Maybe try a search on "writers forum", turns up a few but I have no idea how good or bad they might be. I don't mind having a look at the first bit, I'm not sure my feedback would be worth much though.
My MA IDs:
Fiend Space: 211464
Well here's the first bit anyway.
Silence. Theres always silence in here. Ayakaro leans against the tall hexagon pillar behind him. Hes breathing heavily. Keeping his mouth shut for a moment he listens carefully for any noise. Silence. Face turning red, Ayakaro struggles to hold his breath. He tilts his head back in attempt to let the air flow fully into his nose, closing his eyes while doing so. He continues to hold his breath, still listening intently for a sign of movement. Ayakaro knows that soon he will have to open his mouth to breath, but he also realises that in doing so he will make noises gasping for air. He would rather pass out now than facing the penalty for giving his position away. He cant take it anymore. He tightens his eyes to try and hold himself back. He is trying so hard that he doesnt hear the soft thud of a pair of feet landing next to him.
Having a break are we? The voice of his captor is deep and filled with hate.
Ayakaro can feel the mans blade pressing against his throat. He slowly reaches for his own weapon but his hand meets that of his captor.
Did you really think I would be that foolish? The man laughs to himself.
The cavern they are in suddenly lights up. The man sheaths his blade and Ayakaro relaxes. The light being produced from the torches that line the walls of this cavern are blinding. Using his hands to protect his eyes from the glare as much as possible, Ayakaro looks around at all the other pillars, trying to find his bearings. He knows its impossible to tell your position in a giant cavern filled with identical pillars. So does everyone else in The Underground. But they always try to figure out how far they got.
Poor poor Ayakaro, failed again have we? The man has a wicked grin on his face. He seems to enjoy Ayakaros torture.
It took you twice as long to get me this time. Whats the matter? Did you get distracted by something shiny, Bleck? Ayakaro glares at the man, trying to suppress his rage.
No need to insult me when you cant even succeed in one physical task set for you. Besides, I was following you from the start.
Shut it! Ayakaro bites down on his tongue. His hatred for this man, known as Bleck, growing with each second.
Or what? Are you going to overpower me? Bleck is still grinning and takes a few steps towards Ayakaro so he is standing over him.
Back off! Ayakaro is talking to Blecks chest. He slowly backs away.
Marlok isnt here. What are you going to do without your bodyguard? Taking a few more steps forward, Bleck draws his blade.
Ayakaro tries to retreat again but backs into a pillar. Hes trapped. Bleck comes near him and holds his blade up against his throat like he had done before.
What are you going to achieve from this? Tears spring into Ayakaros eyes as he says this.
Dont try to talk your way out of this. Its about time somebody deals with you. Im fed up of all the special treatment you get. Spit flies out of Blecks mouth as he talks. He gently leans on his blade with his chest, making it slowly cut Ayakaros throat.
P-please! Ayakaro is gasping for air, blood is trickling down his throat.
Whats wrong? Does the poor baby want his mommy? Bleck drops his blade on the ground and with both hands he grabs Ayakaro by the head and lifts him of his feet. He presses his face against Ayakaros so that their faces are pressing against each other. Your type sickens me! He flings Ayakaro against the pillar, his head smacking against it. Ayakaro collapses to the floor in a heap, not aware of where he is for a moment. Bleck stoops down and pulls Ayakaros face over so that they are looking eye to eye. Ayakaro spits blood in his face to try and blind him momentarily. He knows that Bleck will make this last as long and painfully as possible. He scrambles to his feet and tries to run. But he is still concussed and trips over his own feet. Bleck is towering over him again. He clenches his fist and prepares to break Ayakaros nose. He reaches his arm back behind his head for maximum power but as he is about to extend his arm he freezes. Ayakaro can see a small wrinkled hand which has a firm grip on Blecks fist. Before he even realises what happens, Bleck is flying through the air and crash lands against a pillar. Bleck collapses to the ground, his body crushing his head. Ayakaro is sapped of energy and can barely keep his eyes open. Bleck is the same. The pair lay opposite each other, both motionless. The only movement in the cavern is that of an old man who walks over to Bleck, checks that he is still alive and then does the same to Ayakaro. He rips off a small piece of the maroon robe hes wearing and covers Ayakaros slit throat with it.
Youre going to be fine. The persons voice is old and shakey.
Ayakaro struggles to keep his eyes open. He squints to see who is saviour is but all he sees is a blurred face. Kontralo?
The man chuckles. If only my dear boy. If only. He places his right hand over Ayakaros face and uses his ring and index fingers to close his eyelids. Rest. Youre going to need it.
So... Any comments? This is my first proper attempt at a novel and it's quite hard just to keep going with it as it's a slow progress so any comments will be greatly appreciated.
I want more! *giggles*
Now for comments:
In the first bit the holding his breath part.. I think it's too detailed on how he holds his breath. It could do less about holding his breath and more about Ayakaro's position at that point.
If that is the start of your noval anyway.
You may want to mention the cavern is big immediately. The word cavern mostly gives an image it's not that large.
At the end..
"He presses his face against Ayakaros so that their faces are pressing against each other"... With this sentence you're saying that they are pressing faces against eachother twice.
"Bleck stoops down and pulls Ayakaros face over so that they are looking eye to eye." pulls his face over? Shouldn't that be turning Ayakaro's head? Sounds to me like he's littarly trying to pull Ayakaro's face off.
And they way you put it on the forum...is not novel (book) style.
That's forum style. Maybe you put it on here in forumstyle on purpose, I don't know.
But in book style there aren't that many "enters" inbetween sentences. It should just go on. If you follow me.
Otherwise... keep writing!
I'd love to read more about Ayakaro and why he's in that situation and why Bleck makes him so angry 
CoH Fan-Art Sale still several slots open!
Read my in-game stories and check out my DeviantART page.
- coXso - It was a memorable time filled with art!
Read my in-game stories and check out my DeviantART page.
- coXso - It was a memorable time filled with art!
Yay! I did put in all the enters for forum reading hehe.
Also I had a feeling there might be a few lines which could be fixed, at the moment I'm just focussing on getting the first draft written and then worrying about fixing it up lol.
Thanks for the comments It's stuff like "I want more! *giggles*" that gets me to keep writing it lol.
Some of you might have noticed now and then a thread made by me which mentioned me writing various stories etc which died quickly. This has been because as part of an English project, my teacher is forcing me to write a novel (since I lose faith in my novels what with the amount of time it takes to make them and so on...)
I know there are websites for sharing creative writing but I can't find any (with my bad web searching/ short attention span...) Anyhoo! Would anyone be able to reccommend a site which would be good for getting criticism back? Also if anyone would like to see the first bit and give me criticism that'd be great, but it isn't related to City of Heroes.