A Secret For A Leg Or Two (My first hero story)
By
BurningFist_EU,
Posted on: 2008-08-14 19:57 in Multi-Media Fan Creations
No comments 
Even if you don't like it please let me know, you don't have to say why :P I probably won't post more if I cant get feedback...
<grin> I was just reading and typing.
Certainly a good start and Ill be reading the next bit. Ive noted a few editorial points which I hope will help when you write the next bit.
You should be capitalising the doctor if its the name of a character.
The bit about the two men in aprons coming around a corner just needs a bit of clarification at the start of the sentence rather than the end on where it is in relation to the archway. The same with where the ladder up to the street is in relation to the archway. Just something like,
just ahead
or
two meters in front of them. would do fine.
head off of the cold
should really be
head on the cold
Id change the sentence in the fight scene that starts The second surgeon raises
to a series of shorter ones so that the reader gets the idea of a quick, snappy fight.
I like the fact that you avoid over using he said, he asked etc. but the section quoted below just looses a bit of clarity around who is saying the sarcastic line at the end (of the quote):
[ QUOTE ]
Where is he?!
Gagging for air the surgeon spits out the sewage in his mouth and croaks Hes somewhere where you are not.
I can do this all day. The surgeon is put under and pulled out again.
Well actually you have less than twelve minutes.
[/ QUOTE ]
Hehe if only i had waited a few more minutes.
After writing the first part I didn't really bother to proof read it. It was the first piece i had written in months and just HAD to get it up. I now realise some silly mistakes which could be better and some you pointed out like the quote and the end of your post made me want to slap my head for being so stupid. Thank you for your comments 
I shall be putting up the next part sometime today.
Not bad at all, there's some nice writing in there and the story goes along well.
The only thing that would help it read better is if it was a bit clearer about who was doing what to whom.
Eg: "The one legged surgeon is being held up against the wall above his fallen comrade" might be better if it explicitly says that Flying Pie is doing the holding.
In action-type scenes the interactions are everything, and I think it's better to state what may seem blindingly obvious than to leave it to the reader to infer the action. IMO it's better to be explicit than implicit, if you know what I mean.
Good job though, I'm looking forward to reading the next bit
I have recently had a lot of writer's block (and laziness) so i decided to write a short story. This is my first attempt at writing a story about one of my city of heroes characters. The names of the characters are a bit silly but hey, that's how my heroes are
Any constructive criticism would be appreciated 
I'm writing more and will post the next chunk soon. So here it is:
A Secret For A Leg Or Two
Silence. Apart from the rivers of human waste flowing about the sewer all was silent. It would seem that for once the sewer network was empty. But life is never that simple.
Im picking up signs of Vazhilok patrols coming our way master.
How many?
One patrol coming towards us, four bodies, 47 seconds until confrontation master.
That will do. Wait here for my signal.
Yes master.
A soft shuffling of feet moves up a wall and along the ceiling. The creator of this noise is masked by the shadows. The shuffling comes to a stop above an archway, casting a shadow over the sewage which passes below. Voices can be heard echoing along the sewer walls.
I spend all day working on those damn zombies and when I finally get free the doctor calls me down here to watch civilian innards float about.
Quit moaning will you? All we have to do is stand here and well get a promotion.
You actually believe that? Somethings up, either the doctor is expecting company or he just needs more human subjects.
Quiet! I think I hear something...
Two men wearing aprons and surgeon masks come around a corner cautiously, each with a cleaver in hand. They tip toe along, staying close to the walls as if listening for voices echoing off of them. They come to a pause just before the archway.
Whats up? The mans voice is low and shakes with fear.
His comrade puts a finger to his lip and points with his other hand at a ladder which leads up to the streets of Steel Canyon. Theyve increased police patrols over the last few nights, wouldnt want them to hear us coming for them would we?
The doctor told us not to harm anyone unless attacked.
Well sometimes the doctor isnt right. I have a craving for bloodshed.
The two continue onwards under the archway. When they are a few yards past it the sewer fills with the sound of nails on a chalk board.
What the... The two surgeons look up but its too late.
Something drops from the ceiling and lands between them.
I was up! The assailant swipes at one of the surgeons legs with his katana and chops it clean off while grabbing his mouth with his free hand to muffle his cries of pain. The second surgeon raises his cleaver high in the air and prepares to strike but is cut short by a bolt of energy which shoots out from the shadows, smacking him in the chest and causing him to fly backwards into the wall. He smacks his head off of the cold moist wall and slumps to the ground in a heap. The one legged surgeon is being held up against the wall above his fallen comrade.
Wheres the doctor?! The assailants voice is deep and filled with hatred.
I wouldnt tell you such things! The surgeon spits at his attacker.
How much time before more come? The attacker turns to his companion, both of their faces now viewable in the light. The sword bearer is the well known hero Flying Pie. Famous for his name and his lust to see justice be done. Infamous for his brutal methods of obtaining that justice. Behind him stands his trusted sidekick, Wufflebot.
Approximately twelve minutes master.
Thats enough. Flying Pie throws the surgeon onto the ground and stoops down next to him. He grabs his head and forces it under the sewage which travels around these underground tunnels. After about ten seconds he pulls the surgeons head out and stares into his eyes. Where is he?!
You stupid hero! Youll never get to him!
His head plunges under once more and his legs flail about helplessly like a fish on land. After another ten seconds he is pulled out again.
Where is he?!
Gagging for air the surgeon spits out the sewage in his mouth and croaks Hes somewhere where you are not.
I can do this all day. The surgeon is put under and pulled out again.
Well actually you have less than twelve minutes.
Flying Pie growls and thrusts the surgeon underneath once more and this time when he takes him out he holds his blade against the mans throat. If you wont talk then Ill just have to let the truth spill out of you.
Master I wouldnt do that. If he is put through any of your interrogation methods again he will die.
The surgeon laughs manically in triumph.
Well then. I have nothing to lose. With a quick flick of the wrist the surgeons throat is slit and blood begins to ooze out. Only a small slit was made, enough to immobilize him in pain but not enough to kill him quickly. Activate termination programme 253.
Termination programme 253 activated. Time until completion equals forty five seconds. I would also like to remind you that we will have some company in approximately fifty seconds.
Wouldnt want things to be too clean now would we? Flying Pie keeps his blade drawn and advances to the corner and waits for his prey.