pretty good pious, there are some interesting plot ideas here that could easily be developed, with some nice turn of phrase. A couple of typos, but that's the pedant in me 
One thing I would say that I think would improve your story, is pacing - reading it I found the pace quite breathless, as if they were rushing through their little diatribe. Consider breaking up the pace, slowing it down in places to create tension, then speeding up to add drama.
Keep it up!
hehe! cheers.
will do... captain
This actually isn't all that bad. It's another background summary, not an actual story, but the conversational method works for those.
The only real criticism I'd have is, why is this Anna person just standing there letting him talk if they're obviously enemies? He comes across as very threatening, and you give Anna no chance to speak or defend herself. She comes across as not really a character at all, just a thing to be spoken to.
i'm [censored] myself laughing man. (not literally ¬¬)
ya... both stories are indeed background summaries extended 
... all this crit makes me wanna write the actual stories... :O
right.. i will pencil down both ur pointers and get on with it ... bye for now.
by the way.. you said you were an aspiring writer.. if i remember correctly? do u have anything i cud read... more inspiration the better.. i've actually fallen out of practice.. haven't done creative writing since secondary and that was four years ago.. hmm *fingers crossed you like what I have coming*
man.. me is happy u guys like these *background summaries*
i'll get writing and quit complaining about Zortek's feedback hmm... shud *not* have mentioned that.. edit it then.. no *you* edit it.. no *you* edit it.. stop fighting with yourself..peter, you're going crazy.. no *you're going crazy*
me loco
i'm [censored] myself laughing man. (not literally ¬¬)
ya... both stories are indeed background summaries extended ... all this crit makes me wanna write the actual stories... :O
right.. i will pencil down both ur pointers and get on with it ... bye for now.
by the way.. you said you were an aspiring writer.. if i remember correctly? do u have anything i cud read... more inspiration the better.. i've actually fallen out of practice.. haven't done creative writing since secondary and that was four years ago.. hmm *fingers crossed you like what I have coming*
man.. me is happy u guys like these *background summaries*
i'll get writing and quit complaining about Zortek's feedback hmm... shud *not* have mentioned that.. edit it then.. no *you* edit it.. no *you* edit it.. stop fighting with yourself.. peter, you're going crazy.. no *you're* going crazy. ouch. what u push me for? .. hush, u hit me first!
me loco
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The only real criticism I'd have is, why is this Anna person just standing there letting him talk if they're obviously enemies?...
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Yeah.. I became rather undecisive on the structure, I wanted a 'monologue' but also didn't want to loose the expectant pauses.. so ya, in this installment Anna is indeed there just to be spoken onto.. the next installment will most likely focus on Anna and in some places use Jackson in this same way (..as an object to act to, I think there is a term for this, it escapes me ... bahh!) would anyone advise against this? if so, any suggestions?
By the way, the previous post seems to have been doubled.. I meant to *edit* it but looks like it went wrong.. my bad. Read the second one (edited version) and ignore the first if you can.
Edit: Me really likes my new Avatar-thingy.. i've copied Wordmaker and used my favourite comicbook character... although I made the background on Photoshop. this one works better than my old one.. and i felt the need for a change. *cough*
if only, like capes, we could have wings *gazes away dreamily*
:O me is now a Recruit, woohoo! many stories later and me will become a Legend. mwuahahahha.
Anna leapt back, narrowly escaping a sudden strike of his claws but Jackson was swift; he sped forward and cornered her onto a wall adjacent to the windows. Urn, an involuntary noise came from her mouth, the darkened room flashed bright white and Anna realised, clutching at her stomach, that shed been wounded. A blurred scurry of swipes shredded her corset, she looked up into Jacksons face, and noticed his eyes glow red. He drew back his right arm gathering power.
Deja vu
The two words rang through her head triggering a flashback of their first encounter. It was late night, at the Wachenski Institute of Scientific Exploration. Anna was in the theatre, accompanied by fellow graduate David Civil. She had her research on Cryogenics positioned specifically where shed need it the following morning. Her presentation would be observed by very important scientists, members of the WISE research committee and not to mention the very investors who fund the study. Many of whom would be close friends of her father. Shed been practicing her speech with David acting as audience and was now demonstrating the effects of the wonder-chemical Acton 88.
This substance can freeze living tissue without causing damage or side-effects to the body. David, If the human body could be frozen and preserved safely over a long period... the world could postpone lifetimes, iconic figures could be stored away, memories literally archived... the possibilities are endless.
Youve done it Anna, I knew you could said David, standing up and stretching. He grabbed his coat and climbed down the auditorium.
