Rookiee Officer Jenny: No
sir
.I meant run from the scene of the crime?
Officer Hamsteak: Yeah, run like someone just shoved a snakes rattle sixteen inches up your backside
..with the snake still attached. (Officer Hamsteak winces, as if recalling some terrible childhood memory).
Rookie Officer Jenny: But arent we supposed to stop crime? Isnt that our job?
Officer Hamsteak: Heh, so young and naïve
and supple
.No young lady, our job is to cut down on the rising tide of KrispyKreme donuts and excess mob money thats plaguing this city. Paragon city is a City of Heroes! The costume defenders shall defend us!
Rookie Officer Jenny: Sir, thats a load of Mariah Carey songs---
Officer Hamsteak (puts a greasy finger to Jennys lips to either hush her mouth or shine her teeth with day old donut glazing): Therell be no cussing in the station, young lady! Words like crap will suffice, no need to speak of washed up pop music stars here. My finger doesnt smell funny, does it?
Rookie Officer Jenny: Yes, like a horses colon.
Officer Hamsteak (sniffs his finger): Nothing strange there. As I was saying, costumed defenders save this city millions in health care for our boys in blue. Why send grossly underpaid officers of the law to die when there are those stupid enough to die for free?
Rookie Officer Jenny: Sir, I dont understand
After your first police brutality charge or mob payoff, you w---
Rookie Officer Jenny: Thank you, sir. And thank you for not being serious about slapping the taste out of my mouth and beating me with a bag of nickels the next time I interrupted you.
Officer Hamsteak (smiling while slapping a jingling burlap sack in his meaty palm): Oh I was only kidding about beating the *criminals*, Jenny. And you just interrupted me again.
Jenny flashes forward to the present day, absently rubbing a mark on her cheek in the shape of Thomas Jeffersons profile and does what any police officer does when given the opportunity to solve a real crime and add a bright beacon of hope in a world of corruption and evil
.
She runs
...
Hellion Thug: One. Wow, she can really move! Youd think someone just shoved the rattle of a snake sixteen inches up where the sun dont shine
with the snake still attached. (Hellion Thug smiles warmly, as if recalling a fond childhood memory) Now will you all just shut up? Ive got it under contr---oh crap. I smell spandex.
Thedeacon (shoving Jenny back onto the ground and nonchalantly sniffing himself as he approaches): II dont smell anything
Hellion Thug: I smell capes.
Hellion Thug: I smell cowls.
Thedeacon: Wtf? You smell cows?
Hellion Thug: No, no, cowls
.like the thing batman wears.
Hellion Thug: Alright, the three of you shoot at him while I run away, making him chase me around the zone until he logs off in disgust.
Hellion Thug: What are you all waiting for? Shoot the *******!
Thedeacons fists glow with the intense burn of athletes foot, his hands engulfed in the fungal racking and burning that only a doctor prescribed medicine can alleviate (please consult your doctor first. Side effects include headache, nausea, and a tingling sensation)
Hellion Thug: $#@&!
Thedeacon: Hey, watch that language
.You french kiss your mother with that mouth?
Hellion Thug: $#@& you, mother $#@&er!
Thedeacon: I should have asked do you $#@& your mother with that mouth? Which begs the question: How are we pronouncing $#@&?
Hellion Thug: Its the language filters. You can turn them off if you like.
Thedeacon: Really? How?
Hellion Thug: Ok, look a few feet up in the sky. See the word menu floating in the air for no apparent reason? Use that white arrow hanging in the sky to click on it and select options.
Thedeacon: Huh, I never did see that before. Words floating in the air, reminding us all of the importance of reading. All we need is a slightly illiterate kid telling us how proud he is that he just read a fourteen chapter BOOK, a la Hooked on Phonics .
Hellion Thug: I always thought it was weird how that kid over pronounced the word book. Remind me to get him Hooked on Drugs if I ever see him. It worked for me!
Thedeacon (pointing first to his flaming fist and then to the Thugs guns): Arent we forgetting something?
Hellion Thug: Oh yeah
..I smell spandex!
Thedeacon (sniffing himself again): Hmmm, so much for switching to Tide.
Hellion Thug (frowning): That really wasnt very funny.
Thedeacon: Everyones a critic.
