 499 now I'm free.
499 LOCAs about to make a march on city hall, commented Madam Victim moving towards the van, We need to get moving.
Don't forget the armies about to march on hero corps and Steel Canyon, replied LOCA climbing into the passenger seat.
They can be handled, replied Madam Victim, But we need to stop the LOCAs from reaching city hall.
Why's that? asked LOCA.
499 tactical geniuses about to march against city hall, replied Madam Victim.
We've handled worse odds, replied LOCA cheerfully.
No we haven't, replied Madam Victim solemnly as she fired up the engine, Don't kid yourself.
Human Justice. Part 4 - Nemesis Assault
Another good bit that moves the story along nicely. A few plot type questions I have:
What does LOCA look like? I know you do give some brief description later in the fight, but I struggled to follow things as at first I just thought LOCAs voice was coming through a comm link. Maybe just some indication that there is someone else stood with Lord Recluse would be good.
It seemed strange the Lord Recluse would have left LOCA there when Madame Victim is so important to him. I appreciate his arrogance, and the fact that he doubts MV can stop LOCA, but hes not had control of LOCA long enough to be that confident of what she can do.
She looked back at the screen. Really 500? she asked. I like the way you hold back some information for dramatic effect, but Id be tempted to add slightly more detail in this bit. I had to read it a couple of times to understand what the two characters were now talking about. Maybe just something along the lines of She looked back at the screen and eyebrows rose at the information it was displaying.
I do feel there should be a small comment from MV about that many copies of LOCA being produced that quickly. I can think of a number of ways it could have happened, but just a small comment from her would be good.
Chapter 4 - Armies of Trouble
Madam Victim and LOCA arrived at City Hall quickly, as LOCA had predicted on the way Nemesis had concentrated his forces into a frontal ground assault, allowing the pair of them to climb on top of City Hall and look over the battlefield.
No heroes, commented Madam Victim, Exactly as he planned, starting the assaults on the other two areas first took too many heroes away from here.
He's leaving as little as possible to chance, replied LOCA, We can't risk a frontal assault, you might kill me in the confusion.
There's 500 tactical geniuses down there, replied Madam Victim, We can't fight every single one.
There isn't 500, replied LOCA, Nemesis's genius hardly counts as tactical.
LOCA, warned Madam Victim, she looked back and sighed, He must have planned this months or years in advance, he had everything ready for your AI, once he subverted it he copied straight into 500 waiting bodies.
A shriek went up from the crowds of civilians.
They're attacking civilians? asked Madam Victim almost standing up.
No, replied LOCA blandly, Ex boyfriend alert Mel.
Oh no, groaned Madam Victim. She'd only ever had one so called boyfriend, an idiot who she'd met on a blind date that Marioko had set up. She'd ditched him that night, he'd gone around telling everyone that she'd dumped him because he was to much for her, at least until Stephan had sued his butt for slander.
And now he was out over the soon to be battlefield, about to announce his presence to the LOCAs and Nemesis, the sunlight gleamed off his white shiny costume and she knew, just knew he'd have that famous smile on his face and announce he had been the 4th most popular hero amongst the public last year.
Chances of his survival? she asked the one free LOCA.
8.4%, she replied.
And if we intervene?
That is if we intervene, replied LOCA, It actually reaches negative amounts if we don't.
How can it reach negative amounts? asked Madam Victim.
He'll keep coming back, replied LOCA.
Not even he'd be stupid enough... she trailed off remembering her date with him, We'd best stop him, best shot is just after they've all fired to make them think he's at the hospital.
LOCA moved into a ready position and waited for the inevitable.
White Thunder, Paragon City's fourth most popular hero, flew above the incoming mass of Nemesis robots whilst listening happily to the excited shrieks of the teenage girls, he always caused a fuss when he arrived, he brushed back his perfectly styled hair with a short flick of his hand and prepared his speech.
Halt evildoers! he yelled at top volume, they actually stopped, no villain had done that before, now they were holding their glowing blue arms up to him and then something grabbed him from behind and dragged him away as they fired.
LOCA dumped the dazed idiot on the roof and waited whilst Madam Victim checked that the army had been fooled with baited breath. She watched as one of the front ones walked to Nemesis.
Master, it said, I don't...
Enough, replied Nemesis, Continue the assault.
