Your Blue Collar Nemesis -- ID 455005 (Feedback Request)

Well, a few days ago I published my first Mission Architect work in years. I'd like to see if I could get some feedback on it.

The settings I have checked are Canon-Related, Horror (The last half, specifically), and Sci-Fi.

The storyline, without giving too much away, involves your character hiring a professional snitch to find out about a new (custom) enemy group that's appeared in Paragon city linked to several robberies and kidnappings, and you fighting them off to save the kidnap victims. It also involves Praetoria and the upcoming invasion (with another custom enemy group because I can't pick Praetorian groups yet)

The later missions can be difficult, but I managed to run them just fine by turning the difficulty down when I ran into trouble, so I recommend doing that if you run into trouble as well. As I've said, it's got custom made baddies, along with an ally in the second mission, and some twists.

It's got two unique maps (one fairly short, one fairly long), and two medium maps.

The descriptions should all be done and all the text should be there, I just need some feedback to make sure it's all working and how it is story-wise.

I may need to change the name--Nemesis is no way involved in the arc, but I figured it fit, the villains first name in there is derived from the german word for nemesis.

Mission 1:

Civillians -> Civilians (in entry popup)

Mork needs a better description. Also, the name Mork is pretty heavily associated with an old TV show, you might want to use a different name unless you're ok with reminding people of that.

Defeating Mork and his group finished the mission. There didn't seem to be any clues or anything to do besides fight Mork; this makes the mission feel too much like an ordinary police radio mission. Mork's dialog was also very generic, stuff that any villain could say. I'd suggest adding more objectives, maybe some clues, and giving the boss some more personality in his dialog.


Mission 2:

"It just so happens that there are rumors abound that..." is awkward sounding. I'd suggest rephrasing to either "Rumors abound that..." or "There are rumors that..." (in briefing).

Rather than having the contact tell the player where to go next, it would be a little cooler if the player finds a clue in the first mission (from the boss, or some other objective) that leads them to the next mission.

It seems a bit too much coincidence that not only does the contact know about the Arachnos computer with the location of the secret base, but the Sons of Cid also know and are attacking at exactly the same time, AND the Praetorian guy, Krash, also knows about this computer and is attacking at exactly the same time.

Also "Vergel" in the Michael Krashe clue should probably be "Virgil".

Gork says "Tch. You win this time, Hero." But actually he has been killed by Arachnos, I never aggro'd him.

Debriefing seems too short (only 1 sentence).


Mission 3:

The contact gives me more info that he got from Krash. I think it would be better if Krash told the player this directly (through a clue or something) rather than Krash telling Billy, then Billy telling the player.

"Save the Civillains!" objective should be "Save the Civilians".

I rescued Businesswoman and she started following me. It did not seem to satisfy the "Save the Civillains" objective. Leading her to the door didn't help either. Not really sure what I am supposed to do with her? I ended up ditching her. I think it would be simpler if you just had the hostage leave when rescued.

Saved Businessman and Officer also, same deal, didn't seem to help the objectives.

Found and killed Mork again. He still needs a better description and his dialog is still rather generic.

Saved Female Civillian (should be spelled Civilian). Again, not sure what to do with her.

Beat up Gork, who also needs a better description and dialog.

Saved Feisty Civillian (should be Civilian). Left her behind too.

Rescued Civillian (should be Civilian). He says:

[NPC] Civillian: Your in for it now! Get 'em, Kashira!

"Your" should be "You're".

Rescuing this Civillian triggers "Take down Dr. Cid". But why isn't he an objective to begin with? Is there something that makes Dr Cid appear after all the civilians are rescued? The story needs to explain this better.

I find Cid? ... "have come to Paragon City" should be "has come to Paragon City" (in his description).

I defeat Cid? and he talks about "Master Cid", which makes his description of "Dr. Vergel Cid" not really make sense. Should there be some clue that explains why I think this guy is an impostor? Also maybe there should be a clue involving him, suggesting that Krash might be in trouble since Krash was supposed to go after Cid.

It sounds like ALL the hostages betrayed while I was fighting Master Cid. Fortunately, I had ditched them all. If anyone actually led them around like they asked, though, it would be a pretty ugly trap.

"Son's" should be "Sons" in the debriefing. There's also an extra space after "drat" and before the period. This new development that the Sons of Cid can intercept medical teleporting kinda came out of the blue; needs some foreshadowing, I'd suggest adding some clues hinting at this earlier on.


Mission 4:
The contact says he won't send any more people in because the Cids keep conscripting them...but he's sending me in, so this doesn't quite make sense.

OK, this mission has plenty of clues about Operation Turncoat and The Conscription Process, which are nice; I think you may want to spread these out among your missions, though, rather than have such a huge info dump in the last mission only.

Now that we've discovered that most of the Sons of Cid are serving them against their will, isn't it kind of mean and unheroic to blow them all up with explosives anyway?

Vergel Cid looks awfully normal for an android. Maybe he should have more robot parts in his costume. The number and size of the ambushes he generated seemed a bit much.

If Dr Cid hates the Resistance so much, wouldn't it make more sense for him to stay in Praetoria? After all, there's less opportunity for killing Resistance in Primal Earth.

The final debriefing feels rather underwhelming ... I'd suggest rewriting it to make the ending seem more cool.

Decent souvenir. Though it ends abruptly with "burned down around h" ... I think you are missing part of a word there.

Regarding the Sons of Cid villain group itself, they seemed pretty bland to me, nothing really making them stand out compared to other villain groups. I think they could use some further development. Though the addition of the conscripted Arachnos and Longbow was neat. Based on the story I almost wonder if mostly re-using other mobs would make some sense, rather than having mostly custom mobs.

The plot thread about hijacking mediporter technology was never really followed up on; shouldn't we find this device and break it or otherwise prevent Cid from doing this again?

What was Billy's tie-in to this story, anyway? How does he know so much about Praetorians?

Anyway, after some thought, I decided not to rate this story - I think it would be nicer if your first rating were a good one. I hope this feedback helps, though!

I took it down for the moment as for some reason it didn't save correctly the first few times I tried changing it.

I wound up changing the names of Gork/Mork to Scarlet/Indigo, respectively, from their hair color.

I changed the objectives to be like that, and I'll run through it on test later on.

To try to give the Sons of Cid a more coherent theme, I made their dialogue more Legion-ish ("We are Legion for we are many") that kinda feel. I want them to finish each others sentences in a hive-mind sort of thing. I don't want to make them look too robotic as that would kinda mess up the horror theme--these guys are perfectly normal looking right up until they attack, when they unveil a creepy red glow from the eyes. It particularly holds true on the civilians in the trap on the third mission, when all of the sudden in the middle of the fight, all of their eyes glow red and they start to fight you. I dunno how to make the player want to keep them around without ruing that surprise.

I may make the Lts or Bosses use Electric Armor instead of Invuln like usual, but I want to keep it at least somewhat subtle.

As for Billy, he doesn't know all that much, especially about Praetorians. Just that they're a pain. At least once in the original arc, he thinks it's over before it is (now with the added mission he thinks it's over twice--and even complains on the second time). He's the guy with the access to the information that connects all the pieces into the big picture--but he can't see it himself until the end.