((Ill explain a little bit of RP story now, its a BIT diffrent than the story.))
7 Years Earlier
Paragon was a large, wealthy place. Yet it was still in construction. Someone near the hero of the present was alive... His name was Jherico. Jherico was a well-known hunter, AKA bounty hunter. Jherico had a sword, and two pistols. In the present, he may be useful...
2 Years Earlier
Five years pass, and Paragon is finished. But not completly. There are parts still in construction. Villans grow. More villan groups form. And worst of all, things started to get strange...
People were mysteriously vanishing in mid-air, and I don't mean from the streets, being kidnapped by... something. People would look back one second, and without warning, the person beside you is gone.
Present
The mayhem has began. The demons have started to kill. Now they don't just kidnap... they kill people whole. They have unconcealed themselves. Now they are everywhere. ((Oh, here is a hint. Basically, unless you mention a time change in story, your wherever the story is, alright?))
((Come on, join in anytime... Why is every RP I make unsucsessful?))
OOC:
I was originally going to keep my big mouth shut on this one, but since you actually asked, I'm feeling I should try and help here. Be warned, however, that I am going to be perfectly honest with you and that past this line you're likely to run into some harsh criticism. If you don't deal well with that, I recommend you not read on.
You write badly. Very badly. Sorry to be so blunt, but there's no other way for me to put this if I'm going to be honest with you. Not only is your grammar a mess, but you're just tossing things out there half-done and expecting people to understand what you mean.
When I started reading your story, I got to all of the first few lines of the second paragraph before I got bored. Yes, bored. The second time I started reading, I got to the end of your first post before I just couldn't go on anymore. I had no idea who Jemmy was, what he looked like, or how he conducted himself around others. In short, all I got was that he was some human around14, and nothing in your writing let me know (or made me want to know) anything more about him.
So first, I was turned away by your story because of it's poor quality. Without reading the story, I of course had no idea what was happening here, and you provided nothing to draw my interest in your first post.
Then came your second post. So I looked in here again, and see you'd written a few more tidbits of information - which were once more written very poorly.
Large, wealthy, and under construction was all you provided for my mind to set up the scene. In short, I got nil. What did Paragon look like at the time? Were people bustling about everywhere or sticking to certain parts? Did the noise of construction machinery fill the air day and night? Was it dusty and gritty, or clean and well-kept? You provided no imagery whatsoever. Now sure, I could imagine 'large, wealthy, under construction' myself, but the image I'd end up with would be readically different from the image you started with.
Then you introduce Jherico as a bounty hunter with a sword and pistols. There you stop. Again, I have no idea who this guy is, what he looks like, nor have you provided any reason for him to hold my interest. Was he an honorable hunter or a killer in it for the money? Did he hunt because it's what he liked or because he wanted danger to run away from his past? You gave nothing to do on, and ended up with yet another, "here's some guy", just like you did with Jemmy. Sorry to say, but "some guy" doesn't draw me into a story.
Let's move on. So people started vanishing, just like that. Okay, mildly interesting, got some mystery, and...that was it. People started vanishing. No imagery if the act of disappearance at all. Did they scream when they vanished, or did they drop off the face of the planet in spooky silence? Was it random or only in certain areas? What did Paragon's heroes and the PPD do to react? Once more, you gave no mention at all of this, and the image you tried to convey never appeared.
Again, moving on. So now demons are attacking...and that's it again. No image, no description whatsoever. I have nothing to go on to imagine the world you're envisioning here. In short, I've got a blank canvas and no paint.
Now then, you probably know that when you read a good book, the text becomes more than just a collection of words. It forms images in your mind, and instead of seeing letters and numbers, you see a whole world being painted before your very eyes.
When I read your stuff, all I see are words. Cold, unmoving, lifeless words.
And that is why I have not joined this RP.
Now that you know what (in my opinion) you did wrong, here are some suggestions that might help you improve:
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1. Grammar. Good grammar is essential to written story. If people have a hard time reading your work, they're not going to stick around and keep reading. Reading a story should be fun and engaging, not something the reader needs to work at. Also, avoid switching from past to present tense in the middle of your writing. If at first something "happened" and then "happens", readers will get confused. Pick one tense and stick with it.