Dear me, will you look at the time? Sorry to have kept you here so late.
Hey now Anna, dont give me the apologies, I love spending time with you. A genius like yourself, you inspire me.
Oh stop it. Hows your dad? David seemed to loose his posture upon mention of his father, but regained himself quickly; he picked up his hat, gave Anna a friendly kiss on her left cheek and left the room.
Great work Anna, way to go, bringing up bad news she tells herself, tidying up the lecture area all the while. Hows your dad? she quotes herself, slipping the tiny beaker of Acton 88 into her bag. Well apart from the Tsoo slicing up his arms, crushing his spinal cord and leaving him for dead, hes fine. Yeah thanks for asking she said, a mixture of sarcasm and frustration in her voice. Suddenly, a loud noise from downstairs made her jump. It sounded like a small explosion. What in gods name? Theres defiantly no-one here but me. David? David is that you? she called out, to no response. Strapping her bag over her right shoulder, Anna flicked a switch on the wall and the lights went out. She entered the hallway, locking the lecture room behind her.
Well, well, what a lucky surprise. Startled by the voice, Anna wheeled round so fast her bag was sent swinging under her arm. If I didnt know any better, Id say you were waiting for us. A dozen men blocked the hallway. They were uniformed; some were making threatening gestures, pounding their fists against their palms. Anna was terrified, trapped at the far end of a long hallway; she was cornered and suddenly felt claustrophobic.
Who are you? Identify yourselves immediately! she said, hoping to have come across authoritative and unafraid.
Anna Kelvinova the same man spoke again, he took two steps forward and Anna gave in involuntary shudder. Daughter of the millionaire, Dr. Bladikauld Kelvinova; your father runs a nice err
research facility. Nowhere near the standards of the Crey Industry but hey, we *are* a monopoly. He chuckled, from behind a mask.
She felt insulted, intimidated, her fear was quickly evaporating, replaced by a reckless anger. Crey Industries are nothing but a firm of criminals and lunatics, and judging by your quay spandex and yellow masks you would be the so-called Paragon Protectors. You misfits are nothing but a bunch of brainwashed lab-rats and youre trespassing on my territory. I advise you leave, before I call the police.
My, my doctor, such hostility
That time of the month?
Some of the men laughed, and Anna realised that they were in fact teenagers, she was in her mid-twenties and yet here she was, being threatened by a bunch of Kids. Thats all you are, nothing but a bunch of drug-induced, over-grown kids!
Calm down doctor, please. Were protectors of the City, our mission here is to confiscate Acton 88 and shut down WISE labs immediately. This new chemical of yours poses a viral threat to the people of Paragon; were putting a stop to it before it causes any harm.
A second voice came from behind, with a menacing swagger, he too stepped forward Weve searched the labs downstairs and found nothing! You have a whole batch of samples! Where are you hiding them? You better give us what we want doctor; we have authorization to use all force necessary and I am *fast* loosing patience.
No. No, thats a lie! Acton 88 is a perfectly *safe* biological matter. She paused, the thought of loosing her project tore at her heart; she had worked so hard to perfect the formula, her hands clutched at the bag, protecting the fragile beaker inside. The chemical had become a part of her, a physical manifestation of all her dreams, and tomorrow was going to be her moment of truth; a chance to make her father proud, to prove herself, as a true expert in her field. Why are you doing this? Please, please just
just leave me. I have a presentation tomorrow and if Crey Industries are interested in my findings, theyre perfectly welcome to attend
her voice trailed off. She knew all too well that these were criminals and there would be no negotiating. The thieves were here and they showed no interest in leaving. Suddenly overcome, Anna lost her pride and fell her knees, crying, pleading in-between sobs. You dont understand, this is my *work*. My fath-
Just tell us where it is.
She ignored him; with her minds eye, she planned an escape. It was risky, but its all she could do. Over my dead body she said, more to herself than anything. Climbing back onto her feet, she held her breath, kicked off her hind-legs and dashed at narrow opening in the mob, only to receive a stab from behind.
The pain was unimaginable, time seemed to have stopped and an eerie silence filled the hallway. Three steel 'claws' sat, rather decisively in her chest. It had penetrated through her spinal column narrowly missing her heart and exiting her chest with a splash of blood. Without warning, the masked thief retracted his weapon and Anna collapsed, bleeding heavily onto the cold floor.
"Gather *anything* chemical and burn this place down!