The automaton moved back into it's spot and Madam Victim let out a breath. She turned back to LOCA and White Thunder.
We got away with it for now, she commented, Luckily he assumes all the heroes are defending Steel Canyon and Hero Corps, and that if I hadn't joined him I'd be dead.
You would've been if you didn't have that override, LOCA replied, I calculated your survival against me at 1.29% for Nemesis.
That's pretty low, replied Madam Victim getting as close to the edge as she dared.
Why didn't you take the override into account? asked White Thunder starting to come from his daze.
Because in my infinite wisdom I decided not to allow her to know about the overrides at all, replied Madam Victim, It just so happened to save my life.
I know you, commented White Thunder, I know you, you're Marioko's owner, where'd she disappear to earlier, I couldn't finish my mission because she vanished.
Madam Victim span on the spot, stalked over to White Thunder and jabbed him in the chest as he climbed to his feet so hard he fell straight back down.
First of all, she snapped, It's Temperature Sprite to you, secondly, she is her own person and not owned by anyone, and thirdly, why she vanished earlier was to complete the very mission she lives for, if she'd failed she'd be dead!
Don't be ridiculous, he scoffed, Magical creatures like her can't seriously be allowed to walk around freely.
You know something, replied Madam Victim, The only reason you're allowed to keep your license is because you're so popular.
How dare you... started White Thunder, Madam Victim removed her visor and LOCA backed away.
Shut up you useless idiot! snapped Madam Victim, If you want to be useful, the stand over there and don't move unless I tell you!
White Thunder stood stock still, no one spoke to him like that, and especially not a woman! He went to move towards Madam Victim but LOCA pulled him back, he looked at the automaton as though seeing it for the first time.
Hey! he yelled, You have one of the Nemesis Automatons under your control.
Her name is LOCA, replied Madam Victim, Unbelievably she does belong to me and is in fact my AI.
But the body is Nemesis build, pointed out White Thunder.
What of it? asked Madam Victim still looking out over the LOCA army.
Well Nemesis builds all of a series exactly the same right, he replied, If I can find a weakness in this one, then it will be in all the others.
Madam Victim looked up, she turned, placed her visor back on and gaped at White Thunder.
I can't believe I'm going to say this, she said, But you are a genius!
I can't believe it's taken you so long to notice, replied White Thunder running his hand through his hair.
Percy shut up, said Madam Victim, LOCA if you please.
She held out her hand towards LOCA who pulled a notepad and pen from a compartment in her leg and handed it to Madam Victim who began to scribble furiously.
After writing this I realised this should've been part of part 5 above (Double DOH for calling it part 4!)
-------------------------------------
Madam Victim finished scribbling a few moments later, LOCA took the papers off Madam Victim and looked them over, she looked up at Madam Victim and stared for a moment.
You trust me to build this? she asked.
It needs to work, replied Madam Victim, I don't need a sonic wave producer or whatever right now.
Do you need me? asked White Thunder, I could be out there fighting them now.
Oh don't worry, replied Madam Victim, You are an essential part of the plan.
It took 15 minutes for LOCA to get the necessary parts from the various gadget shops around Atlas Park and a further 10 minutes to build the device. It was ugly crude, but exactly what they needed for now.
Madam Victim watched the Nemesis army carefully waiting to dive in at any sign of them actually assaulting city hall, some things never changed she reflected, Nemesis's demand list now totalled 30 minutes, he'd actually included his victory speech in it assuming victory was guaranteed. Heroes hung around the edges of the plaza, they'd seen too many heroes fall against the army and were waiting for reinforcements.
Done, replied LOCA smugly.
Madam Victim turned around and smiled to see White Thunder tied up in the wires and machinery, acting as an emergency power source, LOCA handed Madam Victim a mask which she fitted over her face.
Everything ready? she asked the pair of them.
I hate this, replied White Thunder as LOCA nodded, I should be down there fighting.
Percy, sighed Madam Victim, I need you to power that device at the signal. Understood?
Fine, replied White Thunder reluctantly, But hurry up, I want in on the action.
Don't worry, there'll be plenty of action left, replied Madam Victim, I may even let you arrest Nemesis.
Then get moving, he replied.
At the signal don't forget, she replied before moving to the front of the roof. She readied her rifle and prepared for battle.
