Ok, first, I have too say that it's great stuff. Much better that what we can usually see.
So, all the following remarks will be needle-picking. Purposelly. As I don't see any real drawbacks to your work, I think that it is what you are looking for.
[ QUOTE ]
Case entry 1.
The Crey Industries have (...) highly acclaimed scientists in the areas of Bio Molecular Science (Dr. Philip North USA, Dr. Raymond Saswell Canada & Sonja Jensen Norway), Nano Medical Technology (Dr. Phd. Anna Mommo Denmark, Dr. Bjorn Anderson Sweden, Dr. Rita Hubert USA & Dr. James J. Dunhill USA), Advanced A.I. Science (Dr. Phd. Gregori Lavrov Russia, Dr. Phd. Kristian L. Amdisen Denmark & Dr. Robert Dunn Great Britain) to name some of the most prominent of the recruited.
[/ QUOTE ]
Not a single Japanese? But these guys are supposed to be among the top in term of eletronic and miniaturisation, I think they would be likelly to have some very good scientist in "cyborg-making" -He, I said I would be picky!
Plus, instead of: Kristian L. Amdisen Denmark, I would write Kristian L. Amdisen Royal University of Copenhaguen, Denmark it would add a little something I think. You can also use company name (why not using name of certain of the techno stores in Parangon) and put some guys in the same university, suggeting they work together (research is teamwork nowadays). Also, don't hesitate to put people from different country in the same university, scientists tend to travel alot...
[ QUOTE ]
Crey Industries has started an ongoing investigation and surveillance on the Gear Project and will add notes to this report in the future.
End log
[/ QUOTE ]
I like the ...End log, but you don't use it for all the logs... I think you should (Copy-Paste is cheap nowadays)
[ QUOTE ]
Case entry 2.
Surveillance reports show high activity at the Gear Project base of (...) within the Gear Projects compounds.
[/ QUOTE ]
I would add:
within the Gear Projects compounds
(Deployement protocole 222C)
[ QUOTE ]
Case entry 4.
(...) included a symbiosis of a Super A.I. and her own brain. The following was attached as working notes in the attained Gear Project files:
[/ QUOTE ]
Here I would do something else...
"attached as working notes in the attained Gear Project files (
cf Document X5B1-DELTA-C90-AxA and Document X5B1-DELTA-C90-AxB
X5B1-DELTA-C90 Annex A
After having heavily seda (...) tasks
X5B1-DELTA-C90 Annex B
Working with Annas body (...) and identification system
It seems more natural for me that the guys would reference the documents (a copy of witch would anyway be conserved instead of quoting them)
Another thing, is that the guy refer at the hero as "Anna"...
Well, it may be on purpose by you as he switch to GearX toward the end of the text (in order to show the character being less and less human and more and more machine...) but I wonder if it would be more efficient to refer to her as "The subject". It would reinforce the idea of a surgically cold emotionless ******* that the guy is... (Plus, I am just thinking of it but why not saying that's this report is written by an ex-collegue of her, working on the same team for years before being recruited on the same project, it would be even more chilling!)
[ QUOTE ]
Unfortunately we had to amputate Annas arms today as they seemed to have gotten infected with some sort of virus. (
)
Accidents rarely come in ones.
[/ QUOTE ]
Well, in these parts, the guys show emotions and subjectivity.
It does not really fit, in my opinion, in the overall tone of the text (the surgically cold...). Especially the second one. I think the guy would be cold and factual. Plus it may be interesting to set the action on future (instead we had to say i appears that an infection... We took the decision to amputate the arm...) I don't know, it's purelly personnal here.
Also, virus infections rarelly need amputations. Amputations are more required for bacterial infections (gangrene is bacterial). It is due to the fact that virus are generally present throughout all the body even if they may reproduce only in one type of tissue... Anyway, I am probably the only one which may notice... If you want, you can use the bacteria
Staphilococcus epidermitis (according to scientfic convention, you have to write the name in italic, I have no idea if such a report would follow scientific convention) which is well known for infecting patients after surgery and for colonising prosthetic device (synthetic hip, artificial heart valve and so on). Drawback of that, it is a well-known bacteria and would not require the isolation of the personal as you describe...
You can also make the guy suggest that Anna was treated with immuno-suppressive drugs to minimize the phenomenon of reject and that is likelly to have been a favorising factor in the developpement of the infection (BTW, yeah, I have a medical science background)
[ QUOTE ]
3 days ago (...) device, besides improved line of sight, includes a targeting system, heat scanners
It has come to Crey Industries attention that Gear X has been deployed into the streets of Paragon City, and that something apparently has gone wrong. It is estimated that The Gear Project has somehow lost connection to Gear X and is currently without any control of the Cyborg.
[/ QUOTE ]
I think that you need a more evident indication that the document is over and that you are back to the Crey report, I would had a "
Case entry something. . " there
I would also modify it a wee bit:
"
It has come to Crey Industries attention that Gear X has been deployed into the streets of Paragon City However, erratic behavior of subject Gear X suggest that something has gone wrong. It is estimated that The Gear Project has somehow lost connection to Gear X and is currently without any control of the Cyborg.
[ QUOTE ]
After analysing these newly attained information Crey Industries have decided to keep spy drones (...) information regarding Gear Xs powers and schematics as well as pictures is attached to this file.
end file
[/ QUOTE ]
Nothing to say about this part.
Ok, as I say, just little somethings to try helping you making your text even better...
Last remark, I don't know what you are attending to do with the char. And, is the sindicate a real group of villain? I never met them... If not, it may be interesting to suggest that the project was part of a council or a sky raider operation (any group of tech villain). This way you would have real reason for the tension between your char and these guys (provided your char get her memory back). It would let the door open for some interesting roleplay there (my toon have something against the Tsoo for example...)
Ok, good luck, hope some of my suggestions helped you and, once again, well done...
(Ps, sorry I was so long...)