She was left to die, her lab-coat splayed across the polished marble hall, all her life shed studied bio-chemistry with her dad as a personal mentor, and now, at the pinnacle of her achievements, it all came crashing down, her life would end this midnight hour. In the distance, the thieves were scurrying in and out of rooms. The killer stopped for a moment and looked towards Anna; a lifeless silhouette at the end of the hall, drenched in a swelling pool of deep red blood. Through a window high up on the wall, moonlight pierced the darkness. It swept past the man, leaving him in the shadows and spotlighted the body. The blood shone and Annas coat glowed white, from the shadows, the murderer drew a satisfying breath, drawing a mental picture.
- To be concluded -
Based on the Origins of Delta T by Colin Wachenski and the Origins of Claw by Peter Craftsman.
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I travelled through Talos and headed for Brickstown; I'd heard of this organization called Hero Corps, thought maybe they could help me become a hero just like Sinn and Pious, Mum and Dad, but I was wrong.
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Spot the error?
I meant Crey Industries... not Hero Corps. 
no idea why i typed hero corps *smacks head*
Would that be cos you were talking to me half the night, whilst trying to write that 
yes.
so where is this "feedback" *looks around the room* 
i was looking at forum descriptions and noticed that 'Creative' is where fiction goes... should I stop posting stories on *here*?
It's good, a couple of grammatical errors, but really nothing serious to 'break' the story. I'm not sure about Paragon Protectors being kids/teenagers, but then again, I suppose Crey would use them as well. I have always thought of PP's as being rather silent, authoritive types too, rather than the type to make crude jokes, but that's just me.
Also, if the stories are posted in Creative, you are likely to get more feedback from others, as not everyone who reads the Creative Section bothers with our little Roleplaying section. 
Indeed, meant to point you in the direction of creative myself (curse this memory!).
I think this continuation shows some distinct improvement in the pacing of the tale, and more consistency to the approach. I also loved the name of her father Bladikald(?). I have no idea how you came up with that, but I love it!
Keep going!
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I have always thought of PP's as being rather silent, authoritive types too, rather than the type to make crude jokes, but that's just me.
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actually, you're right. after further research, it appears Paragon Protectors are indeed genetically enhanced clones (seemingly without personailty) manufactured from the DNA of dead heroes.. i will amend my story. they use terms like 4th Generation PP or i think... 5th Generation sometimes.. i will look into this more b'cos Jackson's faction of PP's may be a 6th Generation.. having been investigated and exposed, Crey Industries are forced to use 'willing' live subjects for body enhancement... something they'll regret as you'll find out in the next few installments
cheers for the kind feedbacks. i apreciate them alot! also, I have posted an 'edited' version of the story thus far, onto the Creative forums and I think its coming along ok.. people are reading it it's titled Assassin's Claw. i'll be updating both threads... oh, and my third installments is drafted (hehe. i penciled it down on my train journey this afternoon). i will post it later tonight after dinner.. i'm rather excited b'cos i think the Part 3 will shock people and Part 4 (still taking form in my mind)will surprise people.. *fingers crossed*
hmm.. and maybe i should warn people of the contents to come.. it gets rather.. *rude*. hehe.
are there like any rules i should be aware of concerning this? i guess i'd just have to post it and see what gets censored. hehe. it probably wont be a big deal.
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I also loved the name of her father Bladikald(?). I have no idea how you came up with that, but I love it!
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*rubs back of neck in embarassment* erm.. actually that bit was Colin's creativity.. 
hehe. nah. i'm not gonna take credit for his part.. (although the stories here are my work, Delta T's origins were formed in a collaboration of 'creativity' between Colin and I. . )
hehe. having said that, knowing him... i'd suspect Bladikauld = Bloodycold. haha.
Right, I've censored it the best I can, but i'm hesitating to post it... I'll send it in PM's and see if it's too hott (rude) for forum... in which case i'd better change the ending.
I've read the PM you sent me.
I refuse to comment on it here.
Change it.
Weve searched everywhere. Nothing
Burn it down, the voice came from the shadows; its orator stepped out, a look of deep-seated anger etched on his mask. It appeared failure was something he wasnt used to. Burn it all down.
Moments later, the hallway was up in smoke. Flames roared here and there, spreading across the ceiling. Anna could only wonder how itll end; would the walls cave in on her? Maybe the fire would engulf her whole or perhaps she would eventually bleed to death. With all the strength she could muster, she looked up at the flames closing in on her. The sample of Acton 88 in her bag was growing colder under the rising heat. The snake-skin material had rapidly iced-over and Anna couldn't make sense of it; she produced the liquid and witnessed as it froze solid.
