Bleak_Wanderer's Mission Architect Journal

Who: Me. Bleak_Wanderer/@Apolinus. And you.

What: One thread where I can dump most of my MA related stuff so I don't create separate threads for each individual arc I create or review I write.

How:

When I am ready to go public with an Arc, I will post an ad here with the relevant information. I will provide quicklinks to the ad and the CoHMR listing in this, the first post of the thread.

When I write a review, I will either post the review in the author's thread (if one exists) and link to it here - OR I will post it in this thread if the author doesn't have a thread for the arc or would prefer I not post in it.

From this point forward I will review arcs according to a (fairly) standardized format that will include mission-by-mission impressions and constructive criticism, with a conclusion that will be a CoHMR style rating.

You are welcome to post in this thread.

Want to review one of my arcs? You're welcome to post the review here - no matter how bad or good. Want to request that I review one of your arcs? You're also welcome to post here - just please, post the 'standard format arc ad' including the name, arc ID, level range, synopsis, etc. so that people browsing through can get an idea of what your arc is.

My published arcs:


Arc Name: Nothing to Worry About [Forum Advertisement with Images]
Arc ID: 500325
Faction: Custom
Creator Global/Forum Name: @Apolinus
Difficulty Level: Challenging, but soloable.
Levels: 40-50
Synopsis:
The Freedom Phalanx needs your help investigating a strange meteor strike in Atlas Park. Your investigation turns up a lot more than anyone bargained for, and soon the entire dimension of Primal Earth is at stake. [SFMA][HLMA][CFMA][HGMA]
Estimated Time to Play: ~ 1.5 hours (4 missions)

Featured in "The Continuing Adventures of Pro Payne"! (***)

Rated BEST CUSTOMS in 07/18/2011 AE Storyteam!

Arc Name: An Epic Tale: Clown Capers [Forum Advertisement with Images][CoHMR Link]
Arc ID: 501562
Faction: Family, Custom
Creator Global/Forum Name: @Apolinus
Difficulty Level: Low. Soloable.
Levels: 25 - 30
Synopsis:
El Presidente, the head of the El Presidente Investigation Corp (EPIC), has hired you for a simple job: Find dirt on a Burger Clown, a major multinational burger chain opening a franchise in Paragon City. Like nearly every story in Paragon, all is not as it seems at first. [SFMA][MLMA][FHMA][HFMA]
Estimated Time to Play: ~ 1 hour (3 missions)

@SupaFreak comments on Clown Capers.

My reviews of other arcs:

@Apolinus Reviews: SuperJuice [Link to Review] - 4 stars
Review Date: 5/22/11
Arc Name: SuperJuice
Arc ID: 433692
Faction: Hellions
Creator Global/Forum Name: @FlamingFlea
Difficulty Level: Easy
Levels: 10-15
Synopsis: Hoping to capitalize on the defenselessness a mere mortal can feel in this super powered city, Crey has developed a serum which the company promises will endow anyone with a variety of super powers, but when they send a gang ridden area samples of the serum, side effects may occur. [LBMA]
Estimated Time to Play: ~ 1 hour (3 missions)


@Apolinus Reviews: Black as Midnight [Link to Review] - 5 stars
Review Date: 5/29/11
Arc Name: Black as Midnight [Forum Advertisement with Images][CoHMR Link]
Arc ID: 482914
Faction: Custom
Creator Global/Forum Name: @SupaFreak
Difficulty Level: Moderate
Levels: 22-27
Synopsis: The investigation into the death of a fellow member leads a team of Midnighters into Dark Astoria seeking answers and your help. What you may discover within the shadows is that maybe sometimes the truth is best left unsaid.
Estimated Time to Play: ~ 1 hour (5 missions - but some are short)


@Apolinus Reviews: Crey's Nightmare [Link to Review] - 3.5 stars
Review Date: 6/04/11
Arc Name: Crey's Nightmare [Forum Advertisement][CoHMR Link]
Arc ID: 295501
Faction: Crey, Carnies, Custom
Creator Global/Forum Name: @Zaloopa
Difficulty Level: Moderate to High
Levels: 40-50
Synopsis: Missing psychics, desperate Carnies, and Crey somehow right in the middle of everything.


@Apolinus Reviews: Dimension Xi-Epsilon 22-10 [Link to Review] - 3.25 stars
Review Date: 6/19/11
Arc Name: Dimension Xi-Epsilon 22-10 [Forum Advertisement]
Arc ID: 503982
Faction: Custom
Creator Global/Forum Name: @L'thes
Difficulty Level: "Apparently recommended at 30+ Will be locked at that once I figure out how." (-@L'thes)
Levels: 30+
Synopsis: Contact has found a new alternate dimension and would like you to check it out. Once in, you begin to delve into the missing history. (This is the first arc of a set I am planning on.)



