Trace Element- Origin story.
By
A_Random_Thing,
Posted on: 2008-10-18 16:49 in Multi-Media Fan Creations
I am too amazed by the quality to form a coherent post.
...Heeeeey.
In all seriousness, this is very good. I'd give it a... 8/10. 
Awesome. ^.^ =D *holds up 100 sign*
[Union Roleplayers]Kiken: Tick the off in your Observer Book of Lesbians
[Union Roleplayers]Nitro v. IV: we need a perma-man feature
[Union Roleplayers]Nitro v. IV: I'd trust you more if you did it in front of me
Gotta love dem dere RolePlayers
Yes, rather good. Interesting story. Leaves you wanting more. And probably one of the more technically well written pieces I've seen here as well.
If you want actual criticism, some of the speech comes over a little wooden. Note the emphasis.
Disclaimer: The above may be humerous, or at least may be an attempt at humour. Try reading it that way.
Posts are OOC unless noted to be IC, or in an IC thread.
Thank you for the comments 
Any particular bits you can point out, Ravenswing? I like constructive criticism, it allows me to improve (hopefully) before I start on NaNo this year 
The Purple Party Pagan of Paragon
Globals: @Morgana Fiolett / @Genevieve Moore
Altoholic with too many characters to count now I have all these shiny servers...
Meh, now I have to think and it's almost midnight...
[ QUOTE ]
"Okay, miss, we're going to take you over to the hospital, it's not far. Don't be afraid."
With a flash, the shadow of the tree disappeared, and the sound of the traffic stopped. She felt as if her heart had leaped up into her throat, and gasped slightly.
"Shh, it's okay miss, we just teleported you to the hospital. The doctors here are going to take care of you."
[/ QUOTE ]
This section feels wrong somehow. Could be just a 'I would have done it different.' The two sentences broken up by the description. The scene doesn't flow right. Seems a bit stilted.
[ QUOTE ]
"You guys, are you, like, totally incapable of behaving yourselves?!" she whispered to them, trying not to burst into laughter herself.
[/ QUOTE ]
I'd have gone with "You guys... Are you like..." Something that breaks the first part off more. Maybe an exclamation mark.
[ QUOTE ]
The woman gasped sharply. "What do you mean, however? What has happened to my daughter?"
[/ QUOTE ]
The 'however' needs something to emphasise it, like what I did back there.
I'm not sure exactly what I meant by wooden. Reading over it again there's only the longbow bit that comes across badly. And Longbow troops are made of wood, as far as I'm aware.
(Edit) Don't know if it helps, but it helps me to imagine the character saying it. Pace the punctuation to reflect the speed I feel like it should be said.
Disclaimer: The above may be humerous, or at least may be an attempt at humour. Try reading it that way.
Posts are OOC unless noted to be IC, or in an IC thread.
A nice start to the story and something a bit different for a creation tale.
There are a few edits that you'll need to do and some bits where you have repeated the same word very close to itself, which makes for slightly difficult reading. But a couple of changes would sort that out easily. I've highlighted some examples below.
There is also one bit where you've changed the spelling of the doctor's name.
Story wise I like the idea and the way it's portrayed. The only thing I think it's missing is a bit more action when she gets kidnapped.
Also would her daughter really turn to face her anyway? As she's only just gone blind I'd expect her to still have her old reactions and instinct which would make her want to face the speaker.
Editing points:
The door burst open, and two girls burst in giggling loudly. Repetition.
Tina waved half-heartedly as Lily and Hannah left, wishing that she hadn't left essay to the last minute
Repletion.
(Some aspects of this story have been purposefully left mysterious - I plan to try and write further stories for this character in the future but I doubt I'll get around to it until at least December. Feedback will be appreciated.)
The sunlight shone through the blinds, lighting up the library in golden shafts. Inside all was quiet, bar the odd cough, the rustle of turning pages, and the gentle tapping of computer keyboards.
The door burst open, and two girls burst in giggling loudly. The librarian looked at them over her horn-rimmed glasses and shushed them. They giggled again, and put their fingers to their lips in mock seriousness. Tina Edwards looked up from her screen and beckoned them over.
"You guys, are you, like, totally incapable of behaving yourselves?!" she whispered to them, trying not to burst into laughter herself.
Her best friend Hannah smiled as she perched on the corner of the desk, flicking her long blonde hair back over her shoulder. "You know we are, T. So what are y'up to?"
Tina grimaced and gestured at the computer and the pile of open books next to it. "Essay. Due tomorrow. And if I don't finish it, the Professor's gonna fail me."
"Ouch," Lily leaned over Tina's shoulder and turned over one of the books to look at the title. "You gonna be stuck here a while, then?"
Tina sighed. "Yeah. You guys go on without me, I'll try to meet you later, okay?"
"Okay," Hannah stood up a little reluctantly. "Just don't sit here staring at that screen all night, hon, or you'll go blind!"
Tina waved half-heartedly as Lily and Hannah left, wishing that she hadn't left the essay to the last minute, as usual. She rubbed her eyes and looked back at the screen.
"Just another fifteen hundred words..." she muttered to herself as she put her fingers back on the keys.
An hour later, her essay finished and printed off, she picked up her books and left the library. She stopped in the university lobby to put her headphones on and turn her MP3 player on. Hugging her books to her chest, and nodding slightly to the beat of her music, she set off towards the monorail station. She walked quickly and confidently, keeping a wary eye out ahead of her for Outcast thugs and the ubiquitous Council recruiters. She paused near the Vault to turn the volume up on her favourite song, and didn't hear the van pull up behind her. She was, in fact, completely unaware of it until strong hands grabbed her shoulders, a hood was pulled over her head, and she was bundled into the back.