With the beaker gradually slipping through her fingers, Anna closed her eyes in acceptance of her end. The rock solid bio-chemical fell to the ground as though in slow motion, shattering on impact. Fire caught the pieces mid-air and the two compounds reacted in a massive explosion. The blast sent Annas body crashing through the exterior walls and into the midnight air, where she remained
hovering!
Anna snapped awake and Jackson was still there drawing his right arm far back over his shoulder, gathering power like a catapult. It seemed only seconds had passed during her sudden wave of neural information.
Survive this!
With that, Jackson let rip a lighting-fast slash; his claws shot through the air, directly at Annas face. A blur of movement and Jackson found his claws hedged into the concrete wall right where Anna had stood. He spun around, frantically searching the room; he attempted to free his arm to no success. Hed struck with tremendous might and was now stuck. Anna uncloaked behind him, a glimmering sword of razor-sharp ice pointed at Jacksons head.
I could kill you, right here, right now. And I would be justified in doing so.
Empty words doctor.
Youve tried to kill me on more than one occasion as it stands. What makes you think I wouldnt defend myself?
On the off-chance that you defeat me Anna, the worst you can do is issue an arrest. You heroes are pathetic.
You dreamt of becoming one; like Pious. Hes worried about you, you know; and he to has joined the Covenant. Will you assassinate your own brother?
Without hesitation
Lies!
Dont be fooled Anna, you are an attractive woman, Pious isnt. I admit, a part of me wants to know you
and thats the only reason were having this little chat.
What has happened to you Jack? Take a look at yourself. Youve become a pet, a lab-rat, a slave to thos-
Suddenly, Jackson swung out his left arm in a wide arc, hitting Anna square across her jaw-line with the back of his fist. Shut up! He knocked her clear off her feet; her hood flew off and revealed a pale face with long brown hair. She wore a stylish eye-mask and from behind it, her skin glowed, her eyes widening in shock as she hit the window ledge. Several shards of glass broke off and came crashing down at a frightening speed. One anchored Annas hair onto the wooden ledge, another landed onto her right hand, nailing it onto the floorboards. Several other shards landed around her, shattering as they hit the floor.
Why did you come here? his voice was cold, his eyes glowing ever so red. He yanked his arm free of the wall, pulling a block of concrete with it. He smashed the block with a fist, creating a cloud of dust as he paced across the room. He bent low over Annas wounded stomach, and whispered into her ear. You came to kill me? To avenge your death?
No. I came to help you. She paused, carefully observing Jacksons reactions. You wanted to be a hero Jack
its not too late. Pious loves you; youre his brother and he cares for you. Join us, join the Covenant and become a hero, with your powers, your abilities, you can help the people. A long silence followed, and Anna hoped to have reached him.
Slowly, he stood up, standing high over her. He glared at her for a long while, a strange expression drawn on his black head-mask. He appeared confused, shocked. No more commands, youll be free to do good; match your strength against evil and help us stop organisations like Crey Industries. I dont know if youre aware of this but the 5th Generation Paragon Protectors were clones, manufactured from the DNA of dead heroes
they were soon stopped; heroes around the City rose against them and uncovered their vile experiments. They reverted to willing hosts, live subjects in search of power, like you. Theyre just using you Jack
like a slave.
Jackson knew this, and he suddenly felt ashamed, exposed. Hed been living in denial, serving those he accepted as master. He looked straight into Annas eyes and hated himself for what he had done; so he turned around and made for door.
Youre not a dog, Jack.
Her words stopped him in his tracks, he felt angry; a part of him wanted to hit her for being so smart. But she was right and he knew it.
Youre bleeding pretty bad, doctor. He spoke to door, Get yourself fixed. And with that, he was gone.
Anna felt weak, her body was limp and all she could remember was her promise to Pious. No, Ill go. I think I can get through to him. Ill bring him to us, I promise. Besides, we have unfinished business. Shed lost a lot of blood, and the cut to her stomach left her with a nasty hole in the torso. The swipes to her chest also had her pretty scared. She remembered the stab from the back only three months ago, back then, Acton 88 saved her life; her exposure to the chemical reaction had mutated her genes, giving her superhuman abilities. But fire blasts and ice manipulation couldnt save her here
she would die of her wounds in this dilapidated room. It was an hour past midnight and Jacksons words rang through her head.
Déjà vu
Based on the Origins of Delta T by Colin Wachenski and the Origins of Claw by Peter Craftsman.
I want to publically thank Max, Captain Morgan and especially Wordmaker for rightly advicing against the original ending. I hope you like the alternative.