Thedeacon clenches his fists and strains and a ring of fire engulfs the four Hellions, instantly burning three of them to a crisp. The fourth, glancing to the left, then to the right, his charred face either frozen in an expression of terror or confused as to why blood plasma tastes so much like corn syrup, decides to make sure his Tivo system is recording the last episode of Friends and takes off running.
Thedeacon winds up a pitch and launches a fireball that catches Hellion Thug square in the head. He crumples to the ground, twitching. Three citizens walk by calmly, paying no mind to the smoking corpses.
Elderly Lady (running towards Thedeacon, arms waving with gratitude): Youve been in Paragon City for three hours.
Thedeacon: Huh?
Elderly Lady: Null. Hero43225
Thedeacon: Well
..um. It was my pleasure, citizen! As long as evil is afoot, Thedeacons flaming feet of justice shall save you from evil! I am the heel and arch that supports this fine city. Up, up and awaaaaaay!
Thedeacon leaps into the air, one arm forward
and floats several inches from the ground.
Elderly Lady: What the hell are you doing?
Thedeacon: Isnt it obvious, slightly senile citizen? Im flying.
Elderly Lady: Doesnt flying involve moving?
Thedeacon (looking defeated): I only trained Hover. Ive been thinking about getting an enhancement though.
Elderly Lady: Superman could fly
..and he had a bigger package too.
Thedeacon (adjusting the rolled up gym sock he stuffed in his leather pants earlier that day) I dont think so, lady.
Elderly Lady: Supermans package wasnt made by Hanes.
Officer Jenny: Thedeacon, youre under arrest for murder.
Thedeacon (shielding his face): Oh God, not the face! Not the face!
Officer Jenny: What are you on about?
Thedeacon: Youre going to arrest me! What will you use? Fire? Ice? Oooh you look like one of those girls that play with guns. I knew a guy like that once. Made love to his chickens, too. Say, you dont---
Officer Jenny: Cant say that I have
and thats rare for a girl from Wisconsin. Now come with me, murderer.
Thedeacon (shocked): Murderer? Me? I was arresting those criminals!
Officer Jenny: You burned them to death.
Thedeacon: No, I was arresting them! It was my mission.
Officer Jenny: Your mission was to fry them like a Kentucky chicken?
Thedeacon: Actually I prefer Popeyes. The Colonel went downhill when they renamed all their restaurants KFC and got rid of 15 of the 17 herbs and spices. MSG and salt do not a family recipe make. And I was arresting them. Theres a distinct difference.
Officer Jenny: The difference is that arrests are performed with handcuffs and murder is done with
.things that kill. Like fire.
Thedeacon: I have no handcuffs. And see? The bodies have already vanished, whisked away to jail by the Cop Bots.
Officer Jenny: I see no Cop Bots. You incinerated them.
Thedeacon: Cop Bots.
Officer Jenny (holding up a badly charred, severed Hellion thug arm): Then explain this.
Thedeacon: Cop Bot
..brutality?
Officer Jenny crosses her arms and glowers at Thedeacon.
Thedeacon: Listen, maybe we can work out a deal. I say we go back to my place and have a team up. My new mattress has been up to an evil plot and I think you and I should conquer it once and for all. You seem a bit uptight and Im sure walking all day has those pretty feet of yours pretty tired. Maybe I can put them in my mouth and---
Officer Jenny: Id rather wrap my bare buttcheeks around a twenty foot long razorblade and slide into a pool of iodine.
Thedeacon: I usually wait until the second date to do that
.So Ill pick you up around eight? Wear something open toed
Officer Jenny: Or I can pour honey over your unmentionables and dip them into a fire ant hill and skip the date.
Thedeacon: That might not be too bad
.which unmentionable?
Officer Jenny (looks Thedeacon up and down with distaste): Id have a hard time choosing.
Thedeacon: You have a vivid imagination
and Im guessing about a size six shoe.
Officer Jenny: Whats the deal with you and feet anyway?
Thedeacon: Its where I receive my powers
..I was bitten by a radioactive foot.
Officer Jenny: But youre a mutant. You were BORN with your powers.
Thedeacon: I was bitten by that radioactive foot at a very young age.
Officer Jenny: How young?
Thedeacon: Prenatally.
Flashback 29 years
.
Pregasauras Rex: You will not defeat me! My slippery lactation and raging hormones will slow you down!
The Amazonian: Ha! Have a taste of my biting feet o doom, bish!
Thedeacon (inside Pregasaurus Rex womb): WTF!