Part 6 - Battlefield
Madam Victim leaped off the roof and landed in front of the doors to city hall rifle already pointing at Nemesis. Nemesis had finally fallen silent and was watching her, he turned and glanced at the LOCA army before turning back to Madam Victim.
You are resourceful, he commented, Am I to assume the unit left with you is deactivated?
Obviously, replied Madam Victim, Now call off the army or I activate contingency plan Beta 7.
Nemesis waved at a LOCA which walked over and spoke quietly to Nemesis for a few moments.
You would destroy the plaza itself to stop me? asked Nemesis sounding almost amused, Is this an heroic self sacrifice or something Melissa?
Something like that, she replied. She knew without someone at the base it was a useless threat, but she relied on Nemesis not knowing that there was no one there.
What are your terms? asked Nemesis.
One on one, replied Madam Victim, Me against you right here and now!
And if I refuse? asked Nemesis.
You won't, replied Madam Victim, You enjoy showing off your strength against heroes, you can't resist fighting me, to make sure I don't survive.
Your challenge is accepted, replied Nemesis waving the LOCAs back, Please feel free to strike the first blow.
Madam Victim fired her rifle at Nemesis, the bullets clanging off his armour without any visible damage, she ran forwards her rifle clicking as it shifted it's firing mode and launched a stream of flame straight at Nemesis who stepped through it easily, his armour glowing red hot, Madam Victim brought a fist up encased in ice and when to ram it into Nemesis's chest before he caught her arm.
A pity, replied Nemesis twisting her arm, You might have actually pierced my armour if you had landed that hit. He twisted her arm further, there was an audible snap even through Madam Victim's armour Oh, I broke your arm, he commented dropping her, she could already feel the armour knitting her bones back together, Have you any last words Melissa?
Yes, she replied feeling an electric shock from the mask as it powered up, Override code B4862H, password Jessica! Her voice boomed out from the device on the roof as the LOCA on the roof under Madam Victims control leaped with joy as she watched the bars shift in front of her, her audio input disabled to prevent her from being overrode again.
What have you done? screeched Nemesis his electronically enhanced voice grated loudly and caused heroes all over to wince.
You will only accept orders from me, said Madam Victim her voice still booming as Nemesis advanced, he grabbed her again and pulled her in grasping her head. The LOCAs moved quickly grabbing Nemesis and pulling him back from Madam Victim.
What? Nemesis's voice rang out, You didn't even order them, and why wasn't I told of this override by the LOCAs?
They didn't know, replied Madam Victim, At least not 'consciously', at least as we'd say. And as for the other, even in this state their base programming remains, including the derivative to protect me.
Nemesis roared and flung his arms knocking the LOCAs gripping him away then turned to the LOCAs and yelled, Override code B4862H, password Jessica!
Won't work, replied Madam Victim as Nemesis backed away from the LOCAs, For two reasons, one, it's voice printed to me and me alone, and two, there's three passwords and it rotates whenever one is used.
You are a hero, Nemesis's voice came as close to a growl as his synthesiser allowed, What happened to fighting with honour?
There's fighting with honour, replied Madam Victim, Then there's doing whatever it takes, and you're a fine one to talk about honour.
This is not over, replied Nemesis as he teleported away, I will have vengeance.
What are your orders? asked one of the LOCAs as the heroes around the plaza began asking what was going on.
Connect with main server, replied Madam Victim sitting down, still in shock that she was still here, Synchronise with memory server and download main AI files, then give each of you an individual identifier.
She waited as the LOCA originally in her control drove the van up and helped her into it,
You ok? she asked.
Yeah, replied Madam Victim, It's similar to activating a machine that I'm not sure will blow up.
Well don't faint yet, replied LOCA, The other LOCAs took the order for individual identifiers as one to develop individual personalities to.
And, replied Madam Victim, Let Freedom Corps take care of it for now.
They can't, replied LOCA, They're officially your property.
Move them into the mansion for now, I'll deal with them later.
Difficult, replied LOCA, It could be classed as unlawful imprisonment.
How? asked Madam Victim, You just said they're my property.
Well, replied LOCA nervously, We're technically now a sentient species.
Pardon, replied Madam Victim, What do you mean, sentient species?
Well, we're self aware, and capable of reproducing, replied LOCA, Well building more of ourselves anyway.
But there's only 500 of you, replied Madam Victim the new shock bringing round.
