Not sure where to post this so.... (long)

Im thinking of sending in the story of Lara Meadows for my fan fiction and need the help of others. When I read it the story sounds right in my head but would like others to proof read it for me. Thanks for any help. (please be kind)

The Story of Lara Meadows


Lara Meadows grew up knowing one thing in her life, everyone was better than her. She struggled as a child to feel unique and special but soon the world crushed those hopes and dreams. Reality has a way of making you understand your place in this world and by the time she was 18 she knew what it was, she was less than zero.

Lara had very few friends growing up, the few friends she did have were nothing more than polite strangers. Lara finished high school with little distraction however she could not continue to college because the only family she knew, an aunt, grew very ill. Lara only knew her mother died while giving birth to her and knows nothing of her father. She got a dead end job after high school to help pay the bills while what few acquaintances she had moved on better things. Her ambition has turned to desperation.

Over the next few years she watched as her aunt slowly died and each day she died herself. She simply could not handle all that life was dealing to her. She had nothing and life still took more and more away from her. After her aunt died Lara could not take it anymore. She had to make a change or she knew her fate was already sealed. She moved to Paragon City. This was the biggest mistake she had made in her young life.

If only for a moment she believe she would be happier here however she was wrong. This majestic city simply overwhelmed and consumed her like it did with many others. The black hole that some people call a soul was growing in size everyday. She was living in her car fighting off attempts by homeless people to join their uprising when she lost all hope.

Lara remembers thinking to herself “No one will even know I’m gone” as she climbed a tower on Valor Bridge. The tears rolling down her face were tears of despair; she had lost faith, hope and everything else that makes us human. Maybe it was the tears in her eyes that made her miss the Danger signs posted 300 feet above the bridge or maybe she didn’t care. Either way while climbing to the top of the tower she grabbed a 13,300 volt power line. As the raw energy surged thru her body she didn’t experience pain, only relief that it was over. This relief was marked by one last thought before everything went black, “Finally”.

Maybe that day was a blessing, maybe it was a curse she only knows of that day as her new beginning. When she awoke hours, days, maybe even weeks later she found herself washed up on the beach in Independence Port. She couldn’t remember her former life, the only clue she had was a name tag still attached to the front of her burned shirt with the name “Lara” etched into the melted plastic. She picked herself up and began to walk, anywhere. Lara was confused still and only wanted to find help. She found the opposite.

A strange group of people caught her eye as she walked thru Independence Port; they had metal attached to various parts of their body some even had Jacob’s Ladders coming from their backs. Something was wrong but she didn’t know what. Lara tried to avoid them but it was too late, she was spotted and she would become another one of their victims. Or so they thought…..

They chased her for many miles. She ran incredible fast but so did this band of freaks. She was running faster and faster without losing a step and she was leaving them behind when she turned the wrong corner. She was trapped in a dead end alleyway when twelve of these perversions of nature followed her. While she begged for mercy they showed her none. The least human villain seemed to lead the charge in the attack. Lara cringed when she saw them raise their hands with electricity streaming from their fingers. The first bolt hit her and she felt stronger. Bolt after bolt of violent energy struck her while the only pain she felt was from her eyes being blinded by the bright light. After the attacks stopped and she could open her eyes she saw the look of confusion on the faces of her would be killers. She stopped cringing and stood up, probably taller than any other time in her life.

Maybe it was anger over being brutally attacked for no reason maybe it was repressed memories from her other life, she will never know why she did it. Lara raised her hands above her head clinching her fist so tight blood pours from between her fingers. She pulled every molecule of raw energy from every source around her and her bloody hands began to glow with a blue energy. The hunters were about to become the hunted.

Lara threw her hand forward toward the now terrified freaks of nature unleashing a bolt of electricity so strong the sound alone broke every window for 3 square miles. The thunderous blast was so powerful when it hit it liquefied all organic tissue in the metal skeletons. Leaving nothing left of her victims except twist metal statues thrown hundreds of yards out of the alleyway. She fell to one knee drained, not only did she use the energy in her surroundings but she also used all her own energy, she was left exhausted. This is the beginning of Lara Bolt’s tale.