Back to present day
.
Officer Jenny: Dude
Thedeacon: Waitasec, I just realized something. Why is it that you run away from the Hellion Thugs, yet you arrest me for helping the old lady?
Officer Jenny: Because youre a hero and those guys would have shot me.
Thedeacon: Well how do you know I wont use my fire powers on you?
Officer Jenny: Because the villain expansion pack is months away. No more stalling, its time to take you to a place where dropping the soap results in a backdoor team-up with a guy named Bubba.
Thedeacon: San Francisco? Look, let me finish this mission and Ill happily come to jail with you. From the first time we met, you struck me as one of those freaky chicks that like to put men in handcuffs.
Officer Jenny: Of course I am. Im a police officer.
Thedeacon: I think its called package envy (adjusts his package once more)
Officer Jenny: Is that Hanes, Deacon?
Thedeacon: No
.no its not. Its a big Deac and youd do well to recognize, bish. Now if youll excuse me, I have a mission to complete. Up, up and awaaaaay!
Thedeacon points to the sky once more and hovers three feet above the ground. Officer Jenny grabs his boot and tugs him back to the ground.
Officer Jenny: alright mister, Ill let you finish youre mission. Seeing as all gang members look alike, I dont think anyone will notice a few of them missing.
Thedeacon: Look alike? Hey, is that racial profiling?
Later that day
Hellion Thug: Yknow Hellion Thug, Im just not sure about this crime thing anymore. I mean sure, the pay is great, but its just not rewarding to the soul.
Hellion Thug: True dat. Last night I sold 16 pounds of crack, but I just didnt get that feeling of accomplishment like back in the beginning.
Hellion Thug: Ah, the beginning. Those were the days, werent they, Hellion Thug? You with your baseball bat and I with my gun.
Hellion Thug (smiles): Two rebels without a cause. Hellion Thug, I think its time to turn over a new leaf.
Hellion Thug: youre right, Hellion Thug. I think we need Jesus.
Hellion Thug: Sounds like a plan to me. Hey, yknow what? The day suddenly seems a little brighter. Lets give our drugs away to a homeless person and bless them like our day has been blessed. And then well help an old lady across the street
.We wont even push her in traffic this time.
Hellion Thug turns away shamefacedly, wiping away at his eyes. Hellion Thug turns to Hellion Thug and puts a comforting arm around him
Hellion Thug: There, there now. No need to cry. Its going to be okay, Hellion Thug.
Hellion Thug: I wasnt always a bad guy. I was a middle child. My mother never really had time for me and my father ran away with a mutant blaster when I was four. I guess my mother just couldnt compare with a blue woman covered in spikes with seventeen breasts.
Hellion Thug: Ive seen your mother. She compares.
Hellion Thug: Youre just saying that.
Hellion Thug: No, I really mean it. Full, pouty lips with bedroom eyes and a tight backside. Oh yes, youre mother definitely compares.
Hellion Thug: I miss the days when she bathed me.
Hellion Thug: Thats the spirit, Hellion Thug! I think we should do some volunteer work too. Make up for the pain weve caused others and start anew with our lives, learning from the mistakes of our youth. How does that sound, Hellion Thug? Hellion Th
Hellion Thug turns to see his compatriot smoldering on the pavement. Suddenly the world grows hot and not in the Im watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer alone and with a jar of mayo kind of way.
Thedeacon: See, Officer Jenny? As soon as the smoke dissipates, the cop bots will whisk them away to jail and we will have done our part to keep the fine streets of Paragon City safe! And after we arrest four more Hellions, Ill introduce you to Cynthia Contact. She has a crush on me yknow, but dont be jealous
.I can sleep with you both.
Officer Jenny: Deacon, not to point out the obvious or anything, but those guys werent actually committing a crime. They were just walking down the street.
Thedeacon (giving Officer Jenny a friendly pat on the back): But thats where youre wrong, dear Jenny. You cant wait for villains to rip the tags off of mattresses or return library books late before you take action with a 5,000 degree mutant flamethrower. The best defense is a great offence. If you think they may commit a crime sometime in the near or distant future, destroy them and their homelands and round the rest up into concentration camps. Thats what George W. Bush would say!
Thedeacon is suddenly struck in the back by a giant smoking skeletal head. Out of the shadows steps a thin man with a painted face, garbed in black.
