A Daughter's Path of Thorns feedback thread
By
ArrowRose,
Posted on: 2010-04-14 19:18 in Mission Architect
It's always nice to see new posters in this section of the forum; the AE community is small, but (for the most part) I've personally found it to be supportive of new architects. 
Unfortunately, Bombshell_Blonde, the AE community is a bit divided right now regarding a recent change to certain AE story arcs' rewards, so you might not find as much support as you usually would in the community. I suspect, when Issue 17 rolls out (providing some much-needed updates and a new reward system for AE arcs), the community will experience a resurgence of interest which will hopefully bring many new authors and players back into Mission Architect.
In any case, I'll try and run though your arc either by the end of the week or this weekend and give you some useful feedback. There are also many other reviewers in this section of the forum who can help you, but again, it's kind of a turbulent time in the community, so you might want to wait until after Issue 17. Personally, I don't care that much about rewards when it comes to Mission Architect arcs, so I won't hold it against your arc if I'm not raking in XP. 
Oh, and welcome to the AE community!
Supplemental Galactic Protectorate Fanfic
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Actually, when I designed it I wasn't thinking of how much XP the player would get. In fact, some of the mission objectives wouldn't give you xp to begin with like defending or collecting objects. I did find that there was no mission bonus at the end but they would get some tickets at least. The focus was to create an initiation ritual that would get more challenging but not mind-numbing grinding. |
Originally Posted by Mirror_Man
Unfortunately, Bombshell_Blonde, the AE community is a bit divided right now regarding a recent change to certain AE story arcs' rewards, so you might not find as much support as you usually would in the community. I suspect, when Issue 17 rolls out (providing some much-needed updates and a new reward system for AE arcs), the community will experience a resurgence of interest which will hopefully bring many new authors and players back into Mission Architect.
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Our test run with two level 10 corrs running at default difficulty level produced 13 pips (one level & a few bars) with 350 AE tickets (average for each player). The good news is that if they succeed, they'll be promoted in the group with increased access to services, ie. salvage storage.
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In any case, I'll try and run though your arc either by the end of the week or this weekend and give you some useful feedback. There are also many other reviewers in this section of the forum who can help you, but again, it's kind of a turbulent time in the community, so you might want to wait until after Issue 17. Personally, I don't care that much about rewards when it comes to Mission Architect arcs, so I won't hold it against your arc if I'm not raking in XP.
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I played this arc today. It was lots of fun and very full of details. It had a variety of maps and a creative story.
Great job and welcome to the forum.
@Gypsy Rose
In Pursuit of Liberty - 344916
The Vigilante - 395861
Suppression - 374481 - Winner of The American Legion's February 2011 AE Author Contest
Luckily, I had some free time today, so I decided to take the chance to run your arc, Bombshell_Blonde
Now, I had an "official" review thread some time ago, where I'd post full, in-depth reviews of other people's arcs. The thread ran on a QPQ (quid pro quo) system, which meant that I'd ask someone requesting me to review one of their arcs to review one of my arcs first; this system is used by many reviewers in this section of the forum. However, I've been too busy with RL concerns to maintain it, so I closed it down several months ago. I'm still hoping I can re-open it some time in the near future, but right now I just don't have enough free time to keep up with the demands of such a thread. I just hope my schedule clears up in time for Issue 17
Anyway, I sill like to give quick, (hopefully) useful feedback to new members of the AE community, and I'll admit I was impressed with your arc, Bombshell_Blonde. Most new authors to the MA system who request feedback in this section of the forum have interesting ideas for AE arcs, but they're generally applied in an "amateurish" fashion (mostly because of the author's lack of experience with the AE system). However, your arc showed an above-average knowledge of AE mechanics, had almost no spelling/grammar mistakes, and had a plot which flowed incredibly well from beginning to end. If I didn't know any better, I would've thought that this arc was made by a veteran of the AE system, not a new author.