Thanks,
lucas

oooooooooo.... i like it! Great start, cant wait to read more!!

OK, I see a few things that could sound a little better (in my oppinion), and since you said proof-read, I'll copy the whole text and bold what I've changed. Keep in mind those are only suggestions in an attampt to to give it a little more impact (or so it would seem to me). Here goes:

Lara Meadows grew up knowing one thing in her life - that everyone was better than her. As a child, she struggled to be unique and special, at least in her own mind, but pretty soon the real world crushed those hopes and dreams. Reality has a way of making you understand your place in this world. By the time she was 18 she knew what hers was - that of a nobody.

Growing up, Lara had very few friends, and the ones she did have were little more than polite strangers, there to "hang out" when she called, but otherwise distant and impersonal. While she finished high school with little problem, she could not continue on to college. Her aunt, the only family she had ever had, grew very ill. The only thing Lara knew of her mother was that she died giving birth to her and of her father she knew next to nothing. Right after high school, she took a dead-end job to help pay the bills. What few acquaintances she had moved on better things. Her "friends" had left her all alone. Her ambition has turned to desperation.

Over the next few years she watched as her aunt died, slowly but surely. And with each passing day Lara died on the inside just a little bit more. She simply could not handle what life was dealing to her. She had nothing left, yet life took still more away. After her aunt died, Lara could not take it anymore. She knew had to do something or her fate would overwhelm her. As a final, desperate move, Lara moved to Paragon City. That was the biggest mistake she had ever made in her young life.

If only for a moment she had believe she would be happier there, she was wrong. This majestic city simply overwhelmed and consumed her like it did so many others. The black hole that some call a soul was growing every day. Lara lived in her car, fighting off bums and beggars, just barely resisting the urge to join their uprising. At some point, she just lost all hope.

A thought kept ringing in her head as she climbed one of the support towers of Valor Bridge“No one will even know I’m gone”. The tears that rolled down her face were tears of despair. She had lost all faith, all hope, everything that makes one human. Maybe it was the tears in her eyes that made her miss the "Danger" signs atop the bridge tower or maybe she didn’t care. Either way, as she clombed she grabbed onto a 13,300 volt powerline.

Raw energy surged through her body, yet she didn’t feel any pain, only relief that it was all over. In this state of relief and serenity, only one thought remained that seemed to stretch into eternity: “Finally”. And then it all went black.

Maybe that day was a blessing, maybe it was a curse, but Lara only knew of it as her new beginning. When she awoke hours, days, maybe even weeks later, she found herself washed up on the beach in Independence Port. She couldn’t remember who she was or how she had ended up ther. The only clue she had to her past was a Partial name tag on a tattered and burned shirt. “Lara” was etched with blurry letters onto the charred and buckled plastic.

Lara picked herself up and began to walk in a random direction, trying to gather her thoughts. She was confused and only looking for help. What she found was just the opposite.

A strange group of people caught her eye as she walked through Independence Port. They were covered in bits and pieces of metal all over some even had high-voltage equipement strapped to their backs. Something seemed wrong but she didn’t know what. Lara tried to avoid them but it was too late. She had been spotted and she would soon become another one of their victims. Or so they thought...

They chased her for many miles. She ran incredibly quickly but so did this band of freaks. She ran faster and faster, not missing a step and she thought she had left them behind. Then she turned a wrong corner and ran straight into a dead end-alleyway where twelve of these perversions of nature cornerred her. She begged for mercy, but they showed her none. The least human villain seemed to lead the charge in the attack. Lara cringed and covered her face with her hands when she saw them raise their hands, electricity flowing from their fingers. A bolt it her , yet she felt no pain. She just felt stronger. Bolt after bolt of violent energy struck her, and still the only pain she felt was caused by the unbelievably bright lights. Then the attacks stopped. Lara opened her eyes and she saw the look of confusion on the faces of her would-be killers. Her face relaxed and stood up, probably taller than ever before in her life.