My pet causes and crusades:

Mission Architect Reform and Nearly Limitless Potential for Added Value

Link goes to a separate thread. Essentially, the developers have a tremendous untapped resource in the Mission Architect community, and we feel that they are letting it slip through their fingers. With a few minor fixes, what stands as a good MA system could be phenomenal - I've organized the best suggestions I've seen in one thread as well as provided a list of rednames the players should contact on the issue.

Operation: Integration - Tips & Tributes

A new spin on an old idea. @SupaFreak is championing the notion of creating a more integrated MA community and continuity by having players reference each others' stories. I think it's a fantastic concept - "Clown Capers" hosts a cameo by one of @SupaFreak's characters.

Arc Name: Nothing to Worry About
Arc ID: 500325
Faction: Custom
Creator Global/Forum Name: @Apolinus
Difficulty Level: Challenging, but soloable.
Levels: 40-50
Synopsis:
The Freedom Phalanx needs your help investigating a strange meteor strike in Atlas Park. Your investigation turns up a lot more than anyone bargained for, and soon the entire dimension of Primal Earth is at stake. [SFMA][HLMA][CFMA][HGMA]
Estimated Time to Play: ~ 1.5 hours (4 missions)

Awards and Honors:

Rated BEST CUSTOMS in 07/18/2011 AE Storyteam!

Fight Hordes of Undead and Interdimensional Beings as you Discover the Mysteries of the Meteor!



Interact with Custom Characters who Have Unique Stories to Tell!



Battle for the very fate of your dimension!

New and improved: Revised 6/4/2011 with numerous changes. See here for details regarding changes - but beware of spoilers!

Looking for Feedback - Reviews / Constructive Criticism Welcome and Encouraged!

Reserved for future arc posting #2.

Reserved for future arc posting #3.

Reserved for future arc posting #4.

Reserved for future arc posting #5.

Reserved for future arc posting #6.

Reserved for future arc posting #7.

Reserved for future arc posting #8.

@Apolinus reviews....

Arc Name: Crey's Nightmare
Arc ID: 295501
Faction: Crey, Carnies, Custom
Creator Global/Forum Name: @Zaloopa
Difficulty Level: Moderate to High
Levels: 40-50
Synopsis: Missing psychics, desperate Carnies, and Crey somehow right in the middle of everything.

Help the Conclave of Psychics unravel this mystery!
Estimated Time to Play: 4 missions. ~ 1 hour?

Verdict: 3.5 stars. Better than 70% of MA content.

Introduction..

Searched around for a while looking for just the right arc to review. Found this one, recently posted by fellow Protectorite and Weekly Strike Force leader @Zaloopa, and couldn't resist. My appreciation for Zaloopa won't interfere with my desire to give honest constructive criticism, though. Brought a level 50 Demon/Dark/Soul Incarnate MM to the party, and ran the arc on +0 x1. My contact, Jean Campbell, appears to be the short-dark-and-eyepatchy type.



Mission One

In some nicely color coded intro text, Jean informs me that she's with the Conclave of Psychics. Apparently some junior members of her organization have been nabbed by Carnival of Shadows types. (Didn't they see it coming? Ha.. ha..) Then I'm given a good news/bad news:

Good news: Someone named Yambu (also of the Conclave of Psychics) has tracked the location of the captured individuals.

Bad news: Yambu is a distant cousin of Leeroy Jenkins, and has run headlong into the building with no backup - leaving me to play rescue.

The send-off text gives me an explanation of how the psychics didn't see the attack coming (nice!). Vanessa deVore is able to shield her followers from psychic snooping, which makes sense from what I know of the comics. So it's off to trash some carnies.

I find Lawrence right inside the door, trying to chat up some carnival hotties from his kneeling-with-hands-on-head position, and learn immediately from some well placed dialog that these psychics are to become carnival servants for some nefarious purpose. I get Yambu out of a jam and learn that I need to find someone called Mistress Daphne to get to the bottom of this whole abduction scheme.


Yambu: The cause of many woes.

Another rescuee drops a clue suggesting that the Carnies are on a big (involuntary) recruiting drive due to (possibly) being under some major threat from the outside. My guess is that this is the villain group I'll eventually be facing. I interrupt Mistress Daphne's boombax party with approximately six simultaneous fireballs to the face. According to Daphne, it looks like the Carnival is kidnapping others because their people are getting kidnapped. Food chain and all that, I suppose. And it's back to Jean for the next mission.

Strong Points

There was some good humor mixed in with regard to the rescuees' dialog. I liked the chaining of objectives and the organic feel to the discovery of information - rather than walking into the map with all the knowledge derived via the contact, the mission flowed through several objectives as I learned more about the situation in real time.