There are, however, some nitpicks which I'd like to point out. First of all, I was impressed that you included background information on the contact for the arc, as well as titles for each mission within the arc. This is usually overlooked by new authors to the AE system, and it's small details like this which go a long way to making an AE arc look "polished" and complete. However, the titles (and subtitles) for each mission were of the same font size and color as the mission dialog, which made it seem to "blend in" with the rest of the text. You may want to consider making the font size of the mission titles larger and/or making the font of the mission titles a different color so they "stand out" for the player.
Also, most of the missions in your arc are both timed and require the player to defeat all the enemies to complete the mission. When making a timed mission in the MA system, it's considered a "rule of thumb" to warn the player of the exact time limit in the mission intro dialog, before the player accepts the mission. While the maps were usually small enough for both the time limit and the "Defeat All" objectives to be trivial, there are many posters in this section of the forum who just plain hate "Defeat All" missions (luckily, I'm not one of them).
More specifically, in the 2nd mission, there's a small problem with the clues. You have the player plant both bombs and Carnival of Shadows' masks throughout the Legacy Chain base, with the clues telling the player that they've planted "all the bombs" and "all the masks", respectively. The problem is, the 2 clues pop up after the player has planted the first bomb and the first mask, so it doesn't really "fit". This is a small (but admittedly annoying) problem when you make multiple instances of the same objective in the AE system, but the solution is simple: just re-word the clues to something along the lines of "you've planted the first bomb/mask", and work from there.
Finally, I noticed that there a several points in mission and NPC dialog where you have a character perform an action (for example, Bombshell Blonde's dialog in the fourth mission contains the action "pauses as she reads") in "text form". You might want to consider making these "actions" more "subtle", rather than just telling the player what the character is doing. For example, in Mission 3, when the contact "clears her throat", you might want to consider changing it to "ahem" or something along those lines. With the aforementioned dialog by Bombshell Blonde, perhaps change "pauses as she reads" to "..." to indicate an actual "pause". However, I'll admit this point is very nitpicky and really up to the player's preferences.
In any case, I thoroughly enjoyed the arc and honestly think you should seek further opinions on it by the other posters in this section of the forum. As with all feedback, feel free to take or leave any of my suggestions; it's your arc, after all. As for my official rating:
5 Stars
A truly masterful first arc, hopefully just the first of many. If your first arc was this impressive, I look forward to seeing what you're capable of producing as you gain more experience and skill in the MA system. Nice work, Bombshell_Blonde.
Supplemental Galactic Protectorate Fanfic
Quote:
Well, once this one is finished, I agree with the Quid Pro Quo system so I don't mind playing yours and reviewing it. It gives me a sense on what a veteran player can do with the architect system as well as another fresh pair of eyes to see what can be improved. Will you be changing any of your arcs to implement any changes to your storyarcs with the improvements in I17? If you like, I can check one of yours out. |
Originally Posted by Mirror_Man
Luckily, I had some free time today, so I decided to take the chance to run your arc, Bombshell_Blonde
Now, I had an "official" review thread some time ago, where I'd post full, in-depth reviews of other people's arcs. The thread ran on a QPQ (quid pro quo) system, which meant that I'd ask someone requesting me to review one of their arcs to review one of my arcs first; this system is used by many reviewers in this section of the forum. However, I've been too busy with RL concerns to maintain it, so I closed it down several months ago. I'm still hoping I can re-open it some time in the near future, but right now I just don't have enough free time to keep up with the demands of such a thread. I just hope my schedule clears up in time for Issue 17 |
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Anyway, I sill like to give quick, (hopefully) useful feedback to new members of the AE community, and I'll admit I was impressed with your arc, Bombshell_Blonde. Most new authors to the MA system who request feedback in this section of the forum have interesting ideas for AE arcs, but they're generally applied in an "amateurish" fashion (mostly because of the author's lack of experience with the AE system). However, your arc showed an above-average knowledge of AE mechanics, had almost no spelling/grammar mistakes, and had a plot which flowed incredibly well from beginning to end. If I didn't know any better, I would've thought that this arc was made by a veteran of the AE system, not a new author.