Example: "The mayhem has began."
Began should be begun.
Example: "Five years pass, and Paragon is finished. But not completly. There are parts still in construction. Villans grow. More villan groups form. And worst of all, things started to get strange..."
Pass, is, are, grow, form - all present tense. Started - past tense. Avoid using these interchangeably. Also, "in construction" should be "under construction". Some spelling errors too.
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2. Format. Format is very important. Paragraphs are your friends. They keep pieces of writing neatly organized, allowing the reader to readily absorb the information within. You ram too many things into a single paragraph to deal with, especially in the written coversations in your story. Nobody has any idea when one person stops talking and another one starts.
There are two easy guidelines to avoid this:
-- 1) Each paragraph should contain one complete thought. It may contain more than one, but never less. There are exceptions to this, but if you follow this rule, even you will find your own writing much easier to read.
-- 2) In a written conversation, each time the speaker switches, you should start a new paragraph. This makes it easy to differentiate who is currently talking.
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3. Literary elements. You wrote somewhere, "now you know the setting." No, I do not. You never established a setting. A setting must have at least some concrete description that nails down what it looks like. If I tell you "on a big rock" a the setting for something, you have no idea if it's day or night, what color the rock is, how tall and wide it is, what its surroundings are, if there is wind, et cetera, et cetera.
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4. The 4th wall. The 4th wall is a term used to describe the separation between the story and the reader. In general, unless you are writing the story from a first person view, you should never put in stuff like "I don't mean". Use an observer's point of view instead, like "that didn't mean". In addition, unless there is some manner of absolute need to do this, never ever address the reader directly. In other words, never use "you" unless one character in your story is talking to another.
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5. Impact. Your words need to leave an impact with the reader; otherwise you will lose (or never gain) the reader's interest. Statements like, "People would look back one second, and the next, boom, the person beside you is gone." (aside from the "you" in there) won't draw anyone in. "Boom" is something you'd say in a casual conversation, not something in a work of literature. You need something more powerful, yet at the same time completely distanced, like "without any warning at all". Also, you need more powerful words. "gone" simply doesn't cut it, as it doesn't gather any interest in this context. "vanished into the grim thick of night without even the slightest trace", now that is a phrae with powerful impact that will intrigue the reader (in the right context) and prompt said reader to keep reading.
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In conclusion, your writing style needs work. A lot of work. Mind you, I'm not saying "get out" here. You just need to improve. Take a good book or two and read through them. See what the authors have done to capture your interest. Examine how they describe things, how their words come to life as images in your mind. Once you understand this, writing your own works well will become very simple.
P.S.: Another good way to write better is to just scribble something down, then examine it. Ask yourself, "If I hadn't written this, could I clearly see the image here just from these words?"
"If I had Force powers, vacuum or not my cape/clothes/hair would always be blowing in the Dramatic Wind." - Tenzhi
Characters
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OOC:
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5. Statements like, "People would look back one second, and the next, boom, the person beside you is gone." (aside from the "you" in there) won't draw anyone in. "Boom" is something you'd say in a casual conversation, not something in a work of literature. You need something more powerful, yet at the same time completely distanced, like "without any warning at all".
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OOC: Bah, I knew I was doing something wrong. 
((Ah! Mass confusion! Oh, I see. Yeah, you have a good point there. Ill be sure to edit that post.))
((Hmm. I wanted to mention. My grammer isn't bad. I'm just not in the mood for storyline and everything. I find that as an insult, because I am just trying to get into/make an RP for once. I thank you for noticing, but, this usually happens with anything I start. I have to mention I am making a novel myself, it's not nearly as bad as this.))
OOC:
Oddly, I like that Sig... >_>
Y'know... It's all, siggy, and stuff.
...
Oh, and just an add-on to what Acid said:
All you are missing is details. Grammar you could actually fix easily!