It was also nice that each rescue gave a little piece of information or humor - made the whole process go more quickly, and I wanted to uncover the next clue.

Constructive Criticism

Pacing: There were quite a few psychics to rescue, and some of the information they gave was redundant either with each other or with a Carnie. For example, Mistress Daphne and Teresa give pretty much the same information.

Because the map is a multi-level warehouse map with so many rescues, I ended up backtracking and zipping around a mostly cleared warehouse trying to find that last psychic. Not fun, and somewhat time consuming.


Where oh where?

I would recommend consolidating a couple of the psychics - eliminate any that don't drop clues, perhaps, and any with redundant information.

Nitpicky: In Yambu's description, 'Civillians' should be 'Civilians', I think.

Mission Two

Looks like Yambu has decided to look into where all the Carnies have been getting kidnapped to, and got taken into custody (again) herself. This Yambu is a troublemaker.

So it's off to bail out Yambu. Again.

From a Carnie warehouse. Again.

Jean says Yambu may be drinking the Carnival Kool-Aid already, so I should prepare for a fight. Further, Crey wants to tag along for the ride. Hm. Looks like they have some kind of anti-psychic device that they want to road test on some Carnies. The Crey boys didn't wait on me to get started - looks like they were already unleashing mayhem when I arrived.

The nav text says "Defeat Mistress Yambu", so it looks like Jean's suspicions were correct.

Based on some discussion between a captive Crey (non-mandatory objective) and some Carnies, it looks like it's Crey that's been doing all the kidnapping. Quick run through the warehouse and one Yambu-thumping later, and I'm on my way back to Jean. Along the way I found more confirmation that the Carnival are afraid of the Crey.

Headed back to Jean - on the way, saw Crey loading Carnie bodies into vans. Creepy.

Strong Points

Really digging the revalation of key information through character dialog and the use of non-mandatory rescues to permit that dialog to happen. Really excellent creepy visual of carnies being loaded into vans on the mission exit clue. Kudos for that. There are some questions that could be asked there (why wouldn't my heroic character stop that from happening?), but honestly I like the visual so much I'd say leave it alone. Dramatic license and all that.

Jean seems especially alarmed that Crey are taking more Carnies than they need to test their machine - again, as if there is an okay number of people to kidnap. Weird.

Constructive Criticism

Mission one was fighting Carnies in a warehouse.

Mission two is fighting Carnies in a warehouse.

While I know that much of the developer produced content has arcs that are similar, my personal taste would prefer a little more variety in the missions. There are lots of places that Yambu might be hanging out in her new Carnie duds, right? (Or at least I could nab her at a Carnie rave party, if there are any rave warehouse maps available.) Because the groups in missions one and two are default villain groups, there's not a whole lot of room to put in custom description text. However, when it is present, it is kind of sparse. One or two lines for most everyone including Jean Campbell. Points for making descriptions for each mob - but the arc could be kicked up a notch by filling out some of these descriptions in a little more detail. For example:

Quote:

" Yambu used to be a hero who protected the psychic community of Paragon City, but now she's been twisted by the Carnival of Shadows!"

Twisted how? My old creative writing instructor used to say, 'Show, don't tell.' Example for what I might write:

"The body language and timbre of the voice carry hints of the Yambu of days past - but the intonation issuing from behind that cold mask of porcelain speaks to a different reality in the present. The young hero, once a protector of Paragon's psychic community, has traded her form-fitting spandex for an ornate Carnival costume. Behind all of the ornamentation, Yambu seems somehow more remote and dangerous than she once did."

Quote:

" You overheard one of the Carnies claim that Crey had already been taking members of the Carnival prisoner before this assault. Could Crey be responsible for the Carnies' current desperation? While Crey could just be taking them as test subjects for their machine you don't fully trust them."

So it would be just fine-and-dandy with my character if Crey was taking Carnies to test their psychic discombobulator? Goodness me, why?

(Technically, my MM is a villain/rogue, so he'd be perfectly fine with the discombobulator. In fact, he'd probably opt for babies or puppies instead of Carnies, because they're easier to catch. But you get the idea.)

Mission Three

For some reason, I let Crey make off with Yambu. So now I have to go check out this Crey hospital to try and get her back, and to investigate what Crey are up to with these Carnies. Looks like I need to check a Crey computer and (optionally) defeat some Crey experiments.

The abandoned hospital has a very nice creepshow vibe and seems appropriate, if a tiny bit un-Creylike. I find a Crey experiment - BK-201, which is some sort of poor unfortunate eagle-man, struggling in the bonds of a Crey force cage. So I break it loose and it engages me in combat. After stomping on it and some Crey, I proceed deeper into the hospital.