There's species which have less members, replied LOCA, And before you ask, it means you own the latest sentient species on Earth.
So what next? asked Madam Victim as they pulled into the entrance to the base and the lift lowered the van down.
We ask Stephan how to proceed, replied LOCA.
Lots for me to read here and good bits they are too. A few bits from all of the above (4+, 5 and 6):
Why didn't you take the override into account? asked White Thunder starting to come from his daze. Probably a bit more description of Whitey before he says this line would be good. Something to tell the reader that hes started to come around and is listening to them.
I liked the prejudice from Whitey about magical creatures. I cant remember if it was in the previous scene, and excuse a lazy reviewer for not checking, but it was good in this bit. In fact I liked all the conversation between MV and Whitey.
Could there be some report of how things are going in the other fights with the robot armies. Some reason as to why more heroes havent turned up, or the classic, they cant get here in time thing.
I was kind of expecting the final scene to be with Stephan in hospital, but I guess there must be more to the story.
I liked the changing of the password, but there needs to be a reason why MV gets up close to the army. Why didnt she just issue the command from the rooftop? Also, unless Ive missed something, what happened to Nemesis? You could be intending to describe that in the next part, but Id be tempted to just add a little something here. Certainly as a reader I was thinking Id missed something (which, of course, I may well have done 
).
I seem to remember from the other bits that LOCA felt more like a person. In these bots, certainly in the last chapter, she seemed to revert back to just being a robot with a bit of personality and I felt a bit sad about that as I rather liked her. Its a feeling that comes from the things she and MV say. Maybe this is what you intended and maybe my brain is just not remembering the previous bits properly (sorry, being lazy again and not reading back through the other sections), but I felt more attached to her [LOCA] as a character in the earlier bits of the story.
Shout up if that doesnt make sense.
[ QUOTE ]
I liked the prejudice from Whitey about magical creatures. I cant remember if it was in the previous scene, and excuse a lazy reviewer for not checking, but it was good in this bit. In fact I liked all the conversation between MV and Whitey.
[/ QUOTE ]
He didn't show it, but he didn't show it for an IC reason, namely that the camera was rolling. I enjoyed writing conversation between Percy and MV, one of the original scripts actually had her suggesting that LOCA throws him into the army so that she could see there rate of fire. And about his prejudice, he's actually prejudice against anything that isn't White Thunder.
[ QUOTE ]
Could there be some report of how things are going in the other fights with the robot armies. Some reason as to why more heroes havent turned up, or the classic, they cant get here in time thing.
[/ QUOTE ]
Noted for extended version.
[ QUOTE ]
I was kind of expecting the final scene to be with Stephan in hospital, but I guess there must be more to the story.
[/ QUOTE ]
Still bits to sort, Stephan will be making an appearance though.
[ QUOTE ]
I liked the changing of the password, but there needs to be a reason why MV gets up close to the army. Why didnt she just issue the command from the rooftop? Also, unless Ive missed something, what happened to Nemesis? You could be intending to describe that in the next part, but Id be tempted to just add a little something here. Certainly as a reader I was thinking Id missed something (which, of course, I may well have done ).
[/ QUOTE ]
Whoops, meant to explain that one.
[ QUOTE ]
I seem to remember from the other bits that LOCA felt more like a person. In these bots, certainly in the last chapter, she seemed to revert back to just being a robot with a bit of personality and I felt a bit sad about that as I rather liked her. Its a feeling that comes from the things she and MV say. Maybe this is what you intended and maybe my brain is just not remembering the previous bits properly (sorry, being lazy again and not reading back through the other sections), but I felt more attached to her [LOCA] as a character in the earlier bits of the story.
[/ QUOTE ]
I like writing LOCA, main reason being as with her being an AI I can switch personalities as required, this is really just LOCA in her serious mode when she's actually needs to act like a computer. She'll make a return to fun LOCA soon, I promise.
Part 7 - Final Decisions
It was two weeks later, Stephan sat on the sofa, his broken leg in plaster resting on the table, the doctors had told him to stay off it for eight weeks, any instant fix they could do would simply result in it being broken again sooner than necessary or healthy. He picked up one of the sheets on the tray across his legs and examined it carefully.
How's it going? asked Mel for the eighth time that day, she carefully navigated her way around Stephan's leg and sat down.