Much better.
Yep, a definite improvement on the original. Always remember, violence doesn't have to be extreme to have an effect on the reader.
Not a problem. I'm glad you chose to use the PM route, I think it helped!
Onto the story - agree with max and wordy that it is much better this way. I'm starting to be intrigued by how this is going to progress, (and I'm very picky ) and a little inspired to write something myself.
To the writing pad!
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Much better
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thanks man.
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violence doesn't have to be extreme to have an effect on the reader
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too right.
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I'm glad you chose to use the PM route
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and a damn good thing too! imagine wat cudhav happend to my thread.. :O my beloved story!
i do NOT want it locked. :cry:
having said that, what if someone other than the OP posts something rude.. will the thread still risk being banned?
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I'm starting to be intrigued by how this is going to progress, (and I'm very picky ) and a little inspired to write something myself.
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yay! looking forward ta seeing ur stories and i'm v happy ur intrigued... i think you'll like what happens next.
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To Be Concluded
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NOT.
... however, i'm gonna take a short break after the 4th or 5th installment to focus on my comics.. issue #1 has been held up from its completion for so long the roleplayers involved are loosing patience. lol. i'm gonna post some videos now.. both in creative and RP section i think. it'll be titled 'Heroes of the Covenant'
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and a damn good thing too! imagine wat cudhav happend to my thread.. :O my beloved story!
i do NOT want it locked. :cry:
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Actually, the un-edited version would have definitely been deleted, not merely locked, and I can imagine some kind of disciplinary action such as account banning, suspension, or at the -very- least, a warning woulkd have been given.
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having said that, what if someone other than the OP posts something rude.. will the thread still risk being banned?
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I think you need to pick a different phrase other than "rude," which really does not cover the depths of your original version.
But, to answer your question, individual posts which a moderator decides are inappropriate for the forums can be deleted. The side-effect of this, is that any posts along the chain of replies to that specific post will also be lost.
An apartment block seemingly derelict in the east-end of Kings Row. Through broken windows and shattered glass, two hooded figures could barely be made out. They stood, talking. The male voice was cold and unremorseful, even the way he stood gave an air of arrogance.
The name is Jackson, but you can call me Claw. Didnt have much of a chance to get acquainted last time, did we?
You know, a long time ago I was nothing, quite literally. I was the 'ordinary' little boy in a mutant family. My brothers saw me as a freak and pretended I never even existed. My father, the great Knight of Old Oxford still doesn't know my name. My mother spent all her time in the netherworld, teaching little Dante how to do magic. I had twin brothers with naturally opposing mutations; Jason had ice in his genes and Sinn could throw fire they never stopped fighting. Pious, the illusionist, he was invisible but they could see him right through me.
Eventually, I ran away. Left the Row, and wondered the streets of Eastgate for a while. Surprisingly, the trolls took me in and saw me as one of them. They fed me up to my nose with superadine and now I regenerate so fast, I can barely feel pain. Till today, I regret helping Grendel 'decorate' "The Hollows" but hey, I was young and foolish.
I developed a thirst for street fighting and a strong urge to prove myself, to champion the most powerful. When I began to loath the Outcast for no apparent reason, it became clear that Id spent far too long amidst the Trolls; ugly green dimwits were defiantly not in my chapter. I needed bigger schemes and new challenges but quiting the group wasnt easy. Atta had me fight Frostfire and I lost on several occasions. Frosty alone taught me many defensive skills, including one I like to call Integration.
At any rate, defeating the Outcasts elite boss earned me my ticket out of Eastgate. I travelled through Talos and headed for Brickstown; I'd heard of this organization called Hero Corps, thought maybe they could help me become a hero just like Sinn and Pious, Mum and Dad, but I was wrong. I was deceived. Hero Corps fitted me with a glistening steel skeletal framework and sent me on trial. They put me in charge of a group of equally stupid teenagers and sent us to "Steal or Destroy Acton 88". That's where I met you. I killed you doctor, but you didn't die.
Jackson waits expectantly for a response but she said nothing. He carried on.
So here I am Anna, still a Paragon Protector. I've risen in rank since we last met; I am now a Lieutenant, an assassin. You are leader of this so called Covenant and my mission is to wipe you all out.
"Vixen fell to my claws, Y.Freeza couldn't avoid his demise and I killed Xyneohp outright. I've read up on you Anna. You call yourself Delta T because the Acton 88 chemical made you... I made you. [Jackson smirks] How does that make you feel Anna?
Jackson waits again, to no response
Answer me!
He lunges at her, claws outstretched