What the heck is he up to back there? Creepy eagle is creepy.

Freed NP-831, unplugged EX-355, swatted KL-462, still looking around for that computer.


EX-355. Emphasis on the EX.

When I did find the computer (apparently Crey stores their secrets in an old beat-up looking laptop on a nondescript desk - nice disguise!), it turns out they're using the carnies to make some sort of cyborg (psyborg?) supersoldiers. Once I got the information I needed, I had to defeat a security chief. I guessed the security chief was set to "rear", so I went hunting around for him toward the back end of the map. Turned out to be a crey hero... took care of him.. And got an ambush by some Crey/Carnie cyborg hybrids!! Handled them pretty easily, but they wiped out my pets while I was typing for the review, so that did put me on the edge of my seat for a second.

Strong Points

I liked the fact that the experiments are captives, then foes. I really enjoyed that final ambush by the Crey Strongmen. Showed a nice interpretation of what the Crey might do with some captive Carnies, and did a good job setting the stage for the next mission.

Constructive Criticism

It should be made clearer why I (since I'm working with the psychics) let the Crey make off with Yambu. Perhaps an explicit statement somewhere that Crey is claiming to be providing for the medical care of these people since they feel "responsible", while the Carnies continue to insist they are being kidnapped? Creates a bit of a more ambiguous he said/she said and heightens the mystery.

It's important to take care with descriptions - I generally discourage writers from telling players what their characters are thinking, as happened in a couple of the experiment descriptions.

For example:

"You don't even know WHAT this experiment is, other than dangerous!" What if I don't care what it is? What if I don't think it's dangerous because I'm a strange visitor from another world, and I'm impervious to harm?

A more neutral style is usually preferred, in which the author writes about the subject, not the player-character. For example,

"This abomination is so unusual that it would be difficult for most people to classify it. The red sparks crawling over its body and the violent howls ripping from its throat suggest, however, that one appropriate classification would most certainly be "dangerous"".

Corrupted critter description could use a little work:

"Critter failed validation and melted into a goo"

I really, really feel like the one line description for the Crey strongmen at the end of this unit was a huge missed writing opportunity. Really a nice chance to put some wonderful detail in there for the story-focused player. These Crey-Carnie hybrids are the answer to the mystery that's been building for several missions now - it would be nice to have a more powerful narrative payoff.

Mission Four

Looks like the records I recovered from the abandoned hospital had a wealth of information on Crey operations. The Crey are messing with the Carnies at a secret laboratory in Eden. It appears I can expect to encounter a lot of these hopped up Carnie cyborgs when I get there.

It also appears my job will be to recapture the former Carnies while taking care of the mad scientist behind this whole mess. Wonder if I'll get to see Yambu again? Yep - my objectives are to free Yambu, defeat the scientist, and capture all the former carnies.

Yambu was visible from the mission door. I really liked her new custom skin - the Crey reworking of the Carnie Yambu. Did make me feel sorry for all she's been through.



Looks like, after the rescue, Yambu is on my side. Is that because she's "Defective"? ...Hm, not exactly - this mission clue says it was her psychic abilities that allowed her to fight off the Crey brainwashing. A nice little added note about why the Carnival was recruiting pyschics. Fought my way through the Crey cyborgs with Yambu's help, in search of the Crey scientist and former carnies in need of help. In the end, I finished off the evil scientist, freed Yambu, and 'captured' (read: beat up) all of the Carnies.

Yambu lived happily ever after, though perhaps with a little instability in the wake of all that's happened. Formed a nice little origin story for that character - makes me wonder if she's one of @Zaloopa's toons.

Strong Points

Yambu's new duds were cool.

Constructive Criticism

Not deducting points for this, because my guess is it's a filter issue. The Crey custom group is named, "Invalidvillaingroupname". Some of the clues here are again telling me what I think - which I do not like. Not sure if this was a 'kill all' mission - but if so, please reconsider, as those are irritating. Once I've accomplished my goal I don't like being forced to grind minions until I'm rewarded with the right to live. I flew around and cleaned up mobs until it gave me the blue mission exit button, then got out of there.


Overall Impression

Storyline

*****

Excellent story line. The Mission Architect system is a difficult storytelling tool, but through in-mission dialog and liberal use of clues, a nice plot was woven that left me wondering what was coming next from point to point.

I was pleased with the fact that the interaction between Crey and the Carnival was complex and had more than one dimension.

It was also nice to get a complete picture of Yambu's character arc as I travelled a path parallel to hers.

Design

****

The custom designed mobs at the end were awesome, and Yambu's physical progression mirrored her progression as a character, so overall it was fun to watch things develop over the course of the story. In addition, the experiments added nice touches of individuality and flair to the missions. Also, kudos on the choice of the hospital map - that stage was probably the best one in the arc.