Officer Jenny: Wait, thats a member of the Skulls gang! But they hate the Hellions!
Bone Daddy: Someone been sayin you dun killin off them there Hellions, mon ami. Makin ol Bone Daddy look bad. Time to show you why they call me Bone Daddy.
Thedeacon (rising to his feet): Bone
..Daddy? Either it involves pornographic movies and years of therapy or a guest spot on Jerry Springer. Either way, its time for TEH FOOTNESS. Flame on!
To be continued in chapter 2, entitled Connecting to my lost inner mapserver child)
Can't....breath...too...funny
AE # 67087: Journey through the Looking Glass - Save the World
LLX VirtueVerse! - Check out my crazy Toons
This is the size of group that we have balanced AVs for, 6.
-Positron 06/07/06 07:27 PM
Oh great now everybody that sits near me at work is wondering what I am chuckling about.
Had to turn away several times so I didn't litterally roll on the floor laughing!
Thanks for the laugh!
roflmao *holds two tumbs up while he tries to pick himself up from under his desk*
Oh my shizzle its my nizzle Thedeacon, Whats up brotha 
Guess who! 
I'll give you a hint, last time we talked on forums we were havin a throw down lyrical style
Great story as always!!! Geeze, how many people are there here from AO?
Katt
Hmmm, Ron Jeremy does City of Heroes.
I like it. We need more script though. This will only fill about 10 minutes of movie and we need 60$ to rake in the bucks. Let me see what else you got and we can talk. Here's my card
C T Straude
Vivacious Studios
Let's do lunch, then I'll cook you breakfast
555- 867- 5309
Awesome story Dood.
[ QUOTE ]
Great story as always!!! Geeze, how many people are there here from AO?
Katt
[/ QUOTE ]
Well, huge masses it seems.
After FC messed AO up with the SL crap we all stopped playing it and waited for a new game as good as AO in the beginning. Looks like we found it
*bumpz0r* for Tehdeacons little story.
sides...hurting...laffing...too...much
Waiting on the rest
Hellion Thug holds a knife menacingly towards a sweet old lady in one hand, while simultaneously pulling the strap on her purple leather purse. Behind him, his four identically dressed compatriots (who coincidentally look exactly like Hellion Thug and are, in fact themselves named Hellion Thug) look on, ready to join in the action. The look on their faces could be called glowering if in fact they were capable of more than one facial expression.
Hellion Thug: We know you dont wanna die lady, hand over the purse! Dont make me cut j00!
Hellion Thug (tapping his foot impatiently): Hey boss, this is taking an awful long time. Want some help? Youve been trying to snatch that purse for what? Forty minutes now
Hellion Thug: Ive almost got it.
Hellion Thug: K, but the last episode of Friends is on tonight and---
Hellion Thug: I said Ive got it! Now go back to looking menacing while I assault this fragile elderly woman in broad daylight.
Elderly Lady: Oh you ruffians! Why, in my day I would have taken each of you over my knee and spanked your chiseled buns with my cat o nine tails while pouring hot wax over your bare nipples until you screamed Yes mistress!
Hellion Thug (loosens his grip slightly): Dude.
Hellion Thug: Dude!
Elderly Lady (pursing her horribly wrinkled and liver spotted lips into a kiss): You boys wouldnt happen to be free later on, would you?
Hellion Thug: DUDE!
Hellion Thug: Actually, I think I *will* take that help, Hellion Thug. I get by with a little help from my friends, or something.
Hellion Thug: True dat. On my way, bos---
Hellion Thug: No, not YOU, Hellion Thug. I havent forgotten about horse tranquilizer incident last week. I still cant sit down properly. Hellion Thug, gimme a hand here.
Hellion Thug (looking to his left and his right): Me, boss?
Hellion Thug: No, no no. Not YOU, Hellion thBOB. Get me Bob, damnit!
Elderly Lady (looking hopefully to the sky while heroic music plays softly in the background): Who shall save an old lady from the evil that sexually repressed, sweat drenched hunks of men do? Is there a hero among us, (preferably in skin tight spandex, but Im not picky) that can hear my moans and save me?
Several hundred yards away ..
A hero clad in red and yellow leather turns his ear to the wind and a serious look comes across his rough hewn face. Evil is afoot in Paragon City, and of the 16,000 heroes within a 3 block radius, only one can save the day
THEDEACON!
