I played through the first chapter. Just a few points:
- The inserts you have in a couple lines are distracting from the sentence structure. "*a slow creepy smile crosses mako's face*. I'd move them to the end of the sentence and perhaps change them to another color.
- You have a number of spelling/capitalization/punctuation errors throughout the first mission
- An AV ally is a bit overkill. Edit: Not sure, but there might be an EB version of GW.
- I'd break out the patrols and give each one different text. Nobody wants to hear the same comedic text repeatedly.
- I found a note at the end. Yet the popup says Psyche "told me" where to find Castle.
- The mission objective said "Kill All", but the mission ended when I defeated Psyche. It's possible she might have been the last mob, but if not, I'd make the objective text "Defeat Sister Psyche". I'd avoid kill alls whenever possible.
- Sister Psyche telling fish jokes? Um, ok. Might want to put a disclaimer that not only is this a comedy arc, but also somewhat cheesy comedy. 
This arc has potential, just needs some polishing.
131430 Starfare: First Contact
178774 Tales of Croatoa: A Rose By Any Other Name ( 2009 MA Best In-Canon Arc ) ( 2009 Player Awards - Best Serious Arc )
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Fish good.
Will fight evil for fish.
Will gank Captain Mako for free.
<_<
>_>
Ultimate fish lover, my eye.
Are you tired of casting your line, and catching red herrings?
Floundering around trying to find a good story arc?
This is no bait and switch people, this is the reel deal!
Find out who is behind the nefarious scheme to keep Fish Melee from going public!
Or try it just for the Halibut!
The Quest for Fish Melee ARC 99058
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