The major downside here was the back-to-back Carnies-in-a-warehouse missions. I really would have liked to have seen a little more variation here - but it wasn't enough of a problem to pull the 'Design' rating below four stars.

Gameplay

***

There were quite a few rescues to deal with in that first warehouse map, so that I find myself flying around an empty map looking for the last victim. Resolving that issue would really tighten up the Gameplay experience for that mission. Also found myself killing so I could exit on the last mission, when I really just wanted out.

Detail

**

It was frustrating to see so many great opportunities for character descriptions come up and be wasted with these custom mobs and with Yambu's ever changing form. Descriptions were present, but tended to be pretty basic one or two line blurbs.

There was also a problem with the descriptions telling me what my character thinks, which should probably be revised to a more neutral voice.

Final Rating

3.5 Stars (Rounds up to 4 in game)

@Apolinus reviews....

Arc Name: Dimension Xi Epsilon 22-10
Arc ID: 503982
Faction: "Hero, I guess" (-@L'thes)
Creator Global/Forum Name: @L'thes
Difficulty Level: "Apparently recommended at 30+ Will be locked at that once I figure out how." (-@L'thes)
Levels: 30+
Synopsis: Contact has found a new alternate dimension and would like you to check it out. Once in, you begin to delve into the missing history. (This is the first arc of a set I am planning on.)

Estimated Time to Play: 1 hr + (5 missions)

Verdict: 3.25 Stars (Rounds to 3 in game). Better than 65% of the arcs in game.

Introduction..

I'm trying to focus on arcs that aren't getting a lot of plays or publicity, or arcs from newer authors. I'm operating under the assumption that if you've got hundreds of plays, you probably don't need as much publicity or constructive criticism as the guy with three plays.

This week, it's the latest announcement in the "Announce Your Latest Creation" thread.

Since the level range is 1-54, I'm bringing my level 50 incarnate MM and running at +0 x 1.

The contact is the Stylish Dr. Carmichael, who wears a sporty white coat. I'm digging the look. It goes well with the imposing goatee/ponytail combo and the glasses.


Hanging out with Dr. Carmichael before the action begins.


Mission One

Dr. Carmichael tells me that Portal Scientists have identified a new dimension and they'd like to have a hero check it out.

It appears to be "safe" - something I immediately doubt very much, since Dr. Carmichael didn't check it out himself.

Immediately I'm wondering who these Portal Scientists are. Are they with Portal Corp? Some other group? Why am I working with Carmichael?

A check of his description tells me he is indeed with Portal Corp, so I'm guessing that's the outfit I'm working with.

So I accept by clicking "Accept", and Carmichael tells me I need to find out whether we're going to keep an eye on this dimension or just block all access to it. So I guess it's my job to decide whether this dimension ought to go on probation or go to dimension time out.

Upon arrival, I find that the dimension is apparently populated by street gangs.

Right out of the gate, I'm rescuing a mysterious civilian named Jillian who is bantering with the gang members accosting her. Apparently she predicted their doom ahead of time - a prophecy which I swiftly fulfill. Was she just blowing hot air and got lucky, or will she be important in the story later?

Next, it's time to rescue the stranded officer. I find him and save him, in the process discovering (through dialog and the police officer's description) that the gangs are practically ruling the streets and the cops are running scared. This jives pretty well with my observation in playing this map.

Ah - and another officer to rescue after that. The navbar text had me a little confused - check constructive criticism below for the details.

So I save the second officer and a couple of things are apparent:

1. Everyone can tell I'm from someplace else, possibly because
2. I'm the only one in this dimension willing to put a hurt on the gangs.

Mission's over - time to head back to Carmichael.

He says "Ceria, huh.." Which is confusing to me because Jillian's clue text says nothing about Ceria, nor does any of the dialog I encountered in the mission.

Maybe I missed it, but if it's not there, I need something to tie Carmichael's response back to the mission.

Strong Points

"The Gang" is a fairly diverse custom group and I respect the effort invested in providing descriptions for most of the characters in the first stage.

The author also shows (through Jillian's clue text) that they understand the utility of clue texts in telling a story...

I also like the fact that the author has tried to create a social environment different from that in our home dimension, where some sort of anarchy rules the streets. A good story could be built on this foundation, so I'm looking forward to future missions..

Constructive Criticism

The story could be a little richer in this first mission. There are plenty of opportunities for clue texts where the cops explain a little bit about the history of the situation - how frustrated they are that they're unable to stop these gangs. Or Jillian's clue text could be expanded. Or clue texts / non-mandatory bosses that provide a more detailed fleshing out of the gangs. (Take a standard unit like a hatcheteer, make it a 'Fight Boss' objective, and then give it some dialog to spout during the fight that characterizes the gang or their motivations or shows the player what the prevailing mindset in this dimension is.

