An Interview with Statesman (Spoof)

Originally posted prior to the board cleanup, this has since been deleted (fancy that). Here's the original, with the sequel to follow straight after.



Disclaimer: Just a bit of fun- not to be taken too seriously...




An Interview with Statesman (Part 1):


[The offices of NCSoft’s City of Heroes Development team. Three of the Development team, STATESMAN, GEKO and POSITRON are sat informally in a meeting room, talking quietly amongst themselves. In walks a REPORTER. They shake hands with the REPORTER, who sits down with them.]

Reporter: “Thanks for agreeing to the interview guys.”
Statesman: “No problem. Your magazine has always said good things about City of Heroes.”
Reporter: “Glad to be here. Ok, lets make a start on this shall we?”

[He opens a pad of notes and lays it on the table in front of him, flipping periodically through the pages.]

Reporter: “Ok… let’s see. Now, COH, the first ever Super-Hero MMORPG, has been live for over a year now. You’ve built and maintained a loyal base of subscribers, recently instituted PvP, and you’re about to launch a new ‘sequel’ to the game, “City of Villains”, where the shoe is on the other foot and you get to play a Super-Villain. Correct so far?”
Statesman: “Pretty much.”
Positron: “Yep.”
Geko: “It’s the latest thing.”
Reporter: “Now, you’ve agreed to this interview because you’re looking to promote the latest batch of updates, known as “Issue 5”, to the gaming community. Now, the changes you’ve proposed here seem mostly great, but I do have a few questions.”
Statesman: “No problem. We’re always happy to answer your questions.”
Reporter: “Now, as I understand it, you’ve proposed a rather sweeping alteration to the game-balance for this update. Now, from my research, this has thrown up a lot of controversy amongst the COH subscribers.”

[The three Dev’s glance at one another.]

Positron: “Where did you hear that?”
Reporter: “The official forums for the game, mostly.”

[The Dev’s laugh quietly.]

Reporter: “Did I say something funny?”
Statesman: “Just that I wouldn’t place too much faith in what the guys on the forums say.”
Positron: “I think I can say- categorically- that their opinions aren’t representative of the COH community in general. In fact…”

[POSITRON never gets to finish his sentence. He is interrupted by the sight of CUPPAJO entering the room at that exact moment. CUPPAJO is covered entirely in feathers.]
Cuppajo: “Hi dudes.”

[The REPORTER remembers his journalism training:]

Reporter: “Cuppajo, why are you covered entirely in feathers?”
Cuppajo: “Sorry about this, States. Got ambushed by a couple of forum members. Forgot to take the decoy car and my bodyguards were useless…”

[STATESMAN is frantically clearing his throat.]

Cuppajo: “… anyway, the armoured car took a battering. I think we’re putting the rooftop snipers in the wrong place, and… what’s that you’re saying? Something about chopping at the throat? Well they haven’t done that yet but…”

Statesman: “We were just talking to the REPORTER about the positive reaction that I5 has got.”
[CUPPAJO stifles a laugh, realises States is being serious and suddenly notices the REPORTER.]
Cuppajo: “Hello.”
Reporter: “Why can I smell tar?”
Cuppajo: “Guess.”

[CUPPAJO hastily exits the room in a flurry of feathers. The REPORTER stares after her for a few moments, then tries to compose himself. He begins again.]

Reporter: “Ok… perhaps it would be helpful if you went over the reasons why you felt these changes- ‘nerf’s’, to use the term everyone else does, were necessary.”
Statesman: “Certainly. It all started just a month after the first release of CoH, funnily enough.”
Positron: “I remember.”
Geko: “Yes.”
Statesman: “We’d spent a lot of time when the game was still under development making sure no powerset or archetype was ‘better’ than the others, so we were absolutely mortified when we made a shocking discovery.”
Reporter: “Which was?”
Statesman: “Imagine, after all the fine tuning we’d done. All the effort making sure the DPS rates of the powersets were equivalent after factoring in different roles, imagine that. And then we found something so shocking, we just had to act.”
Reporter: “And that was?”

