The Origin of Nucleopatra

It's a story, it's all writing and I'm not gonna post it here because forums suck for reading on, so here's a link to a web version: Nucleopatra: Origin

---

First of all, it was a lot better than I generally expect. I was really surprised at just how well written it was.

A very good story. There has to be more to how Nucleopatra and Cleo came to be however for me to simply just believe it but if there is to be more of that to come later then great. I am a bit lost on how people didn't die of radiation poisoning but then whatever I read or watch there is always something hard to grasp. Like how does James Bond follow a plane off a cliff on a motorbike and catch it up? Ya get me? One little trap to watch is the over use of the same words. I felt wise guy came up just a tad too much and used too close together. However 5 stars mate!

---

He will honor his words; he will definitely carry out his actions. What he promises he will fulfill. He does not care about his bodily self, putting his life and death aside to come forward for another's troubled besiegement. He does not boast about his ability, or shamelessly extol his own virtues. - Sima Qian.

Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it

I know what you mean about there needing to be more about them meeting, I thought the same thing when I read it back first time. There's definitely more to be told but it didn't really fit in that story and I didn't want to make it much longer anyway. Once I've figured how expose more and think up a story to go with it I'll post it. There's definitely another story or two in this.

Oh yeah, and the Family guys in the sewer all died of radiation, I was alluding to it when Halloran tells Cleo that they had to take the bodies up to Terra Volta instead of the morgue. The ones in the yard above ground were the ones that Cleo "left laying around". As for Cleo herself, she's pretty much radiation proof now

It's an easy trap to fall into though, as a writer you know everything that happens but you don't always want to spell it out too obviously for the reader, and sometimes things don't come out as clearly as you'd hoped. There's a few more niggles I have with it so I'll come back to it for some rewriting when I've done the next story.

Anyway, thanks again for the feedback, it's always appreciated.

---

Here's Act 2 and a link to the slightly revised Act 1. I kinda had to change the mummy and Cleo's "passenger" from Nucleopatra to a different character called Salinah-Het for reasons that will become apparent in Act 3 - Future Shock.

Act 1 - A Meeting of Minds
Cleo Brown uncovers a Family plutonium smuggling racket - and picks up a hitchhiker.
Act 2 - Consequences
A mysterious bomb attack on the Crescent leads Cleo on a desperate chase across the city to find the perpetrators.

---