"Who the heck are you? Nobody stands up to us!"

"Keep sticking your head up like this, junior, and we'll beat you down like we did the rest!"

Stuff like that.)

Instead, what I got was a plain vanilla rescue three units in a city streets map mission - which gets boring pretty quick since it's a fairly good sized map and I'm looking for needles in a haystack with little story content to pull me along.

Nitpicky stuff:

Street thug description:

"This thug is rampaging through the streets, causing chaos with little around to control them. They seem decently armed, but there does not appear to be anything special about them. Just your average street thug."

This description goes back and forth between singular and plural. There is no need to use a "them" anyway, since the thug is clearly male.

Hammermen and Description:

"No powers, nothing special, just a good old fashion sledgehammer for causing the most chaos, the manhole protection from what little resistance these thugs normally run into in the chaos the gang creates."

When I'm looking at an individual unit, it's a 'Hammerman'. So it's strange to see it labelled with the plural.

"old fashion" should be rendered "old fashioned".

Hatcheteer description:

" Axe in hand, few drugs pumping through their veins, called in to create damage and chaos. The Hatcheteers are class of their own, wielding their choosen weapon with deadly skill."

I might change "few drugs" to "a cocktail of drugs".

Jillian:

Jillian could use a description.


Gang Mistresses:

The Gang Mistresses have a MM powerset, summoning several minions in each fight. While on +0/x1 difficulty and fighting with an incarnate, I had no problem.

Be advised though that active MM power units can really frustrate players, since the MM minions grant no XP and yet add tremendously to the difficulty of the encounter.

Officer Rescues:

The plural descriptor is "Rescue the Stranded Officer", making in the in-game objective display as "2 Rescue the Stranded Officer"

You might want to change the plural descriptor to "Officers to Rescue" so that it reads "2 Officers to Rescue".

Ceria:

If it's not in there, something should happen to let the player character know the dimension is called "Ceria".

Mission Two

It's back to Carmichael, who has by this time set up a chain of communication with Jillian.

Jillian tells us that Ceria is apparently ruled by a couple of God-kings who smack down any and all opposition, but don't do much else in the way of governing.

She further says there are some answers hidden at some location guarded by a powerful boss of some sort, but that no one has been able to get in because of the guardian.

So it looks like I'm going to meet up with Jillian and she's going to escort me to the location of the guardian - allowing me to take it down and get us our answers.

I'm left wondering at this point where the original intent of the mission went. My goal, I thought, was to identify whether to put the dimension on probation or disallow access.

My conclusion after all this is, "Crazy anarchy dimension ruled by despotic god-kings... let's nail the door shut and never go back. There are plenty of other dimensions."

So what is Carmichael's motivation for sending me back in?

At any rate, it's off to the races.

Or the warehouse, at any rate, which is where this mission is set.

First objective: Find Jillian.

She's pretty close to the doorway, and it looks like she's been captured by gang members.

She again demonstrates her knack for predicting me arrival.

She then says "Come on, the thing's in the back!" and prompty runs out the front door, never to be seen again in this mission. Hm.

Anyhow, my next goal is to find information, so with that it's into the depths of the warehouse.

Pretty soon I encounter the guardian, who is a minotaur EB - and put the beatdown on him.


Bully for you! .... sorry.

He tells me that "They" know of me (who I presume to be the God Kings and Dark Ones everyone is talking about), so it looks like I'll be clashing with them soon.

The Guardian had a taunting scrap of paper which appears to be a note from the God Kings - they go out of their way to call me lower than the mud on their boots - it strikes me as odd they feel the need to communicate with me at all, since I'm so insignificant. Perhaps I've got them worried.

Mission's over, so it's on to the next story.

Returning the note to Carmichael, I find that he's worried. -Now- we have motivation to keep digging around in that dimension - these two immensely powerful despots know about us poking around on their turf, and we don't know much about them. That puts us in a dangerous situation - we can't just turn a blind eye now. Perhaps moving this motivation up to the end of mission one would make the story flow a little easier..

Strong Points

I liked the Guardian custom mob in this mission. He made a very imposing character, all black and ringed in flame. I also like the developing story line with these two strange, distant figures I'm trying to find out more about.

Nice work using colored text to describe Dr. Carmichael's actions upon returning. The color is a little dark - might want to lighten it up a bit for visibility's sake, but this is still a plus.

Constructive Criticism

The custom enemy group was exactly the same. It would be nice to see a little variety - maybe the gang have sent some of their tougher or more unique units to try to defeat the Guardian again, and I happen to show up in the middle of it?

Might also be nice to have some patrols belonging to whatever faction the Guardian belongs to. Servants of the Dark Ones. They could be battling the gang members all over the level.