[The three Dev’s trade a glance. STATESMAN speaks in a hushed tone, and wears a look of absolute horror on his face as he speaks.]

Statesman: “We found…”

[He stops to compose himself. Then begins again.]

Statesman: “We found that some players… were actually better players than others!”
Positron: “You can imagine the problem we had. Some players were actually using their brains to create optimum characters!”
Geko: “Terrible.”
Positron: “They were doing research into enhancements, discussing strategies, using tactics, fer chrissake!”
Geko: “Horrible.”
Positron: “What about all the bad players? What about the guys who wanted to six-slot ‘Jump-Kick’? Who was going to speak out for them? We had to do something.”
Geko: “Absolutely.”
Statesman: “It hasn’t been easy of course. Every time we’ve managed to spoi… improve the fun on a specific powerset, players have just gone and started different characters.”
Geko: “Imagine that.”
Statesman: “So we had a brilliant idea for I5- nerf everything! That way no-one can escape.”
Geko: “It’s the latest thing.”

[The REPORTER doesn’t know what to say for a moment.]

Reporter: “Umm, amazing. [Takes a deep breath] Now, there’s something of a conspiracy theory doing the rounds that the reason for the extremity of the nerfs to certain characters- in particular, Invulnerability Tankers, has been your inability to balance the AT’s for PvP play and balance the CoH archetypes against the CoV ones. And that with CoV on the way, even more serious nerf’s to powersets are on the cards.”
Statesman: “You know, I’ve heard this a few times, but I’d just like to reassure your readers that that there’s absolutely no truth to the rumour whatsoever.”
Reporter: “Are you crossing your fingers?”
Statesman: “Absolutely not.”
Reporter: “I can see you doing it.”
Statesman: “You must be mistaken.”
Reporter: “You’re sitting two feet from me. I’m not.”
Statesman: [Points behind the REPORTER] “Look! A bear!”
Reporter: “Umm… ok. Perhaps it would be more helpful if you simply listed everything you want the tanker, as an archetype, to be able to do.”

[The Dev’s tell the reporter.]

Reporter: “Right. So, let me get this straight… You want tankers to absorb aggro… but you don’t want them to herd… You want them to be meat-shields but not to have good enough defences for a full-sized team… So, effectively what you’re saying to me is that you want tankers to commit suicide in the first ten seconds for the good of large groups.”

[STATESMAN, GEKO and POSITRON trade a glance. STATESMAN mulls this over for a second and answers:]

Statesman: “Yes.”
Reporter: “Then what’s to stop tankers simply refusing to join large groups?”

[The three trade a look and break out in knowing smiles. GEKO clears his throat.]

Geko: “Poorhouses.”
Reporter: “Come again?”
Geko: “Poorhouses. If a tanker quits a team too often, or refuses to tank or gets himself killed continually and quits in disgust, he gets stripped of all influence and teleported to a special area in the game we’re calling a ‘poorhouse’. It’s like a prison for poor people…”
Positron: “Yeah, the tanker can’t leave until he promises to join a large team and get killed a lot. And the best thing is, other archetypes can visit the poorhouse, and insult the tanker and throw rotten vegetables at him.”
Geko: “It’s the latest thing.”
Reporter: “But many tankers would rather die than go into the poorhouses!”
Statesman: “Then perhaps they should die, and reduce the surplus population.”

[There is a moment’s silence.]

Reporter: “Umm, anyway… What do you have to say to all of those who want to solo under the new system?”

[The three Dev’s trade a blank look.]

Statesman: “I’m sorry, what?”
Reporter: “Some people have expressed a concern that you focus too much on enforcing strict combat roles, thereby leaving casual gamers out in the cold. That the new balance will not only exclude tankers but will make rigid combinations of certain characters- particularly Defenders- the only way to level up effectively in teams. That this is entirely the opposite of what you said to the community when the game first went live.”
Statesman [thinks about this for a minute]: “What?”
Reporter: “They think the defence changes will mean that the only two truly solo-friendly archetypes, scrappers and tankers, are now going to require a defender even for small mobs…”

[The REPORTER stops talking for a moment, his voice trailing off as he waits for a reply from STATESMAN. A long moment passes then STATESMAN finally speaks.]

