If youre reading this, then that means you are reading the first ever edition of the latest and greatest thing to appeal to the minority of minorities, Demonic Weekly! Were pleased to be existing for your pure reading pleasure and hope that it proves to be one of the best experiences you ever have. In the future we intend to expand it from my article, our general section, a single poster, and various bios from demonic heroes, and hopefully well soon be able to include demonic oriented villains once we go through the various process needed to establish an office in the Rogue Isles.
And, to aid in this tiring and very costly endeavor, were urge and exhort our new readers that if you enjoy this magazine to please submit as much money as possible so we can continue to increase and profit.
As it is known, anyone that has anything to do with demons (unless it is one of those horrid people who slay poor innocent demons who were only doing what comes natural to them) ends up getting the smaller half of cake, and even worse yet, discriminated against. Yes, there are racists. Yes, there are those antisocial atheists. Yes, there are sexists. Yes, there are weightists, ageist, and plenty of other discriminatory people but just about all of them will all stand together in saying that they are anti-demon. But why? Why does this country, and other civilized nations, hate demons and their ilk with such a passionate hate as to exceed that of those irritating folks who all poured hot coffee down the pants of people to protest caffeine?
Demons dont want much out of life, most of them merely want to wreak havoc, destroy the world as we know it, enslave all humans, and convert this realm into a hell on earth, leaving the residents to be sacrifices, food, etc. And really, who doesnt? But, thats not a matter to be discussed here, as we dont exactly need people beginning to get the wrong ideas about this newly established establishment. My section of this simply magnificent magazine specifically deals with these types of topics (most of the time at least, mainly centering on these subjects but then again the Upper Echelons sometimes get their own ideas) and for our first installment were going to deal with the anti-demonism that most people have and find out why or why dont people support demonic oriented heroes and villains.
My team and I (consisting of Jack Demontras who takes my notes, Damien Sinistera who stalks all of our interviewees, Richard Yolanda Hellfishiana who is responsible for asking the questions, and Joseph Hellock who has absolutely no use except that he looks so darned cool in those shades) proceeded to our first interview with Mrs. Jacobson, an elderly citizen who insists that demons are the spawns of evil and destruction. So, youre from what!? Demonic Weekly!?!?!? EEEEEEEEEEYARGH!!! Our first ever interview didnt go so well, to sum up the occurrence Mrs. Jacobson pulled out a sword from her cane and chased us, screaming something about doing the lords work and purging evil from the world. Regretfully it was some sort of seniors day out or something and there were more than a few likeminded old folks who took it upon themselves to join her quite some way before we were stopped by the police and rescued from what wouldve been our horrible fate.
But thankfully we had back up interviews, and back up interviews for those interviews (someone who doesnt have a life had quite a lot of time on his hands) and were able to get one with a man whom we consider to be a Brother. Oh, this is like sooooooo totally awesome! Whod have thought that one of these days thered be a group of people whod like, actually do this! I myself have a strong belief in what the demons all around the world stand for, which is fairly simple and is carried out, in their own kind of way, which basically amounts to wanting to be accepted. When I was in school there was this kid named Demonitrus Devilishy (it wasnt actually his real name, more of his persona that went around in a black cape, with fangs, horns, and claws and was trying to come off of a bad habit of eating children and occasionally threatened, and one time tried to carry it out, to do so unless you called him by what he considered to be his real name) who wanted nothing more than to be everyones friend. Of course absolutely no one wanted to, so within a week of coming there he came back and ended up setting the school ablaze and then went missing, carrying out what he proclaimed to be his soul task, taking over the world. Quite a sad, sad, sad, sad, sad tale that always brings tears to my eyes but at the same time it made me realize that demons are mostly discriminated against. Ive done all sorts of things to support their forlorn cause, although since it has mostly been considered appalling to do something like that I havent been able to do much, so thank YOU! Thank youhooohooooo!!! An inspiring tale for us all, really, that might in fact shed some light upon the hearts of demonic oriented beings.
Our next interview was with Mr. Samuel P. Winkyfootums, of Winkyfootums Industries who has made it his goal to completely hunt down demons. Excuse me, heh, you can actually look me in the eyes and tell me that demons are actually good things that can be decent? I deal with things on a fairly logical level of existence, and it doesnt seem to me that you can actually be sane and think that. Demons dont do good. How can things that come from the hellish abyss with horns and dark destructive powers claim that theyre something good? It doesnt make sense, especially if youre going over the good points of demons. I have only met three demons in my career as (Theodora, play my theme song please) The Unyielding Unstoppable Captain Justice Demonsbane (wait until I show you my costume!) who considered themselves as good demons. Ive had the misfortune of having to work with them on various occasions in the pursuit of justice, and have found all of them to be absolutely wretched and pathetic beings. Now, while I do enjoy this conversation, mightnt it be wise to change your topic to something a bit more, er, fresh as it were? I wouldnt mind paying you a whole bunch of money if you would be my own personal magazine. Think about how many people would like to see more of ME! I could do posters, interviews, maybe we could even do a website with my very own twenty-four hour web cam! What do you think, hmmmmmm? Come on, you know you want to admit it, I am just too cool, right? As you have witnessed, that is the kind of caliber of people who are against demons and that is their opinion. Ridiculous, really, and in my opinion that proves absolutely nothing.