I'm trying to get an entire new species registered as humans, replied Stephan, An artificial species no less. I'm getting contested at the highest levels of government, not to mention certain commercial interests.
What commercial interests? asked Mel confused.
Crey Industries, replied Stephan, Mel groaned as he carried on, The cybernetics division of Crey Industries would like to examine all the Locbots in order to insure public safety due to them being created by the villain Nemesis.
What's your reply? asked Mel.
Stephan lifted up a tightly bound stack of papers from besides the sofa and placed them next to him.
This, he replied, Psychological profiles by top psychologists, programming examination by Positron and detailed examinations of the physical designs of each Locbot by DATA, all 500 of them, it's about 2000 pages long.
I like, replied Mel smiling.
By the way, replied Stephan, The results for Locbot 500 came out kinda weird, LOCA wants to talk to you about it.
What do you mean weird? asked Mel cautiously.
Go and see, replied Stephan smiling, She's at the mansion.
Won't this hurt our case, replied Mel, I mean didn't you say that if I had contact with them it could damage our case?
If you had contact with them before the assessments were done, replied Stephan patting the stack of papers, The assessments are done Mel, you're permitted contact with them.
All right, replied Mel, I'd best be going.
Don't forget your keys, replied Stephan, Oh and don't freak out when you meet some of them.
Why would I do that? asked Mel as she walked out to Stephan's chuckling.
Mel arrived at her mansion roughly half an hour later and opened the door to a madhouse, LOCAs or Locbots as they preferred to be known as now were everywhere, most had chosen to have human like exteriors and were varying models of human, old, young, white, black, Asian, African, American and European were sitting around laughing, joking, reading and various other activities. Others had opted to keep the robotic look but had gotten rid of the Nemesis style exteriors. But all their attitudes changed when Mel walked through the doors.
Mel looked around the room, there was about 20 to 30 of the Locbots in the room and they all stared at her. Hi, she said meekly.
The Locbots exploded, all of them ran towards her hoarding her at the entrance, each one asking for advice on how to live and what they should do with their lives. Mel backed towards the door feeling for the handle before a loud voice cut through the rabble.
Stop, yelled the voice from the top of the stairs, Mel looked up to see the only LOCA who'd chosen to stay with the body Nemesis had given her, the first one she'd freed from Nemesis's control and the closest to the original. She walked down the stairs glaring as best she could at all the Locbots who'd crowded Mel.
You should all be ashamed of yourselves, she snapped, Melissa is here on important business concerning another of our species, and you crowd her asking petty questions, what is so important that it comes before another of our race? She indicated to Mel to follow her upstairs and walked off, Mel followed quietly feeling the stares of the Locbots follow her. When they were in the lift to her old lab she turned to LOCA.
Enjoying having some power? she asked smiling.
Oh yes, replied LOCA, I can't believe they revere me for being the first free Locbot, it's so much fun, they all do as I say straight away.
So what do you want me for? asked Mel.
First things first, replied LOCA handing Mel a book, This is for you, don't worry about it to much, it's only the first edition.
The Bible of Melissianism, read Mel, First edition. She opened it up and skimmed through it.
Any problems? asked LOCA as they stepped out of the elevator.
A few, replied Mel, Mainly that this is a retelling of what happened two weeks ago...
Most religions claim to be the truth, interrupted LOCA.
It's a little different when said truth is still all over the news, replied Mel, And secondly that I've been proclaimed as the Locbot's goddess.
Did you notice our sources of evil? asked LOCA slyly.
Demon Lord Nemesis is good, but I'd remove the Countess Crey before you go to print, replied Mel, But what's this problem with Number 500?
No personality files, replied LOCA walking over the Locbot laid out on the table, The backups she got were corrupted because the transfer was cut short, she has basic functions, drivers for movement etcetera, but no personality data.
So, replied Mel, Program a new personality, what's so difficult that you had to get me in?
I had an idea, replied the robot, I remembered what your biggest upset about being trapped in that suit was, and thought that I could use 500 to help.
What do you mean? asked Mel.
I thought that you could raise 500 as your own child.
Epilogue The way things are.
5 Months Later
Mel worked at the device on the desk in front of her, Vanguard had recovered it from a Rikti warrior and had sent it for analysis. She carefully used a screwdriver to lever the device apart at the join making a note of the action on the report.