Statesman: “What?”
Reporter: “Umm… What is it you don’t understand?”
Statesman: “What was that word again?”
Reporter: “Word?”
Statesman: “Yes, that word you just used.”
Reporter: “You mean, solo?”
Statesman: “That’s the one.”
Reporter: [takes a deep breath]: “S-O-L-O. That one?”
States: “I’m sorry, I don’t follow…”
Reporter: “S.”
Statesman: “Yep.”
Reporter: “O.”
Statesman: “Uh huh.”
Reporter: “L.”
Statesman: “Got you.”
Reporter: “O.”
Statesman: “With you.”
Reporter: “Soooooooohhhhhlooooooooooohhhhhhhhh…”

[Pause.]

States: “Nope. Still not getting it…”

[The REPORTER takes this in.]

Reporter: “I’m sorry… are you trying to tell me that you don’t know the meaning of the word ‘solo’?”

[Another pause.]

Statesman: “Yes.”

[GEKO finally takes pity, leans over and whispers to STATESMAN]

Geko: “He means not playing in a team.”
Statesman: “Ah…”

[A brief look of comprehension crosses his face, combined with puzzlement at why anyone would want to do that. The look quickly passes.]

Statesman: “Sorry, thought I had it there.”
Reporter: “Never. Mind.”

[There is a muffled scream and the unmistakeable sound of tar and feathers being torn off flesh.]

Cuppajo: “Oh dear godddd!!!!!!!”

[Another rip, and another scream. The REPORTER makes a decision.]

Reporter: “Ok, last question.”
Statesman: “”Fire away.”

[The REPORTER points to a spot just behind the Dev’s.]

R: “Look! A bear!”

[The Dev’s turn. The REPORTER runs out of the office, and away from NCSoft, never to return.]



[End]

As promised, I finally found a rainy afternoon to spend writing this.


An Interview with Statesman, Part II:



[Setting: A small, cheap looking restaurant, not far away from the offices of NCSoft. The REPORTER and CUPPAJO are sat across a table facing one another, drinking from coffee mugs. They are talking quietly; the REPORTER has a worried expression on his face.]

Cuppajo: “Thanks for this. I really owe you one.”
Reporter: “No problem.”
Cuppajo: “And thanks for being so understanding about the last interview.”
Reporter: “Why are we here and not in the main building?”
Cuppajo: “Ermm, that’s a long story. I’ll let the Dev’s respond to that one.”
Reporter: “They couldn’t get past the murderous mob again, could they?”
Cuppajo: “If I say ‘no comment’, will you leave me alone?”
Reporter: “Probably. You feeling better now?”
Cuppajo: “Yeah. All healed up. Don’t think I’ll ever eat chicken again, though.”
Reporter: “Where are they?”
Cuppajo: “They should be here any second.”

[True to her word, STATESMAN, GEKO and POSITRON enter the café a few moments later. As they sit at the table, GEKO reaches over and pours salt into the REPORTER’s coffee mug.]

Reporter: “What are you doing?! You just ruined my coffee!”
Geko: “Ruined? Or improved… hmmm?”

[The REPORTER looks at CUPPAJO.]

Cuppajo: “Sorry, they like to do that a lot- I should have warned you.”

[The reporter begins to draw upon his mental reserves. He orders another coffee from the waitress.]

Reporter: “So. Lets make a start. Any big announcements for Issue seven then? Something for the community to look forward to?”

[The Dev’s look at one another with beaming smiles. They all turn to the REPORTER.]

Statesman: “Well, for starters, we’ve been looking into balance issues concerning the Tanker archetype.”
Reporter: “I see. Well, I’m sure there are quite a few players who’ll be pleased to hear that. Many tanker players have been feeling quite hard hit by recent changes.”
Statesman: “Yes. We’ve decided to introduce a new inherent power for tankers.”
Reporter: “Sounds interesting. What’s it called?”

[POSITRON beams a smile at the REPORTER.]

