I've only read a small part of it so far, but the most important tip I can give you, is one of the fundamental literary techniques on writing dialogue.
Whenever a speaker changes, a new paragraph should start and the speaker identified in some way at least often enough for the reader to know who's doing the talking.
But the new paragraph for each speaker is the most important and fundamental rule of dialogue in fiction.
Also, your dialogue is a little stilted. Try to reword it so that it flows more naturally, as if you yourself would speak. It's often a good idea to look up existing official fiction on canon characters, such as the comics; to get an idea of the personalities of the characters you're using, and how they speak.
@FloatingFatMan
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Let's see...
As FFM said, new speaker, new paragraph.
You need to seriously read a text book on grammar.
Your general handling of speech follows no grammatical rules I've ever seen.
Pick a tense. The first section of the story is past tense, the second starts in present and drifts back to past, etc. I generally prefer past tense for storytelling, but present can work. It doesn't really matter as long as you pick one and stick with it.
Plotwise... what you have here is a Mary Sue story. "Oh the greatest heroes in the universe have been kidnapped and only my previously unheard of characetrs can save them!" That's fine, if you want to write stuff like that, just don't expect anyone else to enjoy it unless you're a particularly good, and very humerous, writer.
If you really want to write about your characters, write about your characters. Let them have adventures of their own. Make stuff up that isn't poor fanfic. Honestly, you'll feel better for it and more people will want to read it.
Disclaimer: The above may be humerous, or at least may be an attempt at humour. Try reading it that way.
Posts are OOC unless noted to be IC, or in an IC thread.
Please critique and/or comment on my story.
http://tinyurl.com/COHNEXUS
Have fun.
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