Maybe it was anger over being brutally attacked for no reason whatsoever, mybe it was repressed memories from her other life, or maybe she had just decided to stand up for herself and fight for a change. She would never really know why she did it, but Lara raised her hands high above her head, clinching her fist until they bled. She pulled every molecule of raw energy from everything around her and her bloody hands began to glow with blue radient energy. The hunters were about to become the hunted.

Lara threw her hand forward, toward the now terrified freaks of nature, unleashing a bolt of electricity so strong the sound alone broke every window for 3 square miles. The thunderous blast was so powerful, that when it hit, it liquefied all organic tissue in the metal skeletons. When the dust settled and the smoke cleared, nothing was left of her victims , except twist metal statues thrown hundreds of yards out of the alleyway. Lara fell to one knee, drained. Not only had she used the energy in her surroundings, but all her own energy as well. She was left exhausted. This is the beginning of the story of Lara Bolt.

Commentary: While it may appear in some places that there's more bolded than normal text, and while it may look like I've changed just about everything, I have to say I didn't do much. Most of the bolded text is just a re-wording of what was already said, with a few minor corrections. That's really my attempt to make it sound a little better (and sound better to me, personally), so I hope you like it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arcanaville Samuel_Tow is the only poster that makes me want to punch him in the head more often when I'm agreeing with him than when I'm disagreeing with him.

[ QUOTE ]
Commentary: While it may appear in some places that there's more bolded than normal text, and while it may look like I've changed just about everything, I have to say I didn't do much. Most of the bolded text is just a re-wording of what was already said, with a few minor corrections. That's really my attempt to make it sound a little better (and sound better to me, personally), so I hope you like it.


[/ QUOTE ]

I really like the changes, the bold parts add more to the story. I hope you don't mind if I use some of them before I submit the story for fan fiction?

Very, very nice story.. hope to read more soon.

Ive been trying to work on some more but work is taking all my free time lately. Thanks for the nice comments!

My toons long lost sister?
Clarissa Bolt and Lara Bolt for the win.

I have relatives??
really nice story... I really look forward to reading the next part.

[ QUOTE ]
I have relatives??
really nice story... I really look forward to reading the next part.

[/ QUOTE ]


interesting story, with much room for future issues....


i think u may want to consider adding the "Bolt" lost children into it, a father longing to find the kids he sensed he has but had never met.... enter Clarissa and Stray. talk amongst urselves for a possible future plot ? or if u find u dont like one another, thats fine too, as siblings rarely agree often. and are prone to disliking one another in some cases... especially one as abstract as this one. just ideas....
story has a solid base and lots of room for growth though IMHO.

Dang, this is good writing...It makes me want to make an Electric/Electric blaster.

One suggestion: Maybe revising the part where she first uses her powers. IMO, I think it would be cool if the energy didn't come from her fists on command, as if the fury and blind rage inside her coaxed her power out of hiding, like this:



Maybe it was anger over being brutally attacked for no reason whatsoever, maybe it was repressed memories from her other life, or maybe she had just decided to stand up for herself and fight for a change. She would never really know why, or how, she did it, but Lara clenched her fists until they bled. Every molecule of raw energy seemed to gather at her bleeding fingertips. They began to glow, glow with pure, radiant energy. The hunters were about to become the hunted.

The blue energy seemed to pour from her body, through her clenched fists, striking he would-be murderers in the heart. The electricity, so fierce, that the sound alone shattered every window on the block, and liquified every last inch of organic tissue inside their metal skeletons. When the dust settled and the smoke cleared, nothing was left of her victims, except twist metal statues thrown hundreds of yards out of the alleyway. Lara fell to one knee, drained. Not only had she used the energy in her surroundings, but all her own energy as well. She was left exhausted. This is the beginning of the story of Lara Bolt.

This is just an example of what I was talking about above. It is a great piece, can't wait to hear more.

-Post Deleted-

I'm sorry. This really isn't the place to ask the question I listed here.

I like the story. I think it's well written and the proof-read and altered sections make it a bit more clear but also more evocative. And that's a good thing!

-Rachel-