Good story! My feedback:
Technical:
- Definitely needs more proof-reading. Quite a few typos in there, and some inconsistencies with what words you capitalized and when.
- Try to keep your paragraph length more consistent. Your thoughts were fairly well organized except for that huge paragraph in the middle. That could probably be split up.
Story-wise: I found myself wanting some more details. The ending was relatively on target with that: in an action sequence, you don't want to waste words on too much detail because you'll leave the reader feeling like he's watching an episode of Dragonball Z (i.e. "Okay! We get it, you are building up this huge energy ball, and the other guy is paralyzed on the ground. JUST SHOOT HIM ALREADY!") So well done with that. But earlier in the story, I thought you could indulge more.
- What is Alister's motivation for creating this robot?
- Why is he creating something new, rather than trying to enhance himself?
- How does VF know that Alister is his creator?
Things like that. They give us a window of empathy to this main character. That way, when he dies in the end, we (the readers) want vengeance. We want to accompany VF in taking down the Malta agents. Finally, we end up feeling for this robot who lost his creator, and now has to fend for himself.
All of the above would greatly enhance your story.
@Winter. Because I'm Winter. Period.
I am a blaster first, and an alt-oholic second.
I probably shouldn't do this, but you did ask.
The piece starts out reading like an in-game bio. "A few years ago..." Not a beginning for a story, it's more like you're listening to the hero describing his past. And then it's a story suddenly with a different tone.
That big paragraph... ouch. Unreadable, sorry. I think there are several people talking in there. Always, always, always (did I say 'always') start a new line (or paragraph, preferably) when there's a new speaker. I have a suspicion that the big paragraph is a formatting problem. I hope so.
Tenses. Keep to one. There's at least one slip from past to present tense in there.
You need to start coming up with aynonyms for 'A.I.'
As an aside, Malta Gunslingers have names like Alpha-Bravo-Echo' or 'Delta-Nine-Black,' not 'GunPlay.'
ETA - the only way you'll improve is to read a lot and practice, so do both. 
Disclaimer: The above may be humerous, or at least may be an attempt at humour. Try reading it that way.
Posts are OOC unless noted to be IC, or in an IC thread.
All names of characters in quotes are my friends in game characters except for Jewelious who is my blaster. "GunPlay" is my friends former Malta member I don't remember if he had a Malta-esk codename in his bio. As this was a spur of the moment thing. I tried to proof read as much as I could. my Grammar is horrible. I'll probably do a better job when I convert it into a comic.
Also thanks for the feedback.
@Ravenswing, I'm an artist constructive criticism is a yay. as long as you don't go "This sucks" or troll I have no problem with any feedback. It is why I asked for it.
LvL 50s: Jewelious, SharktooghGrinner, Energy Fox Hound, Vibradiumforce
My words: I the bard of ages, Looking to sky for angels. I'll never be that of a the enlightened, I am only the burdened.
((OCC: Ok this is the full back story for my favorite tank Vabradium Force. Read only and give feedback please. At some point I'll do an actual comic and post it but until then I'll just write short stories.))
A few years ago an Advanced Robotics Engineer by the name of Professor Micheal Alister finsihed designing his opus in the form of a marvel of nano mesh technology. Nano mesh is a grouping of nano robots that are programed to do a specific task. In the case for Professor Alister he made a humanoid robot. It has taken Professor Alister years to get to this point. his life's work devoted to this one final creation. Early mornings and late nights, were the daily schedule for the Professor.
Professor Alister started with a schematic for his creation not knowing what to call it he labeled it Project: Defender as the nature of this mind child was to protect the people who's life he made easier though his years. Within the confines of his high rise Alister saw many people struggle against the villains that plague the beautiful streets of Steel Canyon. With in his heart he wished he could save them but all he could do is focus on his work. And work he did, he worked with many other minds to create wonders that made everyday life simpler. Now he uses his knowledge to form the skeleton of Project: Defender. Nano mesh programed to be dense, study, and light weight surpassing the human bone on every front. Encased in it's skull a super computer wrapped in and infused with Nano mesh acting like a brain that will be programed with the a revolutionary artificial intelligence that has the ability to think, feel, learn, and operate like a human.
The news shows the Skull and Hellion gang war updates fifteen people injured, one person dead. Taking the work of two eight man hero teams and a hand full of cops to get the scene under control. Alister's face frowning in a grimes adding more wrinkles to and aged face. Finishing his coffee the Professor enters his lab to work. With the skeleton complete Alister forms muscle, tendons, and needed organs like the heart, eyes, nervous system, and two lunge shaped power cells. Project: Defender is taking shape and months pass and each part is installed with great care bonded to parts as each set of nano mesh communicates with one another.