Positron: “Flatulence.”
Reporter: “Excuse me?!?”
Geko: “Basically, we were play-testing tanks following the issue six ner…improvements, and we discovered something truly shocking.”

[The REPORTER sighs. He thinks he can see the way this is heading.]

Reporter: “And that was?”
Geko: “Tanks were still… a little bit fun to play!”
Positron: “In fact, some people who played tanks weren’t actually suffering the torments of the Damned.”
Statesman: “That doesn’t fit our vision of the game.”

[The REPORTER imagines himself on a beach in Hawaii.]

Reporter: “That is shocking.”
Geko: “So we did a little research, and we discovered it was possible to make a person’s computer emit a particularly nasty mix of ammonia and methane every time they logged on with their tankers.”
Statesman: “We feel this will resolve many balance issues, ie. that people actually still want to play tankers, as well as adding to the ‘fun’ of the game for everyone.”
Reporter: “Everyone except tanks.”
Statesman: “Everyone except tanks.”

[The REPORTER looks on the menu for something containing alcohol in high concentrations.]

Reporter: “So. On to what I really came here to talk about… Enhancement Diversification.”
[There is a peal of thunder.]
Statesman: “Don’t worry, it always does that.”
Reporter: “Does what?”
Statesman: [Takes a breath.] “Enhancement Diversification.”

[There is a peal of thunder. The REPORTER looks out of the window very carefully. The sky is utterly clear of clouds. A few moments pass.]

Reporter: “Enhancement Diversification.”

[There is a peal of thunder.]

Reporter: “Enhancement Diversification.”

[There is a peal of thunder.]

Reporter: “Enhancement Diversification.”

[There is a peal of thunder.]

Cuppajo: “Please stop saying that.”

[The REPORTER takes pity on CUPPAJO. He takes out his notepad, offering a silent prayer to the god of journalism.]

Reporter: “So… I guess the most important question is-Why the changes? Many long-term players were still reeling from the extent of the I5 nerf’s when they were told there was to be another major shake-up to game balance, this time by introducing a system of diminishing returns on enhancements, effectively cutting the effectiveness of most powers in the later game by around 40%.”

[Time passes.]

Statesman: “I’m sorry?”
Reporter: “Why ED?”
Statesman: “I don’t follow.”
Reporter : “Why. Did. You. Introduce. Enhancement. Diversification?”
[There is a peal of thunder.]
Statesman: “Huh?”
Reporter: “Wwwwwwwwwwhhhhhhhy?”

[The Dev’s look at one another blankly for a few moments. Finally one answers.]

Positron: “Errm, because diversity in enhancements is good.”
Geko: “Yes. Good.”
Statesman: “Yes. Diversity in enhancements is good.”
Geko: “Yes. Good.”
Positron: “Good.”
Reporter: “So it wasn’t just a nerf to SO’s to let you balance PvP and introduce crafting?”
Statesman: “No. It’s because diversity in enhancements is good.”
Geko: “Yes. Good.”
Positron: “Good.”
Reporter: “Uh huh. So what about powers that only take one type of enhancement?”

[A moment of silence passes.]

Statesman: “Ummm… there’s still more diversity there.”
Reporter: “How so?”
Statesman: “Well, there’s diversity between those who choose to waste their enhancement slots, and those that… don’t.”
Reporter: “Right. Ummm… so how does everyone slot their powers now?”
Statesman: “Every single power is three or four slotted.”

[Pause.]

Reporter: “Uh huh. Sounds diverse.”

[The reporter stares at Statesman evenly for a few moments.]

Reporter: “So it wasn’t just a nerf to SO’s to let you balance PvP and introduce crafting?”
Positron: “No. It’s because diversity in enhancements is good.”
Geko: “Yes. Good.”
Positron: “Yes. Diversity in enhancements is good.”
Geko: “Good.”
Statesman: “It’s not a nerf! I said there would be no more nerfs. Statesman never lies.”
Reporter: “Ermm, Statesman- crossing your fingers again.”
Statesman: “Not a nerf! Not!”

[The REPORTER looks at CUPPAJO.]