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| However, the titles (and subtitles) for each mission were of the same font size and color as the mission dialog, which made it seem to "blend in" with the rest of the text. You may want to consider making the font size of the mission titles larger and/or making the font of the mission titles a different color so they "stand out" for the player. |
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Also, most of the missions in your arc are both timed and require the player to defeat all the enemies to complete the mission. When making a timed mission in the MA system, it's considered a "rule of thumb" to warn the player of the exact time limit in the mission intro dialog, before the player accepts the mission. While the maps were usually small enough for both the time limit and the "Defeat All" objectives to be trivial, there are many posters in this section of the forum who just plain hate "Defeat All" missions (luckily, I'm not one of them).
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It just makes sense for a villainous arc to wipe out everyone as anyone left alive would be a witness to the crime being committed just because of the nature of the maps and the enemies involved.Quote:
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More specifically, in the 2nd mission, there's a small problem with the clues. You have the player plant both bombs and Carnival of Shadows' masks throughout the Legacy Chain base, with the clues telling the player that they've planted "all the bombs" and "all the masks", respectively. The problem is, the 2 clues pop up after the player has planted the first bomb and the first mask, so it doesn't really "fit". This is a small (but admittedly annoying) problem when you make multiple instances of the same objective in the AE system, but the solution is simple: just re-word the clues to something along the lines of "you've planted the first bomb/mask", and work from there.
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Finally, I noticed that there a several points in mission and NPC dialog where you have a character perform an action (for example, Bombshell Blonde's dialog in the fourth mission contains the action "pauses as she reads") in "text form". You might want to consider making these "actions" more "subtle", rather than just telling the player what the character is doing. For example, in Mission 3, when the contact "clears her throat", you might want to consider changing it to "ahem" or something along those lines. With the aforementioned dialog by Bombshell Blonde, perhaps change "pauses as she reads" to "..." to indicate an actual "pause". However, I'll admit this point is very nitpicky and really up to the player's preferences.
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In any case, I thoroughly enjoyed the arc and honestly think you should seek further opinions on it by the other posters in this section of the forum. As with all feedback, feel free to take or leave any of my suggestions; it's your arc, after all. As for my official rating: 5 Stars A truly masterful first arc, hopefully just the first of many. If your first arc was this impressive, I look forward to seeing what you're capable of producing as you gain more experience and skill in the MA system. Nice work, Bombshell_Blonde.
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Thanks to you and GypsyRose, as well as a few friends who have played the arc so far, I've got some good feedback and I'll be taking more until the end of next weekend before I close the thread. In the meantime, those who would still like to review the arc, please take note that the arc ID number has changed. It's now 399944. I had lost all ratings and comments when I had unpublished the arc so I could make the appropriate changes to it. It was running for five ratings on average of five stars.
Fortunately, the stars don't matter at this point, it's whether you felt motivated enough to seek membership with the Daughters of Lilith after playing the arc.
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I can say with almost 100% certainty that at least one of my arcs will undergo some very important and much-needed changes once Issue 17 goes live; as for the rest, I'll have to see what the upgraded AE system is capable of before I make any final decisions.|
Well, once this one is finished, I agree with the Quid Pro Quo system so I don't mind playing yours and reviewing it. It gives me a sense on what a veteran player can do with the architect system as well as another fresh pair of eyes to see what can be improved. Will you be changing any of your arcs to implement any changes to your storyarcs with the improvements in I17? If you like, I can check one of yours out.
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It's entirely up to you, but if you want to play the first arc in my "Galactic Protectorate" series, you're welcome to try it out. All of my "Galactic Protectorate" arcs are designed for Level 40-50 Heroes or Villains, are labeled "Neutral", and (based on the feedback I've gotten) can be quite challenging; so if you decide to run through "The Galactic Protectorate - 01", I'd suggest using a high-level character within the level range of the arc, without cranking up the difficulty level too high.