Our last interview (regretfully my article is short and Im limited in time and resources due to Gregory Demonatis over in the bio section using them for his own work) was thankfully with someone else with whom we could refresh our dampened spirits after that dreadful interview, The Dark Lord Destructus Killantry, that great villain from Boise, Idaho who is currently sitting in jail after trying to incinerate a diner. Finally something decent to read. Its nice to see that Ive finally got some supporters out there, BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! My inspiration to become a demon came from an experience I had with a jelly donut when I was three years old. It was a dark and stormy night. I was sitting alone in the living room, doing nothing more than whatever it is that three year olds do in their spare time. A bolt of lightning burst through the roof and hit the box of donuts sitting on the table, causing one of them to slowly rise. He looked at me with nefarious purposes, and then hovered over to me. Listen to me now, Son, I am the Devil! Little do you know, but I am in all actuality YOUR FATHER! Yes, thats right! And, I need someone to carry out my nefarious schemes which I cannot, and I shall use you, my Son, for these purposes. From now on, you shall become my faithful and loyal servant who shall do my every scheme! Of course at the time I was too young to realize how special I truly was, but again it occurred when I was fifteen years old, in my bathroom. A bolt of lightning came through the roof and struck a loose roll of toilet paper, causing it to levitate. Evil eyes appeared as well as a wickedly curved mouth, and again the voice echoed around. Son, you are now able to conduct my business! I shall now bestow upon you infinite power, power beyond the comprehension of mere mortals! You shall now have control over the foul energy of my realm as well as the hellfire that consumes it, so go! Destroy the world and transform it into a desolate place and then bring me forth into it! And then toilet paper shot me with black and orangey red lasers until I became what I am now! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ive told this story again and again and again to those insolent fools who have sought to bring about my downfall, yet instead they suggest I need a mental institute! A MENTAL INSTITUTE!!! What in Hell do they think they are, insisting that I go to a mental institute!?!? Those fools dont realize the true extents of my power! We couldnt get much further in our interview, as visiting time was over, but it was a fairly interesting experience. It proves that our Brethren are being persecuted! Poor, poor Brother Destructus, being sent to a mental institute by the end of the month just because demonic oriented beings are discriminated against. Well, this concludes my article for this week and I cant wait for my next one. Also, I urge you to send in donations to help Brother Destructus and others in similar plights to his, and put down their evil tormentors!
Posted
Lol nice, really good. I especially like your interviews!
If youre reading this, then that means you are reading the first ever edition of the latest and greatest thing to appeal to the minority of minorities, Demonic Weekly! Were pleased to be existing for your pure reading pleasure and hope that it proves to be one of the best experiences you ever have. In the future we intend to expand it from my article, our general section, a single poster, and various bios from demonic heroes, and hopefully well soon be able to include demonic oriented villains once we go through the various process needed to establish an office in the Rogue Isles.
And, to aid in this tiring and very costly endeavor, were urge and exhort our new readers that if you enjoy this magazine to please submit as much money as possible so we can continue to increase and profit.
As it is known, anyone that has anything to do with demons (unless it is one of those horrid people who slay poor innocent demons who were only doing what comes natural to them) ends up getting the smaller half of cake, and even worse yet, discriminated against. Yes, there are racists. Yes, there are those antisocial atheists. Yes, there are sexists. Yes, there are weightists, ageist, and plenty of other discriminatory people but just about all of them will all stand together in saying that they are anti-demon. But why? Why does this country, and other civilized nations, hate demons and their ilk with such a passionate hate as to exceed that of those irritating folks who all poured hot coffee down the pants of people to protest caffeine?
Demons dont want much out of life, most of them merely want to wreak havoc, destroy the world as we know it, enslave all humans, and convert this realm into a hell on earth, leaving the residents to be sacrifices, food, etc. And really, who doesnt? But, thats not a matter to be discussed here, as we dont exactly need people beginning to get the wrong ideas about this newly established establishment. My section of this simply magnificent magazine specifically deals with these types of topics (most of the time at least, mainly centering on these subjects but then again the Upper Echelons sometimes get their own ideas) and for our first installment were going to deal with the anti-demonism that most people have and find out why or why dont people support demonic oriented heroes and villains.
My team and I (consisting of Jack Demontras who takes my notes, Damien Sinistera who stalks all of our interviewees, Richard Yolanda Hellfishiana who is responsible for asking the questions, and Joseph Hellock who has absolutely no use except that he looks so darned cool in those shades) proceeded to our first interview with Mrs. Jacobson, an elderly citizen who insists that demons are the spawns of evil and destruction. So, youre from what!? Demonic Weekly!?!?!? EEEEEEEEEEYARGH!!! Our first ever interview didnt go so well, to sum up the occurrence Mrs. Jacobson pulled out a sword from her cane and chased us, screaming something about doing the lords work and purging evil from the world. Regretfully it was some sort of seniors day out or something and there were more than a few likeminded old folks who took it upon themselves to join her quite some way before we were stopped by the police and rescued from what wouldve been our horrible fate.