Jillian should probably be an escort, not a rescue - and she should lead you to the defeat boss objective.

Picky stuff:

Mission introduction text:

"so I asked her about Ceria and it's history" should be "Ceria and its history".

Probably just a typo, but to be clear: Its is possessive. It's is a contraction for "It is."

Gang muscle patrol dialog:

"No kidding. One of them Dark One's're back there."

should probably be

"No kidding. One of them Dark Ones're back there."


Mission Three

Jillian's poking around for more information and - surprise, she's gotten herself kidnapped!

So it's off through the portal to rescue her. I wonder if she hangs out with Princess Peach in her free time.

I'm headed into the sewer where she was apparently last seen.

There's a piece of machinery that looks out of place in a sewer, so I check it out and find a clue... that tells me there are no clues around the contact point besides this big honking piece of technologically advanced machinery.


What is this? Why is it in the sewer? We may never know.

But somehow, I now know I need to look for a guy named David - who was mentioned casually by a gang mob in the last level. Hm.

Turns out, when I find David, that he's the second in command of the gang, and serves as its chief enforcer.

He's also never lost a fight - that is, until I happen along.

I find out that the Black Ones (Dark Ones? God Kings? These guys sure do have a lot of names) have taken her to the Judgement tower.

"Sorry, the princess is in another castle!"

Sounds like I've got a big fight brewing.

And that's it for this mission.

Carmichael mentions, upon my return, that rescuing Jillian from the judgement tower "shouldn't be too hard."

Of course not. All he has to do is stand here and wait for me to do all the heavy lifting and come back...

And it's off to mission four..

Strong Points

I like David as a custom mob, and I like this notion of having to go rescue Jillian from some evil tower. Has a very 'classic' feel to it that I think you could really play on.

Good job getting me asking questions. I was wondering what David was doing in the sewer where the Dark Ones nabbed Jillian - looks like Carmichael had the same question - so that's a strong point in terms of pulling the player through the plot and sparking curiosity.

Constructive Criticism

I think we need somewhat consistent naming for the "Dark Ones". Particlarly Dark Ones or Black Ones.

I don't understand why a high tech device was chosen as a collection, and why it gave me a clue that said there are no clues. A big honking device like that would be a huge clue.

Perhaps a rubble pile instead? Seems like that would fit better in a sewer. And the clue could be,

"There's a scrap of cloth torn from Jillian's clothing here in the rubble. Was it torn off in a struggle? Was it left for you specifically? It's not much to go on - but it's something."

One of the basic mobs could be a boss fight, and that mob could mention something about David - triggering the mandatory objective of beating David up until he tells you what's going on.


Mission Four

Carmichael sends me off to the Judgement tower to rescue Jillian.

Looks like there are new custom enemies here - servants of the Dark Ones.

Right inside the door I find David Andresyn - what's he doing here? Looks like he came to help me - at least according to what he claims. But I'm suspicious.


David lends a helping.. katana.

The map is a murky office building filled with a murky green darkness - appropriately foreboding.

The baddies are keeping an eye out for me, so it looks like the Dark Ones have warned their minions I'm on the way.

At the top of the tower I find Jillian being drained by some sort of smoky green visual. The effect works really well with the level selection - the whole thing feels spooky. So it's time to get in there and save her.


Cool effects.

Jillian points me in the direction of a strange set of caves where I will apparently finally find information about the 'Two'.

Strong Points

New custom group! I like them, and it's clear a lot of effort went into the design.

The design of this stage and the spooky effect holding Jillian really jived well with each other and with the custom group - I liked the 'Tower of Judgement' vibe.

Constructive Criticism

Some of the new custom group members need descriptions.

David Andresyn needs a description.

Nitpicky stuff:

Intro Dialog:

"It seems teh ahrea" should be "It seems the area".

"No Gang member..."

Might need to be rendered "No gang member", unless the proper name of the gang is 'The Gang'.

Send-off dialog:

"Interferance" should be redered "Interference".

Patrol dialog:

"[NPC] Cerian Claws: Keep an eye out for Apolinus.
[NPC] Cerian Fist: The Masters would be pleased if we took them out."

'Them' here is awkward. I'm just one guy.

I know it's because you don't know me character's gender, and I appreciate the neutrality - but it would be better to construct the dialog differently altogether.

"Keep an eye out for intruders."
"How I would love to deliver the head of $name on a stick to the masters."

Or some such.


Mission return dialog:

" Either way, we have our work cut out for us. Jillian says she's still willing to help, eve with what's happening"

should be,

"even with what's happening."

" She's as interested as I are in what actually happened, so she'll probably want to be with you for this part, at least for a while."

