((Not bad. Not bad at all.))
My Stories
Look at that. A full-grown woman pulling off pigtails. Her crazy is off the charts.
((Why thank you! I appreciate it 
))
32 reads and 1 reply? No critiques? Did you all think it sucks and don't want to be mean? haha
You've got a couple mistakes in there, but you don't fall into the same common pitfalls most first-timers fall into.
Normally there's plenty of repetitiveness (Bob tied his shoes, then Bob walked out the door to Bob's car), spelling errors, or mismatched words (where, wear, were; there, their, they're), but I think you have only one instance of anything like that throughout the whole story.
Granted, there's nothing necessarily groundbreaking in this, but it's also not a bad read. All you need to do now is keep at it and further your character's life and experiences.
My Stories
Look at that. A full-grown woman pulling off pigtails. Her crazy is off the charts.
Why thank you again Mr. Grey, I appreciate the feedback! I'll keep trying. By the way, care to point out the mistake so that I can note it for future reference?
I did have the darndest time because I typed this in word, and when I copy/pasted, every apostrophe and quotation mark was replaced with #!432 stuff, so i had to manually replace them.
It's not much, and I've forgotten what it was from my original reading. Checking again, you kind of misused "insure" toward the beginning, it's supposed to be "ensure." "Insure" is normally applying insurance, while "ensure" is usually used when you check for capability.
It's not like my first stories, I'll tell ya. I usually post straight from the browser, and even with Mozilla's new nifty spell-checker, I keep making mistakes (usually typos).
My Stories
Look at that. A full-grown woman pulling off pigtails. Her crazy is off the charts.
I liked it!
That was actually a word I could not think of how to use and settled on Insure as I did not have access to a dictionary at the time and forgot when I got home. Thanks for the correction!
Glad you liked it SaFirre!
(( I wrote this during the downtime at work yesterday. It's my first story and I have not had extensive time for rewriting so go easy on me! Let me know what you think of my first ever story (for entertainment purposes, plenty of dreadful school papers in my lifetime). ))
FAIR SKYE
She crouched behind a dirty old crate, her legs cramping from holding still for so long. Her revealing green and yellow suit was dirty from being around such a damp and filthy place for so long. She peeked over the crate to continue her watch of the large door that overlooked the bay. Her body was growing tired of having to suppress it's magic in fear of the Skulls that poured in and out of the door.
They were a local gang in Paragon City. Dealing heavily in drug trafficking, specializing in a nasty dose of green elixir that enraged its victim causing violent outbursts, the Skulls were a big threat. A few of them, dressed in the normal black outfit with a mask resembling a human skull, were carrying a large container into the warehouse. Fair remained quiet and watched from her hiding place, waiting for the outside to calm before she made her move.
An hour passed before the last of the Skulls walked into the warehouse carrying the final crate and waiving the truck to leave. As the large vehicle roared out of the parking lot and the sound of its tires faded, Fair made her way towards the locked door of the warehouse. She listened intently as she came upon the door, trying to catch any hint of who and how many were on the other side.
Fair turned the handle, only to find it locked. She looked around to insure nobody was watching and turned her attention back to the door. She closed her eyes and placed her hand on the lock. Slowly she felt the energy build in her hand and she extended a thin tendril into the keyhole. Moments later the latch popped open and, smiling, Fair Skye made her way into the dark interior of the Skulls hideout.
*~-_-~*~-_-~*~-_-~*~-_-~*~-_-~*~-_-~*~-_-~*~-_-~*~-_-~*~-_-~*~-_-~*~-_-~*
Tired and hurt, Fair Skye stopped to rest in a dark corner, hidden from view. Removing the lackeys in her way up to this point was no small task. She had to make sure she not only eliminated them, but disposed of their bodies somewhere secret so they did not give her away. Her suit was now torn and bloodied, and her face scarred with anger. "Dumb beasts" she spat as she decided her next move.
Rising up from her hiding place, she concentrated a quick moment. With her eyes closed, she focused on her intent and slowly, her fairly like wings extended from her back. Growing to a span twice her size, the transparent but oddly glowing wings allowed her to fly. She subdued their glow to avoid being seen and rapidly rose into the air, bow in hand. She flew along the top of the warehouse to avoid the unintelligent Skulls view. A fast flying arrow to the head, and most went down without a sound.
She flew around the warehouse for another 5 minutes before she came upon what she had been looking for the whole time. The mass of crates the Skulls had pulled from the truck lay stacked in a corner of the largest room in the warehouse. Large vats of steaming green elixir were mixing in various spots around the room, stirred by the thoughtless underlings of the gang. Fair was about to begin her destruction when she heard a voice from below.
"I want this shipment moved out before morning. With this large a payoff, we will never have to work these streets again. Think of the trouble it'll give all those heroes too!" the man said as he made his way towards a large vat.
Fair Skye let out an inaudible gasp. It was the one person she was hoping would not show, and now that he was here there was going to be no turning back. The Skulls leader, known as Bone Daddy, stood smiling over his glowing treasure. He grabbed a needle and injected himself and he let out a malicious laugh. Fair stared in amazement.
He screamed as he fell to the floor, struggling to maintain control. His body flopped around and his shirt began to tear off from the pressure his growing muscles presented. This was a man who was now more dangerous than ever. She had to act now before it was too late.
Fair Skye swooped around to the crates and grabbed her oils. She laced her arrow with oil and lit it on fire. With this she could set the whole place ablaze and destroy all of the work the Skulls had spent so long putting together. She knotched her arrow and as she was getting ready to release it, she stopped cold.