On the way home from the store Alister witnessed a small group of young heroes fending off a group of freaks he thinks their names were "Vice" and "Versea" twin tanks distracting the group of freaks while "Jewelious" with flames licking off his hand trows a ball of fire at one of the stray freak stopping him dead in his tracks along with the fire he throw the line "No runners today Freak." "Blood Maze" enters the frame shield first which knocked most of the Freaks that were surrounding "Vice" and "Versea" This gave Alister a grand idea. When he got home Professor Alister went straight to his lab and began making a shield system for Project: Defender, the program allowed Project: Defender to form or utilize any shield to protect it's self and any citizens that needed cover.
A new day and work as usual for Alister. Forming Nano mesh skin as tough as any metal in the known universe. The adaptive Nano mesh stays a dull gray waiting to be activated by the A.I. when activated the Nano mesh can change to the will of the A.I. in color, texture, and shape. All of the Nano mesh components can change size and shape to suit the A.I. With the skin and bones taken care of Alister thought about a complementing offensive power to his creations defense. Like a higher power was looking down on him the radio he station he was listening to changed to a speech given by "Statesman" he knew instantly that super strength was the answer. With his shield system he plugged it and the newly developed strength enhancement program into the basic structure of the A.I.
Waking up a bit later than he wished no doubt to the late night he put into programing the framework for the A.I. Alister continued to trudge ahead. Implanting many firewalls to safe guard the data within the A.I. Professor Alister developed the Algorithms to give this Project a human mind. Writing key codes to install a sense of right and wrong and the need to protect the weak, also a full knowledge and history of his creator. Professor Alister spent days and many long nights writing every line of code for this unique A.I. The great Professor Completed the A.I. installing it into the super computer stored within the skull of the piece of robotic art. Waiting with a mixture of anxiety and glee Alister watched as the status bar of the installation process crept small chunk by small chunk. At ninety-five percent a call came to his phone. Answering it Alister's face went from a look of happiness to terror. The status bar reading ninety-eight percent. A pounding came from Professors door. The sound of the down being kicked in Micheal digs through his desk for his hand gun. Finding it Alister types a message for his creation "When you read this know that you will are named "Vibradium Force" as the ring of it fills my mind with an image of valor. My master piece Vibradium force do me proud and protect the people of this beautiful city." Alister backed up against his creation holding his gun out before him. The door to his lab ticked open and men in black military uniforms walked in. A man with a western hat and rag over his mouth stepped in "Professor Micheal Alister. I is a honor to meet you. Look at that wondrous marvel behind you. You have really out did yourself." The tone in his voice sends chills down Alister's spin shakily Alister speaks "Y-you have n-no right to be here. Y-you Malta Scum!" From under the hat a chuckle rang out, Ice cubes rolled down Alister's back again beads of sweat began to collect and roll down into the wrinkles of his face. The voice of the man rang out again "I am agent "GunPlay" I am here to bring you and your robot back to our leader dead or alive." "Y-you will not have my opus!" Alister squeezed the tiger of his gun a bullet raced at "GunPlay" only to be evaded. With lighting speed "GunPlay pulled his gun and quickly shot Alister dead. The installation status bar one hundred percent. Project: Defender now known as Vidradium Force eyes open glowing. Looking down at the blood that painted his metal skin he leaned forward seeing Alister dead he looked up at the group that caused his fathers death. vibradium opened his mouth and a digital scream erupted from it. His skin turned a dark orange and crimson red. "GunPlay" fired multiple rounds into his chest. With super speed Vibardium was feet in front of "GunPlay" A large gleaming fist hurling into the chest of the Malta agent sending him flying through the wall. Two other operatives attacked Vibradium both meeting worse fates than "GunPlay" as he was able to teliport mid air away from the area. Five other operatives in total and one hover turret lay on the ground broken.
Vibradium turned to Alister walking over to him he knelt down to close his eyes, somehow knowing that was the right thing to do. Before standing it found his voice "Creator, I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. I'll enact your will Professor Micheal Alister." He stood and began to walk out the computer screen catching his glowing eye he stopped and looked at it. He read what the Professor left for him "I am Vibradium Force and this Paragon City and it's innocent citizens will be protected. Just as you have programed me for." Attaching the mark one shield generator to his left forearm Vibradium Force left Professor Micheal Alister's home to began his programing.
Vibradium Force now much stronger and wiser still protects the city from the villains that wish to harm it. And with the help of the Well of the Furies protect Earth.
((OCC: that is how my lovely tank came to be. Again give me feed back. On what you think. Thanks for giving it a read again I'll work on the comic version... it will be a bit more gory so I'll put a disclaimer when I post it haha))
LvL 50s: Jewelious, SharktooghGrinner, Energy Fox Hound, Vibradiumforce
My words: I the bard of ages, Looking to sky for angels. I'll never be that of a the enlightened, I am only the burdened.