She looked at the interior for a moment before reaching for her visor and putting it on. Magnification x12.0, she muttered as the visor complied and allowed her a closer look at the device.
She continued muttering for several minutes changing the magnification and tint of the visor and making notes of her discoveries until a pair of arms grabbed her from behind and a small voice cried Mummy!
Laura, cried Mel as she turned her head to look at her daughter, she had spent hours in conversation with Positron over Laura's appearance eventually opting to have Catherine's red hair and her mother's eyes. She smiled and stroked her daughters hair before looking around and back at her daughter. Who's down here with you? she asked.
No one, replied Laura, I borrowed Auntie Mandy's key.
You've been naughty Laura, chided Mel, You know you're not allowed down here alone.
I'm not alone, replied Laura, I'm with my mummy.
Mel smiled as she put down her tools, she recalled she'd been busy the last few weeks as the Rikti had been showing new more advanced equipment and Vanguard had sent a lot of it her way. She stood up and turned to Laura.
Let's go upstairs and play Laura, she said holding out her hand, Laura grabbed it and pulled Mel towards the elevator laughing.
In the apartment Stephan sat at the desk, finally getting around to filing the reports for the last five months. He picked up the report of the entire LOCA incident and stared at it, after a few moments of deliberation he lifted up the sheet and placed it inside a thin folder marked Nemesis Failures?
The End?
Human Justice
Part One - The Maestro's Mech
Bluedarky ran, he liked running, it was a good backup plan, especially when his opponent had no exposed skin or stress points, even better when said opponent was a 12ft tall mech, and if said mech was controlled by someone who wanted to ensure that he was in agony before he died then it was possibly the best plan he had.
The Maestro of Mayhem came closer on the mech, unusual for him to use a mech, normally he stuck to magic, or science, or even twisted combinations of the two, an out and out mech actually meant that he was seeing him as a serious threat. He wasn't sure whether to be proud, [censored] off or just plain scared, well defiantly not the latter, the mech was only a minor problem, when Mel and LOCA finally located it's stress point, then it would be scrap, of course, that was providing that it had a large enough stress point for him to impact.
Warehouses, that was another thing, why was he always fighting mechs in warehouses, why never in caves, offices or even outside. He looked at the boxes piled on the large shelves.
LOCA, he said, You online?
Here, replied the AI.
Have the warehouse owners got cover for a 817?
Stock used as projectiles against a robot over 10 foot tall, checking.
Bluedarky heard Amanda chuckle over the radio.
Still can't believe that's actually specified by insurance companies? he asked, How you holding up your end?
Whatever that panel is, it's blocking my powers, she replied, Can't even pick up his thoughts. Where's Marioko when we need her?
MAGI personal request, replied Bluedarky, Worth more than her license to refuse.
More than our butts as well? replied Amanda.
Hey, replied a new voice, It's not as though it's you two against that mech alone.
Yeah, lookout, here comes Black Cat Neko to save the day, replied Amanda sarcastically, Why do you even bring her Blue?
She can be useful, replied Bluedarky, How long before you revert Neko?
10 minutes give or take, replied Neko, Definitely 5 at most before it begins.
Bluedarky tested the weight of the stock whilst waiting for LOCA's reply, he was waiting silently a few moments later when his earpiece buzzed.
LOCA? he asked under his breath.
Online, replied LOCA, Mel says she'll be a few minutes with the results, but they have protection for an 817.
Bluedarky smiled and gripped one of the larger crates, bent his knees and carefully heaved the crate above his head, the HMD in his sunglasses began showing warning signs about the strain he was putting on his muscles acting as a replacement for his inability to feel pain. The mech noticed him and turned towards him. Using all the strength he could muster he threw the crate at the mech and watched satisfied as it smashed into the mech crushing it between the wall and the crate. He smiled smugly as he watched the mech explode and began to move towards it to grab the Maestro from the wreckage as his earpiece buzzed.
Stephan stop! yelled Mel.
What is it? asked Bluedarky slightly annoyed.
I couldn't find a stress point but I know who built the mech, she replied.
You couldn't identify it ten minutes ago, replied Bluedarky, What's changed?
I identified what it's made from, came the reply. Bluedarky became aware of a ticking noise from the wreckage like a stuck gear and began to come to a realisation.
What is it? he replied, What's it made from?
Brass, replied Mel.