While I did design each of my arcs to be more or less "stand-alone", there is an overarching plotline, so if you don't run them in numerical order, you'd probably find the story very confusing (though you might find it confusing anyway, based on some feedback I've gotten).
Anyway, I didn't run your arc with any "quid pro quo" requirement in mind, so whether or not you decide to run through my first "Galactic Protectorate" arc is entirely up to you.
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| Is there a way to create multiple chat bubbles for the text? It's like I want my NPCs be in mission or out of mission to be able to take a breath, relax, even change emote actions. One thing, I haven't discovered although you could help is there a way to make the contact move to make him/her more alive? |
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Thanks to you and GypsyRose, as well as a few friends who have played the arc so far, I've got some good feedback and I'll be taking more until the end of next weekend before I close the thread. In the meantime, those who would still like to review the arc, please take note that the arc ID number has changed. It's now 399944. I had lost all ratings and comments when I had unpublished the arc so I could make the appropriate changes to it. It was running for five ratings on average of five stars. Fortunately, the stars don't matter at this point, it's whether you felt motivated enough to seek membership with the Daughters of Lilith after playing the arc.
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Supplemental Galactic Protectorate Fanfic
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That's probably a very smart idea. |
Originally Posted by Mirror_Man
That's fine; I've played all kinds of arcs, from origin stories to light-hearted parodies, so if your goal with your arc is to promote membership with your VG, you're definitely off to a good start. However, all published AE arcs are cross-server, so unless you've got mulitlple "versions" of your VG across all the servers, you might want to include WHICH server your VG is hosted on, so players who are anxious to join your VG will be able to find it.
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I'll be looking for more during the coming week.
Heya! Just a wee reminder that today's the last day to get your comments/complaints/ on receiving feedback before I unpublish the arc and make the rest of the necessary changes to it. I'll post here with the new arc ID when it comes back up in its final version probably on Wednesday/Thursday.
In the meantime, I just want to thank my friends and the reviewers here on board for helping me bring the best of both my storytelling abilities to this endeavour. I've learned quite a bit and hopefully all the best practices and lessons learned can be applied to my next storyarc to making it bigger, better and more epic than before for my group members and those who love to play MA storyarcs.
So far, with the cumulative running stats over 10+ reviews/feedbacks in emails/numerous tells, I'm running on average of 4.5 stars out of 5.
After I'm done posting up the arc and getting the group running up to speed with SG & coalition wide events, I'll be sure to come back to enjoy some of yours.
Heya!
ArrowRose aka @GypsyRose had seen my arc and invited me to these forums. The storyarc, is in its 2nd draft form and I'm looking for feedback before I start announcing it to the general players, especially with I17 to be released on the live servers in the near future. And speaking of I17, I'll probably go back and incorporate a few changes that the MA's improved system is offering as well.
I've gotten some good feedback already but more couldn't hurt. It's my first arc.
Thanks!
(PS - I've posted in the other thread here as suggested in the reviewers' threads somewhere).
@Jewel
A Daughter's Path of Thorns
Arc #402224
Morality: Villainous
Faction: Hellions, Legacy, Midnighters, Security, Police and Luddites, custom bosses
Your global/forum name: @Jewel / Bombshell_Blonde
Difficulty Level: Designed to be challenging if played solo. A little easier with a team. The idea though is that the team leader is going through a set of trials/challenges to be passed. However, all team members will receive the souvenir clue at the end of the arc.
Recommended Team Size: 1 preferably 2
Level Range: Minimum 10+ Recommended level range: 10-15
Typical duration: "Very Long" - 1-2 hours (5 missions)
Arc Synopsis: An initation/orientation rite of passage to be eligible to join the RPVG, the Daughters of Lilith, an elite Circle of Thorns coven. The storyarc involves the preparation of summoning and binding ritual with challenges along the way.
Warning: The subject matter contains material that may not be appropriate to all players.