After having been bitten by a radioactive foot, mild-mannered pornographer Peter Willy is imbued with the proportionate speed and strength of a really big foot. After a disgruntled porn actor killed off his box of Uncle Bens brand rice, Peter learns that with substandard power comes a poor sense of responsibility
Forty-five minutes later ..
Thedeacon (noisily eating a hot dog in one hand and talking obscenely loud into a Verizon cell phone in his other): And so I said to her, if you just let me touch your smooth, high arched feet, Ill----
Cynthia Contact: Uh, Thedeacon, shouldnt you be off fighting crime?
Thedeacon: Oh I am! A growing super hero needs the vitamin goodness that only a half pound of unidentifiable beaks, gizzards and tails squeezed into a pigs rectum to form a vaguely phallic food item can provide. Theres an old lady getting mugged about a half mile away. Ill be there before her Viagra wears off.
Cynthia Contact: Women dont take Viagra.
Thedeacon: My Aunt Frank does----oh. (scrunches his face up and thinks for a moment.) Well that explains what I felt the last time she gave me a hug ..and why Im enjoying this hot dog so much ..Hey, you wont tell anyone Aunt Frank, right? I have a reput---hello? Hello?
Cynthia Contact: Go .arrest .hellions.
Thedeacon (grinning and hopping excitedly): Ooooh, is this a MISSION?
Cynthia Contact: Deacon, a woman is slowly being mugged by several identically dressed felons. Go help her!
Thedeacon: Okay, but is this a mission?
Cynthia Contact: Fine, fine, whatever.
Thedeacon: Whatever, what?
Cynthia Contact: It is.
Thedeacon: It is, what?
Cynthia Contact: A mission!
Thedeacon: Im not convinced its a mission yet .I think you just dont want to talk to me.
Cynthia Contact: Im not sure what I should be more excited about: Thedeacon forming a coherent thought or the fact that youre correct. Fine, its an official mission. Arrest 10 Hellions gang members in Perez Park.
Thedeacon: Alright, this is what Ive been waiting for! Time to shed my civilian clothing and (a ripping noise is heard, followed by the terrified screams of a young woman) Waaaaaitasec. I dont have a civilian alter ego. That would mean .Im naked arent I?
Meanwhile .
Hellion Thug: Boss, you STILL aint got the purse?
Hellion Thug: I have to pee
Hellion Thug: Damnit, Im missing Friends .
Hellion Thug: Oh crap, boss! The fuzz is here!
A Paragon City Police officer is seen strolling along the street closeby.
Hellion Thug: Since when do we worry about the Paragon Police? Give it five seconds .four .three ..two
Officer Jenny sees the mugging in progress and freezes for a moment, pondering the best method of action. The world briefly shimmers into a flashback sequence where a young Jenny listens eagerly to her commanding officer in the Paragon Police Academy .
Officer Hamsteak (a portly man with a pink face that appears as if he could have a massive coronary at any given moment): ---is a rewarding career. You get to speed and make illegal left turns for no other reason than to piss off citizens when you give them tickets for following your example ..That is, if we police officers used cars .I hear theyll be added in a future patch. You better wear comfortable shoes, because youll be walking an aimless beat for your entire career. Payoffs and bribes make for a wonderful salary bonus and---
Rookie Officer Jenny: But what shall the good officers of Paragon City do if we witness the mugging of an eighty-three year old dominatrix? Hypothetically speaking of course.
Officer Hamsteak (lowering his eyebrows and snarling, a spot of raspberry jelly on the corner of his mouth taking on the appearance of the coagulated blood of some hapless jelly donut creature): Do the same thing Ill do to you if you interrupt me again ..slap the taste out their mouths and bust them upside the head with a bag of nickels.
Rookie Officer Jenny: !!!!11one
Officer Hamsteak (breaking into a friendly grin and putting a sweaty arm around Jenny in a friendly uncle that means well, but dont wear anything too revealing around him and watch for bedroom peepholes sort of way): Ha ha heh. Im funnin ya ..Run.
Rookie Officer Jenny, terrified, rises out of her seat
Officer Hamsteak (pushing her back into seat, still smiling): No, no, not you dear. I meant, should you ever see a crime in progress Run
Rookie Officer Jenny: Run sir?
Officer Hamsteak: No, I took Kaopectate this morning, but I did have a burrito last night .But thats beside the point.1