Cuppajo: “It’s the stress. Please don’t print this.”
Reporter: “Ummm…”
Statesman: “I’m telling you, it’s not a nerf!”
Reporter: “It’s a drastic reduction to damage, resistance to damage, endurance recovery, attack rates, defence, buffs, debuffs, holds, and the speed of travel powers, for every single character in the game, regardless of AT or powerset. What would you call it?”
Statesman: “I think of it as more of a ‘Re-Imagining’…”

[The REPORTER tries to ignore the searing pain behind his left eye.]

Statesman: “What does the player-base think of our improvements?”
Reporter: “Don’t you read the forums?”

[The Dev’s stare at the REPORTER in utter blankness. CUPPAJO looks on the menu for something with alcohol in high concentrations.]

Reporter: “Never mind. Well, as you seemed happy enough with the old system for PvE for over a year, they can think of only two reasons. Either you were all having so much trouble balancing the two games for PvP that you had to drastically reduce the amount of variety in builds so that even an utter moron could balance it, while also making the new crafting system a necessity- basically contravening everything you promised the player-base when CoH first went online, or… you guys spent hundreds of man-hours creating enhancements no-one wanted to use, and you were so annoyed that no-one wanted to play the way you wanted, you decided to force them to. So, Which?”
Statesman: “Look! A penny!”

[STATESMAN goes underneath the table. He does not return.]

Reporter: “Ummm… Statesman, are you hiding underneath the table?”

[CUPPAJO has her head in her hands.]

Cuppajo: “Please don’t print this.”

[The REPORTER leans over to whisper to CUPPAJO.]

Reporter: “Relax. This will never even see print. My magazine is deeply corrupt.”
Cuppajo: [Brightens up] “Really? How corrupt are we talking?””
Reporter: “We’re owned by Rupert Murdoch.”

[CUPPAJO begins punching the air. STATESMAN continues to hide under the table.]

Reporter: [Resolves to finish the interview if he has to die first. He now talks to the table.] “Ok. Lastly- is there any danger that the new system will penalise casual players and create a ‘gimp’ class amongst the player-base for those who don’t understand the new slotting system and end up wasting a large number of slots.”
Statesman: [Muffled noise] “No.”
Reporter: “That’s it? Just ‘no’?”
Statesman: “Uh huh.”
Reporter: “Care to explain how?”
Statesman: “Look! A penny!”
Reporter: “Statesman, stop hiding under the table.”

[The REPORTER decides to cut his losses while CUPPAJO picks up STATESMAN and sits him back down.]

Reporter: “Ok. Interview over.”
Cuppajo: [Sighs] “How large should I make the bribe to your editor?”

[The REPORTER looks across the table. GEKO and POSITRON are watching as STATESMAN now tries to balance a pen on his nose.]

Reporter: “Substantial.”
Cuppajo: “Shall we order some food? It’s on me.”
Reporter: “Sure. As long as those three don’t try to improve it again.”

[A WAITRESS comes over with a menu.]

Waitress: “What can I get for ya?”
Reporter: [Looks briefly at the menu.] “I’ll just have the steak dinner, please.”
Waitress: “How d’you want the steak?”
Reporter: “Medium rare, please.”
Waitress: “What about the vegetables?”

[The REPORTER looks across the table at the Dev’s. Then he looks back at the WAITRESS.]

Reporter: “They’ll have steak too.”



[End.]

Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah a!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The concepts contained herein have no bearing to me - I refuse to accept the existance of these things called "nerfs" and I like ED, but WOW, that was some hilarious reading!

Grats!

[ QUOTE ]
Waitress: “What about the vegetables?”

[The REPORTER looks across the table at the Dev’s. Then he looks back at the WAITRESS.]

Reporter: “They’ll have steak too.”

[/ QUOTE ]
ZOMG tEh pwnz0r!!!
FORLOLMAOPIMP!!!!

Please drain brain edit your post cos it's messing up the page.....

Gah, my bad - sorry everyone! I forgot posts don't wrap text!

I can't amend it now, though, the timeframe's expired for that...

Sorry again all!