Should probably be,

"She's as interested as you and I are.."

Mission Five

Carmichael doesn't have a lot to say, which is fine - the mission is obvious: Raid the caves and get some information about Ceria.

Looks like the Dark Ones are involved in some arcane mysticism - their cave is full of shelves of books and glowing green gems.

My objective is to find Jillian again.

She's not far in - when I save her, I am ambushed by the 'Shield', a powerful guardian who, along with the 'Sword' works to serve the Dark Ones and protect this place (I think). Nice concept.

The shield releases some pulse of energy when he dies that guides me toward books that hopefully have our answers.

In the stack of books, I find a journal with clues as to what the future might bring. Clues I won't spoil - but intriguing clues.


You'll have to find out for yourself...

Strong Points

I like the concept of 'The Sword' and 'The Shield'.

Constructive Criticism

Mission send-off dialog: "avoiding most of hte known Gang locations." should be rendered, "avoiding most of the known gang locations".

Jillian rescue dialog: "Hey, thank again" should be rendered as "Hey, thanks again."

Mission return dialog: Truncates abruptly with "Come back later, Apolinus...We have work t".


Overall Impression

Overall, I think this arc reveals a lot of potential from this author. I could see a really compelling story unfolding here, and I like the dedication and attention to detail shown.

I like for each arc - even if it is a chapter in a larger storyline - to tell a complete story. This arc accomplishes that goal: It's the story of our discovering the dimension and finding out the secret behind the two who are ruling the world.

However, I'd like the narrative to be a little richer and tightened a little bit so that we can clearly see from beginning to end what our goals are and why. At present, I was confused as to why we ever went back for mission two after mission one happened.

Letting the player know earlier that the Dark Ones are aware of Primal Earth would accomplish this goal.

In general, the story could use a little polish.

All in all though, a nice arc.

Storyline ****

Four stars. Like I said, it could use a little tightening and polish, but I'd say it's better than most of the stuff out there and has potential to be great.

Design ****

Four stars. Two custom groups, each with their own unique styles, and mission maps and effects that were well chosen. Overall I'm impressed.

That fifth star is going to come from expanding the number of bad guys in the custom groups and creating a slightly more coherent vision of each group and its culture. (That's a subjective thing that's hard to really quantify.)

Gameplay ***

Pretty basic and straightforward mission objectives. Every mission started out the same - Rescue Jillian. It felt like a little bit of a slog here and there.

That said, overall the missions were pretty short and snappy with well chosen maps.

Detail **

There were quite a few minions lacking descriptions, there were several errors (typographical and grammatical) throughout the text, and I felt that the whole story could have seen tremendous benefit from richer and more numerous clue texts.

Final Rating 3.25 Stars (Rounds to 3 in game)

"Nothing to Worry About" entry and advertisement updated to reflect the honor of having been visited by the AE Storyteam.

Many thanks to Backfire and the AE Storyteam for playing through my arc. I'm honored.

Thanks again for the review, I've made some changes, and hopefully it's enough to make the arc better as a whole.

Mostly, here, I'm just responding tot he questions you had, seeing if I can clarify any of it, and whether or not the arc does a better job with it.

Mission 1-
I made it so Dr. Carmichael says he's from Portal Corp now. Dunno why I didn't in the first place.

Changed accept dialogue on all missions...I think.

I think I've made the mission itself a bit more lively, not sure if it was enough, but it's better. I fixed the navbar too, I think. Should be clearer, at any rate.

Someone mentions Ceria now. Forgot who, but someone does.

Mission 2-
I had Carmichael explain exactly why they decided it was okay to return to Ceria. Part of it was a semi-throwaway line where Carmichael says that the dimension hadn't been there before, but was now. Either way, it's explained...Is it good enough? Someone else would have to tell.

Jillian doesn't tell you to follow her this time. It didn't really make sense to, made all the sillier by the comment than running out the door.

Changed the paper...Again, in hindsight, it made no sense. Clue's still there, but different.

I only made two custom groups for this. I didn't see the need for a new set after one mission. There will be new ones as I get further along in the arc.

Reminds me, I should see if I can add a battle in there somewhere.

Mission 3-
I guess I wasn't clear on what that machine was. I changed it a bit, should be clearer that that is how Jillian talks to Dr. Carmichael.

Hmm...Need to check if I figured that out about David. I did, I think.

Mission 4-
Didn't really aim for it to be suspicious...That's really why he's there.

Mission 5-
Actually, I wasn't aiming for a Sword boss and shield boss...It was a reference to his weapons. Still, I may toy with that later.

I think I fixed the last mission return dialogue. It had the room when I finished it, but I guess the $name messed that up.

Hopefully, the new arc works better. Not asking for another test (not fair to), but again, thanks for all the feedback.