"Hello little darling" the Bone Daddy spoke, to her. "What a wonderful surprise. You will make a lovely test subject for what will happen to all of Paragons heroes!" As he spoke, he struck his hands straight down and his fingers sunk into the concrete as if it were water, and he pulled back a large chuck of the ground. "Why don't you join us down here sweety?" With that, he threw the large boulder at her and it flew with such speed she could not dodge fast enough, and it clipped her left side throwing her off balance. She did not remember falling.
*~-_-~*~-_-~*~-_-~*~-_-~*~-_-~*~-_-~*~-_-~*~-_-~*~-_-~*~-_-~*~-_-~*~-_-~*
Fair came awake without opening her eyes. Her head was pounding and she could feel the dry blood on the side of her face. She decided not to 'wake up' and so remained still, listening to her surroundings.
"Tonight, we make an example out of her and by tomorrow, the example will be applied to all the heroes of Paragon!" his laughter rang and she could hear his footsteps echo in the large room. He walked to the crates and checked their contents. He then walked around monitoring everyone who was working on getting this plan finished.
"You there, have you ever tried any of this before? You look rather weak, like you could use some!" He smiled as he approached the young boy. "N-No, sir. I have not." He said, scared and talking to the ground.
"Well it's okay boy!" Bone Daddy said as he patted him on the back, that wicked grin of his hinting to his evil intent. "Well you know, the Skulls are all about being tough, and you don't really fit the part." The boy trembled as he stirred faster to keep busy.
"You know what would help?" Bone Daddy said as he grabbed something in his hand. The boy let out a scream that was beyond Fair's worst nightmares as he collapsed to the ground. As he flailed crazily from the effects of the drugs, the Bone Daddy reached his hand down to rest hovering over the boys chest. His screams intensified.
Fair opened her eyes and watched as the Bone Daddy stood over the boy. Sharp, dark as night tendrils ripped into the boys body and pulled from it his young soul. Up into the Bone Daddy's arm and dissipating into him, the soul disappeared from sight. He opened his eyes, and from them the most eerie dark glow came from within. His eyes shifted to Fair and she moved back in her own skin. The corners of his lips rose slowly.
"Well look who it is. I could have killed you already, but I wanted you awake so I could hear your screams as I pulled that pretty little soul from your body." He stepped towards her and Fair began to panic. She broke the ropes that held her with a thin slice of energy and got to her feet immediately. She looked around for her bow, unable to defend herself without it. Growing up she was never taught anything by her parents beyond simple tasks involving her energy, and that's all it seemed useful for to her.
"Looking for something?" He said as he looked to her right and behind her about 50 feet lay her bow and arrows. She stared at him, going over the possibilities of her getting to it before he got to her. She had no choice, and bolted for bow as fast as possible.
As she ran towards her bow, she felt more relieved the closer she got. If she could only get to it, she would be okay. As she was almost there, the coldest chill came over her and through her chest passed the blackest bolt of death she had ever seen. It did not harm her, but continued on through reaching her bow. The bow rose into the air and shattered before her eyes. The Bone Daddy laughed.
"What's the matter? Can't do anything without your little bow?" He said as he walked towards her. She slowly turned to face him, she had no choice. He came within a few feet and Fair entered into her defensive position. She may not have a bow, but she would have to use her other skills as much as she could. A Thin shield a energy came before her, and she thought of the best weapon she could make with the energy. It could not be big for she did not know how to sustain a large form of energy.
She grew claws, and got ready for her defense. Luckily, her energy could be transparent so he did not know she was at all prepared. He reared his fist and threw a mighty punch at her laced with his black death. Unprepared for such force, it slammed into Fair's shield shattering it and throwing her back. The Bone Daddy laughed realizing what happened. "So you've got a trick up your sleeve do you? Well I have got more I assure you."
She lay, her hope shattered on the floor along with her body. Blood covered her body, and tears ran down her face. She had no hope of surviving and gave up. She lay her head down and thought of the happiest memories she could in her last moments. Her mother came to her mind. Her smile always made Fair feel safe. She remembered how her mother protected her growing up.
She came upon the memory of the day she was walking home and had been ambushed by none other than the Skulls. She was nearly unconscious when her mother arrived. She was so delirious she could barely see, but she could make her mother out clear as day. She stood with her bright green suit and her greatly shining bow. The bow was so powerful and it saved her life.
Fair suddenly snapped out and opened her eyes. With a renewed spirit, she gathered herself and as Bone Daddy slammed his fist down into the spot she was moments before, she rose into the air above him. "Don't ever underestimate me." With that, she raised her hand, and in it formed a bow from thin air, glowing brighter than the sun itself next to the darkness of Bone Daddy's deathly aura.
Her other hand touched the front of the bow, and slid backwards. An arrow formed as she drew her hand back. As she sat with an arrow knotched, aimed at Bone Daddy, she smiled. She never realized what the energy was meant to be, and feeling it in its true form filled her with an inner peace. She could feel the power of it inside her like nothing a wooden bow could ever provide.
Bone Daddy could feel his power draining in the presence of the glowing light. All he could do was stare at her as she took her final aim. "This is for my mother" Fair said as she released that magical arrow, and it founds it way to it's target, as if that's where it was meant to be.
***
The police came on to the scene at 11:42 PM. They found a room full of bodies, and the floor covered in a burned residue that's smoke left the walls covered in green soot. In front of a large stack of burned crates, there was a body that lay alone, with a glowing metallic shard protruding from his chest.