---------------
Paragon City Post- Wednesday 16th July.
Student Missing, Police Fear Foul Play
Paragon City Police Department are investigating the disappearance of a young Paragon City University student, last seen on Monday. Tina Edwards, 17, was recorded on CCTV leaving the Steel Canyon campus at approximately seven pm, and has not been seen since. Textbooks checked out in her name were found in the street, near to tyre marks which are believed to be from a grey van seen in the area, which police are keen to trace.
Miss Edwards is of average height, with blonde shoulder-length hair, and was last seen wearing black trousers and a green T-shirt. Anyone who was in the area at the time and may have seen her is encouraged to contact Detective Rogers on 555-100-2498.
---------------
Grass. It felt like grass, underneath her hands. She lay still in darkness, wondering where she was, before suddenly realising that her hands and feet were no longer bound. Moving her hands slowly, afraid she would be stopped, she tugged at the cords that tied the hood over her head and finally pulled it away. The light was dazzling, so bright that she could see nothing through it. She winced, blinked, and rubbed her eyes. Nothing changed. She groped around in the dazzling light, moved her head this way and that, and finally found form in the whiteness- a faint grey shape. She crawled towards it and it grew more solid, and darker, and eventually took shape as a tree. Whimpering slightly, she curled up in it's shadow and covered her eyes with her hands, trying to block out the brightness. Around her, she could hear the sound of traffic.
A voice cut through the pain in her head.
"Sergeant! Over here!"
She peeped through her fingers and winced again at the light. There was a figure- undoubtedly a person- coming towards her. She pushed herself back against the tree, trembling. Behind the first figure, a second one appeared.
"Miss? Don't be afraid, we're from Longbow. How did you get here?"
"L..l...Longbow? Where... where am I? Why can't I see?" Her voice shook as she began to panic.
A reassuring hand gently touched her shoulder. "Don't worry miss, we're going to take care of you. You're in Galaxy City, do you know where that is?"
She swallowed hard, her mouth dry. She felt like crying but the tears wouldn't come. The light around her started to take on colours in vague forms, and her hands tingled in a way she'd never felt before. She nodded and sniffed.
"Okay, miss, we're going to take you over to the hospital, it's not far. Don't be afraid."
With a flash, the shadow of the tree disappeared, and the sound of the traffic stopped. She felt as if her heart had leaped up into her throat, and gasped slightly.
"Shh, it's okay miss, we just teleported you to the hospital. The doctors here are going to take care of you."
She put her hand up to touch the Longbow who had brought her here and suddenly gasped. The strangest sensation flooded through her, from her fingertips. It was like tasting a colour. She felt like she was spinning, and lights and shadows whirled around her. She closed her eyes and slipped to the floor in a faint.
---------------
The room was decorated in pretty pastel colours, with cheerful pictures of flowers on the wall and comfortable chairs. The middle-aged blonde woman standing by the window chewing her fingernails didn't look cheered up or comfortable, and as the door opened she turned around quickly, worry painted all over her face.
"Mrs Edwards, I'm Doctor Allcome, would you like to take a seat?" The doctor gestured at the chair next to his as he sat down, smiling encouragingly. Mrs Edwards sat down quickly, leaning forward and looking at him intently for some clue.
"How is my Tina? What's happened to her? Why won't they let me see her?"
The doctor looked down at the charts in his hand briefly. "Tina is, to all standards, perfectly healthy, Mrs Edwards. On that count, you don't need to worry at all, she's in no danger. However..."
The woman gasped sharply. "What do you mean, however? What has happened to my daughter?"
The doctor put his hand over hers gently. "To be honest, Mrs Edwards, we don't know what happened to Tina. It doesn't seem to be medical at all. We are calling in experts from Freedom Corps, they may be able to tell us more. Now, Tina has been asking for you, and I am going to take you to see her, but you have to be prepared for what you're going to see. She looks.. rather different."
Mrs Edwards stared at him, silently. Her mouth moved, but she couldn't frame the question.
"It's best that I take you to her, rather than try to explain. I just want you to be ready."
They left the waiting room and walked down the clean corridors of Cygnus Medical Center to the private room where Tina was being treated.
Doctor Allsome put his hand on the door handle and looked at Tina's mother. Looking nervous, she nodded, and he opened the door. Inside, Tina lay on the bed, her eyes closed. Her long hair was spread out across the pillow in a bright green cascade.
"Oh my...." Mrs Edwards gasped slightly, and hesitated for just a moment in the doorway before rushing forwards and sitting in the chair next to her daughter's bed. She reached out to tuck Tina's hair behind her ear and gasped again.
"Her ears! They're like.. like an elf or something," she whispered.
In the bed, Tina stirred. Without opening her eyes, she turned her head towards her mother. "Mom? Is that you?"
Her mother nodded. "Yes honey, I'm here..." She frowned a little. "Why won't you look at me, honey?"
In the corner of the room the doctor cleared his throat. Mrs Edwards turned to look at him.
"There are a few things that we have been able to establish for certain. One of them is that Tina is now effectively blind, by normal standards. She can perceive shadows and... well, she appears to have some new senses and abilities, which is something that we hope one of the Freedom Corps specialists can help us with. We ran tests on her hair, and it seems to be composed mostly of Farvesium, a chemical which is usually only ever encountered as a trace element. That would explain the green colour. How that happened, well we still don't know."
Mrs Edwards put one hand over her mouth, and with the other hand stroked her daughter's bright green hair.
"Abilities," she whispered. "Freedom Corps... You mean... my daughter could be like... one of those heroes?"
The Purple Party Pagan of Paragon
Globals: @Morgana Fiolett / @Genevieve Moore
Altoholic with too many characters to count now I have all these shiny servers...