But thankfully we had back up interviews, and back up interviews for those interviews (someone who doesnt have a life had quite a lot of time on his hands) and were able to get one with a man whom we consider to be a Brother. Oh, this is like sooooooo totally awesome! Whod have thought that one of these days thered be a group of people whod like, actually do this! I myself have a strong belief in what the demons all around the world stand for, which is fairly simple and is carried out, in their own kind of way, which basically amounts to wanting to be accepted. When I was in school there was this kid named Demonitrus Devilishy (it wasnt actually his real name, more of his persona that went around in a black cape, with fangs, horns, and claws and was trying to come off of a bad habit of eating children and occasionally threatened, and one time tried to carry it out, to do so unless you called him by what he considered to be his real name) who wanted nothing more than to be everyones friend. Of course absolutely no one wanted to, so within a week of coming there he came back and ended up setting the school ablaze and then went missing, carrying out what he proclaimed to be his soul task, taking over the world. Quite a sad, sad, sad, sad, sad tale that always brings tears to my eyes but at the same time it made me realize that demons are mostly discriminated against. Ive done all sorts of things to support their forlorn cause, although since it has mostly been considered appalling to do something like that I havent been able to do much, so thank YOU! Thank youhooohooooo!!! An inspiring tale for us all, really, that might in fact shed some light upon the hearts of demonic oriented beings.
Our next interview was with Mr. Samuel P. Winkyfootums, of Winkyfootums Industries who has made it his goal to completely hunt down demons. Excuse me, heh, you can actually look me in the eyes and tell me that demons are actually good things that can be decent? I deal with things on a fairly logical level of existence, and it doesnt seem to me that you can actually be sane and think that. Demons dont do good. How can things that come from the hellish abyss with horns and dark destructive powers claim that theyre something good? It doesnt make sense, especially if youre going over the good points of demons. I have only met three demons in my career as (Theodora, play my theme song please) The Unyielding Unstoppable Captain Justice Demonsbane (wait until I show you my costume!) who considered themselves as good demons. Ive had the misfortune of having to work with them on various occasions in the pursuit of justice, and have found all of them to be absolutely wretched and pathetic beings. Now, while I do enjoy this conversation, mightnt it be wise to change your topic to something a bit more, er, fresh as it were? I wouldnt mind paying you a whole bunch of money if you would be my own personal magazine. Think about how many people would like to see more of ME! I could do posters, interviews, maybe we could even do a website with my very own twenty-four hour web cam! What do you think, hmmmmmm? Come on, you know you want to admit it, I am just too cool, right? As you have witnessed, that is the kind of caliber of people who are against demons and that is their opinion. Ridiculous, really, and in my opinion that proves absolutely nothing.
Our last interview (regretfully my article is short and Im limited in time and resources due to Gregory Demonatis over in the bio section using them for his own work) was thankfully with someone else with whom we could refresh our dampened spirits after that dreadful interview, The Dark Lord Destructus Killantry, that great villain from Boise, Idaho who is currently sitting in jail after trying to incinerate a diner. Finally something decent to read. Its nice to see that Ive finally got some supporters out there, BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! My inspiration to become a demon came from an experience I had with a jelly donut when I was three years old. It was a dark and stormy night. I was sitting alone in the living room, doing nothing more than whatever it is that three year olds do in their spare time. A bolt of lightning burst through the roof and hit the box of donuts sitting on the table, causing one of them to slowly rise. He looked at me with nefarious purposes, and then hovered over to me. Listen to me now, Son, I am the Devil! Little do you know, but I am in all actuality YOUR FATHER! Yes, thats right! And, I need someone to carry out my nefarious schemes which I cannot, and I shall use you, my Son, for these purposes. From now on, you shall become my faithful and loyal servant who shall do my every scheme! Of course at the time I was too young to realize how special I truly was, but again it occurred when I was fifteen years old, in my bathroom. A bolt of lightning came through the roof and struck a loose roll of toilet paper, causing it to levitate. Evil eyes appeared as well as a wickedly curved mouth, and again the voice echoed around. Son, you are now able to conduct my business! I shall now bestow upon you infinite power, power beyond the comprehension of mere mortals! You shall now have control over the foul energy of my realm as well as the hellfire that consumes it, so go! Destroy the world and transform it into a desolate place and then bring me forth into it! And then toilet paper shot me with black and orangey red lasers until I became what I am now! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ive told this story again and again and again to those insolent fools who have sought to bring about my downfall, yet instead they suggest I need a mental institute! A MENTAL INSTITUTE!!! What in Hell do they think they are, insisting that I go to a mental institute!?!? Those fools dont realize the true extents of my power! We couldnt get much further in our interview, as visiting time was over, but it was a fairly interesting experience. It proves that our Brethren are being persecuted! Poor, poor Brother Destructus, being sent to a mental institute by the end of the month just because demonic oriented beings are discriminated against. Well, this concludes my article for this week and I cant wait for my next one. Also, I urge you to send in donations to help Brother Destructus and others in similar plights to his, and put down their evil tormentors!