"But how, Mrs. Protato Head?"
It is really quite easy! Head over to Microsoft word and make your post there. When you are done, read over your post and correct anything it underlines or may have missed. If you feel that is too much work, pass your post over to me (Via PM) and I can attempt to correct it from there. Just remember, I'm not that reliable, but at least having an extra proof-reader can make things easier in the end.
And another thing. Try adding humor in your posts! Now, I'm not NEARLY as good as Grey or Prodiguy (I miss him... 
), but I try my best. Oh, how I remember when I joined Diov's Flat World... I tried to be funny by adding a random nude fire blaster in to the post. Weeks later, I asked myself if I was drunk that day.
Edit: If you DO send me a Proof-read PM, do it on the weekends. My new job hates me, and, as a result, must only visit the forums on Saterdays, and sometimes Sundays.
((OOC))
Warning, what I'm about to say is also going to come across as harsh criticism. If you do not wish to hear any of it, then please disregard this post.
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((Hmm. I wanted to mention. My grammer isn't bad. I'm just not in the mood for storyline and everything. I find that as an insult, because I am just trying to get into/make an RP for once. I thank you for noticing, but, this usually happens with anything I start. I have to mention I am making a novel myself, it's not nearly as bad as this.))
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If you really want to get involved into an RP thread or even start one on your own then I believe that some effort needs to regards to grammar and sentience structure. Honestly, if you show no effort then no one is really going want to engage in the story because nothing is going to draw them in.
I like to give some constructive comments about the story, since this thread made reference to that. There are two things (both work hand-in-hand) that is missing from the story: 1) Realism and 2) Attention to detail.
Simply put, without any realism, you risk alienating your readers because they're simply going to say 'WTF' and put the story down. You have to make the story realistic. Granted, in City of Heroes/Villains you people running (or flying) and shooting laser out of their eyes. Things like that are going to be unrealistic, but what needs to be realistic... well, what you need to remember is that everything that happens should have a logical consequence.
For example, in the first chapter you mention that Jemmy was a trouble-maker who burned down his mother's house and often been an accomplish for the Hellions. Yet, he was never arrested for these crimes? The worst that happened that he not allowed to leave the home without supervision (which asks the question who always watched him and why are they unable to stop him from causing trouble: that's attention to detail).
That first example is minor, thus it's not a big deal. When you something major happen that's meant to 'shock' the reader and it ends up being unrealistic, you end up with a complete mess of things. That came up when you decided to have these 'Fire Demons' just go out and destroy three city zones with no detail. How can everyone in three zones just die like that and the only it's even mentioned as a rumor from a Longbow Agent. You have to think about just what it'll take to kill everyone in those zones (each roughly two mile wide), how long it'll take to pull it off, and you have to remember that heroes like Miss Liberty and Positron will not be twiddling their thumbs while their town is being snuffed.
Something that major and catastrophic needs to given some thought. That's attention of detail. Going back to the attack which destroyed three zones. Something like that will not just happen in the blink of an eye, a lot of little things are going to happen between now and then before. If going to take time for any number of demons to actually hunt down and kill everyone in a city block. Meanwhile these people are going to try to hide and call for help, which will being the heroes' attention. If the local heroes cannot contain them, then the higher level heroes will be called. Law enforcement officials will try to evacuate civilians from the area and emergency broadcasts will flood the airwaves (I mean, all my radio channels get spammed whenever the Ritki would litter Steel Canyon)... and so things will go from there. Basically it means 'show don't tell'.
Hopefully, I didn't ramble too much. However, I felt that this needed to be said because I find it be very important to keep this stuff in mind when you're writing.
((Alllright, I have come to the decision to make an RP out of my story. I would read what was in my old story, The Night Sky. Oh, in the beginning, there was a mistake, it was in Paragon, not London. Anyways, here are the rules.
1. No godmoding
2. Make your own name, not something allready used
eg. Harry Potter. (This includes similar names changed by a few letters)
3. Read the story on my forums to understand storyline!
4. Try and stay alive in this RP, and have fun!))